"Not Sco Much Viller" is a new episode of Pencil 2.O, and until recently, there has been neither number nor date associated. In this episode, Pencil and the rest of the family experience many changes to their lives
- Saye: Omg, Shelly, I have great news!
- Shelly: [on the other line] Oh my gosh, Sayé-chan, there are so many possibilities of what you might say as being part of the great news! Like, did my nail files come in yet? I mean, I think that it's weird that I have nail files considering that I have no nails in the first place …
- Saye: Nope!
- Shelly: How about the fact that that cute guy in my Algebra 1 class?
- Saye: What?
- Shelly: Well, I saw him at the mall shopping at that Bulgarian football shop and I actually shipped myself with him so hard. I mean, sure he hates me for being three shades too blue for his colour-blindness, but I totally freaked out! Okay, I'm done talking now. So, what's going on, Scheißmeister?
- Saye: First of all, you know I don't like being called that! I asked my mum what it meant, and she told me that it meant master of … well, that stuff my mum's stalker got explained to in Inanimate Insanity. It's so hurtful, though, she called me a guy!
- Shelly: Sorry …
- Saye: Oh my gosh! I totally have the news now!
- Shelly: You do?
- Saye: Yeah!
[Zorah's image comes on the screen as a separate line.]
- Zorah: Daddy's a girl!
- Shelly: Zorah? I- is that you?
- Zorah: Yes. Yes it is.
- Saye: Wait, how have you intercepted this conversation? It's a cell phone chat, one on one.
- Shelly: Yeah, I've checked the calendar and nowhere in the year are the numbers 199.
- Zorah: Not!
[She laughs. Saye looks behind her, and Zorah is on the other phone. Her laughter dies out slowly.]
- Saye: Anyways … I just wanted to let that out to you because it's honestly, like, news that impacted our family so much. Please don't tell anyone about this, yeah?
- Shelly: Okay, thanks Penc-penc!
- Saye: You're w— Wait, that's my mother.
- Shelly: Sorry, Ms Penc-penc … Hello?
The next morningEdit
- Sio: [to Saye] You are under violation!
- Saye: Of what? Touching something that doesn't exist?
- Sio: Of not saying "good bye" after your calls.
- Javier: [with his face up to the computer] I can't believe this!
- Saye: I can't believe that I'm being chastised by my brother two years my junior! Mum, may I be excused?
- Pencil: Sure thing.
- Citlali: Ooh, Saye, do you have a boyfriend?
- Saye: No, do you?
[She sits back down.]
- Qalam-Rassas: If Saye gets a boyfriend, can I be the person who … who will say "Now kiss"?
- Saye: [going upstairs] Aye, thet would be nice. Gotta go!
- Sio: What's going on, Avi? You're really interested with whatever you're looking at.
- Salvador: So is Pen!
[Pen has his face really close to his newspaper.]
- Cil: Goo!
- Javier: I'm not interested with my computer, I'm interested with what's on the computer!
- Zorah: This isn't going to end well.
- Yaretzi: What's going on, Avi?
- Salvador: Yeah, I want to know. Actually, no, I was just kidding. Don't tell me anything else, Prudence.
- Javier: Did you know that the chemical capsaicin has the highest number on the Scoville scale? 16 million.
- Sio: I did not know that.
- Citlali: Wait, what does that mean?
- Javier: Basically, the Scoville scale is a scale to measure how spicy certain foods are.
- Sio: Y'know, one time I ate one of those jalapeños at that market on Guatemala Street.
- Ximena: Oh yeah! Your mouth was on fire for so long, I thought you needed an exorcism.
- Salvador: Honestly, it was one of the funniest moments of my life.
- Javier: It says here that the jalapeño's Scoville units are about 3,000.
- Citlali: And that Caspian thing is, like, 16 million?
- Salvador: Bro, you can kill someone with that!
- Pencil: 'Old'e. No one's killin' anyone. [she rolls her eyes] I jus' know yer not real kids.
- Citlali: For the last time, do not call me "bro", Sal! I'm your gosh-darn sis … ter.
- Salvador: Don't call me Sal, Oddish!
- Citlali: Don't call me Oddish, or I'll make you recite your own Kaddish!
- Javier: Hey, I recognise an obscure Pokémon reference when I hear it!
- Yaretzi: No, that's obviously a reference to Squirrel Meets World, am I right?
- Pencil: Thet's enough! Now, I really need'ee to get out o' this place fer school, acos Dad an' I've got to get things done, okay?
- Citlali: Sorry, mum.
- Yaretzi: See you after school!
- Saye: Wait for me! [runs downstairs out the door]
- Pencil: Ah, finally the kids'a left.
- Pen: Yeah, Penc, we need to talk.
- Pencil: I like where this is be goin'.
- Pen: Do you see what's going on in the paper?
- Pencil: [looking] Aye, it's 20 degrees out.
- Pen: Not that, the story!
- Pencil: Wot?
- Pen: [reading] Government-based violence in Mombasa towards LGBT objects, especially the transgender community. This is terrible!
