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"All Boxed In" is the non-canon fourth episode of TPOT by Jacknjellify. It was released on 9 February 1974. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 4 (or even TPOT 2) comes out. During the creation process, this episode was known as "Two Rocks the Elderly" until that title was moved to the next episode instead of this one. Other early titles for this included "Another Bad Creation" and "The Girl That I Never Had".[1]

Previous episode: "Start Spreading the News"
Next episode: "So This Is Life"

Flashback[]

Two's hotel[]

  • Clock: [going down the stairs of the hotel] Hey, Two, I've got something to tell you! Two? [appears in the foreground of various pieces of fan art depicting all the characters but Two] Two? Two?

[Clock steps outside, where he finds the contestants scattered on the field surrounding the hotel.]

  • Clock: Two?
  • Rocky: [vomits] Bulleh!
  • Clock: Hey, guys, do you know where Two went?
  • Cloudy: No.
  • Yellow Face: Well, Two was talking to us earlier about nothing, and then...
  • Winner: They disappeared!

[He runs back upstairs.]

  • Clock: TWO'S GONE!

[He "knocks" on the door of Pin's hotel room with much urgency.]

  • Pin: I'll get it, I'll get it.

[She opens the door.]

  • Clock: You guys, you've got to help me! Two's gone!
  • Pin: What? That's crazy!
  • Needle: You were only down there for less than a minute.
  • Coiny: Did you search everywhere?
  • Clock: I searched the surroundings thoroughly and systematically. A good number-seeker never skips a spot.
  • Pin: Ooh, a "number-seeker", that's so interesting!
  • Needle: Come on, Pin, we've got to go, now.
  • Coiny: Or we could stay up here and watch TV.
  • Pin: Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.
  • Clock: But our Two is gone!
  • Needle: [reclining on the seat] What's the issue anyway?
  • Clock: We need Two so we can start Cake at Stake!
  • Coiny: Aw, Clock, voting hasn't even started yet, much less Cake at Stake.
  • Clock: But I'm— but—
  • Coiny: Why not just stay here with us? We've got, like, what... two months?
  • Clock: [sighs] Okay.
  • Narrator: Two—

[The invisible narrator is interrupted by the TPOT intro, which still plays despite Two's being absent.]

  • Narrator: —months later.

Two months later[]

The field[]

  • Gaty: Yeah, I know, she was so surprised.
  • Saw: Really?
  • Gaty: Oh, for sure! I mean, it wasn't very big, just a little bug, but—Donut, why are we doing this again?
  • Donut: You said you wanted the world to know that you're not boring.
  • Gaty: I know that, but why are we recreating BFDI 1?
  • Donut: It's classic television!
  • Barf Bag: Exactly! Out of everyone on the team8s, we never had a chance to be in that episode.
  • Saw: Recommended power!
  • Barf Bag: Plus, you two are the closest contestants to season 1 Match and Pencil.
  • Saw: W8, that's not true!
  • Gaty: Yeah, we're not jerks.

[Enter Book, who had been listening to them for a while.]

  • Book: That's right! Match and Pencil are jerks!
  • Saw: Whoa, Book, you've come back!
  • Gaty: Do we need to, like, talk or anything?
  • Book: Oh, no. I've been feeling very great these days. If you ask anyone, they'll tell you the same thing!
  • Saw: Wow, that's so true!
  • Gaty: Yeah, you've been dancing around the field for two months now.
  • Donut: What are you doing here, though? Your team is over there!
  • Book: Team?
  • Gaty: Donut, no one's following the team model any more. With Two gone for two months, things have been the same, as they were, before this season's first challenge.
  • Barf Bag: Yeah, didn't you see all the other people around?

[Brief zoom out, in which the audience can see a number of failed TPOT debuters and recommended characters milling about the field.]

  • Donut: Huh, I never noticed how many extras there are.
  • Camera: You're holding one right now!
  • Donut: Oh! Sorry, Cam.
  • Camera: No worries, dude.
  • Donut: Still, something's a little off, and I can't... can't... [he suddenly gasps]

[Zoom out as everyone gasps at the same time.]

  • Everyone: CAKE AT STAKE!

[Rousing orchestral music begins to play.]

Song: The entire cast

Bell: I want to know who'll be eliminated!
Price Tag: I want to know who'll leave the show!
Cloudy: [in an extremely deep voice] I want to know—
Conch Shell: 'Cause we've been sittin' and we're starin' and we're looking at the walls; Two's absence seems to get more far.

Coiny: [in the hotel room] I want to know who'll get next to last place!
Golf Ball: I want to know who'll be sent home!
Pillow: I want to know, tralalala nananana wickywacky jabberwocky pillow zig-a-zig ah!

[The song immediately ends with the sound of multiple complaints being spoken simultaneously. Among some of the audible conversations:]

  • Bomby: Horrendous!
  • Discy: As a disco lover, I have to condemn this.
  • Eraser: Totally a mockery of the rulers who made that cool.
  • Book: "Zig-a-zig ah"? Pillow, that doesn't rhyme!
  • Tree: To the English it does.
  • Lightning: To heck with the English!
  • Balloony: That's right!
  • Donut: [breaking the conversation] ATTENTION, EVERYONE! I am going to host Cake at Stake, just like I had hosted BFB episodes 6, 7, 8 and some of 9!
  • Nickel: Here we go again...
  • Donut: Gather round the Cake at Stake place, contestants and others! We've got a show to run!

