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"Start Spreading the News" is the non-canon third episode of TPOT by Jacknjellify. It was released on 30 September 1973. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 3 (or even TPOT 2) comes out. In contrast to the previous episode, "Start Spreading the News" is a bit more serious in tone and much longer.

Previous episode: "Horseback Lightswitch"
Next episode: "All Boxed In"

Cold open[]

A field[]

  • Yellow Face: I'm sad.
  • Winner: Hi sad, I'm Winner!
  • Yellow Face: I used to be sad, but now that you've made that joke, I'm suddenly happy again!
  • Tree: You're always happy.
  • Fanny: Irritatingly so!
  • Winner: Anyway, Yellow Face, what's on your mind?
  • Yellow Face: It's been so long and we still don't have Bottle back from the dead!
  • Ice Cube: Uh—
  • Fanny: You think that's bad? Listen to this! One minute Remote was conversing with Robot Flower; the next minute she died faster than I can say "I hate you!"
  • Tree: [sighs] It's a tragedy told and true when someone forgets a crucial plot point.
  • Cloudy: What do you mean?
  • Lightning: [monotonously, to the camera] Many moons ago, the author of this piece had forgotten that Remote was one of the dead contestants after episode 1. He had written her in as alive when in fact she was not.

[Everyone looks at Lightning suspiciously.]

  • Lightning: [shakes his head, as though he was in a trance] Wait... what did I just say?
  • Tree: Anyway, this is just my opinion, but if Two really can't recover contestants, then I prefer things to stay status quo. No more dead contestants, and absolutely no more new contestants.
  • Rocky: Mm-hmm!
  • Winner: Agreed.

[The sound of bagpipes is suddenly heard. Everyone in the group turns around. Who do they find there but Balloony, playing the pipes and wearing a kilt.]

  • Balloony: Alright, is this where the contest is?

[Everyone gasps.]

After the theme song should have played[]

  • Cloudy: Balloony, my best friend! Armless hug!
  • Balloony: Armless hug, pal.
  • Yellow Face: Nice dress!
  • Balloony: It's a kilt! Flower made it for me right after she...

[Everyone looks at Balloony, confused.]

  • Balloony: Wait a minute. Are any of you aware that BFB has ended?
  • Tree: Not really.
  • Fanny: Who cares? BFB is nothing but terrible memories, and I hate TPOT even less!
  • Balloony: [as he literally floats out of the clothing] I guess I shouldn't talk about it then.
  • Cloudy: You can tell Rocky, remember? Unlike you, he's great at keeping secrets.
  • Balloony: Aw, that's right! [to Rocky] Come here, little one.

[Slowly, he gets closer to Rocky.]

  • Rocky: Bulleh! [vomits on Balloony's face]

Cake at Stake[]

Cake at Stake place[]

  • Two: Hey everyone! Listen up and listen now! I have some important news toOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[The intro plays, interrupting Two.]

  • Two: —announce, and that includes the Cake at Stake of the day!

[Everyone goes over to the elimination area, where they are forced to watch the world's most ludicrous Cake at Stake yet. Balloony is unseen by Two, as he has been intentionally placed behind Cloudy and Rocky, who is sat right on top of him.]

  • Balloony: This is cool!
  • Eraser: [to Two] Which is?
  • Two: No, the news doesn't involve witches. I'm not into that paranormal stuff.
  • Naily: Hex you!
  • Two: Going to ignore that. Now, shall I start with the Cake at Stake or the announcement?

[A few seconds of silence.]

  • Nickel: [bored] Cake at Stake.
  • Price Tag: It's a pretty ceremonious thing to ignore.
  • Two: Does anyone object to this? If so, please say "bleeble blarble skreegle sporka horka glooba goppa heepa gappa kappa longa wicka wacka neeny noony noo".

[More silence.]

  • Two: Aren't we chatty today? But I'm glad you're all so silent, though, because that's the name of the team that lost last episode: the—

[As if by command, Two falls silent.]

  • Puffball: The what?
  • Two: You know, the— [silent] The team that lost last episode?

[Everyone pretends to agree, just like they do when acknowledging Nonexisty's presence.]

  • Two: We got a record high number of votes this episode, 59,696!
  • Tennis Ball: [gasps] 59,696 is 56,933 plus 2,763! Wait, isn't that just one vote higher than last time?
  • Two: Hush now, I'm talking.
  • Golf Ball: TB, don't speak out of line like that!
  • Tennis Ball: Sorry.
  • Two: To my surprise—and probably to yours—four members of the [silent] did not receive any votes at all. [silent], [silent], [silent] and [silent], you're safe.

[Two throws some invisible cake at them.]

  • Two: There are three of you left. [silent] only received one vote, so [silent] is safe.

[Two throws invisible cake in their direction.]

  • Two: [silent], you've got two votes. My favourite number! You're safe as well.

[Two throws invisible cake that way.]

  • Two: I'm sorry— [silent] But you're eliminated, with 59,693 votes. Please enter my hotel with the others and don't come out.

[The sound of actual footsteps can be heard, as can the scary music, which gradually increases in volume. The hotel doors open and close by themselves, and a very horrific scream is heard in the distance shortly afterwards. The remaining contestants are visibly shaken by this.]

