"Horseback Lightswitch" is the non-canon second episode of TPOT by Jacknjellify. It was released on 21 May 1973. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out. In its creation process, the episode was known by other names, including "Do No Evil No Longer" and "Gogma".
Wherever TPOT takes place
- TV: Greetings, my friends. Let us watch the BFB finale together.
[Vague noises of disapproval.]
- Black Hole: Mmm, I don't know, that sounds like a bad idea, for us to do that.
- Fanny: I hate that I'm saying this, but I agree! What if we regain our memories of being under Four's command? What if a contestant that doesn't deserve it wins? What if we—what if we—
- Pin: Fanny, stop it. Saying "what if" repeatedly is my thing.
- Fanny: I hate being told how to speak!
[Fanny kicks Pin. Pin slaps back. The series of interactions devolves into a kicking-and-slapping fight.]
- Coiny: Ooh, a chick fight! I love when this happens, especially if it's about me—
- Donut: Coiny!
- Coiny: What?
- Donut: You shouldn't encourage things like this; you should stop 'em!
- Coiny: Okay, you're right. [to Fanny and Pin] Hey, guys, stop this madness!
- Pin: [to Fanny] Don't make me use my [pauses fighting and touches the top of her body with glee] point [resumes fighting] on you.
- Fanny: I shall blow you to heck!
- Pin: Stabbing time is my second favourite compared to rhyming time!
- Coiny: Don't do that! Don't you know that you're dangerous?
- Coiny: Dangerously hot, that is.
[Pin stops her fight with Fanny and slaps Coiny. She walks away with much anger.]
- Coiny: Pin, wait; I was talking about you exclusively! Fanny's pretty ugly, and—
- Fanny: I hate you!
[Fanny kicks Coiny off the horizon as a couple of contestants watch.]
- Fries: Fight the good fight, Fanny!
- Cake: Taggy, do you know what's going on?
- Price Tag: No, but I'd sure like to. When I joined this show, I was prepared for greater character development and a proliferation of emotions.
- Cake: I guess it's happening here, so... wish granted?
- Price Tag: Partially.
- Cake: Yeah.
- Naily: [to Price Tag and Cake] Shh. We can't talk about that here.
- Nickel: Breaking the fourth wall, Just Not-ers? Dab it, my boyonocerous!
[He notices that Woody is gone, as demonstrated by his silhouette blinking.]
- Nickel: Oh, oh, that's right. Woody joined BFB.
- Eraser: Yeah, it's the same place that Blocky went.
- Price Tag: What's your deal with Blocky, anyway? I barely know you and it's like you don't even shut up about him!
- Eraser: Well...
[Loud electronic music begins to play as Eraser assumes the form of a rubber-human hybrid, while stock footage of algebraliens dancing plays in the background.]
♫ Blocky, Blocky, oh so cocky,
So much better than, uh, Rocky,
Because he barfs and, uh...
Blocky cleans up the barf and there's... ♫
[The song ends abruptly.]
- Eraser: Pen, you're a good singer; help me finish the song.
- Pen: I don't want to.
- Eraser: But bro—
- Pen: Let me cry about my broken love triangle in peace!
- Eraser: He's not even cry— [calling out] Pen, if you're talking about the Tree thing, he's right here!
- Tree: Against my will.
- Eraser: Seems like you two had it going on, didn't you?
- Tree: Let me stop you before you raise your eyebrow. It was a hug. He can have that naff iance sheila.
- Eraser: And now he's off crying, because of you.
- Tree: And he calls me a softie.
Roof of Two's hotel
- Two: "Start projecting my voice," they said. Slap, slap, punch, they said. [imitating Rocky] "Buh-leh!" they said. Well, I've had enough. My subordinate contestants are mutinying against me, and I won't put up with this any longer! I have to do what I have to do.
[Two takes the etiquette book they're reading and is about to throw it into the fire.]
- Two: Throw all morality into the fire! You see, in Number World we are taught a rule that doesn't exist in this one: Treat others as you would like to be treated. And since I was treated like ick, I will treat the contestants like ick! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
[Two's evil laughter is interrupted by Gaty, who saunters near them.]
- Gaty: Two. To whom are you speaking?
- Two: Oh, hi, Gay! Thank you for being in my presence as the only one who can give me solace.
- Gaty: Did you just call me "Ga—
- Two: I'm so glad that you've brought me back to my senses. I'm not going to try to be evil any more, and it's all thanks to you. And you get immunity to the final 2!
- Gaty: Wow, really?
- Two: No.
[Gaty makes the same face Golf Ball and Tree did in BFB 13.]
- Gaty: In that case, could you please leave us alone? Saw and I want to play Spongy Cake.
- Two: O-kay do-kay! [Pause.] Wait. You two are playing "Spongy Cake".
- [ · ]: Yeah.
- Two: And it's a game made by Match, who isn't here right now.
- [ · ]: Yeah.
- Two: And it's a game about Spongy, who also isn't here right now.
- [ · ]: Yeah!
