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"45 RPM to Your Doom!" is the non-canon twenty-first episode of TPOT by Jacknjellify. It was released on 26 March 1980. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits from the rest of the series to become an alternate universe. One early title of this episode was "New Wave of Destruction".

Previous episode: "Pumping Iridium"
Next episode: "Shadows... in the Light"

Cold open[]

Outside[]

  • Eraser: Hey, Pen!
  • Pen: Pal, what is it?[1]
  • Eraser: Well, I was thinking about some stuff.
  • Pen: Y'know, I remember the last time you thought about something.
  • Eraser: When was that?

[Puffball floats by.]

  • Puffball: The BFDI finale.
  • Eraser: Eyy, the finale!
  • Pen: Thanks, Puffball!
  • Eraser: That must have been sixteen years ago now.
  • Pen: And to think we're finally in the eighties!
  • Eraser: Yep, a brand new century.
  • Pen: Decade.
  • Eraser: Whatever.
  • Pen: Say, how'd you say you'll enhance your look again?
  • Eraser: Not by putting on some geeky-axe glasses like you. Nope, this man's going to give himself a clean shave.[2] Don't feel like doing it now, though.
  • Pen: Why not? Two turned, like, half the gym into a living cosmetology advice column.
  • Eraser: But I don't feel like—
  • Pen: [dragging Eraser up] Come on, you'll love it!
  • Eraser: You just want to look at yourself under gold lighting.
  • Pen: I think I look great under any lighting.
  • Eraser: Pen, you look best in pitch darkness. /s

[Exeunt Pen and Erasertheir conversation tapers off. Meanwhile, Naily and Price Tag are talking about the début.]

  • Price Tag: Leek is king.
  • Naily: Our plumber told us the same thing when he didn't feel like fixing our bathtub. But Boom Mic? She's got this.

[Enter Basketball. She is wearing the muscle arms she won as a prize at yesterday's Cake at Stake as antennae.]

  • Basketball: Boo!
  • [ Naily · Price Tag ]: Aaaaaaaaaaah!
  • Price Tag: It's a hideous monster!
  • Basketball: No, you children, it's me, Basketball. I'm wearing antennae.
  • Naily: That's even worse! /j

[Naily and Price Tag laugh. Basketball joins in, quietly.]

  • Basketball: Anyway, I heard you talking about the début.
  • Price Tag: Leek remains king!
  • Basketball: Well, I chose Quaddy. He's got it made!

[Enter Nickel, Cloudy and Lightning.]

  • Nickel: Hey, are we talking about Cake at Stake?
  • Basketball: Yeah!
  • Naily: Nick, come sit with us!
  • Cloudy: I want Balloony to join.
  • Lightning: Sure, that's understandable. I chose MC. Mini Cyclone for short.
  • Price Tag: Oh yeah, that's your ex.
  • Nickel: I chose Shampoo.

[Everyone looks at Nickel, horrified.]

  • Nickel: They give me attention!

[Huc teleportat Two.]

  • Two: Did somebody say "Cake at Stake"?
  • Nickel: No, I said Shampoo gives me attention for wanting to eat me all the time.
  • Two: Never expected you to give me sarcasm. Anyway, I've come to tell you that Cake at Stake is going to begin very shortly! I've just got to get the dozens of people you've chosen up here, and then we're good to go!
  • Eraser: [in the background] Aaah!

[Everyone rushes over to the outside of Two's Gym and Living Cosmetology Advice Column. They see Eraser with a tiny shaving, smaller than his eye, taken out of him by Donut.]

  • Donut: I'm sorry, I didn't mean toOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[The intro plays.]

Pre-Cake at Stake[]

On the way to the Cake at Stake place[]

  • Coiny: [chanting] A, B, C, D, E, F, G! Donut's into cosmetology!
  • Donut: Coiny, I wouldn't take the pee out of something that gets you the readies.
  • Pin: Wait a minute. Donut, you get paid for working at the LCAC?
  • Donut: I get paid one Equation Playground franc a day. That's a lot!
  • Golf Ball: According to my calculations, by the time you become rich, the continents will have shifted significantly.
  • Pen: [to Eraser] Why'd you scream, anyway?
  • Winner: Don't you have a high pain tolerance or something?
  • Eraser: [with a tiny piece taken out of him] It's 'cause... 'cause I'm a PENTAGON!
  • Tree: Really? I thought you were Greek.

[Huc teleportat Two. They appear in front of the contestants]

  • Two: Can you get to the roof faster? I'd like to start Cake at Stake any second!
  • Clock: Give us time, Two. Not all of us can run as quickly as—

[Robot Flower runs through the field and climbs the Second Hotel, where she is the first to arrive on the roof.]

  • Clock: Robot Flower.
  • Robot Flower: [on the roof] Hi, 9-Ball!

Cake at Stake[]

[Cake at Stake theme.]

Hotel roof[]

  • Two: How do you like the new risers?
  • Golf Ball: It is very elementary.
  • Tennis Ball: Doesn't it remind you of your mu—
  • Golf Ball: Don't say it! [Beat.] Okay, fine.
  • Tennis Ball: Golf Ball works as a substitute music teacher because all the math and leadership positions are filled.
  • Snowball: GB singing? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—
  • Two: [insulted that an object has mentioned mathematics, and that another has gone off topic] Are you done?
  • Tennis Ball: I'm sorry.
  • Snowball: I'm not!
  • Two: I'm... going to remind you all why we're having this very special Cake at Stake in the first place! It's also our very first Cake at Stake of the 1980s! Isn't that a rad fact?