- Pencil: Oi, from a diplomatical perspective we're not e'en in Kenya anymore. This is a foreign an' international zone.
- Pen: But Pencil, something must be done. I can't just let people who've probably had the same experiences as I suffer so much stigma just for being them!
- Pencil: Ah, fuss less, dear, a' leas' nobody else knows about yer situation, so y' can't be judged, yeah?
- Pen: Yeah. That will be kept between the twelve of us. Well, the sixteen of us.
- Boat: [sigh] Dusting people is so much fun.
- Chocolatey: Yeah. Y'know, Seh-chan, I never knew your boyfriend would ever come from this school.
- Minola: I totally ship you with him poxxxxx!
- Saye: Mi'a, we're already dating.
- Minola: Right, I totally knew that.
- Popsicley: Holy frozen treats, he's here!
[They stand behind the lockers.]
- Nickel: How's my sweet sweetness?
- Saye: I'm sweet … how are you?
- Nickel: That depends. I'm fine, just as long as that small crowd of yours is out of here.
- Saye: Oh, they're not. [she hits the lockers. Much laughter emanates from it]
- Nickel: That's nice, why not have the whole city of Nairobi hide inside a giant pair of pants?
- Boat: What, that can happen? [she is promptly shh'ed]
[Enter Shelly and Slurpy.]
- Shelly: Saye!
- Saye: Er … wot d'ye want, Shelly, I'm kind of in the middle o' somethin'.
- Shelly: I have some terrible news!
- Nickel: As if we totally care that you saw your crush at the mall in that Brazilian sports shop.
- Shelly: Bulgarian!-
- Slurpy: Shelly, stick with it …
- Shelly: Alright … did you read the paper?
- Saye: No—
- Nickel: —body does that.
- Shelly: I have it right here! "Mombasa-pohjainen hallitus kohdistuvaa väkivaltaa LGBT esineitä, erityisesti Transgender yhteisössä"
- Slurpy: Uh, you've got the Finnish version.
- Saye: I've got this … [she gets out her phone and translates it] Mombasa-based government violence against LGBT objects, especially in the Transgender Community. Oh no.
- Nickel: What's wrong?
- Shelly: I think I know what's wrong! Saye's worried that as the government is violating the rights of transgender people, because her father—
- Saye: —being one of the chief lawmakers in Kenya, will decide wheather the people are guilty or not.
- Shelly: But I thought— [she sees Saye glaring at her] Nothing.
- Slurpy: Come on, Shelly. I think popularity's really gone to your head.
[Exeunt Shelly and Slurpy.]
- Nickel: I'd better go, too. I have a class to get to and this isn't like one of those sitcoms where people spend like ten minutes in the hallway.
- Saye: See ya later!
[Exeunt Nickel. On the way there, he gets hit with a book falling from the sky.]
- Saye: What the hell? [she runs over]
- Nickel: Where did that book come from?
- Saye: [looks inside] Printed in Bangalore © 2004 …
- Nickel: No, I meant why are there books falling out of the sky? I don't think I owe anything to the library today.
- Saye: Oh, I think I know what's going on. Senior pranks!
- Nickel: Doesn't that usually happen near the end of the year?
- Saye: Usually, except the Seniors have not been accustomed to this new "American-style" school system where it ends in June.
- Nickel: Ah.
- Saye: Eh.
- Nickel: Uh.
[Awkward silence. Enter Rooftile, their senior-year friend.]
- Rooftile: I know what's going on! So, like, the seniors are taking all of the books in the library and leaving them everywhere around the school. Then they take the bookshelves in the library and fill them with … [whispers something to them]
- Nickel: Oh my God …
- Saye: Thet's disgustin' … we don't know where the library books will end up!
- Rooftile: Usually places like, say, on buildings, on bathrooms, on toilets, in toilets, below toilets …
- Nickel: You forgot "people's heads"!
- Rooftile: Inside toilets, mixed with toilets, juxtaposed incorrectly with toilets, around toilets—
- Saye: Oi, why are all of the books in toilets? That must really mess up the plumbing system around here, eh?
- Rooftile: Sorry about the toilets, it's just I really have to go!
[Exit Rooftile, running.]
- Nickel: Go where?
- Saye: Hold on. If all the books in the library have been replaced with less … good ones, then—
- Dewey: Shh, buddy, in case you haven't noticed, this is a library.
- Javier: I know. I'm a frequent visitor of yours, Mr. Card.
- Dewey: Really? What can I help you with?
- Javier: I'm looking for a book, Fantastic Spices and Where to Find Them.
- Dewey: Oh, that book!
- Javier: Don't I have to, like, look it up on a computer?
- Dewey: Not really, since about 30% of the people who come here originate in India and are in a cooking class.
- Javier: Cool.
- Dewey: Right now, due to the senior pranks, your book would be found … [he looks it up] … on the third floor of the Grade 3 building.
- Javier: Thanks, I'll get there out of breath.
[Exit Javier. At the same time, enter Zorah and her friends.]
- Zorah: Ohmigosh, I can't believe she said that!
