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"Eraser to Go(ne)" is the non-canon ninth episode of TPOT by Jacknjellify. It was released on 28 October 1975. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 9 (or even TPOT 2) comes out. An early title of this episode was "Little Hotel on the Savannah" until it was moved to the episode after... and then scrapped... and then brought back.

Previous episode: "The Switchgate"
Next episode: "Little Hotel on the Savannah"

Pre-credits scenes[]

Outside where the hotel used to be[]

  • Camera: Well, it's the 114th day that the hotel's been gone.
  • Bicycle Bell: You counted?
  • Pillow: It seems that Camera is correct!
  • Camera: See, Bicey, Pillow agrees with me!
  • Pillow: It's not 114 Earth days; it's 114 days on Inverted Mercury!
  • PDA: [holding a clipboard] Why didn't you say so?
  • Conch Shell: [overhearing] It takes that long for y'all to get stuff done around here?
  • Cake: Well, yeah. It's for the best, though.
  • Nickel: And it's kind of a process.
  • Boom Mic: [who is wearing a T-shirt with Bracelety on it] For what?
  • Cake: To come up with challenges and things like that.
  • Long Cable, Folded Up: Y'know, sometimes I get a little impatient. I want to know who gets eliminated, damn it!

[Everyone in LCFU's "neighbourhood" gasps.]

  • Pie: Long Cable, Folded Up, you swore.
  • Long Cable, Folded Up: So I did, didn't I?
  • Pie: That is blasphemy.
  • Foldy: It isn't blasphemous, Pie. I checked the Gogmatics' Handbook.
  • Gogmatics' Handbook: She's right.
  • Pie: Then you know what is blasphemous? That Stapy body pillow of yours. Pillows cause death.
  • Foldy: Hey, that's not Stapy! [hugs her body pillow] This is Stape-O, the latest technology to keep folks like me happy when I'm feeling blue.
  • Grassy: The desperate?
  • Foldy: No, the blue!
  • Bell: But Foldy, you're green!
  • Gat: You colour-blind? She's clearly blue!
  • Bell: Don't throw those shady words at colour-blind people!
  • Robot Flower: Fight! Fight! Fight!
  • Foldy: This is not the time for a non-religious debate. It is time for Stape-O.

[She presses a button on the pillow. Stapy's voice can be heard.]

  • Stape-O: [in his "romantic" voice] I'm voting for you, Foldy.
  • Basketball: At least you've got your personality back.
  • Quaddy: [walking by Foldy] That's weird.
  • Dime: And gross!
  • Bell: Dime, what are you doing here?
  • Dime: I was just in the neighbourhood.
  • Bell: But aren't you, like, from another show?
  • Dime: That depends. Bye!

[Dime vanishes, leaving behind no trace. Enter Saw and Barf Bag.]

  • Foldy: I can't even imagine what strangers must think of our new city.
  • Saw: Yeah, I kind of miss the old living arrangement, you know, with the sleeping bags and stuff.
  • Barf Bag: Well, some people still live that way.

[She points to a lone sleeping bag near the middle of the "city". Based on the contorting shapes, which a sleeping bag certainly can't make by itself, there are people inside.]

  • Lightning: [from inside] Snowball, you're such a wild animal!
  • Snowball: [slap] Me object! You animal!
  • Lightning: I'm actually a force of nature... who's going to zap the daylights out of you!
  • Remote: They have been playing parcheesi for 114 days now.
  • 9-Ball: Yeah, it probably smells like boy in there. Not to mention the mould growth from the rain.
  • Battery: What's smell?
  • Saw: They said it's going to rain soon, and I would h8 to get my stuff all waterlogged again.
  • Selinur: Not to mention the rusting!
  • Saw: Yeah, the rusting, you know that!
  • Barf Bag: You know, I kind of wish Two would come back earlier from wherever Two goes. That way we wouldn't have all these problems.

[Enter Two spontaneously.]

  • Two: Well, why didn't you say so?

[Everyone screams, like in TPOT 1.]

  • Two: Ooh. Déjà vu. And you know what rhymes with "déjà vu"? Only the greatest show in history, The Power of TwoOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[The intro plays.[1]]

Pre-Cake at Stake[]

[A continuation of the prior scene.]

  • Two: Now, will everyone gather round—
  • Gaty: Two, you and all those other people, are hosts for shows with, like, twenty billion contestants. Don't you know better than not to use your indoor voice?
  • Two: What kind of indoors can I shout from when my hotel is gone? Wa-aea-aea-aea!
  • Hei: You need to use your big voice!
  • Robot Flower: [to Two] Don't you know that the population is much sparser these days?
  • Two: Then I've got no other choice than to scream. WILL EVERYONE GATHER ROUND FOR CAKE AT STAKE?
  • Gaty: Ach... loud.
  • Relevant Events Calendar: Um, can we be grouped by our parties?
  • Two: Ugh, what is this, '72? Just gather round for Cake at Stake; we need as big an audience as possible.

Cake at Stake[]

[Cake at Stake theme, the same one with the Roberta Flack clone.]

