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This page is quite redundant. It is also non-canon in every way, as TPOT 1 is currently the only canonical episode in the series (as of August 2021 when this was written).

Author's note: Hi! If you've come here from somewhere else, you should definitely check out at least one of these first:

This is just a fun little experiment to see what the script of TPOT 1 would look like if the author was responsible for the formatting. I have tried to stick as closely as possible to the original, as I watched both the official transcript and the official video at the same time. But there will be some "Yterbisms" that might confuse some who are unfamiliar with the other things I've written. I will also make some comments on why I have or have not mentioned things that are clearly shown in the video.

With that being said, let us begin.

Fake TPOT 1: "You Know Those Buttons (Don't Do Anything, Right?)"[]

"You Know Those Buttons (Don't Do Anything, Right?)"[1] is the non-canon first episode of TPOT by Jacknjellify. It was released on 10 January 1973. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 1 comes out.

Previous episode: "The Escape from Four" (Season 4, video)
Next episode: "Horseback Lightswitch"

Cold open[]

Outside the hotel[]

Four: What if I add back the original BFDI as a prize?

[The scene continues to play.] [No mention of the "Happy Flower" recommended character, as with the other RC's of the episode—I wouldn't have known!]

  • Yellow Face: [gasp] Maybe we should switch back!
  • Fanny: I won't!
  • Yellow Face: Wha? Why not?
  • Fanny: Four has reinstated the prize after we thought it was gone for good! He has betrayed our trust! How can we know he won't just change the prize again and again and again?!
  • Everyone: Yeah. [Wouldn't have got too detailed with the specific characters in this scene. Good on ya, animators!]
  • Fries: You have the spirit of a leader, Fanny, and I admire that! But do you really think Two is doing any better? Think of all the time we've spent waiting to compete. The promise of limitless power dangling over our heads. We're dying to get started.

[Huc teleportat Two.]

  • Two: Well, why didn't you say so?

[Everyone screams.]

  • Two: [claps] Hush, now. I'm talking. [clears throat] Anyway... [I rarely write "anyway" as "anyways", even though that's just how people say it.]

[Two floats to the top of the hotel roof.]

  • Two: It's time for Cake at Stake!

[View of all the contestants and the 1971 batch of contestants-hopeful standing around, confused. They cannot hear Two at the top of the building.]

  • Fries: What?
  • Two: I said, it's time for Cake at Stake! Get them up for me, Nickel.
  • Nickel: Huh?
  • Two: [sigh] Never mind.

[Two uses their powers to send everyone to the top of the hotel.]

Cake at Stake[]

Roof of Two's hotel[]

  • Nickel: Wait, why are we doing Cake at Stake?
  • Two: Don't worry, I'll remind you! [as a diagram shows] Last time, 59,151 voters [I was lucky here and in TPOT 2 that the number of votes was known... won't happen in future episodes.] voted on these twenty-six newbies, so that one of them could join you forty other people here to compete for The Power of Two!
  • Nickel: Oh, now I remember!
  • Two: Good for you. [Pause.] So let's get started. If you got the most votes, you get to join my show! And, you'll also get this... er... purple tomato!

[Everyone gasps.]

  • Two: Everyone got at least two hundred votes.
  • Clock: That's good to know—
  • Two: Just kidding! Rubber Spatula only got 177, ha! No debut for you.
  • Rubber Spatula: I can't believe it. Nobody likes me!

[Ad frontem graditur Pen.]

  • Pen: Don't look at it that way! Over a hundred people liked you more than anyone!
  • Rubber Spatula: You're right.
  • Pen: [puts TV in front of him] [Genders for failed debuters are headcanon.] Here! Now you can tell them how thankful you are.
  • Rubber Spatula: Oh, okay! [breathes in] Thank you so much...

[Rubber Spatula reads the names of all the people who voted for him. Since there are 177 people, he reads very quickly.] [I wouldn't know this either.]

  • Two: [as this happens] Hurry up. [Beat.] I said, hurry up!

[Rubber Spatula breathes out.]

  • Rubber Spatula: Ooh, okay.
  • Two: You finished?
  • Rubber Spatula: Yep.
  • Two: Okay, bye-bye, then.

[Two claps, sending Rubber Spatula through the tile on the ground. As is typical for BFDI fashion, everyone gasps a few seconds after this happens.]

  • Two: Now, let's see who else won't be joining the game. Shampoo, you only got 240 votes, so you're out too.
  • Shampoo: Two hundred forty? I want to thank my voters too. [Shampoo breathes in.]
  • Two: [as this happens] No, stop that.

[Two claps, sending Shampoo off as well.]

  • Two: Sinky, Scizzy and Drummy, none of you made the cut!

[Kitchen Sink, Scissors and Snare Drum are sent off.]

  • Scissors: [before falling] Hey, I make cuts all the time!
  • Two: Grr! [claps again]
  • Scissors: Aaaaaaaaaah!
  • Two: Shelly, Mikie and Clappy...
  • Clapboard: Looks like it's curtains for us.
  • Two: Looks like it's curtains for—

[Two looks sad that Clapboard told a joke before they could. Clapboard claps.]

  • Two: Right, sorry about that.

[Two sends Conch Shell, Boom Mic and Clapboard off.]

  • Camera: See you in post production!
  • Two: Now, everyone left got at least a thousand votes!
  • Clock: You're not joking this time, right?
  • Two: Don't you trust me, Clock?
  • Clock: Um, of course not.
  • Two: Well, prepare to get over it because Leek got 1,014 votes!
  • Leek: Aw, no nickname for me?
  • Two: You're not leek-ing, are you?

[Two sends Leek off.]

