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"The One Where No One Has Common Sense" is the non-canon fourteenth episode of TPOT by Jacknjellify. It was released on 17 September 1977. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 14 (or even TPOT 2) comes out. During the creation process, this episode was known as "The One Where Everyone Lacks Common Sense" until it was changed... I wonder who that one without common sense is referring to. Other early titles for this included "Never Turn Your Back on Two's New Planet" and "Give a Little Love" (until the challenge was moved to TPOT 16). It was also called "Can You Tell Me?" before that title was moved to that of the next episode.
Previous episode: "File in the Cab!"
Next episode: "Can You Tell Me?"
Pre-credits scene[]
EXIT[]
- Pencil: So, David, we're excited to hear what you have to say next.
- Liy: Will it be juicy?
- Stapy: Will it be gossip?
- Bracelety: WILL THERE BE ICE CUBE?
- David: Aw, seriously?
- Pencil: That's so interesting!
- Stapy: Boy, am I glad that everyone in this room can understand the words of David.
- Match: Not everyone.
- Liy: It must be so groovy to be universally recognized, David!
- Match: Not by me.
- David: Aw, seriously?
- 8-Ball: Now that everyone here knows what you mean, all the time—
- Match: Not... MEEEEEEEE!
[Everyone looks at Match.]
- Liy: To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand David.
- Pencil: He can do so much!
- Match: Oh yeah? Like what.
- David: AW, SERIOUSLY?
[David uses the power of his magical fingers on Roboty.]
- Firey Jr.: Roboty... are you okay?
- Roboty: I... I am okay!
[Everyone gasps, for Roboty has spoken with a human voice.]
- Firey Jr.: Roboty. You spoke!
- Roboty: Yes, I did! And not only can I now speak non–Morse Coded English, I can also share my deepest desires with you through the power of music. Eh-em.
[The lights in the EXIT get dark as a dramatic ballad begins to play for three minutes.]
Vocalist(s): Roboty
Roboty: ♫ Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant...
Money. ♫
[To no applause, the scene continues as usual.]
- Liy: What else can you do, David?
- David: Aw, seriously?
[Silence.]
- David: Aw, seriouslyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
[The intro plays, the first time that it has been started by someone other than Two.]
Post-intro[]
AYO's hotel room[]
- Golf Ball: [claps her feet] TV, turn on the news.
- Fanny: Golf Ball, TV does not work like that!
- Lightning: You'll have to ask him more nicely.
- TV: Oh, it's no problem; I can do it.
[TV turns on his news channel.]
- Cheesy: [on the screen] Ba-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.
- Pen: Hey, is that Cheesy?
- Golf Ball: No, it's Walter Zincite. /s Now turn it off!
[Everyone looks at Golf Ball, confused by her hypocrisy.]
- Golf Ball: You know that contact with the outside world is dangerous!
- Tree: Says the person who acts like it's still 1950.
- Golf Ball: [shocked] Uh— I'm not being shunned here, am I, Puffball?
- Puffball: No, I never told anyone about our Sedation Station sessions.
- Golf Ball: Then why is everyone acting so hostile?
- Eraser: Maybe it's because no one likes you.
- Cheesy: And that's how government cheese became the cheese of the year. Isn't that Gouda? [slaps himself] In other news, TPOT fans around the world are still puzzling over the mysterious murder of contestant Snowball.
[Lightning's eyes get big.]
- Cheesy: According to official reports, Snowball was last seen outside Two's Hotel on the night of March 15th, 1977—
- Lightning: Nya!
[Lightning throws TV out the window.]
- Tree: Lightning, what was that for?
- Fanny: You are no cat; don't say nya!
- Lightning: Heh, heh, maybe watching television's not so good for us, and Golf Ball was right, right right right.
- Golf Ball: I'm frequently right!
- TV: [from outside] I'm okay! I landed in the world's biggest sand pit!
- Pen: The world's biggest sand pit? That sounds like fun! Where is it?
- Black Hole: In the world's biggest playground, Pen. /s
Outside the hotel[]
- Robot Flower: TV, are you okay?
- TV: That's my team. Don't wear it out.
- Basketball: He looks and sounds okay to me!
[Enter all of Death PACT Again and Are You Okay, talking to one another.]
- Remote: I am just saying it's quite concerning.
- Black Hole: Let's worry about that later.
- Remote: Okay.
- Tree: Hey, Tele, Lightning wants to tell you something.
- Lightning: I'm sorry for throwing you off the roof.
- TV: It's fine. Either that or I listen to Golf Ball all day.
- Golf Ball: Wha?
[Basketball stifles a laugh.]
- Lightning: What are ye doing out here anyway?
- Barf Bag: Oh. We all thought Two was coming back to tell us about the contest.
- Donut: Yeah, and maybe do Cake at Stake.
- TV: But we can't do Cake at Stake if no one voted.
- Eggy: Oh yeah. Well, I'm not getting eliminated today. See y'all later, chickens!
- Basketball: Eggy, Cold Woe Bunch lost last time, not us.
