State Minds Drink Alike

Unfinished story ahead! "Tonight we have to avoid completion of things, like, y'know ..." - Pen Finishing an article? This story is not finished, and due to the creator's schedule, it may need waiting. I suggest to all you readers that you be patient or make a suggestion with this story.

Warning! "Wot'n ale's fozz'r'ye doin'?" - Pencil This page contains profanity, like the sentence above. I have created two ways to censor those words, but I've also discovered that on mobile view, they lie uncensored. So please, show some cognoscience about what you may see. If you do have a problem with profanity, please refer to this page § 3.

"State Minds Drink Alike" is a new episode of Pencil 2.O, and until recently, there has been neither number nor date associated. In this episode, the family receive a visit from a very important person

Tuesday, November 9, 2012

Headmistress's Office

• Golf Ball: And why have I summoned you today?
• Salvador: I don't know, why don't you tell me?
• Golf Ball: You said a bad word. Those things are not to be spoken about, young man.
• Salvador: Why?
• Golf Ball: I … well … I have summoned your parents about this. They will arrive right—

[Enter Pencil and Pen.]

• Pencil: Oi, wot'd our son do this time?
• Golf Ball: —now.
• Pen: Yeah, what was it that I had to get out of my job for?
• Golf Ball: Ha, like you could ever get a job!
• Pencil: No, I've got the job, an' thet's the one involvin' me callin' me boss a' the floris's. 'E jus' usually says 'e's th' one with the job to fit 'is selfish needs!
• Pen: Selfish needs?
• Golf Ball: HEY! You two know why you're here, right?
• Salvador: Golf Ball says I've been saying bad words!
• Golf Ball: That's Headmistress Golf Ball to you!
• Salvador: What, you say fuㅋ you to a teacher, and suddenly you're in the headmistress's office! What is going on?
• Pencil: Aye, our school justice system's totally fuッケd up.
• Golf Ball: Alright, I have created a schedule for you people, and you are to follow it so that your son does not speak that offending word again!
• Pen: No, you can't tell my family what to do!
• Golf Ball: Yes, I can. It so happens that this paper comes with a surveillance camera on the back.
• Pencil: Oh come on!
• Golf Ball: I will see you at midnight. [she winks] And if you don't comply, your beast of a son will be expelled.
• Pencil: Omg, Salvador, did'ee hear thet?
• Salvador: I'm a beast of a son!
• Pen: Penc, I don't think she's kidding.
• Pencil: Okay, we promise'ee we'll follow the schedule.
• Golf Ball: I don't believe you, but I will give it a try.
• Pen: We've also got a question.
• Golf Ball: What is it?
• Pen: How long do we have to follow this?
• Golf Ball: 'Til I say so. Now GET OUT!

[Exit familia.]

Girls' room

• Saye: I can't believe it!
• Yaretzi: Me neither! Wait, what's going on?
• Saye: It just so happens that the 8th Grade Mavuno Dance is in a week, and I haven't got a date.
• Yaretzi: Why do you need a date?
• Zorah: Isn't it obvious? So she can make the other girls jealous! That's going to be what I'll do when I'm old like Saye.
• Ximena: I'm pretty sure that's not that, and I'm in the second grade.
• Saye: I just really need a guy. Literally all the other people at school have someone! Oh, what's the point, I'll just go to the dance alone, sad, desolate …
• Citlali: Now that's quitter talk! Saye, you're one of the most nicest people I know! I think a guy would be smart to be your boyfriend.
• Yaretzi: Yeah, I suggest that you go to your phone and call every guy in your year! Somebody's going to have to take you by then!
• Saye: Sorry, but I'm not going to take advice from Lower-Division girls. And calling? That's so 1992.

[Exit Saye.]

• Citlali: Huh. I was sure she'd be a lot nicer.
• Ximena: This is why she can't get a date.

[The other girls laugh.]

Stairs

• Saye: [thinking] Ha ... 1992 ... that's so funny! Wait a second ... calling them actually sounds like a good idea! Gotta ask Mum how she feels ... [looking downstairs] Never mind, she's on the phone.
• Pencil: Kesho usiku? ... Hiyo ni nzuri; mimi atakuwa na familia na nyumba kuweka wote kwa ajili yenu. Asante kwa wito! ... Bye!

[she ends the call]

• Pen: Who was that?
• Pencil: Um ... I can't tell'ee.
• Pen: Penc, are you trying to hide something I don't know about? Something Swahili-speaking?
• Pencil: Wot d'ye think, this announcement involves all o' the family!
• Pen: Then if it does ... KIDS, GET DOWN HERE, YOUR MOTHER HAS AN ANNOUNCEMENT!

[The kids run downstairs.]