  • Two: 9-Ball, you only got 1,033 votes.
  • 9-Ball: That number sounds hard to spell, not that I would care about that.
  • Two: Cammy, Blendy and Onigiri-ee... you didn't get in, either.
  • Camera: This is embarrassing, hide me!

[Blender, who understands English but does not speak it, takes the lens cap out of the mouth of Onigiri and puts it over Camera expressionlessly. Two sends them all off.]

  • Two: Now, there are just thirteen of you left! We're halfway through!
  • Discy: Finally!
  • Two: Oh-ho-ho, eager now, are we?
  • Discy: Um, yeah.
  • Two: Well, I'm going to make you wait for it.

[Awkward silence.]

  • Two: Discy's out! No more waiting!
  • Discy: Wait!

[Two sends Discy off.]

  • Two: VHSy, Taxy, Salty Lampy and Pee-ee-dee-ee-ay-ee, you guys didn't get in-y, either-y!
  • Income Tax Return Document: You'll pay for this, Two!
  • PDA: Yeah, and we won't help you figure out how much!

[Two sends VHSy, Income Tax Return Document, Salt Lamp and PDA off.]

  • Two: You think I need help? I know how to use a pencil.

[In the audience, Ice Cube looks more and more angry.]

  • Cloudy: What's wrong, Ice Cube?
  • Ice Cube: Pencil—

[View of the final eight in their little backgrounds.]

  • Shopping Cart: Yeah, final eight!
  • Everyone: Yeah!
  • Two: Anchor is next to leave with only 2,265 votes.
  • Anchor: Up-up-up, no need to clap. I got this.

[Anchor jumps and is sent off by the force of his weight.]

  • Two: Thanks. Tapey.

[Foldy gasps melodramatically.]

  • Basketball: No, no, Foldy, not Stapy. Tapey.
  • Foldy: [disappointed] Oh.
  • Two: Time to fall through the floor!

[Two opens the floor thing and Tape hangs on cheekily.]

  • Tape: Ha-ha! Looks like you're stuck with me!
  • Two: Uh-huh, right.

[Two untapes Tape from where they are hanging, and they fall through the floor.]

  • Two: Shoppy Cart?
  • Shopping Cart: Aw, looks like I didn't get in.
  • Two: [concerned] Oh hey, I never said that!
  • Shopping Cart: So I win?
  • Two: Um...
  • Shopping Cart: Figures.

[Two sends Shopping Cart off.]

  • Two: Battery and Avocado, you—
  • Avocado: We're out. Yeah, maybe you should learn a thing or two about suspense.

[Avocado and Battery jump off themselves.]

  • Two: [puts their hands on their head] Ah! [happy again] Hmm, suspense, eh? Alright. There are three of you left! Only one of you will be joining the game.
  • Nickel: Huh, three of them? But I only see two.
  • Two: I'm flattered you find me so attention-grabbing, Nickel. But the final three is over there!
  • Nickel: But—
  • Two: Hang on. Winner and Taggy, can you make some room for Nonexisty?

[Winner and Price Tag walk off a bit in opposite directions.]

  • Two: There. Now he's bigger.

[Awkward silence.]

  • Price Tag: What?
  • Two: The next one out is... Taggy.

[Two claps, sending Price Tag off.]

  • Price Tag: This is so cheap!
  • Two: They only got 4,907 votes.

[The spotlight shines on Winner and Nonexisty.]

  • Two: Nonexisty and Winner. You are the final two! So who's it going to be? Let's see the results.

[Drumroll, revealing that Nonexisty got the second-highest number of votes (5,697) and Winner got the highest.]

  • Two: With 15,762 votes, Winner joins the game!

[Fanfare as the text "Winner joins the game!" appears on the screen.]

  • Two: Here's your purple tomato.
  • Winner: Thanks.

[Winner grabs the purple tomato mangosteen with their arm and eats it through their backside.]

  • Winner: Mmm! Tasty.
  • Two: Now you get to join the forty other people, and—wait. Forty plus one is... it's forty-one!
  • Winner: What's wrong with forty-one?
  • Two: [shocked] Forty-one is a... a prime number!
  • Winner: Are those, like, illegal where you're from?
  • Two: What? Even I'm a prime! [I wouldn't have expected the random text over their head, heh.]
  • Tennis Ball: You mean, I'm a even prime!

[Awkward silence.]

  • Tennis Ball: What? What's wrong with prime numbers?
  • Fanny: They're impossible to divide up evenly!
  • Two: Yeah, exactly! There can't be a prime number of you, because that means the teams won't have an equal number of people! [Eeeeeeeh, I don't want to be a prescriptivist, but I think Two would say "number" instead of "amounts". They are a number, after all.]
  • Golf Ball: [as a mathematical diagram appears above her head] Well, the nearest composite numbers are forty and forty-two. None of us want to quit, so we'll have to add somebody! Why not go with the second most voted person from the pool of joiners?
  • Two: That's a great idea! Thanks, Golf Ball! [Aside.] Okay, so the forty-second person should be... [Aloud.] Nonexisty.

[Jump cut to Winner, now a contestant for sure, standing with the others.]

  • Two: Let's see: forty-one plus zero equals forty-one. [Aside.] Well, that wouldn't work, so we can't do that. Guess we'll have to go with the third placer instead!

[Two retrieves Price Tag from the bottom of the hole through which they fell.]

  • Two: Taggy, welcome to The Power of Two!
  • Price Tag: Oh yeah! I take back all the things I said about Winner while I was down there!
  • Two: Um, just to be sure, you do equal one, right?
  • Price Tag: I can if you want me to!

[Price Tag makes a "$1" expression.]

