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"Laisser Tomber Les Balles" is the non-canon nineteenth episode of TPOT by Jacknjellify. It was released on 9 August 1979. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 2 comes out, after which it splits to become an alternate universe. During the creation process, this episode was known as "Pumping Osmium" and "Pumping Iridium" before the latter title was moved to a later episode.

Author's note: Starting with this one, each TPOT episode will gradually be more "slice of life" than just a competition. We get to see more of the contestants' lives outside the show, isn't that exciting?

Previous episode: "Like Game"
Next episode: "Teamwork (Take Six)"

Cold open (That's what I'm calling it now)[]

Front of the hotel[]

  • Two: Hi, guys!

[Beat.]

  • Two: Oh. No one's here. That's right, I've sent them off. [looks around] Well, it looks like I can just go to the front desk and finally relax.

[Enter Needle, Remote and Donut.]

  • Needle: Hi, Two!
  • Two: Ug.
  • Needle: We had to walk for hours, but here we are!
  • Two: Oh Gogma, I thought I was alone.
  • Remote: Well, you're not.
  • Donut: Remote's right. The other contestants should be arriving in a few minutes!
  • Two: [points to a limousine approaching] Is that what that is?
  • Donut: Yep! We contacted your limousine company and they're driving everyone in from their homes as we speak!
  • Needle: And they're carpooling to save the planet. Donut told all.
  • Remote: Perhaps even too much.
  • Two: How do you know this stuff?
  • Donut: Because I have the factor of you within me.
  • Two: Hgggh. I suppose a number can no longer be privy to any information these days. [under their breath] Objects...
  • Needle: We heard that!
  • Two: Oh, sorry. I've been on the Equation Playground and it's kind of an echo chamber. Not that I've reason to disagree, I mean, objects, ew!

[Needle, Remote and Donut look at Two disparagingly. Suddenly, the limousine appears. Its colour changes every few seconds.]

  • Two: I feel like the host of The Snatchelor.

[One by one, the contestants exit the limousine. They chatter among themselves.]

  • Donut: Welcome, everybody!
  • Two: Hey, I was going to say that! Welcome, every—

[They are not listened to because everyone is talking to each other. Among some of the conversations heard during this sequence, all happening at the same time.]

Golf Ball: That was an emotional journey.
Tennis Ball: Who knew being a substitute teacher for the current generation was so difficult?
Golf Ball: Those urchins are a new level of ungrateful!
Tennis Ball: And you would also not believe how hard it is to tell your kids "goodbye".
Pin: Really? You don't need tones for that! Try getting a foreigner to say "Tạm biệt"; now that's hard.
Coiny: Oh, Pin, don't tell them you weren't tearing up when you saw our babies.
Pin: They go to school and they have their own drama! What else have we been missing?
Golf Ball: I hear you. I can't believe I'm a grandmother now.
Tennis Ball: And I'm a grandpa!
Coiny: If Lisa makes me a grandpa when I'm your age, I won't know what to do.

[Meanwhile, with Eraser and Pen, who is wearing glasses.]

Eraser: Man, I hate what Dad said.
Pen: That Golf Ball was right and we've been acting like "Gino" stereotypes?
Eraser: No, that I was acting like a stereotype! At least he was proud of you coming out on international TV.
Pen: And yet he still made us go to Greek school to learn about our heritage.
Eraser: See, I thought we were done with that stuff after Hebrew school, but whatever. I had a good time.
Pen: You got the teacher's number a week after her husband died, bud.
Eraser: Her middle name is "Match". Good thing I don't have to wear those sleazy Hollywood-nerd glasses like you.
Pen: Eyy! These make me look smart.

[Meanwhile again...]

