The Boys' Birthday Party

Story is in Completed Mode! "Wow, spending so much time in this void has actually made me finish!" - Pen This story has officially been over. Go check out this episode's info page for information about music, characters, trivia and more! Also, please know that after 24 hours of this on an episode page, you must only edit it if the placement of words has the same amount of letters in it.

Warning! "Wot'n ale's fozz'r'ye doin'?" - Pencil This page contains profanity, like the sentence above. I have created two ways to censor those words, but I've also discovered that on mobile view, they lie uncensored. So please, show some cognoscience about what you may see. If you do have a problem with profanity, please refer to this page § 3.

"The Boys' Birthday Party" is a new episode of Pencil 2.O, and until recently, there has been neither number nor date associated. In this episode, the boys celebrate their birthday party on their father's birthday and somebody comes back to life

Monday, June 30, 2014

Home

• Qalam-Rassas: Waaaaaaaa!
• Yaretzi: We're so sad!
• Ximena: We miss her already!
• Pencil: Wot's'ee h'a-speakin' of 'ere?
• Ximena: Saye, she's no longer with us!
• Pencil: Aye, she h'is! She's jus' off in Calgary.
• Qalam-Rassas: Why is she in Greenland anyways?
• Pencil: Canader is where she's at, an' Saye's fifteen years old already, and yer father generally paid fer all three pairs o' flights, from Nairobi ter Amsterdam, then from Amsterdam ter Edmonton all the way there jus' so thet she learns 'ow to drive. An' it works acos yer dad's still a Canadian citizen.
• Salvador: She should just walk. Her legs haven't worn off like you, Pencil!
• Pencil: Ah, thet's nice.
• Qalam-Rassas: Wait, Saye's fifteen?
• Pencil: Aye—when we'd got'ee ol' lot, she was only eleven years ol'. Since we got ye h'on the fourteenth February, we decided thet should be h'all o' yer birthdays as well!
• Salvador: That's so unfair!
• Pencil: 'Ow's'e h'unfair?
• Salvador: February 14th is a fu킹 weird day. It's your birthday, all of us's birthdays and it's Valentine's Day. And that's a girl's day.
• Ximena: Hey, shut up! Valentine's Day couldn't be here for us girls without you boys!
• Salvador: Picture this: We have our birthday on the same day as Pen.
• Pencil: Wot? Y'don' like me day?
• Salvador: It's a little too overrated.
• Yaretzi: I feel sympathy for our brother!
• Pencil: Wot? You too?
• Yaretzi: All we get is a backyard party with some of our friends and Dad gets an all-access trip to Monkey Tarlow!
• Pencil: Monte Carlo.
• Salvador: He's balling.
• Pencil: Oi, Chav-o, we shalln' usin' those words jus' l'ep'oqu'or's.
• Zorah: Aww, Issie finally gets to feel envy!
• Yaretzi: Yeah!
• Zorah: You know that's a sin, right?
• Yaretzi: No!

[Enter Pen from upstairs.]

• Pen: Guys, turn on the TV! It's really important!
• Sio: Dad's back!

[A. R. I. Javier rushes downstairs from the boys' room, gets the remote and changes the channel.]

• Citlali: Hey, I was watching that!

Microphone: And that is the end of the new news relay.

Cheesy: Ha! It's funny, because nooonoos.

• Pencil: 'O let them's national corresponders?

Cheesy: And, just in case you missed it, a recent study by the University of Paedagogia in Colorado, or should I say recover-sity...

[He slaps his knee.]

• Citlali: Can we change the channel?
• Pen: This is the good part!

Cheesy: They have produced a machine that can recover individuals who have passed away many years ago through a new form of technology. This machine, called, and not by me, the Life-O-Matic, will be on sale in the United States and American territories tomorrow and throughout the world by Thursday.

• Pen: Did you hear that? We have to get one of these.
• Pencil: Oi, m8, calm down yerself! Y'gots th'excitement of a thirteen-year-ol' boy.
• Sio: I honestly can't speak for that.
• Pencil: Aye, 'n we've fergot to tell'ee: the boys want ter 'ave their birthdays with you h'instead. 'Ow'd ye feel on thet?
• Pen: Does it mean we can't go on holiday to another rich place?
• Zorah: No! If we never went on holiday for our birthdays, neither will you lot.
• Pen: That's fair.
• Pencil: Which means the farthes' we shall be travellin's to the American Quarter should yer father some'ow with me h'approval get 'is way.
• Pen: Come on, Penc, it's my birthday.
• Salvador: It's our birthday!
• Pencil: Alright, we shall go tomorrer after you get 'ome from work.
• Pen: Great!

