"The Switchgate" is the non-canon eighth episode of TPOT by Jacknjellify. It was released on 5 July 1975. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 8 (or even TPOT 2) comes out. During the creation process, this episode was known as "Little House on the Savannah" until that was moved to be the title of the episode after this.
- 1 Pre-credits scenes
- 2 Cake at Stake
- 3 Post-Cake at Stake
- 4 Pre-contest
- 5 Contest
- 6 Post-contest
- 7 Post-credits scene
- 8 Deleted scenes
- 9 Notes
- Kitchen Sink: Alright, roomies, breakfast ideas.
- Pie: I don't care, as long as I don't go hungry.
- Scissors: Can I have that pasta that only tastes good when you microwave it—what's it called? The— the—
- Pie: We know what it's called.
- Scissors: I don't!
- Kitchen Sink: Sorry, don't think I'm up for anything microwaveable.
- Pie: Come on, Goikyan Bikini Atoll was ten thousand days ago. It was preventing death.
- Scissors: Since when were you a fan of documentaries?
- Kitchen Sink: [preparing the food anyway] No, you don't understand. I think something is wrong with this hotel.
[Kitchen Sink is about to put the bowl in the microwave, which is usually in the shape of a smiling face. It frowns as he puts it in.]
- Kitchen Sink: See?
- Pie: I see.
[A knock on the door, belonging to a familiar voice.]
- Ice Cube: [from behind] Wha?
- Basketball: Wow, GB. I didn't think you needed TB that much.
- Golf Ball: Correction, Basketball! I don't need him; he needs me!
- Robot Flower: That's highly likely!
- Grassy: I'm Grassy!
- Robot Flower: But there's nothing we can do about it! Besides, we aren't on your team.
- Golf Ball: Alright, I'll seek help elsewhere. TV, activate your TPOTer locator!
- TV: I'm sorry, but I am having trouble finding a stable connection.
- Robot Flower: You'll get used to it.
- Grassy: Yes, the WiFi seems to be unusually spotty in some directions.
- Grassy: Grassy has sensors!
- Golf Ball: Great, now censor your mouth.
- Basketball: Ah, so that's why it was a mistake to come here. Come on, guys.
[Exit Basketball with Grassy and Robot Flower.]
- TV: Perhaps you should avoid thinking about Tennis Ball.
- Golf Ball: That's a great idea, TV! For now on, my mind will be occupied with square roots instead of backhand pursuits.
[Enter Pen and Eraser, who are wearing sweatbands. Pen is carrying two tennis rackets and Eraser is holding a ball.]
- Pen: Hey, Golf Ball, is it okay if we go to the hotel tennis court?
- Golf Ball: Absolutely not!
- Pen: But we're playing doubles with RS and Anchor!
- Eraser: Yeah, GB, you're not going to call a team meeting or some other junk like that, eh?
- Golf Ball: Don't even think about partaking in that sport! Not until he comes back!
- Pen: Oh... okay.
[He and Eraser walk off.]
- Pen: [walking off] How about we play golf instead?
- Eraser: Still think you're in that country club, bro? Y'know, I hate golf, especially the ball.
- Golf Ball: [Aside.] Dum-dums.
[Enter Tree spontaneously.]
- Tree: I couldn't agree more.
- Golf Ball: I am trying to be alone!
[Exit TV quietly.]
- Black Hole: [calling out] Hey, Tree, why don't you come join us, for something.
- Tree: [to Golf Ball] Sorry. I've a function.
[Exit. Jump to Death P.A.C.T. Again, who have arranged a meeting. Everyone sits around a cardboard standee of Firey.]
- Black Hole: I'm sure you are wondering, why I have gathered you here this morning.
[Lightning raises his hand and jumps up and down. Black Hole doesn't notice.]
- Remote: Black Hole, Lightning has a question.
- Black Hole: Yes?
- Lightning: So to clarify, this cardboard cut-out of Firey is here to enhance the mood?
- Black Hole: Yep. Isn't that right, Fanny.
- Fanny: Why did we buy this?
- Black Hole: Anyway, I will, now, hand over the invisible microphone to our speaker, so that some people can finally get rid, of their violent thoughts, against a certain Are-You-Okayer.
- Tree: And by "some people", you mean me?
- Black Hole: No, Tree, I mean the entire cast of Open Source Objects.
- Fanny: Are you people done? I want to speak now!
- Black Hole: Sure, go ahead.
Alternating between outside and the Evil Forest
Fanny: ♫ If what you wish to know is why I've started singing,
To muse you must forgo; just hear what I am bringing.
No need to ask me why, about that mad one's eye;
This is a tale so old and frail,
I'm shocked it does not die.
Chorus: We'll surely find out why,
About the mad one's eye.
So we may learn to twist and turn
Our friend's deluded lie!
Fanny: Once, in the Woods Reviled—'twas in the prior cent'ry—
A boy walked home and smiled; a demon found its entry.
It turned his eyes blood-red, corrupted his kind head
And made him kill his kinsmen ill,
Until he last lay dead.
Its second victim was by far more cruel than matey;
This was not bad because he had killed more than eighty!
When he was then possess'd, he laid an ant to rest
And that was it; (one must admit
His death was for the best).
Ah, that was long ago—I hope of this you've knowledge—
'Tis something one must know go he to gnostic college.
But tragedy may strike ye objects all alike;
The mad one's eye may by and by
Deprave your show-mate's psych'.
Chorus: So she has thus implied
All people to have died;
Now, if we heed this desk fan's plead,
We shan't be mad-one's-eye'd. ♫
[By the time she is done singing, Fanny has gathered the attention of a large crowd of contestants. Meanwhile, Tennis Ball is confronted by a huge shadow that envelops him until he can no longer be seen.]
- Tennis Ball: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
[Fade to black. In the dark we can hear this exchange of dialogue.]
- Tree: You know, you could have just said that the mad one's eye hurts those who are least inclined to hurt others most.
- Fanny: [in her singing voice] Yes, but I hate speaking!