  • Basketball: Uh... what just happened?
  • Pen: Tree, I'm scared! [leans to hold on to him]
  • Tree: [turns away] You're on your own, mate.
  • Two: Were you all unconscious for the past few seconds? [silent] got eliminated! Now, do any of you want to hear my other announcement?
  • Snowball: No! We don't want, to hear no stinkin' announcement!
  • Two: Okay! I've just got the information that BFB, our rival show, is over.

[Everyone chatters amongst each other with the knowledge that BFB has finished.]

  • Balloony: BFB ended months ago and they're just finding that out now?
  • Donut: So, Two, who won the show I hosted for episodes 6, 7, 8 and some of 9?
  • Two: I don't know. I refuse to watch anything that was created by Four.
  • Fanny: I agree! I hate BFB!
  • Two: But I do plan to watch it one day. Like, when I'm alone. But contestants! You do know what this means, right?
  • Golf Ball: Yes, I know! Based on empirical evidence and my own past experience in a finished season of Battle for Dream Island, the chance of someone stealing the prize and everything ending in a big mess is 100.00%!
  • Two: Wrong!
  • Golf Ball: Gasp!
  • Two: It means that the former contestants of BFB have been freed and can go wherever they want now! It's even possible that some of them are on the premises of our show right now!
  • Winner: [fake surprise] Oh no, that's horrible! [glances over at Balloony]
  • Two: And so, that is today's contest.
  • Barf Bag: To be on the premises of our show?
  • Two: The contest is to avoid any BFB spoilers! If any of you happen to learn important plot points about the finale, your team is immediately up for elimination. Go!

[No one moves.]

  • Two: I said "Go!"

[Everyone gets up from their seats and walks away confused. One can see Balloony "sandwiched" to avoid being seen by Two, with Cloudy and Rocky in front of him and Yellow Face and Winner (holding their hand up) behind him.]

The contest[]

With the former Losers[]

  • Pin: Hey, timekeeper!
  • Clock: Don't you ticking dare— [notices] Oh, it's you.
  • Pin: It's me! Pin, the heroic leader with her radiant redness and pin-ness!

[Clock grumbles something.]

  • Pin: You seem pretty lonely. How would you like to do something fun? [rainbows emit from her as she says this]
  • Clock: Thanks, but no thanks. I've got a job to do, and that job is to protect myself from BFB spoilers.
  • Pin: Then you'll like this. I've secretly booked a room in Two's hotel under a fake name, an alias, if you will.
  • Clock: "Alias" and "fake name" are the same thing.
  • Pin: That's right! You'd have to be pretty nerdy to know that... but nerds rock! [She hugs him.] Anyway, I was thinking, maybe we should stay in my hotel room together! If anyone talks about BFB out here, everyone will be up for elimination except us! How does that sound?
  • Clock: I can see past your little ruse. Don't forget, I'm not on your team of losers any more. [Pause.] But if it means being surrounded by indoor plumbing, complementary sheet cleans and youuuu...

[Pin looks shocked.]

  • Clock: —niversal amenities, then I'm all in. [confidently] Pin, take me to your room!
  • Coiny: [excited] Did I just hear that Pin has a hotel room?
  • Pin: Yeah! Come along, Coiny! Needle, you too. Let's all go together!
  • Needle: Aw, seriously? Thanks, best friend!
  • Clock: Oh, these, these two are coming?
  • Coiny: [very aggressive] WHAT, YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH TH—

[Pin clears her throat. Coiny lowers his hands.]

  • Coiny: Oh. [breathes out] Look, Clock. We're... we're sorry. From three former Losers to another. We shouldn't have forgotten that you were dead for over a year. That was pretty stupid of us, and we kind of assumed Four would recover you anyway. Considering how flighty and unpredictable he'd been lately, we should have known that he wouldn't do that until he was asked all those years later. But for now, all that matters is that we are here, making amends together. And now our teams are going to win this contest!
  • [ Needle · Pin ]: Hallelujah!
  • Clock: Wow, you really mean that?
  • Coiny: Honest. And I'm sorry about pretty much attacking you in front of everybody last episode.
  • Clock: It's okay, they all know I would win in a fight against you.
  • Coiny: Ha, you're a good one!
  • Clock: Now, to prove that none of you are talking out of your battery compartments, I'd like to lead us to the hotel by marching in a martial fashion.

[Coiny, Pin and Needle look at each other.]

  • Coiny: Uh, okay.
  • Pin: Sure.
  • Needle: Fine by me!
  • Clock: Let's go! Hup! Two, three four, hup! Two three four...

[As soon as Clock is out of whispering earshot...]

  • Coiny: [jokingly] You had to go with the "charisma" option there, didn't you?
  • Pin: Hey, but it worked. Don't worry, I won't go anywhere without you two around. You all need me.
  • Needle: Don't call me Needy!

[The rest of the team8s observe this exchange.]

  • Barf Bag: Blah blah blah. Sometimes I can't with those three, know what I mean?
  • Gaty: Yeah, and I strongly dislike male-centric harems.
  • Saw: The plural is hurum, G8y!
  • Donut: I did not know that.
  • Gaty: You learn something new every day.

