"The Softening" is a new episode of Pencil 2.O, and until recently, there has been neither number nor date associated. In this episode, which is a continuation of the previous one, Pencil tries to find a way back home.
Last time on Pencil 2.OEdit
- Pen: That's enough sugar intake.
- Salvador: The door!
- Triangle: Erase your memories.
- Saye: What we need is a date.
- Chorus: ♫ Independent is she! ♫
- Voiceover: The Personality Changing Machine!
- Firey: Travel to the third dimension via the Federal Government.
- Timothe: PROBLEMMMMM!
- Javier: Ignore here, like, if she ever tries to talk to us.
- Match: I'm not, like, talking to them.
- Janeka: That's a part of life.
- G.P.: Trump said it.
- Pencil: Thet guarantees our goin' out at any time.
- Pen: "Oh, y'know …"
- G.P.: You being black …
- Janeka: And you being a white male … Y'all talk, too!
- Boy: It's Pen and Pencil!
- G.P.: Don't say nothing bad!
- Msimamizi: Mall Jail.
- Triangle: EXPLAIN!
- Timothe: Violation.
- Pen: Go and take my wife's place!
- Timothe: She's transforming!
- And that's what you missed, on Pencil 2.O.
Friday, June 27, 2014Edit
- Janeka: What the fuck? That me?
- Pen: Timothe says so.
- Janeka: I'm Pencil! "Omg!" "So, totally!" Wait, shit, that's Match. "Shut your face up and get your asses into that van, motherfuckers!"
- Pen: I'm pretty sure that's not how it went. And I wasn't even on BFDIA!
- Pencil: I feel like an objec' waken up in a lady's body. [she looks at herself in the mirror] 'N'ALE?
[In the living room, another police officer is talking to G.P. Both are in the black uniform of the LAPD, sitting on the couch. This other officer, Columbus, is also a white male, a bit shorter with light brown hair and a penny strapped next to his badge.]
- Columbus: So I chat up this girl as I pull her over, and I'm, like, "Ay, yo, wanna go on a date? I'm in between girlfriends right now, and you can be the one after now."
- G.P.: Bro, same shit happened to me! And then I saw her boyfriend and I'm like—
[All of a sudden, Pencil appears. We see nothing but the officers' surprised expressions as she comes out of the bathroom with nothing on.]
- Pencil: 'Ello, boys.
- Columbus: [to his walkie-talkie] 10-4, we have a Black Female Adult, indecent exposure.
- Pencil: Black? Me skin's more of a brown colour. Besides, since when's'e crime to be's so? Like an 'uman?
- G.P.: Darling, baby, hot shit #2 ... You're hot and all, but you gotta get some clothes on, capisce? Not in front of this beta. No offense.
- Columbus: None taken, bro!
- Pencil: Kaposh ... Wait. [she walks away] How'm I h'a respond to thet?
- Columbus: Well, I am utterly disgusted. Can't find a reason not to arrest her.
- G.P.: Hey, don't be so hard on her! I happen to find her very attractive.
- Columbus: [he stands up] Public nudity is illegal in most places. You should know that!
- G.P.: You don't mess with my girl! [he raises his fists threateningly]
- Columbus: Woah, woah, hands off, sir!
[He runs out of the house. Pencil comes out of the room, with clothes on but in the wrong directions.]
- G.P.: Oh, my sweet, did the little goody-two-shoes cop scare you? Don't you worry, this man's got your back.
[He hugs her with genuine affection.]
- G.P.: Your shirt's backwards.
- Pencil: Well, I'm new to this kin' o' stuff!
[G.P. looks confused.]
- Pencil: Let me explain.
Right above EarthEdit
- Janeka: Are we gonna die, or do y'all have some recovery centre like in BFDI?
- Pen: It's really complicated! Some people do, some people don't, and some people want equality among them!
- Janeka: That's such a fucking Obama-communist thing to say!
- Timothe: Who cares? We're going to land in Kenya!
- Janeka: Kenya? What the hell should I find in Kenya?
- Pen: Everything you've ever cared for— [the asteroid stops mid-space] Oh yeah, they never said where BFDI took place. For all she knows it's in America. [it starts to fall again]
- Timothe: We're coming hooooooooooooome!
Outside of the Nairobi Personal Vehicle Rental-RepairEdit
- Janeka: Oh no! We're in the middle of Africa!
- Timothe: It's more like the east coast—
- Janeka: I know nothing of this continent! What'd they speak here anyways, African? I mean, we just got lost, we can't find our way back home, I might just stay here an object for the rest of my life, which I admit's better than living with that cocky-ass fuckboy, but still!
- Pen: Hey, ehm, Janeka? Look behind you.
[She looks behind, and there is a familiar building.]
- Janeka: A building! Those exist here?
- Timothe: Seriously? This is your country too!
- Pen: This, "Pencil", is the outside of the Nairobi Personal Vehicle Rental-Repair. I didn't realise since we landed in the back of it.
- Janeka: Ooh ...
- Pen: Care to take us on a tour, Timothe?
- Timothe: I'd be honoured.
- Timothe: And this is the part where they interrogate you!
- Janeka: OLJ!
- Pen: OLJ? Olivia Luteon-John?
- Janeka: Oh, Lord Jesus! It's Match!
[Match is in the distance, making out with another boyfriend. Janeka waves at her, recognising her on- and off-screen best friend. Match looks up and waves back.]
- Match: Hey, Penc-Penc! Like, back already?
- Janeka: [rapidly] Oh my God, it's Match! Match, you're like my best friend from BFDI and you say the words "Yeah, I know" to me like some kind of Starbucks-drinking basic valley bitch, and that means you knew what I was saying! Omg, we're total like white girls on that show, right?
- Match: Like, what? Usually, your British is, like, easy but not now!
- Pen: Er, Match?
- Match: What.
- Pen: That's not Pencil. That's Janeka.
- Match: Omg, if you're, like, Jamaica, can I be Mexico?
- Pen: No! Her name is Janeka; we all met her in the human world!
- Match: Omg, hello then! But, like, where's Pencil?
[Pen looks into space, worried.]
- Saye: This is so worrying!
- Popsicley: What's so worrying?
- Chocolatey: [looking through the cupboard] That there's no chocolate in here?
- Citlali: Oh, I ate them all.
- Zorah: I helped!
- Saye: If my parents find out, we will so be in trouble. The bill is close to infinity!
- Boat: Aren't you, like, rich, though?
- Saye: It's not that. We were supposed to be watching the little sneak, when next thing you know, he got arrested! And he's only, like, eight!
- Minola: Eight?
- Saye: Yeah,
- Minola: That meant "seven", but good job anyways!
- Popsicley: What's he done?
- Saye: You know how at Blostco they give out free samples?
- Chocolatey: He's stealing samples? It's not good to steal people's food.
[Chocolatey takes a candy bar and eats it.]
- Saye: Right, well, that's not what he did. He was apparently giving out dog food samples to people.
- Boat: Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
Nairobi Personal Vehicle Rental-RepairEdit
- Janeka: And I hate him, and he's beautiful! Do you know how hard that is on me?
- Match: Wow, you're life must me really weird.
- Janeka: I've never even called him my boyfriend at all! He ain't no friend of mine if all I like doing is to bone with him.
- Match: Omg, like, so this is my fourth boyfriend today! [she gestures] He just totally left, so I'm on my quest for #5!
- Pen: This seems like another girl talk. I'll be by the vending machine/aircraft control room if you need me.