[Everyone complains at the same time. Among some of the conversations...]

Snowball: No!
Book: Two, all the novelty of the new decade disappeared together with our juice-related drunkenness on New Year's Day.
Donut: And then it was brought back when Eraser screamed. I'm still sorry, man.
Eraser: Whatever. As long as you don't show me my reflection. Pen!
Pen: Sorry, I've just got something on my face.
Eraser: Oh yeah, what's that?
Pen: Handsomeness. [Eraser facepalms as Pen puts away the mirror.]

  • Two: You're all haters anyway. But just so Lightning doesn't ask me later, I shall clarify right now.
  • Lightning: Thank you!
  • Two: [as a diagram appears (as in TPOT 1)] Last episode, each of you chose one person from the Filing Cabinet to join the show, but only if they have never competed before on... The Power of Two! And here they all are, sedately waiting until I ban all but one of them from competing in the challenge of this episode of... The Power of Two!

[Awkward silence.]

  • Two: Let's get started! If you got the most votes, you get to join my show—
  • Clock: Our show.
  • Two: Okay, Fresh Nave. [It's a pun on Brezhnev.] And have I mentioned this? The winner will also get this invisible tomato!

[Zoom into the Invisible Tomato that Two is holding. It appears to be alive... if it appeared at all.]

  • Invisible Tomato: Put me down!
  • Two: Only when a victor is declared!
  • Invisible Tomato: [sassily] I don't think that's at all funny!
  • Gaty: [Aside.] Wow. Only one episode and that thing's got more lines than Nonexisty.
  • Two: Now, we've got [number] votes!
  • Everyone: Ooh!
  • Two: That's a record high! And with such a number, everyone was sure to get at least [number] votes.
  • Clock: Tha—
  • Two: JUST KIDDING!
  • Clock: Tick you!
  • Two: I love you too, Clock.
  • Hei: Ship! Ship! Ship! Ship![3]
  • Two: Pardon?
  • Hei: Aue, did I say "ship"? I meant a bad word that sounds like "ship".
  • Lightning: What word is that?
  • Hei: "Humuhumunukunukuapua'a", Lightning. /s

[Without a word or expression on their face, Two sends Hei to the Filing Cabinet by removing the tile under her.]

  • Black Hole: To think debuter number three could have been sarcastic and funny.
  • Golf Ball: But Two, you cannot eliminate someone just for having an opinion, no matter how disgusting the image of you and Clock together is in our minds!
  • Clock: Think how I feel! [shudders]
  • Two: I didn't eliminate Heiko because she had an opinion, well, I didn't eliminate her for that reason indeed! She got the least votes, at [number]! [smiles at the camera]
  • Gaty: Oh, great, even the recommended people I choose go unnoticed by the viewers.
  • Alif: Am I safe, ber?
  • Two: What?
  • Alif: Ber. It's like "sir", but for numbers.
  • Discy: Mm-hmm! It comes from "number"!
  • Two: That's clever! I want everyone to call me that from now on.
  • Clock: NO.
  • Two: Okay. But back to Alifko... you're eliminated!
  • Alif: What? [falls through The Tile] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
  • Two: As are VHSyko, Selinurko, Blenderko and Protractorko.
  • Saw: W8, Two, don't send them away just yet!
  • Two: Why, like, why not?

[Saw removes the tulipant from her head, revealing a brand new handle: It's brown like the one from old BFB, but it's got the same shape as her usual one.]

  • Saw: Aho!
  • Selinur: Wow, Saw, rock that handle!

[VHSy and Selinur fall through. Protractor vomits.]

  • Protractor: BLEUUUGHGGHHGH!
  • Gaty: Omg, rude! No wonder Coiny chose you!
  • Protractor: I'm sorry, but that handle is brown!
  • Saw: So?
  • Protractor: Brown... is the colour of poo![4]

[Blender and Protractor fall through.]

  • Tree: So that's how salesmen talk when they're not at work.
  • Robot Flower: How sus.
  • Two: Robot Flower, you should be disappointed, because Kyuko-Ballko didn't make it in!
  • Robot Flower: Aww!

[9-Ball falls through.]

  • Two: And neither did Boomko Mic-ko, Saltko Lampko nor Anchorko!
  • Naily: Aww, you almost nailed it, Mikey!

[Boom Mic, Salt Lamp and Anchor falls through.]

  • Tree: Wait, Two, why are you calling everyone "ko"?
  • Eraser: Yeah, what's the issue?
  • Two: I wanted to be trendy and use Japanese names for everyone. After all, it's the eighties.
  • Naily: You can't just strap a "ko" at the end of every word and call it Japanese, Two. That's silly![5]
  • Tree: You're annoying-ko, Two-ko.
  • Two: Objects... [Aloud.] Golfko Ballko Clone-ko, you didn't get in either-ko!
  • Golf Ball Clone: But I can be strong, independent and apparently nice!

[Golf Ball Clone falls through.]

  • Two: [Aside.] I guess one Golf Ball's enough. [Aloud.] As is one snow contestant!

[Snowflake falls through.]

  • Snowball: Grrr!
  • Two: P-ko-D-ko-A-ko, you're down too!

[PDA falls through.]

  • Two: And so is Leek-ko!
  • Leek: See you on the other side, Taggy.
  • Price Tag: I won't lose for your sake, dude!

[Leek falls through.]

