Line 1,286: Line 1,286:
*{{d|zor}}: Oh joy.
*{{d|zor}}: Oh joy.
{{Scene|Home|Pen has driven the children home after three hours plus traffic. It is now night.}}
{{Scene|Home|Pen has driven the children home after three hours plus traffic. It is now night.}}
*{{d|pj}}: So, does Mum have anything waiting for us at home?
*{{d|d}}: Sure, I'm sure she can come up with food for ten kids in three hours.
*{{d|cit}}: [''having incited the children''] And... how is the work on the music video?
*{{d|d}}: Oh, it's all{{em}} [''feigning ignorance''] What do you mean, music video?
*{{d|qr}}: It's a video.
*{{d|jav}}: For which there is a song.
*{{d|sal}}: Easy, Pen, we know about this video.
*{{d|d}}: I know nothing of what you're talking of.
*{{d|sal}}: WE KNOW WHAT THIS IS!
*{{d|d}}: [''sighs''] I can be quiet against the blinding light of the enemy, but to you kids, I'll reveal anything.
*{{d|dj}}: Dad, you have been working on a music video, and so have we.
*{{d|d}}: Really?
*{{d|xim}}: Is this why you don't want us to come inside?
*{{d|d}}: Nope! Just wait until I tell you to come inside.
{{Scene|Inside|Enter '''Pen'''. Pencil has been viewing Cil's artwork.}}
*{{d|p}}: Oi, you're 'ere h'early.
*{{d|d}}: It was easy to come home when your kids keep telling you to honk the horn at anyone passing by.
*{{d|p}}: An' the kids; shall we conceal wot we've been doin', er wot?
*{{d|d}}: They know.
*{{d|p}}: Wot, you've told 'em?
*{{d|d}}: They've known.
*{{d|p}}: Ah, wote'er. The whole filmin' an' {{cen|shiト}} are done. O'er. ''Finito.''
*{{d|jav}}: Is it safe to come in now?
*{{d|p}}: Aye, children!
[''Intrant filii.'']
*{{d|xim}}: Wow, this place looks great!
*{{d|pj}}: I still don't know why we don't clean our rooms. Come on, girls.
*{{d|p}}: Wait! I'd like'ee to see somethin'.
[''The children gather around Pencil and Cil, who can still be seen at the drawing-board.'']
*{{d|yar}}: Is this Cil?
*{{d|zor}}: No, the President of Kenya. Yes, it's Cil! What's he doing?
*{{d|p}}: 'E's been drawin' our music video fer the pas' three hours.
*{{d|cit}}: I don't need to be told twice.
*{{d|pj}}: So this is your video. Are you going to make it animate like that drawing song from before we were born? What did they call it, anyway?
*{{d|jav}}: ''The Taking of the I Upon''?<ref>In a so-called deleted scene, most of the popular songs of old Kenya were smuggled into the country in their back-translated forms.</ref>
*{{d|pj}}: Yeah.
*{{d|jav}}: Other than that, it looks very good.
*{{d|dj}}: I knew I could believe in him.
*{{d|p}}: Thet's nice, acos 'e's only got one picture done.
*{{d|pj}}: How many are you drawing?
*{{d|p}}: Nothin' fer me; thet's a commission fer yer Aunt Match. She wants me to draw three minutes' worth o' still images.
*{{d|sal}}: HOW MUCH WILL THAT{{em}}
*{{d|p}}: Oi, don't yell. You might make 'im cry.
*{{d|sal}}: Well, he is a baby.
*{{d|jav}}: Omg, I've got the time!
*{{d|xim}}: What is it?
*{{d|jav}}: If normal video resolutions are 30 frames per second, and the whole music video is three minutes, ergo 180 seconds, long, then Cil would be drawing for... 1.8 years.
*{{d|sal}}: What's that in animal years, because, [''taunting''] that's what ''you'' are!
*{{d|p}}: Chavo, sit an' watch sport with yer father!
*{{d|sal}}: Okay.
*{{d|cit}}: I've a question.
*{{d|p}}: Wot's thet?
*{{d|cit}}: Why didn't you invite ''me'' to the music video?
*{{d|pj}}: Really subtle.
*{{d|cit}}: Okay, why not ''us''?
*{{d|p}}: I suppose it's acos it was yer Aunt Match's idea.
*{{d|yar}}: Well, that wasn't nice.
*{{d|p}}: The video's got a bunch o' boys dancin' in'e.
*{{d|xim}}: Yikes.
*{{d|pj}}: Gosh no.
*{{d|cit}}: I regret everything I've said. Were the boys cute?
*{{d|jav}}: Yeah, were they?
*{{d|p}}: Eh, they's jus' people from our 'igh school days.
*{{d|zor}}: Moo.
*{{d|p}}: I suppose it's yer bedtimes yet?
*{{d|qr}}: Mum, we've just got home. And Daddy didn't get us anything to eat!
*{{d|p}}: [''to Pen, who has been watching television''] '''''YOU NAUGHTY BOY!'''''
*{{d|pj}}: Ha, that sounds like something Aunt Match would say.
*{{d|p}}: Not a word before the little ones. Alright, I suppose'ee should eat quickly an' it's straight to bed.
*{{d|jav}}: [''whispering''] <small>There's no school tomorrow.</small>
*{{d|p}}: An' you're off ther 'ook. I've done got to make an exception fer Cil, though. 'E'll be sleepin' as a baby'd tonight.
*{{d|dj}}: Oh, I don't know about that, after seeing what this is.
[''The children look at the finished first frame: Match, carrying a phone and dressed as a blushing bride, surrounded by a harem of men.'']
*{{d|dj}}: I would sell this to a museum, but they'd burn it.
==Sunday, January 13==
{{Scene|Home|The children wake up late on a Sunday morning. Pencil and Pen are also at home because they don't have jobs.}}
*{{d|d}}: [''on his phone''] Honey, what words can I make with "ADEKMNOST"?
*{{d|p}}: "Don't ask me", 'n why d'ye keep playin' thet game if I know you're a cheat?
*{{d|d}}: It stimulates the mind.
*{{d|p}}: So does an under-cap massage.
*{{d|d}}: Something with passion.
*{{d|sal}}: Ew, yuck!
*{{d|d}}: Chavo, how long have you been here?
*{{d|sal}}: Several years.
[''A knock.'']
*{{d|p}}: Match, 's thet you?
*{{d|m}}: Yes, I'm beautiful!
[''Pen opens the door.'']
*{{d|m}}: Omg, like, what are you doing? We're going to be, like, late for, like, church!
*{{d|p}}: An' a good 'ello to you.
*{{d|m}}: Like, Sunday Mass starts in five{{em}}
*{{d|d}}: Match, what the flip are you talking about? Our family are Jewish!
*{{d|m}}: Sorry, like, the guy I had last night had to leave early because he wouldn't be awake for Our Lady of{{em}}
*{{d|p}}: 'Old on, 'old yerself, I know exactly wot you're sayin, an' let me tell'ee, the kids know.
*{{d|m}}: Know what?
*{{d|d}}: The last election, Match.
*{{d|p}}: 'E means the music video.
*{{d|m}}: Omg, yeah! So where's the video?
[''Pencil and Pen look at each other, concerned.'']
*{{d|p}}: About the movin' picture... Pen, fetch the drawin'.
*{{d|d}}: Right-o.
*{{d|p}}: 'Tis under Cil!
[''He sprints up the stairs.'']
*{{d|m}}: [''scoffing''] Your man, like, always being the hero. Why is it that when I tell Eraser to get something as close as, like, the TV remote, he always grumbles and, like, whines?
*{{d|p}}: No offence, but yer man jus' ain't as good as mine's.
[''Enter'' '''Pen''' ''with the drawing. It has clearly grown overnight.'']
*{{d|d}}: Wow, I think this has become heavier.
*{{d|p}}: Wot, thet's crazy!
[''Pencil carries the drawings.'']
*{{d|p}}: Aye, this is 'eavier than Avi's copy o' the Kenyatta'r English Dictionary.
*{{d|m}}: Omg, this is, like, amazing!
*{{d|d}}: Really?
*{{d|p}}: Match, you've got to know{{em}}
*{{d|m}}: I owe it all to, like, Cil. If it weren't for him, I would have, like, never known how beautiful I was!
*{{d|p}}: Match, girl{{em}}
*{{d|m}}: Oh, and there's a note at the bottom!
*{{d|p}}: A wot now?
*{{d|m}}: [''reading''] "Press this and the link of your song's video at the same time." Omg, he, like, instructivised! He really knows how to make me feel like a woman.
*{{d|d}}: That's our son.
*{{d|m}}: Sorry. I've dated artists, like, before and they were from my age to three times that.
*{{d|p}}: [''sarcastically''] Lovely. But wot's this do with{{em}}
[''Match does so.'']

Latest revision as of 19:28, 6 August 2019

Pencil and Pen shabbat.png

Unfinished story ahead!

"Tonight we have to avoid completion of things, like, y'know ..." - Pen
Finishing an article? This story is not finished, and due to the creator's schedule, it may need waiting.

I suggest to all you readers that you be patient or make a suggestion with this story.

Asterisk Hedge.jpg


"Wot'n ale's fozz'r'ye doin'?" - Pencil
This page contains profanity, like the sentence above. I have created two ways to censor those words, but I've also discovered that on mobile view, they lie uncensored. So please, show some cognoscience about what you may see.

If you do have a problem with profanity, please refer to this page § 3.

"Music Video Madness" is a new episode of Pencil 2.O, and until recently, there has been neither number nor date associated. In this episode, Match makes a music video with a little help from her friends

Thursday, January 10, 2013[edit | edit source]

Boys' room[edit source]

  • Qalam-Rassas: Mummy, why do I have to go to school tomorrow?
  • Pencil: It's jus' one day o' the week, like to prepare'e fer five next week.
  • Sio: Can we just skip tomorrow?
  • Salvador: Why should we come back to school for one day while you have no job at all?
  • Pencil: Kids, you know me 'n yer father. We've got ter 'ave some 'lone time to remain sane. An' I've got a job! The flower shop calls me whene'er they want, er, they wan'.
  • Javier: You're not alone! You've got Cil!
  • Cil: Goo!
  • Pencil: Well... oh... Sleep tight, all o' ye!
  • Javier: Good night!

[A. R. I.]

Friday, January 11[edit | edit source]

Morning[edit source]

  • Pencil: Don' ferget you'll 'a'e to take the bus today! Bye! Bye! Don' 'a'e too much fun whils' bein' schooled!
  • Zorah: We will!

[She closes the door.]

  • Citlali: [running] Wait for me!
  • Pencil: 'Urry up now, 'r you'll be late!


  • Pencil: [to Pen] You 'aven' e'en tried!
  • Pen: Penc... they've gone!
  • Pencil: Aye, thet's true. But I've got Match comin' o'er any minute now so wot's thet we do h'in love shall we do rather...

[A knock on the door.]

  • Pencil: An' she's arrived!
  • Pen: There goes the prospect of—

[Knock again.]

  • Pencil: Comin'!

[She opens the door.]

  • Match: Thank goodness, I couldn't wait, like, any further.
  • Pencil: You couldn' 'a'e sent'e h'on message?
  • Match: Welcome to your house, like, too.