  • Two: Great! Then that means we have forty-two contestants now! Now, let's head downstairs for team picking.

[Exeunt omnes through the bathroom door.]

Team picking[]

Elevator[]

  • Nickel: So, how many teams do you think we'll have?
  • Two: Let's go with... six teams of seven!

Outside the hotel[]

  • Two: Okay, have fun making your teams!
  • Donut: Well, I know I'm sticking with Barf Bag.
  • Naily: And I know I'm sticking with Bomby.
  • Donut: Cool, so do you want to stay on the same team?
  • Naily: No.

[Naily and Bomby walk off from Donut and Barf Bag. Over each team-esimal is a number, signifying how many people are on each team.]

  • Donut: [disappointed] Oh. Okay.
  • Coiny: [gasp] Donut's got so many free spots left on his team! [makes big eyes] You know what this means?
  • Pin: Uh...

[Coiny puts his arms around Pin and Needle.]

  • Coiny: It means we're getting the bunch back together! Come on! [runs towards Donut]

[Meanwhile. Clock looks in one direction. Enter Cake and Eggy, who is in the background.]

  • Cake: Hey, Clock, what are you looking at? [He sees that Clock is drooling in a state of infatuation] Clock? Uh, hello?
  • Clock: It's... it's Winner!

[Clock spies on Winner scratching their captain's quarters.]

  • Clock: You guys remember Winner, right?
  • Cake: Uh...
  • Eggy: Winner? Who the egg is that?
  • Clock: Come on, don't tell me you don't know about them! [He begins to narrate a flashback visualized by a little cartoon.] Way back at the start of Loser's career, Winner and Loser were a duo! They performed together, toured together, ate chicken nuggets together. At some point, Loser went solo and hit the mainstream, but Winner... well, they just faded into obscurity. [End flashback.] But only a true Loser fan would know that.
  • Eggy: Eh, I'm more into Loser's recent work anyway.
  • Clock: What? You're not seriously passing up this opportunity, right? Well, suit yourself, but I'm not going to miss out.

[Exit Clock.]

  • Cake: Wait! You two are my friends! You can't split up!
  • Eggy: Cake, we never ever do things together. It's okay.

[Eggy walks off. Cake makes a noise of sadness.] [See the commentary at the top... who is Sad Cake again?]

  • Naily: Wow, Cake, that was rough. Want to join my team?
  • Cake: [sniffles] Yes!

[Meanwhile.]

  • Tennis Ball: Can I stick with you, Golf Ball?
  • Golf Ball: Despite your grammatical error from earlier, you are a true friend and I appreciate your loyalty. Let's team up.
  • Tennis Ball: Yay!
  • Basketball: [noticing] Ooh, can I stick with you too, GB?
  • Golf Ball: [less impressed] Fine.

[Enter Puffball.]

  • Puffball: Hey!
  • Basketball: Huh?
  • Puffball: Don't think I forgot about last time! You guys teamed up because you're all balls. Well, I'm a ball too, and you didn't even think of me!
  • Basketball: Oh, gosh, Puffball, I'm sorry. We didn't really mean to—
  • Puffball: I don't care! I'm joining this team...
  • Basketball: 'Kay.
  • Puffball: Whether you like it, or not.

[Enter Fries. Eraser trails behind him.]

  • Fries: If Puffball's on this team, I'm joining too.
  • Eraser: If this is where the free food's going to be now, I've got to be on this team.

[As this team team has now amassed six members, Pen looks at his brother.]

  • Tree: Alright, Death P.A.C.T., there are seven of us already, so we can basically just stay the same team.
  • Remote: Great idea.
  • Black Hole: Cool.
  • Bottle: Okay!
  • Pie: Sounds like a plan. [Never occurred to me that more than one person could say different things at the same time.]
  • Pen: [rubs the back of his head] Um...
  • Pie: Come on, Pen, don't you want to keep preventing death with us?
  • Pen: Well, it's just, I...
  • Pie: [points, accusingly] Or are you a murderer?
  • Pen: I'm not a murderer! I just want to—
  • Pie: When you joined this team, you pledged to prevent death with us.
  • Pen: That's weird; I don't remember a pledge.
  • Tree: Oh, that's right. Weren't you the last person to get picked for a team... and we just took you in?
  • Black Hole: Ah, yeah, I remember that.
  • Pen: Hey, y'know—
  • Pie: Has Pen even prevented death at all?
  • Remote: Not that I remember.

[By now, Pen looks like he is on the verge of tears. The other team members don't seem to notice.]

  • Pen: Buh! Ff—fine! Oh, well, I was leaving anyway! Later, haters!

[Pen runs off to no applause. Enter Fanny, smiling.]

  • Fanny: Did someone say "haters"?
  • Tree: [noticing that Pillow has suddenly disappeared] Wait, where's Pillow?

[Pen runs to Golf Ball's team. Being quite the temperamental one, he instantly changes his mood from despair to a melancholic brand of happiness.]

  • Pen: Eraser, guess what? We get to be on the same team again! [They high-five. Pen looks into the distance and it looks as if he's saluting, but with his left arm instead of his right.] [That's how you know this page is Yb-formatted: excessive detail is given to the actions of the Pencil/Match/Pen trio] Now, where's Blocky?
  • Eraser: [extremely deep voice] He left us. [puts his hand over his heart]
  • Pen: What do you mean?
  • Fries: He means that Blocky stayed behind with Four to battle for a BFB! But it doesn't matter anyway, because our team already has seven members.
  • Golf Ball: What? The team is complete? I can't believe we ended up with so many useless people!

[About half the team look offended by this.]