• Sio: Yeah, Dad?
• Ximena: What's going on?
• Cil: Goo!
• Saye: What's the announcement, mother?
• Citlali: Is this about me?
• Pencil: Well ... sit 'round the dinner table, e'eryone! Thet way I can surely tell'ee with ye 'n captivated an' civilised!
• Javier: Is it dinner? Because that is really important, and without it, we would die.
• Cil: Goo!
• Pencil: Eh ... sure.
• Qalam-Rassas: I'm hungry!
• Pencil: Kids ... tomorrow night, our house's gettin' a visitor.
• Yaretzi: Alright!
• [ Yaretzi · Zorah ]: Who is it?
• Citlali: Can it be the Queen of England? I hear she's also the queen of fashion.
• Pencil: Yer grandpa. 'E's the one comin' to visit.
• Ximena: Yay!
• Citlali: Is he going to bring his limo with him?
• Sio: I've always wanted to ride in a limo!
• Salvador: I've always wanted to trash a limo!
• Pencil: No, not 'im.
• Pen: Wait. If my father's the grandfather not coming here, then who is?
• Pencil: Oi, ye can't know thet it's mine! My dad's th' one; 'e's comin' o'er 'et night.

[Everyone looks at her in shock.]

• Salvador: Your father's the one coming over?
• Sio: Your father, the most formidable Colonel Triangle Triángolo?
• Citlali: The guy who appears in all of our history books?
• Javier: Because it's mandatory under law?
• Pencil: Aye, thet's 'im.
• Pen: Oh, the actual Commander-in-Chief of the Kenyan Army coming here, tomorrow night?
• Saye: I thought he was in some country in the Middle East!
• Pencil: 'E was, but apparently now's 'is downtime so 'es free to come 'ere.
• Pen: Oh, this is horrible! He's going to have great expectations of me again! You know that pressure kills you, eh?
• Pencil: Wot's yer problem? I 'an' seen me father in so long, an' one wrong move'll make'e be ashamed I's e'er 'is daughter.
• Pen: Oh, it's not that bad for you.
• Zorah: Dad, what do you even know about shaming your father?
• Pen: What do you know about shaming your father?
• Zorah: May I start now?
• Salvador: Zorah, unkindly shut up!
• Saye: How about the time when we were at Shōhakoku during that debt thing in Greece?
• Javier: Yeah. Ashamed of your ancestry, you tried to pass yourself as having full Italian blood, and when asked what your favourite Italian food was, you said …
• Pen: Moqueca capixaba.
• Pencil: Thet ain' Italian, it was e'en one o' my mother's famous dishes!
• Pen: Well my mother's been dead for too many years!
• Sio: Tell that to Grandpa, who was standing behind us the whole time.
• Zorah: Hate to break your bubble of the past … wait! No, I don't. But we still have no game plan for tomorrow!
• Pencil: Aye! With no preparation, 'e may ne'er come back again!
• Pen: Tell you what … we do nothing tonight, and we put off until tomorrow, y'know, the day he actually comes here!
• Saye: Ah, I see! It's the teenager method … [everyone looks at her] … Not that I've ever heard of it.
• Salvador: Right …
• Citlali: Mm-hmm.
• Sio: So who wants to know about my crazy day at school?

[A.R.I.]

• Sio: Today, me and my buddies—I mean, my buddies and I saw this guy, like, eating lunch by himself.
• Pencil: Aww, 'ow sad!
• Javier: This is me every day!
• Sio: And when we went up to him, we found out that he only speaks Spanish!
• Pencil: ¡Guay!
• Sio: Then I had an idea … what if we made this device that you could speak into in one language, and sound waves in another language came out?
• Salvador: That sounds like the most boring invention ever!
• Sio: Well, it's not. It actually helped Lego speak English more better!
• Javier: More better?
• Zorah: Even I know that's wrong.
• Ximena: Uh, Mum? I've got a problem.
• Pencil: Aye?
• Ximena: Grandpa's coming over tomorrow night?
• Pencil: Aye, why?
• Ximena: I've got chalumeau lessons at eighteen hours!
• Pencil: Thet's no problem, I'll jus' tell me dad thet I've got nine kids. Just let me confuse'e'n 'o Mona's in the family postcards.
• Citlali: Nobody actually reads those postcards!
• Salvador: Yeah, they're fu킹 worthless!
• Pen: Oh! Chavo, you just reminded me.
• Salvador: Fine, I'll add in two shillings.
• Pen: No, we've got an announcement.
• Yaretzi Another announcement?
• Saye: Is it Holy Week already?
• Sio: What've you got to say now?
• Pencil: We had to go to school today acos yer brother's actin' a bit … 'imself.
• Salvador: Gee, that's reinforcing.
• Pen: And until she says so, Headmistress Golf Ball has made a schedule for us to follow lest Salvador get caught in bad behavior, or else he shall be expelled—
• Salvador: —which means I get the longest school holidays ever!
• Saye: Dad, that's so unfair!
• Pen: What?
• Saye: I'm a teenager, I'm supposed to say that.
• Citlali: Are you really going to follow directions from that dimply old hag?
• Yaretzi: Wow, your disrespect for authority really showed right there!
• Zorah: That's my thing!
• Citlali: I'm sorry, it's just … she Dress Coded my bow because it was the colours of a rivalling school!
• Pen: Neon is not a school colour.
• Pencil: Oh yeah, thet was yer 80s fashion phase!
• Ximena: Well, that phase ending was good for all of us.
• Qalam-Rassas: Is she really going to dispel my brother?
• Salvador: If we don't stick to that schedule she will.
• Javier: And it's expel, not dispel.
• Qalam-Rassas: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
• Pen: Alright, I think it's getting a bit late.
• Pencil: You kids should all get to bed whils' Dad an' I plan 'ow ye lot shall see us tomorrow's changed men … I mean, changed man an' woman!