  • Pen: Morning!
  • Match: Merp. Wait, it's, like, morning? Like, whatever; I've got a boy waiting, like, anyway.
  • Pencil: So, tell us the news!
  • Match: I've got a sudden record deal!
  • Pencil: No way!
  • Pen: Wait, but I thought you've stopped singing.
  • Match: That's what they thought. So they were, like, "What can a rich person do if she can't, like, sing?" And I was, like, I can rap!
  • Pencil: No you can't! Remember thet school projec' I'd ta'en advantage o' ye fer—done with'ee?
  • Match: Like, don't flashback to this. I've done, like, better now!
  • Pencil: An' 'o'll be the judge o' thet?
  • Match: Kenya.
  • Pencil: Kenya?
  • Pen: Our country?
  • Match: No, your pet rock.
  • Pen: Well...
  • Match: Anyway, the record people have, like, given me a job.
  • Pencil: Wot's a job?
  • Match: They want me to make a music video in twenty-four hours and they'll play the winner on TV.
  • Pen: Good luck with that.
  • Match: No, I'm enlisting you all in helping me!


  • Pen: But—
  • Pencil: 'Elpin' yer sister's the bes' we all can do. Besides, this is fer a good cause, right?
  • Match: The winner gets famous!
  • Pencil: Wot o' the people 'o 'elp the winner?
  • Match: I don't know. I've never, like, heard of them before.
  • Pencil: Thet's great an' all... 'a'ee h'an idea of wot you wan' to do?
  • Match: Nope!
  • Pen: Why not just go with all of the most popular songs today? Cashing on a trend that's going to die by the time the song gets popular?
  • Match: That's... like... brilliant! I know what exactly to write about! It's popular and I'm doing it!
  • Pencil: Oi, Match, I think multiple boyfriends' songs're already bein' sung about now.
  • Match: In that case, I'll, like, go with a selfie.
  • Pencil: Great! [sarcastically] You'll be an 'ero to the nex' generation.
  • Match: [obliviously] I know! I'm going to be, like, a totally amazing superstar!

Bus[edit source]

  • Zorah: I can't believe Mum's making us go on the bus.
  • Yaretzi: Why? The bus is so fun!
  • Citlali: [in the seat in front of her] Yes, but, like, we're next to all these public transport kids.
  • rodoberta[char tag?]: Hey, all these public transport kids can beat you up!
  • elditon[char tag?]: And steal your lunch money!
  • Citlali: I'll shut up.
  • Qalam-Rassas: Why aren't you sitting in the back?
  • Sio: I get bus-sick.
  • merten[char tag?]: Naw, you're just chicken!
  • Sio: What are you doing in the back of the bus anyway? Aren't you, like, seven?
  • merten[char tag?]: Seven and a half!


  • Citlali: And that's exactly why I'm so smart.
  • rodoberta[char tag?]: If you're so smart, then where do you get off the bus?
  • Citlali: I... don't know.
  • Yaretzi: I think we're supposed to get off right here. [to the back] Ora, we're getting off! [to Citali] She's doing some magic.
  • zytelie[char tag?]: Again?
  • Citlali: Well, somebody has to tell the bus driver.
  • Sio: Ask Saye, she's the oldest.
  • Saye: [on the phone, not listening] And I was like, "Yeah" and she was like, "No" and I was like, "You got it, girl."
  • Sio: Never mind.
  • Yaretzi: You do it, please.
  • Sio: I can't.
  • Saye: Well we're not going to argue over it!
  • Citlali: Finally, you're off the phone!
  • Saye: Yeah, sure.

[The children all argue. As this happens, everybody else leaves the bus in a time lapse of a sequence.]

  • Salvador: [waking up] Where's everybody gone?
  • Sio: They fled the vehicle. But at least now, somebody can tell the bus driver that we have to go home.
  • Zorah: You do it, Issie.
  • Yaretzi: What?
  • Saye: Okay, fine, I'll do it. You little kids need not to be scared!
  • Citlali: Here from the start, are you?
  • Saye: Do be quiet, girl. [to the bus driver] Excuse me... er... miss?
  • Bus Driver: [robotically] This bus is not equipped with student input.
  • Saye: Where are you bringing us?
  • Bus Driver: 123 Oo-na-med Drive.
  • Ximena: Oo-na-med Drive? What's the Oo-na-med Drive?
  • Salvador: I don't know, but I'm not going to sing about it.
  • Saye: How far is the drive to the Oo-na-med Drive?
  • Yaretzi: Wait, ask if they can calculate it!
  • Saye: You do it!
  • Yaretzi: Excuse me, how far is the drive to the Oo-na-med place?
  • Bus Driver: I can not do that. Can not do that.
  • Saye: What's going on? Why is it talking like that?
  • Yaretzi: Oh, the buses aren't driven by brained people.
  • Salvador: Brained?
  • Yaretzi: I'm armless; I can say that!
  • Salvador: Oh. Okay.

[A few minutes later, the bus stops outside a large cave.]

  • Bus Driver: Here you go.
  • Sio: But this isn't our—
  • Bus Driver: Off get.
  • Ximena: But this isn't our—
  • Bus Driver: Goodbye.

[The children are pressured off the bus.]

  • Qalam-Rassas: Goodbye!

[The bus speeds away.]

  • Salvador: That's rude!
  • Saye: Oh, like you're one to talk.
  • Yaretzi: Oh no, I'm scared!
  • Zorah: Relax, we're next to a cave. And caves are full of Tertiary Hexilators.
  • Sio: What?
  • Zorah: The person to cast a spell very very bad.
  • Sio: Oh.

Home[edit source]

  • Pencil: Shall we call the kids an' make sure they're all right?
  • Pen: I just did. I've even put them on group call and they're not answering.
  • Pencil: This ain' good.
  • Pen: Have you called Needle?
  • Pencil: I can't; after she ran off from me mum's 'ouse, she stopped usin' WiFi.
  • Pen: That means they're probably there. And what do you mean, "ran off"?
  • Match: Omg, show starts in, like, ten minutes!
  • Pencil: Wot show? You've jus' gi'en us scripts!
  • Match: Yeah, like, practise!

[Exit Match.]

  • Pencil: So this is wot a script looks like.
  • Pen: The formatting's so weird; there's no way that this is conventional.[1]
  • Match: Places people, we've got, like, ten seconds from show!
  • Pencil: Match, we're the h'only ones in ther 'ouse.
  • Pen: Yeah, and you don't live here.
  • Match: Do you want to be, like, a superstar or not?
  • Pencil: An' action!

[Match presses play on her MePhone camera, as Pencil pretends to play on a computer with the screen cut out. Pen, also on his phone, sits behind the computer screen.]

  • Pen: I'm getting something!
  • Match: Cut!
  • Pencil: Wot's 'appened now?
  • Match: Pen, you are not saying the, like, right stuff.
  • Pen: I'm sorry; I'm getting a text from one of the kids.
  • Pencil: Oh, wot's it says?
  • Pen: It's still loading.
  • Match: Omg, how can something, like, load in a fast-Internet place like your house?
  • Pen: It's coming from a place with very little Wi-Fi.
  • Match: Like, I know computers and you don't say "come" like that.
  • Pencil: Match, d'ye h'actually know wot about computers?
  • Match: Can we just do, like, the video please?
  • Pen: These directions don't make any sense.
  • Pencil: Aye, wot's "looks at a picture withfully" means?
  • Match: Withfully, as in, like, sad!
  • Pencil: Wot? [Pause.] Oh, you mean "wistfully"!
  • Match: No.
  • Saye: You know, if it weren't for your social awkwardness we could have been inside by now!
  • Zorah: Come on, we're not awkwardness.
  • Saye: Oh really.
  • Salvador: Then what do you want us to do, smarty pants?
  • Saye: One of us knocks on the door.
  • Ximena: Not it!
  • Javier: Not there, sister of mine, there is no door.
  • Yaretzi: That's kind of bad if they want to protect themselves from the forces of nature.
  • Zorah: Or a robber.
  • Salvador: Yes, a robber!

[Q. R. returns to the scene.]

  • Javier: And where have you been?
  • Qalam-Rassas: Oh! I just knocked on the door.

[A. R. I.]

  • Saye: How on Earth have you done something like that?
  • Qalam-Rassas: Come, I'll show you!

Needle's cave[edit source]

  • Javier: It's getting dark... I'm scared of the dark!
  • Citlali: I'll use my phone's light! [to her phone] Seepi, turn on torch.
  • seepi[char tag?]: Clicking on first app that's orange.
  • Citlali: Ugh, why can't my phone identify my British Kenya-ness?
  • Qalam-Rassas: It's okay, the door's over here!
  • Sio: I think there's writing on it.
  • Qalam-Rassas: I can't tell; I don't know how to read.
  • Ximena: Lallie, shine your telephone!
  • Citlali: You know I can only put its on-screen up really close to the thing. Like an animal!
  • Saye: Just do it, huh?
  • Citlali: Right-o.

[She shines her light on the door, which reveals text.]

  • Qalam-Rassas: Does anybody want to read it? Did I mention I can't read?
  • Javier: Sure. "The word for the door for whom to let is the bounds between leg parts and letter four in the alphabet."

[A. R. I. of confusion.]

  • Javier: Whoever has written this has got really bad grammar.
  • Ximena: Don't bring our grandma into this!
  • Sio: What do they mean?
  • Javier: Hmm... The bounds between leg parts. That's... that's... oh bother, I should know this. I know everything!
  • Saye: Well, in Abiology, we've learnt that the word for that is "knee".
  • Javier: Okay, "Knee!" And then the fourth letter of the alphabet... that is "D".
  • Zorah: What happens when you put "knee" and "D" together?
  • Yaretzi: Let's say it together.

Kids': Knee-D! [A hand appears from nowhere and partially slaps some of the children, who stand in a queue.]

  • Needle: Don't [wheezing] call me... Needy! But go.
  • Sio: Whoever you are, totally not Needy, we're going now.
  • Needle: No, I meant "Go inside!"
  • Javier: The correct word is "Come" if you're calling to someone from inside the h—

[The children are literally pulled in by a fishing reel. They recoil in shock once they see who lives inside the makeshift apartment building. She is Needle, a former protagonist, who is now aged twenty, though her frame is a bit thinner than before, if that was possible.] Kids': Aunt Needy?

  • Needle: [angrily] That's Aunt Needle to you!
  • Ximena: Are you mad at us?
  • Needle: [emotionally softening up] Oh, how could I ever be angry at my own nieces and nephews? Come here, all of you!

[They endeavour a group hug, trying to avoid being punctured.]