- Two: [clapping] I think I know what time it is!
- Marker: Is it time to be afraid?
- Nickel: I think it is!
- Two: For some people it is. But for everyone, it's time toOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—
[The intro plays.]
- Two: —have Cake at Stake.
- Saw: Wow, that was a bit of an emotional whiplash.
- Two: Then you're going to love this one!
Cake at Stake
Cake at Stake place
[Slow, piano-based soul theme, as is usual for the mid-1970s. A plaintive female vocal introduces the elimination ceremony. Think Roberta Flack.]
♫ It's Cake at Stake in the city,
It's Cake at Stake in the town.
Who'll go home?
That shall be known.
The loser will be a clown! ♫
- Two: So, what do you think?
- Cake: This is kind of intense.
- Grassy: Grassy doesn't like clowns!
- Clock: [chill-like] Same, bro.
- Price Tag: We've just gone from scared to happy to sad.
- Golf Ball: Or annoyed. "Home" and "known" don't rhyme unless you're willing to sacrifice the place of articulation!
- Two: [clapping] Hush now, I'm talking! As you know, the team8s lost last time.
- Coiny: And it's all thanks to Gaty.
- Gaty: [agitated] How was I supposed to know about the internal structure of a laughing bug? Do I look like a biologist?
- Pin: Actually, Gaty, you look like a gate.
[Two claps again.]
- Two: Settle down, infants. Don't forget that one of you is going to my hotel and not coming out. And the six of you who are safe will be getting this.
[Two pulls out a piece of chalk.]
- Donut: It's chalk.
- Barf Bag: Sidewalk chalk.
- Pin: Ooh, ooh, I love sidewalks!
- Two: Yeah. The person who received the most votes is... Donut!
[Donut gets a piece of chalk. Ditto with the other contestants declared "safe".]
- Two: With [number] votes, he is safe. Also safe is... Coiny!
- Saw: Omg, seriously?
[Coiny catches his chalk piece with his tongue.]
- Coiny: De-LICIOUS!!
- Two: Don't try that at home, kids. Pin and Saw, you two are also safe.
- Saw: Yay! Thanks to everyone who followed my massive ad campaign!
[Jump cut to a live-action billboard in some random Indian city with Saw's picture and the words "Save Saw (Vote [D])" on it.]
- Pin: Now we can draw love notes on each other, Coiny!
- Coiny: Bleep, yeah!
- Needle: [faking happiness] Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-bleh.
[Timpani sound effect: Barf Bag, Needle and Gaty have not yet been declared safe.]
- Two: Barf Bag! Despite your antics, you're safe. Now it's down to Gatle and Needy—I mean—
[Needle slaps Two.]
- Needle: Don't call me Needy!
[So does Gaty.]
- Gaty: Don't call me Gatle!
- Two: In that case, Needle is eliminated.
- Needle: What? But why?
- Two: Self-fulfilling prophecy, I guess. It seems that you were also eliminated early on in BFDI, were you not?
- Needle: I don't think that's what a self-fulfilling prophecy is.
- Coiny: Oh no!
- Pin: My bestie, eliminated? It may not be!
- Needle: I know I haven't been here for a long time, but I really wanted to say something and I think it's necessary that I tell each and every one of you.
- Two: Bye-bye, now.
- Needle: I love—
[Two flings Needle to the top of the hotel. Eventually, she falls through the roof and the sound of glass breaking can be heard, even from the Cake at Stake place.]
- Two: Like my new flinger? It makes the goodbye process a lot quicker.
- Donut: Two, are you mad? We didn't even say anything! Besides, that's got to hurt.
- Pin: Wait, what does Needle love?
- Snowball: [from the audience] It better be me! I'm all lovable!
[Golf Ball snorts.]
- Coiny: Know what it's not? Being called Needy.
[A giant hand reaches out from the top of the hotel and slaps Coiny.]
- Two: Yes. Slap. Well, the voters have chosen not to keep Needle in the game, which means you, Gaty, get a piece of chalk!
- Gaty: I... I can't believe I'm safe!
- Saw: Heck, yeah. You get to stay for another day!
- Gaty: [tired] Yay...
Post-Cake at Stake
- Coiny: Attention, everyone.
- Saw: [Aside.] Oh no, he's about to give a speech.
- Coiny: Ice Cube. Bomby. Fries, Rocky, Needle. What do these people have in common that we don't?
- Donut: They don't... talk much?
- Coiny: Yes! But more importantly, they were all on BFDIA. It's only a matter of time before another contestant from that glorious season is sent to Two's hotel without so much as a word of goodbye! It could be me next, or Pin, or Donut! And that would be awful!
- Pin: Despicable.
- Donut: Terrible!
- Barf Bag: Er... Coiny?
- Coiny: [about Barf Bag, Saw and Gaty] Well, if it's one of you who'll go, that's fine, because you don't have the BFDIA "wow factor" in you. You're nothing but strangers, to be honest.
[Saw and Gaty gasp, the first out of surprise and the second out of indignation.]
- Gaty: Now, wait a minute—
- Coiny: Pin, Donut, on the count of three, we yell "W.O.A.H. Bunch!" One, two, thr—
- Gaty: COINY!
[The whole team look at Gaty, shocked that she could even raise her voice.]
- Gaty: I've got something to say— [sees that he's about to say something] and I'd be grateful if you didn't interrupt me for once, please.
[Coiny shuts up and sits down.]
- Gaty: This whole season, in addition to wanting to win this power of Two, I've also craved a sense of belonging. We've lost two of our best friends to BFB, and now that we're in a team with people who don't even treat us like equals because of the show that we were on? Just because I'm surrounded by potential allies doesn't make the loss go away; it only makes it worse, and it's turning us more isolated and sad. And I think I have had enough of it. You can pretend to know my name all you want, Coiny, but that won't change the fact that you have been, unduly, favouring your "BFDIA gang" throughout this whole competition. And if that's the way you treat those who are meant to be close to you, then I want nothing more to do with you or your lousy attitude.
