"A Cheese Puff" is the first part of the non-canon twenty-fifth episode of TPOT by Jacknjellify. It was released on 22 October 1981. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe. During the creation process, this episode was known as "The Chocolate Solder" before it became the title of the episode directly after.
Author's note: This is probably my least favourite episode to date. I wanted to make the scenes with the contestants a little shorter after the full-length movie that TPOT 24 turned out to be... yet I'm obligated to make this one a two-parter just because its episode number ends in "5". So, this episode will be about all the non-still-in contestants. And yet it's still relevant to the plot. Somehow.
What's Two up to now? I don't know, but I'm sure someone will get into trouble. Also, someone or several people might get the chance to join! Are we talking about this show? You'll have to wait and see!
Previous episode: "It Was a Very Good Year"
Next episode: "Chocolate Solder"
Cold open
Two's Party Huis
- Two: [nemini loquens] This isn't creepy. This isn't creepy indeed.
[Beat.]
- Two: If Object Jack Nicholson suddenly shows up, I'm out of here. [Silence.] Oh well! It doesn't hurt toOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—
[The same disco intro plays as in the previous act, even though that kind of disco has gone a bit out of fashion by now.]
- Two: Add more light!
[Two turns on another light and the room is just as lit as it was in the last episode.]
- Two: Hopsasa, that's more like it! And now, my dear contestants will be coming in five! Four! Three! Two! One! Zero! [Beat.] Negative two! Negative two! Negative—okay, this is counterproductive. Always works for the disdain-worthy objects, though.
[Fade to a few minutes later. Two is sitting on the floor, staring at the camera again.]
- Two: Uggggh, this is getting boring!
[A lightbulb suddenly appears above Two.]
- Two: I've got an idea!
- Lightbulb: Ò!
- Two: Lightbulb? Shouldn't you be in the Filing Cabinet?
- Lightbulb: Chiz happens.
[Exit Lightbulb in a manner so nonchalant that even Two is shocked.]
- Two: How about I... phone a friend!
[Two rushes over to the pay phone section of the party house. By now, they have all been covered in dust.]
- Two: Ew, that's, like, totally grody.
[Two blows the dust off one of the phones, coughing a bit.]
- Two: That's better!
[Two presses one number on the phone for a long time. We see who is on the other end of the line: TUB, Two's secret friend whose identity will not be revealed until later. We can see what whoever TUB is, they are sitting behind a large phone box in someone else's car, wearing a balaclava, you know, the kind that robbers wear on television. The ski mask is decorated with colourful triangles, reminiscent of the new wave fashion that has been hitting the streets since around this time.]
- TUB: [high voice] Ye— [medium voice] Um— [imitating a deep voice] Hello.
- Two: Who says "hello" on that planet?
- TUB: I meant, a numberly greeting to you, Two!
- Two: Hi... er... what do you want me to call you?
- TUB: "The Unusual Being".
- Two: Why don't I just call you "TUB"? If I can successfully turn "Rubber Spatula" into some obscure name from Goikyan Sicily, I can guarantee you'll be happy to bear the same name as a top-class bathing container.
- TUB: A "TUB". That works too. Anyway, why have you called me?
- Two: Let me answer your question with another question: Why aren't you here yet?
[Two's yelling voice echoes throughout the room. They look around, somewhat afraid.]
- TUB: Because I'm still stuck in traffic. Driving to Earth is much more difficult these days, on account of all those—
- Two: Objects.
- TUB: [very deep voice] Objects.
- Two: You know, you don't need to disguise your voice.
- TUB: Oh yes, I do. I'm in an Over.
- Two: [slurps inwards] Can your driver hear you?
- TUB: No, she doesn't speak.
[TUB waves at Teardrop, who is driving the car. She gives TUB a confused look.]
- Two: That wasn't what I was asking. Anyway, they've got Overs on the Equation Playground?
- TUB: Of course they do. You were there, Two!
- Two: I was cooped up in an office for eight months doing nothing but paperwork; I didn't have time to go out and explore this new hybrid culture. You ought to know that my contestants are a handful, and some of them haven't even got hands!
- TUB: Fascinating. Are they here right now?
- Two: Why do you think I'm calling you, to ask about the weather? I could be sneezing out dead people in the Goikyan Pacific for fun, but instead I'm stuck here waiting for my object subordinates to show up. Do you know how many minutes it's been? Two plus twoOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[Nothing happens.]