With Just Not[]

  • Price Tag: So you know how each team has a vulnerability?
  • Cake: What do you mean?
  • Price Tag: I've been analysing each team and what breaks them: Are You Okay's weakness is bad leadership, The Strongest Team's weakness is, quite obviously, weakness. Ours is boredom.
  • Pillow: Oh, you're such a smart cookie, Price Tag!
  • Price Tag: Thankies! But I still stand by the fact that we have to continue to do interesting things here. When I joined this show, I expected things to be... how to say it, not uninteresting.
  • Book: But this team is fun! Isn't it, Bomby?
  • Bomby: Uh, kind of?
  • Book: You're right, we are a boring bunch.
  • Nickel: Then how do we spice things up?
  • Price Tag: Drama. Nothing says "trashy reality show" like contrived drama.
  • Nickel: But we're not trashy! I'm worth five times more than Coiny is.
  • Cake: Yeah, and my favourite operas are in English.
  • Pillow: And I only eat Grade-A coffee tables dipped in the milk of a flower and a light vinaigrette sauce.

[Beat.]

  • Price Tag: So does this mean you don't want to hear my plan?
  • Cake: No, we do!
  • Nickel: Proceed, frubiendubo.
  • Naily: Yeah, you're going to nail this pitch!

With TSTOE[]

  • Robot Flower: So Remote was like "horgly worgly" and then I was like "television controllers suck" and then she was like DEAD!
  • Grassy: Ha, ha, dead!
  • Basketball: Sounds like you had an interesting weekend, Robot Flower.
  • Eggy: Yeah, but that means that another person is no longer with us. What a sha—
  • Snowball: Robot Floor! You kill? That make Snowball happy! Oog, oog!

[Snowball starts to beat his "chest" out of dominance, but accidentally punctures a hole in himself.]

  • Snowball: That's going to take a while to fix. Tell me when it snows, wimps.
  • Robot Flower: But I'm no murderer! She just di... huh?

[Enter Lightning, who is really happy for an unknown reason.]

  • Lightning: Oh my cloud!
  • Bell: Lightning, as your friend, let me tell you that you shouldn't be here right now. For your own safety.
  • Lightning: I'm sorry, I was distracted by Snowball's testosterone-driven display of aggression.
  • Robot Flower: Go back to your own team, Death P.A.C.T.er!
  • Lightning: But I was never on Death P.A.C.T. I'm on Death P.A.C.T. Again, and the team I was on in BFB was iaaaaaaaa—

[She throws him towards Death P.A.C.T. Again.]

  • Snowball: Now he comes back to me.

[As soon as Lightning propels himself towards his team, he falls and lands right in front of Black Hole and Fanny.]

  • Fanny: It feels like a tropical storm, doesn't it?
  • Lightning: That or interstellar space.
  • Black Hole: Exactly.

[With The Strongest Team on Earth again.]

  • Basketball: True, he is nice, but this is still a place for us Strong Ones only.
  • Snowball: That's our, no, my name!
  • Bell: We really need to limit what comes our way.

[An envelope suddenly appears. Eggy reads the title.]

  • Eggy: "Totally not BFB 30 spoilers. For the blandest of them all." Foldy, it's for you.
  • Foldy: Thanks! [Beat.] Wait, what?

With Just Not[]

  • Foldy: I hope it's not one of those "snake nut" pranks because that would... no way! Gosh, this is some juicy stuff!
  • Robot Flower: What the?!
  • Cake: How's the drama going, guys?
  • Bomby: Wonderful!
  • Price Tag: Yeah, Book, thanks for telling me to write that Lollipop got fifth place.
  • Naily: I think they're really buying it.
  • Book: Aw, you're welcome. I can't imagine Lollipop ending up lower than the final three. I wouldn't be surprised if she won BFB; she's just so sweet! Why, this one time—
  • Price Tag: Wait a minute, something's off.
  • Naily: They're looking at us... and they're pointing and laughing! Even Snowball!
  • Pillow: According to my research, it must not be about an armless joke.
  • Naily: I think they know which team they got the message from.
  • Price Tag: We're in trouble.
  • Bell: [in the distance] It's pretty obvious you guys didn't include a source!
  • Grassy: Grassy doesn't believe you at all!
  • Basketball: Yeah, Just Notions, that's what you get for taunting me at the elevator!
  • Naily: Two episodes ago, you geek-burgers! [to the rest of her team] We're going to need to up our game, again.

In the lobby of Two's hotel[]

  • Coiny: Well, we're here.
  • Pin: That's perfect!

[She is about to ring the hotel bell, but it begins to speak in a robotic voice.]

  • Hotel Bell: You were about to ring?
  • Pin: Yes, hello.
  • Hotel Bell: Hello. Why do you come here?
  • Pin: You see, I've reserved a room at this fine establishment.
  • Hotel Bell: And what might your name be?
  • Pin: I am Leafy.
  • Needle: I'm Pencil!
  • Coiny: I'm Firey.
  • Clock: And I'm Clock.

[Coiny elbows him, not as hardly as he would if he were still his enemy.]

  • Coiny: He means he's Klock. With a "K".
  • Clock: But my name already has—
  • Coiny: It begins with a "K". The way the cool people do it, right.

[He does the same "style-strutting" gesture that Loser did in BFB 30.]

  • Hotel Bell: I only needed the name of the person who booked the room, but thank you for giving me those extra details. Not.

[A room key falls from the ceiling.]

  • Pin: My very own room key!

[They go up the stairs.]

  • Clock: [leading the others] Hup! Two, three, four...

[Enter Cloudy into the hotel building. He finds Tape, one of the characters that did not make it into the first episode.]

  • Cloudy: Hey, I need to borrow some of you, please.
  • Tape: Sure!

[Tape removes a bit of tape off their person and gives it to Cloudy.]