  • Basketball: Don't worry, Golf Ball, I know how to solve your useless people problem.

[She approaches Robot Flower and Grassy.]

  • Basketball: Hey, d'you two want to be on a team?
  • [ Grassy · Robot Flower ]: [ Yeahw · Yes! ]

[Exeunt Robot Flower and Basketball together. Grassy sits on Basketball's head, bouncing. There is now one spot left on Golf Ball's team.]

  • Golf Ball: Yes, a free spot! TV, want to join?
  • TV: Okay.

[Meanwhile, Yellow Face and Cloudy are talking to each other. Enter Rocky.]

  • Yellow Face: And for a limited time, if you—

[Rocky kicks Yellow Face lightly in the badunkadunk.]

  • Yellow Face: Huh?
  • Cloudy: Rocky, are you asking to team up?
  • Rocky: Mm-hmm!

[Meanwhile.]

  • Saw: [sad] Aw, I miss Lollipop and Taco.
  • Gaty: Don't worry, Saw, I'm still here for you.

[Enter Book.]

  • Book: Can I stay with you guys too—
  • Gaty: Oh, uh, hey, Book, listen... I know you're trying to be better, but maybe you should find some new friends to be better at.
  • Book: [as Gaty and Saw walk off] Okay.
  • Gaty: Alright, Book, see you around!
  • Book: [gives her the thumbs-up, which might be considered offensive in Saw's Arab culture] Yeah. [looks away] Ice Cube, do you want to—
  • Ice Cube: Hmmph!

[Exit Ice Cube.]

  • Book: Okay, then! New friends, huh? Hmm...

[Suddenly, Pillow appears and flips through Book's pages rapidly.]

  • Book: Ouagh! Uh, what's happening?

[Meanwhile, Clock and Winner have already joined up. Enter Ice Cube, half-smiling. Winner pogs at this tiny specimen.]

  • Clock: , Icy, we're still in a truce, right? Want to team up?
  • Ice Cube: Yeah!
  • Winner: Nice to meet you.

[Meanwhile.]

  • Gaty: Hey, Barf Bag, d'ye want to team up 'cause we're all zigzags?
  • Barf Bag: Sure, lol.
  • Lightning: [noticing] But... I'm a zigzag too.
  • Snowball: [put his arm around him] Don't worry, Lightning! You have me!
  • Lightning: I don't really... want you.

[Lightning flies off.]

  • Price Tag: You guys seem cool!
  • Naily: You seem pretty epic yourself. But just to be sure... can you do this? [makes a >:3 face] Wm!
  • Price Tag: [does the same] H-hmm!
  • Naily: You're in!
  • Price Tag: Yes!

[Enter Snowball, to the eye-roll-itis of everyone else.]

  • Snowball: I'm joining too! You seem pretty tough even though you're armless...
  • Naily: What do arms have to do with anything?

[Naily kicks Snowball off into the horizon.]

  • Snowball: Aooooooooooh!
  • Price Tag: Good riddance!

[Snowball falls out of the sky.]

  • Snowball: Oh, oh, I can't believe it! I've been owned!

[Ominous sting. Meanwhile.]

  • Bell: Hey, um, Foldy! Want to make a team together?
  • Foldy: Oh, of course!

[Enter Marker.]

  • Marker: I'll join Foldy!
  • Bell: Ugh.

[Bell flips Marker off. He flies through the air and lands in front of Lightning.]

  • Marker: Hej, Lightning, want to be friends? ["Hej" in Danish is pronounced more like "hi" and not "hey" as in Swedish/English, but it sounded quite like a "hi" to me.]
  • Lightning: Oh, now you're interested?

[Meanwhile.]

  • Robot Flower: Basketball! I'm impressed that you stood up to Golf Ball like that!
  • Basketball: Ooh, thanks! I mean, she was just being a total—
  • Robot Flower: This will be your first time on a team with no other balls!
  • Basketball: [noticing] Hmm... well, Eggy looks kind of like a ball!
  • Eggy: What did you just call me?
  • Basketball: Um, I just meant, I'd like to have you on my team!
  • Eggy: Alright.
  • Basketball: And you know what? I think I want those two as well.

[Basketball and Eggy see Foldy and Bell smiling coyly.]

  • Eggy: Good choice.
  • Basketball: Cool. One spot left. Got to make it count.

[Meanwhile, on Winner's team. Enter Cloudy, Rocky and Yellow Face.]

  • Cloudy: Winner! Are you also a cloud? I've never collected more of myself before!
  • Winner: I'm not a cloud; I'm Winner.
  • Cloudy: So you don't want to connect teams?
  • Winner: Ah, connect. I thought you said collect. Yeah, of course we can connect teams! I was just worried because I thought you were going to collect me!—a-ha-ha-ha-ha!

[Winner and Cloudy laugh awkwardly, the latter in French.]

  • Yellow Face: This team is going to be so much fun!

[Yellow Face's utterance of the word "fun" echoes in Bottle's surface.]

  • Bottle: Pie, are we here to have fun?
  • Pie: We're here to prevent death.
  • Bottle: Eh, more like prevent joy! I'm going to go where the fun. [joins Winner's team] That's the team for me!
  • Tree: Bottle, you can't be serious about this.
  • Bottle: [happy] Uh, yeah! That's why I'm switching!

[Tree facepalms. Meanwhile, Pillow is still looking through Book. She closes her, satisfied with what she has seen.]

