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"It Was a Very Good Year" is the non-canon twenty-fourth episode of TPOT by Jacknjellify. It was released on 6 March 1981. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe. This episode was previously known by two titles based on the lyrics of a song heard in it: "May We All Have Our Host, BFDI" and "If We Don't, We Might Well Lose BFDI".

Author's notes

Author's note: I've been going through the old BFDI season 1 videos and nearly all of them have a cool description underneath them! For example, the one for BFDI 22 is just "Yeah!". It'd be pretty cool if Fake TPOT had those descriptions too, and that's actually something on which Real TPOT has picked up.

TPOT must be important, regardless of who writes it: The fake version is one of the biggest projects me have ever done too!

And so, I will introduce Fake TPOT descriptions for the rest of the series. Here's the first one:

Description if this were on YouTube:

Blimey, the first two thirds are a clip show and the final third, a New Year’s special in March, is just untimely! Well, there’s still something to celebrate here: after all, it's finally 1981, when the seventies influence on pretty much everything is getting smaller by the day, and a new era rushes in to fill the void. But will the contestants take this change well? Find out on this totally brand-new episode of The Power of Two!

Also, we've reached the halfway point in the series! As befits such points, things are going to change a little around here. See you on the other side!

Author's note #2: This is a rather dark episode, the first part in particular.[1] Maybe I should clarify that it's meant for more mature readers rather than the usual audience I get for this series... Okay, now that I'm writing this, it sounds like it will be the scariest episode ever, like those angsty BFDI fics on Wattpad. Or My Immortal. It's not that bad, really. There'll be a bit more innuendo than usual, but I won't say the "S" word outright. (Because objects can't have... that word I'm talking about.)

Author's note #3: Because of the slight angst in this, I'm writing the clip-show scenes in a "semi-humanized" style. This means that some of the descriptions will refer to the objects as if they were humans (think of it as "in the human world..."), but they're still nominally objects.[2] The beauty of this is that you can choose to imagine them as humans if you want, or you can imagine them as objects; any references to their forms in our universe will be prefaced by "in humanaho".[3]

Previous episode: "Alphabet Two-p"

Cake at Stake supercuts[]

[The episode opens with a black background and the dramatic sound of a mallet hitting the large head of a solo timpani drum. White text appears on the screen indicating the month in which each mini-scene takes place, similar to at the beginning of BFDIA 5d. Indeed, this episode will be a little different. The scene templates I usually use will no longer contain the location but the time, and the location is indicated by a plain header enclosed by four equal signs.]

November 1969 (BFB 2)[]

Outside world[]

  • Four: Get into your teams, people!

[The platforms under the iance members suddenly appear. In humanaho, most of the contestants look much younger and, to say, more clean cut than they do now—it's only the tail end of the sixties here. Pencil and Match, now our resident EXITers, don't look that different.]

  • Ruby: Aaaaaaah!
  • Four: iance, you lost last time, so you do the Cake at Stake. We received 9,983 votes. The—

[Donut interrupts Four and X in a rage. In humanaho, he's wearing a suit and doesn't have a moustache.]

  • Donut: Waaaaaaaaaaait! Voters! If your comments look like any of these...

[A bunch of incorrect comments appear above Donut. X and Four stand next to him; they do not look happy.]

  • Donut: We did not count your vote! Be more careful!
  • X: You're on the other team!
  • Donut: No. [a platform springs up, sending Donut flying] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

[Donut flies past this episode's recommended characters, still screaming. He lands next to the first piece of unseen footage in this TPOT episode, that which involves Pen, Eraser and Blocky, who are on their way over to the Cake at Stake area to watch. In humanaho, they too look younger and "squarer"—the three guys are dressed more formally here than a few years later. Pen even wears a bowtie, and his hair is shorter—it is not yet permed as in TPOT.]

  • Blocky: Ready to do our thing?
  • Pen: What thing?
  • Eraser: We're going to dress like birds and sing about sombreros. /s We're going to rub in iance's faces how much better we are than them, Pen!
  • Blocky: The three of us, we're awesome!
  • Eraser: And unified. Can't forget the unified.
  • Blocky: Frick yeah!
  • Pen: For sure, but... to be honest, I just want to cheer her on.

[He points at Pencil, who is sitting on the platform with an angry expression.]

  • Blocky: Rase, don't tell me he's still—
  • Eraser: Yes. Yes, he is. Pen, leave her alone.
  • Pen: But she's my girlf—
  • Eraser: Dude, you can't say that word here!
  • Pen: Why not? Four can't hear me!
  • Eraser: It's not that!
  • Blocky: You know your brother better than anyone, Pete. What does he always say?
  • Pen: [rolls his eyes] "Ships should not exist."
  • [ Pen · Eraser ]: "It should be strictly physical."
  • Eraser: Yeah, boii.
  • Pen: Oh yeah? Well, what if Match gets eliminated? Who are you going to get physical with then, eh?