Boys' room

• Qalam-Rassas: Sio?
• Sio: Yeah?
• Qalam-Rassas: What do Mummy and Daddy mean when they say that they're going to change?
• Sio: They're just changing how they act for us.
• Salvador: Yeah!
• Sio: Hey, just so you know, we're doing this for you. Maybe you should, like, be a little grateful.
• Salvador: What's wrong with big grapefruits?
• Sio: [to QR] He can't hear us … though I think I have a weird feeling.
• Qalam-Rassas: Good night, everyone!

Wednesday, November 10, 2012

School

• Map: Hey, Sio, how'd Sysetta turn out?
• Sharpener: Sysetta? I thought we named it Rostran.
• Sio: I haven't taken it home. I gave it to Lego, though.
• Shieldy: You gave an invention away? For free?
• Sio: Yeah, why? We're friends with him, eh?
• Shieldy: No, the language barrier is too big.
• Map: You're learning Spanish right now!
• Sharpener: Yeah, you shouldn't be so judgmental. [Aside.] It's like a shield problem, I'm telling you!

[Enter Lego.]

• Lego: Hey guys!
• Sio: Hey, Lego! How much English have you learned?
• Lego: A whole bunch, actually! One might say I'm fluent!
• Sharpener: Oh, and you've got an Australian accent with you!
• Lego: Yeah, I do! [to Sio] By the way, you can have Sysetta back.
• Map: Ha! Told you her name isn't Rostran!
• Sio: Thanks, but I don't what to do with it. My mother speaks every language known to … a common group for all of us!
• Lego: Well, you should keep it as a relic of the time you really helped a friend.
• Sio: Okay, I will! I'll go and do that.
• Lego: ¡Adiós!

Home

• Pencil: Clean up yer 'alf o' the room, m8, the social worker's a-comin' to make us suitable.
• Pen: Oh, come on. I'm pretty sure every social worker gave up on us just because they saw our family, eh, Cil?
• Cil: Goo!
• Pencil: Don' blow this jus' yet, me boy, also remember we're a-fightin' to keep our son in school, wot with Bossy Bot's orders.

[There is a knock on the door.]

• Pencil: Oi, they're 'ere! Fake smiles ready?
• Pen: I've read smiling makes you look more attractive. If it's supposed to be fake, my name's not General Pen Dion Schreiber!

[Pencil opens the door. Match is on the other side.]

• Match: Pencil!
• Pencil: Match!
• Pen: Excuse me, Match, but, we're trying to get ready for the social worker to come here.
• Match: What're you talking about? I am the, like, social worker!
• Pencil: Omg, yer the Madam MZ in the paper?
• Match: Duh!
• Pen: I can't believe you'd take a job.
• Match: Well, Ari refuses to, like, pay me anymore.
• Pen: Hmm.
• Pencil: Jus' to be curious, why are'ee workin' this? 'Ave'ee got a date?
• Match: Omg, yeah! One of my sideboys is, like, a time-traveller from, like, 1888, and I, like, learned all of the basics of Victorian etiquette!
• Pencil: So, yer jus' goin' around teachin' others 'ow ter act in a repulsive sexis' society?
• Match: No, it's a gorgeously beautiful society! It's just, we don't get … down much.
• Pen: There's a baby in the room, y'know.
• Cil: Goo!
• Match: Cil, OMG! You're right—Sorry guys, but, like, I've got seven minutes left with you, so I will, like, pack as much information as I can give you.

[Seven minutes later. Pencil and Match are casually talking.]

• Pencil: Omg, I can't believe she thought dark red an' ligh' red would work on'ee!
• Match: I know, like, obviously it doesn't! Do you see why I can't, haven't, like, got my hair dyed in, like, three years?
• Pen: I hate to burst your talking and stuff, but, like, I think your seven minutes are up.
• Match: Omg, you're right! Bye, everyone!
• Pencil: Wait, don' leave yet!
• Match: Huh?
• Pen: Don't you want to save our son?
• Pencil: An' me honour?
• Match: Oh, sorry, but I've got to go. There's a bar mitzvah at, like, Beth Israel and the kid's mum wants me there stat.
• Pen: It's not even shabbat!
• Match: Doesn't have to! Anyways, here's, like, a book of Victorian etiquette I made for you people!
• Pencil: An' this is fer free?
• Match: No. Pay up, fam! Minimum tip is 387 shillings!
• Pencil: Oh. I ain' got no money. Pen, y' got some?
• Pen: Actually, I do. But can we pay, like, not up front?
• Match: Sure! Penc, you'll give me some next time we go to the mall, right?
• Pencil: O' course!
• Match: Shalom!
• [ Pencil · Pen ]: Bye!