Cake at Stake place[]

  • Two: Deathagainners! You lost last time, which means one of you will join these weird people in eliminated-ness-dom-ity.
  • Rainbow Sash: [from the audience] Two, you're not so bland yourself.
  • Grassy: Grassy is weird and proud!
  • Two: Hush, now!
  • Dotrothy: I'm sorry, but you were kind of begging the question.
  • Anchor: Two wasn't begging for nothing.
  • Dotrothy: Why, you little!
  • Two: [as a small explosion is heard in the background] Can we not have a war in the comment section? Anyway, if you're safe, you'll receive today's prize! Protractors! [Two jumps off the podium] Take it away, kind namesake.
  • Protractor: Gladly. At Protractor's Protractors, you get a buy-one get-one free discount on all protractors and other angle measurement tools for this upcoming school year, but only if you enter this code right here! [points to Birthdaigny, sitting next to Needle, Pin and Genderfluid Book] Protractor's Protractors is a subsidiary of Yellow Face's Warehouse.
  • Yellow Face: [from the audience] Thanks for the shoutout!
  • Two: That's not the introduction I was asking for, but okay.

[Protractor doesn't leave his spot.]

  • Two: Please leave now, I've got a show to run.
  • Protractor: Sorry. I just like getting the attention when it gets taken away from my rival.
  • Protactinium: [spectating] Hmmph!

[Exit Protractor to the audience. Two jumps back up to the podium.]

  • Tree: It makes me a bit uneasy to think that our prizes come from a corporation.
  • Fanny: I hate it!
  • Two: Hey. Advertising rakes in the cash.
  • Yellow Face: [quietly] So true!
  • Two: And cash makes you rich.
  • Dollary: Oh, yeah!
  • Two: And being rich is all it takes for people to just give you miscellaneous things like hotel buildings that suddenly fall to the surface of the Earth with no strings attached because they can just look at you with kind, trusting eyes without considering any other factors like MORALITY!

[Everyone looks at Two, confused.]

  • Two: Sorry, that was... a bit personal.
  • Black Hole: Er, Two? Can we start Cake at Stake now?
  • Two: [happy again] Yes! Black Hole, you got the most votes, so you are safe!
  • Black Hole: Oh, happy day.

[Two throws a protractor in his direction (as they do with the other safe contestants). Black Hole eats it.]

  • Sound effect: Chomp.
  • Black Hole: Tastes like knowledge.
  • Two: Also safe are Tree... Remote... and Fanny.

[The sound of a lightswitch plays, revealing the only contestants who aren't safe yet.]

  • Two: It's down to Lightning and Marker.
  • Eraser: [from the audience] Marker, hell yeah!
  • Marker: The underworld be with you too!
  • Two: Aaaaaaaand... Lightning is safe, with [number] votes!
  • Lightning: [grumpy] I seriously left my happy place just to be declared safe last.
  • Remote: He should be happy that he's safe.
  • Tree: Lightning, what's with you?
  • Snowball: [shouting from the audience] GOOD BOYS GET IT, LIGHTNING! [He raises his eyebrows as if the two have something more going on.]
  • Golf Ball Clone: [speaks as the name "Golf Ball Clone" appears under her[2]] We must never interrupt!
  • Lightning: [suddenly changing his attitude] I mean, I'm safe, yay! [catches his protractor] Sorry, Marker. Can we still be friends?
  • Marker: Okay!

[Pause.]

  • Marker: [to Two] If I am an eliminated person now, where do I go?
  • Two: With the other people, of course!
  • Marker: [recycled line from a few seconds ago] Okay! Farvel, Death P.A.C.T. Again.
  • Tree: Farewell.
  • Remote: We all like having you on our team.
  • Fanny: I hate you!
  • Marker: Wheeeee!

[He jumps from his podium to the audience section.]

  • Pie: [reaches up and grabs him like a baseball] I got him. Uh-oh.

[Marker falls onto Pie (because she got the trajectory wrong), and she explodes. Quick fade.]

Post-Cake at Stake[]

Outside[]

  • Black Hole: It's so sad to see Pie die like that, and it's almost equally sad, that our team is down one member.
  • Tree: Yeah, well, at least I don't have to look at Pen whenever we have a team meeting.
  • Remote: Don't you mean Marker?
  • Tree: They're all the same to me.
  • Black Hole: They're really not.
  • Salt Lamp: OMC, are you still going on about the whole 🅱️en situation?
  • VHSy: You've got to let it go! [Pause.] Don't you start singing, Snowflake.
  • Snowflake: Aw!
  • Black Hole: Well, our whole team has apologized to him, for a misunderstanding, but Tree still has his part to do.
  • Tree: I'll do it when I'm ready.
  • Black Hole: And when will that be?
  • Tree: Never!

[Meanwhile, Two is standing in the middle of the improvised city. They are clearly annoyed because a number of characters (Bottle, Sigune, Urhixidur, Onigiri, Ice Cube and Unrelated Two Jr.) are laughing while bouncing around them and playing with their limbs. Enter Clock, wearing sunglasses again. He is closely followed by Winner.]

  • Two: There you are, Clock!
  • Clock: Yeah, nice number statue, Two.
  • Two: Nice shades. Now can you tell these little demons to release themselves from me?
  • Bottle: I'm not little; I'm big!
  • Clock: [to Two] Like I should obey you. Besides, you shouldn't call people demons these days. Need I remind you that's how two of your contestants and two of our friends died?
  • Winner: I must agree with my self-righteous comrade here. Tennis Ball and Golf Ball will seriously be missed.
  • Clock: And so will your hotel.
  • Two: Hotel!?

[Two begins to sneeze out empty unknown-bleck cylinders from their nostrils again (don't forget, they only contain dead people if Two is happy)—the wet fart sound radiates through the city as everyone becomes silent.]

  • Two: Unh, unh, unh...
  • Boom Mic: Wow, Two said "un!"
  • Blender: Voor de tweede keer! [Subtitles: "For the second time!"]

[Two claws at each unknown-bleck cylinder, hoping to find something in one of them.]