- Eggy: Still not leaving!
[Exit Eggy.]
- Yellow Face: So without Two, and without Cake at Stake, we're just doing... nothing? [Beat.] YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
- Bottle: Race you to the sandbox, Yellow Face!
- Remote: But Bottle, the whole world is a—
[Yellow Face and Bottle run off.]
- Winner: Then I guess we've really got nothing to do.
- Clock: This is a ticking outrage. There's no host, no Cake at Stake results, and no contest! This clearly violates the rules of fair competition.
- Winner: But it's happened before.
- Clock: Regrettably!
- Book: How about we go to the Filing Cabinet and free all the people inside?
- Needle: No! You can't do that!
- Tennis Ball: You just can't!
- Book: Huh, why not? I want to hear all the spicy conversations that go on there!
- Tennis Ball: Trust me, Book, you do not want to know what goes on in the Filing Cabinet.
- Needle: And that's from somebody who's been there.
- Clock: I know you're hiding something, Needle. What happens when you're eliminated?
[Needle speaks under her breath.]
- Needle: Fight the threat of eternal death despite potentially earning relationship points from someone you love! [Aloud.] We really can't say.
- Clock: You can't even tell me? [tries to make "puppy-dog eyes" but fails]
- Needle: Nope. And not when you look like that, sheesh!
- Winner: [Aside, to Clock.] She called you out.
- Golf Ball: You are not going to tell me either, Tennis Ball?
- Tennis Ball: I'm sorry.
- Golf Ball: In this house, we tell one another everything!
[Silence. Cloudy changes the subject]
- Cloudy: Well, if there's no Cake at Stake today, shouldn't we still have a contest?
- Coiny: Cloudy's right! Back when I was on BFDI—
- Gaty: Uggggggggggh.
- Coiny: There was this one episode where no one was eliminated, but we still did a contest: "The Cycle of Life", 'member?
- Pin: Naaaaaaaaaah—oh wait, I was eliminated.
- Needle: Hey, so was I.
- Pen: Boy, that sure brings me back. I was carrying Pencil, eh, and it was the greatest nineteen seconds of my life.
[Pen sighs and gets elbowed by Tree]
- Eraser: Slow down, brother.
- Donut: If anybody wants to do a contest, we need a host.
- Yellow Face: [stopping] I volunteer Donut as host!
- Coiny: Ooh, me too!
- Donut: Me? No, no, no, no, I'm retired from hosting.
- Barf Bag: Me too. None of you know how much work it is until you do it yourselves.
- Donut: Now I know why Two drinks apple juice every night.
[Winner steps up.]
- Winner: In times like these, we need a clear leader to step up. Someone who has been enlightened in their own way and has the desire to enlighten others as well. Someone with integrity and full respect for the rules and customs that bind us to a greater society. We need...
- Clock: Me. Cut the confusion, people, because Winner's suggesting that I step in as host.
- Needle: Yay, yay, Clock's hosting, yay! [dances]
- Clock: I've been studying the governments of many countries around the world, including North Goikyan Korea and the Goikyan USSR. I know how to rule.
- Gaty: Clock. What the hell is wrong with you?
- Saw: Yeah, you can't just imit8 those dict8orships!
- Clock: Oh, please.
- Gaty: And you know how they end up, right?
- Saw: Yeah, I watched An Aqueduct Too Far on TV; they all end up obliter8ed!
- Clock: I wasn't actually going to impose an imperial rule on you all. You're off your dial if you think a man can't be a good leader without being a dic—
[Needle gasps.]
- Clock: —tator.
- Gaty: [confused] Tater?
- Saw: Did you just call yourself a pot8o?
- Bottle: Tick-tock boy's a potato!
- Fanny: [to Clock] Hater!
- Tennis Ball: Clock, every character that looks like David is a man... or "human" as I now know is the right term. We're circles.
- Clock: Grrgh, forget it.
[A letter falls out of the sky and lands on Price Tag.]
- Price Tag: Hey, a letter fell on me!
- Naily: Ooh, I love when this happens.
- Price Tag: [reading] Oh. This is long. Can someone else read it, please?
- Puffball: I can do it.
- Price Tag: Yay!
- Book: I always like hearing your voice, Puffy.
- Puffball: Don't call me Puffy! But you may continue to praise my voice.
- Book: I'm serious, she's got, like, the perfect voice for narrating a book on cassette.
- Golf Ball: [to Puffball] Read it!
- Puffball: Okay, okay. [goes to the centre of the landscape] "Dear valued contestants... [Puffball's voice fades out and Two's voice (as they wrote the letter) fades in.] I am truly sorry, but I cannot be at today's competition. I am currently in the Equation Playground Infirmary undergoing wilful physiotherapy as I learn to combine myself after being split in two in the last episode. But does this mean you can go on hostless? No-no! Ho-ho! No-no! Ho-ho! No-no! Ho-h—" [as herself] Okay, this goes on for, like, twenty lines.
- Basketball: What else does it say?