[She skips out of the house and closes the door.]

• Pen: Hopefully this book will actually teach us. [he flips through the pages] Cool, uselessly conversational French!
• Pencil: Good thing I'm good at readin' quickly! By the time the kids come 'ome, we'll be ready.

After school

• Qalam-Rassas: Cow. C-O-W!
• Javier: Ah, vocabulary word of the day!
• Qalam-Rassas: Yeah! On Monday, it's going to be how. And I know how to spell it; H-O-W!
• Sio: I guess it's so he doesn't have to think about um-May and ad-Day's ange-chay.
• Javier: Hey, that's Pig Latin! "Mum and Dad's change", right?
• Sio: Well, it was.
• Javier: Hey, where's Salvador?
• Sio: Oh, he's playing BUATA baseball.
• Citlali: I thought they got that game banned years ago! Y'know it stands for "Boys Under Aged Two Attack" baseball.
• Sio: I thought it was "Beat Up and Then Apologise" baseball.
• Yaretzi: Saye! I've got an important question!
• Saye: No, I di'n'.
• Javier: Wow, how did you know what she was going to say?
• Citlali: Wouldn't you like to know?
• Saye: We call it magic sister powers.
• Zorah: Ha! That sounds so wrong!
• Saye: I was too nervous to tell anyone.
• Zorah: That's horrible! From this point I am no longer your sister.
• Saye: Omg, you're so dramatic.
• Zorah: Saye, we're Schreibers! If we want something, we go for it.
• Yaretzi: But do it nicely.
• Ximena: Yeah, not like Mum and Dad did.
• Saye: You know what? Tonight, I will call every boy in school and if they say no, they won't remember in time for Remembrance Day!
• Zorah: That's more like it!
• Sio: Can't do that. Grandpa's coming over for dinner.
• Saye: Tonight already?
• Zorah: Oh no, that means I have to be nice for two hours!
• Ximena: It's worse for me! I have to pretend I'm not your sister!
• Qalam-Rassas: And that means Mummy and Daddy are going to change! Nooooooooooooo!

[They get to the door.]

• Saye: Well, let's hope for the best.
• Ximena: Or the worst.

[Saye opens the door with her eyes closed.]

• Saye: DON'T KILL US!
• Citlali: Omg, Saye, relax! Nobody's home!
• Qalam-Rassas: This is weird. Someone get me out of here!
• Yaretzi: Yeah, everything's become so fancy … I like it!
• Javier: I'd be glad to!
• Qalam-Rassas: Mean!
• Yaretzi: Whoa, check what's on the whiteboard!
• Ximena: We have a whiteboard?
• Sio: I don't think we've ever used it before.
• Qalam-Rassas: What's it say? I can't see "how" or "cow" there!
• Saye: It says: "In accordance to your grandfather's visit, the parents of this family shall decree that our children tidy their rooms lest we appear badly before him." Wow. Fancy!
• Qalam-Rassas: No!
• Ximena: Clean up our rooms? We can do that!
• Sio: Race you upstairs!

[The boys race upstairs, and the girls go to their room.]

Outside

• Pen: Ready to put on a show for everyone?
• Pencil: I don' know. This dress's awfully tight.
• Pen: That's how men liked them in 1888.
• Pencil: You wan' me to walk so all the time, fuッキng wot, m8?
• Pen: Hey, I said 1888, not 2012! And you probably shouldn't be swearing out here; the walls aren't exactly the permeable type.
• Pencil: [sigh] Ready, my French fop?
• Pen: Trois … deux … un !

[Pen opens the door for Pencil, in the way a Victorian gentleman would do.]

• Pencil: My dear, the fog in the capital's streets were as comparable to the pit of Hades!
• Pen: Then it shall please you that I had come to carry you off the streets to save the bottom half of you!
• Pencil: I dare beg the question, though … where are our children? And where is our maid? O Camelia!

[Saye peers out from the door.]

• Citlali: What do they look like?
• Saye: Omg, horrible! They look like Vanity's quinceañera dresses last week, except, y'know … it fits them!
• Yaretzi: I don't know what that is, but it sounds really fancy.
• Ximena: Will they still take me to chalumeau class tonight?
• Zorah: Why don't you ask them.
• Ximena: Omg, I will!
• Yaretzi: We're going to miss you—
• Zorah: Not!

[She goes out in the open.]

• Pencil: My, what a lovely child!
• Pen: Simone-Ancoula, we congratulate thee for being the first child to appear before our very humble eyes.
• Ximena: Why are you talking all funny? And am I going to chalumeau class tonight?
• Pen: Why, thou mustn't! We have got a visitor coming at this very night, and thou and the others shall be in charge of setting the table.
• Ximena: I thought we weren't supposed to sit on tables, because it leaves lead marks!

[Enter Citlali.]