- Two: Sooooo...
- Gaty: Well, someone has to fill in the gap.
- Two: Fine with me. You twoOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[They are interrupted by the playing of the TPOT intro.]
- Two: —do whatever you've got toOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[The TPOT intro plays again.]
- Two: —do.
- Saw: Wow, the theme song played, like, twice! You can control when it eman8s from you, right?
- Gaty: Of course. Two said the word "to" numerous times in their rant. I think they're doing it just to annoy us.
- Saw: But it's a good song.
- Gaty: Amen.
Cake at Stake
- Two: Aw, I love you too! And I didn't just say that because my name is "Two".
- Rocky: [vomits] Bulleh!
- Golf Ball: For once, I am in agreement with Rocky here. Buh-leh.
- Two: [unimpressed] Let's do Cake at Stake.
[A brand new Cake at Stake theme. A big band jazz theme plays, reminiscent of the 1940s.]
♫ C is for "Cake at Stake".
A is for "Ake at Stake".
K is for "Ke at Stake".
E is for "elimination".
You all know what "at stake" means,
So let's call the whole thing off. ♫
[Sound of one person applauding.]
- Bomby: Disgusting!
- Book: Yeah, whoever made it just strung two melodies together and they don't even match.
- Lightning: It's a happy abomination...
- Pen: [to everyone] Eyy! I composed that! Be nice.
- Tree: Oh, yeah, and I wrote the words. It was a beautiful, moonlit night, and I must have been drunk in my trunk because I can't imagine writing song lyrics of such low quali—oh, they can't hear me.
- Golf Ball: Wait, Pen, you wrote this terrible melody? That, that is unacceptable! Everyone on Are You Okay—
- Rest of her teammates: Yeah?
- Golf Ball: —must be familiar with at least three months of advanced music theory! And anyone who finishes the class with less than a 95% is not even partially worthy of being on our team!
- Two: Are you done?
- Snowball: GB, this is no time to rant!
- Two: [sigh] Anyway, we've got 59,695 votes for this episode. Black Hole is safe. Remote is safe. Lightning is safe. Tree is safe. Fanny is safe. Marker is safe. Tinder is safe. Flute is safe. Heli Working Pick is safe. Banana Pad is safe.
- Lightning: Wait a minute, Two.
- Two: Peter Jennedy's Wood Campfire is sa—yes, you wanted to say something, Lightning?
- Lightning: Er... no.
- Remote: Two, where are our cakes?
- Two: Oh yeah! Cakes... cakes... cake...
[Two scopes the audience of contestants not up for elimination. They eventually stare at Cake.]
- Cake: Don't even think about it.
- Two: What? No! I wasn't looking at you; I was looking behind you! You're sitting in front of a giant boulder. Mind if you throw it to me?
- Cake: [tries to lift it] But I can't!
- Naily: Don't worry, Cake; I've got this!
[She kicks the boulder with much force, and it lands right in the middle of the Cake at Stake place.]
- Two: Now everyone, share this cake.
- Marker: Sharing is caring, guys.
[The contestants declared "safe" all sit around the boulder, but one person is left: Pie.]
- Pie: Two, do you know if I am safe as well?
- Two: Well, what do you think?
- Pie: [sighs for 3.2 seconds] I'm not.
- Two: That's correct! And with that, Pie is the first one eliminated! Happy trails to you.
- Pie: Until we meet again. You know what they say, you win some, you lose some.
[She does nothing.]
- Tree: Aren't you supposed to do something so we know she's eliminated?
- Two: You're right! Pie, please enter my hotel with the others and don't come out.
- Pie: Sounds like a plan.
[She enters the hotel emotionlessly, where a crowd of recommended characters await her.]
- Pie: Hey, party people, who wants to learn yoga?
- Recommended characters: Yay!
[The door slams shut.]
- Black Hole: Two, that was rough. No goodbye?
- Two: Like you could ever give Pie a proper farewell.
[Black Hole frowns, but the viewers don't see it.]
- Foldy: [gasps loudly] Pie... is GOGMA!
- Basketball: Wait, what's that?
- Fries: Don't tell me that's one of those words only you and Stapy know!
- Marker: [in the background] And Marker!
- Foldy: No, you don't get it! During her stay here in the competition, Pie followed the antithesis of mainstream religious persuasion, or "dogma". She called it "gogma", a homonym of another word of hers, "gogma", which means "blueberries". I have since then realized that her teaching is the truth, that we should all abandon our previous philosophies and strive for the non-religious lifestyle that objectkind so strongly demands! For our show, for our continent, for our universe, let us tread the path of Pie's GOGMA!
- Bell: Foldy, you might need a licenced therapist.
- Robot Flower: I'm sorry, but you're all alone on this one.
- Basketball: Yeah, none of us really knew Pie well enough to adopt her ideologies.
- Grassy: Grassy is gogma!
- Nickel: It's better than ligma, heh.
- Two: Now, with Pie out of the way, let's get to the next challenge!
- Eraser: Which is?