[He rushes upstairs.]

• Javier: What was that about?
• Pencil: [quietly] Kids, y'knows 'ow yer father feels about reco'rin' people. I think 'e jus' wants 'is mum to come back, an' you h'understand thet 'er death 'as caused fer 'im the mos' pain. So jus' go h'along with'e, please... fer the sanity h'of all of us!

[Javier goes upstairs.]

• Salvador: Where you going?
• Javier: I'm getting ideas for our party! This is better than that unstructured stuff we got last February.
• Qalam-Rassas: Ooh, ha ha!

Tuesday, July 1

Super secret room

• Infosym: Schreiber, you're here! Happy day for your people.
• Pen: Good morning, sir! And thanks.
• Infosym: Your mission today: An individual has been illegally making thousands from distributing films online and it's your job to interrogate him and bring him to the authorities.
• Pen: What kind of films are we talking?
• Infosym: Oddly enough, Indian films of the 1980s.
• Pen: Where would I go?
• Infosym: Just take the URL to Paedagogia, Colorado.
• Pen: Right-o, sir.

A house in Paedagogia

• Bihl: Hello?

[He opens the door.]

• Pen: Hi.
• Bihl: Who are you?
• Pen: I noticed you come from that website for Bollywood movies. Is it okay if I invite myself over?
• Bihl: Are you, like, British?
• Pen: In a way... Let's just make this quick.

Home

• Sio: I thought we were going to get ready when Dad comes back home.
• Pencil: I know, but I'd like to reco'er someone too.
• Ximena: Who?
• Pencil: Me Great-great Uncle Kunihiko.
• Yaretzi: You had a great uncle Kunihiko?
• Pencil: Great-great-uncle, o' me mum from when all things Japanese were popular. 'E was says to be h'an adventurer, but 'is fate come from explorin' th'Amazon. Ne'er knew'e, but it'd be nice ter ask'e some questions.
• Javier: Knowing Father, he'd probably have one the moment we get back.
• Qalam-Rassas: Yeah.

[Enter Pen from upstairs. A. R. I.]

• Pen: Guess who's got the newest... Life-O-Matic?

[He shows that it comes from a package like those at grocery stores.]

• Citlali: No way!
• Qalam-Rassas: It's so cool!
• Ximena: What a coincidence!
• Pencil: Aye, we were jus' goin' to th'American Quarter an' buy one fer me 's well.
• Pen: There's no need! The Life-O-Matic can revive as many people as you want!

[He goes down the stairs quickly, towards the kitchen.]

• Pencil: Me boy, I think I should get'e h'up.
• Sio: I'll go with her. After all, I am the leader of mechaneering in the Inventing Club.

Living room

• Ximena: So Dad, how was work today?
• Pen: Well, I can't say much, but I caught a bad guy, watched a Hindi movie with him, sent him to the police station, had lunch at the police station and bought a Life-O-Matic for only $49.99 in American money.

[His phone rings. He picks it up.]

• Pen: Schreiber calling.
• Infosym: [on the other end] What were you thinking?
• Pen: I'm sorry?
• Infosym: After arresting that criminal, you should have reported back to headquarters. Why did you wander the rest of that college town?
• Pen: I apologise, sir, but... [He steps into the next room] Knowing that I was in American territory, I had to buy the Life-O-Matic.
• Infosym: [jokingly] Why? Is there someone near and dear to you who has died?
• Pen: Mr Infosym, I must inform you, yes. My late mother, who died when I was eight. Suicide, drowned in the Mediterranean.
• Infosym: Oh. I do not say this often, but I am sorry for your loss. I shall correspond with you tomorrow, okay?
• Pen: Okay, sir. [about to hang up, but Sio looks out the door at him] Goodbye.

[He returns to the living room.]