• Citlali: No, no, no! She means set tables, which is what most normal families do.
• Pencil: Bless my heart, Cassandra, we are a normal family coming straight out of 1888 London, that's for the truth.
• Citlali: Omg, I've always wanted a proper family! I've been learning all the mannerisms and stuff! HEY BOYS, GET YOUR BUTTS DOWN HERE! THEY'RE NOT EVIL!

[Citlali goes up.]

• Ximena: More like still learning.
• Pencil: Goodness me, it's quite not alright to speak of other people when not in their presence, especially your own younger sister.

[Enter Yaretzi, Zorah and Saye.]

• Zorah: Oh—
• Yaretzi: My—
• Pen: My daughter, we are Jewish and His name is forbidden to be spoken.
• Saye: Eh, I was going to say "gosh" anyway.
• Zorah: Wait, we are Jewish? Told you, Yarisis!
• Yaretzi: But … aren't we Christian?

[Enter Citlali and the boys.]

• Sio: Oh—
• Qalam-Rassas: MY—
• Javier: What, you've never heard of Victorian roleplay before? When I need to use the washroom at night, I sometimes hear—
• Pencil: We shall not speak upon those matters now!
• Pen: Dearest wife, remember that it be not proper to raise your voice in the presence of children.
• Pencil: Oh, I sincerely apologise.
• Sio: What is this?
• Citlali: These are our parents, y'know, the ones who raised us.
• Qalam-Rassas: I don't like this one bit!

[He runs to the room, crying.]

• Pen: I shall fain take this.
• Pencil: And I shall fain come.

[Exit Pencil and Pen.]

• Citlali: Quick, what does fain mean?
• Javier: With pleasure!

[Awkward silence.]

• Citlali: No, I mean what does it mean?
• Javier: With pleasure.
• Citlali: Ugh, never mind.
• Saye: Omg! I think Mum's dress has money coming out of it!
• Sio: Seriously?
• Saye: When I go to school, I'm going to say this: "Oh, boys! Free money!"

[She takes it.]

Boys' room

• Qalam-Rassas: Ah! Go away!
• Pencil: QR, we've got a talk.
• Qalam-Rassas: But you're just going to be mean to me!
• Pen: We won't!
• Qalam-Rassas: Then why are you doing this? I want my old Mummy and Daddy back!

[Pencil and Pen look at each other.]

• Pen: Oh, QR, y'know we wouldn't want to hurt you.
• Qalam-Rassas: No?
• Pencil: We're jus' a-doin' this fer yer other brothers an' sisters, 'o can't, like, change.
• Qalam-Rassas: Why? Is it because Grandpa's coming over?
• Pen: That's exactly why.
• Pencil: We've got to show th' others thet if y'wan' to make Grandper 'appy, we'd bes' ter ac' like the fancy ones thet Grandpa wants to see h'us to be.
• Pen: Oh, he'll never get it that way!
• Pencil: Wot, you've got a better peptalk?
• Qalam-Rassas: Now that's the Mum and Dad I want to see! I'm going to tell the others!
• Pencil: 'Old on!
• Pen: I'm sorry to say this—
• Pencil: —an' thet's acos yer Canadian.
• Pen: —but we can't change ourselves back until you unfancy-ised kids learn how to be fancy.
• Qalam-Rassas: Got it. Wait! Why are you always talking so quiet now?
• Pencil: So th' others can't 'ear thet yer dad called 'em unfancy-ised.
• Qalam-Rassas: Aww, I'll write that down with myself!

[He is about to go downstairs when he sees the kids in the doorway.]

• Qalam-Rassas: Hey, unfancy-ised kids!

[A.R.I.]

• Citlali: [with the other kids, going down] Guys, did you just hear what Mum and Dad said?
• Ximena: I couldn't once Saye started texting her friends!
• Saye: Got to tell them my boy-getting plan! … Wait a second … boy-getting? That sounds so dumb!
• Citlali: Alright, people, we are going to get fancy in here if we want Mum and Dad to be normal again! And do we want that?
• Kids: Yes!
• Citlali: Then we've got to work hard to become fancy!
• Saye: Why do you get to tell people what to do?
• Citlali: Because I'm, like, literally the only classy one here.
• Saye: I can be fancy, if I want! But not now.
• Qalam-Rassas: Come on, I want Mummy and Daddy back!
• Saye: Well, you lot are going to have to figure this out yourselves. I've got to keep up with the Cards.

[She goes to her room, indignantly.]

• Citlali: Okay, Mona, your first job is to set the table.
• Ximena: What?
• Citlali: Y'know, figure out where the cutlery goes.
• Ximena: Lallie, help! Your mouth isn't making sounds I understand! Wait, you know what?

[She dumps all of the plates, forks, spoons and knives to the centre of the table.]

• Ximena: That's much better!
• Citlali: This is going to be harder than I thought.

Upstairs

• Pencil: We are good people.
• Pen: True that.
• Pencil: Oi, m8, turn th' other way when yer watchin' the telly, I wan' to see yer face.
• Pen: What? I'm just taking a nap, y'know, before the kids actually get fancy.