[Silence. Gaty sees that Coiny looks really upset. She also notices that all the contestants are looking at her, so she shrinks away quietly. Enter Two spontaneously.]
- [ · ]: So does that mean you don't want to be a team8 any more?
- Gaty: [breathes out] Sorry, I've talked too much today.
- Two: No, you're good! I take it you want to switch teams?
- Gaty: Yes! [Aside.] If that's okay with you.
- Two: I see no problem with it. [consults the rules] Clock?
- Winner: He's sleeping.
- Two: Still? How funny! [to Gaty] Okay. So Gaty is no longer a member of the team8s.
- Gaty: That's right.
- Saw: Wait! Can I... also switch?
- Coiny: What?
- Saw: I'm sorry, but G8y raised some really good points out there! I bet you don't even know who I am.
- Coiny: Oh... um... you're...
- Pin: The one who says "eight" a lot!
- Coiny: Yeah, that one! Eight... -y?
- Saw: [deadpan] I'm switching, too.
- Two: All right! Which team would you like to join?
- Eggy: Ooh, join us!
- Bell: We're the full team!
- Basketball: With more people, we'll be the strongest team on Earth!
- Snowball: We are The Strongest Team on Earth!
- Book: How about us? [to Price Tag] The three of us had so much fun on Team together!
- Gaty: Er, actually, we'd like to join The S!
- Saw: Ooh, The S! sounds cool.
- Yellow Face: Hummina-hummina-hummina—
- Two: Then it's settled. Gaty and Saw, you two are now a part of The S!
- Gaty: Awesome!
- Saw: This is gr8!
[They begin to walk over to where The S! are as everyone stares at the first contestants that have switched teams in TPOT.]
- Gaty: [to Saw] Don't look back...
- Saw: Wait, why are we joining The S!?
- Gaty: It's simple! Everyone knows that C and P are all buddy-buddy with Clock. Now that he's on a team with us, their brand-new enemies, they'll have no choice but to be nice to us!
- Saw: Well, that's smart.
- Gaty: Innit?
[Meanwhile, with the remainder of the team8s.]
- Pin: Coiny, what's wrong? You look like you've just eaten a bell pepper.
- Coiny: NO ONE leaves my team! No one! [kicks the hotel post box] Gyaaaaaaaa!
- Pin: Calm your mills, honey.
- Barf Bag: [Aside, to Donut.] You know, the short ones are always the most violent.
- Donut: Sometimes it looks funny.
- Coiny: [grabbing Donut by his sides] YOU! You're not going to abandon our team, are you?!
- Donut: Well, no, I...
- Coiny: [pointing at Pin, accusingly] And you? Are you going to— [calmly] Wait, you're Pin. I'm loyal to you 100%, so I know you won't switch!
- Pin: Right.
[Two claps again—this seems to be a recurring thing.]
- Two: Challenge time! Today's contest is to...
[Two turns their head slowly towards the hotel.]
- Two: Hold on a minute, I think something's going on in my hotel.
[Everyone talks at once.]
- Two: In the meantime, you will continue to have your challenge as usual. I just need someone to be a host for the day. Someone neutral and willing not to be part of any team—
- Barf Bag: I'll do it!
- Donut: Are you sure, Barfy?
- Barf Bag: I'll be fine. Right, Two?
- Two: Er, yeah. [Aside.] As long as you don't do anything illegal.
- Barf Bag: Please. In BFB 22, Four accessed the abandoned courtroom. I could never top that.
- Two: Hmm... that is true. Well, have fun!
[Exit Two in a hurry.]
- Barf Bag: Hello, can I have everyone's attention please?
[Everyone gets quiet.]
- Barf Bag: Your challenge today is... to illustrate the essence of me, Barf Bag!
[Everyone talks at once.]
- Barf Bag: If you know me, you've got this in the bag! [points to herself] The team that offends me the most will be up for elimination! Go!
- Two: [entering the hotel] Hop Bell, what's the problem here?
- Hop Bell: Ask them. [points to Discy, Conch Shell and Boom Mic, who look worried]
- Discy: Well, it happened a couple of minutes ago.
[Flashback to a couple of minutes ago, in Room 202. Discy, Conch Shell and Boom Mic are dancing in their hotel room to disco music on a vinyl record player.]
- Boom Mic: Cool jams!
- Conch Shell: What the heck kind of music is this, anyway?
- Discy: Disco, it's all the rage these days! My dad told me about it when we were stationed in Goikyan Okinawa.
- Conch Shell: It's so catchy. Like a rash.
- Boom Mic: Omg, what if BRACELETY likes disco as much as I do?
- Discy: Sure she will. I know this kind of music is going to last forever.
- [As soon as she says that, the record player explodes.]
- Boom Mic: Don't think that's what forever means.
- Discy: ... and when we got out of the room, it turns out Leek had the same problem.
[Enter Leek, who goes downstairs with Salt Lamp.]
- Leek: Oh, good, the manager. Two, we're having a problem with the lights.
- Two: It's morning; you don't need lights.
- Leek: But I need a lamp so I can read my new book of conspiracy theories! I know it's weird because I live with a salt lamp at the moment, but—
- Two: [a bit agitated] Oiyeeg, alright, Hop Bell, you know what to do, right?
- Hop Bell: No.
- Two: Go to Room 202 to fix the broken broken broken broken broken record player, and then go to Room 209 to see if the lights are working.
- Hop Bell: At your service.
[Hop Bell salutes Two and exits.]
- Two: Okay.
[Enter PDA and Income Tax Return Document. They both look annoyed.]
- Two: What seems to be the problem with you?
- Income Tax Return Document: The noisemaker in the bathroom isn't working. It just goes— [imitating the ding] dee-yoomp.
- PDA: Yeah, and when I went back to get my lunch, I found a needle in our room!
- Two: And you live on the top floor, correct?
- PDA: Well, yes, but—
- Two: Then that needle is your new roommate.
- Income Tax Return Document: What about my issue?
- Two: You're an object; you don't need to go to the toilet.