- Puffball: Mmm, let's see... [as Two] "I have decided to appoint one contestant from all of you to be the temporary host of this episode. After spinning a wheel with all of your body pillows on it, I have determined that the host of this episode will be Gaty..." [as herself] Okay, Gaty, you're not going to want to hear this.
- Gaty: Wait, what?
- Saw: Don't worry, I'll cover for you! LALALALALALALALA—
- Puffball: [reading, as Two] "Even though she is boring."
[Saw stops singing.]
- Gaty: What did Puffball say?
- Saw: You don't want to know.
- Puffball: [still as Two] "In the event that Gaty should find out I called her boring..."
[Gaty gasps.]
- Puffball: [still as Two] "The rôle will be given to Robot Flower, whose vivacity is great enough to destroy the universe twelve times over and whom I consider competent enough to be your host. Don't forget to do a challenge and report back to me which team lost. Ambiguous feelings towards you all, Two. x"
- Coiny: [confused] X? But X hosted BFB!
- Fanny: Oh, I get it. And you wouldn't, Bicentenn-alien!
- Coiny: That was, like, a year ago. Let it go, Bene-stick-t Arnold!
- Fanny: Oh.
Pre-contest[]
Outside[]
- Gaty: [dreamy-like] Wow, me as host? [suddenly] Coiny, you're eliminated. Go to the Filing Cabinet and never come out.
- Coiny: [happily] Okay!
[Coiny walks to the Filing Cabinet and falls through the portal.]
- Gaty: And... everyone else, you're also eliminated but you can, I don't know, play in the sand. Except you, Saw, because you win the power of Two!
- Saw: Yes! I choose to give half of it to you, Gaty... Gaty... Gaty...
[Saw's "Gaty's" become "G8y's" as a mystical harp sting plays, revealing that Gaty has been daydreaming.]
- Saw: [in real life] G8y, wake up!
- Gaty: Huh? Oh. Coiny's still here.
- Saw: I know. It makes me so sad to say this, but you can't really be a host now. You found out that Two called you boring!
- Gaty: Oh yeah. [sigh] The torch is yours, Robot Flower.
- Robot Flower: No, Gaty, you can host!
- Gaty: Really?
- Robot Flower: Yeah!
- Gaty: Wow, thanks, Robot Flower.
- Basketball: It's interesting how nice everyone's been acting.
- Tree: Well, when someone dies, people realize that being mean just isn't worth it.
- Naily: I think you mean... "just not worth it".
- Tree: I really didn't.
[Naily, Price Tag and Cake laugh among themselves. Eventually they quiet down and an ominous silence falls over the land. Everyone looks at Gaty.]
- Gaty: What? [seeing the crowd of contestants in front of her] Oh, why do all these awkward moments involve me?
- Saw: You're supposed to announce the challenge.
- Gaty: Oh. Ummmm... the challenge is... the host needs some alone time!
[Gaty turns around.]
- Remote: Maybe the challenge should be to find out who killed Snowball.
- Lightning: [sweating] Sure, we can totally do that now.
- Tree: Hey, Pen, you're good at starting needless conversations. Tell our host what she said.
- Pen: Yes, sir! [to Gaty] Hey, Gaty—
- Gaty: I heard you the first time. Thanks for telling me, though.
- Pen: No problem, buddy!
- Gaty: [Aside.] Moj Bog, I've been buddied by 🅱️en. [Aloud.] Easy there, Dawson, I ain't into no guys.
- Saw: Oh, come on, G8y, everybody knows we stick together better than glue on a camper van!
- Gaty: Yeah. Thanks, Saw. [blushes]
[Beat.]
- Gaty: So the contest!
Equation Playground Infirmary[]
- One: Two, please?
- Two: That's me! I've been in this waiting room for the past hundred days.
[One leads Two to their office.]
- One: Alright, I shall need your height and your weight.
- Two: Variable and variable. It's a bit ironic considering I'm a constant, innit?
- One: Yes, well, we have to ask these questions to everyone now, as more and more non-algebraliens come through our doors.
- Two: Really? How peculiar!
- One: In fact, of the 2,763 patients we admitted last year, six were objects.
- Two: Oy, objects. It was objects that got me into this mess.
- One: Right, I saw it. All of us at the infirmary saw it.
- Two: Do you all watch The Power of Two here?
- One: Of course! We numerical health workers need to keep ourselves entertained sometimes, and what better way to do so than by supporting our fellow integers?
- Two: Interesting.
Contest[]
Impromptu auditorium[]
- Gaty: Welcome to Trial by Jury!
- Saw: Isn't that the name of a play?
- Gaty: Dang it, now I have to start all over.
- Saw: No, it's fine; it's public domain.
- Gaty: Is it?
- Saw: For a couple of years now.
- Gaty: I had no idea.
- Eraser: Why're we standing up here, boss?
- Golf Ball: If this is some kind of torture chamber, I won't have it!
- Gaty: [imitating Two] I'm so glad you asked, Golf Ball! [as herself] I have interviewed a number of you and found that everyone up here was out at some point the night Snowball was murdered. [to the camera] But just so you all know, I can't be guilty because I was having a party with Saw.