Cake at Stake[]

Cake at Stake place[]

  • Coiny: The light, it's burning!
  • Naily: [wolf-whistles] Whoo-hoo, you've got this, Donut! [to Price Tag] This won't go well.
  • Barf Bag: [standing behind Donut] You sure you don't need help up here?
  • Donut: Nope! I am quite capable of hosting a Cake at Stake, the same way that I had hosted BFB episodes 6, 7, 8 AND SOME OF 9!

[Everyone shuts up at the sudden change in volume.]

  • Donut: The S!. You lost last episode. Also, you don't have to sit on the bleachers. Come on down, I won't bite.
  • Yellow Face: Mm, but I will!

[Team S! timidly walk to the middle of the Cake at Stake arena.]

  • Donut: That's better.
  • Balloony: Hey, Donut, should I be up here too?
  • Donut: Well, you're not on the team. And you're not a contestant here, either, so join the others. Thank you!
  • Cloudy: [as Balloony walks away] If I stay, I'll be stuck with you for two more months!
  • Balloony: Love you too, buddy!

[Golf Ball snorts.]

  • Golf Ball: We don't express our fondness for each other the way they do, eh, TB? [elbows Tennis Ball with her leg]
  • Tennis Ball: Shh, Cake at Stake's on.
  • Donut: Alright, Team S! We got over 69,000 votes this episode, a record high! As a reminder, the one of you who got the fewest votes will leave the show and can do whatever they want. Clock.
  • Clock: Yes, sir?
  • Donut: Don't call me that. Also, you got the most votes, so you're safe!
  • Clock: That's good to know!

[Coiny, Pin and Needle cheer him on rather raucously (everyone sitting next to them suddenly turns in their direction), and Winner gives him a thumbs-up. The number of votes that he got, something in the thousands, suddenly appears above him.]

  • Donut: Winner, Cloudy and Bottle, you are also safe!

[Numbers appear above them too.]

  • Donut: You know, if Bottle were alive right now, she'd be the first to realize that those numbers above your heads are actually edible!
  • Snowball: [from the audience] Eat-able numbers? Lucky!

[Cloudy and Winner grab their numbers. Cloudy takes a bite of his "3".]

  • Cloudy: Tastes like nougat.
  • Clock: [misunderstanding] "New kid?" You put people in this, Donut?
  • Donut: No, it was just something Two left lying around a few months ago. Now there are three of you left: Ice Cube, Yellow Face and Rocky. And one of you will be going home. Who will it be?
  • Yellow Face: I hope everyone's safe!
  • Donut: If "everyone" is another name for "Yellow Face", then his hopes are fulfilled. Yellow Face, you're safe.

[Yellow Face jumps up at the same time that the numbers appear above him.]

  • Yellow Face: Yump!
  • Donut: Now, out of Ice Cube and Rocky... I'm going to need a drum roll for this. SD?
  • Snare Drum: No problem!

[Snare Drum plays himself as Donut finds the right cue card.]

  • Donut: [Aside.] Where is it... where is it? A-ha! Here it is. [Aloud.] Icy is eliminated.

[Numbers appear above Rocky's head, thus declaring him "safe".]

  • Ice Cube: Wha?
  • Donut: I'm sorry. You may have the same name as the team I was on in BFB, which I hosted for episodes 6, 7, 8 and some of 9, but people don't really find you that interesting.
  • Ice Cube: Aw!
  • Donut: Now you must go and sit around with the others.
  • Boom Mic: Omg, Ice Cube is eliminated which means she can be with me, which is wonderful because although I idolize Bracelety, Bracelety idolizes Ice Cube, and my idol will be so happy if her idol gets to associate with to the girl who idolizes her! [breathes heavily] Go, Bracelety, you're my hero!
  • Rocky: [vomiting in Boom Mic's direction] Bulleh!
  • Pie: Join the club, Icy.
  • Donut: [to everyone] And with that, my first Cake at Stake during TPOT is done. I haven't done an elimination like this since BFB, a show that I hosted for episodes 6, 7, 8 and some of 9.

After Cake at Stake[]

Cake at Stake place[]

  • Basketball: Hey, Donut!
  • Donut: What's up?
  • Basketball: As the accredited accountant of this anarchic alternate actuality, I have to ask you: Where did you get the votes and how did you know that Ice Cube would be out?
  • Grassy: Grassy demands sources!
  • Donut: Oh! Well... you see, I've got the factor of Two within me!

[Tennis Ball is about to raise his eyebrows as he and Golf Ball had done in BFB.]

  • Basketball: Don't even start.
  • Tennis Ball: I'm sorry.
  • Donut: That means only I am privy to this kind of voting information.
  • Income Tax Return Document: So you didn't make up the numbers?
  • Donut: Why would I?
  • Income Tax Return Document: Sixty nine thousand votes sounds... kind of sus.
  • Basketball: OMP, did you just say "sus"?

[Beat.]

  • Income Tax Return Document: The moment's passed, hasn't it?
  • PDA: Yes. Yes, it has.

[Enter Eraser, who impolitely pushes everyone out of his way.]

  • Eraser: So...
  • Robot Flower: Hog!
  • Eraser: What's...
  • Tennis Ball: Ow.
  • Eraser: The next...
  • Bell: Rude!
  • Eraser: Contest?

[Silence. Suddenly, everyone gasps.]

  • Donut: Eraser... you just killed Nonexisty!
  • Eraser: Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

[Eraser scrapes "Nonexisty" off his feet and into the grass.]