Naily: I am still shocked.
Price Tag: I said I'm sorry! We could have met up if I'd known I was in the same country as you.
Naily: Same country, my foot! You were living in the flat right below us.
Nickel: Talk about a coincidence!
Price Tag: Well, we didn't have time to say "g'day, mate". From the moment we stepped off the plane until the moment I arrived here, it felt like seconds and ages at the same time. Why, my invisible heart's still racing!
Naily: Aeh, I should have given you a little more leeway. You're a refugee now!
Price Tag: Yeah. Anyway, Book, how's Goikyan Europe?
Book: It's great!
Saw: You mean, it's gr8!
Book: Huh?
Gaty: Saw found a way to toggle between one tone of voice and another.
Saw: Now things are partly back to the way they were before!
Book: Oh, that's neat.

[Meanwhile...]

Clock: I got married.

[Two claps to get everyone's attention.]

  • Two: Attention, everyone!

[Everyone gets quiet.]

  • Two: Let's all get excited!
  • Snowball: No, let's not!
  • Two: [ignoring him] Now that you're all here, it's time to start a new stage in the battle for The Power of TwoOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[The intro plays. It has the same melody and instruments, but it has been slightly disco-fied.]

Pre-Cake at Stake[]

  • Saw: Aw, do we have to do it now?
  • Tennis Ball: It's almost midnight. I should be in bed!
  • Two: Well, you're in luck; I'm feeling knackered as well. How about we just call it a night?
  • Everyone: Yay!
  • Basketball: Wait, but where will we sleep?
  • Robot Flower: No doubt you've sold your hotel to strangers!
  • Two: I wouldn't do such a thing... yet! You'll be pleased to hear that I have shielded your rooms from all outside influences during the months you were away, so they will most certainly be livable!
  • Saw: Ohhhh!
  • Two: [imitating Saw] Yeahhhh!
  • Lightning: That clears up so many questions now!

[Everyone goes inside.]

  • Two: What, I don't even get a thank you?
  • Pen: [going in] Thanks, Two!
  • Two: You're welcome!

[Everyone goes into the building. With a tiny "ding!" sound, the night suddenly becomes day. Exit Two from the hotel, staring into the camera.]

  • Two: Well, that was a short night. But I've got a plan. [turning around] HEY EVERYONE, IT'S TIME FOR CAKE AT STAKE!

[Collective groaning.]

  • Gaty: [poking her head out the window] Can't it wait?
  • Two: Nope!

[Gaty makes the same face Golf Ball and Tree made in BFB 13.]

Cake at Stake[]

[Cake at Stake theme. It is the same as in the entire third act, but only minimally remixed.]

Cake at Stake place[]

  • Robot Flower: Really now, the song's the same?
  • Needle: You said you were going to change it!
  • Two: While that is true, the new rules state that the Cake at Stake song may only be changed after a new stage in the game.
  • Clock: What new rules? Don't tell me they updated the TPOT Game Rules again!
  • Two: They did, in April.
  • Clock: But I bought the latest edition in the Furet du Sud in March, limited edition, f'damn!
  • Two: Clock, be quiet and let me do my ceremony.
  • Clock: Oh, yes, sorry.
  • Two: Deathagainners, you're back again! How does it feel?
  • Black Hole: We've been up for elimination so many times, that it's not even funny.
  • Tree: It's official; we're the new Beep.
  • Cloudy: That's kind of offensive.
  • Nickel: Bless your heart, Tree!
  • Tree: Fine, sorry. I meant to say we're a certain team that has consistently failed at challenges in the previous series. Better?
  • Cloudy: Much.
  • Nickel: Thank you!
  • Remote: Tree, what's with the bad attitude?
  • Black Hole: You've been acting like this, since last night. Do you want to talk?
  • Tree: I mean...
  • Yellow Face: [butting in] Mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu
  • Two: Hush now, and let me announce that today's prize is... gloves!

[Two reveals three pairs of #FF0000, #00FF00 and #0000FF gloves for each safe member of Death PACT Again.]

  • Tree: Now what are these useful for?
  • Two: Oh. Good question. See, I thought they would be useful for this contest, but then I postponed the contest planned for today until the next episode, and so... [sees everyone confused] They're not useful.
  • Black Hole: Gloves and black holes, an unlikely friendship.
  • Two: Yellow Face...
  • Yellow Face: [excited] YEAH!
  • Two: You're eliminated. [Two throws the gloves at Black Hole, Remote and Tree, who are declared safe. Black Hole sucks his up by accident.]
  • Yellow Face: Huh?