  • Needle: Nobody wants to visit me! You're really the first people to come over!
  • Saye: Why don't people want to visit?
  • Needle: Have you seen where I live? I'm very sure you got here by bus.
  • Yaretzi: You do know!
  • Zorah: So you really are a Tertiary Hexilator!
  • Citlali: I need to post to PYM.
  • Needle: You can't. I no longer have WiFi at this place.
  • Sio: Why not?
  • Needle: Would you like me to tell you a story?
  • Salvador: I don't know; how much time have we got here?
  • Needle: Until your mum picks you up. In the meantime, here's the story of my life since the last time you saw me. So it all began... What year is it?
  • Javier: In which calendar?
  • Salvador: It's 2013! Were you born in a cave or something?
  • Javier: Hey, that's not polite.
  • Yaretzi: Or nice!
  • Needle: Anyway... it was two years ago, back when BFDIA was rudely cancelled.
  • Citlali: It wasn't cancelled; it was put on hia—
  • Zorah: Shh! She's telling a stooooo-ry.
  • Needle: My mum, your grandma, told me that it was time for me to go to university. I tried aimlessly, going for the best colleges around the world just like my brother, your uncle, but no one would hire an object show actor. So I told Grandma that I was living in Angola, training to be a sock sorter.


  • Ximena: A sock sorter?
  • Needle: It's a real thing! Now I want you all to promise that you don't tell Grandma.
  • Qalam-Rassas: Yay, a game!
  • Kids: We promise.
  • Needle: If I get a call saying how I was a liar, I'll blame... the one in the middle.
  • Javier: Who, me?
  • Needle: One of you; there's a lot of middles.

[The children look around.]

  • Sio: You're right.

Home[edit source]

  • Match: I have it.
  • Pen: A stable boyfriend?
  • Match: Like, no. I finally edited that video.
  • Pencil: I di'n' know you could edit videos.
  • Match: Omg, like, of course I can!
  • Pencil: Wot, I ne'er says you're stupid!
  • Match: Anyway... like, do you want to see what you look like?
  • Pen: Sure!
  • Pencil: Well, you do love lookin' at yerself.
  • Pen: It's the curse of being me.
  • Match: Mm-hmm.

[Match brings up her laptop and presses play. Silence, though video shows—it is Pencil and Pen directly doing what they were doing before. The words "The End" pop up opn the screen.]

  • Pencil: Wot'n'ale's thet?
  • Match: Like, my music video!
  • Pen: Perhaps you're missing the point... It's a music video.
  • Match: And—
  • Pencil: Like, where's the music?
  • Match: Oh, the music! Yeah, that's exactly why I came here.
  • Pen: You don't know how to write so—
  • Match: [abruptly] Of course I know how to write, like, songs! The question is, like, how do I make a song that the judges will, like, love?
  • Pencil: 'O're the judges?
  • Match: A bunch of, like, old guys in suits.
  • Pen: Suits, the rich man's dressing robe.
  • Match: I think it's, like, obvious what I'm going to send.
  • Pencil: Cocktail jazz to make 'em feel nostalgic fer their ol'n days?
  • Match: No. Like, I'm going to sing what's popular on the radio!
  • Pen: Radio the rich man's—
  • Match: Will you, like, stop with the rich people stuff?
  • Pencil: Match, you're rich too.
  • Match: Oh yeah. [pause] Oh yeah!
  • Pencil: Wot's with the awkwardly long pause?
  • Pen: It's a Greek last name waiting to be pronounced.
  • Match: I have to call the record people. They need to extend my deadline!

[She gets her phone out and types in the number.]

  • Match: [to the phone] Hello? [interpreted silence[2]] Who are you? This is Match! [°] Yes, I'm, like, going to sing a song in your 24-hour Music Video contest. [°] Can I, like, like, request a pinstention for my video? [°] A pinstention, it's, like, when you make it longer. [°] Omg, like, whatever that means. [°] What are you, like, saying? Do you know who I am? I am hot, rich and beautiful! [°] Alright, like, thank you.

[She hangs up on the phone. Meanwhile, in the cave.]

  • Sio: I feel a disturbance! Someone, somewhere didn't say goodbye.
  • Salvador: You mean like when we left Mum and Dad at home?
  • Saye: [scoffs] It's another phone thing.
  • Qalam-Rassas: I want a phone!

[At the house.]

  • Pencil: I can't believe'e.
  • Match: Like, I know! Now they're giving me, like, three days to work on this masterpiece, while everybody else gets, like, two.[3] See, what Match wants, Match is going to get.[4]
  • Pen: I think my wife was talking about how your justification for a contest extension was that you were hot, rich and beautiful. That is clearly something that I am!
  • Pencil: Oi! Me 'usband don' realise thet I fall under those categories as well, the rich one bein' an 'ush-hush.
  • Match: Alright, people, be cool. [pause] Wait! I've never had to say that, like, before! Omg!
  • Pen: So... what do we do now?
  • Pencil: Watch the mos' popular songs these days an' make a song based on thet!
  • Match: Oh, I memorised that list. If you want cool, I'm your fool.

[Awkward silence.]

  • Match: "Fool" being a slang term referring to a person.
  • Pencil: We know.
  • Pen: We have kids, Match.
  • Pencil: So wot's the firs' mos' popular song right now?
  • Match: You know that song called "Exponentation"?
  • Pen: Never heard of it.
  • Pencil: Neither 'a'e h'I.
  • Match: It goes... [her head tilts to the side, almost as if she were a bird in motion] Doo-doot. Doo-doot. Skaaaah! Do-do-do-do-do-do-doo-doot. Doo-doot—
  • Pencil: Omg, I've 'eard'e before!
  • Pen: I never knew they called it that. There's only one word in the song, and it's—
  • Match: "This"! The only word is "this"!
  • Pencil: Alright.
  • Pen: And what's #2?
  • Match: What Eraser and I do at home.

[She makes a literal Lenny face.]

  • Pencil: Can'ee not talk o' thet?
  • Match: Haha, just, like, kidding. We do #3. And, like, oh! The song: It goes... [her head does the same thing, albeit in reverse] Nee-neep. Nee-neep. Huhhh? Ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-nee-neep.
  • Pen: What do they call that?
  • Match: "What It Is".
  • Pencil: Wot it is is utter cheatin'. E'ery song on the radio sounds practically the same! If you wan' to make yer contes' entry shine, you'd better include some lyrics.
  • Pen: Yeah, don't you miss when those were a thing?
  • Match: You're right! Hey! I've, like, never said that to you!
  • Pencil: Okay, think. Wot do young people like doin' these days?
  • Pen: Ignoring old people?
  • Pencil: Aye, but I don' think "Stop Talkin' to Me, Y' Ol' Coot" should become the nex' song on the #1 chart.
  • Match: Hmm...

[Silence, which lasts for a second or more. Her phone beeps.]

  • Match: Omg! I got a new PYM follower!
  • Pencil: Ooh.
  • Match: Can I, like, say the name? In front of the child?

[Camera pan to Cil, who smiles happily.]

  • Cil: Goo!
  • Pencil: Is it... in your flavour?
  • Match: Yeah.
  • Pencil: Sure! Th' only vulgar stuff 'e knows is in Kiswahili.
  • Match: His name is "cutebucketofc—
  • Pen: [interrupting] Okay! On second thought, we'd better go back to thinking of names that would benefit objectity instead of killing it off.
  • Match: Haha, tity. Anyway, I've got to, like, take a selfie for him. Let him know that I, like, totally care.

[She does a quick selfie with her phone.]

  • Pencil: Oi, thet's jus' gi'en me the perfect idea fer a song! We can call it... "Jibundori no Uta".
  • Pen: That Japanese?
  • Pencil: Aye, fer... "The Selfie Song"!
  • Match: I don't know.
  • Pencil: Come on, Match, it's 2013. Japanese stuff's so h'in right now; the public'll love'e.
  • Match: Like, writing a song about a selfie? Do people do that?
  • Pencil: Come on, Match, it's 2013. Selfies're so h'in right now; the public'll love'e.
  • Match: Well if the public will love me... Wait! Like, they love me already! I am, like, so universally loved and everyone else is so universally, like, hated.
  • Pen: We'd better start filming now before your personality goes— [mimics an explosion]
  • Pencil: You're lucky we're friends with'ee; 'f anybody h'else did thet, you'd beat 'em up!

[Match yawns.]

  • Match: Auuauauauauaugh!
  • Pencil: Are you okay?
  • Match: I'm, like, tired. Can we film tomorrow?
  • Pen: But we've got nothing done today!
  • Match: Duh! I just want to go home and do stuff with Eraser.

[She rolls her chair out the door.]

  • Pencil: Can'ee h'at least walk? You're a bit settin' a bad example fer Cil.
  • Cil: [in the background] Goo! Goo! Goo!
  • Match: Fiiiiine.

[In her lethargy, Match lifts herself up and ambles out the door.]

  • Match: Goodbye hoes.
  • [ Pencil · Pen ]: Bye!

[She slams the door.]

  • Pen: That was weird.
  • Pencil: Wot're we to tell the children thet they're goin' to their Aunt Needle's tomorrow?
  • Pen: We won't know until they come.
  • Pencil: True thet. Now to try to call 'em once more.

Needle's Cave[edit source]

  • Needle: Good evening!
  • Kids: [bored] Hey.
  • Needle: I have noticed that you have said the word "phone" twelve times already.
  • Citlali: How do you, like, know so much about what we say?
  • Needle: Well, when I was dating Coiny... ugh, this story doesn't go anywhere with you all on your mobile phones all the time!
  • Saye: I'm sorry, but that's just how the world works.
  • Needle: You know what? From now on, you will hand me your phones and we can just spend time talking.
  • Salvador: But that's boooo-ring!
  • Needle: Hand it over... The cheeky one first.
  • Salvador: Okay. But that's because I don't want you to poke me.

[Everyone gives their phones to Needle.]

  • Needle: Now I promise that I won't destroy them. So, do you want to hear a story about anything?
  • Qalam-Rassas: Nah.
  • Yaretzi: We're pretty happy right now!
  • Zorah: She's always happy.
  • Needle: Yeah, I don't like to talk too much.

[Awkward silence. One of the children's phones rings.]

  • Needle: Who's Mum?
  • Qalam-Rassas: It's Pencil! Hahahahahahahahaha, I said her name.
  • Needle: Okay, like, shall I take this?
  • Ximena: It's one of our phones. So I would.
  • Needle: Right-o.

[She puts the phone to her ear.]

  • Needle: Hello?
  • Pencil: Needle, 's thet you?
  • Needle: What's the magic word?
  • Pencil: Needy.

[She literally slaps Pencil through the phone.]

  • Needle: Don't ca—
  • Pencil: Okay, 'tis you. Jus' checkin' on me favourite sister.
  • Needle: I'm your only sister.
  • Pencil: Which means I'm yer fave too!
  • Needle: Yeah...
  • Pencil: Listen, I need you to babysit our kids again tomorrow.
  • Needle: What? What are you and Pen doing together?
  • Pencil: On Earth's'ee says... no, it's fer somethin' fer Match.
  • Needle: Oh. How lovely. What time?
  • Pencil: There h'ain' any school tomorrow, so, probably all day.
  • Needle: Okay. They're really well-behaved.
  • Pencil: Great! I'e got to pick 'em up soon, d'ye mind gi'in' me yer address?

[Needle whispers something into the phone.]

  • Pencil: Why's'ee whisperin'?
  • Needle: The spy-lunkers might hear.
  • Pencil: Y–y'means spelunkers?
  • Needle: No. They're very well convincd
  • Pencil: [awkwardly] Okay! I shall be there'n about... three hours and fifteen seconds.
  • Needle: Yay! Bye, sister!
  • Pencil: Dada mdogo.[5]

[Needle hangs up.]