  • Golf Ball: You fiend, what do you think you're doing?
  • Eraser: He's alive, can't you see?
  • Golf Ball: There is a 49.9% chance that you are lying. But because it is you, there is a 99.9% chance that you're lying. Tennis Ball, fetch my resuscitation equipment from my factory, stat!
  • Tennis Ball: Okay.

[Exit Tennis Ball.]

  • Golf Ball: Come on, Mommy Balls has got you.
  • Eraser: "Mommy Balls"?
  • Golf Ball: It's a sobriquet. Like how people sometimes call you "Needy".

[Enter Needle suddenly. She slaps Golf Ball.]

  • Needle: Don't call me Needy!
  • Golf Ball: Oh, I guess I was wrong. There's a first time for everything.
  • Eraser: GB, you've been wrong more than once.
  • Golf Ball: Shush!

Another part of the field[]

  • Price Tag: What in the wide world of retail is going on there?
  • Cake: It's probably a cult. And I'm not one for cults.
  • Price Tag: [suddenly noticing Cake's back] Hey, have you always had that cube-shaped imprint?
  • Cake: Oh, no, I only got it after my old team become obsessed, I mean infatuated, I mean smitten with this guy named Loser.
  • Price Tag: Oh.

[They all hear Donut's voice from far away—being the acting host, he is about to shout something.]

  • Donut: Attention, everyone! From a consensus of one, we have chosen the next contest!
  • Naily: How is that a consensus?
  • Donut: Your challenge, should you choose to accept it (and you must), is to build a Nonexisty Cage so that he can live without the risk of being trampled by the careless.
  • Eraser: It was an accident, bro!
  • Donut: The team that comes up with the worst Nonexisty Cage will be up for elimination! Go!

The contest[]

With Just Not[]

  • Bomby: Nickel, you're back!
  • Nickel: Yeah, it was nice to see Balloony after all those months. He's one of the good guys here.
  • Shampoo: [lustily] Oh, Nick, you're so cute, I could just eat you up!
  • Nickel: Try me, I've been eaten twice.

[Beat.]

  • Leek: Okay, is anyone else confused about this challenge?
  • Naily: Not really.
  • Book: It seemed a little self-explanatory.
  • Leek: I know that, but... Nonexisty, what's the deal with him?
  • Price Tag: Yeah, why's everyone so shifteh about him?
  • Pillow: Come on, don't tell me you don't know about him! According to my...

[She reads the room. Everyone looks at her, expecting her to say the word "research".]

  • Pillow: ... pee-search, Nonexisty is one of the thirty recommended characters that could have joined the game in the episodes "The Reveal" and "Reveal Novum".

[Book begins to mouth some of Pillow's words subconsciously.]

  • Pillow: However, he only placed eighth or ninth with eleven votes, tying with Robot Flower, which wasn't enough to join. He was also up for voting to join the second season—
  • Book: Wait, excuse me, wait a minute. Are you... reading from me?
  • Pillow: [creepily] I can see through your binding.

With Death P.A.C.T. Again[]

  • Lightning: So to clarify, Donut said we have to make a cage for Nonexisty?
  • Salt Lamp: Yep, and the worst-performing team will be up for voting.
  • Conch Shell: Why do they call it "performing" anyway?
  • Lightning: I know, right? It's not like any of us can sing.
  • Marker: I can sing!
  • VHSy: I would pay good money for a Marker cassette.
  • Tree: [snapping his fingers] Focus, people.
  • Fanny: I hate Nonexisty!
  • Remote: Well, we still have to participate.
  • Tree: But what can we do? Black Hole, what's the best idea for a Nonexisty Cage you've got?
  • Black Hole: An airtight, closed space into which no light can penetrate—
  • Tree: Perfect, mate. Let's do it.
  • Black Hole: You didn't let me finish. Such a place would be the worst idea. Don't you know, that someone can be killed in a place like that? Most people, who are locked in a dark room, without light or air supply, simply don't turn out okay.
  • Battery: [muffled, from inside Remote] I've been trapped in a dark room without light and air supply and I turned out okay!
  • Black Hole: Remote, are you sounding all right?
  • Remote: ["sweating"] Of course. As a side effect of my self-recovery, I sometimes speak in a non-synthesized accent.
  • Black Hole: Oh, good. I thought you still had that Battery inside you.
  • Remote: What, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, no. I'm okay.

With Are You Okay[]

  • Golf Ball: Are You Okay!
  • Rest of the team: Yeah.
  • Pen: [at the same time] I'm painfully in love.
  • Rubber Spatula: No way! Your team name is "Are You Okay", which can be interpreted differently depending on the situation! Ha ha ha ha! I just noticed that!
  • Fries: [to Puffball] Well, this guy's a card.
  • Golf Ball: Shut! Listen to Tennis Ball! [to Tennis Ball, encouraging] The stage is all yours.
  • Tennis Ball: I have devised the perfect container for our non-existent little friend.
  • Puffball: You mean to say that only you created that thing?
  • Tennis Ball: Yeah, and I'm really proud of the final result!
  • PDA: Wait, I thought you and Golf Ball were a team, as in, you both do stuff together.
  • Tennis Ball: Most of the time, GB comes up with the clever ideas and I, who don't like to toot my own horn, but... toot! I use the tools.
  • Puffball: But wasn't it different earlier?
  • TV: Yes, with things such as the Mutual Mind Reader.
  • PDA: And isn't that a little patriarchal? Like, a woman has to sit alone and think while a man must get his hands dirty.
  • Tennis Ball: PDA, Dora's a man. I'm a ball... and I don't have hands.
  • Income Tax Return Document: Well, what's with the weird distribution of tasks anyway?
  • Golf Ball: [much annoyed] That, that is the nature of our special relationship and you are not to question it ever again!
  • Eraser: We ain't begging the question!
  • Anchor: Yeah, we're just not!
  • Rubber Spatula: No way! There's a team whose name was formed in the same exact fash—
  • Golf Ball: Everyone, please be quiet! We are going to use the cage Tennis Ball built to keep Nonexisty in!