[Eraser points to the Cake at Stake place.]

  • Four: Now it's down to Fanny, Flower, Match and Pencil. Flower only received 838 votes.
  • Flower: Wow!
  • Eraser: Pen, I swear, if you curse this—
  • Four: Match is safe too, with 1,362 votes.

[Eraser exhales a sigh of relief so quiet that no one else can hear it.]

  • Match: Look, Penc-penc, I'm safe!
  • Pencil: Yeah! Too bad about Fanny, though.
  • X: Actually, Fanny is safe!
  • Blocky: [watching] Ooh, this is getting good.
  • Four: Fanny is safe with 1,731 votes.
  • Match: Wait...
  • Pen: But that means...
  • Four: With 4,595 votes, Pencil is eliminated.

[Dramatic sting. Both Pencil and Pen's mouths are open in shock.]

  • X: That's the biggest ever! [makes an arrow shape] Oh yeah!
  • Pencil: Quick! Match! Activate the elimination prevention pla—AAAAAAAAAAAA!

[Pencil gets sucked by Four, who smiles and blinks. Meanwhile, Pen still stands in shock.]

  • Pen: She's... gone.
  • Eraser: Bro... you okay? [as tears well up in Pen's eyes] Speak to me! [he gets out a squeaky baseball toy] Fetch, buddy! [squeak squeak]
  • Pen: Nooooohohoooo! [falls to his knees] He just took her away! He took my girl, and he locked her up in who knows where, and I'm never gonna see her again! Oohhhh, maledetto! Brutto numero, spero che tu esca da questo mondo e ritorni nello spazio!
  • Blocky: Whoa. Where'd that come from?
  • Eraser: Toronto.
  • Pen: [still crying] Why, why can't he take me instead? Why did it have to be Pencil? And why isn't anyone looking at me?
  • Blocky: You really want anyone to look at you like this?
  • Eraser: Yeah, and everyone's still shocked that Four can suck someone up like that... Heh heh. [very deep voice] Vore.
  • Blocky: Come on, Pete, we'd better get you out of here.

[Blocky and Eraser grab Pen by the arms and drag him away.]

  • Pen: B- but—
  • Eraser: Take it from those three.

[Eraser raises his eyebrows at the Cake at Stake place. Camera pan to Match, Bubble and Ruby, who are emphatically not crying.[4]]

  • Match: Like, what do we do when Pencil gets eliminated?
  • Bubble: I don't remember. Wait, alright!

[Meanwhile, Eraser and Blocky set Pen down, far from the other contestants.]

  • Blocky: [slaps the back of Pen's head] Get a grip, man!
  • Eraser: You're making a fool of yourself.
  • Pen: But, but we've been going steady, and—
  • Eraser: Pen. You haven't spoken to Pencil in months. That means you're basically separated.
  • Pen: Only 'cause she's changed, and she's mean now for some reason.
  • Eraser: Right. And who wants a life partner like that?
  • Blocky: Masochists? [Eraser elbows him]
  • Pen: What if she's mean to everyone else, but she's saving her niceness for me? I'm a good guy!
  • Blocky: Can I say something? [Pen nods] Just bag it. There's lots of good fish in the sea.
  • Eraser: He's right, you know. And you're good at letting go. Remember when Ma died? I must have been a mess for years, but you, you went "bada-bing-bada-boom" and... [snaps his fingers] everything was good again.
  • Pen: Hey, you're right.
  • Eraser: See? You don't need to be with Pencil.

[Liy walks by, eating quinoa. Pen watches her—in humanaho, she looks almost exactly the same as she does in the TPOT EXIT scenes, except her long, hippie-ish blonde hair is in braids. (How Swedish.)]

  • Pen: Yeah... I don't need to be with Penc.
  • Blocky: Hey, me and Eraser are going over to Four. Something tells me Stapy's going to start something up.
  • Eraser: You coming?
  • Pen: Nah, I think I'll stay here.
  • Eraser: Suit yourself, dude.

[Exeunt Blocky and Eraser. Pen reclines on the grass, where he suddenly acquires a New York accent.]

  • Pen: Eyy, Liy!
  • Liy: What is it?
  • Pen: Ya doin' anythin' tonight? [Aside.] Boy, that sounded terribly fake.

EXIT[]

[The first view of the EXIT from any contestant: A newly renovated classroom, practically empty and silent except for the ghostly sound of students anticipating their arrival one day. Enter Pencil, who looks around curiously.]

  • Pencil: Hello? Is anyone here? [Silence.] Hmm... [reading a sign on the front desk] "Take this."

[She looks closer. It is an algebra assignment.]

  • Pencil: Maths, seriously? No way; that's so ten years ago.