  • Cloudy: Thanks!
  • Tape: Take care; it's high quality!

With Just Not[]

  • Cake: Wow, you're really good at baking!
  • Nickel: I know. That and walking through mazes and haunted houses.
  • Pillow: What an odd combination of talents. I can't say I'm not not not surprised, though. According to my research, short people make the best chefs.
  • Book: That is news to me!
  • Nickel: Just have to put one more ingredient in it.
  • Pillow: Detergent?
  • Nickel: No! That's the last thing anyone should put in a pizza!
  • Pillow: Well, it was just a suggestion, and a pretty glorious one at that!

[Beat.]

  • Pillow: I like trolling.
  • Book: Indeed, trolling is fun. So, Nickel, whose team should we send our pizza to?
  • Nickel: I don't know. Maybe the team8s? Half of them seem really edgy for no apparent reason.
  • Book: Uh...

[She starts to think about Gaty and Saw, her formerly close friends, as their blank assets appear above their head.]

  • Price Tag: How about that Eraser guy over at AYO? He doesn't look that smart, and neither does his tall friend.
  • Pillow: Are you talking about 🅱️en?
  • Price Tag: That's the one. I'm sure they would both love a pizza.
  • Book: Isn't that a little stereotypical?
  • Price Tag: What do you mean?
  • Book: I have it in writing that both Pen and Eraser are—
  • Naily: Oh, Book, everyone loves pizza!
  • Bomby: Unless you're allergic.
  • Naily: Yeah.
  • Bomby: Like me.
  • Naily: Yeah. Wait...
  • Bomby: I'm allergic to all foods that end in "a".
  • Naily: Come on, Bomby, we know you're tripping. What about bananas?
  • Bomby: "Bananas" ends in "s"!

With Are You Okay[]

  • Golf Ball: Are You Okay!
  • Rest of her team: Yeah.
  • Golf Ball: I've come up with the most efficient plan in the universe to ensure none of us have access to any BFB spoilers!
  • Puffball: But spoilers are the best part of a show. Why should we protect ourselves from them?
  • Golf Ball: Says the person who got eliminated in BFDIA 6 expecting to get the most likes.
  • Fries: Hey, don't go ragging on Puffball; she lived to tell the tale!
  • Tennis Ball: Guys, what's that in the sky?

[A pizza is suspended in mid-air. It is dangled by Price Tag, who uses their string as some kind of fishing pole.]

  • Pen: No way, can it be?
  • Eraser: It's a pizza!
  • Pen: Meraviglioso!

[He says this in a North American accent for various reasons.]

  • Fries: No, it isn't. Pizzas don't fall out of the sky like that.

[Two paper plates fall from the sky as soon as he says this.]

  • Eraser: Air pizzas do.
  • Golf Ball: Ignorant boy-children! There is no time to consume anything when you're supposed to be working!
  • Tennis Ball: GB, please just let them have fun and eat their pizzas. We can be constructive without them and let them in on our plans later.
  • Golf Ball: But, but, the timing! We cannot afford to lose any—
  • Tennis Ball: They're friends with Blocky.
  • Golf Ball: Okay, fine. [to Pen and Eraser] You two, have fun with your weird, exotic Eye-talian food. Just don't involve me in it.
  • Eraser: Will do, Supreme Leader.

[Exeunt Pen and Eraser.]

  • Golf Ball: I don't care if he's saying it sarcastically; "Supreme Leader" has a nice ring to it.
  • TV: It really doesn't, but I respect your opinion.

With The S![]

  • Cloudy: I'm back.
  • Ice Cube: Um, no?
  • Winner: But Icy, there is fundamental proof that Cloudy is indeed back.
  • Ice Cube: Okay!
  • Yellow Face: Yum, duct tape!
  • Cloudy: You've had this before?
  • Yellow Face: If you go to my warehouse, you can get them in sets of 100 for only $14.99 plus tax!
  • Winner: Cool, what a steal!
  • Cloudy: I got this one from a person.
  • Balloony: Alright, everyone, can you please do the thing now?
  • Cloudy: Sure!

[Rocky and Winner hold Balloony down as Cloudy somehow tapes his mouth shut.]

  • Balloony: Mm, mmm! [Subtitles appear on the screen, saying "This doesn't feel good!"]
  • Cloudy: I'm sorry, but it's the only thing we can do. You would have done the same thing for me, and you did!
  • Balloony: Mm, mmm! [Subtitles: "That was the untying bit, you overcast cuckoo!"]
  • Yellow Face: This doesn't seem to be in order.
  • Winner: Well, you heard Cloudy earlier. Balloony isn't the best at keeping secrets, like when all of Beep went to the cinema to see Fast and the Furries and they only let the grown-ups in, so almost the whole team had to stay outside and see it when they got older, but then Balloony told them the plot of the film right after it ended. We think it might happen that he'll slip up and send one of us to Two's hotel.
  • Balloony: Mm, mmm! [Subtitles: "That's not how it happened! But I can still communicate with you through mind waves."]

With Are You Okay[]

  • Eraser: This is nice. We can never just sit and do nothing together.
  • Pen: So true, buddy. [looks at his pizza] Y'know, eating like this reminds me of the family dinners we used to have.
  • Eraser: Yeah. You'd bring your girlfriend to our house every Saturday night.
  • Pen: And you'd bring your girlfriends, sometimes to the same dinner and while your then-ex was sitting next to you.
  • Eraser: Oh, stepsisters can be a handful sometimes.