Post-Cake at Stake[]

  • Two: Now that that's settled, we can finally start the contest!

[Confusion, cross-talk.]

  • Clock: Wait, Two, you can't just do that!
  • Two: Do what?
  • Clock: Eliminate Yellow Face in such an undignified manner!
  • Two: [smugly] I can do whatever I want! Yellow Face is eliminated and that's that. Can you even handle the heat, bruv-o?
  • Clock: D'um... no.
  • Lightning: I can handle the heat and the cold!
  • Book: Um, Lightning, I don't think that's the kind of temperature variation Two's talking about.
  • Two: [happy again] Now, Death PACT Again, please sit with the other audience members.
  • Remote: Yay.
  • Tree: But why are we in the audience? Cake at Stake is over, is it not?
  • Two: Cake at Stake may be over, but I want everyone to hear this announcement! It might blow your minds.
  • Eraser: [Aside.] I hope Two doesn't mean that literally.
  • Puffball: If they do, you will have nothing to lose. /j
  • Eraser: Ha, good one.
  • Two: So you know how for the last six years, you've been organized into teams of six?

[Noises of agreement.]

  • Needle: I don't like where this is going, but yeah.
  • Two: Well, that ends today!

[Everyone gasps.]

  • Two: That's right! As of this episode, there will be no more "Strongestest Team on Earth!", no more "Death PACT Again", no more "Are You Okay", no more "Cold Woe Bunch", no more "The S!" and no more "Just Not". You will all compete as individuals.
  • Lightning: So to clarify, we have to compete on our own from now on?
  • Two: Well, not from now on. You'll all be in teams again in the future, just with different people. But for now, you fly soli.
  • Eraser: Uh, I think you mean solo.
  • Tennis Ball: Soli is the plural!
  • Pen: Monos, Eraser. Y'know, like in Greek.
  • Eraser: You really do pay attention in school, eh?
  • Two: [dramatically] Do not interrupt! You will now be scrambled.
  • Puffball: I can't be scrambled!
  • Cloudy: That's what "Verlan" is for.

[With a whoosh, Two uses their powers to physically move all the contestants so that they are equidistant from each other and in a seemingly random order.]

  • Tennis Ball: Oh no!
  • Golf Ball: Now we are even further apart, TB!
  • Barf Bag: And not just that, but Coiny and Nickel are next to each other!
  • Coiny: Nah, it's fine.
  • Nickel: We're at a safe distance!
  • [ Needle · Pin ]: [Aside.] Darn it!
  • Saw: Hey, wait a minute: Just because teams are disbanded doesn't mean we can't all be friends!
  • Snowball: No! No friends!
  • Gaty: Saw, want to be the first alliance?
  • Saw: Sure!
  • Donut: Barf Bag and I will be in an alliance as well.
  • Barf Bag: Yeah!
  • Black Hole: Same with us former Deathagainners.

[Pretty soon, almost all of the cast have grouped themselves into tight alliances based on who their best friends are.]

  • Snowball: Oh great, I'm alone!
  • Lightning: Well, this is awkward; so am I.
  • Snowball: I don't need all you weak losers anyways!
  • Pen: [Aside.] Should we invite him over?
  • Eraser: Frick no.
  • Two: Keep up the teamwork, all, as I announce the special challenge I've got for you today!
  • Golf Ball: But don't you have to eliminate Yellow Face first?
  • Yellow Face: [quietly] SHHHHHH!
  • Golf Ball: No offence.
  • Two: That's right; Yellow Face is eliminated. But I'm letting him stay.
  • Yellow Face: Really? Then I'm going to advertise something right now!
  • Coiny: Do it, Yellow Man!
  • Two: No, no, no, no, he's actually going to be with the other eliminated players... [sees everyone confused] But that's a topic of conversation for later.
  • Lightning: How much later?
  • Two: You'll see...