[She is about to walk towards a desk in the back of the room.]

  • Assignment: Take me.
  • Pencil: Ah, okay! Cheese and rice!

[Pencil grabs the paper and heads to her desk.]

  • Pencil: You like that, stupid paper? [Silence.] Okay. [reading the paper] "Name"? I'm the only one in the bloody room! [continues] "Repeat this oath of loyalty to Four: ‘Four is love, Four is life’"? [looks around] Omg, that sounded terribly fake. Maybe I need an audience.

[Pencil takes out her wallet from what TVTropes calls the "Hammerspace" and puts three small pictures on her desk. The first one is an old black-and-white family photo from the 1950s, when she was younger.]

  • Pencil: Mum, Dad, Nels, Needy... [flinches, but nothing happens] Can't hear me in here. Figures. [Next is a BFDIA-era photo of FreeSmart having fun, covered in glitter.] Alliance? Eh, they got my bad side, anyway. [The last picture looks like it was taken in a photo booth: It shows Pencil giving Pen a kiss on the cheek—in humanaho, this was when he always wore a fedora. A heart and the words "Summer '65" are written on it in blue ink.] Pen, Pen...

[Pencil quickly looks around the room. She speaks hastily.]

  • Pencil: Four is love, Four is life. Got that, whatever you are?
  • Four: [as the room, which rumbles at the sound of his voice] YES.

Death P.A.C.T.'s cabin[]

[Early morning. Inside a cabin that looks a bit like the DPA Cabin from before TPOT 10. Liy is waking up in the top bunk.]

  • Liy: [still with her eyes closed] Ohhh, that was some night there, Pen... Fan, you can flip my switch all you want, ink machine...[5]

[She opens her eyes and finds that she's alone.]

  • Liy: Wh- what in Helvetica?! Where'd he go?

[She sees a note on the other side of the bed. She picks it up and reads it aloud. Because of the writer's penmanship, it looks as if it has been typed.]

  • Liy: "Dear Liy, I'm really sorry. I can't be your boyfriend anymore. Last night was one of the greatest nights I've had in a long time, but I felt something was missing. That's why I moved on to Remote. Please don't be upset with me. You're a really swell gal and awfully pretty too, though not as pretty as me. Can we still be buddies? ♡ Pen" Boyfriend, my... frick!

[She tears up the note and looks at the bunk directly facing her. There she sees Pen in the same bed as Remote, laughing and watching the televised bowling tournament with her. In humanaho, his shirt is off... but he is wearing a bowtie.]

  • Liy: Really, guys, right in front of me? [Silence—they're having too much fun to hear her.] Remote, don't be surprised if he dumps you with a "WooHoo, thank you fru"! I've got the proof, and it's me! [Silence.] He wasn't even that good anyway! He's boring, serviceable at best! 2.763 out of 10, wouldn't try again!

November 1969 (BFB 3)[]

Outside world[]

  • Four: Roboty is safe with a measly number of votes.

[Four throws an earth at Roboty and he goes back to his uncrushed state.]

  • Leafy: Oh no, David! Now it's just the two of us! Well, although our time on this team together was short, I appreciated every second of it!
  • David: Aw, seriously?
  • Four: Out of David and Leafy...

[The graph shows who got the most votes.]

  • Four: David is safe.
  • David: Aw, seriously?
  • Balloony: I'm happy. No more jobs!
  • Cloudy: Collect that leaf! Collect that leaf!
  • Leafy: You guys were honestly a fantastic team, and I'll miss all of you—AAAAAAAAAA!

[Leafy and her voice fade into nothingness as she gets sucked into Four. Firey does the mouth thing, in which he frowns extremely subtly.]

  • Coiny: Firey? Are you okay?
  • Firey: [happy] Yorp! [Aside.] Norp!
  • Coiny: Well, if you want to talk about it, I'll be he—
  • Firey: What's a Leafy?
  • Firey Jr.: [standing next to Firey, unnoticed] Well... this is awkward.

[Meanwhile.]

  • Nickel: Oh no, guys! With Leafy gone, what will we do on our own?
  • Balloony: You cannae believe that Leafy was a good addition to our team, can you?
  • Nickel: I don't know, maybe? It's just that she brought order. You can't deny that we ain't exactly the strongest people here.
  • Balloony: What're you talking about, laddie? We're pure tough! Dinnae forgoat this bloke played rugby for nearly five years!
  • Nickel: Rugby, is that like football?
  • Balloony: Never mind.
  • Cloudy: I think what Balloony means is that that's very negative thinking, Nickel.
  • Woody: Wah-wah.
  • Cloudy: We can be independent!
  • Balloony: Aye, and that's why Cloudy and I are proud to announce that we're off to be this team's new gaffers.
  • Nickel: Why you two?
  • Cloudy: Well, Balloony and I are the oldest, and we got the fewest votes today. That means security.
  • Balloony: All that and we're not Leafy.
  • Nickel: Yeah, that's true, but...
  • Balloony: Nicholas, you wouldn't like to take care of David a' by yerself, would ye?