  • Two: Oh. [Awkward silence.]
  • Clock: Well?
  • Two: Unko-relatedko Twoko Juniorko, you will also not make it in!
  • Unrelated Two Jr.: [Aside, to Clock.] Oh no, what do I do? Do I tell them off? Do I have another identity crisis?
  • Clock: UTJ, you're one of us, yeah?
  • Unrelated Two Jr.: Oh yeah, that's riiiiiii...

[Unrelated Two Jr. falls through.]

  • Lightning: So to clarify, Unrelated Two Jr. is not related to Two?
  • Clock: That's right.
  • Lightning: How trippy.
  • Two: Miniko Cyclone-ko!
  • Lightning: Gasp!

[Lightning turns around.]

  • Two: I shall now send you off as well!
  • Mini Cyclone: Win for me, Lightning!
  • Lightning: I will do my best, mo chuisle!

[Lightning blows a kiss at Mini Cyclone, who falls through.]

  • Clock: So to clarify... you two were... a thing?
  • Lightning: We were together until the moment we were both expelled from school. He didn't talk to me at all for years because he said it my fault for kissing him in the middle of the corridor, but I'm just glad that we're on good terms again now.
  • Clock: Damn.
  • Two: Rec-ko, Shoppingko Cartko, Disc-ko, Shampooko and Onigiriko, it's time to say your goodbyes!
  • Onigiri: グッドバイ! [waves]
  • Shampoo: One day I'll consume you, Nicholas!

[Nickel steps back, nervously. Relevant Events Calendar, Shopping Cart, Discy, Shampoo and Onigiri fall through.]

  • Two: Camerako, you're the next to leave!
  • Camera: Hide me!
  • Two: But there's no one to hide you, Camera!
  • Genderfluid Book: [standing right next to them] Actually...
  • Two: Genderfluidko Book-ko, you are also gone!
  • Genderfluid Book: Aww!

[Camera and Genderfluid Book fall through. A spotlight effect shows on the final three standing: Balloony, Battery and Rubber Spatula.]

  • Pen: Whoo!
  • Cloudy: You can win this, Balloony!
  • Balloony: Ah ken ah kin! [Subtitles: "I know I can!"]
  • Two: Balloonyko, you're out!
  • Balloony: Ah, weel, it was nice of ye to have me.

[Balloony falls through.]

  • Cloudy: At least he's got Rocky.
  • Nickel: And Cake!
  • Two: [approaching Cloudy and Balloony with a slasher smile] Who's got Rocky and Cake?
  • Nickel: Well—
  • Two: Yeah?
  • Nickel: Um—
  • Two: Yeah?
  • Nickel: Two!
  • Two: What?
  • Nickel: Nothing.

[The spotlight effect shows on the final two standing: Battery and Rubber Spatula.]

  • Two: And now it's down to Battery and Rubber Spatula. Did you know that you were both up for voting in the first episode of The Power of Two?
  • Battery: Yes, we've got that down already.
  • Two: And you both got eliminated because you didn't get enough votes!
  • Battery: Like I said, we've got that down. And that's something of which I am already aware. [points to Price Tag and Winner, who waves]
  • Winner: Sorry, Battery.
  • Price Tag: If it makes you feel better, we never get saved by all the voters!

[Suspenseful pause.]

  • Two: Battery and Rubber Spatula.
  • [ Battery · Rubber Spatula ]: [ Yeah? · Yes? ]
  • Two: How would you like it...
  • Needle: Oh no.
  • Two: If both of you joined the show?
  • Battery: A double debut? Slawa!

[Clock perks up at this exclamation.]

  • Winner: The nice thing about this is that nobody gets to join by themselves.
  • Rubber Spatula: [to Two] So, does this mean we both get to join?
  • Two: That's right!
  • Rubber Spatula: Ooh, that is right!
  • Battery: I'm ready for the next contest already! Come at me, forces of nature!
  • Two: Oh... this is a little awkward.
  • Battery: What?
  • Two: You're going to have to wait, Batko.
  • Battery: Why? This is exactly what's wrong with the current system. I say we dismantle it; who's with me?
  • Two: [before anyone can say "yeah", Two speaks rapidly] No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No rebellions today. Battery, you only got [number] votes compared to Rubber Spatula's [number]. Because of this, you don't get to compete immediately.
  • Battery: What? But Price Tag got to compete, and that was in episode 1!
  • Two: Hey, don't go on about Taggy!
  • Price Tag: [Aside, to Naily.] Two, defending me? Now I'm torn.
  • Naily: Don't worry; they'll be rude again in seconds.
  • Two: I only let them compete in the first episode because I was young and daft.
  • Naily: See?
  • Price Tag: I do now.
  • Rubber Spatula: So, Two... if Battery got the second-highest number of votes, does that mean—
  • Two: Yesssss, RS-ko. Contestants, there is now another object among you, so do your best to welcome him, because I certainly will not.

Post-Cake at Stake[]

Front of the hotel[]

  • Rubber Spatula: "RS-ko", huh? I like that nickname. I think I'm going to use it.

[The voice of Two, who can hear all, rings throughout the land. No megaphone needed.]

  • Two: RUBBER SPATULA IS NOW KNOWN AS ARESKO.[6]
  • Aresko: Buggy ripper!
  • Pen: Y'know, I knew a Sandy Aresco in high school. She was awesome, I'll tell you. [claps] Bang![7]
  • Aresko: Heh.
  • Pen: [putting his arm around him] But not as awesome as you, matey.
  • Aresko: Wait a minute... "mehy-dee"? Aaaahahahahahahaha!

[Aresko falls on the ground laughing. Tree notices and helps him up.]