• Javier: So, about the party... Any ideas?
• Citlali: Yeah, you do it exactly the same as when we had our birthday.
• Yaretzi: That's the rule!
• Javier: I guess that's fair.

[Enter Pencil and Sio, who is pulling the Life-O-Matic on wheels.]

• Pencil: 'Ere it is, e'eryone!
• Sio: Our new, As-Seen-On-TV, Life-O-Matic!
• Yaretzi: "Professional driver, closed course."
• Zorah: That's the wrong American commercial.
• Yaretzi: Oh yeah. "Product does not come pre-assembled."
• Sio: Who wants to start?
• Ximena: Me! I want to recover Abacada.
• Javier: But Mona, didn't you just think of her in a dream, and suddenly she was in your class? It must be like some form of déjà-vu or something.
• Ximena: Okay, someone else go first.
• Pencil: I says I should go firs'.
• Pen: You're right.
• Pencil: Really? E'en though 'tis yer birthday tomorra?
• Pen: Yeah! Didn't your great-great uncle never meet you? I'd like to give you two time to talk with each other.
• Pencil: Aw, you're sweet.
• Sio: Want me to type in Great-great Uncle Kunihiko?
• Pencil: I know 'ow ter operate a reco'ry centre, kid.
• Javier: Hold on a second! I think we're forgetting something really important!
• Pencil: Wot's thet?
• Javier: What about that Hand-powered Recovery Centre? You know, that from BFDIA?
• Citlali: Shiと, how could I forget that? I'm a superfan!
• Pencil: Those? Anyone could come out o' those things, as long as thet person's got a reco'ry licence. These people don't.
• Javier: Oh!
• Pencil: Now, 'ow's this thing work?
• Yaretzi: I think you just type in their name and it appears on the screen.
• Pencil: No h'additional apps fer the MePad on this?
• Ximena: It never said so on the online manual.
• Pencil: [to Pen] Kids an' their technologies, 'mirite?
• Pen: Ha.
• Pencil: Kunihiko: Thet's K-U-N-I-H-I-K-O.

[The screen shows words: "Were you looking for: Kunihiko Abe (d. 2007), Kunihiko Kimura (d. 1842), Kunihiko Paraguaçu (d. 1931), Kunihiko Shimizu (d. 1967)?"]

• Sio: That one! It's the only one that's in Brazilian!
• Pencil: 'Ere geht!

[She pushes the third name and steps back. Slowly, the body of Kunihiko appears, from the bottom to the top.]

• Pencil: Uncle Kunihiko?
• Ximena: I don't think he knows English.
• Qalam-Rassas: Tio Kunihiko?

[Pause. Kunihiko freezes in place, and begins to talk. However, his dialogue is so fast and hard to understand, like Dora in BFDIA.]

• Sio: Oh.
• Zorah: Is he supposed to sound like that?
• Pencil: I don' know—It's Portuguese, thet's fer sure, but 'is accent's so h'ol'-fashioned!
• Pen: Not to mention fast!
• Pencil: Luckily, I know the right person to decipher wot thet 'e's a-sayin'.

[One phone call later.]

• Pencil: [calling out the door] Have fun in Brazil!
• Pen: I can't believe your mother's sending him away with her.
• Pencil: It's fer a good cause. E'en though 'e's probably ne'er been in an aeroplane before.
• Pen: And now... D-I-A-N-A, specify year, 1997, because, y'know, how many Dianas died in 1997?

[He winks towards the screen.]

• Pen: Let's see: Diana Gallesi, Diana Loss, Diana Petersburg, Diana Shin, Diana Singrafè—That's her!

[He pushes the button, and her image appears from bottom to top.]

• Pen: M...
• Sio: Mum?

[Pause. She then begins to move.]

• Dia: I... I've been saved? And where am I?
• Pen: Mother?
• Dia: Oh my G-d, my son! If that's what you'd still like to be called. But how grown you've become! You are just as tall as I am!
• Pen: It's so great to have you back... and alive! That recovery centre did you really well.
• Dia: Recovery centre? How could that be possible?
• Pen: It's a long story.
• Dia: Oh, where's Eraser? And your father?
• Pen: They live nearby. Come on, andiamo!
• Dia: But who are those people?
• Pen: Mum, this is my wife, Pencil.
• Pencil: 'Ello.
• Pen: And here are my eight children.