[Everyone half-heartedly agrees.]

  • Golf Ball: Alright! Walk with me to the centre of the field, where we will turn in our final team creations!

With the team8s[]

  • Gaty: [to the team's newcomers] Hey. You three know my name, right?
  • Clapboard: Of course. You are Fence!
  • Snare Drum: [to Clapboard] This individual is clearly called "Hingy".
  • Scissors: Well, you seem like an artistic type, so your name must be something long, like "Portal to the Suburban Underworld".
  • Gaty: [Aside.] Ugh, this is pointless!
  • Saw: But G8y, not everyone needs to know who you are!
  • Gaty: They do too. For starters, I was compared to Match and/or Pencil. It's an honour, even though they're mean.

[Enter Book, who has been listening in again.]

  • Book: Match and Pencil are mean!
  • Gaty: Whoa... hey, Book.
  • Donut: Aren't you supposed to be with your team? And for real, this time. Because the teams... are back.
  • Book: No, I'm not spying on the other teams for the challenge, heh!
  • Barf Bag: Oh, sap, the challenge! We've completely forgotten about it!
  • Donut: It's acceptable on these contestants' end, but not on mine! Book, if you'll excuse us, we've got a cage to build.
  • Saw: It was gr8 talking to you!
  • Book: Yeah...

[Exit Book, a bit dejected.]

  • Camera: Look over there!

[Camera sees what is going on behind him without turning around: the members of Are You Okay are walking to the centre of the field.]

  • Camera: Donut, it looks like we've got a job to do.
  • Donut: One step ahead of you.

[Donut and Camera begin their long walk to the judging station.]

  • Saw: But what about our team, and our cre8ion?
  • Coiny: Don't worry! Who has two thumbs and is on the case? [does the thumb thing] This guy.
  • Pin: And me!
  • Needle: And me!
  • Gaty: [sigh] Of course you are.

Middle of the field[]

  • Donut: [out-of-breath] Okay, I'm here!
  • Camera: We're here.
  • Golf Ball: Here is our Nonexisty Cage.
  • Donut: I'll take that, thank you.

[Donut takes a picture of the container with Camera. The team stand around, doing nothing.]

  • Donut: You may go, by the way.
  • Golf Ball: Team, let's march back to where we were before!

With The S![]

  • Clock: Are you sure we should be doing this?
  • Cloudy: [as a drawn visualization appears above him] It's simple. Balloony uses the teleporter we stole from Golf Ball to go to the world's biggest Lawl-Mart, he collects a custom Nonexisty cage, comes back with it, and we give it to Donut and win the contest.

[Everyone looks at him.]

  • Cloudy: Or just do well. Winning isn't guaranteed.
  • Winner: I'm Winner.

[Meanwhile.]

  • Tape: Whoa, Yellow Face, you look upset.
  • Yellow Face: [crying] Why isn't he going to my warehouse? It's so much better than some cheap megamart chain!
  • Blender: [rolling her eyes] In deze wereld kiezen mensen altijd voor de meer commerciële optie. [Subtitles: "In this world, people will always go for the more commercial option."]
  • Clock: Well, maybe we should build a cage ourselves in case Balloony doesn't come back.
  • Cloudy: Come on, Clock, have some faith. I know he will return. He always does.
  • Winner: He came to us!
  • Ice Cube: Yeah!
  • Boom Mic: Oh my gosh, Ice Cube just said "Yeah!" I have to tell Bracelety, my IDOL!
  • Blender: Wat 'n mafkees. [Subtitles: "Weirdo."]

On the way from the centre of the field[]

  • Golf Ball: [marching with her team] Pay no attention to the team passing us by!
  • Tennis Ball: Oh, hi, Remote!
  • Remote: Hello, TB.
  • Battery: I'm still in here!
  • Eraser: Pen, look away. [physically turns him around]
  • Pen: [notices anyway] But... Tree... he looks so dapper! He could have had me if he wanted, but—
  • Eraser: Dude, Tree's old news by now.
  • Pen: No, he's not!

[Pen breaks free from Eraser's grasp and walks by himself.]

  • Anchor: Ey, 's he talking about the guy with the snazzy new getup?
  • Eraser: They're all in that new getup. Probably something related to their death obsession.
  • Anchor: So you're a paisan too, eh?
  • Eraser: Yes and no.
  • Anchor: There any more of us?
  • Eraser: Well, there's Pen, my little frati.[3] He was on that team, the one with the glasses, and he's kind of going through something right now.
  • Anchor: I think you'd better make him chat.
  • Eraser: Yeah...
  • Anchor: Hey, tell me 'bout that "yes and no" thing.
  • Eraser: It's a long story...

Middle of the field[]

  • Donut: Uh, thanks for the Nonexisty Cage. Looks pretty bland.
  • Tree: This isn't it. It's only the container for our real Nonexisty Cage.
  • Donut: But what's with the sunglasses?
  • Pie: Our cage is so bright, you shouldn't stare at it directly.
  • Black Hole: It's like the Sun. With an apparent magnitude of –27, it may cause temporary blindness.
  • Donut: Oh, that's not good to hear.