- Chupalla: I know, like, she's so out of fashion. Chemically, of course.
- Lawrenciah: You know I can hear you back here!
- Dewey: Shh! Do you know where you are?
- Zorah: No …
- Lawrenciah: Isn't this a place?
- Chupalla: Oh! This must be where the squares to hang out, right?
- Dewey: As a fellow quadrilateral, I must say you're correct. But why are you here?
- Zorah: Well … ohmigosh, you tell him Lauren …
- Lawrenciah: We hear that the library has replaced the books with magazines from the distant past, is that true?
- Dewey: No, not at all … they're from the "this thing" past, a time of naïveté between the … well, you're all in grade 5. I'd rather not give out the details because that could lead to a lot of paperwork being signed, and I have no arms.
- Zorah: Hey, there they are!
- Chupalla: Er-mer-diers!
[They each grab a magazine. Mr. Card sees them about to sit down.]
- Dewey: Sorry, but I'm going to ask you to leave now; there are fifteen classes teaching in this media centre and all of them are from the high school buildings.
[Exeunt omnes, reading.]
- Lawrenciah: I really think that we shouldn't read them.
- Zorah: Why not? We're animate objects, what do we have to hide?
- Lawrenciah: Our dignities? Our sense of immaturity?
- Chupalla: Whatever …
[They start reading.]
- Zorah: Dammit, there's a protective cover!
- Lawrenciah: Now they'll know that we read!
- Chupalla: But does it really matter?
- Zorah, Lawrenciah & Chupalla: Nah!
- Lawrenciah: K, let's do it, but I ask for complete silence.
[They read for a few seconds, until …]
- Chupalla: ¡Ay, Dios mío!
- Lawrenciah: Gosh dammit, Abaya!
- Chupalla: No, do not call me that, the inquisition is removed! And besides the inquisition, the guy on the cover of my magazine looks very familiar. And besides that, his name is very similar to yours, Zorah!
- Zorah: Really? What is it?
- Chupalla: Lieutenant Sofer. I'm reading Cap-turbated an intrusive fashion magazine for writing utensils. This is not anyone you know, right? I mean, you did say that your father did serve in the military.
- Zorah: That won't be him, my daddy's a general, not a lieutenant.
- Lawrenciah: Maybe it was made in the past.
- Zorah: Goddarn it, Lauren, stop making this world boring!
- Chupalla: This edition was in year 7 of the great war against Brazil.
- Zorah: Gimme that …
[She sees the cover, and her eyes widen. Qalam-Rassas and his class arrive.]
- CA-92: And here is the media centre, where you may be able to purchase books.
- Idaka: May we go inside there, teacher?
- CA-92: Absolutely not.
- Zonophoney: Madame California instrument, why must we travel around the school at this time of day, every day?
- CA-92: So we can make sure that everyone knows where things at school are … everyone.
- Bowey: I use the stairs so I can sit on them!
- Qalam-Rassas: [seeing Zorah] Hi, Ora!
- Zorah: Oh my gosh … hide your shiㅌ!
- Qalam-Rassas: Zorah … [leaving the queue] I think I saw someone I might know on that magazine.
- Zorah: No, you don't.
- Chupalla: That magazine is a lie.
- Lawrenciah: Same.
- Qalam-Rassas: No, that's dad! Y'know, when he was soldiering in the army!
- Zorah: You don't say.
- Chupalla: Child, which should be in class before telling the teacher that left him.
- Lawrenciah: Touché.
- Qalam-Rassas: That doesn't make sense!
- Sio: Fancy!
- Ximena: What's happened with the furniture?
- Citlali: If you're doing that feng-shui thing, you're not doing it right.
- Pen: Actually, we're not doing either of that.
- Saye: You know what that means, then!
- Salvador: Family game night! Oh, how I can't wait to cheat this time …
- Pen: Though I must admit having your own son cheat at FGN is a source of pride and joy for me, that's not why we're changing the furniture.
- Javier: Then, why?
- Pencil: We're goin' to listen ter a speech from President Triangle, er, me father.
- Yaretzi: Oh boy, grandpa's coming!
- Cil: Goo!
- Pencil: This ain' supposed to be an 'appy momen', kids.
- Pen: The President is to arrive here to speak about the events that happened this morning. Should we tell them?
- Pencil: I don' think so … [to the kids] An' kids, please be on yer bes' behaviour when 'e's arrived an' don't call'e "grandpa"; there'll be a lot o' media an' the press'll come visit, so you'll be watched.
- Zorah: He's just the President!
- Pen: Yeah, Pencil. From a diplomatical perspective we're not even in Kenya anymore. This is a foreign and international zone!
- Pencil: Oh, so 'e may be a bit o'erbearin'. Doesn' mean ye can repeat the same line as I did earlier!
- Pen: Come on, can't you see I'm under stress? Whatever the man's going to say might affect all parts of my life, so—
[There is a knock on the door.]
- Pencil: "The man" is 'ere right now. Kids, stand in the back so ye can' be on the television.
[They do so. Enter Triangle with his entourage.]