- TUB: What's with the sudden change in intonation? You've clearly played the intro once already.
- Two: Well, a second time wouldn't hurt. Heh. Look at me, saying my name again. In ordinal form, mind you.
[The intro plays again, not triggered by the uttering of the word "two" or a homophone thereof.]
Warming up
Balloony's hotel room
- Balloony: Yaaaaaawn!
[Cake, who sleeps in the next bed, wakes up too.]
- Cake: Balloony, that's... that's a bit noisy.
- Balloony: You want to go back to your kip?
- Cake: Nah. [points at the window] The "Sun" is too out.
[Jump cut to a view of the Filing Cabinet, which is still inside a locked room near the hotel lobby. There's no real Sun to speak of.]
- Balloony: Good point. Awright, want to watch me make another video diary?
- Cake: Sure, I'll just be in the background... just like in BFB!
- Balloony: Ha!
- Cake: I don't think that was meant to be funny.
- Balloony: Oof. Sorry.
[He gets his camcorder out and presses the button.]
- Balloony: There it is; there I am! Good morning all, to a brand-new day in the Filing Cabinet. Cake's here and he's ready to provide commentary on whatever it is I'll do today.
- Cake: [waving at the camera] Hi!
[As Balloony talks, his head begins to slowly grow more bulbous.]
- Balloony: So... the foremost thing I want to talk about is the breakfast we get here. Ilk day, some food falls from the ceiling into our rooms a few times. That's why we can only be on the phone at certain times of the day, but that's okay because... for then we can talk to our loved ones.
[Cloudy wakes up.]
- Cloudy: Balloony, are you vlogging again?
- Cake: "Flocking"? What's that?
- Cloudy: A word, I've just made it up.
- Balloony: Mm-hmm, then after breakfast, we watch television. Och. Let me show you. [turns on the TV and finds nothing on the broadcaster that shows TPOT] And there's nothing on. Strange.
- Cloudy: [concerned] Em... Balloony?
- Balloony: Aye?
- Cloudy: Your head, it's growing bigger!
- Balloony: Na, it isnae; I amn't even showing this video to a'body else (under penalty of death)!
- Cloudy: No, your actual head is getting bigger!
- Cake: Its bulbosity!
- Balloony: Och, dinnae make me change the oxygen pressure in here while I'm daein' my video.
- Cloudy: Shall we call room service instead?
- Balloony: I can do it!
[Balloony gets up and enters the bathroom. He fixes the oxygen levels as if it were a thermostat.]
- Cloudy: [from the room] This is such an avant-garde hotel.
- Cake: I know, right?
- Rocky: Bulleh! [vomits]
- Cake: Oh, Rocky.
- Cloudy: Demat. [Subtitles: Breton for "Good morning".]
[Balloony smiles to himself as he listens in on his roommates, and also because the air thingy is fixed. His head is back to normal. He exits the bathroom.]
- Balloony: Okay, guys, the air is fixed and I can get back to my— [opens his eyes to see that Cake, Cloudy and Rocky have disappeared] Chuz.
Two's Party Huis
- Two: I'm sorry; I just want to host the competition again.
- TUB: But you will! I believe you're a good host.
- Two: Sure, but your not being here is making things much worse!
- TUB: Aw, that's really sweet. Hey, while I've got you all talking nicely and stuff, can you help me with something?
- Two: Nope!
[Two hangs up and stares at the camera.]
- Two: Good talk.
Balloony's room
- Balloony: Oh no, they're all gone! And this is definitely not a surprise trip to the food court, for I would ken! Oh, whit tae dae, whit tae dae...
[A lightbulb appears above Balloony's head.]
- Lightbulb: There I am!
- Balloony: Em, could you please not be here right now? I'm kind of freaking out.
- Lightbulb: Okay!
[Lightbulb tries to open the door but can't.]
- Lightbulb: It's stuck!
- Balloony: Here, let me have a go.
[Balloony tries to open the door too, but he can't.]
- C.V.: Doors are temporarily locked.
- Balloony: Naw, wait! I've another idea!
[Balloony picks up the phone and calls a very long number.]
- Lightbulb: Who are you calling?
- Balloony: A friend from another land.
- Lightbulb: O... kay.
[Exit Lightbulb to the bathroom.]
- Balloony: Please work, you.