[He is about to open the box's box.]

  • Fanny: Don't open it! It hurt the eyes of everyone on this team, except Black Hole and Lightning!
  • Donut: Lightning unharmed, huh? Then why is he wearing glasses?
  • Lightning: I thought they made me look cool.
  • Conch Shell: But instead he looks like a fool.
  • Lightning: Sigh.
  • Donut: Well, you're free to go back now.
  • Remote: Yay.

[As soon as Death P.A.C.T. Again go back, the team8s go up.]

  • Gaty: Alright, Donut, here's another bad creation.
  • Camera: I love that group!
  • Donut: Wait, you're finished already?
  • Pin: It was all thanks to Needle, Coiny and me.
  • Coiny: The three of us can really strut our style.
  • Donut: Well, your team is now made up of [counts in his head] eleven people. Did anyone else have a part in making this cage?
  • Gaty: Haha, NO.
  • Scissors: I said "Do it" repeatedly!
  • Donut: And then you made this?
  • Coiny: Nah, Pin and I kissed.
  • Needle: And I watched!
  • Clapboard: They're such a happy trio.
  • Snare Drum: I love them!
  • Gaty: Uggggh, it's always like this with these three! They think the entire team revolves around them, wait, no, especially Coiny! He likes to think he's all that, honey here, honey there, that's all I hear about him, and it's exasperating!
  • Coiny: [at the same time, starting from when Gaty said "entire team"] Hey, how dare you insult us and our creative abilities! You were never on W.O.A.H. Bunch, so you don't deserve to have any say in what we three do, okay? I bet Donut's going to b- ban-anish you any—
  • Pin: [at the same time] Gaty, you need to be more grateful. We saved you from working on a container for Nonexisty, so you could have relaxed and it would have been fine with—
  • Needle: [at the same time] Maybe we were right when we gossiped about you in the hotel. You are so boring that it's not even funny!
  • Snowball: [at the same time, having spontaneously appeared] World star! World star! World star!

[While this argument is going on, Donut whispers something to Saw. The audience can hear what he is saying.]

  • Donut: [to Saw] What's the past tense of "eat" again?
  • Saw: 8!!!!!!!!

[Everyone shuts up and Snowball vanishes.]

  • Donut: Team8s, go back to your station. I'll meet you there shortly, but until then, please, no more arguments, okay?
  • Coiny, Pin, Needle and Gaty: [sigh] Understood.

[The team walk back to where they were before.]

  • Camera: Our team can be a little annoying.
  • Donut: Agreed.

With Just Not[]

  • Price Tag: Many people walk around fully accepting that this "Nonexisty" thing is real, and I respectfully disagree!
  • Leek: I have to agree with my fellow debuter on this point. Rationality has been thrown out the window for this belief in a so-called "Nonexisty".
  • Naily: If that's your idea, you're wrong.
  • Pillow: Wait, let's not get ahead of ourselves here.
  • Naily: Sorry. What I'm trying to say is, Nonexisty is real. Fact.
  • Cake: I object!
  • Naily: Cake, you're on my side!
  • Cake: Can I switch?
  • Avocado: Ooh, can I switch too?
  • Pillow: Sure, but that's not how debates go.
  • Price Tag: You have to follow the rules, you know. Moderator Nickel, what do you think?

[Nickel is gone. The team gasps.]

  • Just Not: He's gone!

[Shampoo burps.]

  • Book: Oh no, Shampoo, please don't say you actually ate him!
  • Shampoo: I... didn't actually eat him?

[Beat.]

  • Shampoo: [quickly spoken] Okay, I only said that because you told me to! And I only ate Nickel because he looked like such a snack!
  • Naily: Well, here's a how-de-do.
  • Pillow: [waving her arms] And Nickel is dead!
  • Shampoo: He left a note, though.
  • Leek: Don't tell me it's a death note!

[Shampoo picks up the paper and reads from it.]

  • Shampoo: "Hello, Nickel here. I'm moderating this debate because I personally don't consider this issue worth arguing. Does it really matter if Nonexisty exists or not? Where I come from, some people believe that he's real and others don't, but we still have the decency to respect each other regardless of what we as individuals believe. And so I ask all of you to do the same here, and maybe even get back to the challenge so that one of us doesn't get eliminated. Thank you."
  • Cake: [crying] That was beautiful!
  • Pillow: I never knew the little guy was so e-lo-quent!
  • Shampoo: Does anyone have a Recovery Center? I want him back!

[Enter Foldy.]

  • Foldy: Hi, everyone!
  • Shampoo: Shampoo-lutations, Foldy!
  • Foldy: Huh, who said that?
  • Pillow: Exhibit A.
  • Foldy: Basketball just wanted me to tell you that you've got five minutes left.
  • Cake: Five minutes? We haven't even started yet!
  • Foldy: She also said that if you haven't even started yet, I should tell you that she said "Ha ha".
  • Naily: Grr!
  • Foldy: Wait, were you guys having a religious debate? Without me?
  • Leek: Well, we were.
  • Price Tag: Kind of. It's about Nonexisty.
  • Avocado: What's your stance?
  • Foldy: One word. Gogma.

[Exit Foldy.]

  • Bomby: We've got to hurry!
  • Book: Five minutes!
  • Donut: [from afar] Boop! Time's up!

End of the contest[]

With The S![]

  • Tape: Oh no, what are we going to do?
  • Blender: We hebben geen kooi voor Niet-Bestaandje! [Subtitles: We don't have a cage for Nonexisty!]
  • Cloudy: Keep your hopes up! Balloony will come back!