[There is a knock on the door.]

• Yaretzi: Mummy, Daddy, are you talking normally?
• Pencil: In all obviousness we are not! That is simply the auditory products originating from the television machine!
• Pen: Aye, my third-born daughter, the members of our generation find it fascinating that an invention by [checks his phone] Philo T. Farnsworth can produce the most intriguing of contemporary theatre!
• Yaretzi: Okay!

[She gets off the stool against the door. Some of the other kids are watching intently.]

• Zorah: They're not changing, are they?
• Yaretzi: No.
• Zorah: Well, if they want fancy, we'll give them fancy.

[She makes the OK sign.]

• Javier: You know in some countries, that is an offensive gesture.
• Zorah: MUM, DAD, WE'RE ALREADY FANCY!
• Pencil: 'S this true?
• Yaretzi: No—
• Zorah: Yeah!

[Pencil opens the door.]

• Pencil: In thet case, I shall no longer be primarily yer mother, but yer politeness examiner. An' so, firs' question. Wot do you do when someone outside rings the door bell?
• Zorah: Yell at them, "Go away!"
• Yaretzi: Use money to bribe them.
• Javier: Hide and hope that they are safe.
• Pencil: Second question: 'Ow do you properly address a stranger?
• Zorah: "Boy".
• Yaretzi: Or "girl"! Not everyone can be a male!
• Javier: By their Latin name. And if they don't have one, "uncivilised barbarian".
• Pencil: Finally, wot's the firs' thing to do before eatin'?
• Yaretzi, Zorah & Javier: Dig in!
• Javier: At once!
• Pencil: [sigh] NEW PLAN, EVERYONE!

[Everyone listens.]

• Pencil: 'Ow 'bout e'eryone jus' stays quiet th' entire time yer grandpar is 'ere.

[Everyone starts to complain.]

• Sio: What if Grandpa asks us something?
• Qalam-Rassas: And can we still say hello?
• Pencil: A'ight, 'ow fer you only speak when spoken ter er when yer dad an' I says it'll be good, INNIT, SIR?
• Pen: Yeah … totally.

Later

• Pencil: Karibu, kuheshiwa mgeni!
• Ximena: What the heck does that mean?
• Qalam-Rassas: It obviously means "Welcome, honoured guest" in Swahili.
• Citlali: Omg, QR, you're so mother-y!
• Pencil: Now you try sayin'e!

[A.R.I. They fail to pronounce it properly.]

• Pencil: New plan! 'Ow 'bout I place this sign on the door, an' when 'e comes—

[The doorbell rings.]

• Pencil: SHIと

[It opens inevitably, and the person on the other side is Salvador.]

• Salvador: I get out of baseball for this hell of a show? QR, why are you wearing a dress?
• Pencil: Thet is one o' the dresses you'll wear once Grandpa comes 'ere.
• Javier: Ooooooo…
• Salvador: A dress? Why?
• Pen: [who has been lying on the couch] It's the deranged belief from the past when young boys would wear dressed until they were ready to be "unbreeched".
• Salvador: But—
• Pen: Don't worry, just deal with it to make your mother happy.
• Salvador: Fine, I'll do it.
• Sio: Why can't I just use Sysetta, y'know, my translation machine?
• Pencil: Oh, h'absolutely not. E'erythin' mus' be natural.
• Sio: Oh, come on!

[Later, all of the kids have been dressed formally.]

• Pen: Just another thing: While your mother taught you how to walk the walk, let's see if you can talk the talk.
• Sio: Dad, we've been prepared for any question you throw at us.
• Pen: Alright, how is your school?
• Sio: Still very international, but academically we still succeed—
• Qalam-Rassas: Because we're Kenyan!
• Pen: What do you think of the current administration?
• Ximena: Our government has no problems!
• Saye: There is nothing you can do to fix anything!
• Pen: What, anything?
• Citlali: Yes, anything, sir!
• Pen: I think you are ready.

[There is a knock on the door, and everyone gets in position.]

• Pencil: Three, two, one, action!

[Pencil opens the door, and Triangle is on the other end.]

• Kids: Karibu, kuheshiwa mgeni!

[All salute him.]

• Triangle: Bless my heart, what a lovely introduction by the native people!
• Pencil: [stiffly] Good evening, father, and welcome to our wonderful home.
• Triangle: Oh, my daughter, whatever happened to that accent of yours? Take pride in being a Britoness, do!
• Pencil: I am unsure on whether I shall follow your jests and pranks, father.
• Triangle: Oh no, this isn't a— [sees Pen] Ah, the young general is here! I've fain forgot that he is your husband!
• Citlali: Fain.
• Pen: Good evening and I hope you find our delectables and tea of highest excellence, sir!
• Triangle: Why, it is I who should be saluting you, and that conjecture lies upon two factors. First, I am a colonel ranks below you, and second, you're a Westerner!

[He starts to laugh. The rest of the family awkwardly laugh quietly.]