[Nickel gasps in horror and then sighs.]

  • Nickel: No, sir. Okay, y'all can be the dads.
  • Balloony: Ta. Wait... dads?
  • Nickel: Yeah, like fathers. You do know two guys can raise a family, right?
  • Balloony: Of course, I'm fae Goikyan Scotland.
  • Cloudy: Well, I like the sound of that.
  • Balloony: I do too. We're dads now.

[Balloony and Cloudy smile at each other affectionately.]

  • Nickel: So... what's our first order of business?
  • Balloony: Em...
  • Woody: Wah-wah!
  • Nickel: We need to think smart. I think Four's going to start the contest soon.
  • David: Aw, seriously?
  • Woody: Wah-wah!
  • Balloony: Alright, foremaist, let's think about what each of us can do for the contest.
  • Woody: Wah-wah!
  • Balloony: Och. But first we should give Woody water.
  • Cloudy: I'm on it!

[Cloudy gives Woody a water bottle from his collection.]

  • Cloudy: Drink up, Woody, you need to be hydrated.
  • Woody: Yuh, yeah!
  • Roboty: -.-- .- -.-- / - . .- -- -- .- - . ...
  • Nickel: I can see this team being one of two things.
  • Balloony: What's that?
  • Nickel: A complete failure... or a loving family.
  • Cloudy: Why not both?
  • Balloony: Group hug, a'body!

[All embrace.]

  • Rocky: Bul-leh! [vomits on Nickel]

December 1969 (BFB 4)[]

Outside world[]

  • Four: Uhruhruhurhurhurhurh!
  • ?: Translated.
  • X: It's down to Bracelety and Gelatin!

[Dramatic pause as Four does the floss dance.]

  • Donut: [vomit-affected voice] Hurry up and tell us whose sa— Oh. I hate my new voice!
  • X: Gelatin survives! [crabs a vomit cake]
  • Gelatin: Aw. Yeah. I promise not to throw any more forks, people.
  • X: Bracelety's out.
  • Firey Jr.: Hold on. Her name's not Ringy?
  • Fries: Who would have guessed?
  • Bracelety: Wait! Ice Cube's chances of winning just increased! Oh yeah! [slowly gets consumed by Four and speaks very quickly] Go, Ice Cube! Yay! Ice Cube, you're my idol! I love you! Hooray! I'm so happy! I seriously hope you win! You got this Ice Cube! You're gonna win this!

[Bracelety is eaten.]

  • Gaty: Wow. Bracelety went out strong. It's clear—
  • [ Gaty · Pillow ]: She didn't care—
  • Gaty: About what others thought of her.

[Ice Cube does the same mouth thing, except she very slightly frowns.]

  • Book: Icy, you've been staring at the Cake at Stake place for quite a while. Are you depressed?
  • Ice Cube: Wha?
  • Gaty: Book, Ice Cube would not be depressed just because of that. There's a real clinical condition that—
  • Book: Oh, well.
  • Lollipop: Our portal to the domestic world is right. But Ice Cube, are you really sad about this elimination thing?
  • Ice Cube: Hmmph!

[Ice Cube walks away from everyone.]

  • Book: I think she is.
  • Saw: Shouldn't you talk it over with her? You are best friends, last time I checked.
  • Book: I know, but when Ice Cube needs alone time, she really needs it.
  • Lollipop: How introverted. I hope never to be one of those frightening people. [the rest of the team look at her, for they too are introverts] No offence to you. But this woman is fine the way she is.
  • Gaty: Lollipop, Dora is a woman. You are a sphere on top of a cylinder.
  • Lollipop: While that is also true, my main point is that we've got to remember that we are all friends here. United we stand or some chiz like that...
  • Gaty: Or at least we're supposed to be friends, if it weren't for that tiny little stain among us.
  • Saw: Aw, what's that?
  • Dora: Dadadada! [Subtitles: "Taco".]

[Everyone groans.]

EXIT[]

[In the EXIT, Pencil and Leafy are working on a paper. Leafy is very happy, while Pencil is annoyed.]