- Saw: We drank orange juice while listening to the latest disco hits!
- Cloudy: Orange juice. That's intense.
- Winner: So that's the strange music I heard in my dreams that night!
[Gaty begins to pace around the stage.]
- Gaty: And now, dear contestants, we get to the interrogation part of our contest.
- Yellow Face: This is going to be so much fun!
- Puffball: But Yellow Face, we're being questioned about a murder.
- Yellow Face: So?
- Gaty: Now, to the sixteen of you in the audience, and Saw: you are all holding a Truth Device with a row of colourful buttons on it.
- Eraser: Lucky.
- Gaty: Thanks for that, by the way, Cloudy.
- Cloudy: Just make sure to put them back where they belong, please.
- Gaty: In this contest, I am going to ask each of the people up here a series of questions, like in that crime thriller I watched, only worse. As each contestant makes their statement, I want you all to judge how true it seems to be. You press the light green button if you think they're innocent, the yellow-green button if they're probably innocent, the yellow button if you just don't know, the orange button if there's a chance they might be guilty, and the red button if you know for sure that they are. [Beat.] Guilty.
- Basketball: Um, hostess? Maybe you should clarify for people like Bell... who is eliminated.
- Eggy: That's right, Bell's colour-blind!
- Gaty: Well, I've written the names of the colours on each button. For all sixteen Truth Devices. With my foot. While the rest of you were playing in the sand like a bunch of children...
- Pin: [Aside, to Coiny.] It seems that we are supposed to thank her for that.
- Coiny: Nah.
- Saw: Er, G8y? You're ranting again.
- Gaty: [realizing] Oh. Sorry. Anyway, I will now start the interrogations going from left to right, so Clock's first.
Interrogating Clock[]
- Clock: Je ne parlerai jamais! [Subtitles: "I'll never talk!"]
- Gaty: [looking down at the subtitles] You kind of have to, or else I'll have no choice but to call you Snowball's murderer.
- Lightning: [loudly] Yes! Do that!
- Fanny: Shut up, Lightning!
- Clock: It was a joke. Has anybody got a sense of humour here or what?
- Gaty: [breathes in] You're making this hard, but I guess I could start with question 1. What were you doing on the Ides of March?
- Clock: Well, I couldn't sleep because you and Saw were partying the whole night, so I went outside for some peace and quiet.
- Gaty: And what were you doing out there?
- Clock: What I do best: patrol the area for any wrongdoers.
- Needle: [Aside, to Eggy.] You should see the way he holds a baton.
- Gaty: Then surely you must have witnessed the crime in action.
- Clock: No. I heard shouting, so I ran to the front entrance of the hotel. But by the time I got there, Snowball was gone. Dead. Buried. Worm food... or in this case, water-eater food.
- Gaty: Okay. So I'm guessing that you were in the back of the hotel.
- Clock: Yes, I was. Since it was so late at night, I didn't expect see anyone there... except Nickel.
[Nickel looks at him.]
- Gaty: Thanks for the segue, Clock, but we're now going to take a short pause and ask the audience, and Saw: Do you think Clock is guilty? Press your buttons in three... two... one...
[The audience members press their buttons. Black Hole accidentally sucks up his Truth Device.]
- Black Hole: Whoops.
[Suddenly, TV displays on his screen this statistic: "CLOCK IS 5.0% GUILTY."]
- Golf Ball: Good bot. But are they allowed to change their answers?
- Gaty: Nope.
- Golf Ball: This, this makes absolutely no sense! Innocence cannot be determined by percentages, and your opinions should be subject to change when you hear others' testimonies! I demand a recall!
- Gaty: Well sorry, Golf Ball, but I've never had the time to go to law school. Like most of us here, I jumped straight into contestant-ing.
- Saw: Yeah, check your privilege, GB!
- Golf Ball: Ut—
One's doctor office[]
- One: It's a good thing I'm also a counsellor for competition show hosts, as far as you know. So, what seems to be the problem today? Mentally, to be specific.
- Two: I think my contestants hate me! They all have the same look behind those empty black eyes: a look of pure enmity.
- One: You might think that's true, but it's certainly not. At least not entirely.
- Two: Well, I don't mind being a little hated for what I do. Nobody can be 100% likeable. I just wish I could get them to respect my little old self. Especially this feisty little guy, Clock. Oh, I just want to use my powers to crush his stupid holier-than-thou attitude... and him with it!
- One: Oh, you're in good company. We all hate him here. We've even removed all the wall clocks from every room in the building!
- Two: Anyway, you remember how everybody felt about Four, right?
- One: Getting more and more distant with their moving to Earth and all, but yes, I do. What do you think of when you imagine Four?
- Two: I see someone who never cared about what others thought about them. He just kept zapping and killing and yelling and milling and warbling and shrieking and really mistreating until he reached his breaking point.
- One: Ah yes, in the BFB finale.
- Two: Exactly. You know, I'd like to own that feeling! At least until my show's finale, when I "see the light".