- Triangle: I wholly forgot that I should knock before entering my daughter's home. Hello, Pencil. Salutations, Dear General.
- Pencil: 'Ello, dad!
- Pen: If it may.
[Pencil tries to hug him, but she gets stopped by his Secret Service.]
- 1890 USSS Badge: Bankoku-basho-no daitōryō-wo ataraba shinu-bekari tare-mo achi-ni orazu-wo, o-tomurai-nite nakimasen zo!
- Pencil: Wait. Why's th' American Secret Service 'ere?
- 1890 USSS Badge: Makoto gozaimasu. Yonjū-yon nemmaye-ni shirizokimashitari. Ima bankoku-basho-no daitōryō-no oru-koto-wo sarezo!
- Triangle: Please let me go now, dōmo arigatō gozaimasu.
[He gets onto the podium and begins his speech as everyone listens intently.]
- Pencil: My dad is so good.
- Pen: If by good you mean conservative and martial, you've hit the jackpot.
- Pencil: Oh, stop'e m8.
- Triangle: Mr. President, Mr. Secretary General, members of the press, my Honourable First Daughter, him: It is with great shock and sadness that we mourn the loss of the seven people who were caught and murdered by a group of so-called "vigilantes". A disaster as such shall warrant more feelings of intolerance and negativity to our protecting country.
[As Triangle speaks, the kids sit in the back.]
- Zorah: Omg, Saye, you like provalocative stuff, right?
- Saye: No, what am I, Aunt Match?
- Zorah: Never mind that. Anyways, me and my friends—
- Javier: My friends and I.
- Zorah: My friends and I were at the library …
- Salvador: You were in the library? There are books in there!
- Citlali: Did you not notice the senior prank?
- Zorah: Will everyone shut up? Anyways, I was in the library and my friend Chupalla had this magazine, and guess who was on it?
- Ximena: Kenan Thompson! Sorry, I've always wanted to say that in response to a question … carry on.
- Qalam-Rassas: She found Dad!
- Sio: What? … … … Oh. As if imagining Dad in one of those adult-only magazines was bad enough.
- Yaretzi: Wait, why is it even an adult-only magazine? Nobody's got anything to hide.
- Javier: It's a human thing. I'm pretty sure people our age are allowed to read it.
- Saye: Well, what did he look like? It could have been another pen.
- Citlali: Yeah, maybe it was in black and white …
- Javier: Sure, the throwback to the 1900s issue: People from our past who look like people kids are too uneducated to know about!
- Zorah: Well, Avi, you were right about the military part. The picture was taken back when he was Right-enant in the Army. He was in this weird magazine, Cap-turbated.
- Javier: Hey, a pun!
- Saye: Cap-turbated?
- Zorah: I know, bad name.
- Qalam-Rassas: Why are we saying this? Where are mummy and daddy?
- Yaretzi: I see them! They're on the other side of the room. I'm sure they can't hear— aaand Mum's giving us the dead eye.
- Saye: And now she's giving Dad the signal …
- Sio: Now Dad's getting out of his chair and going behind the press so as to not disturb Grandpa's speech.
- Triangle: … and that is why I invented square dancing. Now, I invite you all to take a moment of silence to remember this shameful day that shall remain in our books as a day of countryman against countryman.
[The kids, oblivious to Triangle's commands, still speak faintly amidst the silence. Pen gets to the same side as the kids.]
- Pen: Howdy, kids, I'm gonna need y'all pard'rs to escape to the guests' room, if I reckonie so.
- Zorah: Oh, don't say it, Zorah, don't say it …
- Cil: Damn!
- Zorah: The one time …
- Citlali: Dad, I hate when you play Good Cowboy-Bad Cowboy with us.
- Pen: Into your room, let's go!
[They all go into the guest room.]
- Pen: Now, just go and, like, watch TV.
- Salvador: Any channel this time?
- Pen: I recommend the Satire News Channel; see if the Internet remixed your conversations yet, will ya?
The guest roomEdit
- Citlali: Saye-chan, what's with the sneaky laughter?
- Saye: Oh, nothing. It just reminded me of last Thanksgiving.
- Yaretzi: What's Thanksgiving?
- Javier: It's this American holiday the day before people go to Black Friday, and that is when a bunch of people go to retail stores and shop.
- Sio: Wouldn't it get all crowded?
- Javier: That's the point!
- Saye: Okay, so remember last week when I told you I was staying over at Boat's house?
- Salvador: NO.
- Saye: Well, I actually took a plane to Washington, which is in America, so I could spend the Thanksgiving holidays with my boyfriend!
- Citlali: Ha! So you do have a boyfriend!
- Saye: Aye, his name is Nickel.
- Qalam-Rassas: As?
- Zorah: What the hell is with the young people in this family swearing up a storm?
- Qalam-Rassas: No! As in, like, there is a boy in my class from Switzerland named Nickle and his real name is Nicolas. True story.
- Saye: Want to know how we became dating?
- Salvador: No.
- Saye: So I got to Nickel's house, and nobody was there. That's when I realised that it was midnight, so I went to the store that Nickel, like, texted me about.