  • Leafy: Don't you just love writing Four-related fanfiction?
  • Pencil: I'm writing smut.
  • Leafy: Ooh, what does that mean? Is it Biblical?
  • Pencil: Er... [pretends to smile] You wouldn't like it.
  • Leafy: Well, in this challenge, my creative powers can shine like the stars I believe they are!
  • Pencil: Hell if it's a challenge; right now I feel like I'm being tortured. Look here. [shows Leafy her story] The fit, beautiful and voluptuous main character, Prisma, has just been torn away from all her friends and her gorgeous boyfriend, Biron, and she'll never see them again.
  • Leafy: That's so sad!
  • Pencil: I've got to start writing the part she runs into Biron before my eyes look like the Great Flood of '68.
  • Leafy: But why are you writing this if it makes you cry?
  • Pencil: It's therapeutic.
  • Leafy: Pencil, you've just got to look at it differently. I do not expect us to leave any time soon, so what you need to do is put on a happy face and have fun! Wee-hoo!
  • Pencil: Easy for you to say; you're finished!
  • Leafy: Yeah! Math! Math! Math! Math, po-wer!
  • Pencil: This has got nothing to do with maths!

[Enter Bracelety.]

  • Bracelety: Um... hello?
  • Leafy: Bracelety! Welcome to the EXIT!
  • Bracelety: Is Ice Cube in here?
  • Leafy: Unfortunately, no. But only unfortunately for you, because she's still in the challenge, I assume.
  • Bracelety: Yeah, Ice Cube FTW!
  • Pencil: Oh my Spongy.
  • Bracelety: Hi, Pencil!
  • Pencil: Bracelety. Hola.
  • Bracelety: So what do we do here?
  • Pencil: Mostly algebra worksheets and Four idolatry.
  • Bracelety: But I can't idolatrize anyone! Anyone except Ice Cube!
  • Leafy: Yeah, and I've got my own religion, so... my values are conflicting. Still, it doesn't stop me from having fun with math!
  • Bracelety: Intellectualosity, boo-yah!
  • [ Bracelety · Leafy ]: Math! Math! Math! Math, po-wer!

[In humanaho, they bump butts like in Sam and Cat.]

  • Pencil: We'll be in here forever.

December 1969 (BFB 5)[]

Outside world[]

  • Pie: "Put down this fortune and listen to Liy. She's speaking now."
  • Liy: Well, I've heard your message, and I've heard it loud and clear: You guys obviously don't want me here! Remote, how many lives has this team saved?
  • Remote: 2,763.
  • Liy: And how many am I responsible for?
  • Remote: 2,753.
  • Liy: Exactly. [as pictures of the good parts of her past show up] When I joined this team, I thought I could put my traumatic killing past behind me. So many of my hours and so much of my willpower were spent on saving instead of murdering! I thought you guys would support me! But I guess you won't! And if you won't... [in a rage] Then what's the point in restraining myself?
  • Tree: Liy, no!

[Liy flips her switch.]

  • Pen: [off-screen] Meh, she's done that before.

[Liy presses herself even further, revealing a brown lightswitch behind her usual surface.]

  • Pen: What the flip?!

[Liy flips the switch on her new face.]

  • Tree: Four, I don't like that. Could you suck her up?

[This new Liy is sucked up into Four.]

  • Black Hole: That was terrifying, and I've seen chiz.
  • Remote: No one in this world has ever been angrier than Liy was just a few seconds ago.
  • Pie: Does anybody even remember what Liy was a switch for?
  • Black Hole: I thought she was just a lightswitch.
  • Pillow: According to my research, she does a lot more than that.
  • Pie: Whatever.

[Pen starts to giggle a bit. Tree notices and pulls him aside.]

  • Tree: Pen, our teammate and friend has just outed herself as a murderer. How can you be happy?
  • Pen: 'Cause Liy really can do more than just that.
  • Tree: Don't tell me you're talking about... you know...
  • Pen: Mm-hmm. [raises his eyebrows] I can't believe I was in bed with a cause of death. It's so cool! I feel like the bad boy in a James Wand movie.
  • Tree: You don't mean to say you watch those spy films, do you?
  • Pen: You kidding? I love them! [does the finger guns gesture]
  • Tree: Yes! Finally something we have in common.
  • Pen: What do you mean? We're both tall, fine-looking chaps who swear allegiance to the Queen. That makes us twins, y'know.
  • Tree: You- you think I look fine? [blushes and looks away] Suppose I regret asking you for this a little less now. [Pause.] I- I don't know how to say it, though.
  • Pen: Come on, buddy. Talk to me. [smiles]
  • Tree: Ooh boy... I want to do the same thing with you that you've been doing with half the girls in our team.

[Pen thinks for a little.]

  • Pen: You mean, say, watch televised bowling?

[Tree nods.]