- Janeka: So, you just hang out at this vehicle place all day and pick up boys?
- Match: Omg, I wish. Like, right now, I'm supposed to be—OH MY FUקינג!
- Janeka: What's wrong?
- Match: I was supposed to be babysitting the kids!
- Janeka: Kids?
- Match: Yes, like, your kids!
- Janeka: I have kids? No, no, wait, that's impossible.
- Match: Your kids are, like, the centrepiece of everything around you! How don't you remember them?
- Janeka: I mean, a pencil can't have kids. It goes against nature.
- Match: So do recovery centres, Penc-penc, but CLV! And we, like, have to go, now!
- Janeka: Yo, Pen, we're gonna so our ... kids!
- Pen: [running towards them] Wait for me, you're my only ride!
- Match: Alright, we are going to your house.
- Janeka: I have a house? BFDI characters have slept outside for two years!
- Pen: Match, make sure you watch the speed limit.
- Match: Don't be stupid, this isn't the, like, human world.
[Police sirens are held in the background.]
- Pen: But it is a regulated society.
- Janeka: Calm your tits, people. My boy G.P.'s in the police, and he lets people off with a warning if they're white. [she points at Pen]
- Match: What kind of a messed up, like, culture do humans live in?
- Janeka: You can see why we wanted to leave that world.
- Pen: So Match, how are the kids?
- Match: Kids? Kids! Yeah, they're doing fine.
- Pen: Match, I should know when you're lying, you've been doing that thing for like sixteen years!
- Janeka: Wait. Are you his sister?
- [ · ]: Step.
- Match: But omg, like, the kids are, like, fine!
- Pen: Really. When was the last time you checked in with them?
- Match: Last night.
- Pen: Last night? And nobody was watching them?
- Janeka: Oh, relax! It'll probably be on the couch, watching some TV, because that's what kids do! Not that I'd ever let G.P. reproduce with the likeness of moi, but, y'all know ...
- Match: Omg, Penc-penc, aren't you so #feisticious! Lol!
- Saye: [on the phone] Thank you so much, officer. We'll bribe you as soon as you get there.
- Sio: Don't forget to say goodbye!
- Ximena: Too late, she already hung up.
- Sio: NOOOOOOO—
- Javier: Can y'all be quiet, I'm getting a half-day tip.
- Zorah: Wait, they do half-day tips now?
- Yaretzi: Guys, why did they spell it "color"?
- Citlali: QR, don't drop that!
- Qalam-Rassas: But it's made of glass!
- Citlali: You're made of glass.
- Zorah: That was me. I told him it was okay to break that.
- Yaretzi: Why would you do that?
- Saye: Would you all shut up?
- Zorah: No!
- Sio: Here, Cilly-Cilly-Cilly!
- Javier: Omg, do you know how, like, embarrassing you sound right now?
- Qalam-Rassas: That's rude!
[The glass fixes itself.]
- Qalam-Rassas: Wow, this must be made of Fixiglass!
- Sio: You're welcome!
[Enter Officer Dollar with Salvador.]
- Canadian Dollar: Hello, does this belong to you?
- Saye: Yes, he does. sir.
[Exit Officer Dollar.]
- Saye: I can't believe you got arrested!
- Salvador: Me neither. Who knew it's illegal to sell dog food at Blostco?
- Saye: It is if it's for people.
- Yaretzi: We're just glad you're home!
- Sio: Well, someone showed up!
[Enter Match. At once everyone goes silent.]
- Match: Guess who's home!
- Sio: Aunt Match! I haven't seen you since yesterday! Were you boy-hunting again?
- Match: No. [Beat.] I was man-hunting.
Outside the houseEdit
- Pen: Why was there just a police officer?
- Janeka: Who cares now? Let's follow that ho!
- Pen: Wait, wait, wait.
- Janeka: Wha-wha-what?
- Pen: Before you go in there, I just want you to know that the kids have seen no supervision in the past day, so don't expect that they should be calm.
- Janeka: Relax yourself! I got this.
[Janeka walks up to the door. Pen stays outside on his phone.]
- Kids: MUM!
- Janeka: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
- Salvador: You said a bad word!
- Qalam-Rassas: But you do it all the time!
- Salvador: Well, she said a baaaaad word.
- Saye: Language, mother, there are children here!
- Janeka: Wait a minute ... all of you are my children?
- Citlali: Did you and Dad get rocks thrown at you by the people at Nygren Street again?
- Javier: You know they hate wealth! Saccharine, ostentatious wealth.
- Citlali: Omg, Avi, don't, like, use big words!
- Janeka: The fuck did I push out, like, nine of you?
- Sio: Oh no, she's swearing again.
- Ximena: Just like in H.M.S. Pinafore!
- Saye: But more lame.
- Pen: Kids!
- Kids: DAD!
- Pen: First, let me make this clear. This woman's name is Janeka.
- Kids: Hi, Janeka!
- Janeka: I fucking love this world already.
- Citlali: Stop swearing!
- Ximena: You're disturbing the peace!
- Saye: Hold on a second ... Dad, you got a woman who looks like our mother, and her name is Janeka?
- Pen: I'll attempt to explain it all later. But in the meantime, you all need to be nice and respectful to our guest.
- Janeka: Yeah, 'cause I'm not here to fuck around.
[A.R.I. of disapproval.]
- Janeka: Sorry, I had to let one out!
- Pen: Hey, until we can figure something out, this is your new mother.
- Citlali: Isn't this great?
- Zorah: No.
- Sio: This is horrible!
- Saye: I mean, it can be getting used to. That Janeka looks a lot like our mother.
- Javier: Yeah! I honestly can't tell that she's even a different person.
- Salvador: Until she opens her fuっきん mouth.
- Salvador: See, when I swear, nobody cares!
- Ximena: Wait. If that's our fake mother, where's our real mother?
- Pen: Janeka, you did a nice start. But please, lay off the swearing before the children.
- Janeka: I'm sorry, it's just that I've never been used to kids before!
- Match: Omg, like, when people swear, it's fuקינג weird!
- Janeka: Woah, woah, hold the fuck up. You just swore right there!
- Match: Like, how?
- Pen: That was a minced swear. What word were you using earlier?
- Janeka: Fuck.
- Pen: And what have you said, Match?
- Match: Fuק.
- Pen: You see that? Two completely different words.
- Janeka: What? They sounded exactly the same! What am I swearing that's wrong?
- Match: Nothing!
- Pen: See, what you have to do is think of a language, and whilst you're swearing ... USE IT! Here, I'll try.
- Match: Omg, Pen, don't even, like, bother. He can't even swear the first letter of a word before fainting. Trust me, I've seen it.
- Janeka: Why do you people keep on throwing me shit and wanting me to eat it?
- Match: I think we found your first word! Say it with me! Shiט. Shiט. Shiט.
- Janeka: What are you, a shitty Dora?
- Match: Shiט. What language is in your mind, Janeka?
- Janeka: I don't know! I only can speak American.
- Pen: I don't think it has to be a spoken language; do the rules say that, Match?
- Match: No, you can swear in emojis too.
- Janeka: I'm good in that! Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. [she breathes in and out] 💩. 💩. 💩.
- Match: Omg, you did it!
- Pen: Hey, I'm just glad we taught a human to minced swear!
- Janeka: Oh my 🍆ing 🍑, I did it!
- [ · ]: [ · ]!
- Salvador: What did I miss?
- Pen: Your aunt's teaching Janeka how to minced swear.
- Salvador: Whatever. Beats being in prison!