- One: Then why don't you try to change your attitude? Instead of feeling sorry for yourself because of the lack of respect you think you're shown, try to assert yourself in the competition, no matter how much your lesser object contestants complain.
- Two: Yes. I could totally do this. Goodbye, Two-shover, hello, two... no, as-two-rt... wait... let's see.. ASSER-TWO-VE!
- One: That's the spirit! And how do you feel about me telling you that?
- Two: It makes me feel... valued, I suppose. Gee, you're pretty biased against objects for a doctor.
- One: Hey, our planet's Hypocrites' Oath doesn't say anything about talking smack about contestants. Be glad that I turned to the health sector instead of show business like you and the Four-igner.
- Two: Indeed. The world needs more people like you.
- One: Oh, I got so absorbed in this conversation that I've forgotten to ask you the question I wanted to ask at the beginning: Why did you come here again?
Gaty's auditorium[]
- Tennis Ball: As I said, he tried to get me to join him in his "war" against the weak, armless losers and girls of the other teams.
- Gaty: And why would he say that?
- Needle: He's Snowball, that's why.
- Tennis Ball: He thinks that just because we're both Germanic people, we must behave like our warlike ancestors from a thousand years ago. And that I'm the only real man on our team besides him.
- Eggy: Well, that's rude.
- Basketball: It's like he doesn't even consider Grassy—may he rest in peace—as one of you guys.
- Golf Ball: Snowball is offensive beyond words!
[Puffball looks at Golf Ball.]
- Puffball: [Aside.] That's a bit like the pot calling the kettle black, isn't it?
- Tennis Ball: I told him that I didn't support anything he said, especially his statements about girls.
- Gaty: Good on you for sticking to your beliefs. Yeah, Snowball is... a piece of work. But is he a piece of work enough for you to kill him?
- Tennis Ball: Of course not. Ever since my, er, hotel incident, I've decided to dedicate my competition experiences to understanding other people's lives so I may, in a spiritual sense, grow.
- Gaty: You're a good guy, Tennis Ball. Looks like you won't have an early death.
- Lightning: DEATH?!
- Gaty: Yes, Lightning, thanks for the enthusiasm. But can you please keep quiet while everyone makes their final choice?
[TV's screen lights up with the words "TENNIS BALL IS 3.3% GUILTY."]
- Gaty: Eh, not a bad number. Lightning, you're up.
Interrogating Lightning[]
[Lightning floats up to be questioned.]
- Lightning: Please spare me, I don't want to be sentenced to death by my fellow zigzags!
- Gaty: Death? Are you talking about dying?
[Lightning nods, scared.]
- Saw: Don't you know, Lightning? When G8y speaks of death, she actually means the many f8s she's faced that are worse than death, like being threatened to be elimin8ed!
- Lightning: But I don't want to be threatened with elimination!
- Saw: And you're not going to be.
- Gaty: Unless it was you who killed Snowball. So tell me, Lightning...
- Lightning: I'm innocent, I tell ye! I didn't do it!
[As Lightning says this, he looks away and makes other tell-tale signs of a lie. Everyone looks at him and immediately presses the buttons on their Truth Devices. TV's screen shows "LIGHTNING IS 0.0% GUILTY."]
- Gaty: Lightning, totally innocent?
[Lightning begins to sweat again.]
- Gaty: Yup, checks out.[1]
- Lightning: I suppose it's because I'm blonde—I mean, yellow.
- Fanny: If I had arms, I'd slap you silly.
- Lightning: Don't blow it, Fanny!
Interrogating Fanny[]
- Gaty: Ah, Fanny, you're next for the third degree... and conveniently the last.
- Fanny: I hate you!
- Gaty: Right, we've got that down.
[Saw looks at her clipboard.]
- Saw: Fifteen times now!
- Gaty: Now, let me ask you the same question I asked everyone else: Where were you on the night of 15 March 1977?
- Fanny: Where was I? Where was I? Lightning and I went outside because he wanted me to take him out for a walk.
- Gaty: And did you notice anything strange out there?
- Fanny: We live in a world where dead people are recovered from the nostrils of a talking number. We live in a world where a cake can grow so big that it becomes a star. We live in a world where Clock can speak German... and you are asking me if I saw anything strange outside on the night of 15 March 1977? Because tell you what, Gaty, there is nothing left on this planet that I consider strange any longer!
[Silence. Gaty stands shocked.]
- Gaty: Please, no backtalk. It makes my job much easier if you'd just co-operate.
- Saw: Wow, G8y, you're really letting the authority get into your head.
- Gaty: [Aside.] I know, I kind of hate it.
- Fanny: I hate you! But... I also hate Snowball.
- Gaty: Interesting.
- Fanny: And I have a good reason for it! His violence against pretty much everybody is completely unacceptable!
- Lightning: Not completely.
- Fanny: Shh!
- Naily: You go, Fanny!
- Price Tag: Say it like it is!
- Gaty: And did this anger possibly manifest itself in you killing Snowball?