[A. R. I.]

• Dia: Eight children—what a feat. I feel so blessed with all these grandchildren. Now, we walk to my Eraser and my Ari.
• Pen: We shall.

[Exeunt omnes.]

Outside

• Pencil: [to the kids] Oh, look at yer father. 'E mus' be feelin' so many things right now.
• Salvador: Yeah. When you die, will I do the same thing?
• Pencil: Wot'n'ale's got'ee reason ter ask a question like thet, m8? We're insured!
• Citlali: Oh my God, Chavo, you can't just ask people "when they die"!
• Sio: Well look at them!
• Javier: They're talking like old friends I never had!
• Pen: And straight after high school, I made it real far in the Army, Mum, you'd be proud.
• Dia: My boy, a soldier?
• Pen: Whenever we go to the American Quarter, people always say grazie del tuo servizio but they don't realise I've been in Kenya.
• Dia: Kenya?
• Pen: Yeah, Dad moved us here, like, eleven years ago.
• Dia: Really? That's close to Ethiopia, I think.
• Pencil: Oh, 'bout thet, sorry fer the Battle of Adwa...
• Dia: Not a problem, daughter-in-law!
• Pen: Look at that!

[They see Aristotelis's house.]

• Dia: Is this where Eraser lives?
• Pen: He still lives with his father.
• Dia: And he is rich enough to afford a house like that?
• Sio: He actually shares a house with—
• Pen: Oh, Sio!
• Qalam-Rassas: Hello!
• Sio: Yeah, Dad?
• Pen: Can you text your Uncle Eraser and tell him about the thing going on?
• Sio: Sure, want me to mention the fact that Diana is—
• Dia: "Diana", as if! Show some respect!
• Sio: Sorry! Grandma?
• Dia: Grandma? I'm not ready for that. Call me Artemis; that's the name my Ari gives me!
• Pen: I didn't know that.

[Sio goes on his phone.]

• Pencil: I di'n' think I wos supposed to know thet.
• Dia: Unless Pencil, your mother's not alive.
• Pencil: No, she h'is.

[They get closer to the house.]

• Dia: Your father will still recognise me, right?
• Pen: Of course! He'll never throw away anything that you gave him.
• Dia: Aw, that's sweet!
• Yaretzi: Looks like we're here!
• Dia: His house really does blend in with the rest of the neighbourhood.
• Pencil: Y'thinks so?
• Dia: Not!
• Pencil: Ah, yes. Th'essential 1990s slang word.
• Dia: Tripping?
• Pencil: Oh, I wasn'. Sometimes people thinks me t'sound sarcastic jus' acos I'm British er somethin'.
• Salvador: Are you two fighting?
• Pencil: No! There jus' 'appens to be some cultural obligation to not bein' great with one's mo'er'n-law. Nothin' actually bad, I suppose.
• Dia: Should I do the secret knock and scare your brother?
• Pen: You could—wait, secret knock?
• Sio: He did say he would be home. And no one else.
• Dia: A lot can be done from those new-fashioned pagers, eh? Anyway, before I start ranting, I'll knock.

[She knocks on the door—It is some idiosyncratic pattern that only she and Eraser knew from their childhoods.]

• Dia: He'll come down, right?
• Pen: Probably. If he's not smoking.
• Dia: People still smoke? I thought that was out of fashion!
• Pen: Well...

[Eraser opens the door. His mouth drops.]

• Eraser: Mum?
• Dia: My boy! You're alive!
• Eraser: You're alive too!

[He hugs her.]

• Dia: My little boy, all grown up! And still shorter than me!
• Pencil: [rolling her eyes] Thet's the truth...
• Eraser: Pen, you bought the Life-O-Matic already?
• Pen: I had to! I was in America for work!
• Eraser: That's so cool! Dad was going to get it half off when it came to—
• Dia: Dad? Eraser, where's your father?
• Eraser: [speechless] Er...
• Pen: You didn't tell her?
• Eraser: Can I speak to you on the side, bro?
• Pen: Sure thing!

[He pulls him inside to a corner.]