- Income Tax Return Document: And numbers do? This is getting weird; I'm walking outside.
- PDA: Me too.
- Two: Wait, technically, you're still eliminated from episode 1! Bomby, put a stop to this!
- Bomby: No.
- Barf Bag: [observing] All right, keep working everyone!
[She walks into a pyramidal log that has been put in the pathway.]
- Barf Bag: Who put this log in the way?
- Cake: [off-screen] Sorry, BB, we just found it and used it as a model for our pyramid!
- Barf Bag: Your...
With Just Not
[She looks up and sees that Just Not have arranged themselves in a pyramid formation, the way cheerleaders do in American high school films: Naily, Book and Pillow are at the bottom, Cake and Nickel in the middle and Price Tag at the top.]
- Barf Bag: Whoa. How long can you stay like that?
- Price Tag: Not as long as you'd think. Can you judge us already?
- Barf Bag: Uh... sure. Just as soon as everyone else is finished.
[Exit Barf Bag in a hurry.]
- Book: ISBN... [after which words show up on the screen, saying "I'm s––ting bricks now"] This is going to take a while.
With The S!
[The team are planning on representing Barf Bag's shape with their
- Winner: It was really smart of you to call Coiny out today.
- Gaty: Thanks! With every word of praise, I regret it a little less.
- Winner: No, don't say that, it was wonderful! Someone needs to step up to "Mr. Hotshot".
- Gaty: Speaking of hotshots, what's with him?
[With her foot, Gaty points to Clock, who is lying down in his beach chair. He is also wearing sunglasses and doesn't seem to notice anyone around him.]
- Winner: Oh. Clock's gone unresponsive.
- Saw: Is he, like, ill or something?
- Winner: Nah, he's just playing it cool.
- Clock: Taking in the good vibes, dude.
- Winner: I bet $27.63 that he's going to break in this episode.
- Gaty: Deal.
[Yellow Face begins to yell, which visibly startles Gaty.]
- Yellow Face: Well, Clock's making me sick right now!
- Winner: Oh, why's that, Yellow Face?
- Yellow Face: You know when you're in a really smooth car ride and you feel like it should be bumpier? Well, now you can get that rough transport experience with "Random Object"! Just place it under any paved country road and it will decrease your chance of throwing up by 99.9997—
- Cloudy: Er... Yellow Face, that sounds a bit like a you problem.
- PDA: [who has been overhearing them] Lol!
- Income Tax Return Document: Yes! Lol!
[Everyone stares at these unexpected visitors—Income Tax Return Document and PDA are surrounded by a few recommended characters.]
- Winner: [to Gaty] So welcome to our team...
- Shopping Cart: Two, we have a problem.
- Two: What is it now?
- Shopping Cart: There's no water coming out of our shower!
- Two: That is a problem. If nothing comes out of the shower, then someone's in trouble. Maybe it's my new songwriter.
- Shopping Cart: But something is coming out!
- Two: What is it, then?
[Enter Tape, wearing a bathrobe. Their roommates Shampoo and VHSy also come down.]
- Tape: Ice! I got hit in the head with the icy!
[Enter Ice Cube, Blender and Onigiri.]
- Ice Cube: Wha?
- Two: Carry on! It shouldn't be that bad to shower in ice, especially with this whole global warming thing.
- Ice Cube: Well, I want to bathe in water, not low-quality clones of myself!
[Everyone gasps, for Ice Cube has said something new.]
- Two: Did you just hear her talk?
[Everyone nods silently.]
- Two: Wow! I'd sooner hear Blender speak English or Snowball recite Shaking Spear than Ice Cube with her first original line in years. Ha, ha, I thought you were like one of those knock-off baby dolls, you know, only allowed to say three phrases?
- VHSy: Did anyone else lose their train of thought?
- Shampoo: I was so thrown off by Icy talking that I've completely forgotten about my Nickel-eating obsession.
With Are You Okay
[Golf Ball shows her team a blueprint of how she wants to set up the team's Barf Bag essence.]
- Golf Ball: With Tennis Ball M.I.C. ["missing in competition"], there are only five of us left.
- Pen: And Fries.
- Eraser: No, Pen, Fries got eliminated.
- Pen: Wait, really?
- Golf Ball: I can't believe you've just noticed that now. Anyway, we don't have time for additional conversations, so let's just set up the team pyramid!
- Puffball: But why are we making a pyramid if everyone else is doing it? [indicating Just Not and some of the other teams trying to arrange themselves]
- Golf Ball: In that case, we're making a triangular prism. Darned copycats.
- Pen: GB, what's a—
- TV: [explaining for Golf Ball] A triangular prism has a three-sided base and rises gradually to a peak.
- Pen: I was going to ask what a cat is, but that's cool, too. Thanks, TV!
- TV: No problem.
- Golf Ball: [Aside.] Ugh, friendship. Such as that in which I cannot indulge right now. [Aloud.] Eraser, Pen, you make the bases.
- Eraser: What, so people got to stand on me?
- Golf Ball: You get to be a base because you are strong.
- Eraser: Yeeeeaaaah. Brooooooooo! [He flexes his regular-arm-width-wide arms.]
- Golf Ball: And Pen, you're on the bottom because you are easy to dominate.
- Pen: As if you'd know that. [Aside, to Eraser.] How does she know that?
- Golf Ball: The rest of you make the middle, and I'm at the top because I am the closest to Barf Bag in everything but appearance!
[Barf Bag walks by.]
- Barf Bag: Don't know if that's an insult or not... but interesting!
With Death P.A.C.T. Again
[The team constantly tries to make a pyramid out of themselves but fails. Black Hole has his limitations, you know.]
- Lightning: Hey, Deathagainners? Can we talk about our plan?
- Remote: It looks fair to me.
- Marker: And meeeeeee!
- Black Hole: Yeah, it's not that easy to die, in a challenge like this.
- Lightning: But what if we're doing this wrong?
- Fanny: I hate being wrong!
- Lightning: Listen, everyone. I've spent my life looking down on the world. Black Hole, back me up here!