  • Tree: Up you go.
  • Aresko: Thanks, mate.
  • Pen: Tree, what's going on? Was it something I said?
  • Tree: He was so horrified by how your Canadian mouth pronounced "matey" that he burst out laughing to cope.
  • Pen: I've called you "matey" before. [to the others] Right, gang?
  • Tree: Well, I was probably too drunk on apple juice to care a fig.
  • Gaty: Hell, yeah!
  • Tree: So Aresko, unless you're a really good actor, I'm assuming you're a Goiksie too, right?
  • Aresko: I am!
  • Pen: [Aside.] Hey, Remote, what's a "Goiksie"?
  • Remote: A Goiksie is a person from Goikyan Australia.
  • Tree: Hobart.
  • Aresko: Bells Beach.
  • Tree: Nice. So you're a surfer then?
  • Aresko: More like a surfboard, you know, because of the whole... [whistles as he points from the top to the bottom of his body]
  • Tree: Stop it, lanky looks good on you!
  • Aresko: [humbled] Ta.

[Tree and Aresko walk away and chat happily with each other. Pen watches them with a smile of slight wistfulness. Black Hole, Lightning and Remote notice.]

  • Black Hole: You're jealous.
  • Pen: I'm not; as a matter of fact, I'm proud.
  • Remote: But why?
  • Pen: I've spent many wonderful nights with both of them, separately. [Pause.]
  • Lightning: But if you were spending the nights with them separately, wouldn't they realize you were cheating?
  • Remote: [Aside.] Black Hole?
  • Black Hole: Oh yeah. Nobody's around.
  • Remote: Say it.
  • Black Hole: Yep. [sigh] Kindly be quiet, Lightning.
  • Remote: What, no "shut up"?
  • Black Hole: I don't have it in me, to say such a mean thing.
  • Pen: Well, I wasn't dating them both together. But hey, I'm just glad those two hit it off. Since I'm the only thing they have in common, they can talk about me all the time!

[Black Hole rolls his eyes. We can't see it, but he really is. Huc teleportat Two.]

  • Two: But they won't be doing that now, Remote!
  • Black Hole: That wasn't Remote.
  • Remote: I am not that self-absorbed.
  • Two: Kay-kay.

Pre-contest[]

  • Two: Now, can I get everyone's attention, please?
  • Snowball: No, you can't get!
  • Two: [ignoring] It is time to announce the next contest!
  • Needle: Will this be another team challenge?
  • Clock: Not unless you want me to yell at you guys for abandoning me.
  • Book: [startled by this statement] Clock, none of us abandoned you last challenge. Please let it go.
  • Clock: Oh. [realizing what he has said] Sorry.

[Enter Battery, who has gone down the stairs. She does not look amused.]

  • Two: Welcome, Battery!
  • Battery: Privet.
  • Two: What's with the long face?
  • Battery: Don't hate me because I am beautiful.
  • Remote: Two is asking why you are sad.
  • Battery: Oh. Because you promised I could teleport downstairs with you!
  • Two: I haven't promised anything! Besides, why should I let an object teleport with me?
  • Battery: I, I thought it would be fun.
  • Two: Besides again, I mostly teleport to prove a point. See? I can do this.

[Two teleports to the left.]

  • Two: And this. [teleports to the right] And this. [teleports up to the air, where they levitate] And this!

[Two teleports elsewhere—the other contestants think they have become invisible.]

  • Fries: Oh, where has that joker gone now?
  • Cloudy: Um, Fries... look inside you.

[Just like in BFB 9, Two pops out of Fries's container. They have anime eyes.]

  • Two: Tee-hee!
  • Remote: I think I'm going to hurl.
  • Fries: Get out of my body, Two.
  • Two: [teleports out of Fries's container] Missed me?
  • Golf Ball: Hurry up and talk about the contest!
  • Two: Oh yeah, the contest.
  • Battery: But what about me?
  • Two: [Aside.] And then there's Battery. [Aloud.] Well, the answer is simple. Since you got the second-highest number of votes, you don't get to do anything.
  • Battery: But I want to compete! Everyone here has a duty to do so... [Clock perks up again] So why shouldn't I?
  • Two: Your duty, at least for this episode, is to sit and watch.
  • Battery: [sadly] That is clear, and you will see that I'll abide by your rules.
  • Clock: No, no, no, Two! I demand that you let Pedigree—
  • Battery: Battery.
  • Clock: Battery compete.
  • Two: And why should I listen to you?
  • Clock: Because watchers... are wannabes.
  • Two: What's wrong with that? Wouldn't you and the other dingalings also be wannabes because you want to be in possession of my powers?

[Silence.]

  • Two: That's what I thought. If I could have no more interruptions now, I'd like to start this challenge, so before anyone says a word—
  • Naily: Word.

[Pause.]

  • Naily: Sorry, Taggy begged me to do that!
  • Two: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA—

Great Gramophone[]

  • Two: Our twenty-first contest is simple.
  • Eraser: It doesn't look simple. What are we supposed to do with that giant computer?
  • Golf Ball: That's not what a computer looks like, Eraser. This is a record player.
  • Puffball: Ooh!
  • Two: In this competition, you have to stand on this rotating record for as long as possible without falling. The first team to lose all their members up there will be up for elimination, and the last team to have at least one of their members wins!
  • Lightning: So to clarify, this is just like the balance beam contest in the first episode of BFDI?
  • Two: That's exactly right. But there will also be some obstacles. Won't tell you any more!
  • Pin: Oh, goodie! I might win this!
  • Basketball: Well, I knew these contests were getting more repetitive.
  • Robot Flower: You don't need TV for that!
  • Two: Hush now! I will now move you all to the contest area.