  • Sio: Hooray, you've said "Goodbye!" I feel like nobody does that any more.
  • Needle: Well... [somewhat angrily] I'm betrayed! You said that you've been wandering around Kenya, looking for a place to stay and I was the only one kind enough to take you in!
  • Zorah: [sarcastically] Oops.
  • Yaretzi: She's a master liar.

[Everyone else gasps.]

  • Yaretzi: It's true, and she likes to be called that!
  • Zorah: Lying's what I do. To protect... the nation.
  • Needle: So your mum should be here in three hours and fifteen seconds.
  • Qalam-Rassas: How do we know what time it is if we can't see our phones?
  • Needle: I'm forcing you to use... analog!

[Everyone gasps again, except for Saye and Sio.]

  • Saye: What? We were old enough to learn that in the up before phones came around.
  • Needle: Yeah, you all are much too young. So who wants to play Tufaha to Tufaha?
  • Qalam-Rassas: Meme!

On the road[edit source]

  • Pen: Where'd she say she was?
  • Pencil: Not sure. There's got to be some caves nearby 'owe'er.
  • Pen: We're approaching a national park.
  • Pencil: Thet's all nice an' all.
  • Pen: What are we going to do about the kids?
  • Pencil: No idea, but they cannot know... They'll geh'n' want a piece o' the pie an' thet ain' Match's vision!
  • Pen: Especially all of them.
  • Pencil: Aye.

[They approach the park.]

  • Pencil: I've ne'er been 'ere.
  • Pen: I can't believe your sister lives in a cave.
  • Pencil: Me neither. She's got a secret to tell fer us when we get there.
  • Pen: What's that?
  • Pencil: I 'a'n' a h'idea. Probably why she don' like bein' called thet name.
  • Pen: Which name?
  • Pencil: You know! The... [whispering] Needy.

[As their windows are open, Needle's hand enters the car and slaps Pencil.]

  • Needle: Don't call me Needy!

[As she had done with the children, she pulls in Pencil and Pen while he is driving.]

  • Needle: [realising] My family!
  • Pencil: Needle!

[They hug.]

  • Pen: It's really nice to know that you're still in Kenya.
  • Needle: Yes, that's a susprise for all of us.
  • Pen: So what's this secret you've been wanting to tell us?
  • Needle: Exactly what I've told the kids.
  • Pencil: Really? Y'tells the children o'er yer own sister?
  • Needle: I'm sorry, I have to be somewhere.

[She goes inside and closes the door. A. R. I. of goodbye from the children; the door opens, and Needle returns them to the parents. A. R. I. again.]

In the car[edit source]

  • Citlali: Now can you tell us what you're doing?
  • Saye: Are you really going to ask that?
  • Citlali: Er, yeah. I'm, like, so deserving to know!
  • Sio: You don't want to know that. Take it from us older kids.
  • Citlali: I'm old!
  • Sio: Then have you watched that video at school?
  • Citlali: What v— Ohhhhhh. Ew.
  • Pen: Everyone doing alright back there?
  • Ximena: Yeah, Dad.
  • Pencil: Was yer Aunt Needle a good babysitter?

[A. R. I. of indecision.]

  • Zorah: She kept telling us to watch out for the government spies around her.
  • Salvador: All because she didn't go to university like you've said.

[Everyone gasps.]

  • Javier: Chavo, you weren't supposed to say that!
  • Zorah: Yeah, moron, nobody was supposed to say that.
  • Yaretzi: But you did.
  • Qalam-Rassas: Ooh, drama!
  • Pencil: Woah, woah, woah, woah! [pulls over on the road] Wot o' me sister?
  • Pen: She hasn't gone to college? Now she's in our club!
  • Javier: If one must know—
  • Pencil: Wait. Let me see h'if it's okay to, er, spread the news. Needy!

[The hand enters the car and slaps Pencil. It's okay; she's secured.]

  • Pencil: Needle, girl, 's it fine if I tell 'em o' the news?
  • Pen: I thought she couldn't hear you.
  • Sio: Oh but she does. With the brand new Audibrach, we've finally got good use for that Hanuchristmas present.
  • Pencil: 's it this thing?

[She takes off her necklace.]

  • Sio: It was meant to be a wristband, not a neckband.
  • Citlali: Neckband?
  • Pencil: I don' e'en got a neck!

[She places the Audibrach onto Needle's outstretched arm.]

  • Pencil: Alright.
  • Needle: [from far away] So you're finally using that thing you sent to me and I sent back, are you?
  • Pencil: Needle, we've got to speak with each other.
  • Needle: What is it?
  • Pencil: Why 'a'n'ee told us you h'ain' in university?
  • Needle: Whom of your children squealed?
  • Salvador: It was me!
  • Javier: And you don't say "whom".
  • Needle: Okay, okay, I'll tell the story. Where are you anyway, Pencil?
  • Pencil: Pulled o'er on the side o' the road. I'll be drivin' in a.
  • Needle: Got it. Oh, I've got a lot to tell you.

Home[edit source]

  • Needle: And that's why I live in caves.

[A. R. I.]

  • Pencil: Well... we've jus' arrived 'ome, so thanks'ee fer the good timin'!
  • Needle: You're welcome!
  • Qalam-Rassas: Aunt Needle, your services are no longer needed.
  • Ximena: Now we can turn on the radio!

[The door opens.]

  • Ximena: Or not.
  • Pen: Ah curseword, did we forget to?
  • Pencil: I think so.
  • Pen: Kids, just wait out here.
  • Pencil: Without lookin' inside.

[Intrant; manent infantes.]

  • Qalam-Rassas: Why don't they want us to go in?
  • Salvador: It's because they're HIDING SOMETHING!
  • Saye: Yeah, no crap.
  • Yaretzi: You shouldn't say words like that.
  • Saye: Sorry.

[Pencil pokes her head out of the front door.]

  • Pencil: Come in, you're good!

Living room[edit source]

  • Salvador: Woah, this place has changed.
  • Javier: Suddenly I feel the natural urge to keep my side of the room tidy.
  • Zorah: So do I.

[The kids retreat to their rooms.]

Saturday, January 12[edit | edit source]

Morning[edit source]

  • Yaretzi: Ah, Saturday.
  • Ximena: TV day.
  • Javier: The weekend is finally twice the length of the school week.
  • Salvador: But then we have to go back to school on Monday.

[Nearly everyone groans.]

  • Saye: Hey! No negativity on Saturday!
  • Citlali: Yeah, that's a banished thing!
  • Sio: Whatever. Let's just celebrate with the most family of all family TV shows. Insanity!

[Enter Pencil.]

  • Pencil: No, no, no, ye can't watch television today.
  • Salvador: We'll never surrender our series! Never!
  • Citlali: We did when we were on holiday.
  • Pencil: All ye children'll be goin' somewhere.
  • Yaretzi: Where?
  • Pencil: Ter Aunt Needle's cave!

[The children groan again.]

  • Citlali: Are you and Dad doing the thing again? [her eyebrows move up and down, indicating subtext]
  • Pencil: Wot? No! An' I certainly shan' be tellin' you lot. Now go, do, h'all o' ye! I have arranged someone to pick'ee h'up, a publically outsourced telephone-based taxi service.
  • Saye: You mean an "Over"?
  • Pencil: I'm cool! Anyway, yer car's arrived in three minutes, so ta'e wot's bes' o' ye.
  • Salvador: But—
  • Pencil: Hiss!

[Exeunt, hurriedly.]

  • Pen: [from the closet] Hiss, that's a new one.
  • Pencil: Pen, 's thet you?
  • Pen: Yeah.
  • Pencil: Wot's'ee doin' in the cupboard-thet's-literally-under-the-stairs? There's stories made fer thet, m8.
  • Pen: At first, going to look for a snack. But I wouldn't dare say to those kids that they're going back to Needle's house again.
  • Pencil: [sigh] Why not?
  • Pen: They might spoil Insanity once I tell them.
  • Pencil: Oi, you big softie, you 'aven' got a job.

[Citlali's about to exit her room, but she eavesdrops within.]

  • Pen: So? We've been doing this music video for so long that I couldn't binge-watch or else I'd have nightmares about... things.
  • Citlali: AAAAAAAA!
  • Pencil: Lallie, wot's wrong?
  • Citlali: Er... nothing! I've just found a spider in Mona's toy-box.
  • Pencil: Then tell'e not to come out until 'Alloween, okay? An' get ready!
  • Citlali: Yes, Mum!

Girls' room[edit source]

  • Citlali: [sing-songy] I've got a secret, it's really top-secret! Why did I rhyme "secret" with another word "top-secret"?
  • Ximena: Okay, spill it.
  • Saye: No need; we know, you've swapped our toothbrushes for the past few days.
  • Zorah: No, that was me!
  • Ximena: [making fake vomiting sounds in the background] Bleh!
  • Saye: [sigh] What is it then?
  • Citlali: I can't say.
  • Pencil: [from the kitchen] Kids, you ready?

Outside[edit source]

  • Citlali: This is the secret that I was overhearing Mum and Dad talk about.
  • Qalam-Rassas: Meh.

[Jump cut to the arrival of the car.]

  • Citlali: It has something to do with our being at Aunt Needle's house, yesterday and to—
  • Ximena: The car's here!
  • Stapy: Hi-ah!

[Inside the car.]

  • Citlali: —day... and I'm pretty sure you can't tell anybody the secret behind our parents.
  • Stapy: Cool, so what's the secret?
  • Citlali: I'm going to say. Want to hear? Want to hear?
  • Citlali: AAAAAAAAAH! I was just going to say that! You reading my mind, boy?
  • Salvador: You didn't say it; I did. Luckily, I was standing right in front of them.

[He looks upwards, as if carrying out a flashback.]

  • Zorah: [popping Salvador's train of thought] No flashbacks right now.
  • Sio: Come on, we've all got the right to flash forwards and backwards whenever we want.
  • Ximena: Not when you don't have the money!
  • Citlali: Well, we're totally rich.
  • Javier: I don't like when you swear.
  • Salvador: You know what?
  • Qalam-Rassas: [to Stapy] I'm sorry, we're poor.
  • Saye: [disdainfully] Yeah, to people in, like, Luxembourg.
  • Stapy: Do you always fight like this?
  • Zorah: Eh, there's nine of us.
  • Yaretzi: It was bound to happen.
  • Saye: I don't know these people. [Beat.] Wait, our parents are in a music video?
  • Citlali: Yes, and I want in. In!
  • Javier: They don't just let kids into music videos without a reason.
  • Salvador: What about that Radio Drowsy you listen to?
  • Javier: Shh!
  • Stapy: My SO works in a videography studio, specialising in folded paper animations.
  • Zorah: Tell your "esso" that we'll be there in a few minutes.
  • Salvador: Mr. Stapy, turn this car around!
  • Stapy: I'm sorry, but I am under legal obligation to bring you to your destination, which is... [reading from the phone] "Needle's Cave"? Is that the name of a pub?
  • Sio: No. Our aunt escapes federal surveillance and higher education there.
  • Stapy: I've always wanted a place like that.