• Eraser: He's on a date, with Match teaching him etiquette.
• Pen: Oh G-d...
• Eraser: Did you tell her that she's been dumped?
• Pen: No! She still thinks they're together! Okay, I want you to do something really wrong.
• Eraser: This better be good.
• Pen: Text Dad and drop her off at the bookstore or something, then send him here.
• Eraser: Okay. I'm sure Kat would understand.

[Pen goes back outside.]

• Pen: That's all taken care of.
• Pencil: Wot's all ta'en care?
• Dia: Pen, I need to head to the washroom and clean my inchiostro. Where's it found here?
• Pen: Straight, take a left and it's the door on the right. It has a TV in it.
• Dia: Che ridicoloso! A washroom is for washing; why use it to watch the TV?
• Pencil: You might like'e, y'know, to catch up on curren' events.
• Dia: I'm down with that. In the big house we go!

Living room

• Zorah: She's been in there for a long time.
• Pen: No, ink-cleaning is a really long process. Especially after seventeen years.
• Eraser: Mum, you okay in there?
• Dia: Yes, I'm just immersing myself! I'll be out in a few.
• Eraser: Immersing? That sounds bad!
• Salvador: Yeah. What's immersing mean again?

[Exit Dia.]

• Dia: I am now culturally prepared for the twenty-first century.
• Pen: That's great, Mum! What've you learned?
• Dia: I now know what "lit" and "fleek" mean, but why are people saying bye to Felicia and damning Daniel?

[There is a knock on the door.]

• Eraser: I wonder who that could be!

[He opens the door; Ari is on the other side.]

• Aristotelis: Hello?

[Dia gets up and leans against the wall.]

• Dia: Remember me, il mio Ercole?

[His eyes light up.]

• Aristotelis: Tin Ártemis mou!

[They hug each other for a few seconds.]

• Aristotelis: You're alive!
• Dia: Ari, you barely look like you haven't aged a day!
• Aristotelis: Neither have you! It's almost like the day—
• Dia: Oh, that day, that day, it was such a while ago. So long ago I had just learned the meaning of "fleek"!
• Aristotelis: Why don't you stay for dinner?
• Dia: Are you sure? This is not my home... until today, I mean. I am allowed to stay here tonight, no?
• Aristotelis: Uh...
• Dia: A man senza amante would be willing to let his wife stay the night. Unless.
• Aristotelis: You can stay! Stay the dinner, stay the night, I'll... find something.
• Dia: Thanks. I knew you'd still be giving.
• Aristotelis: What would you like for dinner?
• Dia: I don't know—Has food changed in seventeen years?
• Aristotelis: In a way. Right now the cool food is quinoa.
• Dia: Well, I was thinking, none of you had my special strascinate in a while.
• Aristotelis: You still know how to make it?
• Dia: Come on, it's not as if I died seventeen years ago... and remembered it! [to others] Come on, everyone, let's eat!
• Aristotelis: Or as she says, manyiamo!
• Dia: [placing a finger to his cheek] It's not how you say it that matters, huh?

Dining hall

• Javier: Wow.
• Sio: I've never had this type of pasta before.
• Ximena: All the other types are creepy.
• Dia: I made it with extra love. Which is good with all of you extra people.
• Salvador: Th- thanks.
• Qalam-Rassas: No, you're supposed to say Grazie!
• Salvador: Hey, just be glad I said it.
• Eraser: Yeah. It beats some of the Soko-bought imports by four hours.
• Dia: Sciocco? What kind of fool did you buy that from?
• Pen: Oh, it's just a Kenyan market kind of thing.

[Awkward silence.]

• Dia: There should be no awkward silence!
• Aristotelis: Agreed, why have I asked none of you to shut up yet?
• Dia: How about some more of the news?
• Pen: Really?
• Eraser: You always hated how distracted we were!
• Dia: Well, the two of you are grown up now. It's always the youth who are too, what are, preoccupati.

[All of the kids are on their phones and tablets.]

• Aristotelis: If you say so.

[He turns on the television. Object Redundancy is playing.]

• Aristotelis: Boy, you had better be mindful that children were coming over.
• Eraser: Sorry, we like it so much!
• Dia: I'll never understand those programmes.
• Pencil: Aye, thet's right—Y'missed the reality show wave o' the 2000s too.

[Ari flips through numerous Greek channels to the same news channel as before.]