  • Pen: Sure, I'd love that!
  • Tree: Really?
  • Pen: Why not? It could be fun!
  • Tree: Even though I'm a guy?
  • Pen: What's wrong with that? I mean, I've never watched bowling with a fella before, but I came close once. Why, when I played baseball—
  • Tree: [getting jealous] Erkay, okay, Pen, you get around; I get it. Just... you, me, behind the cabin, 11:54, tomorrow night.
  • Pen: But won't we miss the New Year's special?
  • Tree: You'll start the decade screaming either way.[6] Will you do it, please?
  • Pen: Gee, you sound eager.
  • Tree: You have no idea. [crosses his arms] Oh, and one more thing? I want to have a second date, a proper one. I'm not the type for a "pump and dump". Or any other financial scam, for that matter.[7]
  • Pen: But what about Pencil? And your wife?
  • Tree: I can't speak for your eliminated ex, but Mona's last wish was for me and the kids to be happy. [holds onto him] And I think we'll be very happy together. Maybe even gay![8]
  • Pen: I'll say.
  • Tree: Don't forget now: 11:54. Be there, Schreiber.
  • Pen: I wouldn't miss it for the world, Leigh! [gives him a thumbs-up]

[Tree accidentally bumps into Cloudy's collection as he walks backwards.]

  • Cloudy: [off-screen] Hey!
  • Tree: Oof, that hurt.

EXIT[]

  • Pencil: And she was like "eh" and I was like "ah" and the Prime Minister of the galaxy was like "ooh"...

[Huc teleportat Four. They are just as capable of appearing out of nowhere as Two is. Pencil, Leafy and Bracelety look at each other and start chanting.]

  • Bracelety, Leafy, Pencil: [doing a dance] Four is love, Four is life, Four will end eternal strife. If you go where he follows, your life won't be full of sorrows.
  • Four: You know you don't have to say that every time I walk into the room.
  • Bracelety: But you didn't walk! You tele-pa-ported!
  • Pencil: Into our hearts!
  • Four: Butter me up all you want; I'm not giving you extra time on your test.
  • Pencil: Damn it.
  • Four: Bracelety, Pencil and Leafy, please welcome your new classmate!

[Four opens the door. Enter Liy, still in her creepy switch mode. She stumbles in because she cannot see.]

  • Pencil: What is that thing?
  • Liy: [muffled—her mouth is inside her body] My name is Liy.
  • Pencil: Wait, Liy's here? Finally, someone totally sensible!
  • Bracelety: Aww, am I not sensible, Pencil?
  • Pencil: No, you're only partly sensible.
  • Leafy: While I, on the other hand, am very sensible.
  • Four: Stop saying "sensible"! Enjoy!
  • Liy: Wait, Four, can you switch me the other way? I think I'm stuck.
  • Four: Sure thing!

[Four uses magical powers to change Liy back to the way she was before. Exit Four from the EXIT.]

  • Bracelety: Hey, it's Liy!
  • Liy: Bracelety, Leafy! I've talked to you before, right?
  • Leafy: Yeah, we're practically BFDI BFF's!
  • Liy: And Pencil, you're here, too! Hej.
  • Pencil: "Hay" is for horses.
  • Liy: Oh, puh-lease, you greet people with "hey" all the time, you hypocrite.
  • Pencil: Yeah, my friends... and you ain't one of them.
  • Liy: Fair enough. So how do you greet people you don't like?
  • Pencil: "Get out of my face; I don't feel like talking to you."
  • Liy: Wow, I say the same thing! Well, I think I'll say more than that when I return to the real world.
  • Pencil: You can't go back.
  • Leafy: There's no escaping from the EXIT.
  • Liy: Nonsense.

[She starts scoping the area for an escape route.]

  • Leafy: You're already looking for a way out?
  • Liy: Isn't that the first thing you do when you enter a room?
  • Pencil: Hot damn, I think you're, like, my clone or something.
  • Liy: So we're allies?
  • Pencil: Until you tee me off.

[They shake hands.]

  • Leafy: Ooh, I want to join this alliance too!
  • Bracelety: Yeah, Bracelety too! And also the spirit of Ice Cuuuuuube!
  • Pencil: [awkwardly] Haa... haa... haa...

January 1970 (BFB 6)[]

EXIT[]

[The alarm clock on Four's desk rings.]

  • Pencil: Turn it off!
  • Liy: Pencil, haven't you forgotten? That clock rings whenever we get a new student!
  • Pencil: How would you know that? Don't tell me you were spying!
  • Liy: I was spying.
  • Pencil: Whatever.
  • Bracelety: Omg, omg, omg! It's new contestant time!
  • Leafy: I'm excited for this Cake at Stake too! I don't care at all who gets in here... [Aside.] Firey. [Aloud] Because I know they're going to be awesome!

[Pencil looks up from her paper.]

  • Pencil: What'd you say?
  • Leafy: I did not mention Firey's name.
  • Pencil: No, I mean after that.
  • Leafy: I said, "AWESOME!"
  • Pencil: Ah, that's, that's it! Heh... [puts her head on her desk]
  • Liy: Pencil, are you okay?
  • Leafy: I think she's doing amazing. Good health, trendy silver, nice orange complexion—
  • Pencil: No, no, you've just reminded me a bit of my boyfriend when you said that.
  • Liy: Hold up. Someone as assertive and berating as you has a boyfriend? Get out of here.
  • Pencil: What do you see me as, an eternal spinster? Anyway... I've got to show you something.