Home[edit source]

  • Pencil: Ooh, wot's thet?
  • Pen: I should like to look my best if I want to be seen by everybody over Kenya. How do I look?
  • Pencil: Like an Dja’mesh Bonnid ripoff. An' you're loved already; schoolchildren salute'ee h'on our patriotic days. Why can't I wear somethin'?
  • Pen: You can; our formal clothing's somewhere in the back of our closet.
  • Pencil: Yay! You know 'ow much I love lookin' good fer the cameras.
  • Pen: Eh?
  • Pencil: The social media cameras, you h'innuendo-seekin' kid.
  • Pen: I know that, I was just implying that looking good was sort of my

[The doorbell rings.]

  • Pencil: Ah! Shiト! She's here!

[Pen opens the door. On the other side is Match, surrounded by a harem of familiar-looking people: Ingot, Bolty and Pine Tree.]

  • Match: Hello, hello, hello! I found guys.

[Ingot, Bolty and Pine Tree pose, as if waiting for a vaudeville act.]

  • Pencil: They're—
  • Pine Tree: Please. Let us introduce ourstyles as one would have done almost one cycle ago.
  • Pencil: I'll shut up.
  • Ingot: ♫ Hello, my baby—
  • Bolty: Hello, my honey—
  • Pine Tree: Hello, my ragtime, summertime gal—
  • Ingot: Send me a kiss by wire...
  • Bolty: By wire!
  • Pine Tree: Baby, my heart's on fire...
  • Match: THAT'S FIREY, WHO I ONCE FUקד Hahahahahaha! [snorts]
  • Bolty: Way to ruin the moment.
  • Pine Tree: I think there's a baby in the back.
  • Ingot: Teach it to speak Danish; I'm sure it'd love that.
  • Bolty: No siree, the baby needs to develop its sounds at a regular place. Teach it Hawaiian!
  • Pencil: Oi, do I know'ee lot? Feel like I've seen'ee before.
  • Pine Tree: I think we've gone to high school together.
  • Pencil: We 'ave?
  • Pen: Remember that day?
  • Pencil: I do, but I can't remember whe'er I've seen'ee h'er not.
  • Pen: Neither can I.
  • Match: Alright, everyone, let's all, like, shut up and let me direct you all!
  • Pen: Match, you said you wouldn't boss people around any more!
  • Match: Omg, stop freakin' talking back to me, you biץ׳! I, like, said that you're fired.

[Dramatic music sting.]

  • Pen: Hold on...
  • Pencil: Wot?
  • Match: That's right. This is my, like, video and you're not allowed to be in it.
  • Pen: What are you talking about?
  • Match: Like, schoolchildren salute you on their patriotic, like, days.
  • Pen: [to Pencil] Everyone says that and I never see it. I'll be up.


  • Pencil: [Aside.] 'E's 'opeless. [to Match] Well if me h'own can't make'e, then I quit too.
  • Match: You can't! You are, like, totally the star of the show.
  • Pencil: Star o' the show, eh? Do I get money?
  • Match: If I, I mean we win.
  • Pencil: Wow, this power thing's really gettin' to yer 'ead.
  • Match: I know. I, like, love being famous! Time to post something on PYM.
  • Pencil: Why?
  • Match: That guy wants to get something from me. You know, like, Cutebucketofc
  • Pencil: Okay, we filmin' soon?
  • Match: Like, yeah!
  • Pencil: So 'ow shall we start?
  • Pine Tree: Pencil, yoodle-ee-hoo... Be sat around the table—
  • Ingot: And we pose next to you.
  • Bolty: Eeeheeheeheeheehee.
  • Ingot: Match, come hither and take our photo 'round this babe!
  • Match: Ew, like, don't call my BFITAAPRAW a babe! She's fuקינג taken! By me!
  • Pine Tree: What's a, like, BF-something, bro?
  • Match: "Best-friend-in-the-alliance-and-probably-reality-as-well".
  • Pencil: So wot's this fer?
  • Match: Like, the beginning of this song has Penc-penc sat on a computer watching something, while, like, a harem of guys, like, surrounds her.
  • Pencil: Okay, so where's me computer?
  • Match: I think your husband's got it, like, now.
  • Pencil: Doin' wot?

[Jump cut to upstairs.]

  • Pen: [with his dress clothing next to him on the bed; he's on the phone] Betting on the football match.

Outside Needle's cave[edit source]

  • Yaretzi: Baadaye![7]

[All the children wave goodbye.]

  • Stapy: Have a nice day!
  • Saye: Oh, we'll try.

[The car speeds off.]

  • Ximena: Now to get searching!

[They all go on their phones to search for the newest music videos.]

  • Citlali: Why can't I find anything?
  • Sio: You need WiFi to survive.
  • Zorah: Nope, there are no new music videos with Mother or Father.
  • Yaretzi: How do you know?
  • Zorah: [reading] Top new music videos: Overgrown Shark, Bentham Goes to Nollywood, Kri$hna. Nope.
  • Saye: Hey, how do you have a connection?
  • Zorah: I use a hotspot.
  • Javier: I never knew you were old enough to use one.
  • Zorah: My password is a magical phrase that no earthly being can understand.
  • Salvador: Hot darn.
  • Sio: How about we make our own music video?
  • Javier: But how shall we do that, when Aunt Needle's—

[The door opens, and Needle appears.]

  • Needle: My sister's babies!

[A. R. I. They gather for a hug.]

  • Needle: Now lend me your mobile phones.

[They do so, Salvador struggling.]

  • Salvador: Curseword!
  • Needle: Come inside, I've got a lot of stories to tell you! This is the time I survived the Intercavernal Plagues...

Home[edit source]

  • Pencil: We've says our things an' done our doings, an' this bloke's on the ground fer no h'apparent reason... These people 'a'e been lookin' at me fer too long. Can I change the scene?
  • Match: Like, no! Okay people, like, change the scene.

[Quick change.]

  • Match: This is the part where I appear, a goddess who raps.
  • Ingot: You are a goddess, Match!
  • Bolty: Love you!
  • Pine Tree: We still up for dinner?
  • Match: [ignoring them] I know exactly what to, like, say.
  • Pencil: 'Ow've'ee suddenly got an idea o' wot to do fer this video? Jus' yesterday, you knew nothin'.
  • Match: Last night, when I was making out with Eraser and this other guy I met at the same time... it came to me.
  • Pencil: Match, don' says those things with the baby in 'ouse!
  • Cil: Goo!
  • Match: No, I mean I had a, like, euphoric dream. It was, like, beautiful.
  • Pencil: Go on...
  • Match: You will find out, like, later. Make me use your, like, washroom.
  • Pencil: [affected] Omg, I'm beggin'ee to do a po-po. [To the other boys.] I can't believes me to've says 'et.
  • Ingot: Say it again?
  • Pine Tree: Please!
  • Pencil: Oh, dear.

Needle's cave[edit source]

  • Needle: And there I was, huddled against the walls of my house, when suddenly the viruses burst into the building! They tore into everything with a brain, which, luckily did not include me.
  • Salvador: Can we use our phones now?
  • Needle: Stay, for that's when the story gets interesting. Now viruses are very unattractive creatures. Like, you'd have to be very desperate to ask one out for the school dance, eh, Saye?
  • Saye: Absolutely! Haha... Wake me up when it's done.
  • Needle: And I wasn't prepared at all for this, having no television whatsoever. Any questions?

[Q.R. raises his hand, as if in school.]

  • Qalam-Rassas: Have you ever watched a music video?
  • Needle: Yes, but it was a long, long time ago.
  • Qalam-Rassas: Do you know how to make one?
  • Needle: No. It's too much work.
  • Saye: Aunt Needle, do you find it okay if we should—
  • Needle: Let me guess, make your own music video to form a metaphysical rivalry with your parents who have been doing the very thing without telling you.
  • Sio: No, we were going to do... just that. How did you know?
  • Needle: You see, when I was dating Coiny—

Home[edit source]

  • Match: Part five on our journey to victory. Like, refining our dialogue.
  • Pine Tree: You mean, repining, lol!
  • Match: Omg good one! Can I sing that in the song?
  • Pine Tree: Get your own quotes!
  • Match: Oops, talk about, like, forests burning! [to Pencil] Girl, how's it, like, going on the wordplay?
  • Pencil: Shall I tell'ee me hones' opinion?
  • Match: Yes! Like, give me your honest-est opinion.
  • Pencil: Er... I don' like'e much.
  • Match: Omg, like, thanks! That meant—wait, what? You're my bestest BFITA—
  • Pencil: Oh Match, I'm yer bes' friend an' all, but you write lyrics worse than a ca'ewoman 'o'e ne'er seen the sun in 21,000 years.
  • Match: That's so, like, mean! I'm, like, asking your husband.

[Enter Pen, carrying some crisps.]

  • Pen: Asking husband what?
  • Match: What do you, like, think of my beautiful lyrics?
  • Pen: Match, if you say that it's beautiful...
  • Match: Like, steady on, boy.

[She hands him the lyrics and transcript for the music video.]

  • Pen: [half-laughing] Is this a set of song lyrics or an elementary school songwriting assignment?
  • Match: Give me that! And I'm taking your food, too!
  • Pen: Good idea, now I only have to jog less. Anyway, Match, I'm sorry to say this, but this is worse than what a cavewoman would write after not seeing the sun in 20,000 years.
  • Match: Ugh, why does everybody say that?

[The following is spoken in rapid succession.]

  • Pencil: No, I told'ee 21,000 years.
  • Pen: Why would you add the extra thousand?
  • Pencil: Ain' thet 'ow long ca'epeople lasted?
  • Pen: Yeah, but it'd make more sense to round down to 20,000.
  • Pencil: Unless you're aimin' fer dramatic effect.
  • Pen: That's when you'd be venturing into suspiciously specific territory.
  • Pencil: Ah-ha, nobody can says thet without bein' forced to clam up!
  • Pen: I just did—The Army specialises in tongue-twisters.
  • Pencil: 's thet true er'ee jus' made'e h'up?
  • Match: OMG, can you, like, not talk like that? I'm going to flirt with these boys. [calling out] Oh, boys?!

[The three other guys queue up behind Match.]

  • Match: You're going to like my lyrics, right?
  • Ingot: Oh, damn yes!
  • Pine Tree: We agree with almost everything you say, Match.
  • Bolty: WELOVEYOU!


  • Match: Now that's, like, what I like to hear. This dialogue is here to, like, stay!


  • Pencil: Shall we check up on the kids?
  • Pen: Nah, Needle's probably taken all their phones by now.