[Pen sighs.]

  • Eraser: Dude, you okay?
  • Pen: I... I just miss her. She's over in the EXIT and I'm over here, and, and it doesn't feel right. With her being gone and with Tree being just a JERK these days, I just need someone to offer me comfort.
  • Eraser: Don't do it with me, bro; I've been built to be emotionless.
  • Pen: Yeah, I've got that for a while.
  • Eraser: If BFB is really finished, then she must be free by now. You know, both of our shes. No doubt Four would try to get rid of the old contestants. You should try hitting her up again.
  • Pen: I'll actually try to do that! Wherever she is.
  • Eraser: True, wherever. Whenever.
  • Pen: Was that the beginning of a song?
  • Eraser: [looks the other way out of embarrassment for liking Shakira] Hahahahahaha! No.
  • Pen: Whatever. Let's just eat.
  • Eraser: Mang-ee-amo!

[They both raise their pizzas, but just as the bottom is visible, Golf Ball notices.]

  • Golf Ball: SPOILERRRRRRR!

[She runs over to the boys, who are confused.]

  • Golf Ball: There is a spoiler on this pizz-uh!
  • Fries: Golf Ball, that's ridiculous. Pizzas don't have spoilers on them. They're probably just burn marks in the form of words.
  • Puffball: Like when Donut accidentally walked into the oven and got scorched with the words "No regrets" on him?
  • Fries: Yeah, dumbest tattoo ever. Good thing he died a minute later.
  • Puffball: What did he do?
  • Fries: He got hit by an asteroid.
  • Puffball: Bwahahaha, silly Donut!
  • Donut: [in the distance] I can hear you!
  • Tennis Ball: [looks at the bottom of the pizza] It looks like there are actual words here.
  • TV: Cool, what do they say?
  • Tennis Ball: [reads] "Spongy is the second one eliminated after the split."

[Golf Ball gasps.]

  • Golf Ball: Why! Do! My! Plans! Never wo—

Inside the hotel[]

  • Pin: —rk, stupid key!
  • Coiny: Try putting it in the other way.
  • Needle: Why do they even call it a key? It's clearly a credit card in disguise.
  • Clock: I thought "key" was just a general term for things you need to enter a place.
  • Needle: Wouldn't that make Rocky a key? In the South-West Goikyan culture, you have to move a boulder to gain entrance to a sacred place.
  • Coiny: Never thought of that before. Smart thinking, Need—Needle.

[As if by magic, Pin puts the key through the slot and the door opens.]

  • Coiny: Awesome! I call this bed!
  • Clock: "This bed"? Wait, we're not going to be... sleeping here, right?
  • Coiny: Oh, no.
  • Pin: Totally not.
  • Coiny: That'll only happen when [to Needle and Clock] you two are not around.
  • Needle: Hmmph!
  • Clock: Whatever. Should we just order room service? I think that's what people do in hotels.
  • Needle: Sharp yes!
  • Coiny: Let's do this!
  • Clock: Don't get anything too expensive, yeah?

With Just Not[]

  • Golf Ball: I do not believe this. I do not believe this!
  • Fries: Me neither. Spongy got eliminated second? I'd have put my money on first.
  • Pen: Pencil got eliminated second...
  • Eraser: No, she left first, remember?
  • Pen: The first one eliminated was my heart when I found out she got the most votes.
  • Golf Ball: Pen, your sentimentality is slowly killing me.
  • Cake: Did we do it? Did we actually trick a team?
  • Naily: It looks like we did!
  • Price Tag: Are You Okay's weakness is clearly stupidity, though I can't quite say whose it is.
  • Book: Um, I think something's wrong here.
  • Tennis Ball: GB, I'm pretty sure this is an unsubstantiated claim. Anybody can say that Spongy got eliminated second; a true spoiler has evidence to back it up.
  • Golf Ball: Ooh, you're right. There's no source for this statement, so we have no choice but to throw it out.
  • Eraser: So can we eat now?
  • Golf Ball: No! You are on my team and I'm not going to let you fall for some ridiculous...
  • Nickel: Maybe we should just give up.
  • Pillow: Why give up? We're just getting started! We should make up fake spoilers all the time. We should write more lies, like that Flower and Teardrop had a date at the mall. That a profile picture became a contestant for no reason. That the Announcer comes back!
  • Book: [suspicious] Pillow, did you actually watch the all-new BFB?
  • Naily: She couldn't have. Everyone knows that the Announcer won't be returning to Earth any time soon.

[The rest of the team agree.]

  • Pillow: Just trolling again!

Pin's hotel room[]

  • Clock: Are you sure you don't want to come down and eat with me?
  • Pin: No thanks, we're good!
  • Coiny: Jumping on beds is awesome!
  • Needle: Easy for you to say. It kind of sucks when your head has to dodge the ceiling fan.
  • Clock: Suit yourself, because this, this... whatever it is, is one of the best things I've ever tasted.
  • Pin: Coiny, I'm bored.
  • Needle: Me too.
  • Coiny: Okay, let's stop.

[At once, they plop down on the bed.]