  • Two: It's got to be in here!
  • Golf Ball Clone: Are you talking about my rip-off?
  • Two: No, I need my hotel!

[Two breathes in and out heavily like SpongeBob did when he lost his name tag.]

  • Clock: Two, why on earth would your hotel be in one of those things? They're twice as tall as I am.
  • Bottle: Hee-hee! Clock short.
  • Two: [Aside.] Okay, Two, don't panic. You have a solution, a solution, I tell you— me— myself.

[A lightbulb appears atop Two's head. It starts to talk.]

  • Lightbulb[3]: Um, could you put me down, please?
  • Two: Sure thing, little lightbulb, as soon as I tell everyone what I shall do!

[Two puts the lightbulb down.]

  • Lightbulb: Thanks.

[Exit.]

Pre-contest[]

[Two applies a force field to the ground or whatever it's supposed to be—the same thing happened when they changed the colours of the vegetation—and everyone gets rearranged. All of the remaining TPOT contestants stay where they are, while the eliminated contestants, failed debuters, recommended characters and extras form a very large ring around the competition area. Meanwhile, the "city" that everyone had worked on for so long disappears, along with the months-old debris of the hotel. Everyone talks at the same time.]

  • Two: There you are; the landscape is now squeaky clean!
  • Tree: Two, I don't like this. Can you change it back, please?
  • Naily: Yeah, Shampoo was telling us about the new Chamfered in Sun!
  • Price Tag: It's the only thing they watch to get their mind off eating Nickel!
  • Nickel: That's... me!
  • Two: You can talk about that later, or perhaps even never. But right now, we've got a contest to do—

[Coiny interrupts Two. Donut looks annoyed.]

  • Coiny: Two!
  • Two: Yes, Coiny?
  • Coiny: Where'd you send the other contestants? [Because of his size, Coiny can't see the ring of people surrounding the area.]
  • Two: That's not for you to know.
  • Coiny: But I want my Needy!

[Needle tries to slap Coiny (from the crowd of extras), but she can't go past the force field.]

  • Needle: Huh? My hand's supposed to be stronger than the world!
  • Shopping Cart: Does this mean you can't slap people who call you Needy?

[Needle slaps Shopping Cart.]

  • Needle: Don't call me Needy!
  • Shopping Cart: Never mind, heh.

[Meanwhile...]

  • Pin: You would think she'd have slapped you by now.
  • Coiny: This is so unfair! [stamps his foot on the ground like child] I want Needle now!
  • Donut: Oh, boy.
  • Barf Bag: Here comes a tantrum! Donut?
  • Donut: On it.

[Donut sprays Coiny with a spray bottle.]

  • Barf Bag: That's number 2 today!
  • Donut: Misbehave again and you're down ten points.
  • Coiny: No, I promise I'll say "please" next time!
  • Donut: Yeah, and no more "I want" phrases. It's bad form.

[Barf Bag looks over to The S! and winks at Gaty, who laughs in response.]

  • Gaty: That's hilarious.
  • Two: Are you done?
  • Donut: I am if he is.
  • Coiny: Yeah, I'm done.
  • Two: Okay! Your—
  • Eraser: [shoves Two to the ground] So what's the next contest?

[Tree facepalms. Two gets up.]

  • Two: I was about to get to that, but I think it would be best if you all get some context first.
  • Winner: As to why you've been gone for the last hundred days?
  • Two: Exactly! You need to know what you need to know.
  • Yellow Face: Mmm, I know what I know!
  • Barf Bag: I think Two was on a business trip.
  • Two: Well, I was on a trip! But it wasn't for business, tee-hee!
  • Eraser: [wide-eyed] Substances?
  • Two: Will you let me finish? As I was saying, I was out in the real world, filing paperwork with the insurance agency, and I was told that I couldn't get my hotel back because it had been obliterated by Earth's atmosphere.
  • Naily: Hmm, kind of sus.
  • Cake: This is such an adult conversation!
  • Price Tag: I'm not ready for this maturity! Mleh!

[Price Tag faints.]

  • Two: And yet they allowed this opulent snob family to have a building of their own—it fell from the sky and everything! Well, I have nothing more to do with those people, and I've since cut ties with that company.
  • Pillow: So the contest is for us to make amends with your previous insurance provider? That's nothing to write home about.
  • Two: Not today...

[Jump cut to a giant pair of scissors falling onto the insurance building. Back to the scene.]

  • Two: But maybe in the future. Right now, though, your contest is a relay race!

[Almost everyone cheers.]

  • Puffball: If Fries was here, he'd say "whatever".

[Meanwhile, in the crowd, the episode plays out live on a large display screen in front of everyone, much like in the novel Nineteen Eighty-Four.]

  • Fries: I am here, Puffball!
  • Marker: But you're not there, are you?
  • Fries: No, Marker, there's two of me at the same time and you're talking to the boring one. /s

[Back to the contestants.]

  • Two: Your first task is to assign a rôle to each member of your team. You've got four main ones from which to choose: the Boss, the Strongest, the Artistest and the Smartest. The rest of you will be the Sittest-Outest. Any questions?
  • Fanny: Why are there four? I hate Four for possibly changing the BFB prize again, and again and AGAIN!
  • Lightning: Whoa, calm down, Fanny, we all watched BFB here. It all seemed vaguely consistent.
  • Two: That wasn't a question, either. [Aside.] Hee-hee, I said my name.
  • Book: I think she's asking why there are only four rôles we can choose from.
  • Two: It is because some teams are at a disadvantage, as they only have four members.
  • Pin: Yeah, like us!
  • Barf Bag: I don't think that's something to be proud of.
  • Coiny: It isn't!