Microphone: Haven't you any idea of what the words "On a serious note" mean?

Cheesy: Mean! That must be what you are right now!

[Microphone covers his mouth.]

• Pencil: The kids an' I love this show.
• Javier: Such a collection of satire and talk.

Microphone: On a serious note, scientists have discovered a terrible problem affecting this planet: overpopulation. Over to Test Tube with more information. Test Tube?

Test Tube: Thanks for having me, Mic! Yeah, the effects of a recent life-revitalising machine for people without recovery licences have so far been drastic... hypothetically.

Microphone: Can you please elaborate on that?

Cheesy: Yeah, elaborate, because it took a lot of labour for her to show—

Microphone: Shh!

Test Tube: As every object knows, the world population is consisted of one million objects, an extremely unchanging number. But now that... to be blunt, a bunch of dead people showed up, that number has been too high.

Microphone: And what are the effects of this machine on society?

Test Tube: Bleak. Although Earth is capable of holding more than possibly two hundred billion objects, one can not do so without using up all valuable resources in the world. Even with a population of one million and a thousand, the future of the world seems highly unstable.

Microphone: Thank you, Test Tube, for providing for us.

Cheesy: Next, on In and Around You...

[He points to one of his holes and slaps his knee. Annoyed, Microphone takes his paper and reads the rest.]

Microphone: The ongoing proposal to combine the six East African countries into a federation has been restated to be the end goal of each country, although concerning the autonomous City-State of Nairobi, talks between...

• Pencil: Methinks thet it'll not 'appen.
• Yaretzi: It should happen! For peace and harmony!
• Zorah: Me too. But only if it turns evil.
• Qalam-Rassas: Evil has no room here!
• Pen: Come on, people, this should be a celebration! Your grandmother lives on!
• Aristotelis: I'll go and get the wine!
• Pencil: Aye, you're right, me boy.

[The door opens.]

• Eraser: Who's there?

[He walks over. Enter Match.]

• Match: Omg, that date was amazing!
• Eraser: Match, you're home early! What happened with Kat?
• Match: She's gone to the car. She bought so many, like, books!
• Eraser: Ew, reading.
• Match: Ew, your attitude!

[She looks over.]

• Match: Is there a fancy dinner going on?
• Eraser: Yeah, but it's—
• Match: You're on a fuקינג date right now, eh?
• Eraser: No, but I really think you should—

[Match goes to the dining hall and makes her "best" entrance.]

• Match: Hello people, guess who entered?
• Aristotelis: Match! I didn't know you'd be home early!
• Pencil: Oi m8, I think they di'n' want'ee 'ere!
• Dia: Who are you?
• Match: I am Match Anastasia Achsah Zapałka!
• Aristotelis: That's Eraser's girlfriend. She lives here too.
• Match: I am more than that!
• Eraser: You mean less than that, baby—I have more girlfriends that y'all can count.
• Match: And so do I.
• Dia: Oh, you two are... I suppose it's all right; after all you hear the stories all the time from Paris.

[Match gasps.]

• Match: Omg... Have I seen you before?
• Dia: No. In the world's eyes, I was dead just a few hours ago.
• Match: Wait... You're Ari's ex-wife!
• Dia: [shocked] Ex?
• Aristotelis: [gets up] Ex?
• Citlali: X!
• Javier: His value is seven!
• Aristotelis: There's been a terrible misunderstanding. We assumed you'd be gone, like, forever. That is what we mean by "ex".
• Dia: Nice to stay with your beliefs that marriage suddenly ends when someone dies!
• Qalam-Rassas: She's not dead today, so you can be married again!
• Pen: Yay, all is good now, let's drink!
• Match: Like, that's totally fine. But won't it be awkward if...

[Ari looks at her.]

• Match: If...
• Pencil: If there ain' enough drinks fer e'eryone?
• Pen: Yeah, that!
• Dia: Oh, there will! I wouldn't give any of it to the young people though.
• Sio: Aw, you care for our health and sanity!
• Yaretzi: I enjoy that logic.
• Match: But what about if...

[The door opens and someone carrying a large number of books walks in—Katarzyna.]