[Two claps their hands and all of the contestants are suddenly standing on top of the record. They are sorted into alphabetical order: Aresko, Basketball, Black Hole etc.]

  • Fries: Marvellous, I've always wanted to be teleported from the grubby little hands of a number to the surface of a 45 RPM record. /s For the love of potatoes, this is wood!
  • Cloudy: You've got that right; look at Black Hole.

[Cloudy indicates Black Hole, who has accidentally sucked up one of the wooden boards that make up this so-called smooth record.]

  • Black Hole: Whoops.
  • Two: [scolding him] Black Hole! You shouldn't have done that!
  • Black Hole: I'm sorry, Two.
  • Two: Each plank of wood costs millions of Equation Playground francs, which I have gained through my hosting of Two-ety Two.
  • Donut: Yeah, you've talked about that many times before.
  • Two: Since you can already fly, Black Hole, you're unfortunately out of the contest, as are all the other floaters. And those are... er... [observing the scene] Cloudy... and Lightning... and... I know there was another one... Nope, there wasn't. You may sit in the audience and cheer the others on.
  • Black Hole: [floating off] Astaghfirullah, I've been punished.
  • Remote: I will win for you, Mr. Hole.
  • Black Hole: Thank you, Remote.

[Black Hole floats over to the cyan bleachers, where he is to watch the competition from afar. Cloudy and Lightning join him.]

  • Lightning: What's up?
  • Black Hole: Meh.
  • Lightning: Same.
  • Cloudy: Where's Puffball?

[Sudden view of Puffball, who is literally laying low to avoid being noticed by Two. Zoom out until we see everyone, then zoom out further until we see Two announcing the rules of the contest.]

  • Two: Alright, it looks like there are twenty-four of you competing today. I can live with that; after all, there are twenty-four hours in a day, so think of this as a real-life 24-hour clock.
  • Clock: [fake laughter] Oh, ha ha.
  • Two: That wasn't meant to be funny.
  • Clock: So you were being boring on purpose.
  • Two: You know what? I just want to watch you lot fall, especially you, Clock! [Clock gasps.] This contest begins now. Go!

Contest[]

Stage 1[]

Great Gramophone[]

  • Two: You are now spinning on a long-playing record. This might be how people will listen to music for the next ten years!
  • Snowball: Oh, great.
  • [ Eraser · Snowball ]: Boring.
  • Two: You can walk around, you know, as long as you don't fall.
  • Eraser: Mamma mia, that's something I like to hear.
  • Two: Of course! Even though the record itself is in motion, you don't have to stay in one place. Get up, all of you!
  • Naily: [getting up] But lying down is so fun!
  • Price Tag: It's my natural state!
  • Eraser: I'm way ahead of yous. Hey, Coiny! [walks over]
  • Coiny: Hey, pentagon.
  • Eraser: Bro, those are fighting words.
  • Coiny: Oh yeah? /hj

[Eraser takes a swing at Coiny (all in jest—after all, they're still friends). Coiny steps away, revealing the hole that Black Hole accidentally made.]

  • Coiny: Ha!

[Eraser falls through the hole.]

  • Eraser: [very deep voice] Aaaaaaaaaaa—
  • Two: We have already lost Eraser to the record.
  • Donut: Seriously? That hole was pretty avoidable!
  • Coiny: Yeah, well... It's Eraser.
  • Donut: But now there are only six Vitas left! [points at himself, Pen, Remote, Snowball, Tree and Winner, who have numbers appear above them]
  • Snowball: I'll fix that for you! Out of my way, losers! Mnyeuuuguaaagagh!

[Snowball shoves Saw and Tennis Ball off.]

  • Saw: Save my handleeeeeee!
  • Tennis Ball: Aaaaaaaa!
  • Golf Ball: TB! You really should be more on your guard! [Beat.] It was merely a suggestion.

[Snowball passes several contestants as he stomps over to Golf Ball. She stands with a focused expression.]

  • Snowball: YOU WANT TO GO TOO?
  • Golf Ball: No.
  • Snowball: Okay.
  • Gaty: Wait, Saw's out? I have to go help her.
  • Fries: Gaty, I really don't think you should be—
  • Gaty: Bye!

[Gaty jumps off the record.]

  • Fries: You've got to be kidding me.
  • Gaty: I'm sorry, Frankx, but we, like, excuse ourselves.
  • Fries: [to himself] Now I know what her loyalty is to the Alefs.
  • Aresko: [walking on the edge of the record] It's not that terrible. Look at me! I'm usually the first one off these things.
  • Fries: Don't brag; it makes you look weak.
  • Aresko: Oops! Sorry.
  • Fries: Whatever, I'm going to go find Puffball.
  • Two: Wait, Puffball's up there? But she can fly!
  • Fries: Oh. Did I say "Puffball"? I meant... "Buff Pall"!
  • Puffball: [biting onto the board] Good save there, Fries!

[Meanwhile.]