- Saye: [narrating] Anyways, so Black Friday was crazy! I was hearing strange dialogue, like …
- Cashier: That'll be 75 dollars, sir.
- Saye: What? How can all of that be 75 Dollars?
- Cashier: The prices were cheap, but due to some of these items, like those high heels, are so popular, they marked up the prices 15%! And, sorry for calling you sir.
- Saye: THAT'S IT! I am finding another store.
- Nickel: Saye?
- Saye: Nickel!
- Nickel: I can't believe you travelled an ocean just to see me!
- Saye: I know! In the real world this would be considered stalking.
- Coiny: Lucky for you, these words are considered the real life.
- Saye: Omg, hi Coiny! How's it being Nickel's older brother?
- Coiny: Oy …
- Nickel: That means you're going to die sooner than me!
- Coiny: Hey, you two should date.
- [ · ]: Okay.
[Back to the real world.]
- Saye: And that is how we began dating. [she sighs]
- Javier: What does that have to do with being locked in a room?
- Saye: It doesn't; I just wanted to let that out.
- Javier: What? [spit-takes]
- Yaretzi: Woah, what was that?
- Javier: I have no idea, like, there were no drinks in here! I'm pretty sure this country has a law against drinking before elections.
- Saye: Yeah, but not drinking … Apple Hoshi's Sour Apple Juice! Huh, you'd think that wouldn't sell but somebody's …
- Javier: We get it.
- Triangle: And I now invite the press to ask any questions.
- Helmet: Mr. President, how do you expect to pay for the damages caused by your protecting state?
- Triangle: I shall take 1% of the donations from this household to pay for the reparations.
[Chatter in the audience.]
- Pencil: Does he know our family secret?
- Pen: I don't know, but if it's for a good cause like this, I'll do it.
- telomatic[char tag?]: Do you expect to contact the president of the re-instated Government of Kenya following these attacks?
- Triangle: Yes, I shall send one of Kenya's finest diplomats to the main country. Stand up, whoever you are.
[Pen stands up proudly. A few seconds, he sits down again.]
- Triangle: It appears that we have no questions. Good night, International Settlement of Nair—
- Barrette: Wait!
- Triangle: Bless my heart, I never knew you had a voice. Rather, I knew of your voice, I didn't know that it would be used in a situation as such— go on.
- Barrette: This incident very greatly affected the LGBT community of Kenya.
- Triangle: What community? [laughs] There is no community in Kenya.
- Barrette: Are you aware that regardless of the existence of any LGBT community, this has caused fear in many people, and they'll probably emigrate to their home countries, out of fear that nothing has been done to stop this by the own president of the International Settlement.
- Triangle: Please, , don't waste your time arguing with me. I want to spend my dissenting feelings with someone whom I do not like.
- Pen: She's right!
[Everyone in the room gasps.]
- Pencil: Shut up, las' time I checked 'is wasn' a courtroom drama!
- Triangle: Finally! Someone I can argue with!
- Pen: What's going to happen to all of the people who don't believe in heteronormative views?
- Triangle: Sir, I am aware of all of the people fleeing this country due to the attacks.
- Pen: What are you going to do about this, Mr. President?
The guest roomEdit
- Ximena: Wow. It's so loud out there.
- Sio: Yeah. If only we could understand any of it.
- Saye: Luckily I can, but unluckily I don't think what they're saying is … for your hearing.
- Javier: Assuming that the topic is about LGBT rights in Nairobi, I think that what they're saying is "for our hearing".
- Saye: No, I mean … hey, there's a swear word! … And another!
- Salvador: Great, the big fancy music is on again.
Saye: Neither general nor president
Could disturb many a resident
Of the home for families and speeches, too!
Though their fighting is contagious
Like a virus disadvantageous
Reckon I what they speak of it, how 'bout you?
Zorah: What I think of this conversation
And that other one about our nation
Has absolutely no importance yet for me!
Salvador: Or me!
Citlali: Or me!
Saye: But I think what you'll hear from Dad is that
Prezzi T shall make us sad. Is that
What you'd like to hear for you, do you agree?
Zorah: What the hell are you all bringing
If it's bad news you well moan?
Javier: [spoken] Then you all should stop fake-singing
And please look at my phone!
- [He appears to watch a video.]
- Sio: What is that?
- Javier: Someone made a Sparta Remix of Daddy arguing with the president!
- [The video plays, transitioning to the scene in the living room.]
- Pen: Why does he seem so conversational, yet he's so hard to talk to?
- Pencil: 'E hasn' seen yer true potential yet …
- Pen: He told us "Tri out"!
- Pencil: Thet's not a problem, 'e told eight-year-old me thet when 'e left! An' I don' think'e'll be such a problem anyways, like, with all o' the bigoted violence 'ere maybe 'twill be too dangerous fer us to be 'ere, yeah?
- Pen: I don't know, but we need to know what the kids think about it.
[All of a sudden, the kids all are standing outside of the room.]
- Citlali: The kids think about what?
- Pen: Er … how about we play this game!