  • Pin: How about we watch some TV?
  • Coiny: Sure, we can do that! Hey, Clock, we're going to be watching something on the big screen, so it's going to get a little noisy. You won't mind it, will you?
  • Clock: [as Pin turns on the TV] Oh, gosh no. As long as it's not one of those annoying shows where they scream at you through the screen.
  • Needle: Ha, ha, that's absolutely not what we're going to be watching. Pin, change the channel, quick!
  • Coiny: You can come sit with us whenever you want.
  • Clock: Really, you would involve me in something as intimate as TV time?
  • Coiny: Well, yeah. We're friends now, right?
  • Clock: I... guess so.
  • Pin: Hooray!

With Death P.A.C.T. Again[]

  • Marker: Superheroes?
  • Fanny: I hate them!
  • Marker: Supermarkets?
  • Fanny: I hate them!
  • Marker: Superparamagnetism?
  • Fanny: I don't even know what that is, and I hate it!
  • Black Hole: Now, what can that say about you?
  • Fanny: I hate everything!
  • Black Hole: That's it.
  • Tree: Shh, I think someone's in trouble!

[Tree hears Balloony in pain.]

  • Lightning: Oh no, it's our new friend Balloony!
  • Black Hole: We have to go save him.
  • Tree: Black Hole, do you think you can teleport us to where The S! are?
  • Black Hole: I don't think so. It won't prevent death, because there is a, a 1% chance that the process will go wrong and you, you might die.
  • Tree: I'm willing to take that chance.
  • Black Hole: I'm not. Your legs are working; walk there yourselves.

With The S![]

  • Yellow Face: ♫ Dance where the corn grows high, under a golden sky... ♫
  • Balloony: Mm, mmm!
  • Fanny: What the wind is going on?
  • Cloudy: Oh, Death P.A.C.T. Again-ers, hello. This isn't what it looks like.
  • Tree: I think we are witnessing a scene of extreme cruelty.
  • Lightning: What have you done to Balloony?
  • Winner: Well... okay, even he admitted it to us, but... Balloony is a blabbermouth.
  • Balloony: Mm, mmm! [Subtitles: "No, I am not!"]
  • Cloudy: Fast and the Furries.
  • Balloony: Mm, mmm! [Subtitles: "Alright, that was a one-off incident."]
  • Fanny: Huh?
  • Yellow Face: Balloony can talk to us through his mind waves!
  • Lightning: That's kind of suspicious.
  • Tree: I still think you should help the bloke. Take the tape off his mouth and all that.
  • Black Hole: And that's an order from the Death P.A.C.T.ers!

[Everyone looks at Black Hole and his sudden assertion.]

  • Black Hole: Sorry, I was a bit in the moment earlier.
  • Winner: I guess you're right. Balloony, we're going to remove the tape from your mouth. What do you say?
  • Balloony: [angrily] Mm, mmm! [Subtitles: "That's the only thing I've wished for in the last twenty minutes!"]
  • Cloudy: Hold still; this might hurt a little!

Pin's hotel room[]

  • Clock: Wow, your sense of humour is really weird.
  • Pin: You didn't think it was funny when the time machine blew up?
  • Clock: I actually found it highly offensive.
  • Coiny: Well, what do you like to watch for fun?
  • Clock: Debates on whether or not to keep daylight savings time.

[Coiny, Pin and Needle look at each other.]

  • Clock: Those frumpy old politicians are so based in their opinions, but their arguments are so flawed; it's such a racket.

[Silence.]

  • Clock: Oh, hey, there's a commercial break. Can you please mute the TV?
  • Pin: Why, are you scared?
  • Clock: No... I just think something's a little off. Like we shouldn't be watching it or something.
  • Coiny: Aw, lighten up, bro. Nothing bad's going to happen.
  • Clock: Okay, then.

[View of the television.]

Narrator: Next up, on In and Around You, Flower has her first exit interview after her courageous BFB win a few months ago.
Flower: ... before I take that microphone and SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR—wait, no, that's wrong; the Jelly Boy and I are just friends and we've called each other that since we were in the final two together. But then I won and...

[Eerie music begins to play as Clock gasps. The others have to wait a while for the realization to set in.]

  • Coiny: Maybe... we should have muted the ads.
  • Pin: And looked the other way.
  • Clock: Oh, really.
  • Pin: [sighs] Oh, this is bad.
  • Needle: If Two finds out that we heard an actual spoiler from BFB, we're going to be in trouble.
  • Pin: I mean, we can always hide the evidence! Break the TV or something like that?
  • Clock: That wouldn't be fair to those who worked day and night to build this television set.
  • Pin: You're right; I forgot you were into rules and all that.
  • Needle: Well, Two can't hear us, just like we couldn't hear them back in episode 1.
  • Clock: Yeah. Maybe we'll get out of this mess scot-free! Never thought I'd say that before...

With Death P.A.C.T. Again and The S![]

  • Lightning: [looking behind] We look so weird right now.
  • Tree: Yeah, can someone work a little faster? I'm getting tired.
  • Fanny: PUSH THROUGH IT.
  • Tree: Ah, okay, I will! Loud.
  • Balloony: Mm, mmm! [Subtitles: "I have had enough!"]

[He rips off the tape from his mouth.]