Needle's cave[edit source]

  • Needle: So what's the first thing you do if you want to make a music video?
  • Ximena: I saw it on WeweTubu: We find a popular song on the Internet and we sing the words, with the singer! But we're not actually singing!
  • Citlali: Oh yeah, I've seen that! There was this one girl whose channel is filled with her lip-synching the top 40. We need to copy her because she's cool.
  • Saye: Like you're one for copying, Lallie.
  • Citlali: Like you're one for copying, Lallie... Hey!
  • Qalam-Rassas: Here we go! Haha, I sound like Suped-up Marion's Brothers.
  • Javier: This doesn't seem legal...
  • Sio: What song shall we sing?
  • Zorah: Ooh! Ooh!
  • Ximena: It needs to be a song we all know.
  • Salvador: So no mythical incubations.
  • Zorah: It's mystical incantantions, get your facts straight.
  • Qalam-Rassas: How about the national anthem? Everybody knows that.
  • Saye: Yeah, but I don't want people to think that we're one of those kids.
  • Sio: We do have to salute our dad on our patriotic days.
  • Javier: And the mentioning of that is back.
  • Citlali: People, think. What is something that we always hear?
  • Ximena: That song we always hear on the radio?
  • Citlali: Ooh, yes! But which version do we sing? The "Huh" remix, the "Skah" remix, the "Huh" and "Skah" mashup, the platinum edition "Double Neep" version or the DJ FruityFruit version?
  • Salvador: Not DJ FruityFruit.
  • Sio: Why?
  • Salvador: He's got a stupid name.
  • Needle: I like the platinum edition version. It has a nice sound to it.
  • Sio: Then let's go make some music!

[The premiere of their music video, consisting of the children just repeating the words as the camera goes on them. Standard iMovie video effects plague the moving picture, mostly in a gratuitous way.]

Song: Unknown

Nee-neep. Nee-neep.
Nee-neep. Nee-neep.

I's a walkin' in the club,
And I walkin' in the streets,
I ain't walkin' in the club,
But I don't walk in the streets,
'Cause the streets are not the club,
No, the streets are a church club.

It's bloody tradimudification.

She was big, he was small,
He was big, she was small,
And a no one ever knew the meaning of the word "tall".

It's bloody trudibidicoration.

Fishy-fishy to you? Fishy-fishy to me!
Oh, your lies are found is books concerning history.

Why you don't know what I mean?
Why I do know what you mean?
But I don't know what you mean,
Nor do you know what I mean...
Flip flop, on the top
On the bottom, flonda Gotham,
Tripitaka, Mahayana,
Santa Ana in Havana,
There's a clicking and a scratching
And a scricking and a clatching

What a bloody turpicardivila-mikamaka-zitolpova-gardiflobipunipitation!


[Needle stares at the phone screen with horrified/shocked eyes. After all, the song was written within a few minutes.]

  • Needle: I... can't... even. That was awful!
  • Salvador: YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT?
  • Needle: I liked it dearly. It gave me awe.
  • Saye: Aw, we love you too, Auntie!
  • Yaretzi: Have we just made a perfect music video on our first try?
  • Sio: Well, it is what music sounds like these days.
  • Saye: One doesn't need to listen to the top 40 to understand what that means.
  • Javier: Yay, now we are the first people to ever do this sort of thing!
  • Ximena: You mean, by making our own modern-style music video, we're appropriating a poor Internet creator's work in making entertaining videos that have already been accepted within the pop music communeedy?

[Needle slaps the air.]

  • Needle: Don't call me Needy!
  • Sio: And we owe it all to Aunt Need-llllllle.
  • Needle: Aw, thank you, all of you, for such gratitude. I might just allow the cable guy to come into my cave and install a fat-screen television.
  • Zorah: Fat-screen, ha!
  • Needle: Now who is up for some party games from the 2000s? I fancy a game of Bananas to Pineapples, I don't know about you!
  • Ximena: Yay!

[Needle twitches a bit.]

  • Saye: Aunt Needle, a word? It's about your mental state.

[They go into the kitchen area of the cave, which isn't all that far from where the other children are.]

  • Needle: What's up?
  • Saye: My mum is worried about you. Like, really worried.
  • Needle: Really?
  • Saye: I heard her and Dad talking in the room last night.
  • Needle: Well, I surely didn't hear it, because I was not in their room last night.
  • Saye: Aunt Needle! They said they really want you to have a good life.
  • Needle: This is a good life!
  • Saye: No it's not.
  • Needle: To you, it might not be. But to me, it is wonderful. It's the loveliest thing ever! How many people do you think want to live in a cave?

[Awkward silence, punctuated by cricket sounds.]

  • Needle: Exactly.
  • Saye: But don't you want to see the world?

[An orchestral track plays.]

  • Needle: ♫ When one egresseth the world—

[Sound of a record scratching.]

  • Saye: Ow! My invisible ears! I'm sorry, but that's not how we do music nowadays.
  • Needle: How about we just go to the room and play B-to-P?
  • Saye: Okay.
  • Needle: I promise, slightly younger version of your mother. I'm sane.

[They return to their posts.]

  • Saye: Who's up for Bananas to Pineapple—

[Needle starts crying hysterically.]

  • Needle: eeEEEEeeeEeeEeeEeE! I can't take it any more!

[The children look at each other with concern.]

  • Qalam-Rassas: [Aside.] Let's pretend that never happened.

Home[edit source]

  • Match: Okay, like, what I'm going to do next is upload this, like, to the guy running the contest.
  • Pen: This ought to be good.
  • Pencil: Shh!
  • Pen: You didn't even edit it!
  • Match: Like, omg! Why the, like, like, like, like, would I edit myself? I'm the most beautiful person in the, like, world!
  • [ Bolty · Ingot ]: You sure are!

[Awkward silence towards Pine Tree.]

  • Pine Tree: Meh, she a'ight.
  • Match: [huffs in anger] Whatever, let's just get this thing, like, on the Internet for the whole world to see.
  • Pencil: Match, you're sendin'e h'as an attachment on the contest's website. Only some unfortunate chap'll got the liberty to watch somethin' like thet.
  • Match: I'm, like so padortunate!

[She presses the "Upload" button on the website, but it rejects her with the message: "We're sorry, but this file could not be uploaded."]

  • Match: [reading] "We're sorry, but this file could not be uploaded." AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
  • Pencil: Oi, girl, do calm down, please!
  • Pen: It says that they can't accept it because of the file type. You've sent it as a .abi, when they want a .mpiv.
  • Match: Mpiv, like, what the fuק is a .mpiv?
  • Pen: I don't remember the mnemonic we've learned in basic...
  • Pencil: It's a type o' video 'bout audio-visual compression.
  • Pen: Totally what I was going to say.
  • Pencil: Don' 'urt yerself.
  • Match: How do I make this thing a .mpiv?
  • Pencil: There's this website, where...
  • Match: I don't want to go on a, like, website unless it's to check one of my most recent PYM followers, Cutebucketofc
  • Pen: Okay, I think we get it.
  • Match: Maybe if I yell at the computer it will work.
  • Pencil: [half-heartedly] Maybe.

[Nothing happens.]

  • Match: I should, like, bribe it.
  • Pen: That could work.
  • Match: If you put this file on the, like, Internet, I'll give you a billion trillion shillings because I'm that rich.
  • Pencil: Thet's the spirit?

[The website does accept the file. Then the computer explodes. A.R.I.]

  • Match: Omg! It's gone! The thing is, like, gone! How am I going to live with myself?
  • Pencil: You're right... You can't live with yerself!
  • Pen: I guess we're going to have to do this the old-fashioned way.
  • Match: Eh?
  • Pen: Is Cil asleep?
  • Pencil: Aye.

[Awkward silence.]

  • Pen: We'll have to wait until tomorrow.
  • Match: NO! I DON'T WANT TOMORROW! THAT'S WHEN THE STINKIN' VIDEO'S, LIKE, DUE! I demand that you get Cil up! I need my music video to be most perfect thing ever, just like me is!
  • Pen: Wait, he's got a very specific sleeping sch—
  • Match: Omg, like, as if I care! He needs to upload my thing to his quoojibop, and I don't care how!

[She storms upstairs.]

  • Pine Tree: Psycho bleach.
  • Pencil: Wot shall we do?
  • Pen: Not much. She's not our kid.
  • Pencil: None of our kids 'a'e e'er done somethin' so much as crazy's thet!
  • Pen: She's gone upstairs now.
  • Pencil: Oh no. Now there's no way o' stoppin'e!
  • Ingot: Not if I save your baby girl.
  • Pen: Cil's a boy!
  • Ingot: Really? I just thought that Cil was short for "Silvia" or something. It's hard to tell if you don't teach your kids another—
  • Pencil: Oi, jus' geh h'up there an' save our son, eh?
  • Bolty: [going up with Ingot] Don't stoop down to her level.
  • Pen: He makes a fair point.
  • Pencil: Sorry! [to Pen] Not ter'ee.
  • Pine Tree: Why don't you want Cil to wake up?
  • Pen: One of my sons added an amplifier to his crib so he can communicate with us whenever we're not upstairs. If he wakes up, the following noise can result in some hearing damage.
  • Pine Tree: Damn, son! Don't worry, my boys have both got it covered.
  • Pen: Are you sure?
  • Pencil: If'ee wants, we can follow an' see the commotion.
  • Pine Tree: Okay.

[They endeavour to go upstairs.]

  • Pen: We're lucky that Cil's such a deep sleeper.
  • Pencil: An' thet 'e's learnin' to put 'is eyes an' mouth on all by 'imself.

Boys' room[edit source]

  • Match: Wake up! Wake up. [poke] Wake up. [poke] Wake up. [poke]


  • Pen: If Cil wakes up, he'll need some food.
  • Pencil: Good idea.
  • Pine Tree: Going down?
  • [ Pencil · Pen ]: Yes.

[In the room]

  • Match: Wake up. [poke]

[She turns around to see Ingot and Bolty standing behind her.]

  • Match: Oh. Hello, boys!
  • Bolty: ♫ A-one, a-two, a-seventy-five... Bum-bum-bum-bum.
  • Ingot: Wake him not, sister, for we love thee so!
  • Bolty: 'tis time for thee not to wake him up... oh!
  • Ingot: We know this song hath no effect on thee—
  • Bolty: But if thou lettest go, we'll go to Paris. ♫
  • Match: Omg, you're, like so hopelessly romantic with me!
  • Ingot: Thanks. It was all my idea.
  • Bolty: But I came up with the song.
  • Ingot: Nuh-uh, it was a tag-team thing.
  • Bolty: Why the hell have you said that it was all your idea, then?
  • Match: Like, boys! Don't fight! Visualite!
  • Bolty: Thank you.
  • Ingot: And thank you very much.
  • Bolty: Thank you more!
  • Ingot: Thank you—
  • Match: Next! Now it's time for me to poke the baby. [poke] Wake up. [poke] Wake up. [poke]
  • Pencil: Match, I h'am ashamed of'ee!
  • Match: Omg, like, so am I! You've created a son who can't wake up upon poking-ness-ness.
  • Pen: Are you insane? You know that trying to wake Cil up is like finding your way through a labyrinth and the middle's the end and the... what was that last part, Penc?
  • Pencil: It don' matter. Match, y'needs to go downstairs. You're actin' all strange!
  • Match: No, I'm, like, toxic.
  • Pine Tree: Is this how normal people fight?
  • Ingot: Beats me, I just came to sing Match a song.

[Everyone gasps.]

  • Match: Omg, like, you need to be QUIET!

[The three supporters "shh" her at the same time.]

  • Pencil: Let's jus' change the settings on the h'amp before Cil e'en's got a chance o' wakin' up.
  • Pen: Sure... Where is it?