[Pen laughs, but then stops.]
- Pen: Wait, what?
- Pencil: Wait, Janeka don' like comin' 'ere?
- G.P.: No, she doesn't! She says to me, "This is white people shit in here." But I keep on driving here every week. Sometimes with a different girl.
- Pencil: Noice. Y'know, I've really noticed 'ow soft ye've got 'ere. This mus' be, like, yer 'appy place, yeah?
- G.P.: You said it. I've only got in one fight in here!
- Pencil: So, 's thet all y'does 'ere?
- G.P.: Not really. There are tourists who come over, and sometimes they're hot. Like that one.
[He points at a girl with an Anatolian appearance—dark hair, heavy amounts of eye makeup and reading a book. She is wearing light blue everything, except for a clear headband. G.P. wolf whistles at her.]
- G.P.: Ay, yo! Ciao, bella! I see you's a fine goil, no? [to Pencil] I see her often. When I get excited, my good voice comes out.
- Janeka: An' so does thet girl y' jus' scared.
[The woman gives the money to the waiter and she leaves, clearly shaken.]
- G.P.: [sighs] And there goes another one. She always leaves, and the girl I'm with does too.
- Pencil: Well, I would too! I'm sorry, G.P., but I'd be h'off if I were t'experience such sexual 'arrassment. Wot you needs, m8, 's to stop it.
- G.P.: What's wrong with calling someone beautiful? Everyone deserves a compliment sometimes.
- Pencil: It do, but not when yelled at by a complete stranger out before e'eryone!
- G.P.: Wow.
- Pencil: Aye, 't 'urts to realise wot ye's done to women's thet painful, yeah?
- G.P.: No, I'm just shocked that I actually listened to a woman's opinion. Usually Janeka's all naggy, like, "Don't do that shit here!", "You really shouldn't smash yourself after eating that" and "Your people really fucked up my population". But you, you're calm, you make sense—You're better than 99% of my exes! And I've fucked around a ton. [he rambles on]
- Pencil: Well, I don' know whether to be grateful er annoyed!
- G.P.: Tell you what. After we go here, we head to the store and buy it!
- Pencil: Buy a store? 'Ow's'ee geh'n do thet?
[G.P. brings a finger to her lip. Pencil bites it.]
- G.P.: What was that for? Yeah, no, just don't ask me where my money comes from.
- Ximena: And that's when you came home.
- Sio: With this Janeka lady.
- Salvador: And her.
- Pen: Listen, I think I'm noticing a pattern here.
- Salvador: Yeah, Avi's into a bunch of different shiㅌ these days.
[A. R. I.]
- Pen: It's not that! You've completely ignored the fact that you've completely ignored your Aunt Match!
- Saye: We're sorry. It's just ... she was ... um ... Now that I think of it, we really don't have a good reason anymore.
- Yaretzi: I think the fair thing to do is to apologise to her.
- Zorah: You're right! Let's go!
- Javier: I'll be looking at the Christmas catalogue!
- Citlali: Ooh, me too!
[Exeunt omnes except Javier, Citlali and Sio.]
- Sio: I really hate when people act as a mob.
- Citlali: Right? That's why I stay as an individual!
- Javier: Mm-hmm.
- Citlali: Now if you excuse us, we're going online shopping.
[Citlali and Javier walk in the exact same way to her room.]
- Pencil: An' then 'e's says, "Wot'n'ale's there's African people in England fer?" Ah, y' sure punched'e hard, m8!
- Josef: Hi.
- G.P.: Ciao.
- Josef: How was the date, G.P.?
- Pencil: 'Twas the greates'. This man took me out fer a nigh' on the town. We wen' to the geh an' watch the new Findin' Dory film.
- G.P.: She insisted that not all things who talked are humans.
- Pencil: An' I felt the rugged bristles of 'is moustache as 'e kissed me 'n the back o' the cinema.
- Josef: Wow, you must have had a great time.
- Pencil: Oh, we did. An' 'o're you?
- G.P.: Oh, fuck, I forgot to introduce you. This is Josef, our personal servant.
- Josef: Pleased to meet you, Janeka clone.
- Pencil: Y'know, yer really a lot shorter than when I firs' met'ee.
- G.P.: Ah, he's a little man, isn't he. [he playfully taps the top of his head] I'll be right back. This handsome face can't shave itself!
- Josef: This is great, Janeka!
- Pencil: Wot d'ye means?
- Josef: He's in a good mood; I can get paid in full!
- Pencil: Yay? [Beat.] Y'knowst, I really misunderstood 'im when I first saw'e. Me thought 'e's jus' another rich arせhole!
- Josef: Oy, he can be sometimes—gevalt. But hear me over this, Janeka.
[He delivers his plea quietly, but urgently.]
- Josef: PLEASE, DON'T BREAK UP WITH HIM! You'll be helping no one. But worst of all, he pays me 99% less than usual when he's fucking pissed—and that does happen after a breakup.
- Pencil: Omg, thet's terrible! Back when I was a writin' instrument, my 'usband'd ne'er act thet way! 'E'd jus' rant on th' Internet all day.
- G.P.: Eh, girl, how do I look?
- Pencil: Like a well-disciplined man thet fulfils American beauty standards.
- G.P.: Noice!
- Josef: Yes, sir, you look very lit.
- G.P.: Bro. What the fuck d'you think you're doing talking to my girl? Youse attackin' her, that's what!
- Josef: Is it because I'm Jewish?
- Pencil: Me 'usban' back 'ome's Jewish.
- G.P.: Joey, it doesn't matter.
- Pencil: If I may h'intervene, an' it's completely righ' fer me to do so, I started the conversation first!
- G.P.: See, she started the conversation first. Why you always got to start something up, Joe?
- Josef: I am sorry, sir.
Back home in NairobiEdit
- Citlali: Y'know, it's great we can finally celebrate Aunt Ugh leaving.
- Qalam-Rassas: Mona, your turn!
- Ximena: "Who would most likely win at a fight?" The Sun ... a hurricane ... the town of Linz, Austria ...
- Javier: What does the other one say?
- Ximena: It's a write-in one.
- Yaretzi: If it's in Kiswahili, I know this!
[Ximena gives the card to Saye.]
- Saye: "My big wet pussy."
[Janeka starts laughing hysterically.]
- Janeka: It's funny 'cause it's true!
- Pen: Janeka, was that another inappropriate card?
- Janeka: What? Mm-hmm.
- Sio: Wait, isn't that an animal?
- Janeka: In your dreams, little one. WHOO! I am good.
- Pen: Unfortunately, you're also disqualified. The rules state a five bad-word limit.
- Janeka: Mm-mm, y'all can't fire me! I quit, fuckers!
[She literally cartwheels up the stairs.]
- Pen: We'll need to talk. Kids, you should probably get ready to sleep, good night, we love you.
- Citlali: But it's ten to midnight! ... Oh, never mind I've just realised.
[A. R. I. Exit Pen.]
- Salvador: Avi, you're the object dictionary. What is a "pussy"?
- Javier: Mm-mm, I don't define words anymore. You're better off asking how much it's worth!
- Pen: Janeka, why?
- Janeka: Why what?
- Pen: Why must you find that everything inappropriate is cool?
- Janeka: [defensively] Well, that was the only thing cool that happened this night! Every night with G.P., he'd treat me out to a date and I wouldn't expect a thing out of it! He'd never play Cards to Cards with a shitload of kids!
- Pen: They happen to be our—I mean my kids. Until we find a way to get you and my wife back, you have to be agreeable.