  • Balloony: AAAAAAAAAHiiii didn't expect this to be so painless.
  • Cloudy: That's right, we don't have human mouths like Davids do.
  • Balloony: I'm still angry with you lot. You clearly don't trust me!
  • Winner: Well, it's not that...
  • Cloudy: We know how you are with spoilers.
  • Balloony: Ah, please, I can stop myself from saying that... that... th...
  • Yellow Face: Uh oh.
  • Cloudy: He's going to bloooooooow!
  • Balloony: [loudly] Flower won BFB and Gelatin got second place! He put together a newbie alliance with Teardrop and Lollipop, and they all helped save Four from their eternal sadness on the Sun! The Announcer came back and briefly stole the BFDI that was meant to be given to Flower for she won, but she gave it back to him after realizing that was the only copy of it left! In the end, everything ended happily ever after and a' body stayed behind while Leafy and Firey, having made up, gaed off into the sunset to find a Dream Island of their oooooown! [out of breath] Oof, that felt so good to get out.

[Silence.]

  • Nickel: Hey, Balloony's back! [to Price Tag] We were on the same team.
  • Price Tag: He seems animated.
  • Nickel: You have no idea.

End of the contest[]

The field[]

  • Two: Well, I think a spoiler has been spoken, which means a team is finally up for elimination!
  • Winner: Oy, this is the end for The S!.
  • Two: Hang on. Like the well-informed citizen that I am, I have to ask: do you have a source for that, sonny?
  • Fanny: [getting progressively angrier] Source? SOURCE? You need a source for that? He is the source! Balloony is one of the fourteen contestants who chose to stay with Four, and I believe that he is speaking the truth about BFB from first-hand experience! That makes his words an actual spoiler! Balloony spoiled the BFB finale, which means his team— [quietly] whatever it is— [back to extreme anger] must be up for elimination!
  • Two: Cool story, mate. So, Balloony, which team do you see yourself as part of?
  • Cloudy: Uh-oh.
  • Balloony: First I wanted to be a part of The S!. But judging by the way that they treated me, with the whole "tape over my mouth" and all that, I'd rather be on the team that has given me salvation.
  • Black Hole: Uh-oh...
  • Foldy: You're going to join a mainstream church? Pie's not going to like that...
  • Balloony: I claim myself as a part of Death P.A.C.T.

[A dramatic sting plays.]

  • Lightning: So to clarify, we're actually "Death P.A.C.T. Again."
  • [ Fanny · Tree ]: Shut up, Lightning!
  • Two: And that means Death P.A.C.T. Again is up for elimination.
  • Balloony: No, wait, Two, I meant to say I'm part of some other team!
  • Two: Too late! [against a voting screen] Vote in the comments using the le—

[Suddenly, a voice rings out in the distance.]

  • Remote: Hold on a minute. You are all wrong.

[Everyone gasps, as Remote is revealed to be alive.]

  • Black Hole: Remote, you're alive. This is so, so grand.
  • Pillow: Called it! Tra la la la la.
  • Basketball: Wait, I thought Robot Flower killed you.
  • Remote: Oh, I was dead for a while, but then I came back.
  • Tree: [melodramatically] Remote, why did you do it?
  • Pen: Omg, Tree, you're so dramatic.
  • Tree: Zhh!
  • Remote: Do what?
  • Tree: Come to life! It seems here that dead people are dead forever.
  • Remote: That might have been the case, but you don't know the half of it.

[Remote begins to tell the story of how she came back to life with images and flashbacks.]

  • Remote: I may have died, but my ghost did not. In that form I carried my dead carcass off the ledge of the roof of Two's hotel and dropped it down, and then I carried myself back up, in the same way that I literally carried my team back in episode 1. There I sought after a battery, any battery, until I remembered from the first Cake at Stake that there was an actual Battery that was sent to the hotel for not getting enough votes to join the show. So I went up to the hotel room where Battery was staying and asked myself in—the undead have privileges in that area—
  • Marker: I knew it!
  • Remote: —and that is when I kidnapped Battery, put the body inside my compartment without anyone protesting and came back to life.

[More silence at this revelation.]

  • Black Hole: Remote, you may have come back to life, but, but that's still not preventing death.
  • Two: Cool story. But what does that have to do with your team not being up for elimination again?
  • Remote: While I was in Battery's living chamber, I heard some strange noises.
  • Pen: Yeah, hotels are full of people who like to make noise—
  • Remote: Be quiet. As I was saying, you won't believe whose distinct voices I heard up there.
  • Two: Ooh, this is getting juicy! Tell us more.

Pin's hotel room[]

  • Clock: I'm bored.
  • Needle: Who do you think has—I mean, will be up for elimination?
  • Clock: Well, it can't be any of our teams.
  • Coiny: Yeah, we did great!
  • Pin: I hope this friendship never ends.

[Enter Two out of nowhere. They open the hotel door from the inside and all the other contestants come in as well.]

  • Clock: What's going on?
  • Needle: I don't want another intervention!
  • Coiny: Get away from us, Two! Can't you see we deserve our privacy?

[He throws a magazine at their face. Two picks it up and reads the title.]

  • Two: Gossip: "The BFB Edition". Despicable.
  • Pin: It wasn't— it wasn't—
  • Two: That is not the evidence I came here for. According to a source whose name I will not give...
  • Yellow Face: It's Remote!
  • Two: ... you four were in this hotel room watching BFB for the spoilers!
  • Pin: What?
  • Needle: No-no-no-no-no-no-no...
  • Coiny: It wasn't intentional!
  • Clock: BFB's not even out on home video yet.
  • Two: But there's one problem with this situation.
  • Fanny: One problem? ONE PROBLEM? I can think of two thousand—
  • Two: Fanny. [Beat.] Znarf.