- Two: Thanks for asking!
[Two does nothing.]
- Pillow: Idleness is so last year.
[Two claps their hands twice and suddenly everyone is standing on top of Two's hotel building.]
- Two: And The S! are up for elimination! [to the viewers] Voters! Vote in the comments using the letter and square brackets for who you don't—
[Everyone talks at once.]
- Clock: Wait a minute, wait a ticking minute! I think I speak for my comrades when I say that there is absolutely no criterion that could justify our being up for elimination. You can't be serious about this, Two.
- Two: Why not? The contest was to bring Bottle back to life. Bottle may be on your team, but ironically you lot had done the least to get her back!
- Cloudy: Well, we weren't informed about this contest.
- Two: I told you, did I not?
- All: No!
- Eggy: Oh no, does this mean that Bottle is dead forever? I liked that she made me seem smart.
- Two: Yes. May she haunt all of you in your sleep.
- Marker: But I have a bottle right here! [holds up a soda can]
- Fanny: Marker, that's a can, not a bottle!
- Clock: I'm sure not happy with the results. Two, put some other team up for elimination right now.
- Two: Yes, sir! Who do you choose?
- Clock: I nominate the team8s.
- Coiny: Clock, what the mint? You can't just do that!
- Barf Bag: Yeah, this doesn't seem very fair.
- Clock: Half of your team forgot I was dead for over a year! You think I don't have a right to be ticked off?
- Pin: Nice pun usage.
- Coiny: Just because you're obsessed with playing by the host's rules doesn't mean you can send people away. Two, send him to the hotel before I throw him there myself!
[Everyone starts arguing.]
- Winner: EVERYONE, STOP FIGHTING!
- Snowball: World star! World star! World...
- Winner: [as inspirational music begins to play] Fellow contestants, have we forgotten what camaraderie meant to all of us? Most of you joined this show to free yourselves from the stifling grip of Four, and now here you all are pretending to be in control! Two never specified what the contest was; they simply chose a team for elimination for no valid reason! Instead of fighting each other, let us unite against a common foe just as we had so valiantly done in the before time!
- Cloudy: That was a beautiful speech there, Winner.
- Rocky: Mm-hmm!
- Bell: All right, contestants, you know what to do!
- All: Yeah!
- Two: Uh oh.
[A scene of contestant mutiny, almost identical to the one from the first episode, but with new contestants taking part in the uprising.]
- Two: Not again!
- Two: Vote in the comments using the letter and square brackets for who you don't want to be eliminated! Vote for who you want to stay. The person with the least votes will leave the show!
- Golf Ball: [off-screen] It's fewest.
- Two: Sorry. The person with the least votes will leave the fewest!
- Tennis Ball: You know nobody's up for voting, right?
- Golf Ball: Be quiet, I don't feel like having another war.
- Pencil: Liy, get back here!
- Liy: Wow! What is this place? [points at the cow] And what's this thing? Can it, like, not be here right now?
[The cow bellows and runs off.]
- Liy: Thank you.
- Pencil: [popping her head out of the door with Stapy] I guess it didn't like your personality.
- Liy: [pulling Pencil and Stapy out] I'd lock you in this universe alone if I could.
- Stapy: Cool story, bro. Now can we go back to Exit before a certain number notices we're missing?
- Liy: Nope! I'm going to stay here.
- Stapy: Why?
- Liy: It's always been my dream to be a cowgirl.
[At once, Liy goes on all fours and slowly walks off into the sunset.]
- Liy: MOOOOOO!
- Stapy: [calling] Liy, that's a cow! [to Pencil] I would know. I've only read one book in my life and it was about cows.
- Pencil: Liy, get back here! Again!
- Stapy: Let her follow her dreams, Pencil. Let her follow her dreams.
[He goes back through the door.]
- Pencil: Dreams...
[She takes out a picture and stares at it wistfully. We don't know who's in it (yet), but judging by Pencil's reaction, it's obviously someone very close to her carbon interior. This scene is followed by the obligatory "To be continued..." screen against a white background.]
- Oh yeah, Pen and Pencil are still a couple in this, albeit in a very, very long distance relationship.
- Man, I love TextSynth. This is what it says about BFB 10: Dear diary, I regret to inform you that I discovered something very horrific about Bomby today. You see, he was eating, and he was eating…something. And the horrible truth has been revealed: Bomby swallowed a dead mouse!! Bomby is the youngest of our group of cats. He was just three weeks old when he arrived at the shelter. His mother had been put to sleep due to an illness and his father was a tiny little kitten. Both of them were not able to take care of him, so he was given to my brother and his wife for adoption. He was immediately nicknamed “Poopie”, because he would poop in any house he was taken to. He was a very sweet kitty, and would go around purring and rubbing himself against people. Unfortunately, he would also poop. And it was very sticky, as it almost always ended up on the bottom of shoes. I don’t think Bomby can be more than a year and a half old. He is very, very thin. And he was still growing when
- I think Bono's daughter was in that one.