- Janeka: Fair game. Well, since we're sleeping apparently, you want to cuddle?
- Pen: Sure.
[He moves closer to her.]
- Janeka: You want to fuck?
- Pen: OH, no.
- Janeka: You do you, then.
- Pen: Good night!
- Janeka: Night.
Saturday, June 28, 2014Edit
Nairobi to Los AngelesEdit
- Pencil: ♫ Jus' ten minutes awake an' I've got to say, good mornin' America! ♫
- G.P.: Oh, you hate liberal news too?
- Pencil: ♫ Ooh-whaaaaaaaaaaaat? ♫
- G.P.: Fuck, girl, you don't have to be so loud.
- Pencil: I'm sorry—not sorry—but thet's jus' a part o' me mornin' routine. It jus' warms me so greatly ter 'avin' woken up next to the greates' man I— [realising] Oh, it's you.
- G.P.: I've got to go to work today. Catching bad guys is what I do best, though.
[Almost like a miracle, G.P. changes himself really quickly, and he is now by the door next to Pencil.]
- Pencil: 'Ave fun at yer job, me officer, you!
- G.P.: A good luck kiss for the road? Y'know, working in the force of the most intimidating city in the state really determines whether I—
- Pencil: Oi, shut up an' kiss me, y'fool!
[They kiss each other, which eventually becomes them making out.]
- G.P.: Baby, I love you.
- Pencil: Loves'ee more!
[Exit G.P. Pencil sighs.]
- Pencil: Wo'm a-'d done? I jus' kissed'e! An' 'e wasn' e'en me 'usband! But I mus' admit, I've been a-gettin' a lot more love from'e than from Pen. Besides, this is exactly wot Janeka'll do. P'r'aps I should get out meself an' shop.
- Javier: Hello, people!
- Citlali: We are back!
- Saye: You went to the mall again?
- [ · ]: Yeah!
- Janeka: They have malls in Africa?
- Citlali: Of course!
[Javier gets another signal.]
- Javier: I know what time this is!
[He turns it on, and the same App plays.]
- Voiceover: Welcome, Jay Veer Ess Cee Ray Be Are.
- Janeka: What is this again?
- Salvador: Something dumb.
- Javier: Every day, I get a new personality that I have to be as.
- Citlali: Wait, so that means I won't be seeing you all shoppy and stuff?
- Javier: I'm afraid I have to change.
- Janeka: Into what?
- Voiceover: This doesn't mean that you're popular now, because you still have some more tips to follow. The third tip of the day is: Being equivocally nice! Interpret that as you will, but you must be of good service to everyone by which you surround yourself. That is the only tip of the day, and see you tomorrow.
- Javier: Being nice, eh? I can do that!
[At once, he drops the shopping bags.]
- Citlali: Oh no, that had glass!
- Javier: [frantically] Do you need help with your—
- Salvador: No.
- Javier: Whatever, I'll help anyways. Hahahaha!
- Salvador: I swear, if he ruins my—
[The door opens.]
- Match: Guess who's here?
[Almost all of the children flee.]
- Janeka: Oh 🍆, it's you!
- Javier: Aunt Match!
- Match: W- what? You're actually speaking to me?
- Javier: Are you kidding? You're my favourite aunt!
- Match: I'm even better than Aunt Needy?
[A hand slaps her from afar, and a voice rings out.]
- Needle: [off-screen] Don't call me Needy!
- Match: Wait, why did I question the, like, obvious!
- Yaretzi: Avi, where did you put the— [sees Match] And I'll be back.
- Javier: Now, wait, sister. Let us be nice to our Aunt Match.
- Match: H, like, ell, like, Omg!
- Yaretzi: I don't know.
- Javier: Let us forgive our aunt. After all, it is the nice thing to do.
- Yaretzi: Hmm ... You're right! I love you, Auntie Match!
[She hugs her.]
- Match: Omg, Avi, can't you do that with, like, everyone? I want the whole world to, like, love me!
- Javier: That can't help. Seriously, it won't.
- Janeka: That's a 💩y Full House moment. This is why I will never have kids. I got my G.P., you know my man 🍆s me every day.
- Javier: TMI, we'll be outside!
- Yaretzi: We're going to convert more people.
- Match: [sighs] This feud is ...
- Janeka: Really stupid. Like honestly.
[The clock sounds. 16:20.]
- Janeka: What? It's 4:20? That's usually the time G.P. returns on his day shift.
- Match: Really? What, like, happens?
- Janeka: We express the true reason that we stay together.
- Match: Omg, like, what is it?
- Janeka: We 🍆.
- Match: Omg, seriously!
- Janeka: Girl, I am dead serious. When my boy walks through the door, he gets us ready, and we just 🍆. We 🍆 and 🍆 and 🍆 every day! And I swear, I get the best 🍆in' out of him.
- Match: [looking out the window] Wait no further, because here he is!
- Janeka: Wait! [she tries to pose herself like a magazine model] Gotta look sexy!
[She tries to bend herself, but does not work.]
- Janeka: Stupid object rules!
- Pen: Hey, everybody—Oh, Match is here.
- Janeka: 🍆 me hard, Daddy.
- Pen: Woah kay, I don't work that way.
[He goes upstairs. Janeka stops her pose and follows him.]
- Janeka: What's wrong? You heard someone speaking Mexican on the freeway?
- Pen: No, I just don't feel like I should have anything intimate with anyone but my wife.
- Janeka: Come on! In the human world I got sexed up every day!
- Pen: Well, I'm sorry but you have to know that "no" means "no".
[He closes the door. Janeka goes downstairs in a huff.]
- Janeka: 🍆ing Pen. But ... I am no ho! Maybe that Pencil 🐶 is having more fun than me.
- Match: Omg, hey, J-girl!
- Janeka: Hey, white girl!
- Match: Excuse me, I am a shade of light gamboge.
- Janeka: Anyways, I need to talk with you. It's about ... [she raises her eyebrows towards Salvador, who is playing on a MePad] him.
- Match: Oh, like, like, how you tried to attract him!
- Janeka: Shut the 🍆 up!
[She points at Salvador, who takes off his headphones.]
- Salvador: WHAAAAAT, I'm busy! And Javier's being loud again!
- Janeka: You blue pencil thing, us big folks are tryin' to talk.
- Salvador: Oh, no bother, I'll listen.
- Janeka: GET THE 🍆 OUT OF HERE, WE WANT TO TALK ABOUT 🎷!
- Salvador: Yes, ma'am!
[He runs off to his room, afraid.]
- Match: Wow, that boy, like, never shuts up!
- Janeka: Like most objects.
- Match: What was that? I was too, like, busy listening to myself.
- Janeka: What do I do about this Pen thing? I want my 🎷!
- Match: Janeka, I don't know how things go in your world, but here we do things different. Like, have you heard of consent?
- Janeka: Of course! Health class teaches us 💩 like that.
- Match: Well, stuff like that can wait. If he wants to fuק you, then he'll say that. But otherwise, you need to wait for him to be, like, "yes".
- Janeka: I guess I was being a bit #aggro.
- Match: Mm-hmm.
- Janeka: Hey, that's my line!
- Match: Omg, anyways … I have this app that can zoom in on anywhere in the human world! It can let you see your G.P. and my Penc-penc having fun!
- Janeka: Cool, what's it called?
- Match: Google Maps.
- Janeka: Seriously? All the tourists I have to talk to use that not to get mugged.
- Match: Well, I was in LA for some human, like, stuff, and they gave me this App! Want to see?