- Fanny: What? No! I did not kill Snowball, no matter how many times I'd fancied the idea! You forget that I am a pledged member of Death PACT Again, a team that is specifically against the act of killing. See, I have a card to prove it.
[Fanny shows Gaty her "Official Alliance of Non-Partisan Death Preventers and Their Allies of Any Team (Yes, I Know It's Repetitive)" card from what TV Tropes calls the "Hammerspace".]
- Gaty I see. [reads the card] "Pledged to prevent death, 9 December 1972". [She then takes the card and shows everyone, including the camera.] Certification, everyone.
- Everyone else: Oooooh! Aaaaah!
- Fanny: Give that back!
- Gaty: Here you go. [to everyone] Alright, dear contestants, how innocent do you think Fanny is?
- Coiny: In what way?
- Gaty: In the crime scene. Do you think she killed Snowball? Discuss.
- Fanny: Oh, come on, they get a discussion?
[Everyone starts talking at the same time. Among some of the discussions going on...]
- Tree: Guys, we've got to vote that Fanny's innocent.
- Black Hole: She's pledged.
- Remote: And when you're pledged into OAONPDPATAOATYITIR [pronounced "Owen-to-padado-dee-itter], you do not harm anyone lest you be expelled from the pact.
- Pen: Well, I'm sure glad I'm totally peaceful.
- Tree: I could tell by your refusal to swear.
- Barf Bag: [overhearing] Are you guys seriously voting Fanny innocent?
- Black Hole: Why not? The death prevention card is law, and we've put our trust in our teammates.
- Coiny: Well, I think Fanny was the murderer. You saw how she treated my boy SB.
- Pin: Tsst. "My boy."
- Barf Bag: Only because of the way he treated her. You don't throw people to the ground; it's a slap in the face to a person's character.
- Book: And you can't tell these things from the way people act. That's why I gave Tennis Ball the yellow button... 'cause nice people can snap. I would know, from experience. [looks down]
- Tree: Is this about...
- Book: Yep, it is.
[Gaty tries to clap her feet the way Two does it, but she can't.]
- Gaty: Dang it.
- Saw: Want me to clap for you?
- Gaty: Please?
- Saw: Sure thing, G8— [Everyone quiets down at once.] Well, that was easy, I didn't even need a megaphone!
- Gaty: Okay, everyone, it is now time for you to press your buttons in three... two... one...
[Everyone presses their buttons at the same time. TV's screen shows "FANNY IS 45.0% GUILTY."]
- Fanny: Say whaaaaaaaat?
- Gaty: I'll give you a few minutes to think about what that means for you.
- Fanny: Oh, really? That doesn't seem to be—
- Gaty: [imitating Two] Just kidding! [Aside, to Saw.] I hate this job.
One's doctor office[]
- One: Are you ready to split in half and combine into one again?
- Two: I think you mean, "Combine into Two."
- One: Yes, combine into Two.
- Two: I'm ready!
- One: Okay, have another go. You've already practised this four times with help from me, and now I want to see you do it all by yourself.
- Two: I can do this, Clock!
- One: Oi, those are fighting words.
[Two uses their powers to split in two. Thus appear Industrious One and Lazy One.]
- One: You did it!
- Industrious One: Of course I could do it; splitting into two parts comes naturally to me.
- Lazy One: I'm lazy.
- One: Well, try to put yourself together again.
[Both Industrious One and Lazy One try to combine themselves back into Two, but nothing happens.]
- Industrious One: I can't!
- One: Industrious One, you are industrious, yet steadfast. Lazy One, you are lazy, yet personable.
- Lazy One: I am?
- One: You've got to use your powers together as strongly as possible to make this work! Now, when I count to two, close your eyes.
- Industrious One: Oh, what is this, Behexed?
- One: One, two... close your eyes as hard as you can.
- Industrious One: Gogma-damn-it, you'll just make me sneeze out dead people.
- One: Just do it.
- Lazy One: Can I do it later?
- One: Do it now! Do it! Do it! Do it!
[View of the waiting room, where everyone (including Three Point Five, the secretary, looks confused.]
- One: [from inside] DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!
[Back to One's office.]
- One: Do it!
- Industrious One: [with their eyes closed] I'm doing it!
- Lazy One: And I have convinced myself to do the same.
- One: Do it!
- Industrious One: I said, I'm doing it!
[With a bright flash of light, the two unoriginal Ones, Industrious One and Lazy One, have combined into Two.]
- One: Well?
- Two: Well, what? Well wishes?
- One: How do you feel?
- Two: Thanks, One. I... feel... love!
[Suddenly, an electronic dance theme begins to play and Two appears in a disco outfit, shocking One.]
- One: What?
[Like many people at this time, they have never heard anything like this before. The lights begin to change colour and a large disco ball comes out of the ceiling as Two begins to sing a song that was very popular at the time.]
Vocalist(s): Donna Summer (lip-synced by Two)[2]
Two: ♫ Ooh, it's so good, it's so good, it's so good, it's so good, it's so good...
Ooh, heaven knows, heaven knows, heaven knows, heaven knows, heaven knows...