- Black Hole: I have to side with Lightning on this one. You all don't know what it's like, to see just Earth for prolonged periods of time. You should know, that I've told every little star.
- Tree: That's a fascinating way of putting it, sure, but what does that have to do with the challenge?
- Lightning: How about... instead of making a pyramid that goes up, we make a "Barf Bag shape" that goes this way?
[He points at the ground.]
- Black Hole: Sounds good.
- Remote: So if Barf Bag floats into space, she can see what we've done.
- Fanny: I hate two-dimensional shapes!
[Barf Bag walks by.]
- Barf Bag: [to no one in particular] Don't tell anyone, but I hate 2D shapes as well.
- Fries: Hey, Two, can you come upstairs?
- Two: One at a time! [returns to their phone call] Sorry, Clappy, I can't fix the TVs now. We'll send our—
- Fries: Wait, Clapboard's having telly troubles too?
- Anchor: [to Fries] You seriously say "telly", bruh?
- Two: [over the phone] Please hold. [to Fries] I'm sorry, but running a hotel with 120 rooms and only one staff member is overwhelming enough; what could possibly be more urgent than one television set on fire?
- Fries: Two television sets on fire.
[Enter Snare Drum.]
- Snare Drum: Raise it, three!
- Boom Mic: Okay, if TV sets are suddenly catching on fire, then something must be going on.
- Two: [happy] Ah, well, back to phone calls!
- Avocado: Shoosh, I'm out of here!
- Anchor: Ey, me too.
- Two: Oh no, they're leaving! This must be how Coiny feels.
[Enter 9-Ball and Battery.]
- 9-Ball: Hey, Two?
- Battery: Yeah, Two?
- 9-Ball: The shower's all messed up!
- Two: Agh, who cares if it's raining ice?
- Ice Cube: I do!
[Everyone gasps again.]
- 9-Ball: It's raining rancid vegetable oil, not water. Now our dinner's spoilt!
- Two: First of all, I don't know what the heck you do in your hotel rooms. And second... [pointing to the phone] I'm dealing with other issues here!
[Enter Rubber Spatula.]
- Rubber Spatula: Hi, Two, I need a friend to talk to.
- 9-Ball: My issue is clearly more important!
- Discy: Can I get an ETA on the record player repair?
- Two: [on the phone] What's that? Your cabinets are turning into dust as you look at them?
- 9-Ball: You don't get it, Two; because of the shower, I'm going to smell awful now!
[Two puts down the phone.]
- Two: Who says you smell awful?
- 9-Ball: The last person I talked to who had nostrils, nine years ago!
- Two: Well, I have nostrils and I don't think you smell bad.
- Pie: Wait, you have nostrils?
- Blender: Neusgaten?
- Fries: I still want to talk about the burning TVs—
- Kitchen Sink: And the microwave malfunction!
- Scissors: What makes nostrils relevant here?
- Battery: Oi, can we not talk about nostrils?
- Two: [angry] You want nostrils? I'll give you all nostrils!
[Just like in episode 6, Two begins to sneeze unknown-bleck cylinders from their nostrils, which are still located where their navel should be. They're blanks; there are no dead people hidden inside. It still makes the wet fart sound. Everyone makes "ah" or "ew" sounds.]
- Fries: Oh no!
- Bomby: Disgusting!
[Half of the people leave the hotel, complaining.]
- 9-Ball: [among the clamour] Forget it, I'm going to smell bad and like it!
With The S!
[Barf Bag stops to admire what The S! are doing with their team essence: Bottle, Saw and Cloudy run around in circles to represent Barf Bag's sometimes mobile zig-zags at the top of her body, while Yellow Face, Winner and Clock represent her motionless base (with Clock being the most motionless of them all). Gaty is to act as compère.]
- Barf Bag: Looking nice here, Esses.
- Clock: I don't have to hold a pose sitting here.
- Saw: But we do!
- Bottle: Yeah, we do!
- Yellow Face: I want to run around in circles!
- Barf Bag: [sigh] It's so weird calling the team that you're on "your team", Gaty. Miss you already!
- Gaty: You know, this hosting thing is most likely temporary.
- Barf Bag: Most likely? I don't think Two'll be gone until the finale!
- Gaty: Imagine how crazy it would be if you hosted everything.
- Barf Bag: Yeah, and I'd never go home!
- Gaty: Is that why you were so quick to step up when Two asked us?
- Barf Bag: Well... yeah. I've been thinking and I've got to ask you this: Would you like me to join your team?
- Gaty: I mean, it'd be nice. We need the numbers to stand up to that gutter group.
- Barf Bag: I know, but...
- Gaty: You know you can switch teams if you want.
- Barf Bag: I know that too, but... I've still got Donut and he's really into that "diversity in number of seasons competed" stuff.
[She looks at Donut, who appears to be the centre of whatever the team8s are doing. From The S!'s area, it looks like Coiny and Pin are orbiting around him.]
- Gaty: Yep. Well, it's your choice.
With The Strongest Team on Earth
[This team is making a 2D representation of Barf Bag as well. Or at least they're trying to.]
- Basketball: Come on, Snowball, you've got to move!
- Robot Flower: This is the best spot to make a Barf Bag essence!
- Eggy: Wouldn't the best place for the essence of a barf bag be on a bumpy airplane ride? Think about it.
- Bell: That could work...
- Basketball: Yeah, but I don't think we can rent a plane in the next thirty minutes or so.
- Snowball: I'm not budging! Why don't you come make your shape next to me?
- Basketball: Oh, wow, that actually made sense.
- Grassy: We did it!
- Robot Flower: Team, let's move!
- Naily: You're seriously making Barf Bag like that? That's so Death P.A.C.T. Again!
[Jump cut to Death P.A.C.T. (in their 2D model) having a stare-down with Just Not (in their 3D model).]
- Fanny: It's a good thing we're not going to fall down!
- Book: You know, it's good we haven't fallen down.
- Price Tag: We're really nailing this!
- Nickel: What, the puns or the pyramid?