Judging time[]

  • Donut: Everyone, gather round at The Strongest Team on Earth's team station! The judging process is starting right now!
  • Shopping Cart: No way, we're meeting here? This is so exciting, we're meeting here!
  • Donut: It's the only place we can meet, SC.
  • Eggy: And it's all thanks to Snowball.
  • Snowball: You're welcome.

The Strongest Team on Earth[]

[Fade to a few seconds later: Everyone is gathered around TSTOE and their Nonexisty Cage.]

  • Donut: Someone from The Strongest Team on Earth, please explain what I'm looking at.
  • Snowball: I'll do it!
  • Basketball: But you promised that I'd do the explaining.
  • Snowball: Whatever.
  • Basketball: Alright. [to the masses] Hey, everyone! Right in front of you all, here is our team's Nonexisty Cage! It's a hollow in the ground where we think our friend Nonexisty can find a home.
  • Price Tag: [to Leek, too quietly to be heard by anyone else] Tsst, "friend"...
  • Leek: Imaginary friends are so ten years ago.
  • Donut: [taking notes on a clipboard] Interesting, interesting. And now, would you please explain your creation process?
  • Basketball: Well...

[Flashback.]

Basketball: So Donut said we have to make the best Nonexisty Cage.
Robot Flower: He said "not the worst".
Discy: That's pretty much the same thing.
Grassy: The same thing!
Eggy: But we can't find the best materials with our team alone. We have to borrow things from—
Basketball: Don't say her name! If not for me, then for...
[She makes gesturing eyebrows towards Snowball, who is holding a jackhammer for no reason.]
Bell: Who, you mean Golf Ball?
Snowball: I hate that stupid ball stupid say stupid me have no brain! M-nyuh!
[He slams the jackhammer onto the ground.]
Kitchen Sink: [confused] M-nyuh? What language is that?
9-Ball: Hey, everyone, look!
[She points at the indentation made by Snowball's jackhammer.]
9-Ball: It's the perfect Nonexisty Cage.
[ Basketball · Eggy ]: Yeeeeeeee!
Grassy: [at the same time] Grassy accepts!

[End flashback.]

  • Basketball: So is it good, Donut?
  • Donut: Fine, sure. But it's not up to me to decide. It's up to Nonexisty, who is standing right here. [points the other way] I mean, here. [to Nonexisty] So, Nonexisty, what do you think? Out of ten?

[Pause.]

  • Donut: That's a promising number.
  • Eggy: Well, what'd he say?
  • 9-Ball: Is it nine?
  • Donut: You'll find out later.
  • Snowball: Tell me now! Or I eat you!

[Just Not audibly cringe.]

  • Price Tag: There's too much cannibalism on this show.

team8s[]

[Fade to the next scene, in which the team8s' Nonexisty Cage is being judged.]

  • Coiny: ... and it's got our team logo on it, which of course was decided on by me, Needle and Pin and perfected by another guy.

[Clock smiles smugly in the background.]

  • Clock: [to Ice Cube] It meets all the rules for good logo design.
  • Needle: You'll love it, Nonexisty.
  • Pin: You may not have been with us in BFDIA, but now you can live out the W.O.A.H. Bunch experience whenever you can!
  • Donut: Nostalgic! W.O.A.H. Bunch—

[Gaty gives Donut a dirty look.]

  • Donut: I mean, team8s... Nonexisty is reviewing your creation now.

[Pause.]

  • Donut: That's a good score! He says it's a little tacky, but a good place to live.

Are You Okay[]

[Fade into the next scene, in which Are You Okay's Nonexisty Cage is being judged.]

  • Tennis Ball: ... and I made it from the sleekest material I could find. It is in the "Tennisballian" school of design that minimalism is uplifted and not scorned—
  • Golf Ball: Like in the Golfballian school, ha, ha! Good presentation, TB!
  • Donut: Nonexisty'll be the judge of that. Looks like he's praising your design choices.

[Pause.]

  • Donut: Also a good score.
  • Tennis Ball: Thanks, Nonexisty!
  • Leek: Seriously? He's the smart one.
  • Price Tag: I know, right?

Death P.A.C.T. Again[]

[Fade to the next scene.]

  • Salt Lamp: ... brighter than me!
  • Black Hole: And it's brighter than the Sun. We're all about preventing death here, Nonexisty, so watch your eyes, before you enter.
  • Donut: If the real cage is inside this fake cage, how's he going to get in?
  • Tree: It's a permeable membrane, so he can just go through it.
  • Marker: What's "permeable" again?
  • Fanny: We've explained it to you over six times!
  • Donut: Nonexisty is evaluating your cage design.

[Pause.]

  • Donut: Well, that's surprising. He's angry.
  • Lightning: Oh dear.
  • Fanny: And what's wrong with anger?

Just Not[]

[Fade to the next scene.]

  • Pillow: Until a few minutes ago, we didn't have anything to show you all. But we do now!
  • Shampoo: [picks up some dirt] Dirt. The new home of Nonexisty (whether he exists or not) shall be dirt.
  • Donut: Is that all?
  • Book: Unfortunately it is. To be honest, we were doing something else, and then we lost a team member. Will you forgive us, Nonexisty?

[Very long pause.]

  • Donut: [disappointed] Oh. [happy again] Onto the next team!
  • Marker: Just Not made just dirt? Just jealous!

[Just Not stay behind to talk with one another.]