- Zorah: Yeah, and how about we play a game where you tell me what's really going on!
- Pencil: Wow, y'kids really catch on. [she starts to take things off the shelves] Pen, you get the other shelf!
- Pen: Right-o!
- Sio: [going to his room] I'd better do what they're doing.
- Saye: Why?
- Citlali: Why so questioning, Saye, didn't mum tell us to follow peer pressure?
- Saye: She did, but I don't see what causing collateral damage to the shelves has to do with anything.
- Yaretzi: I guess the saying goes … when at home, do as the Homans do.
- Zorah: Damn.
- Salvador: Some solid advice.
- Qalam-Rassas: Chavo, you're a Homan!
The boys' roomEdit
- Javier: Cil, you haven't put away your stuff yet?
- Cil: Goo!
- Javier: [sigh] Knowing that the activity of putting someone else's things away is tedious enough, I don't think I'll be cut out to be a father.
- Salvador: Avi, Avi, Avi. There have been many unmanly things I heard from flour delis like you, but that by far had to have been the worst one yet.
- Javier: Is that so, Salvador D'Israeli Schreiber? Maybe I should just call Father that a man in a bear mask has been threatening me with homophobic insults!
- Salvador: You have a point; I'll go away now.
- Javier: I'd better go …
- Sio: Guys, check this out, up here!
- Qalam-Rassas: What is it?
- Salvador: It's a blender, case closed.
- Sio: I don't think so. Let's take it to Dad; I'm sure he'll know.
- Sio: Hey, Dad?
- Pen: What's up?
- Sio: What is this thing?
- Pen: That's your cap, it keeps you from— [He looks over.] Oh my gosh, you found my old machine!
- [ · ]: Old machine?
- Pen: Back last week when the old gang was having a reunion—
- Pencil: W—
- Pen: —ait, I thought you were at Boat's house? Yeah, I wasn't.
- Sio: Wait, why were you at Boat's house?
- Pen: Her dad's one of those "secret-rich" types and I needed some tips about concealing our wealth.
- Pencil: Right …
- Pen: Anyways, since we were all auctioning some of the old
torture devicesprank stuff we used in our youths, I got this!
- Sio: That's awesome!
- Pencil: Wot? 'As'ee got more inventions thet I've been un-knowin' o'?
- Pen: Nope! The contest to get them was to kill whoever was holding the last one, so I backed out, and the only one I have is this contraption.
- Pencil: Honey, I'm not goin' ter ask wot this is e'en for. [she starts taking some more valuable things off their shelves]
- Pen: I guess I'll have to tell you all anyways …
Later that nightEdit
- Pen: Everyone, I have an important announcement. This isn't going to be pretty to say, but … we have to flee this country.
[Everyone is shocked.]
- Pen: I'm sorry, but something had to be done. I've spoken with your grandfather about this, and he recommended that … well … some people have to leave this country so an attack like this doesn't happen again.
- Pencil: Pen, thet's terrible.
- Saye: I don't get it! Why doesn't the government just make the law, like, better?
- Pen: One thing you should know about our governing Kenya is that it's very set up on Islamochristian values that arrived here before we all existed.
- Pencil: An' those values from th' olden days says thet a man can only love a woman, or thet people mus' stay in the same gender as they were in their birth.
- Pen: And when the government makes those views part of the law, it actually becomes the law.
- Pencil: So acos o' thet we've got to flee Kenya.
- Pen: Indeed, that is what the president said.
- Pencil: But where do we go?
- Citlali: How about Japan?
- Pencil: Lallie, they don' speak much English there … which is exactly wot we're a-lookin' fer!
- Sio: Dad, how much time are they giving us before they kick us out?
- Pen: I'd say about a few weeks.
- Qalam-Rassas: But then we'll miss Christmas!
- Javier: And Hanukkah!
- Pencil: Honey, spendin' Christmas is Japan's totally agains' our tradition.
- Pen: Well, it's our only choice when we're being sent abroad. Fam-meet dismissed, everyone return to packing.
- Pencil: Yes, sir!
- Ximena: Hey, Zorah, I just packed your stuff inside a bag!
- Zorah: I asked for a box!
[The kids return to their rooms.]
- Pen: Y'know, I should have told them that I myself chose to leave. Triangle doesn't know a thing about my past self.
- Pencil: Aye, an' you shoulda' told'em thet me dad's givin' us a second chance to prove thet yer manly enough to stay.
- Pen: Nah, making your dad sound bad is my job.
- Pencil: Oh, you.
[They kiss for a second.]
- Chocolatey: What's going on?
- Popsicley: And why so sad?
- Saye: I have to leave this country.
- Popsicley: Why? [Chcolatey elbows her.]
- Chocolatey: Saye, if you ever need help with leaving for a better place, I'll be there to help you.
- Boat: So where are you going?
- Saye: Japan.
- Minola: No way, I love Japan! I always go there on the weekends.
- Saye: Yeah, but you come back. I have to go to a Japanese school and leave this one.
- Popsicley: Wat.
- Chocolatey: You're ditching us!