- Janeka: No, no thanks. I don't want to watch Pencil ? what am I, a liberal cuck?
- Match: A what?
- Janeka: Oh, it's just this thing I hear G.P. and his cop buddies saying.
- Match: Where are you again?
- Janeka: Hollywood, California, 90048.
- Match: Okay. [she types it] And what's your address?
- Janeka: Girl, if you're trying to send us Jehovah's Witness pamphlets—
- Match: Biץ', I'm Jewish! And it needs to know what house number.
- Janeka: It's … it's … I can't say it without laughing!
- Match: It's, like, 69, isn't it.
[Janeka starts laughing uncontrollably.]
- Janeka: No, it's 420!
[Match starts to laugh with her too.]
- Match: That's my boyfriend's favourite number!
- Janeka: He smokes weed?
- Match: He loves the addition better than me!
[They continue to laugh.]
- Janeka: I'll type it in.
[She takes her phone, types her address and clicks go. At first static, then grainy surveillance footage of the inside of a house—G.P.'s house—appears.]
- Janeka: No 🍆ing way, that's where I live! Thanks, Obama!
- Match: Yeah, I've tried this house in Random Location—who knows the weird shiט I've found!
- Janeka: Shh, let's watch.
- Match: Sound doesn't work.
- Janeka: Then just watch.
- G.P.: Yo, Janeka replacement!
- Pencil: 'Ello.
[G.P. looks at the TV.]
- G.P.: The Loud House, eh? That house with a million kids?
- Pencil: Aye, 't jus' reminds me h'o my ol' life. I've been watchin' reruns o' thet, Full 'Ouse an' Stuck in the Middle today.
- G.P.: That's sweet, dear. You having one of those bad hair days?
- Pencil: No, I jus' wen' to the natural 'uman 'air salon an' got it done. Got so many compliments on the street; y'like'ee?
- G.P.: [stunned at first] Can I touch it?
- Pencil: Wot? Thet's a strange question. I jus' talked ter a lady there 'bout the white people touchin' our 'air, but I guess you can be an exception acos yer me man.
- G.P.: I'm your man!
[He runs his fingers through her hair, now curly.]
- Pencil: An' may I touch yer 'air too?
- G.P.: Sure, why not?
[She pets his hair, always short, as if he were a dog.]
- G.P.: Did I mention how beautiful you look?
- Pencil: Why thanks'ee. This ain' some genr' er invitation fer'ee to do th'uman thing, innit?
- G.P.: Let me be subtle. You ever fucked before?
- Pencil: No, although the transaction o' sugars can be colloquially called thet.
- G.P.: [smirking] D'ya like to do something fun tonight?
- Pencil: Depends on the situation.
- G.P.: Come on, it'll be nice, my treat!
- Pencil: I suppose I can 'ave a bit fun. Ain' nothin' worse than catchin' meself sayin' "'ow rude" er "'ave mercy".
[G.P. goes to their bedroom. Janeka follows.]
- G.P.: Damn, it's hot in here.
- Pencil: Then take off yer sweatshirt! It's summer in California, d'ye, like, expectin' snow?
- G.P.: You know me so well!
[He takes his sweatshirt off, revealing his police uniform, and then a vest, and then nothing.]
- Match: Are you, like, watching sex? With, like, humans?
- Janeka: No way, I'm better than that. I'm watching reality TV!
- Match: Things are getting good.
- Janeka: Yeah, for now.
- Match: If you want to hear, I'll get the, like, earbuds.
- Pencil: Oi, h'I'm allowin' ourselves to fuク, so wot d'I need to know?
- G.P.: For one thing, we need a safe-word.
- Pencil: A wot?
- G.P.: It's this shit we do around here. And it's simple! Just say the word, and we'll stop.
- Pencil: 'Kay.
- G.P.: The word of the day is ... [pulls down a calendar with words on it] Daddy.
- Pencil: Daddy?
- G.P.: You're right, Janeka always calls me that when we fuck. How about tomorrow's word: Arse? It's vulgar and unused.
- Pencil: Sure, I'll say arセ.
- G.P.: Okay, the first thing you need to do is talk dirty. Repeat after me—
- Pencil: Look, I jus' wanner enjoy the same thing e'eryone on the top 40 songs talk about: an 'ot slice o' man.
- G.P.: Wow, it makes me happy you're so willing to fuck me. I am doing my job right.
- Pencil: It's jus', me mum's ne'er been close to me, me dad's been gone me h'entire childhood an' me husband 'a'n' got the time to be h'intimate with me. You're the firs' ray o' sunshine in thet sense.
- G.P.: Amd you're the ray of sun for me, .
- Pencil: Oi, thet means "me mos' beautiful"! I thought America's got an English only policy, yeah?
- G.P.: No, but it should. Except for Yiddish, y'know, to drown out the shit Joey says.
- Pencil: Well, I meself am a dweller in the fine art o' polyglocy. Fer me, ther 'ottes' languages are Danish an' Mandarin Chinese. I mean, 'o don' think 'earin' lad os få denne handling påbegyndt and rang wo men kai shi zhe ge dong zuo to be h'attractive?
- G.P.: So fuckin' right.
- Pencil: So, G.P., 'ow d' I start this? I do ye firs', er you do me?
- G.P.: It's a tradition that the man—obviously me—should start first. But I'll let you have a go.
- Pencil: Coolio!
- G.P.: Just grab on to something!
- Pencil: Kay-kay!
[She descends under the blankets and her legs are shown by where G.P.'s head is, G.P. laughs a bit.]
- G.P.: You're rubbing my leg?
- Pencil: I can't 'elp'e, it's jus' so fuzzy!
- G.P.: Sorry for being so manly?
- Pencil: No, I like'e! Remember BFDI?
[Flashback to some scenes from BFDI and BFDIA.]
- Pencil: I also vote for Tennis Ball, even though he's so fuzzy and everything.
- Puffball: ♫ Yay! ♫
- Pencil: Hey, it's so fuzzy!
- G.P.: Here, just rub my chest. It's not as fuzzy, but it does get all the girls looking at me in HB.
- Pencil: I wish I'd got 'air there.
- G.P.: You really don't. There ain't a guy I know who'd fuck a girl with hair on her—
[Pencil interrupts him with a kiss.]
- G.P.: Ho... ly... fuck. Baby, you got lips like a queen.
- Pencil: Why thanks'ee. I am related ter a Kenyan politician.
[He kisses her too.]
- Match: Like, got the listeny thingies!
[A single tear falls from Janeka's eye.]
- Match: Omg, what's wrong? I haven't seen a tear fall since GB in, like, episode 10!
- Janeka: It's nothing!
- Match: Oh my woodsickles, we're, like, at a good part! Let me plug them in.
[Janeka starts to cry wildly.]
- Janeka: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! This sucks so much! My G.P.'s all in love and passionate... passionate with that fucking bitch!
- Match: Woah, tone down the swearing! Like, repeat. Biצ'. Biצ'.
- Janeka: You don't understand! I can't see my man with another one! I thought he'd never be into black girls, that I'd be the only one for him, but NO, he got the African fever, and I am seeing the evidence, I am seeing the truth on this telephone!
[She drops the phone and breaks it on the coffee table.]
- Match: Omg, no! That was my MePhone 6!
- Janeka: [sadly] I'm sorry, Match ... I thought it was an iPhone.
- Match: [immediately in happiness] Like, whatever! I've still got my MePhone 6S!
[She skips out of the room, humming a tune.]