[Donut sprays him again.]

  • Two: Now, if there are no more questions, it's time to start assigning your rôles! Remember: Boss, Strongest, Artistest, Smartest. Go!

Contest prep[]

[With The Strongest Team on Earth.[4]]

  • Eggy: Okay, everyone. I nominate Basketball as our team's Boss.
  • Bell: I see no problem with that. Hey, can I be the Artist-est-est-est?
  • Basketball: Sure! If it's a singing challenge, you're sure to win!
  • Foldy: I can be the Smartest.
  • Basketball: Good, you're very learned. Now there's only one more rôle. Eggy, Grassy, Robot Flower, you don't want to be the Strongest, do you?
  • Robot Flower: Well—
  • Grassy: Grassy says no!
  • Eggy: It's pretty obvious who the Strongest should be. The guy who named our team.
  • Basketball: Where is Ol' Frozen-for-brains anyway?

[Somewhere else. Snowball is running gleefully to the opposite side of the field. He carries Lightning with him as though he were just an object.]

  • Lightning: Come on now, grab a shovel and get digging! We're going underground, big boy!

[Snowball drops Lightning on the ground.]

  • Snowball: Don't call me big boy! [looking behind] At least where other people can hear us.
  • Lightning: [cheekily] Aye, surely, big boy!
  • Snowball: Grrr!

[He picks Lightning up and uses him as a shovel.]

  • Lightning: Yes, yes! I'm hooked on your feeling, SB!
  • Snowball: [going underground] Ooga, chaka, ooga, ooga...

[Back to the team.]

  • Basketball: Team, promise me you won't let a guy get between you and the competition.
  • Robot Flower: I promise.
  • Bell: Yeah!
  • Grassy: We are Grassies and ladies liberated!
  • Eggy: Ooh, sing it, Grass-yoncé!

[With Death P.A.C.T. Again.]

  • Fanny: We've lost Lightning!
  • Remote: Then I volunteer myself as Smartest.
  • Black Hole: And I'll, I'll be Strongest. Has anyone a counter to that?
  • Remote: No, you are undeniably the strongest contestant of all.
  • Black Hole: Alright, Tree, Fanny, you want to be Artistest or Boss?
  • Fanny: I'll be Artistest! Even though I hate made-up words!
  • Remote: But all words are made up.

[Enter Book, who has been eavesdropping.]

  • Book: I don't think that's etymologically true.
  • Remote: To a robot it is.
  • Price Tag: Oh, leader? We need guidance!
  • Book: Coming, O smart one!

[Exit Book.]

  • Black Hole: Tree, you get to be the Boss. Tree?

[Tree spies on the four living members of Are You Okay furiously with binoculars. He sees Pen holding a blueprint and his teammates talking and nodding approvingly. Pen sees that Tree is looking at him in particular—he waves and offers him a friendly smile.]

  • Tree: Nngh, I can so be a better captain than him.
  • Fanny: Sure, Tree, you and Bottle under nitrous oxide.

[With The S!]

  • Yellow Face: I think Clock should be Boss, 'cause he's got boss-like glasses on!
  • Clock: I was out in the sun for too long, Yellow Face; it does things to your eyesight.
  • Gaty: That's why I'm an indoor gate.
  • Clock: Yeah? Why don't you meow, then.
  • Gaty: You ask me to meow again and your hands will be moving in reverse.
  • Saw: Hey, G8y, I never noticed this before, but you and Clock sound pretty similar!
  • Winner: It's rather interesting.
  • Cloudy: You two must collect differences.
  • Gaty: [suddenly wearing a hat that says "Smartest"] Well, that's not true one bit.
  • Clock: Yeah, Gaty and I, we're—
  • [ Clock · Gaty ]: —two different people.

[They look at each other with suspicion.]

  • Two: So have you all finished choosing who's who?
  • Everyone: Yeah!

[Two claps, which suddenly reveals the starting positions of the contestants, as the relay race is about to begin: The Bosses (Basketball, Tree, Pen, Donut, Clock and Book) are at the start of the track. They have to run over to the Strongests (Robot Flower, Black Hole, TV, Coiny, Winner and Naily), who must run a great deal to the Artistests (Bell, Fanny, Puffball, Pin, Cloudy and Nickel), who have to pass some sort of metal detector-type machine to reach the final person, each team's Smartest (Foldy, Remote, Eraser, Barf Bag, Gaty and Price Tag). These team members must step onto a green platform, where they await their final instruction to ensure their team's safety. Sitting out of this contest are Bottle, Cake, Eggy, Grassy, Pillow, Saw and Yellow Face.]

  • Two: It's now time for the contest. Bosses, you're up first.
  • Donut: Oh, thank the heavens.
  • Basketball: I'm ready!
  • Two: In two... two... two... two... one... GO!

Contest[]

Relay race[]

  • Two: [as text appears over the paused scene, which has been "monochromed"] Bosses, as you run, you will notice a blob of something falling from the sky. This is unknown-bleck, the nasal fluid that even prime algebraliens produce, in its pure, non-cylindrical form... and not a bad food additive to the modern diet. Is it a solid? Is it a liquid? Who cares! Your job is to catch as much unknown-bleck as you can and pass it on to your next teammate.
  • Basketball: Wait, I don't have hands!
  • Clock: And my hands can't catch things.
  • Two: Shush.

[Unpause.]