  • Nickel: Hey, Two?
  • Two: Yes, Nickel?
  • Nickel: If we're standing on a record, shouldn't there be music playing?
  • Cloudy: Yeah, there should be.
  • Golf Ball: With all due respect, I disagree. This structure is just for show, and it's made of wood. Therefore it should not be playing any music.
  • Two: But you forget this is a magical gramophone!
  • Golf Ball: I've never heard anything more absurd!
  • Basketball: The brightest star in the night sky can disappear for no reason, and you question a magical gramophone?
  • Golf Ball: Ò!
  • Basketball: Mm-hmm.
  • Golf Ball: I guess you're right, Basketball. Rest in peace, Sirius![8]

Stage 2[]

  • Two: Now watch as I initiate... Stage 2.
  • Eraser: [appearing next to Two] Stage 2, eh? Did you name it after yourself?
  • Two: YES! Someone gets it!
  • Clock: No, he doesn't! Two is just the natural number that comes after one.
  • Two: No, I named it after myself. But Eraser, what are you doing here? You should be on the bleachers.
  • Eraser: I'm cheering on my bro. EYY, SNOWBALL!
  • Snowball: Oh, shut up, Rose!
  • Eraser: No, JK. I meant, what is Stage 2?
  • Two: Did you really want to know what Stage 2 was so badly that you walked here from the bleachers?

[Silence.]

  • Eraser: Yes.
  • Two: Then I'll tell you! But first, let's turn on the music!

[Two claps their hands and all the contestants flinch. Some of them even cover where their ears are meant to be. The audience don't hear any music, but in-universe, the contestants are apparently listening to the most annoying song in the world—it is playing really loudly. Words appear on the bottom of the screen: "We can't play this song because it's really annoying! – Jacknjellify"[9]]

  • Aresko: Oh, what is that?
  • Clock: It sounds like thousands of Two clones screaming at once!
  • Two: Well, that's not nice.
  • Nickel: [on the far side of the record] Hey, Two, what's Stage 2?
  • Two: What?
  • Nickel: What's Stage—
  • Two: Huh? I can't hear you!
  • Nickel: WHAT'S STAGE 2?
  • Two: Oh.

[Two lowers the music.]

  • Two: For Stage 2, I turned on the music!
  • Nickel: I'm not really a fan of this song, so I'm going to jump off now.

[Nickel jumps off.]

  • Nickel: Good luck to all of U! [pronounced "you"]
  • Naily: It's pronounced "U"!
  • Golf Ball: Aren't you on the Alefs?
  • Nickel: Oh, that's right; good luck to the Alefs too!
  • Coiny: Yeah, we'll try. Hey, Pin!
  • Pin: Are you walking over?
  • Coiny: [walks over] See my legs?
  • Pin: Yeah, they're nice.
  • Coiny: See you in a few seconds!
  • Pin: Good, I'm not ready to make a move yet.
  • Coiny: You're worried about getting pushed off, aren't you?
  • Pin: Low-key, yes.
  • Coiny: Don't worry, this record thing's totally safe. There's no way that any of us could accidentally collide with—oops!

[Coiny bumps into Needle.]

  • Needle: Ow!

[Coiny and Needle fall off the record.]

  • Two: Coiny and Needle are out!
  • Coiny: Can I climb back on again?
  • Two: Nope! Once you fall, you're out of the contest.
  • Needle: Dang it!
  • Coiny: Sorry, Needle.
  • Needle: Want to get front-row seats?
  • Coiny: Do I? [Beat.] Do I?
  • Needle: Yes, you do.

[Exeunt Coiny and Needle, together.]

  • Fries: You're not going to fall down like Saw and Gaty did, will you?
  • Pin: Why would I?
  • Fries: Because your husband's just gone into the stands with Needle. Shouldn't you be a little concerned?
  • Pin: OMPF, Fries, I'm not that paranoid. Besides, we're on the same team, remember? You shouldn't get me to fall.
  • Fries: Er, what I was trying to say was—
  • Pin: And don't try to stir stuff up, yeah?
  • Price Tag: Yeah, that's my job!

[Exit Fries, quietly and embarrassed.]

  • Naily: Omg, P.T., that was really blunt.
  • Price Tag: The bluntest!
  • Naily: Yeah, you've probably got Snowball beat in that. Look!

[Naily indicates Snowball, who is pushing Tree over.]

  • Snowball: NYOOP!
  • Tree: [falling] Well, I never!
  • Aresko: No worries, Tree, I'll save you! It's part of our pactie, remember?
  • Tree: Wait, Aresko, don't do anything reck—
  • Aresko: [jumps off] Whee!
  • Tree: —less.

[Snowball turns to Robot Flower, who stares at him.]

  • Snowball: Time to push you off too!

[Meanwhile, on the ground, Aresko falls on top of Tree.]

  • Tree: Ow!
  • Aresko: That was so fun! Do it again?
  • Tree: Maybe... later.

[Exeunt. Meanwhile, Two turns towards the camera and smiles widely. Silence (except for the music that's not playing).]

  • Clock: You're about to say something, Two.
  • Two: Am not.
  • Clock: Am—I mean, are Two!
  • Two: I am Two!

[Clock gives Two a look of disapproval before disappearing to the other side of the rotating record.]

  • Two: Anyway, we are now in the final 15!

[Robot Flower throws Snowball off the record.]

  • Snowball: NOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo!
  • Two: Final 14! Let's see who'll be next to fall off!
  • Price Tag: Aww, without Snowball here, there's no action, no drama!
  • Naily: But that's good, innit? Nobody likes Snowball!
  • Price Tag: Aeh. When I joined this show, I expected something more exciting.
  • Naily: Taggy, that line's well old now.
  • Price Tag: Oh yeah, it is!

[Price Tag jumps up, accidentally kicking Pin off the record.]