  • Cake: Oh my bakery, we're dead meat!
  • Price Tag: I find our lack of faith disturbing. Sorry for dragging you into this debate when we could have done the challenge.
  • Naily: It's okay. I mean, this was a learning experience.
  • Book: Exactly, we learned that people can have different opinions.
  • Avocado: And that's okay.
  • Bomby: Education!

The S![]

  • Donut: Uh, that breaks the rules of the competition a bit.
  • Clock: Gulp.
  • Donut: But I'll give you three seconds to show me your Nonexisty Cage.
  • Boom Mic: Cool, so will these three seconds be at some point in the future?
  • Donut: Three...

[As soon as Donut starts counting down, the camera points towards Golf Ball's teleporter.]

  • Donut: Two... one...

[Enter Balloony, who walks through the teleporter with the Nonexisty Cage he bought. It looks exactly like one of the cages from the Big Rotating Building. Everyone on his team breathes a sigh of relief.]

  • Cloudy: Balloony, you're back!
  • Balloony: I'm sorry, a'body, but I was signing autographs at the supermarket.
  • Donut: Huh?
  • Balloony: Outside here, people tend to recognize a former BFB contestant. Especially if he's carrying merch of the show he was on.
  • Donut: [disgusted] Is that what this is? A store-bought Nonexisty Cage?
  • Yellow Face: You say it like it's a bad thing.
  • Donut: No, no! But as you know, I'm not the judge of this. Nonexisty?

[Long pause. Just Not look nervous, and their mouths open with shock from Donut's reaction.]

  • Donut: I've never seen such a... such a positive reaction! Your team wins!
  • Blender: Hoera! [Subtitles: "Let us rejoice in celebration!"]
  • Winner: I'm Winner!
  • Ice Cube: Yeah!
  • Boom Mic: Icy says [roaring] YEAH!!!!
  • Balloony: I knew he'd like it BFB-themed!
  • Clock: But how many points did he rate our cage for him?
  • Donut: Four!

[He shows everyone what's on his clipboard: Nonexisty's official rankings (out of ten) for his potential cages. We see that he has given TSTOE a 2, AYO a 3, team8s a 1, DPA 2, Just Not 0 and finally The S! 4.]

  • Contestants: Ooh! Aah.
  • Cake: [sad] We're the losers.
  • Naily: [fake-chanting] Losers. Losers. Losers.

Post-contest[]

Voting screen[]

  • Donut: Vote in the comments using the letter in square brackets for who you don't want to be eliminated! Vote for who you want to stay! The person with the fewest votes will leave the show! You can even vote for Nickel, even though he's dead! [Aside.] Nickel's dead, right?
  • Shampoo: Yes, I ate him.
  • Donut: Due to budget cuts, you can only vote to save one of the original contestants on this team, not the newbies.
  • Avocado: Aw!
  • Leek: Wait, that's good! We get to stay for another episode!

[The newbies, i.e. the three previously mentioned, cheer. Donut looks to the side; they're standing right next to him. Roll credits.]

Post-credits scenes[]

Near the hotel[]

  • Eraser: Hey, you.
  • Pen: Hey.
  • Eraser: You can't be sad like this forever.
  • Pen: I know that, just...
  • Eraser: Just what?
  • Pen: It's Pencil—
  • Eraser: Wait a minute. First it was Tree, and now it's Pencil? Pen, make up your mind!
  • Pen: [sigh] How did I get stuck being the hopeless romantic while you're the guy without emotions?
  • Eraser: That isn't true. Most of the time I feel indifferent... right now I'm being forced to feel sympathy for an idiot.

[Pen looks at him.]

  • Eraser: Sorry.
  • Pen: It's just... whenever I look at Coiny and Pin, Saw and Gaty, Naily and David, they all look so happy together. Why can't I be like that?
  • Eraser: But you are happy. Or at least you were before you let love take over your life. You sure were when you left those terrible death cultists and joined our team.
  • Pen: Yeah... I guess I was.
  • Eraser: Look, Pen, you don't need a relationship to enjoy life. Maybe Pencil's on her way here so you can jump into her arms, but until then, you'd better enjoy every last minute of this contest with me, your team and all the people you've made friends with... without any distractions. You know what I say: Ships should not exist.[4]

[Pen smiles.]

  • Pen: Hey, you're right. Wait. Aren't we a ship?
  • Eraser: Huh?
  • Pen: We come from the same source.[5]
  • Eraser: [jokingly hitting his back] You oobatz, that's different! That's always a relationship; Siam on a fa-miggly-ah! [Subtitles: "We're family!"]
  • Pen: Ah, non parlo il tuo inglese!

[The two laugh together. Enter Rubber Spatula.]

  • Rubber Spatula: Hello, guys.
  • Eraser: Sup.
  • Pen: Hi, RS!
  • Rubber Spatula: Not to intrude on your talk or anything, but... I'm also feeling a bit lonely and could really use some company right now.
  • Eraser: [to Pen] Have fun, dude.
  • Pen: [to Rubber Spatula] Got any plans tonight?
  • Rubber Spatula: Not really.
  • Pen: [leaning against the building, as if to flirt] Y'know, I've never been with a blonde before. How about I spend the night in your room—

[Eraser clears his throat.]

  • Pen: And... we can binge-watch Inanimate Insanity together?
  • Rubber Spatula: I'd love to; that would be ripper!

[Eraser gives him the thumbs-up.]

  • Rubber Spatula: I'll ask for some extra tissues. We're going to need them.

[Exit Rubber Spatula.]

  • Pen: And that's all we're going to do.
  • Eraser: Attaboy, Pen!