  • Pen: Hup! [catches the unknown-bleck]

[As do Donut (who has covered himself in the chalk from last episode), Book, Tree and Clock, who runs off with the substance attached to his leg.]

  • Basketball: Eugh. Guess I'll use my head.

[Without a word, Pen passes his unknown-bleck to TV (by putting it onto his head). Basketball does the same to Robot Flower and Tree to Black Hole.]

  • Black Hole: Not too close; I suck, remember?
  • Tree: Ah, you're not such a bad guy.

[Clock kicks his unknown-bleck to Winner, who catches it with their hand.]

  • Winner: Goal!
  • Clock: But this isn't football.
  • Winner: It's functionally similar.

[Donut passes to Coiny.]

  • Donut: Told you the chalk would work!
  • Coiny: Bam!
  • Donut: Now go.

[Book passes to Naily.]

  • Book: Are you sure you can do this?
  • Naily: Watch!

[Naily runs with the unknown-bleck with her mouth. A ghostly voice can be heard.]

  • Voice of woe: You're going to lose!
  • Robot Flower: Huh? Who said that?
  • Two: [pauses the scene] Strongests, when you were chosen, did you think that your physical strength would help you the most?
  • Winner: Isn't that how it works?
  • Two: Well, well, well! Think again, because for this part, you will have to rely on your emotional strength.
  • Voice of woe: Turn back now for good measure!
  • Two: I have sent woeful—yet convincing—voices to persuade you all to give up!
  • Pillow: And they have to avoid them?
  • Two: Not only do you have to avoid them, but you must also keep your unknown-bleck level, so that the woe rain can compress your blobs into stable rods of various thickness.
  • TV: That's the weirdest thing I've ever heard.
  • Two: Well, that's Equation Playground physics for you.

[Unpause.]

  • Naily: Oh, no! I can't hold this straight! I'm a nail, remember?
  • Coiny: Thanks for the reminder, ha, ha!

[Coiny sticks Naily in the ground like Flower did in BFB 15.]

  • Naily: Again, seriously?!
  • Donut: Coiny, that's a Richard move! But since it's for the competition, you're excused.
  • Naily: What? Donut!
  • Donut: Sorry, but you did leave us in episode 1.
  • Barf Bag: You made an oopsie; it's not that bad.

[Naily gasps as she tries to lift herself up.]

  • Black Hole: [to the woeful voices] I'm not listening, I'm not listening.
  • Remote: [at the end of the track] Black holes aren't known for their sense of hearing.
  • Two: I see that.
  • TV: [chatting with Robot Flower while running] As a mechanical mind, we don't need these voices to mess with our feelings.
  • Robot Flower: You need someone to!
  • TV: But RF-chan, I thought we were friends.
  • Robot Flower: Until this contest is over, we're just not.
  • Naily: Hey, that's our name!

[TV passes the unknown-bleck rod to Puffball, as does Coiny to Pin.]

  • Coiny: That— that was awful!
  • Pin: A demotivator to turn one to a hater?
  • Fanny: [getting the rod from Black Hole]: I hate rhymes!
  • Robot Flower: It's a good thing I run on—
  • Bell: Ooh, I've got it! [Bell carries the rod on her head]
  • Voice of woe: [to Winner, who is running under pressure] Forfeit this contest and you get a vigintillion dollars.
  • Winner: I'm not going to listen! Self-esteem powers, activate!
  • Cloudy: I am always one for promoting "self steam".
  • Nickel: Hey, me too!

[Meanwhile...]

  • Puffball: [Aside.] This is hurting my teeth. A little help here?
  • Two: [pauses the scene] Welcome, Artistests! (In hindsight, I should have named you something better than that.)
  • Puffball: You think?
  • Two: As you can see, there are six blobs of paint on the floor in front of you.
  • Clock: That is so against health codes. Two, did you know that some paint fumes can cause irritation?
  • Saw: Oh, I h8 fumes!
  • Fanny: Ow! [spoken as the sound of her falling onto a paint puddle can be heard]
  • Two: Your job is to make your rod look as aesthetically pleasing as you can. If you do nothing (even if your signature art style is just that), it doesn't count and your team is automatically up for elimination. When you have finished, run your newly-decorated rod through the paint detector. When it beeps, you can pass your rods to the final person, the Smartest.

[Unpause.]

  • Bell: [who has somehow painted the Mona Lisa on the rod] Get ready, Foldy!
  • Foldy: Wow, how did you do that so quickly?
  • Bell: I guess I do have an artistic bone in my body.
  • Grassy: [watching] The doctors call it metal!

[Foldy catches the painted rod. Winner rushes over to Cloudy with their team's.]

  • Winner: I... am so sorry.
  • Cloudy: Don't worry, I can float!
  • Naily: [struggling to get off the ground] I'm still far behind!
  • Nickel: Naily, act like the opposite of a nail! Hey, Two, can I help her?
  • Naily: You'd really do that for me?
  • Two: You can't do that for her. Going back is not allowed.
  • Tree: [who is relaxing at the start of the track] Hmm, seems to be a pattern with you.
  • Fanny: [running to Remote—she has painted the rod with silhouettes of her surface] I'm blue!
  • Two: And I'm green.
  • Remote: Yay. I guess I'm off.
  • Tree: Wait, Remote! You might need this!

[Tree heroically throws the protractor from Cake at Stake to Remote. She catches it to triumphant music.]

  • Remote: Protractor, be mine.
  • Pen: Wow, Tree, you've got a cool pitching style!
  • Tree: [annoyed] Yeah, wait until I do it with people again. [pretending to talk into a walkie-talkie] Prime directive, Tree: Do not interact.
  • Black Hole: Even I could hear the hypocrisy, from over here.