  • Two: And Pin is out!
  • Price Tag: Oh my paper factory, Pin, I'm sorry!
  • Pin: [upside down—her point is now on the ground] It's fine, as long as someone can pick me up. Coiny!
  • Two: Now only one member of the Alefs remains: Fries!
  • Fries: [who has been hiding Puffball from Two's sight] It's a good thing you haven't been discovered yet.
  • Puffball: Yeah.
  • Golf Ball: U! It is now time for a team meeting!
  • Basketball: Ooh, should we walk over to you?
  • Golf Ball: No! As a sign of my sympathy, I will go over to each of you and explain our planned path to victory! We are the team with the most members here and we must keep it that way!
  • Basketball: Nah, we can walk over, GB. It's fine!
  • Book: Yeah, it's nothing.
  • Golf Ball: Okay, but make sure you mind the hole.
  • Basketball: The wh—aaaaaa!

[Basketball falls through.]

  • Book: I think she's talking about that hole.

[Book points to the hole in the record. She indicates it so intensively that she falls too.]

  • Golf Ball: [walking over to Naily and Price Tag] Okay, may I suggest that we don't point at the hole in the ground or engage in other rash behaviour? For example, this—

[Golf Ball falls through.]

  • Golf Ball: [from below] That was an accident!

Stage 3[]

  • Two: Stage 3! It's time to switch things up a bit! Shall I turn the music up or run the record faster?

[Clamours of either option.]

  • Two: Hmm... I think I'll make the record go faster.

[With a clap of their hands, the record runs three times as fast. Pen and Price Tag quickly lose their balance and get flung off.]

  • Pen: Whoa!
  • Price Tag: Darn you, gravity!
  • Naily: Good thing Robot Flower's feet are planted!
  • Clock: Well, Naily, it's up to us, for our team.
  • Winner: And it's up to Donut and Remote for my team.
  • Clock: Hey, Winner, do you want to make an alliance against the Alefs?
  • Winner: I don't know if the rest of my team would like that. All the aggressive people are out in the stands.
  • Clock: What about for this contest only?
  • Winner: Oh, sure we can do that. As long as we become "enemies" in the next episode.
  • Naily: Fries, you're going down!
  • Winner: [Aside.] Or in the next second.
  • Fries: But Naily, we're on the same plane so I can't go down!
  • Naily: You know what I mean.

[Remote throws Fries off the horizon.]

  • Remote: You just got... fried. Ha ha ha ha ha.
  • Naily: That wasn't so funny!
  • Remote: It was to me.

[Remote falls off as well.]

  • Clock: Don't tell me you were going to say something cheesier.
  • Naily: Maybe...?
  • Donut: But now's not the time for jokes.
  • Clock: I mean, we can't do much more up here. And I'm pretty sure this record can't get any faster.

Stage 4[]

  • Two: "Faster", you say?
  • Clock: No, no, no, Two, that's not what I—tick!

[The record spins much more quickly now, causing Clock, Winner, Naily, Robot Flower and Donut to fall off (in this order). They scream.]

Post-contest[]

Great Gramophone[]

  • Two: And with nobody on my record now, the contest is over.
  • Naily: Ah, so it was you singing up there!
  • Clock: Quelle surprise.
  • Fries: Wait a minute, there's still someone you've overlooked.
  • Two: Who's that?
  • Fries: Puffball!
  • Two: But Puffball can fly! She shouldn't have been up there.
  • Puffball: [dizzy] But... I was. I was holding on to the stick thing on top of the record thing.
  • Two: The whole time?
  • Fries: The whole time; she swears it. [Aside, to Puffball.] You do swear it, don't you?
  • Puffball: Does a puffball puke in the Evil Forest?
  • Two: Alright. Then it appears that the Alefs win this challenge! Congratulations, you get Rubber Spatula.
  • Aresko: Oh, wow. New friends!
  • Coiny: I think you'll find our team... the best!
  • Pen: Safe travels, buddy! [He gives him a friendly salute.]
  • Tree: Eh, it was nice having a fellow Australasian in our team.
  • Winner: Eh-em.
  • Eraser: Which is?
  • Tree: Somebody from Goikyan "Australia-r-and New Zealand".
  • Eraser: No, I mean, is our team up for elimination?
  • Two: Hmm... that's a very good question! It looked like the rest of you, apart from Puffball, were thrown off at the same time. We need to rewatch it a bit more slowly. TV, can you replay the footage?
  • Puffball: But TV was eliminated last episode.
  • Two: [disappointed] Oh. So he was. That means it's now time for some really quick interviews.

[Jump cut to Two lining up the last-standing contestants. They hold a microphone up to each interviewee.]

  • Two: Clock, my trusted timepiece. What did you see when you were thrown off?
  • Clock: First, thank you for calling me a "trusted timepiece". And second, I guess I just saw everyone else, you know, Naily, Robot Flower, Donut and Winner.
  • Winner: I saw everyone else but Clock.
  • Naily: My eyes were closed.
  • Robot Flower: My sensors tell me only Donut was on!
  • Donut: I didn't see anyone.
  • Two: Then Vitas are in second place, and U are up for elimination!
  • Naily: Aww!
  • Price Tag: Didn't you want to see yourself being thrown from a giant record?
  • Naily: I was scared.
  • Basketball: Then you should have been scared afterwards. /j

Voting screen[]

  • Two: Vote in the comments using the letter and square brackets for who you don't want to be eliminated! Vote for who you want to stay! The two people with the fewest votes will leave the show! It's another double elimination, yay!

[Roll credits.]

Stinger[]

Back of the hotel[]

  • Pin: Hello, is anyone there? Help!