[As Pen is about to enter the hotel.]

  • Eraser: Wait, before you go...
  • Pen: Yeah?
  • Eraser: Naily... and David?
  • Pen: Why not? [to Eraser, waving] Well, see ya, pal.
  • Eraser: Night.

[Pen goes inside and calls for Rubber Spatula.]

  • Pen: Wait for me, buddy!

[Fade to black.]

EXIT[]

  • Firey Jr.: I'm bored.
  • Stapy: Me too.
  • Firey Jr.: I'm bored.
  • Stapy: Me too.
  • Match: Yeah, we, like, got that already.

[Pause.]

  • Firey Jr.: I'm bored.
  • Stapy: Me too.
  • Pencil: JEEZ LOUISE, OKAY, STAPY AND FIREY JR.!
  • Firey Jr.: Well, when you want people to know something, you repeat it.
  • 8-Ball: So true. Remember when Four kept saying "square bracket, square bracket, square bracket, square bracket"—
  • Pencil: We get it, again.
  • 8-Ball: I was only going to say it eight times.
  • Bracelety: I'm not bored! I've been drawing ICY! YAAAAY!!!
  • Pencil: So this is what post-Liy life has come to.
  • Stapy: I'm sorry, but I can't dance for you all the time. Liy was the life and soul of the EXIT.
  • Pencil: You can say that again. Why, she wrote all our songs and arranged all our dances!

[Match begins to mouth some of Pencil's words subconsciously.]

  • Pencil: We sing her songs and we trip her measures...
  • [ Match · Pencil ]: ... but we don't enjoy ourselves!
  • Match: Omg, was that Iolanthe?
  • Pencil: Yeah.
  • Match: Those are my lines!
  • Pencil: I know, you were Leila! [to the other EXITers] I played Celia, and the Earl of Tolloller—that's who I ended up with... he was played by Pen. He looked so dapper in his cute little London aristocrat's outfit, which always looked so tight on him—omg, it's getting hot in here.

[Match facepalms.]

  • Match: Like, get over it already. The temperature is, like, fine. And those clothes fit Eraser too, and he's, like, thick.
  • Pencil: Oh, I have, and I know that, and I meant "tight" as in good, you dirty-minded strikeress.
  • Match: Sorry.
  • Pencil: But if he comes through that door to jump into my arms anytime soon, I'll reserve that room just for me and my blue-capped devil.

[She points to the room that Liy was next to in BFB 10.]

  • Match: As if, like, anyone will vote him off.
  • 8-Ball: Yeah, viewers like that he's dumb.
  • Pencil: You're dumb!
  • Match: [Aside.] And this is why ships shouldn't exist. It should be strictly physical.
  • Firey Jr.: Gross.

[A knock on the back door.]

  • Match: Hey, who could that, like, be, like?
  • Bracelety: I got it!

[Bracelety opens the door, which has not been locked since TPOT 2. A loud screeching sound can be heard. Not the shrill screeching that is so typical of algebraliens such as Four, but the normal screeching sound made by doors. The screen turns white and the words "To be continued" appear on the screen.]

THE END

Deleted scenes[]

  • The debate between the Just Not members would have been longer. It would have included Price Tag "proving" Nonexisty's non-existence by bringing up a commenter who voted for "[4]" in BFB 16 instead of a letter. It was scrapped for time.
    • It would also have been much more angrier in spirit, and it was going to end with the two sides finally coming together to unite against Shampoo for voring Nickel. This was scrapped and the big fight scene involved the team8s rather than Just Not.
  • There was going to be a scene with Balloony shopping for his team's Nonexisty Cage. In the dairy aisle he would have found the cage (that looked exactly like the one from BRB), and bad memories of being spun around in there would have popped into his head. This was also scrapped for time.

Notes[]

  1. Only '90s kids will get that reference... maybe.
  2. I suppose I can put a little footnote here; it's what Gilbert would have done (and he did, for example, with the names of the minor characters in The Yeomen of the Guard), so I don't see why I shouldn't do it... at least sparingly. Anyway, the new "TPOT 4 teams" are as follows:
    • The Strongest Team on Earth: Basketball, Bell, Eggy, Foldy, Grassy, Robot Flower, Snowball; also 9-Ball, Discy, Kitchen Sink and Shopping Cart
    • Death P.A.C.T. Again: Black Hole, Fanny, Lightning, Marker, Remote (including Battery), Tree; also Conch Shell, Pie, Salt Lamp and VHSy
    • Are You Okay: Eraser, Fries, Golf Ball, Pen, Puffball, Tennis Ball, TV; also Anchor, ITRD, PDA and Rubber Spatula
    • team8s: Barf Bag, Coiny, Donut, Gaty, Needle, Pin, Saw; also Camera, Clapboard, Scissors and Snare Drum
    • The S!: Clock, Cloudy, Rocky, Winner, Yellow Face; also Balloony, Blender, Boom Mic, Ice Cube, Onigiri and Tape
    • Just Not: Bomby, Book, Cake, Naily, Nickel, Pillow, Price Tag; also Avocado, Leek and Shampoo
  3. I didn't say "brother" because it's not very BFDI-y to mention familial relationships... in English, at least. Omg, can you imagine Eraser saying the word "fratty"?
  4. If Among Us Was a BFDI Challenge: 4:36.
  5. Again with the lack of family terms: He's referring to his and Eraser's parents. Also, a double reference or entendre or whatever it is—Pen thinks all relationships, including non-romantic ones, are ships.

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