- Price Tag: Both! Don't tell Naily I said that, though.
[Back to TSTOE.]
- Basketball: Anyway, what are you doing here?
- Naily: Just taunting a frenemy. Nyee-hee-hee.
- Basketball: Yeah, but aren't you, like, making a team pyramid right now?
- Naily: Oh no, I have to be somewhere!
[She runs backwards, making a cheeky >:3 face at Basketball the whole time.]
- Bell: Sometimes I like Naily, but I'm afraid that if she wins, she'll make it rain acid instead of money.
[A sound effect of crashing contestants sounds in the background. The camera pans to Just Not, who have all fallen over.]
- Cake: My leg!
- Naily: Oops. Heh-heh...
With Are You Okay
[The team pyramid stands sturdily.]
- Golf Ball: Gasp! The Evil Forest! Previously mentioned by Basketball!
- Puffball: What about it?
- Golf Ball: I forgot to tell Tennis Ball to stop walking in the last contest! Based on the direction he was going, and the slow speed that is typical for a ball as massive as he is, he's probably over there right now, alone and scared and in desperate need of me!
[Jump cut to almost complete silence and darkness in the Evil Forest. Nothing can be seen except the trees (and even then barely), similar to the BFDIA 1 Alternate Cut.]
[Barf Bag rings a bell.]
- Barf Bag: Ring-dinga-dinga-ding, ding-ding! It is time to judge your essences!
- Book: There are way better words in this language to describe what we've just done.
- Barf Bag: [who couldn't hear Book clearly] What's that, Just Not? You want to volunteer first?
- Price Tag: No, we're good! [to Nickel] Sure this is going to work?
- Nickel: Yeah, Lawl-Mart always delivers at record speed.
- Cake: It's great you came up with this idea.
- Nickel: Hey, this is to make up for not being with all y'all last episode.
[Meanwhile, with Barf Bag and Are You Okay.]
- Barf Bag: Are You Okay!
- The team: Yeah?
- Marker: The pyramid is talking!
- Fanny: No, it's not!
- Barf Bag: I like what you've done. I'm not really sure what forming a pyramid has to do with me, but it has a nice structure.
[She moves on.]
- Barf Bag: What about you, Death P.A.C.T. Again?
- Remote: We have done the same thing, but in two dimensions.
- Barf Bag: Is there anything special about what you've just done?
- Tree: No, it's just a shape. That's all.
- Barf Bag: I see that.
[She moves on again.]
- Barf Bag: And The Strongest Team on Earth, you've done the same thing.
- Basketball: Not exactly! Snowball makes for a nice centrepiece that we were lucky to go around.
- Snowball: I'm the centre of all people.
- Barf Bag: Uh-huh. Well, it is creative. [pointing to The S!'s model] But not unique.
- Gaty: We... we did the same thing, but with a little something special. Saw?
- Saw: One, two, three, four!
[Saw raises a sign that says "Friendship! Opportunity! Other things!"]
- All of The S! except for Clock: Join our team! Join our team! Join our team!
- Barf Bag: How tempting.
[Donut clears his throat.]
- Barf Bag: And now the team8s!
- Donut: Our team made a molecule. But it's not just any molecule; it's a barf molecule.
- Barf Bag: [Aside.] This can go one of two ways.
- Donut: I represent the central atom, which in turn embodies the bravery and strength that distinguishes our team in times of need. Coiny and Pin are the peripheral atoms, who have promised to do as they are told when they are directed by the eternally resilient pair of you and me.
- Barf Bag: That's... beautiful!
[Fade to the final team being judged: Just Not.]
- Book: Alright, team, this can either make or break us for the next episode.
- Barf Bag: You really went there.
- Nickel: [happy] Yeah-huh!
- Barf Bag: And you ordered a barf bag from Lawl-Mart.
- Book: With real barf!
[Barf Bag looks a bit disgusted.]
- Cake: We're sorry!
- Barf Bag: Sorry? What you made is what I am: a barf bag. But what makes it different from all the other barf bags around?
- Naily: Um... we draw a happy face on it.
- Price Tag: [Aside.] We did?
- Naily: Yes, that's exactly what we did!
[Naily grabs Marker, who has been standing next to her, uncaps him and draws a purple happy face with him on the bag.]
- Naily: See? The— the happy face, it represents how you're strong, and resilient, and times of need, and... all that other stuff Donut said earl—we were on Team Ice Cube together, remember?
- Marker: I remember!
- Barf Bag: Yeah, well, that makes sense.
- Donut: So, er, Barf Bag, who wins the contest and who loses?
- Barf Bag: I think the obvious answer is the essence that took the most thought in making. The team that wins this contest is... the team8s.
[Gasping sound effect.]
- Golf Ball: You are on that team; this is biased!
- Gaty: No, it's not. She's in between teams right now.
- Barf Bag: That's right. And now for the losing team... Well, I didn't really like the "lie down in the shape of me" stuff.
- Saw: Oh no, that's us.
- Gaty: [Aside, to Saw.] This is biased.
- Barf Bag: But The Strongest Team on Earth and The S! actually did something special in their creations, something Death P.A.C.T. Again didn't do.
- Lightning: Oh no!
- Barf Bag: I guess that means they lose.
- Fanny: Oh.
- Barf Bag: Don't worry, because you didn't offend me! It was just... not as inspired as the others.
- Tree: Well, that's fine. Should have known that Barf Bag can't float into space.
- Black Hole: Good game, everyone.
[Enter Two, but not spontaneously. They run out of the hotel, chased by an angry mob of everyone that was inside earlier. Some of the people in the mob make some really weird screaming noises, like "Umguiguiguiguiguigui" and "Jickska-hemmana-jickska-hemmana" and "🅰️🅰️🅰️🅰️🅰️🅰️🅰️🅰️🅰️".]
- Two: So this is what they meant by "overthrow the system!"
[Everyone stares at Two, confused. They stop and so does the mob.]
- Two: Anyway, Barf Bag, thanks for hosting for me while I cleared something up in the inn. Death P.A.C.T. Again lost, you said?