Pre-contest[]

[The Cake at Stake platform, on which Two has been standing, begins to rise.]

  • Two: That is, if you make it up here.
  • Naily: "Up here"?
  • Price Tag: What does that silly number mean?
  • Book: I'm assuming that's our next contest.
  • Two: You're right, Book! Today's contest is to get to the top of the Second Hotel!
  • Saw: Oh, wow, that's just like in episode 1!
  • Basketball: TV, can you prove that these contests are getting more repetitive?
  • TV: We'll see about that.
  • Two: It's true that this contest sounds like an exact copy of your very first one in... The Power of Two! But there's a huge difference, an essential difference, a difference that makes it completely different from—
  • Clock: Hurry up, Two, before you become inaudible.
  • Two: When you're up here, you mustn't talk to me or you will be eliminated!

[Everyone gasps.]

  • Gaty: If we hadn't known about that rule, we would have been screwed.
  • Naily: That would be especially bad for me.
  • Price Tag: And she's not even a screw!

[Two's platform is almost at the same height as the roof of the hotel now.]

  • Two: GO!
  • Snowball: Huh?
  • Needle: I think Two said—
  • Basketball: Needle, all of us heard that. Snowball's just kind of dense.
  • Needle: Oh, duh.

Contest[]

Front of the hotel[]

  • Coiny: [watching her go up] Hey, Needle, are you taking the stairs?
  • Needle: No, Coiny, I'm teleporting through the floors. /s Of course I'm taking the stairs!
  • Coiny: That's such a good idea!
  • Pin: Let's use it as well.
  • Remote: I will do that too because of peer pressure.
  • Tree: And because it's easier.
  • Black Hole: Wait a minute, alliance, I don't think we should go up the stairs.
  • Remote: But we've done that before.
  • Black Hole: Yes, but presently, the stairs are being climbed by Snowball, and he's a real murderer.
  • Remote: Ooh, good point.
  • Tree: So, Black Hole, can you—
  • Black Hole: I know what you're going to say next, so I'll do it.
  • Tree: Thanks.

[Black Hole starts to float up, but extremely slowly. Lightning notices this from afar; he is next to Winner.]

  • Lightning: What? They've made an alliance without me? Oh, this is bad.
  • Winner: Have you asked them if you could join?
  • Lightning: Maybeeee... not. [sigh] I just want to be included.
  • Winner: It doesn't look like they're going very quickly. But at least you can!
  • Lightning: You're right! That'll show them.

[Lightning floats to the top. As he does so, he laughs (though the others do not notice).]

  • Lightning: Ha, ha!
  • Golf Ball: Hey, that's my wicked laugh!

Roof[]

  • Lightning: Yes, I made it! Again! [Aside.] Oh, there's Two. We can't talk to them... What's going on?

[Two, with their back turned to Lightning, uses their powers to raise all the eliminated contestants up to the roof, as in episode 13. They can be heard making cross-talk, but quietly—the contestants have been instructed to stand far away from their host.]

  • Lightning: Fanny, hi!
  • Fanny: Lightning! I hate this!

[Lightning smiles a bit. Two turns around with an angered look in their eyes.]

  • Lightning: Oh, oh gosh... [Aside.] Not a word, L.
  • Two: So we've got our first competing contestant up here! Welcome, Lightning!
  • Bottle: Hey, it's LN!
  • Marker: He's one of my best friends! [waves; Lightning waves back]
  • Two: I'm sure he must be very confused as to why I've brought the eliminated contestants back. Well, I'll tell him!
  • Lightning: [to himself] Well, that's not fair. Two can talk to me, but I can't talk to Two?
  • Two: [approaches Lightning] That's right! Ha! How's that for asymmetry?
  • Bell: But Two, what's the contest?
  • Foldy: Yeah, tell us, please!
  • Two: I'm glad you asked! [turning towards Lightning] And I'm glad you didn't!