• Pencil: Why don't the girls and I help set up for dinner, that being a woman's natural role in the world, as you say.
• Triangle: Oh, please refrain from such ridiculous. When I was in London, I've observed more women participating in the workforce! You also know that there are female soldiers in their army, why, the gender roles over the continent are so different there!
• Pencil: That is true and interesting, but I know your game very well, and this time you mustn't let me go on.
• Triangle: Hopefully the men have less dissent to say, eh, Pen Jr.? And how is school for you?
• Sio: Still very international, but we succeed—
• Qalam-Rassas: Because we're Kenyan!
• Pen: Q.R., my son, it isn't polite to interject until after the speaker is done from his talk—
• Triangle: What's the matter, General? If your son, your junior, wishes to be interrupted, then so be it, is that correct?
• Sio: Actually, grandfather, I've never considered myself a junior. Father and I have differing middle names.
• Triangle: Very well, then. GIRLS, I FEEL LIKE IT'S TIME TO EAT DINNER!

[Pencil and her daughters at once come to their seats at the table.]

• Yaretzi: I thought it was impolite to raise one's voice.
• Citlali: It's more impolite to lower your voice at a time like this! They never gossipped in polite society!
• Pencil: Javier, wouldn't you care to join us for dinner?
• Javier: Oh, sorry, I was watching an intriguing documentary on the Mau Mau uprising.
• Triangle: I have so many words on that terrible rebellion; we all know they wanted to bring your country back to the old days.
• Pencil: That is strange! You've always supported the rebels.
• Triangle: True, but I now realise that we, the British and Goiky forces, were very justifiable in their invasion.
• Pencil: The food is out; its our traditional Kenyan spiced coconut rice. My husband does not like that name; it is because the word Nazi is in it.
• Citlali: Thank you, mother, for the food!
• Salvador: May we eat now?
• Pencil: Why, of course not! Believing in a pluralistic society of Christianity and Islam, your grandfather has always honoured and thanked Mungu and Mwenyezi Allah for our meal, and I instruct you to do the same.
• Triangle: Oh no, it's very well okay. In London, appropriate measures are made to make sure all references are classical-related, and thus, I have a song to sing.
• Pencil: Oh!
• Triangle: This is an ode to the Greeks, the fine nation.
• Pen: A very fine nation indeed, Colonel.
• Triangle: Shall I start?

[A.R.I.]

An Ode to the "Greeks"
Vocalist(s): Triangle

♫ Orto sole, ab hostibus ad vallum accessum.
Ante secundam horam, nullam fortunam certaminis experti, tradiderunt arma ac se ipsos.
Cum in acie stare pugnare decuerat, in castra refugerunt.
Cum pro vallo pugnandum erat, castra tradiderunt.
Neque in acie neque in castris utiles.
Et vos redimamus?

Orto sole, ab hostibus ad vallum accessum.
Ante secondum horam, nulam fortunam certaminis experti, tradiderunt arma ac se ipsos.
Cum in acie stare ac pugnare decuerat, in castra refugerunt.
Cum pro vallo pugnandum erat, castra tradiderunt.
Neque in acie neque in castris utiles.
Et vos redimamus?

Cum erumpere e castris oportet, cunctamini ac manetis.
Cum manere et castra tutari armis necesse est, et castris et arma et vos ipsos traditis hosti.
Ego non magis istos redimendos, patres conscripti.
Censeo quam illos dedendos Hannibal qui per medios hostes e castris eruperunt ac per summam virtutem se patriae restituerunt.

Cum erumpere e castris oportet, cunctamini ac manetis.
Cum manere et castra tutari armis necesse est, et castris et arma et vos ipsos traditis hosti.
Ego non magis istos redimendos, patres conscripti.
Censeo quam illos dedendos Hannibal qui per medios hostes e castris eruperunt ac per summam virtutem se patriae restituerunt. ♫

[The song ends, end what fallows is complete silence; nobody has ever heard Triangle sing before.]

• Pen: Colonel, the language that you used was Latin, not Greek.
• Triangle: Latin, Greek, all the same.
• Pencil: Dear, any sign of anger, no matter how subtle, is strongly not recommended. [Citlali nods with her]
• Triangle: Oh, no, it's okay. Have negative feelings towards me; the Britons do not save face as much as those people in Kenya do.
• Pen: All of a sudden, I don't feel as angry anymore.
• Triangle: Now, if you should excuse me, I shall head over to the washroom and try not to rust.

[Exit Triangle. At once the family change.]

• Saye: What's going on? Why can't we just act normal?
• Pencil: Thet's wot 'e wants us to do! 'E's basically, like, a-temptin' us from actin' informal jus' so 'e can snap back at us.
• Sio: Yeah, he called me Pen Jr.! Do I look like a junior version of Dad?
• Everyone else: Well …

[The doorbell rings.]

• Pencil: OI, I'M A-COMIN'! I mean, I'll be right o'er, do wait please?

[She opens the door. Narlé is on the other side.]