[Barf Bag nods.]
- Two: Perfect! Not for them, but for me!
- Two: Vote in the comments using the letter and square brackets for who you don't want to be eliminated! Vote for who you want to stay! The person with the fewest votes will—
Outside the hotel
- Onigiri: Jishin! [Subtitles: "Earthquake or self!"]
- Two: Wha—
[The hotel is literally ripped from the ground and tossed into the air. It doesn't even hit the ground; it seemingly vanishes. Silence for e seconds (times two), i.e. 5.437 seconds.]
- Two: [in shock] What, wah, o? What, wah, o? Who, what, when, where, why, WHOMST!? How? Who, what, when, where, why, WHOMST!? How? A-e-i-o-u. A-e-i-o-u. Hemu Adhikari‽ Hemu Adhikari‽ Nine-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine-uuuuuuuuuuuu—
[Pen, ever the extrovert, slaps Two like Cher did in that movie. He is genuinely concerned about his host's sanity.]
- Pen: Two, snap out of it, buddy!
- Two: Youchie!
- Pen: Sorry, didn't mean to hurt you; I'll go and get you an ice pack.
[Pen walks towards the remains of the building but stops when he sees a familiar figure amid the dust. He gasps. Everyone else gasps (not one after the other as in BFB 7, but all together), for as the dust clears, the figure reveals itself: it is none other than this episode's missing contestant, Tennis Ball. He is possessed and looks absolutely terrifying (well, as terrifying as a talking tennis ball can look).]
- Golf Ball: TB, is that you?
- Tree: Golf Ball, don't move! He has red eyes!
[Golf Ball stops in her tracks as Tennis Ball turns around to face the giant crowd: Are You Okay and Death P.A.C.T. are in the front, followed by the other teams and everyone else in the background.]
- Golf Ball: What is the meaning of this, Tennis Ball? You should have been here to do the contest with us! I was forced to order around these useless yokels all day!
- TV: [Aside, to Puffball (about Eraser and Pen).] She thinks these city boys are yokels.
- Tree: He can't hear you; he's under the influence.
- Golf Ball: So much for our joint temperance sessions! Now I'm "madd" with two D's!
- Black Hole: No, he means Tennis Ball is under the influence of the mad one's eye.
- Golf Ball: What is that nonsense?
- Fanny: Did you not listen to my song? I hate when people don't listen! The mad one's eye is—
- Tennis Ball: Rawr.
[Silence, at how such a scary-looking person can make such a non-scary sound.]
- Lightning: Now that was unexpected.
- Tennis Ball: For so long did I wish to cause a little inconvenience to the residents of this hotel. But they were only intrusive thoughts, thoughts I was told to suppress... until now. For I have since acted on my thoughts and caused an inconvenience to the entire building!
[Tennis Ball laughs evilly.]
- Two: Mr. Ball... MY HOTEL IS GONE!
- Stapy: Thank you, Bracelety, for reprogramming the TV to play news broadcasts from the future.
- Liy: That's right. Now we have a connection to the world outside Tennessee. Everyone, say "thank you" to Bracelety!
[Everyone (except Pencil and Match) says "Thank you" to Bracelety, even Roboty (who does so in Morse Code).]
- Pencil: Why should I? She only did it to see what Ice Cube's up to!
- Bracelety: That is so not false!
- Match: Yeah, holler at me when, like, Loser Come Dancing comes back.
- Liy: Do it, 🅱️embers.
- Pencil: Thank you!
- Match: Buhjambalaya, you did, like, such a great job!
- Stapy: Thanks, Bracelety!
- Liy: Why'd you say it twice?
- Stapy: You're so persuasive.
- Firey Jr.: Gross.
- Bracelety: Pushing the "TV on" button... now!
[She turns on the television and footage from Mahaliland, that is, Tennis Ball giving his evil speech.]
- Tennis Ball: Your hotel was supposed to go into low Earth orbit after I tossed it with my mighty— [pauses awkwardly and looks down] leg. But because we have an atmosphere, it just exploded. Luckily—or perhaps unluckily for me—there was no one inside, so I basically just threw a rock.
[While he is saying this...]
- Match: Like, crudliously, Tennis Ball threw a building?
- Pencil: This ain't the news; it's science fiction!
- Match: Though, you've got to, like, like a guy who can lift that much weight. And his legs are mighty. And his eyes, they're so red. And don't get me, like, started on his—
- Pencil: ENOUGH, MATCH!
- Match: [not listening] Mm, claim me as yours, tuberculosis daddy!
- Pencil: Match, don't ever say that again.
- Match: Sorry.
- Liy: Was she moaning like that when I was gone?
- Stapy: Every hour. But don't you see, Liy? Red suits anyone!
- Liy: Sure, Stapy. That explains your sudden urge to be chased whenever I say "moo".
[On the television.]
- Two: I thought I could trust you! But you come and destroy my only source of income!
Outside the hotel
- Two: You know what, Tennis Ball? You are eliminated!
- Golf Ball: What? No one voted for him, so you can't eliminate him.
- Gaty: [Aside.] For once I agree.
- Two: It doesn't matter; this sport globule deserves to be locked up!
[She walks up to the remains of the hotel.]
- Golf Ball: TB, speak to me!
[Tennis Ball's eyes turn from red to black.]
- Tennis Ball: Wait, what's going on? Where's the hotel?
- Golf Ball: Oh, great, you're back!
- Tennis Ball: GB, I've missed you! Armless hug?
- Golf Ball: Not until we start planning for the next conte—
[The two of them get hit by an asteroid. Another moment of silence from the crowd for another 2e seconds. Bottle is the first to speak up in the background.]
- Bottle: And Tennis Ball and Golf Ball are dead!
[Clock gets up as he receives a taste of reality.]
- Clock: Le gasp! A death. It is my duty to get to the bottom of this! [to random strangers in the crowd] You, inform the notary! You, find a way to get Two sad again! Tick tock, stop standing around and get to work, people!