- Janeka: That girl ain't right in the head.
- Josef: Soup, my favourite. Maybe my friends will want some too.
[He opens the door to the bedroom. Pencil screams extremely loudly.]
- Josef: [quickly] Sorry, didn't mean to intrude on whatever this is—don't beat me up, G.P.!
- G.P.: I'd fucking get up and do it if I were wearing clothes!
- Pencil: But 'e can't do thet, acos 'e's doin' me!
- Josef: That is fine, sir, I know how much you don't enjoy fighting in the nude.
- Pencil: So, where are we?
- G.P.: At the part where I ask you if you like YouTube videos.
- Pencil: I know wot th' YouTube is, an' I enjoy the funny ones.
- G.P.: Maybe you'll know this one. "Johnny, Johnny?"
- Pencil: Omg, I do know this! Le' me recall ... "Yes, Papa?"
- G.P.: "Eating sugar?"
- Pencil: "No, Papa."
- G.P.: "Telling lies?"
- Pencil: "No, Papa."
- G.P.: "Open your mouth!"
- Pencil: "Ha ha ha!"
- Match: Damn, they're good.
[In the guest room, all of the kids are convening. What else is there do when their hated Aunt is in the house and their parents have gone?]
- Javier: [who has been making a speech] ... and that is why you should accept our Aunt Match.
- Zorah: Aw, how nice!
- Yaretzi: So you'll join us?
- Zorah: No, find your own cause!
- Qalam-Rassas: Yeah!
- Javier: Well!
- Yaretzi: Avi, I'm sorry to say this, but it looks like we're in the middle of a sibling war again.
- Javier: Oh no, not a Geschwisterkrieg! Heaven knows the last time that's happened.
- Yaretzi: So we know it's me, you and Sio against ... er ... Saye, Citlali, Ximena, Salvador, Zorah and QR. We need two more people on our side to finally get control.
- Javier: Wow, Issie! I didn't know you were such a good commander!
- Yaretzi: Do you know who my father is?
- Javier: Yeah, General Dad, dum-dum.
- Javier: Oh my gosh, that was mean! I apologise. Like, sincerely.
[Enter Match. The other kids flee.]
- Match: Omg, that was the most refreshing video, like, ever! I totally ship those two together.
- Yaretzi: Were you watching that anime again?
- Match: Like, actually I was watching—
- Yaretzi: Lallie, please get in here!
- Citlali: WHAT.
- Yaretzi: Aunt Match was watching anime!
- Citlali: Omg, really? Like, that's so cool!
- Match: Y'know, like ... Wait, if it's going to make me, like, well-liked ... Yeah!
- Yaretzi: One person, score!
- Javier: Hey, why is it that you're more like Dad? I'm the boy here!
- Yaretzi: You're also trying to be a nicer person. Just like Mum!
[Javier is about to say something, but only comes up with...]
- Javier: [flatly] True.
- Pencil: I thought ye was 'uman.
- G.P.: Of course I am. I'm a pretty attractive one at that too.
- Pencil: Then why'd'ee made those sounds?
- G.P.: I think I was too ... too ...
- Pencil: ... afraid to tell me the truth, so y' disguised'e with growls?
- G.P.: No, a real man should never be afraid. I was just thinking negative, that's what.
- Pencil: Oh, spill'e, do!
- G.P.: Okay. [he takes a deep breath] I'M PEN FROM BFDI!
[Pencil doesn't react. She simply blinks.]
- G.P.: What? No reaction?
- Pencil: Y'thought I di'n' know thet?
- G.P.: But ain't I the complete opposite of him? Like, Pen's gay, right?
- Pencil: 'E's trans, m8. Oh, I shouldn' 'a' says thet.
[She takes a sip of tea.]
- G.P.: How'd you ever guess that I'm Pen?
- Pencil: It's obvious, innit?
[She gets up. G.P. follows.]
- Pencil: You're all dominant, me Pen's all recessive, y'embrace yer Italianness, Pen denies et, Pen distrusts authority, you are authority, Pen ain' got 'air nowhere, an' you's got 'air e'erywhere. Since I figured out 'ow fucked up this dimension is, th' opposite o' him mus' be you! Makes up a lot fer the guilt o' bein' intimate with another man.
- G.P.: Hold on, aspetti—You swore!
- Pencil: Aye, so wot? It feels great fer me mouth, y'know, an' with me bein' British ... yeah.
- G.P.: Well, welcome to the fucking club. Emphasis on the last word.
- Pencil: D'ye remember any o' yer life after BFDI?
- G.P.: No, I actually don't. All I remember is that there was this one asshole, laughing at all of us cowering.
- Pencil: Wot'd'e look like?
- G.P.: I don't remember. But she gave me her business card.
- Pencil: Then let's go!
- G.P.: Wait!
- Pencil: Wot?
- G.P.: I need to go to the station.
- Pencil: Why?
- G.P.: Consultation. I need to know if breaking and entering is legal.
- Pencil: Oh, so you pull o'er a driver fer bein' Eas' Asian an' thet's legal, but ye question if it ain' to break an' enter?
- G.P.: Yeah, come on!
- Josef: What were you saying about things being legal?
- G.P.: Joe, we're going. Now.
- Josef: Yes, sir!
- Pen: What are you doing?
- Match: I'm, like, saving Pencil!
- Pen: [sigh] What did Janeka do?
- Match: She broke my, like, phone!
- Pen: She said you were fine ... next to like a hundred negative words.
- Citlali: I'm bored, what are you doing.
- Match: Digging a hole to get your mum. But I'll need help!
- Pen: You could have asked me!
- Match: Oh, you're a weak person!
- Citlali: I'll help! And I'll get my squad!
[At once, Javier, Sio and Yaretzi appear.]
- Yaretzi: At your service!
- Sio: What? I was busy finding—
- Citlali: Oi, you want to get mum back?
- Columbus: Yo, G.P., you're here again! You come to turn these people in?
- G.P.: Co, this is serious. We need consultation. Do you think it's legal to break in and enter someone else's house?
- Columbus: Come on G, you know the answer is a strict no! Maybe you should think before doing all of that stuff... or did that Janeka convince you to go and break the law?
- G.P.: Break the law, just because I'm in the presence of her? You're an ... ass! You can't just go assuming that someone a different colour from you will do something illegal!
- Columbus: Wow, you never stand up for a girl you just fucked. The African fever must be getting into your head.
- G.P.: Grr ...
- Pencil: If I may says somethin' in the centre o' this racial tension, I'd like to find this Lelanda chick an' actually question 'er o'er our identities.
- G.P.: The lady is right.
- Columbus: Oh, it's generally illegal, but I'll make an exception since it's Lelanda Perez.
- Pencil: Wow, th' American legal system's really flexible.
Some office in LAEdit
- Lelanda: Huh? Oh my, it's 6:00! And it's the time-iversary of my control of the ex-BFDI contestants! ♫ I tricked everyone! Ha ha ha ha ha! I'm in control! Ha ha ha ha ha! Who's the nice one now? Ha ha ha ha ha! ♫
[The door immediately bursts open. On the other side is Pencil and G.P., the latter using Josef as a battering ram.]
- Josef: OW!
- Lelanda: Don't hurt me, I'm just an assistant producer! Wait a second ... Pen, Pencil, Eraser, you all came to visit!
- Pencil: Wait a second. Thet's Eraser? Then thet means ...
- Josef: This hurts.
- Pencil: Oi, 'umans go fragile! Say sorry, m8.