[Book is seen in the background with a hand over where her chin would be.]

  • Remote: By the power of mathematics.

[She runs past Foldy.]

  • Barf Bag: [catching the rod, which has been decorated with the word "W.O.A.H. Bunch"] How do you know the next challenge will be a math one?
  • Remote: When you get right down to it, all things are mathematical. This is for you, Pie.

[She speeds past Barf Bag.]

  • Remote: [running] Three-point-one-four-one-five-nine-three-point-one-four-one-five-nine.

[Remote eventually reaches the green platform, the first one to do so, where she meets Two.]

  • Remote: What do I d—
  • Two: [pauses the scene] Welcome to the final part of the challenge, Smartests! Each person who reaches this platform will be given an individual task to possibly accomplish something really big. And remember: as the final runner, you are the one that is responsible for whether your team will be up for elimination or not. No pressure!

[Unpauses.]

  • Remote: —o?
  • Two: Just lay your rod flat on the ground.
  • Remote: Like this?
  • Two: Yes. Which means Death P.A.C.T. Again, you're safe!
  • Remote: Yay.

[She leaves her protractor behind.]

  • Two: [to the viewers] Now, let's see where everyone else is.

[A view of the challenge: all the finished contestants are relaxing at either the end or the start of the challenge, which can be seen first. This is followed by the Bosses' course (where no one is), the Strongests' course (of which Naily is still stuck to the ground), the Artistests' course (where Cloudy and Puffball are competing against each other and where Nickel is beginning to be impatient) and the final platform, which Smartests Barf Bag and Foldy are approaching. (Eraser, Gaty and Price Tag are still waiting to get theirs.)]

  • Cloudy: This is getting stressful!
  • Nickel: Come on, Cloudy! [Beat.] Oh yeah, and Naily, too.

[Meanwhile, on the Strongests' track.]

  • Voice of woe: You won't make this.
  • Naily: Oh yeah, strange talking voice from nowhere?
  • Voice of woe: You won't nail this.
  • Naily: Yes... I... WILL!

[With the power of confidence, Naily frees herself from the ground and sprints through the course with her newly-created rod.]

  • Naily: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

[Meanwhile...]

  • Puffball: [to Cloudy] It's so stressful. At least I've got something you don't have.
  • Cloudy: What's that?

[Puffball vomits a rainbow on the thing—it still counts as paint!]

  • Cloudy: Hey, that's not fair!
  • Puffball: [floating past Cloudy] Members of the puffball species are known to regurgitate a rainbow substance during times of distress.[6]

[She passes the baton on.]

  • Puffball: Here you go, Eraser.
  • Eraser: Is this vomit?
  • Puffball: Don't question it.

[Meanwhile, Nickel (in last place) is waiting. He gains an expression of surprise as the shape of Naily gets bigger and bigger.]

  • Naily: Nick, watch out!
  • Nickel: Oof!

[He falls to the ground, dipping the rod into the paint.]

  • Nickel: Eh, that's good enough.

[He walks past Cloudy.]

  • Nickel: Psst, just dip it into the ground.
  • Cloudy: With my mouth?
  • Clock: [watching] Don't do that; eating something with paint on it is potentially unsafe!
  • Nickel: Quick! [hands the rod to Price Tag]
  • Price Tag: Nice paint job. #MoreArmlessArtists!

[They run quickly to the platform, passing Eraser (who is audibly out of breath) and Foldy. Meanwhile, at the finish line...]

  • Two: Good job! Team8s, you're safe!

[Enter Price Tag.]

  • Two: Breathless, are you?
  • Price Tag: What... should I do here?
  • Two: Place your rod vertically at a 90 degree angle to the side of the leftmost one.
  • Price Tag: The one standing up or lying down?
  • Two: Down.
  • Price Tag: Left or right?
  • Two: Left.
  • Price Tag: And does this thing go up or down?
  • Two: Up.

[Beat.]

  • Price Tag: Oh, I should have done it while you were talking!
  • Two: But you didn't!
  • Price Tag: Can I ask again?

[Meanwhile...]

  • Cloudy: Here you are, Gaty.
  • Gaty: My name's pronounced... never mind.

[She runs past Eraser and Foldy very quickly.]

  • Gaty: Beep, beep, passing through!
  • Eraser: [in the same tone as that Lego guy from the commercials] Hey!
  • Gaty: Oh yeah, sorry for everyone calling you bland, Foldy.
  • Foldy: They don't call me that!
  • Eraser: Move over, bland girl.

[Eraser rushes past Foldy, leaving a trail of air that sends her off floating.]

  • Foldy: Get back here, legs!

[Meanwhile, Price Tag finally puts their rod in the correct place.]

  • Two: Looks good. Just Not, you're safe! Now, kindly get out of the way before that eraser knocks into you.
  • Price Tag: Yikes!

[Price Tag runs off to join the rest of their teammates. Eraser falls down in front of Two.]

  • Two: Oh, how I love a good retribution story.
  • Eraser: I'm... here.
  • Two: Alright. Now place your rod at an angle of 135 degrees against the leftmost rod already in the formation.
  • Eraser: Huh.
  • TV: [behind him] Use the protractor.
  • Eraser: [looks down] Ooh. How'd you use this again?

[Enter Gaty. Two whispers the same thing to her.]