[Cil's body, still idle from sleeping, begins to move.]

  • Pen: Oh no.
  • Ingot: I don't know which one?
  • Pine Tree: Why not ask your inventive son?
  • Pen: He can't use his mobile right now!
  • Pencil: 'E's gone to me sister's!
  • Ingot: Well this is a matter of circumstances, innit?
  • Pencil: I 'a'n' got time to be... wot's thet word?
  • Pen: Run!

[Everyone runs out of the room as Cil struggles to put his eyes and mouth on, the standard procedure for waking up among objects. The six of them—Pencil, Pen, Match, Ingot, Bolty and Pine Tree—hide themselves on the outside of the room. They stay there for a few minutes before realising.]

  • Pine Tree: Wait.
  • Match: Shh!
  • Pine Tree: You've said earlier that Cil is "learning" to put on his eyes and mouth, right?
  • Pen: Correct.
  • Pine Tree: Maybe he hasn't mastered it yet! Maybe he's really not that sma—

[He sees Pencil and Pen giving him dirty looks.]

  • Pine Tree: —ll that he could... do it... automatically? Maybe he's—

[Cil begins to cry, and due to the amplifier, it rings extremely loudly through the house.]


Needle's cave[edit source]

  • Ximena: And he was, like, "Oh, if you talk like that to me again, you get a red card!"
  • Salvador: Yeah, and I was like, "Hahahahaha, I'd like to see you try!"

[The sound of Cil's crying is heard in the cave.]

  • Sio: Oh my gosh... I hear...
  • Javier: It's Cil!
  • Yaretzi: Why are you hearing Cil?
  • Sio: Remember last year when I invented a baby monitor?
  • Salvador: I only remember a device used to get me buying stuff off the Internet so you can tell Pencil!
  • Zorah: Lighten up, that thing never caught me and I did it!
  • Sio: Anyway, it came with an amplifier feature—Everything that Cil does is made loud so Mum and Dad can hear him. I'm the only one who knows how to change the settings on that thing.
  • Zorah: Why not call Dad?
  • Sio: Phones.
  • Citlali: I know a way to call him.
  • Ximena: How?
  • Citlali: Needy!

[Needle tries to move her arms, but, again, she is restrained.]

  • Needle: Don't call me Needy!
  • Saye: That's not a Dad-caller; that's an Aunt Needle-caller! I know what to say: [loudly] What? There's a sale of Pen Schreiber postcards from when he was on BFDI? [to the others] How was that?
  • Qalam-Rassas: Terrible.
  • Saye: Thank you!

[Enter Pen, as quickly as he can.]

  • Pen: Kids!

[A. R. I. of shock.]

  • Sio: Dad, you called?
  • Pen: More like you called.
  • Sio: I know how to make the bed quiet!
  • Pen: Really?
  • Sio: It's the second rolling knob on the bottom of the crib, closest to my bed.
  • Pen: And that is...
  • Sio: To the right.
  • Pen: To the right, a destra, got it.


  • Pen: Why has Needle been stuck in a chair?
  • Javier: Oh, Father, we meant no harm. You see, Aunt Needle likes it like that. When she was dating Coiny, she would ask—
  • Pen: No need for details, thank you. Well, I'd better go now.
  • Qalam-Rassas: How you going to do that?
  • Pen: Same way I got here.

[He zooms away from the cave and back to the house.]

  • Needle: Your father is a strange man.

Home[edit source]

  • Match: Omg, like, why isn't Pen back yet?
  • Pencil: Oi, don' freak; I says 'e'd be back before you could say the word "continuation".
  • Match: Like, "continua—

[Enter Pen.]

  • Pen: I'm back!
  • Pencil: So, wot 'appened?
  • Pen: I need to find the second rolling knob on the bottom of Cil's crib!
  • Pine Tree: Is that where the the is located?
  • Pen: Precisely!

[As soon as he enters the boys' room, Cil stops crying. Everyone groans at that.]

  • Match: Yay, like, Cil's awake!
  • Pencil: At th' expense at mos' o' the neighbourhood's 'earin' capabilities.
  • Match: Omg, like, lighten up. When I win this competition, you're going to get the money. I said I'll share it with you and my newest follower.
  • Pencil: We don' need ter 'ear o' the cute bucket, m8!
  • Match: No, I got a new one. His name is 6000GargantuanBu
  • Cil: Goo!

[Pen carries Cil out of the room.]

  • Match: Omg, he, like, loves me! I knew I should have waken him up, because he loves me more than you people, like, haha!
  • Bolty: Insane troll logic!
  • Pen: Reality is out to lunch.
  • Match: Easy, you're the one who has run, like, a zillion kilometres.

Around where the computer once was[edit source]

  • Pencil: Are'ee sure you wants to do this?
  • Match: Like, yeah! I need that music video to be, like, done!
  • Pen: Just give Cil time.
  • Match: [groaning very loudly] Ugggh, what's this for?
  • Pencil: Our son will be able to draw wot 'e's seen durin' the video, an't will play as a .gef.
  • Match: You mean a .gef.
  • Pencil: I know wot I's said!
  • Match: Omg, this is, like, hopeless! I'm not going to, like, rely on a kid producer.
  • Pencil: Match, remember when you failed to make thet rap video fer that class?
  • Match: [realising] Never mind, like, Cil, you're doing very good!
  • Cil: Goo!
  • Pencil: 'E says, "Y'means well?"

[Match laughs maniacally.]

  • Pen: Ha?
  • Match: Not you, boy, the boys over there!
  • Ingot: Oh, er... we really have to go.
  • Pine Tree: I'm taking a course in Chinese opera.
  • Bolty: And I'm taking a course in... Ugandan opera.
  • Match: Okay, like, have fun! Now give me kisses.

[They awkwardly kiss Match goodbye before running out of the house.]

  • Match: Some people can be, like, so rude!

[She throws her diet Canadian pop bottle onto the drawing board.]

  • Pen: [picking up the bottle] I know how you feel. Now back up, I say, at once!
  • Match: [mockingly] Okay, Mr. War Commander.
  • Pencil: Listen, girl, these sorts o' things ta'e time.
  • Match: But I, like, need to send in my video before midnight tonight!
  • Pencil: So, jus' call 'em an' say thet you need an extension!
  • Match: Okay...
  • Pencil: If you need to shout, jus' go to the boys' room.
  • Match: I think I'll do, like, that.

[She runs upstairs. Pencil gets a text message on her phone.]

  • Pencil: Oh, an unknown number!
  • Pen: From whom?
  • Pencil: [smiling as if he were meant to know already] Someone unknown.
  • Pen: Tss...
  • Pencil: It says, [reading] "'Allo, this is the combined phone number o' h'Ingot, o' Bolty an' o' Pine Tree. We all wan' to thank'ee h'an' yer 'usband fer allowin' us to stay in yer 'ouse an' film the music video. On behalf o' Match, we'd like ter apologise fer leavin' without a proper farewell." [texting back] No problem, you've done our 'ouse proud! And send.
  • Pen: This is great! It's almost like you were there, which makes sense because we were actually there.
  • Pencil: Aye, our son can really do some realism.
  • Pen: And speaking of realism... [he points upstairs]

[Match goes down, off the phone.]

  • Pencil: Wot's 'appened?
  • Match: So I was, like, on the phone, right?

[Pencil nods.]

  • Match: Omg, so I, like, asked for an extension, like, like you told me, and the guy on the other end was, like, [crudely imitating] "Nyeeeeh, we can't give you any more extensions to the contest! I had to fire the guy from earlier." And I was, like, "Omg, you'd better make the deadline later!" And he was, like, "No." And I was, like, "But I'm rich! I can pay you so much right, like, now!" And he was, like, "Deal. You win the competition as long as I get 100,000 shillings." And I was, like, "Why?" And he was, like, "The sound of a baby in a nearby neighbourhood broke all our sound equipment."
  • Pencil: Omg! Thet's our boy!
  • Pen: He's wreaking havoc upon our communities.
  • Pencil: Should we be concerned?
  • Pen: Yes.
  • Pencil: Wait, an' Match, you've won the competition?
  • Match: Omg, like, yay! I'm a winner, yeah yeah yeah!
  • Pencil: Oi, thet "yeah yeah"-in's me thing.[8] An' anyway, they 'a'n' seen yer video yet!
  • Match: So? I, like, gave him money. That's all that matters. Everybody else is a sore, like, loser! Goodbye!

[She cartwheels out of the house, slamming the door in the process.]

  • Pencil: Yer sister is a strange woman.
  • Pen: It's moments like that where I must clarify that she's a stepsister.
  • Pencil: Aye.
  • Pen: Eraser must be either really stupid to date someone like that, or really smart to turn a bunch of guys from going exclusive with her.
  • Pencil: So wot's'e got there?
  • Pen: Only half of the way through a work of art.
  • Pencil: You're very talented, Cil, ain't'ee?
  • Cil: Goo!

[Pencil looks at the artwork that her son has created: the beginning of the music video, made as if it were a charcoal painting. Half of it is finished, so the scene is incomplete.]

  • Pencil: Shall I prepare dinner while you get the children?
  • Pen: Oh, they'll find a way to get h— [Pencil death-glares him] I'll start the car.
  • Pencil: Alright, bye!
  • Pen: Love you!


  • Cil: Goo!
  • Pencil: There's somethin' wrong with this picture. I look 'orrible with an 'eversed image! Cil, baby, you don't mind if I should change me face in yer... er, work o'—
  • Cil: [defiantly] Goo!
  • Pencil: I mean it's perfec' the way it is.
  • Cil: Goo.
  • Pencil: I've got ter edit video some'ow.

Needle's cave[edit source]

  • Needle: I have a phone call from your father.
  • Ximena: Yeah, we got the text!
  • Javier: And you've been using our own phones to be called.
  • Yaretzi: Passively.
  • Needle: W—you know—Whatever. Anyway, do you like television?
  • Sio: I do!
  • Needle: That's perfect! Did you know that last night, I called the cable guy to install a TV?
  • Qalam-Rassas: I did not know that.
  • Zorah: We were not informed of this happening whatsoever.
  • Needle: Well, come with me to the room of forbidden-ness.
  • Saye: Why do they call it that?
  • Salvador: I can take a guess.
  • Javier: Don't start.
  • Needle: Are you lot coming or what?

[A. R. I. The children walk in the direction of Needle to what is seemingly a wall.]

  • Ximena: We've reached a conversion.
  • Javier: The right word is gumpalsion.
  • Needle: I'd like you to meet a very special neighbour of mine, Minsley.

[She digs through the wall of soil.]

  • Needle: Well?
  • Citlali: Sorry, we're rich people.
  • Ximena: Who like to dig! Come on!
  • Qalam-Rassas: Yay!

[The children all dig to find Minsley, an anthropomorphic mouse who does not speak.]

  • Needle: This is Minsley. Minsley, my sister's children. Here's Saye, Sio—Oh my gosh, you have a new television!
  • Javier: That's funny! Who among us is called "Oh my gosh you—
  • Needle: Hey, look!

[The children see that Minsley is watching a show on the television.]