Ooh, I feel love, I feel love, I feel love, I feel love, I feel love...
I feel lo-o-o-ove! I feel lo-o-o-ove! ♫
[As Two sings, they dance into the waiting room and out of the infirmary on their way back to Earth. Music fade out.]
Post-contest[]
Gaty's auditorium[]
- Gaty: We're coming to the end of our contest. If you remember correctly, the contest was to find out who killed Snowball.
- Remote: That's right.
- Gaty: However, none of these people on stage with me right now have admitted to committing the murder, which is quite suspicious.
- Basketball: Then what should we do now? Is everyone innocent?
- Gaty: No, because there is still a slaughterer and we've got no idea who it is.
- Golf Ball: Why don't we listen to the wisdom of the people? It— it seems that everyone's opinion is important here.
- Puffball: Really, Golf Ball?
- TV: You would agree to a modified form of democracy like that!
- Golf Ball: Um... why not? Everyone... uh... deserves a voice.
[Puffball and TV look at each other.]
- [ Puffball · TV ]: Okay!
- Eraser: So who's the killer?
- Gaty: Well, if we look at the numbers...
[Gaty looks at TV.]
- TV: Oh. Sorry.
[TV shows the statistics with all the "innocence percentages" of the accused contestants in order from highest to lowest: Lightning is declared the most innocent (100%), followed by Nickel, Tennis Ball, Bottle, Yellow Face, Clock, Puffball, Eraser, the rest of The Strongest Team on Earth and Golf Ball. On the bottom of the list is Fanny's name, which lights up in red—not a good thing in TV's Korean culture. Everyone gasps.]
- Gaty: Fanny. You're guilty!
- Fanny: What? That's simply impossible! I hate you, host. And I hate all of you, too!
[Death PACT Again look worried, Lightning most of all.]
- Pin: Do we form an angry mob and hunt her down now?
- Coiny: No, that's the punishment for theft.
- Book: I concur, as I am also a manual for vigilante justice. For this crime, elimination is the best option.
- Gaty: Looks like she's on her way already.
[We see Fanny walking to the hotel building. At first she shows an expression of anger, but it quickly turns to a deep sadness as she walks away from the crowd.]
- Tree: Team, this is awful.
- Remote: One of us got eliminated without getting any votes.
- Black Hole: With Fanny gone, we've got one member less, both in Death PACT Again and OAONPDPATAOATYITIR.
- Pen: I'm terribly sorry for your loss, gang. May her memory be a blessing.
- Tree: [putting his arm around Pen] Yeah.
- Pen: Y'know, I think she liked me.
- Tree: [removing his arm] Are you kidding? She hated you!
- Black Hole: Just like she hates all of us, except for...
[Lightning flies in.]
- Lightning: Hey-yee.
- Black Hole: Hello, Lightning. We thought Fanny would be brutally honest this time, as she always is.
- Remote: But it turns out that she wasn't, and it led to her being eliminated.
- Tree: Yeah, it's a good thing you're innocent, LN.
- Black Hole: Good boy. I'd pat your head if I had arms.
- Lightning: [sees Fanny walking off] Well... I've got something I must say. And I think Gaty ought to hear this as well.
[Enter Gaty.]
- Gaty: Hear what as well?
- Lightning: [breathes in] I killed Snowball.
[Tree and Remote pog. Black Hole does too, but you can't see it.]
- Gaty: What did you do?
- Lightning: I caused Snowball's death. I'm the guilty one you should be after.
- Gaty: Sorry, a little bit louder?
[Gaty gives Lightning a microphone.]
- Lightning: I'M FECKIN' GUILTY!
[Everyone stops in their tracks. Even Fanny.]
- Gaty: O. M. G. This is big news. I'm off to check the rules. Hey, Clock!
[Exit Gaty.]
- Remote: So the murderer was you.
[Lightning nods.]
- Black Hole: Why'd you do it, Lightning?
- Lightning: He wanted a fight with somebody, so I myself went a bit crazy on him. Not... that kind of crazy. I mean the "zapped him until he was a puddle of water and sent him to the underworld" kind of crazy.
- Tree: I'm speechless. I mean, it's Snowball, but still.
- Lightning: I'm really, really, really sorry that I hadn't told you sooner, and I'm even more sorry that I let Fanny take the blame. She shouldn't have to go like this.
- Remote: But it's not your fault. You were just a little late.
- Lightning: You, your team, your club, none of you deserve to have me. I've been a bad bolt.
[He throws his death prevention card on the ground and begins to fly away.]
- Fanny: Pick that card up, I hate littering!
- Lightning: Fanny? [turns around]
- Fanny: What you did out there was irresponsible and selfish... and yet completely noble. I thank you for finally telling the truth (even though it was obvious the whole time). I l—hate you!
- Lightning: You were after saying love.
- Fanny: The hell I was; I meant loathe!
- Lightning: You kidder!
- Tree: Wait a minute here! What do you mean, it was obvious the whole time?