- Saye: I'll become a Kenyan in Tokyo.
- Minola: You don't have to go to Japanese school … on Sunday just take the bullet plane with me!
- Popsicley: Bullet plane?
- Minola: Of course! On the way back to Africa we'll stop by my place and you can meet my parents. Don't you want to meet them, like, you all go to your own places but nobody ever goes to my place!
- Boat: Maybe because you live in the Philippines!
- Chocolatey: And where upon the Philippine Islands do you live?
- Minola: Manila.
- Popsicley: Why am I not surprised?
- Saye: Guys, I really appreciate you having me live with them, but I worried that I just can't stay at this school. And I'm even more worried about what Nickel will think about all of this.
- Boat: Oh yeah, that's right.
[Enter Nickel excitedly.]
- Nickel: Saye, oye! Did you hear the news?
- Saye: [rapidly] Okay-Nickel-I'm-really-really-sorry-about-that-but-I-just-can't-do-it-anymore-are-you-okay-with-having-a-long-distance-relationship-because-technically-you-live-in-America-and-I-in-Kenya-but-I'm-pretty-sure-that-the-distance-from-America-to-Japan-is-so-much-further-y'know?
- Nickel: What? I was just going to say the coolest thing ever! We were at the cafeteria and Baseball found a tooth in his patty!
- Saye: That's disturbing, to say the least, but I have worse news.
- Nickel: What is it?
- Saye: I'm leaving Kenya for Japan.
- Nickel: NO! This is bad, really bad!
- Popsicley: I know, you'd think she'd tell us about it earlier. [Chocolatey elbows her.]
- Nickel: My girl is leaving me?
- Saye: Look, I didn't plan on doing this myself. And I bet that my brothers' and sisters' friends are taking this a lot worse than we are.
- [ · ]: NO!
[Meanwhile, with Zorah.]
- Zorah: I know, it's terrible!
- Chupalla: Yeah, I liked the library better when there were better books.
- Lawrenciah: Yeah, like yesterday!
- Zorah: Wait. None of you care that I'm forced to leave this country for another one?
- Lawrenciah: No, not really.
- Chupalla: It happened to me twice. First Chile, then Spain, and now I'm here!
- Pencil: Ach! Why ain' she pickin' up 'er phone?
- Pen: It's not like she placed you on a "do not call" list— Oh, wait.
- Pencil: [She scoffs at Pen. Suddenly someone talks into the phone, although their voice is unintelligible] Oi, you're lesbian, right?
[On the other line is Book at her house from the past seasons.]
- Book: What?! It has been three years since I have seen you, and the first thing you ask is a most obvious question? The answer is "yes", and I honestly should not have temporarily placed you on the "do not call" list.
- Pen: Told ya.
- Pencil: Book, I've got a serious problem. We've been forced to leave the country.
- Book: What? Why?
- Pencil: None o' thet really matters right now, but I've got somethin' fer'ee.
- Book: Okay?
- Pencil: 'Ow can I prove to me father thet Pen's as manly's e'er to stay in Kenya?
- Book: So you have been forced to leave, and now you are trying to prove to the President that he can stay in this country? If I were you, I would just leave.
- Pencil: Book, this is serious.
- Book: Okay, fine. What you should do is have prove to the world that he can do something really manly, as in, really manly. That will be enough to sway the corrupt, homophobic justice system as which the majority of the world perceives us.
- Pencil: Oi, you're a-talkin' about me daddy!
- Book: Sorry, , I have to go. My SO is whining about eating what I made her.
- Pencil: Aye, I've got to make a call—
- Book: [screaming] If you do not like it, why did you ask for it?
[She hangs up. That's when it's revealed that the aforementioned SO is actually Ruby.]
- Ruby: Who was on the phone?
- Book: Just an old friend.
- Sio: Woah!
- Citlali: Feng-shui isn't working out for you guys, let it go!
- Pen: No, this is for another presidential visit.
- Zorah: Great. Do we have to go to the room again?
- Pencil: I think this one'll be fun fer'ee.
- Salvador: Yeah, like "fun" in this sense doesn't mean watching a boring speech done by—
[There is a knock on the door. Enter Triangle with his entourage.]
- Triangle: I don't know why I bother knocking, it's my free country.
- Pencil: Alright, Pen, tape ready?
- Pen: Tape is ready! [he has taped his cap to his body]
- Saye: What's going on?
- Sio: This is weird.
- Triangle: How very interesting; you are going to prove yourself to stay in this country.
- Pen: Yes, sir.
- Triangle: Like I did say, our country was built on the premise of masculinity. And therefore, you are to prove yourself manly enough to fit living in this land upon this president's order.
- Pen: Sexist.
- Triangle: What?
[Pencil brings out the aforementioned machine.]
- Pencil: Er, 'Avier, 'ow'd'ee like ter explain to Mr President about 'ow this thing works.
- Javier: I'd be glad to. [to Triangle] Sir, you are in for a surprise.
- Triangle: I sure believe it, my grandson.
- Javier: This machine is called a "Scoviller", although it wasn't called that back when my father, or your general officer, was—
- Pen: In his inventing stage, yes.