- G.P.: Sorry, Joey.
- Josef: No problem. I'm not crying for you.
- Lelanda: I wasn't expecting anyone to come. Me-praising hours are 6 to 6; you just missed it.
- G.P.: We didn't come to praise you.
- Pencil: We came to get back th' lives out o' wot we'd been a-stolen!
- Lelanda: Pencil, your voice! It's not good marketing!
- Pencil: I beg yer pardon?
- Lelanda: You sound all British! What the audience wants is a true African-American woman. You know, the voice that every African-American woman has?
- Pencil: Wot?
- Lelanda: You must be new here. Would you like me to tell you exactly what happened after BFDI?
- Pencil: Aye, please.
- Josef: G.P. thinks it would be great for us to catch up.
- G.P.: I really don't.
- Josef: He really doesn't.
- Lelanda: Let me start. It was New Year's Day, 2012, like, four years ago. I was doing my studies at the University of California, Los Angeles, and like many college students, I was in great debt. I wanted a way to make money for myself, and since I intended to major in film producing, I decided to latch onto the latest cancelled series—
- Josef: Which was—
- Lelanda: Do not interrupt me when I speak, Jewish-American male. Anyways, the series was called Battle for Dream Island. Distraught that the second season was proclaimed by the creators to be cancelled, I decided to make my own version of BFDI. Using human actors. That night I was eating at this fancy restaurant near Sepulveda ...
- Janeka: Excuse me, wot'r'ee sayin' now?
- Lelanda: Do not interrupt me when I speak, African-American female. Anyways, I was eating from my unknown red sauce when I suddenly encountered a party of twenty-one eating at some banquet or somewhere. And I was thinking, Now twenty-one is the number of contestants on BFDI! What if I could suddenly recreate BFDI using those people? So I approached those people and lol and behold, those were the BFDI characters!
- Janeka: Ah, yeah, thet was the victory dinner we 'osted right after the show's o'er!
- Lelanda: Excuse me, but this is my story, not yours. Anyways, I approached each and every one of them, clearly happy about their lives, and interviewed them on the grounds that they participate in this brand new BFDI. And what I found was disturbing. How disturbing?, you may ask but I know that you will not. Well, I found it completely unrealistic to find an African-American with a British accent, a White American having served with the Army of Africa, a Polish-American identifying herself as a Jewish-American whilst simultaneously having blonde hair and blue eyes. I'm sorry, I digress. Anyways, I decided that we were going to make a few changes around here.
- Janeka: You listenin', boys?
- G.P.: To be honest, everything that comes out of her mouth—
- Josef: —is bullshit. Hold on, I just swore before a woman. Slap my behind, sir!
- Lelanda: Test subjects, please be quiet as I speak! Anyways, I didn't want my subjects to carry on the same personalities as the BFDI characters, because frankly, who wants to see a character who dies every episode—no, that's been established already by South Park! So I just assigned all of you your personalities and fake names based on the archetypes whom you resemble. You, Janeka, with your dark skin, you, Josef, with your pale skin and you, G.P., the big guy with a moustache.
- Janeka: So wait—
- Lelanda: I do not stall. Anyways, you all got so instilled in your roles you were playing that you became your characters! You shouldn't be so ashamed of yourselves; this has happened before. As a minor in psychology, I suggest you may recall the Stanford Prison Experiment, the Third Wave, the Milgram Shock Experiment … You all lost all sense of your identity, and playing these parts for four years! Just, my God, this experimental series has took a toll on you three!
- Columbus: Not just these three.
[Lelanda turns around, and sees a large group of characters. Though not explicitly stated their names are Adolfo, David, Eugenia, Florence, Frederick, Isis, Kathrina, Maja, Nathalia, Phuong, Rocky, Simon, Spongy, Tahira, Thomas and Woody.]
- Lelanda: No way, it's all of you!
- Columbus: Damn right, it's all of us.
- Lelanda: This is actually exciting me; I haven't seen you all since I became Experimentress Leafy.
- Phuong: That is because everyone hates you!
- Lelanda: Everyone, I have come to explain to you what your stereotypes are in the most politically correct language as possible.
[Everyone stands there in shock.]
- Lelanda: Blocky, the fascist Argentine with National Socialist origins, Coiny, the privileged white American police officer, David, the average human, Golf Ball, the old white conservative American woman, Flower, the woman engulfed in promiscuity, Firey, the red-haired Irish American, Ice Cube, who is basically the exported version of Elsa from Frozen, Bubble, the Turkish German … American, Match, the Jewish-American princess, Needle, the Puerto Rican New York resident, Pin, the Asian American woman, Rocky, the child with a physical disability, Snowball, the sexually perverted elderly man, Spongy, the overweight American boy, Teardrop, the burqa-clad Muslim adolescent, Tennis Ball, the all-American boy and Woody, the child with a mental disability. And of course you have Pencil, the sassy, eh-em, mega-glutish African-American woman, Eraser, the neurotic and subservient Jewish-American male and Pen, the hirsute, aggressive American Greek!
- Pencil: Well … thet's wrong!
- Lelanda: You're right, that's why I'd decided to make him an Italian American—all the others were taken by Full House.
[Everyone talks amongst each other.]
- Pencil: It ain' nice ter insult someone else's culture, er a' leas' assume thet all members of a group act thet way.
- Lelanda: Oh, I know that.
- Pencil: Thanks'ee fer understandin'.
- Lelanda: And that is why I continue!
- Pencil: But why?
- Lelanda: It would be interesting to see how people react to their roles. It was originally going to be a six-day experiment.
- Pencil: Six days?
- G.P.: Four years—that's insane.
- Pencil: Lelanda, thet's 'orrible. They can't e'en remember 'o they were back then!
- Lelanda: That's not something I can fix! I minored in psychology and hypnosis! Wait, ignore that last part.
- Pencil: 'Ypnosis?
- Lelanda: I said, ignore that last part!
- Pencil: This wa'n' psychology 't all! A true psychologis' woul'n' delve deep in the world o' bad ethics. Y'ypnotised all these people into sayin' wot y'wants 'em to say! You … you're truly the manipulative one!
- G.P.: I am both disturbed and jealous.
- Josef: If Mr. G.P. thinks so, then so do I.
- Pencil: Tell us 'ow to fix 'em back!
- Lelanda: I am disclosed to secrecy.
- Columbus: I was always told to fight fire with fire.
- Frederick: As someone who identifies with fire, it's don't fight fire with fire!
- Columbus: I can make it legal to slap you right now!
- Pencil: So yer sayin' to fight stereotypes with stereotypes?
- Columbus: Yeah! Perez is your last name, right?
- Lelanda: [agitated] No!
- Pencil: Omg, 'f thet's yer surname, y' mus' speak Spanish, right?
- G.P.: Right, and she must also be Mexican!
- Columbus: And an immigrant.
- Lelanda: No, no, no, that's all not true! My ancestors came from Spain in the some-teenth century; I can't even speak Spanish! You … you're all so stereotypical! Those words … they're hurting me! You do know I'm not going to tell though, right?
- Pencil: Oi, we'll 'a' to get it out o' ye'n a differen' way. G.P.!
- G.P.: Yo!
- Pencil: 'Ow many girls 'a you got sex with?
- G.P.: Oh, too many. [he points] This boy doesn't count his loves.
- Pencil: [smirking] An' would y' says you'd add some boys in the mix?
- G.P.: God no. G.P. is a fuckboy, he don't fuck boys.