- Lightning: Oh, em... I kind of said some things earlier that might have made people think I was guilty.
- Fanny: The boy is noisy as all hell. You heard him tell me not to blow it before I could talk, he was totally vocal about Clock being charged, and during the whole trial he was sweating like an overflowing test tube!
[Enter Gaty, who has been overhearing everything.]
- Gaty: Not to mention your desire not to be sentenced to death, and the surveillance footage, sheets of cedar, man! I was watching TV earlier and you were clearly zapping Snowball.
- Bottle: I saw Lightning killing Snowball too!
- Yellow Face: I thought they were playing love games, mu-hu-hu!
[Lightning blushes.]
- Puffball: And I saw the whole thing from the top of the tree. Nobody asked for more info, so I said nothing.
- Lightning: I suppose that's poor little unsubtle me. [sigh] So, Black Hole, what's my punishment?
- Black Hole: Well, you told the truth about everything, so that's always a good thing. But, because you had killed someone, you'll be—
- Lightning: Banished?
- Fanny: Let him finish.
- Black Hole: You'll have to wear a hat that says murderer on it. I know that's a well-coveted item, in edgy mainstream circles, but as a death preventer, you should at least pretend to feel ashamed.
- Lightning: Will do, BH.
- Gaty: I guess as Shaking Spear once said, all's well that ends well.
[Enter Saw.]
- Saw: Hey, G8y, I have a question!
- Gaty: Fire away, Saw.
- Saw: Who lost?
- Gaty: Oh. I don't know.
- TV: [shows a spreadsheet with all the "guilty/innocent" votes] The S!.[3]
- Gaty: Okay. Wait, that's us!
Voting screen[]
- Gaty: Vote who you want to send home.
- Saw: Hold on...
- Gaty: Wa-wa-wait, never mind. Vote for the person you think should be saved the most. Like Saw.
- Saw: And G8y! [Saw immediately puts her hand over her mouth.]
- Clock: [off-screen] Voter manipulation? The tick are you two doing?
[Gaty and Saw look at each other.]
- [ Gaty · Saw ]: [annoyed] And Clock.
- Gaty: Better?
- Clock: Unethical, but yes.
- Saw: The person who leaves us will leave the show!
[Roll credits.]
- Saw: You know, I could really go for some apple juice.
- Gaty: Okay, we're out of here. Peace!
- Saw: Bye bye!
Post-credits scenes[]
Outside the hotel[]
- Tennis Ball: Golf Ball, you're here!
- Golf Ball: Shh.
- Tennis Ball: What are you wearing those shades for? You look like a photosensitive nun.
- Golf Ball: [shakes the glasses off] What happened to that nice new lifestyle you adopted?
- Tennis Ball: Oh. That.
- Golf Ball: Listen, TB, I haven't talked to you that much since you switched teams. Now why have you called me down here?
- Tennis Ball: I know I've been a bit distant lately and I regret it deeply. I just wanted to apologize for what I said during the trial, my comment about Snowball's comment about girls.
- Golf Ball: Why? You've made some good points there.
- Tennis Ball: Really? Because whenever I talk all progressive, you say it's weird, annoying and kind of creepy.
- Golf Ball: How is it that we've both grown up under President Rose-on-a-belt, yet our views have diverged so much?
[Tennis Ball nods a little.]
- Golf Ball: Anyway, I also wanted to apologize for that, to you and to everyone else. I have become a pariah in my own team after it became clear that the negative things I've said in the past are affecting my relationships with others. That's why I wear the glasses, so I don't have to look at some Deathagainner hurling fruit in my direction. [Beat.] That did not happen, by the way.
- Tennis Ball: Well, why don't you start being nice? A little kindness goes a long way.
- Golf Ball: Because if I suddenly become too friendly, then I will be seen as insincere.
- Tennis Ball: Then instead of being too friendly, why not be new friendly?
[Just as he says that, "New Friendly" begins to play faintly in the background.]
- Golf Ball: Don't tell me that's what that New Age etiquette book says.
- Tennis Ball: Geeb, it's not that hard. [Pause.] Aren't you coming with?
[Golf Ball stands, surprised at this invitation.]
- Golf Ball: Are you saying that you will lead me? You've never led anything with me, not even our first dance in '37!
- Tennis Ball: Mm, there's a first time for everything. Now to TSTOE's room we shall go!
- Golf Ball: Alright, then.
[They enter the hotel. Camera pan to a little to the left of the building. Huc teleportat Two.]
- Two: [to the viewers] Hullo!
Deleted scenes[]
|
Notes[]
- ↑ There's a reason this episode has this title.
- ↑ Interesting fact: This is the first time a song popular on the radio has played in BFDI. Yep, Jacknjellify finally acquired the rights in 1977. Thanks, fellow fans!
- ↑ This was calculated by taking the average guilty–innocent percentage of each team and comparing it to the end result. Winning are Are You Okay, who were 84.7% accurate, followed by Cold Woe Bunch (81.3%), Death PACT Again (79.2%), Just Not (77.1%) and, in last place, The S! (76.9%).