  • Salvador: What the hell, that's the new Insanity!
  • Citlali: I don't think it's been out yet; is it out yet?
  • Sio: The schedules can be tricky.
  • Zorah: Okay then.
  • Needle: Minsley, where did you receive that television set?

[A woop-woo sound coming from electromagnetic signals.]

  • Needle: He said he got it yesterday.
  • Qalam-Rassas: No way! You said the cable guy was going to—
  • Needle: Sh-sh, sh-sh.

[Another signal.]

  • Javier: You know what this means?
  • Ximena: By means of television can Needle's neighbour Minsley write millions of fanfiction stories?
  • Needle: It means that... It means that... What does it mean?
  • Javier: The television set that was originally going to be dispatched to you got sent to your next-door neighbour instead, and I'm sure the same has applied to the loads of other things that you have ordered.
  • Needle: Let's see about that, then. Minsley, do you mind

[Another signal. Silence.]

  • Salvador: WELL?
  • Needle: He says, "Come in."

[The children follow Needle into the other cave. Without a word, they find a whole assortment of things.]

  • Needle: Oh! My, my, my... everything! I can't believe it!
  • Saye: This is incredible!
  • Javier: This is insurmountable!
  • Zorah: [deadpan] This is terrible.
  • Needle: While I'm in my cave, under squalor and hideous conditions that would make those in deep poverty cringe, my next-door neighbour is living a life that I could have lived! No offence to you, Minsley.

[A signal.]

  • Needle: He says, "None taken."
  • Saye: Aunt Needle... Do you need time to think?
  • Needle: I don't think I want to live in this cave any more.
  • Saye: That's the spirit!
  • Needle: I'm going to pack... some of my stuff, which is another word for all of my stuff. Onward, children soldiers!
  • Ximena: Have you just said—
  • Salvador: Let it be.

[Needle and the children leave Minsley's cave and return to Needle's own, where they hear a knock on the door.]

  • Sio: Dad!

[He opens the door to find Pen on the other side.]

  • Pen: Hey, kids. And Needle.

[A. R. I.]

  • Ximena: Are we going home now?
  • Pen: Absolutely. How were our children, Needle?

[Needle slaps him.]

  • Needle: Don't call me—
  • Pen: Woah, woah, woah. I didn't even say the N-word.
  • Salvador: Ha, it's funny.
  • Javier: Don't be hypocritical here, when you're—
  • Needle: [to Pen] Oh, I know. I just haven't had the chance to slap you yet. My sister shouldn't get all the blame.
  • Pen: That's true, then.
  • Ximena: Aunt Needle, tell Dad the news!
  • Pen: What news?
  • Saye: Aunt Needle might be moving.
  • Needle: Yeah, I've just made a horrifying discovery. That television and a bunch of other stuff I ordered turned out to go to some other address that I do not live in.
  • Pen: That's amazing, Needle. So, are you going to live in a house in the city or the suburbs, or what?
  • Needle: Better. I'm moving to a cave-partment complex with GPS-recognised house numbers.
  • Pen: At least you're happy.
  • Needle: Amen.
  • Pen: Alright kids, say goodbye to your Aunt Needy!
  • Needle: [slaps him] Don't call me Needy!

[A. R. I. of goodbye.]

  • Needle: I'll see you on one of your next birthday parties!

[Exeunt. On the outside.]

  • Pen: Next stop, Nairobi.
  • Yaretzi: Three hours, here we come!
  • Zorah: Oh joy.

Home[edit source]

  • Saye: So, does Mum have anything waiting for us at home?
  • Pen: Sure, I'm sure she can come up with food for ten kids in three hours.
  • Citlali: [having incited the children] And... how is the work on the music video?
  • Pen: Oh, it's all— [feigning ignorance] What do you mean, music video?
  • Qalam-Rassas: It's a video.
  • Javier: For which there is a song.
  • Salvador: Easy, Pen, we know about this video.
  • Pen: I know nothing of what you're talking of.
  • Salvador: WE KNOW WHAT THIS IS!
  • Pen: [sighs] I can be quiet against the blinding light of the enemy, but to you kids, I'll reveal anything.
  • Sio: Dad, you have been working on a music video, and so have we.
  • Pen: Really?
  • Ximena: Is this why you don't want us to come inside?
  • Pen: Nope! Just wait until I tell you to come inside.

Inside[edit source]

  • Pencil: Oi, you're 'ere h'early.
  • Pen: It was easy to come home when your kids keep telling you to honk the horn at anyone passing by.
  • Pencil: An' the kids; shall we conceal wot we've been doin', er wot?
  • Pen: They know.
  • Pencil: Wot, you've told 'em?
  • Pen: They've known.
  • Pencil: Ah, wote'er. The whole filmin' an' shiト are done. O'er. Finito.
  • Javier: Is it safe to come in now?
  • Pencil: Aye, children!

[Intrant filii.]

  • Ximena: Wow, this place looks great!
  • Saye: I still don't know why we don't clean our rooms. Come on, girls.
  • Pencil: Wait! I'd like'ee to see somethin'.

[The children gather around Pencil and Cil, who can still be seen at the drawing-board.]

  • Yaretzi: Is this Cil?
  • Zorah: No, the President of Kenya. Yes, it's Cil! What's he doing?
  • Pencil: 'E's been drawin' our music video fer the pas' three hours.
  • Citlali: I don't need to be told twice.
  • Saye: So this is your video. Are you going to make it animate like that drawing song from before we were born? What did they call it, anyway?
  • Javier: The Taking of the I Upon?[9]
  • Saye: Yeah.
  • Javier: Other than that, it looks very good.
  • Sio: I knew I could believe in him.
  • Pencil: Thet's nice, acos 'e's only got one picture done.
  • Saye: How many are you drawing?
  • Pencil: Nothin' fer me; thet's a commission fer yer Aunt Match. She wants me to draw three minutes' worth o' still images.
  • Salvador: HOW MUCH WILL THAT—
  • Pencil: Oi, don't yell. You might make 'im cry.
  • Salvador: Well, he is a baby.
  • Javier: Omg, I've got the time!
  • Ximena: What is it?
  • Javier: If normal video resolutions are 30 frames per second, and the whole music video is three minutes, ergo 180 seconds, long, then Cil would be drawing for... 1.8 years.
  • Salvador: What's that in animal years, because, [taunting] that's what you are!
  • Pencil: Chavo, sit an' watch sport with yer father!
  • Salvador: Okay.


  • Citlali: I've a question.
  • Pencil: Wot's thet?
  • Citlali: Why didn't you invite me to the music video?
  • Saye: Really subtle.
  • Citlali: Okay, why not us?
  • Pencil: I suppose it's acos it was yer Aunt Match's idea.
  • Yaretzi: Well, that wasn't nice.
  • Pencil: The video's got a bunch o' boys dancin' in'e.
  • Ximena: Yikes.
  • Saye: Gosh no.
  • Citlali: I regret everything I've said. Were the boys cute?
  • Javier: Yeah, were they?
  • Pencil: Eh, they's jus' people from our 'igh school days.
  • Zorah: Moo.
  • Pencil: I suppose it's yer bedtimes yet?
  • Qalam-Rassas: Mum, we've just got home. And Daddy didn't get us anything to eat!
  • Pencil: [to Pen, who has been watching television] YOU NAUGHTY BOY!
  • Saye: Ha, that sounds like something Aunt Match would say.
  • Pencil: Not a word before the little ones. Alright, I suppose'ee should eat quickly an' it's straight to bed.
  • Javier: [whispering] There's no school tomorrow.
  • Pencil: An' you're off ther 'ook. I've done got to make an exception fer Cil, though. 'E'll be sleepin' as a baby'd tonight.
  • Sio: Oh, I don't know about that, after seeing what this is.

[The children look at the finished first frame: Match, carrying a phone and dressed as a blushing bride, surrounded by a harem of men.]

  • Sio: I would sell this to a museum, but they'd burn it.

Sunday, January 13[edit | edit source]

Home[edit source]

  • Pen: [on his phone] Honey, what words can I make with "ADEKMNOST"?
  • Pencil: "Don't ask me", 'n why d'ye keep playin' thet game if I know you're a cheat?
  • Pen: It stimulates the mind.
  • Pencil: So does an under-cap massage.
  • Pen: Something with passion.
  • Salvador: Ew, yuck!
  • Pen: Chavo, how long have you been here?
  • Salvador: Several years.

[A knock.]

  • Pencil: Match, 's thet you?
  • Match: Yes, I'm beautiful!

[Pen opens the door.]

  • Match: Omg, like, what are you doing? We're going to be, like, late for, like, church!
  • Pencil: An' a good 'ello to you.
  • Match: Like, Sunday Mass starts in five—
  • Pen: Match, what the flip are you talking about? Our family are Jewish!
  • Match: Sorry, like, the guy I had last night had to leave early because he wouldn't be awake for Our Lady of—
  • Pencil: 'Old on, 'old yerself, I know exactly wot you're sayin, an' let me tell'ee, the kids know.
  • Match: Know what?
  • Pen: The last election, Match.
  • Pencil: 'E means the music video.
  • Match: Omg, yeah! So where's the video?

[Pencil and Pen look at each other, concerned.]

  • Pencil: About the movin' picture... Pen, fetch the drawin'.
  • Pen: Right-o.
  • Pencil: 'Tis under Cil!

[He sprints up the stairs.]

  • Match: [scoffing] Your man, like, always being the hero. Why is it that when I tell Eraser to get something as close as, like, the TV remote, he always grumbles and, like, whines?
  • Pencil: No offence, but yer man jus' ain't as good as mine's.

[Enter Pen with the drawing. It has clearly grown overnight.]

  • Pen: Wow, I think this has become heavier.
  • Pencil: Wot, thet's crazy!

[Pencil carries the drawings.]

  • Pencil: Aye, this is 'eavier than Avi's copy o' the Kenyatta'r English Dictionary.
  • Match: Omg, this is, like, amazing!
  • Pen: Really?
  • Pencil: Match, you've got to know—
  • Match: I owe it all to, like, Cil. If it weren't for him, I would have, like, never known how beautiful I was!
  • Pencil: Match, girl—
  • Match: Oh, and there's a note at the bottom!
  • Pencil: A wot now?
  • Match: [reading] "Press this and the link of your song's video at the same time." Omg, he, like, instructivised! He really knows how to make me feel like a woman.
  • Pen: That's our son.
  • Match: Sorry. I've dated artists, like, before and they were from my age to three times that.
  • Pencil: [sarcastically] Lovely. But wot's this do with—

[Match does so.]

Notes[edit source]

  1. At the Kwanzajinawa, they would have read from the libretto styles popular during that period, while in BFDI, they were exposed to the words literally flying into their eyes. To see a screenplay in its original format would be a shock to them.
  2. Marked with the degree symbol (°)
  3. She's unaware that there are 24 hours in a day.
  4. BFB VIII 1014
  5. (Sw.) "Younger sister."
  6. Referring to the dialogue tag in the chronological list of episodes.
  7. (Sw.) "Goodbye!"
  8. II 0426
  9. In a so-called deleted scene, most of the popular songs of old Kenya were smuggled into the country in their back-translated forms.
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