- Triangle: I have heard enough about the backstory, and I need to know if this device if officially approved by the government, id est, me.
- Javier: I don't—
- Pen: Yes, sir, this has been approved.
- Triangle: Good, I don't want it to be like those devices we seized from some illegal gang-related trade.
- Pen: Oh. Weird.
- Triangle: And what does this machine do, Junior?
- Javier: Happy you asked. The Scoviller works pretty simply. Just input a number on this keypad, and a food with that number of Scoville Heat Units will come out to be eaten. It goes against the laws of physics, ethics, and 72 countries, but I figured that since you've approved it—
- Triangle: Ooh, let me try!
[He gets out of his "throne" and sets the number to 0. A bell pepper comes out. Triangle takes the pepper, but instead of eating it …]
- Triangle: [giving it to Pen] Eat it.
- Pen: Why?
- Triangle: Are you speaking against your commanding officer, boy?
- Pen: No, sir!
- Citlali: Dad, don't worry.
- Sio: Its Scoville number is practically zero.
- Yaretzi: That's because it is zero.
- Pen: Here goes nothing.
[He eats it, and nothing happens as expected.]
- Triangle: [pretending to write] Subject displays no reaction at zero SHU. If he feels nothing at the lowest part of the spectrum, what will he feel at the highest?
- Pen: Sir, what are you doing?
- Triangle: Setting it to as high as possible. [he types in several 9's, but the highest number is 16,000,000]
- Javier: That's funny! Sixteen million is the Scoville of pure capsaicin.
[The pure capsaicin comes out, in the form of a white powder resembling salt.]
- Ximena: Cool, salt!
- Javier: Actually, it's pure—
- Saye: Baking soda!
- Javier: Yes, the soda used for baking!
- Triangle: I did set the Scoviller to max, so you'd better not have tricked this for baking soda to come on. I know that this is truly—
- Cil: Capsaicin!
- Pen: They want me to eat what's possibly the spiciest food to object? I can't; we Greeks prefer seasons to spices!
- Triangle: Come on, do you want to stay here in Kenya?
- Pen: Well, not really.
- Pencil: Pardon me language, but wot the fuク? Why'd I wan' to leave this beautiful nation o' mine? I'd be leavin' me father all acos o' me father!
- Sio: And you don't know how many friends I've made just by living here!
- Saye: Please don't send us away, sir, I have a social life!
- Cil: Goo!
- Pen: Alright, I want to stay!
- Triangle: Boy, your judgment is plain, though I can see why you wish to reside in this land. Now eat!
- Javier: Guys, I have a confession. I knew that a situation like this was going to happen, so I replaced the capsaicin option with flour.
- Triangle: We're waiting, dear general.
- Pen: Yes, sir.
[He eats the powder. There is no reaction.]
- Pen: You can really taste the nothingness there, Avi, so much that it's not even worthy to give to Uncle Eraser. In fact, if this were actually, like, pure capsaicin right now, I wouldn't notice until a few seconds from now, considering my genetic trait of selectively delayed reactions. Nice trick, son!
- Javier: What trick? That's pure capsaicin! I just lied to you about the flour so we could stay in Kenya.
- Pen: Wha … haaaaaaaaaaaaa, oh my G-d that's hot! [his cap turns red due to the spiciness]
- Salvador: [gasps] Avi, playing a prank that hurts someone but for your own good?
- Yaretzi: That's terrible!
- Salvador: No, I mean that I've never been so proud of you! You're officially my brother.
- Javier: Yay!
[During all of this, Pen is running around looking for water.]
- Pencil: Y'lot, we should all worry fer yer dad.
- Saye: I think he's fine.
[Pen splashes water from the sink into his mouth, and his cap turns blue again.]
- Pen: [gasping for air] Th- That was terrible!
- Triangle: Alright, I've finished from this lollygagging. You all can stay in Kenya.
[They all celebrate.]
- Triangle: [exeundus with entourage] "Alright, I want to stay", really? The nerve of that man!
- Pen: Alright, come on, everyone! Let's all pack; we're going to Tokyo.
- Pencil: But Pen, we're stayin' 'ere!
- Pen: I know, but after all of this, I think what we all need is a Japanese holiday, eh?
- Everyone: Hooray!
- ↑ He's referring to Match, Eraser, Ari and Kat.
- ↑ (Classical Japanese) "If you touch the President of the International Zone you will surely die and nobody will cry at your funeral because they will not be there."
- ↑ (Classical Japanese) "That is true. We retired forty-four years ago. Now leave the presence of the President of the International Zone!"
- ↑ It isn't strange for the President to refer to himself; Obama does it too, and given Kenya's love for America …
- ↑ In some countries, the penny is no longer a unit of currency.
- ↑ The reason that Triangle says that Pen shouldn't stay is because he gave him attitude, not about not being of "morality" to stay in Kenya.
- ↑ If a live audience were watching, they would cheer. Like really loudly.
- ↑ If a live audience were watching, they would cheer, probably less loudly.