  • Gaty: Like this.
  • Two: Perfect! The S!, you are safe!
  • Eraser: Damn. I'm not good at this math stuff.
  • Two: Tough luck! And it looks like there's someone coming.
  • Eraser: Oh gosh, one, one... one hundred thirty-five degrees? That's...

[Two pauses the scene for a final time as jaunty instructional music begins to play.]

  • Two: Need help using a protractor? First, place the bottom of the instrument, that is, where the lines all meet, on the part where you want to measure. This is a bit different from real life, as you can see, so place that part on the top-left.
  • Eraser: Okay.
  • Two: Next, angle your protractor around the part you want to measure by aligning the straight line that makes up the bottom part of the instrument with the most recently-placed rod.
  • Eraser: Hold on, can you say that again?
  • Two: Really, you want me to repeat that when there's still someone else in the game?
  • Eraser: Okay, okay!

[Pause. A lightbulb appears above Eraser's head. It is barely on.]

  • Eraser: Oh, oh, like this?
  • Two: Like that. Now, to how many degrees did I tell you to set your team's rod?
  • Eraser: Uh, there's a one... and a three...
  • Two: That's right, 135!
  • Eraser: Hey, I see that number!
  • Two: And now, place your rod at that angle.
  • Eraser: Oh, I could totally do...

[Unpause to Eraser screaming maniacally.]

  • Eraser: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
  • Two: What's wrong?
  • Eraser: That's a— that's a pentagon!
  • Two: Exactly. You've solved the puzzle, but you've still got to put it on the thing.
  • Eraser: No!
  • Two: Why not?
  • Eraser: Pentagons are scary as hell.
  • Two: If you don't do it, someone else will. And it looks like that someone else is coming over right—
  • Foldy: Now. Sorry, Two, I was blown away by an object-made gust of wind!
  • Two: Can you finish the puzzle, Foldy?
  • Eraser: Wait, Foldy's here? Aaaaaaaaaaaa—

[He faints.]

  • Price Tag: How dramatic.
  • TV: This is bad.
  • Puffball: We're dead meat!
  • Pen: Keep your hopes up, gang. He'll push through!
  • Saw: Hey, that line applies here too!
  • Half of the crowd: Just push through it!

[Eraser gets up a little bit.]

  • Eraser: Huh?

[He sees Foldy standing next to him.]

  • Eraser: Aaaaaaaaaaaaa—

[Foldy places the final rod on the formation and Eraser falls down again.]

  • Foldy: Rude!
  • Two: And with that, The Strongest Team on Earth are safe, and Are You Okay are not okay because that team is up for elimination!

Post-contest[]

[Everyone scatters to wherever.]

  • Pen: I don't understand. How could we have come in last place?
  • Eraser: It's my fault, dudes. I let my fear of pentagons control me again.
  • Puffball: No offence, but why did we choose you as the smartest person on our team? We could have chosen TV and we'd have won.
  • Eraser: Yeah. He did say he can predict who's going to be eliminated based on metric audience or something.
  • TV: To put it gently, it is the fault of the one who assigned all these wonky rôles.
  • Pen: Sorry, I didn't know! Eraser's just been really good at giving me advice on life and stuff; he even broke my obsession with lusting after love lost. Only a genius can do that.
  • Eraser: That's called street smarts, Pen, not book smarts... which I totally need right now.
  • Pen: At least you didn't choose me as the Smartest.

[TV plays a laugh track sound effect.]

  • Pen: I don't have any smarts!
  • Puffball: Just be lucky you're good-looking.

[A lightbulb pops up on TV's screen.]

Voting screen[]

  • Two: Vote in the comments using the letter and square brackets for who you don't want to be eliminated! Vote for who you want to stay! The person with the fewest votes will leave the show! And don't forget! GB, she be sitting in a me! R-E-C-O-V-E-R-I-N-G!

[Roll credits. Two turns around as the happy music plays.]

  • Two: TV, who is that on your screen?
  • TV: No idea. I just searched for "attractive people" on myself.
  • Pen: I tried that once.
  • Two: Shh!

[Two turns around again and smiles.]

Post-credits scenes[]

Outside[]

  • Clock: Two, what was the purpose of today's contest? Why did we make that hideous pentagon?
  • Winner: Might not want to talk so negatively about it. I think it follows you wherever you go.
  • Two: That's ridiculous. Our pentagon—
  • Clock: Our pentagon?
  • Two: It's much more than just being unnaturally eye-catching. This is where you're going to sleep.
  • Clock: You expect us all to walk inside this tiny thing and sleep in it? Do you normally talk such nonsense so late at night?
  • Two: Nope!

[Jump cut to Two, who has gathered all the remaining contestants.]

  • Two: Watch this!

[Two uses their powers on the pentagon that the teams created during the contest. It rises from the ground to reveal a Second Hotel beneath it (à la BFB 16). This hotel looks very similar to the First Hotel; it is only glossier and has more of a late-century postmodern feel, design-wise. Everyone gasps and/or lets out an "ooh" sound.]

  • Naily: That's so cool!
  • Coiny: A hotel of our own!
  • Barf Bag: I knew this day would come!
  • Two: Hold on.

[Exit Two into the hotel. A lock sound can be heard as the contestants stand around in confusion. Meanwhile, everyone is watching this scene in the circle of non-contestants.]

  • Golf Ball Clone: So are they picking us up, or what?
  • Clarion: Who cares, I'm going back!
  • Fries: So am I.
  • Alif: Freedom!
  • Dotrothy: I'll teleport!

[Everyone from the outside ring begins to converge on the remaining contestants, chattering excitedly with them.]

  • Needle: Wait! Before anyone does anything...