Front of the hotel[]

  • Remote: Black Hole, can you go faster?
  • Black Hole: I wish I could, but I still have to get used to life on Earth. I've been in space for the past several months, and I felt much more liberated than I do now. Gravitationally, of course.
  • Tree: Yeah, well...

[Enter Pen.]

  • Pen: [waves] Yia sas!
  • Black Hole: H.
  • Tree: [fake smiling] Hi.
  • Remote: What goes on?
  • Pen: Since you're all using—I mean, asking—Black Hole to take you up the building, I was wondering if I could come along.
  • Tree: Oh. Listen, Pen, I love you and all, but—
  • Pen: [excited] You love me? S'agapo too, Tree!
  • Remote: It's a colloquial expression.
  • Tree: Whatever. Anyway, I don't think I should tear you away from your other mates. Maybe you can join one of them instead, yeah?
  • Pen: For sure! [slaps the back of Tree's head in a friendly manner] Thanks for the reminder, eh?

[He walks off as Black Hole floats up more.]

  • Pen: Hey, Winner!
  • Winner: Sorry, I can't talk right now; I'm scaling a building.

[Winner tries to use the same strategy they used in TPOT 1, but to no avail.]

  • Winner: Oof, these walls are totally unscalable! Curse you, smoothed-out postmodernist architecture!
  • Donut: [about to climb the stairs] Chalk?

[Donut throws a piece of chalk at Winner so they can use it to climb the walls of the hotel.]

  • Winner: Chur!

Staircase[]

  • Saw: I wonder what happens to whoever's in last place!
  • Book: Whatever the punishment is, it's not something I want.
  • Gaty: So true.
  • Coiny: Yeah, I'd hate to lose.
  • Snowball: [stops walking] Stop it! You are all too annoying!
  • Gaty: Well, sorry.
  • Barf Bag: No offence, Snowball, but when you're around, it's a lot less scary when we're all talking to each other.
  • Snowball: No! You talk hate!
  • Donut: But Snowball, nobody was talking about you until a few seconds ago.
  • Snowball: I don't care! Nghweourp!

[Snowball pushes everyone down the stairs. "Miscellaneous objects falling down the stairs" noise as everyone ends up at the bottom of the staircase in the hotel lobby.]

  • Coiny: Snowball, WTM?
  • Snowball: I hurt Coiny!
  • Barf Bag: Was that an apology attempt?
  • Coiny: Surprisingly, yes.
  • Nickel: Well, this sucks, Cloudy!
  • Cloudy: Nickel, do you want me to fly you?
  • Nickel: Oh yeah. Duh, we had a whole episode dedicated to that! Fly me up there, Tadig! [Subtitles: "Breton for 'daddy'."]
  • Cloudy: Are you going to fly too, Puffball?
  • Puffball: Why not? I like fresh air.
  • TV: [with his head on the ground] Can you fly me too, please?
  • Puffball: Oh, I'm sorry, TV, but I can't carry people with me any more. My growing privileges have been revoked.

[TV sticks his head up from the ground. On the screen is the asset of Lightning; he is listing all the people who have made it up.]

  • TV: Gosh dang it to heck.
  • Puffball: [floating up] Don't worry, maybe one of our former teammates can help you up.
  • TV: Yeah. Maybe.

Roof[]

  • Eggy: My weather forecast never said "cloudy with a chance of balls"!
  • Pillow: Speak for your aura, Eggy! My dreams have come true!
  • Bottle: So have mine! Hee-hee!

[Enter Cloudy, Nickel and Puffball, who have apparently raced to the top.]

  • Lightning: Hey, you three!
  • Cloudy: Got here as fast as we could.
  • Puffball: We're... out of breath.
  • Nickel: Really? I feel fine!

[Cloudy gives Nickel a dirty look.]

  • Lightning: I suppose that's it for us fliers.
  • Puffball: What about Black Hole?
  • Lightning: Oh yeah. I hope he remembers me.