- Eugenia: [overhearing] Good for you, sir. According to the Book of Leviticus: "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination."
- Pencil: [raising her arms] Seriously?
- G.P.: Yeah, that is the wrong version. The King Jake version—what am I? Protestant?
- Pencil: But wot o' thet time in bed? Remember y'says yer 'ad a fling with Trey, thet Australian bloke?
- G.P.: He was experimenting! And like everyone, he found me just irresistable.
- Lelanda: No, this can not be! You can't be gay and Italian—it's not good marketing!
- G.P.: And you're fairly rich, right?
- Pencil: Aye, o' course. I grew up middle class in an international city. I mean, fer Africa.
- Lelanda: What? An African who isn't poor? No one will believe me!
- Pencil: An' G.P., I'd 'ate to be the one to bring'e h'up righ' now, but di'n' y'imply thet you once fucked yer own servan' Josef once?
- Josef: It's only true if Mr. G.P. says it is.
- G.P.: Hey, the old T. Jeff'son did it, and he made America independent again.
- Josef: Again?
[Pencil gasps loudly.]
- G.P.: Oh, it was a one-time thing. And he asked for it politely.
- Pencil: WOW!
- G.P.: Hey, it's 2016. Anyone can like whoever they want.
- Lelanda: No, you're supposed to be a Trump supporter!
- Pencil: It ain' thet.
- G.P.: Then what is it?
- Pencil: It's jus' where I come from, an' the way e'erythin' should be … … YOU TWO'RE BROTHERS!
[A flash emanates from Lelanda. Then darkness for a few seconds.]
A house somewhereEdit
- Pencil: Oh me gosh, 's thet us?
- Maja: I look good.
- Pencil: I think I know wot's goin' on. We jus' transferred ourselves into the lives thet we were livin' ourselves if Leler 'and' been directin' our lives! Luckily, I know 'ow exactly 'ow to work this. All o' ye, stand in the same positions as yer people.
[They are in the process of doing so.]
- G.P.: Er, it's kind of hard to balance like this.
- Pencil: Then, y' jus' say wot comes naturally to ye.
- G.P.: Fair enough.
- Maja: [from outside] HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH THIS?
- Pencil: I've been on a trip like this before. Long story, involvin' yer boyfriend.
[Time is about to unfreeze, indicated by an icon of a stopwatch hidden in ice.]
- G.P.: Okay, but I don't see how this is going to—
- G.P.: —usually you love your aunt! So please at least try to be nice to her.
- Saye: I guess you're right, Dad.
- Salvador: Why did we hate her anyways?
- Zorah: She dropped a crumb on our floor.
- Salvador: Oh yeah! I don't even remember that.
- Qalam-Rassas: I guess we were acting like …
- Ximena: Dumb people!
- Qalam-Rassas: Yeah!
- Pen: This is too touching!
- Salvador: We're doing this to get Mum back!
- Maja: They're cute, aren't they.
- Janeka: I know, well, I got 'em, all ten o' them.
- Maja: I hope they're all—
- Match: —not mad at me.
- Pencil: O' course not. Look, 'ere they come now!
- Match: Oh great, they're probably going to attack. You know they're, like, trained in war?
[Enter Saye, Ximena, Salvador, Zorah and QR, who hug her.]
- Pencil: Oh, me word!
- Saye: Aunt Match, we just wanted to apologise.
- Qalam-Rassas: Yeah, we were jerks.
- Salvador: And not the good kind.
- Saye: We don't even know why we were mad at you in the first place!
- Match: Aw, I feel so admired! The way I should be.
- Pencil: Aye, y'know, y'should 'a forgiven'e h'in the firs' place!
- Saye: Janeka, you're British!
- Pencil: O' course! Wait, 'o's Janeka?
- Ximena: It is you!
[They all hug Pencil instead.]
- Zorah: YOU CAN STOP DIGGING NOW!
- Janeka/Penelope: Seriously, 'o's Janeka? Me name's Penelope!
[A. R. I. of confusion.]
- G.P.: Am I still G.P.?
[He looks at his Kenyan driving licence: His name is still Gian Pietro Graffeo.]
- G.P.: Phew!
- Maja: Okay, I'm confused. The, like, dimensions and stuff? Like, what?
- Pencil: Y'know wot? It don' matter anymore. I'm all safe, an' yer all safe, an' e'erythin's back to normal.
- Match: You're totally right. Everything is back to—
[The tablet beeps again.]
- Javier: Ooh, a half-day tip!
[Match takes the tablet, and breaks it immediately.]
- Javier: Omg, no! That was my MePad Mini!
- Match: Avi, you're nice, you're cool, you can survive junior high school.
- Pencil: Well, thet was unexpected.
- Javier: Whatever, I've still got my MePad Pro!
[He skips back inside, humming a tune.]
- Pencil: Now e'erythin's back to normal.
[They all sigh in relief.]
- Pencil: Thank fuck.
- Pen: Hey, everyone! Gian Pietro here.
- Pencil: Penelope followin'.
- Pen: Wait, are we using our human names?
- Pencil: There's a good reason. So we've jus' returned from the third dimension an' saw the crazies' things!
- Pen: And we're here to proview— previdew— Sorry, my accent's adjusting to my usual Toronto instead of Bronx.
- Pencil: To provide ye with some 'uman accessories sure to disguise yerselves in the third dimension if 'e becomes legal again.
- Pen: And they are ...
[Sparkle sound effect. Pencil now has a fake moustache on.]
- Pencil: These! So fer ladies, you got a moustache! This fanciful facial 'air comes in 72 differen' colours, an' you'll see'e on, like, a third o' the population.
- Pen: And this, for the men watching, is a wig of long hair. You can style it in, what, I think a hundred ways. It's a popular saying in the human world that real men have long hai—
- Pencil: Oi, Pen, we can't see ye.
- Pen: You really want to see where I put mine? [he points at his cap]
- Pencil: O-kay, then, sorry fer askin'! Wait, isn' the moustache fer guys an' the long 'air fer girls?
- Pen: Y'know ...
- Pencil: Acos I seem ter've been told thet mos' men wouldn' date a girl with extrer 'air on—
- Pen: Y'know what? It doesn't matter what you identify as and you want either of these choices, you do you!
- Pencil: Thet's correct!
- Saye: [voice heard only] You're also correct in that you two only have five seconds left!
- Pen: Oh ... we do?
- Saye: Yeah.
- Pencil: Oh, shiト—
- ↑ If that is the official term of it.
- ↑ C'est la vie.
- ↑ I won't be naming it, but if you've been there, you'll know what it is.
- ↑ Was that even a word last last June?
- ↑ This is just a life lesson in general.
- ↑ According to the BFDI wiki.
- ↑ In other words, the shows that continue to make the childless not want any kids.
- ↑ This is common; apparently police officers wear someone over their uniform when leaving towards home.
- ↑ I had to! It totally fits the summer of '16!
- ↑ (Dan.) "Let us get this action starting"
- ↑ (Zh.) "Let us get this action starting"
- ↑ This is the part that will eventually make me cringe in the future. I've never written something like this before.
- ↑ XVIII 0226
- ↑ XXVIII 0040
- ↑ There has to be a meanwhile scene.
- ↑ Read here for more info.
- ↑ They are a good band.
- ↑ NONONONONO
- ↑ I'm pretty sure Caucasian is no longer PC.
- ↑ Ooh, plot twist!
- ↑ Goodness, this sounded a lot better in my head than in writing.
- ↑ Later revealed to be somewhere in Nairobi.