[Pencil takes out the picture.]

  • Leafy: Ooh, I want to see!
  • Bracelety: Me too!

[Pencil shows everyone the "Summer of 1965" picture.]

  • Pencil: That's me, and the guy I'm kissing, that's Pen.
  • Leafy: Why does he look so different?
  • Bracelety: This was before the moustache!

[Pencil looks at Bracelety, confused. In humanaho, she would have known exactly what she meant.]

  • Liy: Pin...
  • Pencil: Pen.
  • Liy: Yeah... Isn't he that obnoxious, blue-capped popular boy who never shuts up about his looks?
  • Pencil: Yes, that's the one! Wait... you're acting as if you don't know who he is. You were on the same team as him, Liy!
  • Liy: [feigning ignorance] I was? Gosh, how could I have forgotten that? I had no idea, ha, ha!
  • Pencil: [deadpan] You know something.
  • Liy: Okay, fine! I, Liy, cannot tell a lie. Pencil... Pen and I... we spent the night together.
  • Pencil: What?
  • Liy: And then he left me for someone else.
  • Pencil: What?
  • Liy: But not before we watched the televised bowling tournament.
  • Pencil: WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?
  • Bracelety: Nice scream! But not as loud as my scream for ICE CUBE!

[Pencil gets out of her chair.]

  • Pencil: Liy, I thought I trusted you! I thought we could be friends, but instead you stole my dafty swain!
  • Liy: I never stole anyone! He came up to me!
  • Pencil: Wha...
  • Liy: I heard it all! He was so upset that you were eliminated that he went after the first attractive person he saw that wasn't him... me!
  • Pencil: I think I'm going to cry.
  • Liy: I'm really sorry, Pencil; if I had known you two were still together, I would have said "no" to his cheating captain's quarters.
  • Pencil: Damn right you would. Omg, can this day get any worse?

[All of a sudden, the windows of the EXIT (which are usually a blinding white) turn black. One by one, the classroom lights turn off as well.]

  • Bracelety: Ah!
  • Leafy: Uh... girls? The EXIT's lights are going off.
  • Pencil: What? No. /s

[The last light turns off, leaving the EXITers in pitch darkness. Four has died.]

  • Leafy: And now it's totally dark.
  • Liy: Oh really? I hadn't noticed. /s
  • [ Everyone else · Bracelety ]: [ Help! · Ice Cube! ]

April 1970 (BFB 10)[]

EXIT[]

  • Pencil: Liy—
  • Liy: Shh!
  • Pencil: Why be quiet? We've been in the dark for months! Or at least I think it's months.
  • Bracelety: It feels like years in Ice Cube time!
  • Liy: What if this is just an elaborate screamer prank on the part of Four?
  • Leafy: A screamer prank? That's not nice!
  • Liy: Exactly. I'm not in the mood to be screeched, especially in this darkness... Gee, you never realize how scary the dark is until you're not connected to a source of light.
  • Pencil: I think that's a you problem. [sigh] With our luck, it will be dark here for ages. /s

[The lights slowly begin to turn back on and the dazzling light returns to the windows.]

  • Leafy: And God said, "Let there be light", and then there was light! Hallelujah!
  • Bracelety: And Icy said, "GTFO, darkness!", and then there was more light! Yaaaaay! Thank you, Ice Cube!
  • Leafy: See, girls? We have our faith to fall back on when things go wrong.

[She turns around to see that Liy and Pencil have been standing in the same positions as they were months ago.]

  • Leafy: You're still standing like that?
  • Pencil: I can't... move. And it's not because I'm scared; it's because I've no clue what to do right now.
  • Liy: Yeah, what were we doing?
  • Bracelety: Talking about Pencil's boyfriend being a good-for-nothing playboy.
  • Pencil: Oh yeah. Well, I know what I'm doing.

[She returns to her seat and takes out her paper.]

  • Pencil: I'm going to finish my story.
  • Leafy: You haven't turned in that assignment yet?
  • Pencil: Frick, I don't need that number to read my chiz. This story is based on my own life. Yeah, Prisma's going to kill Biron in his sleep.
  • Liy: Not without a friend.
  • Pencil: What?
  • Liy: Pencil, write me in. I want to be Lys, she who throws Biron's body into the bin.
  • Pencil: You really want to do that to him?
  • Liy: I don't believe Lys was ever in Death P.A.C.T., was she?
  • Pencil: Okay! [sighs] Boyfriends suck.

Outside world[]

[Pen and Tree are sitting next to each other on a bench. They look away from each other, quite angrily and with folded arms. Tree is inside Bottle, who smiles obliviously—in humanaho, she is merely attached to him because of superglue or something. Pen is throwing a ball from the previous episode up and down.]