[The phone connects to the other end. We see through a split screen that he is talking to Nickel, who is talking on a pay phone on the beach at night.]
- Nickel: Hello?
- Balloony: Nickel, hullo!
- Nickel: Balloony! How are y'all doing in the Filing Cabinet?
- Balloony: Em... 'tis pretty quiet here. Ye aren't missing much.
- Nickel: Well, that's nice. It's the end of summer and Millie and Ha go back to college tomorrow, so Dad's taking us to the beach. I bet Cake would love it!
- Balloony: Sure he would! [Aside.] Oh, crap, I can't tell him that Cake, Cloudy and Rocky have gone AWOL!
- Nickel: Who's gone AWOL?
- Balloony: Errrrrr...
- Nickel: You know I can hear you, right? Where is everyone?
- Balloony: Em, at the Fridge. Aye, we were hungry here, so now Cloudy has to go down to the eating area and get our breakfast, heh.
- Nickel: Sounds legit as ever.
- Balloony: So how are you doing?
- Nickel: Not bad! You'll never believe this, but... [whispers] I've got a girlfriend.
- Balloony: Braw! I take it you're not hung up about the whole Naily thing any more, are you?
- Nickel: Tsst, hung up... Naily. Yeah, I'm fine, really. If Naily can have David, I can have Carlene. It is what it is.
[Enter Carlene, who is a very small car about the same size as Nickel.]
- Nickel: Hey, Car, I was just talking about you! [foots her over the phone]
- Balloony: Hullo!
- Carlene: Hello. [Aside, to Nickel.] Who is this?
- Nickel: That's Balloony. My show-dad, remember?
- Carlene: Oh! It's a pleasure to meet you.
- Balloony: Happy end o' summer!
- Carlene: Yeah. [to Nickel] Your dad wants me to tell you you got five minutes left and then you're going home.
- Nickel: Aw, seriously? I mean... cool. Tell him I'll be right there.
- Carlene: Okay. [Beat.] Wait, are you talking on a phone... that's not yours?
- Nickel: Yeah.
- Carlene: I can't be seen out here with a thief! [throws her hands up] We're through!
[Exit Carlene melodramatically.]
- Balloony: So, Nickel... you say you have a girlfriend?
- Nickel: I had one.
[Balloony raises his eyebrow, confused.]
- Balloony: I'd better go now, Nicholas. I must find C, C and R before I become even more worried.
- Nickel: You're reviving C-reed-fence Clean-water Revival?
- Balloony: No, not that. Listen, I'll talk with you later.
- Nickel: Alright, bye!
- Balloony: Bye now!
[Balloony hangs up and breathes a sigh of relief.]
Two's Party Huis
- Two: To think that over two hundred days ago this place was packed and full of music and dancing objects. [Pause.] I'm starting to miss them all. Oh, I know what to do!
[Two brings out a music player. They put headphones in their ears and press play as a song very similar to "Video Killed the Radio Star" can be heard.]
- Two: So this is what the humans play on Empty TV. [Beat.] Very weird, but not as weird as me! A-wheedy-waddy-toodle-poodle-hortle-snortle-hoh! In fact, I'm going to sing these very intricate lyrics my way! Yeah!
[Two begins to sing and jump on the empty stage all gleefully.]
Vocalist(s): Two
Two: ♫ Dance. Dance! Dance? Dance;
Dance- Dance— Dance… Dance“
Dance: Dance; Dance¡ Dance¿
Dance’ Dance* Dance_ Dance#
Dance‽ Dance« Dance» Dance(
Dance§ Dance‡ Dance¶ Dance©
Dance◊ Dance±Dance⁀ Dance‰
Dance☞ Dance⌀ Dance∴ Dance❧ ♫
Balloony's room
- Balloony: [to himself] Oh gosh, whom do I call now that there's an emergency? [Beat.] Oh. The police. Not just a band, I think.
[Balloony picks up the phone, but breakfast falls on the desk again.]
- Balloony: Och, not again! Okay, I shall eat and then I'll call them.
[Fade to Balloony having eaten his breakfast.]
- Balloony: Burritos. Nice touch. And now to call the ecilop. [picks up the phone] Hullo, police?
[View of the outside of the Filing Cabinet.[1]]
Two's Party Huis
- Two: This... this is actually not half bad. I think I'm going to... I'm going to...
[Pause, as though the invisible audience are telling them not to sneeze out dead people.]