  • Book: Oh, Pillow! Was that you? You know, I would appreciate it if you didn't suddenly read me like that.
  • Pillow: Don't worry! I wasn't reading you.
  • Book: Then why—
  • Pillow: I was just looking at the pictures.
  • Book: Well, anyway, I think we should find a team to join. I don't want to be picked last!
  • Pillow: How's this one? [points at Naily's team]
  • Pillow, Naily, Price Tag: [making the >:3 face] Hm!
  • Book: Oh. Oh, this is great! Bomby and I go way back. Remember all those days we spent cranking the HPHPRCC?
  • Bomby: Uh, kind o'?
  • Book: [grabbing Nickel] Nickel! You were there too, right? Remember cranking?
  • Nickel: Yeah, it sucked.

[Meanwhile, Death P.A.C.T. are walking towards Lightning and Marker.]

  • Tree: Hey, does anyone want to prevent death with us?
  • Lightning: Do I have to be good at preventing death?
  • Tree: No, we accept students.
  • Lightning: Why didn't you say so before?

[Meanwhile.]

  • Eggy: Still thinking about who our final teammate will be?
  • Basketball: Uh, yeah. Why?
  • Eggy: I have some... bad news for you.
  • Basketball: Hm, what is it?
  • Eggy: There's only one person left.
  • Basketball: Well, I'm sure whoever it is, they're going to be just—heeuegh.

[Enter Snowball.]

  • Snowball: So this is my team, huh?
  • Golf Ball: [taunting] Ha, ha! You're stuck with Snowball!
  • Basketball: Grr!
  • Snowball: [stamping his foot on the ground] I'm not going to lose my dignity that easily! To uphold my honour, our team must be...

Team naming[]

  • Snowball: THE STRONGEST TEAM ON EARTH.

[Bouncy, brass-filled jingle. The logo appears above this team of Bell, Robot Flower, Grassy, Foldy, Snowball, Eggy and Basketball.]

  • Lightning: Oh, are we picking team names now? What should we use?
  • Black Hole: Isn't it obvious? Let's just be DEATH P.A.C.T. AGAIN.

[Remix of the original 1969 "Death P.A.C.T." jingle (which itself is a remix of the Windows fanfare sound). The logo appears above this team of Black Hole, Fanny, Marker, Pie, Tree, Remote and Lightning.]

  • Pen: Ooh, ooh! I want to be "Death P.A.C.T. Again" too! That team name is aweso—
  • Golf Ball: Pen! They're already Death P.A.C.T. Again. Our team name will have to be—

[As this happens, the words "our team name will have to be" appear on TV's screen. Golf Ball freezes for a second. Tennis Ball approaches her.]

  • Tennis Ball: ARE YOU OKAY?

[Floaty, Wii-like jingle. The logo appears above this team of TV, Eraser, Pen, Golf Ball, Tennis Ball, Fries and Puffball. Golf Ball falls to the ground.]

  • Coiny: I mean, duh! We've got to be "W.O.A.H. Bunch", right?
  • Gaty: What? That's so stupid, Coiny, we're not "W.O.A.H. Bunch", we're "The Zigzags". [sudden cross-talk] You know, because I have a zigzag, and Saw has a zigzag, and, and, and Barf Bag has a zigzag, and you know, if we're to be—
  • Coiny: [at the same time] Hey, no! "W.O.A.H. Bunch" is a good name! That's the name we've had and I think if you thought that you were going to make a mess out of that, what with you telling us to be called—
  • Pin: [at the same time] Part of me agrees with Coiny, but I also like being called "W.O.A.H. Bunch", but no one seems to know that all this time, we could try to be—
  • Needle: [at the same time] Kind of rude of you to say like we're all going to go with this. It's just, like, I wanted you to think of the biology— [Yeah, I just improvised despite the captions being right in front of me.]
  • Saw: [at the same time, emphasized over all the arguing] Hey, hey now, hey. Come on, stop fighting; we're TEAM8s!

[Another bouncy jingle. The logo appears above this team of Needle, Pin, Coiny, Donut, Barf Bag, Gaty and Saw.]

  • Clock: Let's be called "The Winners!"

[Jaunty waltz-like jingle. Winner looks a bit sad.]

  • Winner: Uh, I'd rather not have my name in the team name, actually.
  • Clock: Oh. Oh, okay.

[The same jingle, but part of it has been muffled as the name "Winner" has been obscured. They are called THE S! and they are Cloudy, Bottle, Clock, Winner, Rocky, Ice Cube and Yellow Face.]

  • Price Tag: These team names are so stupid. Is it always like this?
  • Cake: Pretty much.
  • Book: [as Pillow pretends to speak as her in the background] Don't worry, Taggy! As long as everyone stays careful, we aren't going to have a name like that!
  • Cake: Yeah!
  • Nickel: Yeah, we won't!
  • Naily: Yeah, we're JUST NOT!

[Jingle with falling, percussion-like tones. The logo appears above this team of Book, Pillow, Nickel, Cake, Price Tag, Naily and Bomby. Fade to black.]

Post-team naming[]

[Eggy approaches Two.]

  • Eggy: Hey, Two, we finished naming our teams.
  • Two: Oh, that's a relief. [wipes off sweat] I was afraid I'd have to make up team names for you.
  • Eggy: I'm not going to lie; that probably would have been better than—
  • Eraser: [happily shoves Eggy away] So what's the first contest?
  • Two: Well, I was about to announce it, but I got distracted when I noticed how ugly it is around here! Where's all the plant life, eh?
  • Eggy: It all got burnt up by overflowing lava.
  • Eraser: Yeah, I remember that.
  • Two: Well, I can fix that for you. Now, what colour were the trees and the grass?
  • Remote: Green and yellow.
  • Two: Got it.

[Two uses their powers on the ground outside the hotel, making the grass green and the trees yellow and no longer barren, the opposite of what was seen before.]