- Needle: I'll do anything for you!
- Winner: [to Gaty] And the forfeit?
- Gaty: Here.
[Gaty quickly hands Winner $27.63.]
- Winner: Thanks! Wait, you actually have Goikyan NZ dollars on you?
- Gaty: It's a long story.
Voting screen (again)
- Two: Vote for either Black Hole, Fanny, Lightning, Marker, Remote or Tree, 'kay? Thanks, bye! The person with the fewest votes will be sent to my hotel... which doesn't exist any more!
[Two runs off the set and cries as the credits roll to happy music.]
Outside the hotel
- Lightning: So what will we do now that bossy-bot Golf Ball's no longer with us?
- Snowball: [who is in the same sleeping bag] There's only one thing we can do!
- Grassy: Ding dong, the witch is dead, LET'S PARTY!
- Basketball: Yeah... I don't think we've any other choice.
- Discy: And I'll put on my disco records!
[Everyone says "Yeah!" It's the generic sound effect from BFDI, except it's been augmented by hundreds of new voices, most likely those of the Patreon subscribers.]
- Tree: [as the camera pans] What dance is that?
- Nickel: The twist, of course!
- Cake: Same here, brother.
- Fanny: I'm doing the armless Watusi! I hate it!
- Black Hole: Oh, you guys are so old-fashioned. Try the Black Hole hustle!
[The camera stops on the remains of Are You Okay.]
- Eraser: So, Pen, with those two gone, how does it feel being AYO's team leader?
- Pen: I'm the leader? Seriously?
- Eraser: Eh, why not.
- Pen: Awesome!
- Puffball: Hey, new team leader, want to join Fries and me?
- Pen: Coolio!
- Eraser: Don't stay out too late, kid. [to Puffball and Fries] On the dance floor, this dude's a real Killer Dough Zero.
- Fries: I'll believe it when I see it.
[Meanwhile, Gaty, Saw, Barf Bag and Winner are talking to each other. Book awkwardly bops to the beat next to them as she holds a drink.]
- Gaty: And that's why I carry foreign currency.
- Winner: I'll never look at you the same way again.
- Saw: Yep, that's G8y!
- Gaty: So, Barf Bag, have you chosen which team you want to be on?
- Barf Bag: Yeah, I think I'm going to stay with the team8s.
- Saw: Aw, seriously?
- Barf Bag: Don't worry, Donut told me about his plan for those two.
[She points to Donut teaching Coiny and Pin to dance properly. Enter Ruby, Bubble and Lollipop (this episode's special guest star.)]
- Lollipop: Why, hello, friends, enemy and person I've never met.
- Winner: I'm Winner.
- Gaty: Lollipop!
- Book: [surprised] Hey, what are you all doing here?
- Bubble: We thought we'd enjoy this gloirious moment with you all.
- Ruby: A FreeSmart reunion, if you will!
- Book: I would appreciate it... if you joined me on the floor, mothertruckers!
- Ruby: Are there two of them?
- Book: Yes!
- Ruby: Woot!
- Bubble: Yoylecake!
- Lollipop: I never miss a dance at the expense of others.
[Camera pans to the starlit sky as the music plays. For the last time, fade to black, signifying that this episode has reached...]
- Yeah... I probably should have explained in detail who stays where in one of the earlier episodes, but here we are. Note that Two's hotel, by the looks of it, has four floors (the ground floor is counted as "G" as is custom in the Commonwealth), and I'm just guessing each floor has thirty rooms (I mean, look at it!). It doesn't seem like a very big hotel as we see it in TPOT 1, but it's probably bigger on the inside. Anyway, here are the specific rooms where the ex-contestants/failed debuters are/were housed:
- First floor ("bottom floor" in "The Seekers Are Inn!")
- Room 104: Belongs to Rubber Spatula. Pen lived with him for 1.5 episodes.
- Room 110: Belongs to Shampoo, Tape and VHSy.
- Room 126: Belongs to Anchor. Fries has been living with him since TPOT 6.
- Second floor ("lower-middle floor")
- Room 201: Belonged to Ruby. Bubble was staying there, along with Balloony, Cloudy and Rocky until TPOT 6.
- Room 202: Belongs to Boom Mic, Conch Shell and Discy.
- Room 219: Belongs to Leek, Salt Lamp and Snare Drum.
- Room 223: Has belonged to Bomby since TPOT 5a. He was given a room by himself on account of Two's bad attitude when eliminating him.
- Third floor ("upper-middle floor")
- Room 304: Belongs to 9-Ball, Avocado and Battery.
- Room 317: Belongs to Camera and Clapboard.
- Room 320: Belongs to Blender and Onigiri. Ice Cube has been living with them since TPOT 4.
- Room 331: A hidden room meant for punishment of bad contestants. Nicknamed "Room Sick Sick Sick" despite there being no sixth floor. Two had chained Barf Bag and Clock to the room's walls from episode 5a to episode 6.
- Fourth floor ("top floor")
- Room 401: Belongs to Income Tax Return Document, PDA and Shopping Cart—the room is next to a wheel-ramp for accessibility. The contestant that is eliminated in this episode will be living with them after today.
- Room 402: Where Cash Reefun was staying for the Gogmatics' Convention in TPOT 5.
- Room 403: Where Gertrude was staying for the Gogmatics' Convention in TPOT 5.
- Room 404: Where Foldy Fan was staying for the Gogmatics' Convention in TPOT 5.
- Room 405: Where Silvery was staying for the Gogmatics' Convention in TPOT 5.
- Room 413: Where Walker (later Walter) was staying for the Gogmatics' Convention in TPOT 5.
- Room 420: Belongs to Kitchen Sink and Scissors. Pie has been living with them since TPOT 2.
- First floor ("bottom floor" in "The Seekers Are Inn!")
- A headcanon of mine is that Coiny has a low tolerance for spicy food. His folks eat cabbage, for petal's sake!
- Not regular crying: Two goes "wa-aea-aea-aea-aea-aea..." like a text to speech website.
- Big mid-seventies moment.