• Katarzyna: Honey, I'm home!
• Salvador: OH SNAP!
• Pen: Table manners—
• Salvador: Sorry!
• Pen: Are a recommendation at this point.
• Dia: Eraser, I think one of your girlfriends has entered.
• Eraser: Oh... She isn't mine.
• Javier: Yeah, I'm going to leave now.
• Pencil: Aye, kids, jus' geh if you don' wan' to see this shiトshow.

[None of the others move out of their seats, fixated on the situation. Katarzyna walks in and scans the room.]

• Katarzyna: Hi, Match! Hi, Eraser! Hi, Pencil and family! Hi, Ari!

[She walks over and gives him a kiss on the cheek.] Who are you?

• Dia: Who are you?
• Katarzyna: Hold on... I know exactly who you are! You were in those old pictures I burned!
• Dia: Oh, you are the furnace girl! Thank you working in my new home.
• Katarzyna: Oh, hell no. Nobody tells the queen of this house that she's in a menial position.
• Pen: [to Pencil] I have no idea what to say.
• Pencil: Jus' revert to background character mode like the rest of us.
• Dia: Okay, everything is coming together now. You have taken my Ari from me!
• Katarzyna: No, he came to me because you died!

[In the background, Eraser is filming vertically with his phone.]

• Eraser: VELT SHTERN! VELT SHTERN!

[Back to the scene.]

• Katarzyna: Are you that oblivious that you never even saw the family portrait in the salon?
• Dia: I thought the three of them were posing with a servant, because that's what you look like!
• Katarzyna: You want to fight?
• Dia: No, I have a back problem.
• Katarzyna: [reverting immediately to good] You too? I thought it only affected old people. Like me.
• Dia: Being in Mar Ionio does a lot to your back. Especially with the earthquakes and all that.
• Katarzyna: Nature messed us both up.
• Salvador: COME ON, WE WANT TO SEE ACTION!
• Dia: My real grandchildren are right.
• Katarzyna: Real? You never even met them, and I know all their middle names! Never mind the politeness, it's on!
• Ximena: [pretending to carry a microphone] Who will win Ari's heart, and who will get to go home? And will there be a mix-up at the end?
• Katarzyna: Me, because I'm the only mother who lives here! [realising] Oh, sorry, Ximena Lorenza Schreiber.
• Dia: Aw, Lorenza, just like my old favourite film star.
• Pen: Lorenza Iannini? [Pencil looks at him] It was a tribute.
• Katarzyna: I'm sorry, but you can't be in here! You were said to be a terrible woman.
• Dia: I'm not a terrible person!
• Katarzyna: Eraser! He told me all about you—that you were abusive, you were never home, and worst of all, you loved one of your kids more than the other.
• Dia: None of that was true!
• Katarzyna: Well, Ari and I both bonded because we were apparently leaving the same type of toxic ex, but honestly—
• Dia: Wait a minute, WAIT A MINUTE! Eraser, my own son, spread lies so bad about me?

[Everyone looks at him. Enter Javier, tacit.]

• Pen: Et tu, brother?
• Eraser: It seemed like a good idea at the time—y'know, getting Dad and Kat together so Match could live with us.
• Pen: If it weren't for my vow to pacifism I'd be beating you up right now.
• Dia: [getting up, nearly in tears] I can't believe that I came back to life just to discover that you all betrayed me! [to Eraser] you completely told lies just to completely kill off my memory, [to Ari] You married a complete stronצה of a woman who is one-tenth as beautiful and young as I am... [to Pen] And you made me alive just to see this! And your wife hates me but that's a different story!
• Pencil: In all 'indsight, I don' actually 'ate'ee, it's jus' a societal thi—okay...
• Eraser: People, I have an announcement.
• Match: Shut up, my boyfriend's, like, talking!
• Pencil: None of us were talkin'.
• Eraser: I know it's been seventeen years ago, but... I'm sorry. Really. I shouldn't have said those things to you, Kat, and I shouldn't have been so mean after you died, Mum. If there's anyone who didn't do anything wrong, it's Pen. He's been on your side for the whole eight years he's seen you.
• Dia: I appreciate your care for me, but there is one place that I know hasn't changed after all these years.
• Katarzyna: Oh no, you're moving to Italy because of us? What a shame—I'll get the things you failed to bring with you.
• Dia: No, I'm going to Canada!
• Pen: That's right, you can stay at Aunt Neta's house! She hasn't changed.
• Katarzyna: The quicker you leave, the better!
• Dia: I shall leave, but I shall not return.
• Pen: I should probably follow her and explain how bryng works.