  • Remote: Oh wait, I meant—
  • Naily: Shh! It looks nicer like this.
  • Two: Now that that's taken care of, we can finally start the battle for The Power of TwoOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[The intro plays. It is a happy, 24-second electronic theme by Coal Bones. Before the obligatory view of all the contestants together and on the host, the viewer can see each of the contestants doing random things, a bit like the intro to Bachelor in Paradise, except it's not trashy. In fact, it is very high quality and, in the author's opinion, the best intro for a BFDI season yet. See for yourself!]

Pre-contest[]

Outside, in a newly-coloured world[]

  • Eraser: So what's the first contest?
  • Two: Glad you asked! [as a diagram is shown] The first contest is to get to the top of that building. Everyone on your team has to get to the top in order for you to be safe. The last team. The last team to get there... will be up for elimination!

[Two jumps to the top of the hotel building.]

  • Two: Oh, I almost forgot!

[View from the roof.]

  • Two: Once you get to the top, you're not allowed to go back down.
  • Gaty: [from below] Whaaaaat?
  • Fries: Seriously, we can't hear you when you're up there!

[View from below.]

  • Bottle: [to Needle and Pen] I think they said "Go!"

Contest[]

[Needle pushes Bottle to the ground (accidentally) as she, as everyone else, runs to the top of the building to think of a strategy.]

  • Bottle: Ooh!

Outside the hotel[]

Death P.A.C.T. Again[]

  • Lightning: Don't worry, guys, I won't forget to fly this time.

[Lightning flies to the top of the hotel.]

  • Lightning: Yes! I've made it!
  • Tree: What about us?
  • Lightning: Huh?
  • Tree: [view from below] Nnnggh.
  • Remote: Here. [hands Tree a bullhorn]
  • Tree: WHAT ABOUT US? HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET UP?
  • Lightning: [view from above] Oh, I'll carry you guys!

[Lightning tries to go down but is prevented from doing so on account of a barrier that makes a "ndoot" sound.]

  • Two: [with a glowing hand] Lightning! Going back down is against the rules!
  • Remote: [view from below] He's not coming back down.
  • Pie: Why?
  • Remote: Shrug.
  • Tree: Forget it, let's just think of another way up.

Are You Okay[]

  • Golf Ball: Are You Okay!
  • [ Most of the team · Fries ]: [ Yeah! · I've been worse. ]
  • Golf Ball: Get onto Puffball, A.S.A.P.!

[They do so but fall down, as Puffball does not change size.]

  • Golf Ball: Huh. I guess there really wasn't enough room up there.
  • TV: Let's... [as Golf Ball] use the trebuchet Tennis Ball built.

[The team walk to where the trebuchet Tennis Ball built is.]

The S![]

[Cloudy floats upwards with Rocky on top of him.]

  • Clock: Uh, hey, Cloudy, can't you go faster?
  • Cloudy: No, I can't! If I go faster, Rocky will fall through me. See?

[Cloudy floats up a bit faster and Rocky falls through.]

  • Rocky: [inside] Bulleh!

[Rocky falls down.]

  • Clock: I see.
  • Ice Cube: Wha?

The Strongest Team on Earth and The S![]

  • Bell: Two at a time, okay, guys?

[Everyone except Snowball makes noises of agreement. Robot Flower and Grassy hold on to Bell's string, and she flies them up there. Bell dings.]

  • Robot Flower: Cool! Now go get the rest of us!

[Bell tries to go down.]

  • Two: No going back down, I said!
  • Bell: Seriously?!
  • Grassy: Grassy is upset!
  • Eggy: [view from below] They're not coming back down?
  • Snowball: They betrayed us!
  • Basketball: Huh! Robot Flower wouldn't betray us, I mean, other than the... time that she—
  • Eggy: Shh, look over there.

[Eggy indicates the going-on of The S!: Winner is throwing Yellow Face to the roof of the hotel. View from below of Yellow Face smiling and emitting a pentagram from his eye.]

  • Clock: Yeah! High five!

[Winner slaps Clock's face with their arm.]

  • Eggy: Did you see that? That's how we can get up!
  • Snowball: I'll throw, because I have arms—
  • Basketball: Uh-huh. But more importantly, who are we going to throw first?
  • Eggy: How about Foldy?
  • Foldy: I am one of the lightest contestants, but it's a but it's a bit windy today—whoa!

[Snowball throws Foldy into the air.]

  • Foldy: Aaaaaaaaaaah! Ooooooooooooooh...

[Foldy is blown away by the wind.]

  • Eggy: Well, that won't work.

The Strongest Team on Earth and Just Not[]

[Basketball sees some of the members of Just Not entering the hotel.]

  • Basketball Gha, OMP, are you seriously taking the stairs? You're going to lose if you take the stairs. You know that, right?
  • Naily: We're taking the elevator, stupid.

[Basketball metaphorically explodes.]

  • Basketball: Hoh! I forgot about the elevator!
  • Naily: Nyee-he-he-he.
  • Price Tag: Heh.
  • Basketball: Ghwaaaa! After them! [stops in her tracks] Ah, shoot. Wait, um, Eggy, keep an eye on Foldy, will you?
  • Eggy: Got it!

Hotel lobby[]

  • Bomby: Hurryyy!

[The other teammates get in.]

  • Naily: Ha!
  • Pillow: Oo!
  • Nickel: Wait for me!
  • Book: Æh!
  • Price Tag: Heh-heh-heh!

[The elevator door closes completely, and Snowball and Basketball have missed it.]

  • Snowball: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[View from the elevator: Just Not are having a peaceful ride, but a loud buzzer can be heard and the mechanism stops.]