• Narlé: Good evening.
• Pencil: I don' care if yer one o' me husband's secret admirers, but were a-kin' o' h'in the mi'le of a family dinner. Please leave.
• Narlé: Husband's admirers? I just came for Ximena's chalumeau lessons.
• Ximena: Madame Narlé, bonsoir!
• Narlé: Bonsoir, mademoiselle !

[Pencil sees Ximena.]

• Pencil: Why's she 'ere?
• Ximena: Well, the process is very hard to explain.

[Flashback to the night before.]

• Ximena: [on the phone] I can't make it to lessons tomorrow. … Can you came to my house instead? … I live at … Oh, you do? Where? … That's right! Can you bring your chalumeau with you too? … All right! And don't forget, you have to be here.
• Pencil: Mona, 'o'r'ee talkin'a?
• Ximena: Got to go, Madame N.

[She hangs up.]

• Sio: That's why I felt that feeling that nobody said goodbye last night!
• Pencil: I'm so sorry, ma'am. Tonight's a special dinner, where me father (the president)'s arrived 'ere. Kind o' h'a big deal around the bouts 'ere, eh?
• Narlé: I do suppose, but I was ordered that I must be here, madame.
• Pencil: Someone do somethin'!
• Citlali: Oh, I'll do something alright!

[She opens up the closet door.]

• Sio: What the—
• Citlali: May you please get in this door?
• Narlé: Okay! Are we having the lessons for the chalumeau inside this closet?
• Ximena: I guess we can do it!
• Citlali: No, absolutely not! It is rude to make uncalled-for noises and to suddenly leave the table without a good reason.
• Ximena: This is a good—
• Citlali: You're going in that closet by youself, lady.
• Narlé: I did not go to the Conservatoire national supérieur de chalumeauisme to hide in a closet.
• Citlali: There's food supply for twelve, a light, and the best Wi-Fi spot in the house!
• Sio: Thanks to me.
• Pencil: Aye, it's like er 'ome you live in … except you can't come out.
• Narlé: Okay, but I must be out in an hour.
• Pencil: We'll make plans to set'ee free withou' me dad noticin', promises! But in the meantime, jus' stay there an' shut up.
• Narlé: [going into the closet] Cette famille est étrange.
• Pencil: J'ai entendu cela !

[Enter Pen.]

• Pen: Did I just hear a woman's voice?
• Pencil: Aye, 'twas Ximena's chalumeau teacher. Lallie locked'er in the closet.
• Qalam-Rassas: Where were you?
• Pen: I was just practising my lines just in case Grandpa makes me talk to him again.
• Javier: Lines? This has got way out of hand!
• Zorah: Yeah, why can't we just act like a regular family?
• Citlali: Because that's what Grandpa wants! Or … doesn't want. He wants us to act all wild, like he says.
• Saye: And when we do that, can you imagine how angry he's going to be?
• Yaretzi: Is anyone else concerned that we locked up a woman we don't even know into our closet?
• Ximena: She's not a "woman we don't even know"!
• Pen: Yeah, that's Madame Narlé!
• Pencil: Seriously, m8? Oi, stop makin' me h'out o' the loop!

[Enter Triangle. At once, the family are reset to their original position.]

• Triangle: Goodness, I wash up for Saturn-knows-how-long and this kitchen is in a condition too spotful for the metadipnal chat?
• Pencil: Oi, I forgot the metadipnal chats! Father, we do apologise in the utmost sincerity, and the women of the house shall tidy up the manducary quarters, as is wont to do for the female gender.
• Triangle: Stop speaking, I beg of you. Compared to the sanitary conditions of my homeland, this is immaculate! Do no more.
• Pencil: I insist upon cleaning!
• Saye: And I insist upon following!

[Citlali elbows her, who has forgot not to speak.]

• Pen: Oh, simply goodness!
• Pencil: Yes, sir?
• Pen: I did forgot one simple rule of dining etiquette: during metadipnals, no children must be present, for this is a time of, thus saith the Greek, syzetesis enelicon.
• Qalam-Rassas: That means "grown up talk".
• Pencil: That is right, all children retreat into their own rooms, or the guest one ere your granfather sleep in it!
• Pen: Penc, I'm pretty sure you're using "ere" wrong.
• Pencil: Thus saith the Greek!

[The kids parade into the guest room.]

• Salvador: SWEET JAYSUS, HALLELUJAH!
• Yaretzi: I thought we were Jewish.

[They close the door.]

• Triangle: I must say, your family is …
• Pencil: Alrigh', Dad, y' can cut th' act.
• Pen: Yeah!
• Pencil: Face'e, yer plan's effective an' all, but we know it's a trick!
• Pen: Yeah!
• Triangle: It isn't a trick.
• Pen: Yeah!
• Pencil: Will ye stop sayin' "yeah"?
• Triangle: I shall repeat myself; this is not a trick. I feel as if I have become a changed man!
• Pencil: Really, then?

[Triangle nods. Awkward silence follows.]

• Pen: So, how long have you two known each other?
• Pencil: 'Ow old do'ee think I am, m8?
• Triangle: By Jove, you two make such an exemplary couple!
• Pen: You really think so?