- Two: That's right!
[Sternuit duos cylindros receptatorum.]
- Two: You're ♫ he-ere! ♫
- Voice: [muffled] I know!
[The first recovery cylinder breaks, revealing someone we have not seen before: Hotel Bell. Two gasps.]
- Two: Hotel Bell? Is it really you?
- Hotel Bell: I- I guess it is. [looks around] Where am I?
- Two: You're in my Party Huis!
- Hotel Bell: Oh, so you've exchanged your hotel for a party house.
- Two: [correcting her] Party Huis.
- Hotel Bell: Hey, when are we? I feel like I've been watching dead people come and go for the last six years!
- Two: Oh... well...
- Hotel Bell: It's been six years; hasn't it? [Two nods.] Come on, Hop Bell, we're out of here.
[The cylinder begins to roll on the floor, and it exits the scene (with Hop Bell inside) along with Hotel Bell.]
- Hotel Bell: [as she leaves] Is Bell still in?
- Two: No, she got eliminated fourteen episodes ago. That's seven times... TWOOOOOOOOOOO!
[Hotel Bell grumbles to herself as she exits. Two puts their headphones back on. Before Hotel Bell is completely out of the picture, she says this.]
- Hotel Bell: Oh, by the way, the police are here.
- Two: What? I can't hear you!
[Exit.]
- Two: It gives me such a sense of divertissement to have a dance in such an environment that I almost begin to forget the essential question of being: Where am I?
Conference Room
- Cake: Where am I?
[Zoom out to see the nineteen other eliminated contestants. They are sitting around an extremely clean, techno-ish table and are just as confused.]
On fire
Two's Party Huis
- Two: La! La! La, la, la! La! La! La, la, la!
- U.S. Dollar: Steady on, citizen! [Subtitles: "Tilípo, rósthesta!"]
[Two doesn't listen. USD claps his hands twice to get Two's attention, and they stop at that.]
- Two: Ah! Invader!
[Two uses their powers to fling USD out of the room. Two smiles smugly at the camera before he crawls back about three minutes later. Yep, there were three minutes of actual silence before any action happened.]
- Two: Wha? You're not meant to be here!
- U.S. Dollar: [speaking in reverse] Actually, I am. [shows his badge] Two, you are under arrest for 2,763 counts of torture. Also kidnapping. [Subtitles: "Yípogaa sispíe. Onrístinisava esrígotika tris taxíne essikótaep desálihi odí ya sitikrá pói steí, Odí. Meí, tatikótimaprag stin."]
- Two: What?
- U.S. Dollar: Please come with me. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to have an attorney present during questioning and at trial. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. [Subtitles: "Thída sas tha, osixúrepli nané teserópli na teríbo den áne. Kidí sti ke siskriána tis akiárdi ti táka rónpa rogókidi teheé na maiókadi to teheé. Oristíkadi se sass ontínane ítheipomosihri na ríbo telé tepodítio. Lóspiosi nismírapa na maiókadi to hise. Mu zíma laé lókarapa se."]
- Two: This isn't Goikyan Yugoslavia!
- U.S. Dollar: Please comply. Today, you are going to the police station. [Subtitles: "Matmí kóminostia sto pas tha, ramesí. Tethífomorsim lókarapa."]
- Two: Wait, wait, wait! Can't I say goodbye to my Party Huis first?
- U.S. Dollar: [sigh] Fine. But make it quick. [Subtitles: "Ragogrí mosó to neká. Mostipró."]
[USD covers his eyes as Two opens every door and says goodbye to whatever is in it.]
- Two: Goodbye, broom closet. Goodbye, secret compartment where I keep archived copies of the game rules. Goodbye, Lightning and Snowball! [Beat.] Lightning and Snowball?
[He opens the door further, revealing Lightning and Snowball cuddling in a bed together.]
- Two: You shouldn't be here! You should be in your own countries, ditching me like every other contestant!
- Snowball: Shut up! Me he LOVE!
- Lightning: Aye, surely.
- U.S. Dollar: That's enough, Two. [Subtitles: "Odí, kíar."]
- Two: Ubububuh! Ubububuh!
[Exeunt Two and Officer Dollar.]
- Two: [off-screen] Ubububuh!
- Lightning: This random humour isn't for me.
- Snowball: Shut up and kiss me, Lightning!
- Lightning: Eight months straight, frick!
[Lightning closes the door.]