  • Naily: Uh oh.

[Downstairs, it is revealed that Snowball has pried the elevator open with his arms.]

  • Basketball: [angry] Whyjer do that? We could have just waited for it to come back!
  • Snowball: That would have been too slow.
  • Basketball: Well now, it's going to be even slower, 'cause you made the elevator get stuck! Get out of the way, let me see if I can fix it.

[Marker can be seen peering inside.]

Death P.A.C.T. Again[]

Outside the hotel[]

  • Marker: The elevator... is not an option.
  • Fanny: I hate broken elevators!
  • Marker: Can't we use Fanny to propel ourselves up?
  • Pie: No, she's not powerful enough.

[Fanny is seen blowing air at Tree for no reason.]

  • Tree: Ahhhh, just right.
  • Remote: Never fear, I have an idea.

[Remote uncaps Marker and uses him to draw on the building.]

  • Remote: Black Hole waits outside while we take the stairs—
  • Tree: Wouldn't that be too slow?
  • Fanny: I hate stairs!
  • Remote: Let me finish. As I was saying, we don't go all the way up. Just high enough that we can jump out and steal some of Black Hole's gravity.
  • Pie: Good plan. But you're vandalizing the wall.
  • Marker: No, she's not! I'm washable.

Inside (various floors)[]

Death P.A.C.T. Again and Just Not[]

[Death P.A.C.T. Again (besides Black Hole) run through the lobby of the hotel, passing Snowball (sitting on a sofa) and Basketball (working on the elevator). They run a little noisily.]

  • Fanny: I hate stairs, I hate stairs, I hate stairs...
  • Book: [from the elevator with the rest of the team] Hey, I think I heard footsteps!
  • Cake: Get us out of here!
  • Pie: Are you dying?
  • Cake: Um... I guess not.
  • Pie: Okay, bye, then. Hup, hup, hup...
  • Price Tag: What? Hey, get back here!

Outside[]

Are You Okay[]

[Tennis Ball sits on his trebuchet, which is the same as it was when it first appeared in BFB.]

  • Tennis Ball: Okay! I finished fixing the lava damage.
  • Golf Ball: Great job! Although, next time, consider using a lava-proof material.
  • Tennis Ball: Okay.

[The team get into the trebuchet. Pen reclines coolly in the back, his arm sticking out of the cup. Puffball pulls the string.]

  • Fries: Isn't this more of a catapult?
  • Tennis Ball: I had to improvise.

[Everyone except Puffball flies into the air, screaming. Puffball realizes what's going on and catches Fries—who has lost his chips—in her mouth. She then uses Fries to catch the others, and they all land on the roof of the hotel.]

  • Two: [gasp] Are you okay?
  • The team: Yeah.
  • Eraser: What's up?
  • Two: Oof, that's a relief. Anyway, Are You Okay, you're the first team to finish, so you're safe!

[TV claps through the sound of Firey and Coiny slapping each other.]

  • Two: Five teams left! Who's going to finish next?

The S! and The Strongest Team on Earth[]

[Winner throws Clock, Bottle and Ice Cube onto the roof.]

  • Winner: Hup!
  • Clock: Ouiiiiii!
  • Bottle: Whee!
  • Ice Cube: Aaaaaaaaaaah!

[Bottle is about to land but does not have any balance.]

  • Bottle: [still happy] Uh oh!

[Bottle shatters.]

  • Yellow Face: Nyeh...
  • Clock: Sorry for this, Yellow Face!

[Clock kicks Yellow Face in his back.]

  • Yellow Face: Raouw!

[Ice Cube bounces off Yellow Face and survives.]

  • Ice Cube: Yeah!
  • Clock: Hey, Two! Since Bottle's dead, but her body made it to the top, does that count?
  • Two: I don't know; should it?
  • Clock: I think it should.
  • Two: Then it counts!

[Winner throws Rocky.]

  • Winner: Oh no, I've overshot!
  • Rocky: [vomits on Foldy] Bulleh!

[Foldy falls onto the ground.]

  • Eggy: Good! You're back.
  • Foldy: Aw, flap. I'm not acid-free any more.
  • Cloudy: How's Winner going to get up?

[Winner scales the building.]

  • Two: And with that, The S! is safe! Only four teams left!

team8s[]

  • Coiny: [who has been watching Winner] team8s... [snaps his fingers] I have a plan.
  • Needle: Finally!
  • Pin: What is it?

[Coiny suddenly picks up Pin and uses her to scale the building.]

  • Pin: Ack!
  • Barf Bag: Aaaaah.

[Inspired, Barf Bag does the same with Needle. As does Donut with Saw. The six of them end up on Two's roof.]

  • Donut: Now, how are we going to get Gaty up here?
  • Saw: Oh! I know a trick. Here, just hold me out over the edge!
  • Donut: Like this?
  • Saw: Yeah!
  • Gaty: [noticing from below] Oh. [Aside.] Alright. Magnet powers, activate!

[Gaty levitates.]

  • Gaty: Whoa!
  • Two: Wow! Team8s, you're safe.
  • Gaty: Whoo.

Inside the hotel[]

Death P.A.C.T. Again[]

[Nearly everyone on the team sighs in exhaustion as they reach the "green floor".]

  • Tree: D'ye think... this is... high enough?
  • Remote: Only one way to find out.

[Remote throws a potted plant out the window. It orbits Black Hole for a tiny bit before it gets accidentally eaten.]

  • Remote: Maybe we didn't think this through. [falls down] Huff. Huff.

[Fanny takes out Remote's battery and puts one of her own inside her.]