  • Tree: Boyfriends suck.
  • Pen: Roger that.
  • Tree: Maybe when I'm out of here. Until then, I'm not talking to you.
  • Bottle: And Tree and Pen's relationship is dead!

EXIT[]

  • Pencil: You know, this reminds me of something.
  • Leafy: What's that, Pencil?
  • Pencil: We're all girls, we're in a classroom together, we're talking about the awful things boys do... I feel like I'm a part of Princess Ida again.
  • Bracelety: You were a princess?
  • Pencil: No, Princess Ida is an opera. The main character (she's the one that's called Princess Ida), she runs a university for girls which no man can enter. And it turns out they get a lot done when their castle is invaded!
  • Bracelety: Are there ice cubes in it?
  • Pencil: Don't know. I'll have to check the script.

[Pencil gets a book out from the Hammerspace.]

  • Liy: So you carry the script of an opera you've never mentioned before.
  • Pencil: And sheet music.
  • Liy: But... why?
  • Pencil: It's a little souvenir from the company I played in after BFDIA ended. Dumb bastard played my love interest, Cyril... See how that turned out, eh?
  • Leafy: Hey, since Four's probably not coming back for a while, why don't we sing a song?
  • Liy: You see life as a great big West End musical, don't you, Leafy?
  • Leafy: No! It's a Broadway musical.
  • Pencil: [flipping to the page] A-ha! Here it is!
  • Liy: Seriously?

[Orchestral music begins to play. To Gilbert and Sullivan aficionados, it should be familiar: They are going to sing the opening song from Princess Ida's second act: "Towards the Empyrean Heights".]

  • Bracelety: Huh? Where's that music coming from?
  • Leafy: My lovely head.
  • Pencil: Come on, let's sing it!

[The four EXITers gather round the sheet music and begin to sing to the backing track. Pencil cues them.]

Song: "Towards the Empyrean Heights": Pencil (as Lady Psyche), Leafy (as Melissa), Bracelety (as Sacharissa) and Liy (who dislikes singing but does it anyway)

All four: ♫ Towards the empyrean heights
Of ev'ry kind of lore,
We've taken several easy flights,
And mean to take some more.
In trying to achieve success,
No envy racks our heart,
And all the knowledge we possess,
We mutually impart.

Leafy: Pray, what authors should she read,
Who in Classics would succeed?

Pencil: Read to climb the Helicon
Good Object Anacreon,
Object Metamorphoses,
Object Aristophanes,
Also Object Juvenal—
These are worth attention, all;
But, if you will be advised,
You will get them bowdlerized!

Leafy, Liy, Bracelety: Ah! We will get them bowdlerized!

Bracelety: Pray you, tell us with much joy,
What's the thing that's known as boy?

Pencil: Boys will swear and boys will storm,
Boys are not at all good form,
Boys are of no kind of use,
Boy's a monkey, boy's a goose,
Boys are coarse and boys are plain,
Boys are more or less insane,
Boys are ribalds, boys are rakes,
Boys are Nature's sole mistakes!

Leafy, Liy, Bracelety: One a memorandum makes:
Boys are Nature's sole mistakes!

All four: And thus to empyrean height
Of ev'ry kind of lore,
In search of wisdom's pure delight,
Ambitiously we soar.
In trying to achieve success,
No envy racks our heart,
For all we know and all we guess,
We mutually impart!
And all the knowledge we possess,
We mutually impart!
We mutually impart... impart! ♫

[The song ends with the EXITers laughing and praising each other.]

Click here to continue to the next part.

Notes[]

  1. This goes out especially to the PencilxPen shippers out there; if you don't ship them, then proceed with the usual caution.
  2. I did this for variety; y'all have watched BFB before.
  3. It's a homage to that Eurovision song, the title of which, "Humanahum", is apparently a Latin word that is probably unattested elsewhere. Is there another word for "Land of Men"?
  4. I know BFB is meant to be light-hearted and all, but I always found it a bit odd how unemotional the moments immediately after Cake at Stake were, especially for the eliminated's best friends and all. Sure, there were things like Bubble's apology tirade in BFB 12 and Stapy and Foldy smiling with glee in BFB 5, but what about, say, David's or Roboty's friends? Did they even have any?
  5. They were betting on a televised bowling tournament and Pen was recording the results; it was nothing naughty, I swear! She even called him a machine because he was able to guess the winners so accurately. But that's only when they're objects... I can't tell you what it was like in humanaho, but I'm sure you already know.
  6. They'll be screaming because the bowling leagues are particularly unpredictable at that time.
  7. Yeah, that's what he means.
  8. Tree, ever out of touch when it comes to slang, still thinks "gay" means "merry and carefree".

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