[Needle approaches Coiny and Pin.]

  • Coiny: Oh, hey, Needle!
  • Pin: What's up?

[Needle looks like she's about to slap him for calling her Needy hours ago. Instead, she pats his head.]

  • Needle: Nothing.

EXIT[]

  • Pencil: Omg, Pen lost? This is the most wonderfullest day ever!
  • Match: His, like, team did.
  • Bracelety: But Pencil, Ice Cube lost and was in the crowd of elimi-nimi-nimi-nated people, and I have yet to see her walk through these here doors!
  • 8-Ball: Can someone explain this "Two thing" again?
  • David: No!
  • Stapy: What year is it over there? And why does everyone look so different?
  • Liy: Who, the one on Foldy's horrific body pillow?

[Stapy pogs.]

  • Pencil: Khaaaa, oh great. My hopes were up for nothing. [to Bracelety] Thanks for installing the telly to make me long again for someone who doesn't even mention me in every sentence.

[Pause.]

  • Match: So who's up for iced coffee?
  • Liy: Where are we going to get it, huh? The giant Shōhacks inside Four's eyeball?
  • Match: Yeah!
  • Liy: It was sarcasm.
  • Pencil: That's now how you use sarcasm, Liy.
  • Liy: Like you would know!
  • Stapy: Gentlewomen, stop fighting!
  • Liy: Sometimes maybe Stapy's right!
  • Pencil: Sometimes maybe Stapy's wrong!
  • Liy: Oh, you just went there.
  • Stapy: It's on. But first let me get my list of reasons why Liy is always right.
  • Firey Jr.: You know what, Stapler?

[All of the lucid contestants begin to argue at the same time. This is what they say individually.]

Pencil: Liy, I'm arguing with you for no apparent reason, but I'm here to support Match here because we've been friends for so long, and I've known you for, like, a billion years, so that's not long...
Match: Omg, like, Liy, Pencil is always right! Wait, no. "Liy Pencil" can't be right because that would, like, signify that both of you are right, and since we're so one-sided, then only one of us can be, like, right...
Liy: Pencil, Match, how dare you tell me what sarcasm is and what it isn't. Gosh, do I look like I can say something and mean something else? I am as pure as an elephant here, and yes, I know what an elephant is...
Stapy: Liy is always right; Liy is never wrong. She is completely and truly accurate in all that she says. All except for the Foldy situation, which is something, heh heh, for which I still need to revise my list...
Firey Jr.: Stapy, are you even listening to me? Your obsession with Liy is getting out of hand; it's awful having one nutty simp in this Four-influenced classroom-slash-protectorate, but two? You're...
8-Ball: Bystander effect, bystander effect, bystander effect, bystander effect, bystander effect, bystander effect...
Dora: Dadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadada! [Subtitles: "I'm bickering because it comes naturally to me!"]
Bracelety: Yeah! I'm screaming because Ice Cube might be screaming right this second! Icy, Icy, yeah! Icy, Icy, she's a hero and she's cubical! Yeah, Ice Cube, yay!
Roboty: . . . . . . . .

[As the chaos unfolds in the EXIT, David turns around to face the door.]

  • David: Aw, seriously?

[He looks up and notices, with his X-ray vision, an extensive vent system. There is a sign next to the vent next to the ceiling that says "Do not go through the vent system".]

  • David: Aw, seriously?

[David scales the wall and opens the vent. He begins to crawl through the system above the contestants noisily, but no one notices.]

  • David: Aw—

[As the EXITers continue to argue, an electrical sound can be heard, seemingly zapping David out of existence. The "to be continued" sign returns as the episode comes to...]

THE END

Deleted scenes[]

  • The rain conversation was going to go a little differently. One of the characters was going to say something about how it hasn't rained in several weeks, and the person they were talking to would reply with "I love this equatorial 'Köppen type Aw' climate!"
  • Another risqué-ish joke from the members of Death P.A.C.T. Again: After Tree said that Marker and Pen look the same to him, Black Hole would go... (This line was dropped because it made more sense in the human version.)

Black Hole: That's not that true. We've all seen Marker uncapped, and you, you've woken up next to Pen more than once, so only you can say this, but—
Tree: Yes, the rumours are true. Writing utensils aren't so different after all.

  • Death P.A.C.T. Again and the team8s were supposed to change their names this episode. This was moved to the next one.
  • Lightning was to say "Shut up and use me" instead of "Yes, sir" to Snowball.
  • Two was going to say "That wasn't a question, too" instead of "That wasn't a question, either." The line about Two saying their name still stayed.
  • During the contest preparation, Basketball would tell Foldy that she is very "well-read". Book would be eavesdropping in the background, responding with "Oiamspisapmiaspomciapcmiascpaxm!" This was dropped in favour of her listening in on Death P.A.C.T. Again instead.
  • At the end of the challenge, Pen was supposed to have an internal monologue (in which he freaks out about being a bad leader). This was moved to the next episode.

Notes[]

  1. What the hell was this scene for? All of these new people (like Handbook, Quaddy and LCFU) are future recommended characters, and—spoiler alert—one of them might have a chance to join the show. Think of this scene as a (really hastily-written) backdoor pilot.
  2. There was a "Pencil Clone" in either BFDI 15 or 16 who looked exactly like Pencil. This is the TPOT version.
  3. Not the same one as the one from II. This is the recommended character from BFDI 12.
  4. Not a separate header because that's only business for the contest proper.
  5. This scene would be so much better visualized.
  6. Not exactly a recycled line, but it did appear in text form in BFDIA 5a.

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