  • Remote: [angry] I'm recharged. And I— have a— new plan. We're already most of the way to the top. Let's just go up the last few flights of stairs.
  • Tree: Aaaaaagggh.

Hotel lobby[]

The Strongest Team on Earth[]

  • Snowball: What's taking so long?
  • Basketball: Relax, man, I'm trying to figure it out! Ah, I just don't know which one of these pulleys does the—

[Snowball shoves Basketball and pulls on the first pulley he sees.]

  • Basketball: What have you done?!
  • Cake: [in the elevator] You know, I could really go for some—

[Just Not descend quickly. From below, Basketball sees the elevator coming her way.]

  • Basketball: Look out!

[She pushes Snowball out of the way and the lift hits her head.]

  • Basketball: Mm-blehhh-whoa!

Roof[]

  • Two: Yes! Just Not is safe. Now, there's only two teams left! [shows The Strongest Team on Earth and Death P.A.C.T. Again] One of them will get to the top and be safe, but the other will face consequences.
  • Basketball: Ooh! For once it was good to be bouncy. [notices the elevator going down] Wait, it's fixed? I don't believe it, Snowball, you actually managed to fix something!
  • Snowball: Of course—

[Enter Eggy and Foldy.]

  • Eggy: We're back!
  • Basketball: Perfect timing! Come on, we've got no time to lose!

[They all get into the elevator.]

An upper floor[]

Death P.A.C.T. Again[]

[Remote literally carries her team up the stairs. Marker falls off.]

  • Remote: Huff, huff, huff, huff, huff, huff...

[Marker laughs to himself silently and presses the up button.]

Roof[]

[Pie, Tree and Fanny are dropped. Remote runs over to the edge, dragging Tree with her.]

  • Remote: Come on, we've got to get Black Hole.
  • Tree: Black Hole! Black Hole!
  • Remote: Oh no. Black holes aren't known for their sense of hearing.
  • Tree: Don't tell me we have to go get him.
  • Lightning: You can't. We're not allowed go back down.
  • Remote: Oh. That explains a lot. I forgive you.
  • Tree: Why, don't worry; I've got this megaphone, remember?
  • Remote: Yeah, I gave it to you.
  • Tree: Eeh-deet-dt-zt... whoops! [Tree fumbles with the megaphone and it falls into Black Hole.]
  • Black Hole: Chomp.
  • Tree: Ghaaa, no! If only it landed next to him and not in him, it might have still got his attention! What a waste—
  • Fanny: Then let's throw something else!
  • Marker: But what could we even throw?
  • Remote: Ah.

[Remote removes a battery from her, to the excitement, surprise and indifference of her team. She immediately falls dead.]

  • Tree: I won't let it go to waste, Remote.

Cyan floor[]

The Strongest Team on Earth[]

[Basketball pushes the elevator button many times.]

  • Basketball: Hey! This isn't the roof! Stupid elevator, close already!
  • Eggy: You know those buttons don't do anything, right?

Roof[]

Death P.A.C.T. Again[]

  • Tree: Yah!

[Tree throws the battery down to Black Hole. It is not eaten; it only lands next to him.]

  • Black Hole: Huh? [realizing] Oh, they, probably want me to fly up.

[View of the elevator racing against Black Hole, until...]

Post-contest[]

[The Strongest Team on Earth leave the elevator.]

  • Two: The Strongest Team on Earth is safe! ["is safe", "are safe", "es safe", "är safe"... whatever.] So, Death P.A.C.T. Again loses, and they'll be up for elimination.
  • Lightning: Noooo! It's all my fault.
  • Fanny: But none of us heard Two say that extra rule!
  • Bell: Fanny is right! It's Two's fault our teams did so bad!
  • Two: Well, I think you guys should stop projecting the blame onto me!
  • Bell: I think you should start projecting your voice!
  • Two: Wait!

[Mutiny and chaos, ending with Grassy stomping on Two's head.]

  • Two: Noooooooooooooo!

Voting screen[]

  • Two: Vote in the comments using the letter and square brackets for who you don't want to be eliminated. That's right! Vote for who you want to stay! The person with the least ["least", "fewest", "moins de", "saishō"... whatever.] votes will leave the show!

[Roll credits: We see who did what in the episode and who voices everyone. On the bottom are this episode's recommended characters dancing to happy music. This is something that will last until the very end of the series.]

Post-credits scene[]

EXIT[]

  • Stapy: Ow.
  • Liy: Get up, Stapy, it's time for Plan B! Every second counts, so let's hurry!
  • Stapy: Right. Hup!

[Stapy topples the tower that had been made in BFB 16. A bunch of objects, including Roboty and Firey Jr., tumble down. Four and X make a cameo here in the BFB universe. Four's edge suddenly becomes less rounded.]

  • Four: M'nep!

[Liy and Stapy enter the EXIT classroom, which appears to have not been there before. The other EXITers get up, apparently from their months-long nap.]

  • Pencil: Ah, huh?

[Inside the classroom, which now emits a golden-ish glow, Liy pries the wooden boards off the door that she had wanted to open so strongly before as Stapy watches.]

  • Liy: Huunnnh!

[Enter Pencil.]

  • Pencil: What are you two doing?
  • Liy: I didn't even get to take a peek before Four caught me and boarded it up. I won't hesitate this time.

[Liy uses the staple from BFB 11 to pick the lock. It works and the door opens, making a freaky noise. We are suddenly led to a white background with the words "To be continued" on it.]

THE END

Notes[]

  1. I would have put "Don't do anything, right" in brackets as an alternative title. I can't imagine making episode titles that long any more, at least not since "How to Go on Holiday Back and Forth with Your Rich Boyfriend in the Duration Between Sixteen and Six Hours".

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