[Exit.]

• Pencil: An' I'll be geh'n acos I'm 'is wife. Bye Match an' all!
• Sio: Me too.
• Javier: Thanks for having us!
• Yaretzi: Bye!
• Citlali: Right behind you!
• Ximena: Don't forget to have that talk, Kat!

[The kids follow Pencil the same way. The four (Ari, Kat, Match and Eraser) look at them, speechless.]

On the street

• Pen: Are you sure you don't want us to help you? Airports have really changed since 1997.
• Dia: I'm good. This has made me think.
• Pen: Let me print out the tickets.

[He goes on his phone and it immediately prints one round-trip ticket.]

• Dia: Is this real?
• Pen: Of course. It's just a phone printer, nothing new.
• Dia: I think right now, you're my favourite child.

[They hug. Enter Pencil and the kids.]

• Pencil: Are we ready to go?
• Dia: I got my ticket and I'm on my way to Canada!

[A bryng car appears.]

• Dia: That must be my car owl. Got to bounce, as they say!
• Pencil: Goodbye!

[A. R. I. of valediction.]

• Pen: [sigh] Just like that, she's gone.
• Pencil: Cheer up, m8! It's yer birthday tomorrow!

Wednesday, July 2

Home

Microphone: This just in. Scientists have fixed the overpopulation problem. It involves sending the smartest people to Mars.

• Pen: Good thing we're all idiots then!

Microphone: All Life-O-Matics have become useless from this point, and will no longer be reviving people, although previously-recovered people will be allowed to live.

[Enter Pencil and the kids, carrying a cake.]

• All: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
• Sio: You're twenty five!
• Salvador: That's, like, a fourth of your life!
• Zorah: Chavo, shut your arse.
• Pen: Aw, thanks! You didn't have to get me food!
• Sio: That's nothing!
• Ximena: Oh, it's something.

[Citlali's phone vibrates.]

• Citlali: Hold on, I think I'm getting something.
• Pencil: You're takin' a call now?
• Citlali: Oh, it's a FaceChat from Saye!

[A. R. I. On the other side, Saye is outside at around 11 at night.]

• Citlali: Hey girl!

[A. R. I. of salutation.]

• Saye: Hey everyone!
• Pencil: Ain' it someone's special day today?
• Saye: Yeah, the people of Canada, it's still the first.
• Pen: That means you can't say those words right now!
• Saye: What w—Oh! Happy birthday! Did you know you're a quarter through your life?
• Pen: Anyway... where are you?
• Ximena: How was your driving test?
• Citlali: Are you on a date?
• Saye: Woah, so many questions! First, I'm at this really popular place here. Second, I totally failed because of a tiny accident but I can just wait for my motorbike licence. Last, I'm not on a date! You'll never guess who I've met!

[Enter Dia with donuts.]

• Dia: Alright, here are donuts for me and for my granddaughter.
• Saye: Grandma Artie! Say hi to your family!

[A. R. I. of salutation.]

• Pen: Wait... Mum? How are you there? And how did you get there so fast?
• Dia: How can I see you?
• Saye: Oh, it's this new video chat thing.
• Dia: Wow! It's almost like they're here!
• Pen: But... how?
• Pencil: Let's jus' say I left open th' ticket website so thet she goes to Calgary h'instead o' Toronto.
• Pen: This was your idea? I'd better call Mum and let her know!
• Pencil: 'Appy birthday, dear.

[She kisses him.]

• Dia: Son, your birthday's tomorrow. It's still the first.
• Saye: They're still in Kenya, where it's July 2nd.
• Dia: What? You never told me this is a time machine! This is so rad!
• Saye: Wait, Grandma Artie—

[She accidentally hangs up and plays on the phone.]

• Pencil: Well, m8, y'got wot you wanted fer yer birthday. A re-test fee fer Saye's drivin' an' yer mother back.
• Pen: Yeah. I guess you're right. Everyone turned out happy, and nobody got hurt!
• Salvador: Needy.

[A hand appears out of nowhere, slapping the screen and ending the episode.]

THE END