On the way up[]

  • Black Hole: So Lightning. [Beat.] I don't know where he is. Anyway, that's not what I want to talk about. Tree, I think you've been acting very strangely lately.
  • Tree: No, I haven't.
  • Remote: First you didn't even say a word to anyone in the limo last night, then you fell asleep the second we arrived at our hotel room, then you aggressively snore for eight hours, and now you refuse to let Pen join our alliance. My sensors are telling me something is wrong.
  • Black Hole: Did something happen back home?
  • Tree: Actually, yeah. But it hasn't anything to do with Pen. As much as I'd love to take the bloke on a ride as we're doing now, I just can't talk to him about these things. He's not good at word problems like you two are.
  • Black Hole: What's going on then?
  • Tree: Home. Georgy's being a bit of a pain, to say the least. Hope that didn't sound too harsh.
  • Black Hole: No, you're valid.
  • Tree: We were getting along at first, until it was time for me to leave.
  • Black Hole: Right.
  • Tree: She did not take it okay. She blamed me for not being in her life since she was nine, and then she said if Mona were alive right now, she'd know better how to parent her, unlike you—me.
  • Remote: Mona, your dead wife?

[Tree nods.]

  • Black Hole: That's kind of messed up.
  • Tree: Glenn[1] hasn't a problem with it; he's studying algebralienology at uni and says he'd like a share of my powers if I win... But Georgy, I just don't know any more. How am I supposed I deal with whatever's possessed my daughter, and why's she acting like this in the first place?
  • Black Hole: She's seventeen.
  • Remote: Teenagers are evil.
  • Black Hole: Maybe you should just, I don't know, give her space. I get space all the time.
  • Tree: I bet you do, Black Hole. /hj [sigh] I just wish she knew she was loved, even if we're thousands of kilometres apart.
  • Remote: Then why not call her? It's been a day. As far as we know, the payphones still work, and I'm sure she would love to hear your voice outside the television screen.
  • Tree: You know what? That's a good idea. I think I'll call her tonight. Thanks, Remote!
  • Black Hole: Does anyone else feel really stupid, knowing that we've been living on this set for years, yet almost none of us have used the phone to call anyone?
  • [ Remote · Tree ]: [ Totally. · Yep. ]

Roof[]

  • Pillow: [chasing Grassy] I'm going to get you, Grassy!
  • Grassy: I'm Grassy!
  • Two: You just can't catch someone else's balls!
  • Fries: That sounded really wrong, Two.
  • Pie: Actually, you are the wrong one for bringing it up.
  • Fries: Okay, I said nothing.
  • Snowball: Whoa! What's going on?
  • Lightning: [not noticing who is speaking] Two's having a rejoining contest, a bit like in BFDI 14. So those contestants there have to catch as many balls as possible. The balls disappear after 2.763 seconds so that we can follow their progress. The one who catches the most balls wins the contest and is back in the game now.
  • Nickel: You go, Rocky!

[Snowball grabs Lightning and gives him a noogie.]

  • Snowball: Thanks for telling me!
  • Lightning: Gasp! It was you the whole time, Snowball?
  • Snowball: Duh!
  • Cloudy: Couldn't you tell by his feral animal musk?

[Everyone looks at Cloudy.]

  • Cloudy: I'm sorry, I thought that was an expression in English.
  • Nickel: It really isn't.
  • Cloudy: [Aside.] Bon sang, j'savais même pas ce que ça voulait dire. [Subtitles: "Oh my, I didn't even know what that meant."]
  • Puffball: Ha!
  • Snowball: Anyway, Lightning, I tell you I changed!
  • Lightning: Changed what?
  • Snowball: I don't want to kill any more! Just violence!
  • Lightning: I'm sorry, Snowball, but I don't really care for you now.

[Enter Tree, Remote and Black Hole.]

  • Snowball: Death prevent!
  • Tree: Ugh, what is it?
  • Snowball: I don't kill!
  • Black Hole: Please don't talk to us.
  • Remote: Murderer.

[Enter Winner.]