[Enter Aresko.]

  • Aresko: Has somebody called for help?
  • Pin: Oh, RS! I've been stuck here all day and no one's noticed!
  • Aresko: I can be of assistance.
  • Pin: Thank you, finally!
  • Aresko: [trying to get Pin out of the ground] Nnnnnh! It's not working.
  • Pin: Do you need tools or something?
  • Aresko: No, I can do it; it will just take a while.
  • Pin: Oh.

[Awkward silence as Aresko tries to get Pin unstuck.]

  • Pin: Weren't you supposed to read the names of everyone that voted for you?
  • Aresko: Oh, that's right. How could I forget KittyLover69?
  • Pin: Who?
  • Aresko: The first person who typed "[O]". Then there was DRAGONS SLAINING PRODUCTIONS, music is my beach, Yandere_fever, Perola Svensson, デスティニー・チュクニェレ, treboR deeR...
  • Pin: Er, Aresko?

[As in TPOT 1, Aresko starts to quake and names the hundreds of thousands of people that voted for him to take part in the show. The whole thing takes place in a few seconds, so we cannot hear what he is saying and have to rely on the levitating subtitles to understand.]

  • Aresko: [out of breath] How... was that?
  • Pin: Goikyan SPARTAAAAA!

[Pin flips herself over, frees herself from the ground and somersaults into the sky.]

  • Aresko: What the...

[Suddenly, Rubber Spatula gets up from his sleeping bag in the middle of the field. It looks as if he has been sleeping.]

  • Aresko: Ah! [looks around] Oh. It was only a dream.
  • Pin: [in the background] Help me!
  • Aresko: [to himself] I suppose this world is as normal as ever. Nothing out of the ordinary here!

[Liy zaps into existence.]

  • Liy: Who are you talking to?
  • Aresko: Ò!

[Liy disappears as quickly as she came. Aresko packs up his things and slowly walks to the hotel, unsure whether to tell anyone or not. The words "To be continued" fill the screen, but we all know that of this episode, this is...]

THE END

Deleted scenes[]

  • Basketball was going to put on her muscle arms as antennae in the previous episode instead of this one. This was changed along with the challenge format.
  • During Cake at Stake:

Black Hole: I agree.
Remote: Hey, you agree with Black Hole for once.
Tree: I can almost taste a reluctant reconciliation from you. [Beat.] Wait, that's from me.

  • Gaty on the New Decade Party:

Gaty: No more apple juice, and the fireworks are through.

  • Nickel was going to explain to Coiny what poo was using the words of Knife from II: "Crap, poop, dung, the kids at the pool". I dropped it because I frankly didn't want to imagine objects faeces-ing.
  • Pen was going to tell Rubber Spatula—now Aresko—that one of his high school girlfriends was fine instead of awesome. Also, her name would have been Dawn, but then I changed it to J'dawn and then Shoezanne and then Shoesan and then Sandy.
  • A deleted line from after Aresko and Tree become pals:

Pen: I've spent many wonderful nights with both of them. Separately.
Lightning: What did you do during the night, Pen?
Pen: We had a crying contest over old movies, Lightning.
Black Hole: That sounded far too sarcastic to be believed, but since it's you, I'll take that at face value.
Remote: But you don't have a face.
Black Hole: Touché.

  • The Great Gramophone was originally going to be called the Giant Record Player. It was changed because I thought "Great Gramophone"—a pun on "great grandma"—was funnier.
  • A deleted scene from the episode outline:

Two: Stage 2! Get it? Because 2, Two? Two! Get it? Hee hee.
Clock: Yes, we get it, Two, thank you.
Two: [smiling] You're welcome, Clock! [angry] Now fall!
Clock: What? No way!
Two: Then you're not going to like this!

  • Instead of saying "you're out of this episode's contest", Two was going to say "you're out of the game forever". That would be really ambiguous, even though nobody actually got eliminated in this challenge.
  • As soon as the record moved faster, the music would begin to play more quickly, thus being audible for the first time. This was to be an even further parody of the "muted copyrighted music at their original speed" phenomenon.
  • There was going to be a scene where Battery would have grown to an enormous size and gone on a rampage, destroying Two's gramophone in the process... until it turned out that it was just a daydream of Battery's. This was deleted (and maybe moved to the next episode).
  • Puffball was originally going to explain that she only won the contest because of her "musical teeth". Yes.

Notes[]

  1. I heard "Hell, what is it?" The official unofficial transcript says otherwise.
  2. Hey, it's a line from the human version! Must have slipped in there.
  3. After their numerous interactions in TPOT 1 and BFB 30, there must be at least one person out there who wants Two and Clock to get together. (Not me!) Also, if FTPOT were mainstream, there would be numerous fanfics where Clock and Gaty cheat on their loved ones just to have an enemies-to-lovers relationship. I can feel it.
  4. Yes, I went there. What else can I say other than "If you make a spoonerism out of this season, you get The Tower of Pwo"?
  5. See under the section "Names".
  6. His legal name is still "Rubber Spatula", just as Coiny is formally called Coiniel and Naily is Cornailya. I don't want to have to type a name that's too long'.
  7. There are too many real people with that last name, if Google is any indicator. Sandra was just a popular name for Canadians born in 1941.
  8. That's right. Black Hole ate Sirius A last episode. Given its distance, I don't think anything drastic would happen if the star really disappeared, at least where the Solar System is concerned. (Oh my gosh, was that selfish?)
  9. It's a joke about copyrighted songs on YouTube being muted in videos. They didn't actually put in a song here.

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