[That is the sound of Two attempting a screech. It does not have as strong an effect as Four's screech. Fanny falls down anyway.]

  • Two: The easiest thing for me to do would be to put your whole team up for elimination. But the obvious problem is that you, Clock, are on a different team...
  • Winner: [in the back of the crowd, invisible] So that's where he went! Greetings, comrade!

[They wave their hand; it is the only part of their body we can see. Clock waves back with his foot, very subtly and with a tiny smile.]

  • Two: Now I can't put two teams up for elimination because that would confuse things. But what I can do is ask you this...
  • Needle: Oh my metal, I am not in a relationship with him!
  • Two: No. I was going to ask Clock, the honest one, the one who could never tell a lie, the one who can kill someone with just a look: Who, out of the four of you, heard the spoiler first?
  • Clock: Well, it... it played on the TV, so I guess we all did.
  • Two: Then who noticed it first?

[Clock looks upwards at the flashback that he was the first to gasp while the others were dazed and confused. A flashback from the end of BFB 15 also enters his head.]

The Losers! except Leafy: O'... Clock!
Clock: Wh- what?

[He then looks back at Coiny, Pin and Needle, who are trembling with fear.]

  • Clock: I did. Coiny and Pin were in the bathroom together and Needle was making a cake. [Cake gasps at this] I'm sorry, Esses.

[Clock closes his eyes out of dignity.]

  • Two: [happily] So that means The S! are up for elimination!

Voting screen[]

  • Two: Vote in the comments using the letter and square brackets for who you don't want to be eliminated! Vote for who you want to stay! The person with the fewest votes will leave the show! You can even vote for Bottle, even though she's dead! And not just dead, but deader than dead! Super dead! Ultra mega deady-dead Bottle vote now!
  • Basketball: And remember to cite your sources!

[Roll credits.]

Post-credits scenes[]

EXIT[]

  • Stapy: I miss Liy.
  • Match: I miss Ruby.
  • Pencil: I miss Pen.
  • Stapy: I miss Liy. And Foldy, don't forget Foldy.
  • Bracelety: Wait, Pencil! You say that you miss Pen? From the Death P.A.C.T.?
  • Pencil: Well, yeah.
  • Stapy: I thought you were in a relationship, but you left him because you thought that he was getting too stupidly nice for you... but he's had the same personality the whole time, and you're just getting too calculatedly mean for everyone and therefore the world—
  • Match: [slaps Stapy] Don't insult her, like, fat-like!
  • Stapy: But I thought Pen was skinny. And a boy, which you hate!
  • Pencil: He is, like, lanky and an exception, and I think Match was talking about you.
  • Match: Omg, Penc-penc, that's so true!

[They high-five.]

  • Stapy: Ugh.
  • 8-Ball: [monotonously] So that is the writing utensil that is in the picture at which you have been staring.
  • Pencil: No.
  • Match: Then why do you look so, like, sad?
  • Pencil: Because the camera quality of this picture of lettuce is so terrible! See?

[Pencil finally shows Match, and consequently the audience, the picture. She is right. It is indeed a picture of (non-sentient) lettuce.]

Pin's hotel room[]

  • Two: Alright everyone, let's go.

[The other contestants, led by Two, exit the room.]

  • Two: Out. Afuera. Taobh amuigh.
  • Lightning: Hey, I know what that means!
  • Two: Yes. Yes, you do.

[Coiny, Pin, Needle and Clock are left alone, although Eggy stays behind as well. She has a cheeky grin on her face.]

  • Coiny: What exactly are you doing here?
  • Eggy: If I had arms, I'd be pointing and laughing at you right now.
  • Clock: What did I do?
  • Eggy: Not you, the two lovebirds over there! [turns her head towards Coiny and Pin] The bathroom, har har har!
  • Pin: Huh?
  • Coiny: Hey! And FYI, we don't need to do things in the bathroom. We're basically celebrities; we can make an Only Haters account and get a captive audience to watch us.
  • Eggy: Just 'cause you can doesn't mean you should. [about to go] Well, goodbye, Losers.
  • Clock: Yeah, bye.

[She closes the door.]

  • Pin: And good riddance.
  • Coiny: Hey, Clock... you didn't have to cover for us, you know. We're the ones who got you into this whole hotel mess. You could have just hung out with your own team for once.
  • Clock: Thanks, but I did have fun. And I never do.
  • Needle: Just the four of us, we really find ways to enjoy ourselves in these troubling times.
  • Coiny: That's the Losers' way!
  • Clock: But... should I actually tell Two the truth? I think it would make us all feel better.
  • Needle: Sure.
  • Coiny: I wouldn't mind. There's, like, no chance I'll be eliminated if the team8s are up for voting.
  • Pin: Yeah, you're not boring. Like Gaty.
  • Needle: Or Barf Bag!
  • Pin: Yeah, Barf Bag, haha!
  • Clock: Well, I'll be off now. Coming down?
  • Coiny: I think we'll be up here for a while.
  • Clock: See you round.
  • Needle: See ya, Clock.
  • [ Coiny · Pin ]: Bye!
  • Clock: Don't you forget about me!

[Exit Clock.]

  • Pin: It feels good to have a happy ending.
  • Coiny: Even if we're up for elimination, this day can't go wrong.
  • Clock: [from behind the door] TWO'S GONE!

[Coiny, Pin and Needle look at each other as the words "To be continued" appear on the screen.]

THE END

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