  • Cloudy: Hey, it's Winner!
  • Winner: It took a while, but I'm up here. Thanks for the chalk, Donut!

[Donut pokes his head out of the window and gives Winner a thumbs-up.]

Front of the hotel[]

  • Robot Flower: Enough with Snowball and his cartoonish beastliness! I'm going to scale that building! [points at the former set of Two's game show from last episode]
  • Golf Ball: Let's go explore!
  • Tennis Ball: Okay. See you round, Book!
  • Book: You bet!

[Exit Tennis Ball and Golf Ball.]

  • Robot Flower: Hey, Book! Want to go climb the building with me like in that movie?
  • Book: Are you talking about the one with the gorilla?
  • Robot Flower: Yeah!
  • Book: But wouldn't you rather climb a building with TV?
  • TV: Don't suggest it, Book; I have a fear of heights.
  • Book: Oops, sorry.
  • Robot Flower: But we might win!
  • Book: Um... okay.

[Just as Robot Flower runs to the moon within seconds, she takes Book, places her on her head and climbs the set. They jump epically from one building to another as they are declared safe.]

  • Robot Flower: [from the roof] Hey, are those the eliminated contestants?
  • Book: Where's Ice Cube?

Obscure part of the Second Hotel lobby (Opotshl)[]

  • Tennis Ball: Well, here we are in the Opotshl.
  • Golf Ball: According to my calculations, the dust content in this corner is much higher than elsewhere. It is unsuitable for object consumption!
  • Tennis Ball: I can't see why anyone would put an elevator here.
  • Golf Ball: Maybe Two has hidden it among the decaying plants so we can't go up and down easily.
  • Tennis Ball: Ohhhh. Speaking of "decaying plants"—
  • Golf Ball: Don't say anything about my looks, TB.
  • Tennis Ball: What? I wasn't going to!
  • Golf Ball: Good, because that's all my students were talking about.
  • Tennis Ball: Tell me about it. Remember when I suggested my class watch Leave It to Distillation Receiver? They looked at me as though I had three eyes. Kids are getting worse.
  • Golf Ball: Either that...

[Pause. Wide view of the obscure part of the lobby.]

  • Golf Ball: Or we're just getting old, Tennis Ball.

Roof[]

  • Black Hole: You got this, Pie!
  • Pie: Maybe I do, maybe I don't, but one thing's for sure.
  • Remote: What's that?
  • Pie: I like preventing death.
  • Marker: That's classic Pie!

[Enter Needle, who has been carrying Clock with her.]

  • Needle: Yay, we're here—oh, wait, there's a crowd.
  • Bottle: Yeah! Three's a crowd!
  • Needle: Thanks to him. /s [points accusingly at Snowball]
  • Snowball: What did I do?
  • Clock: What did you do? What did you do? You kept hitting us against the wall so we wouldn't go up, you ticking Snowanderthal!
  • Snowball: So what? You didn't die!
  • Needle: You're lucky Clock and I make a strong duo.
  • Snowball: Whatever. [walks away]
  • Clock: Can you put me down now, Needle?
  • Needle: Wait, let me savour this moment!
  • Clock: Haven't you heard? I'm a married man now.

[Needle drops Clock at once.]

  • Needle: What.

[Enter Gaty and Saw.]

  • Saw: Omg!
  • Gaty: Someone got hitched to Tick-Tock Boi?
  • Clock: Yes! It was a beautiful ceremony in Goikyan Tahiti and we only invited our closest friends.
  • Winner: I was there. The best part is that nobody objected!
  • Needle: Er, hello?
  • Saw: Aw, you didn't invite your other friends on The S!?
  • Clock: Some friends you are! Why would I invite anyone who might say, "Who would be the bride of a man who wants to be called 'sir' all the time? How can a girl marry a guy who has to look in the dictionary to find out what love is?" Well, guess what, I'm working on it! Doh!

[Clock walks off, peeved.]

  • Gaty: How did he know I was totally going to say that?

Opotshl[]

  • Golf Ball: See, there is an elevator here!
  • Tennis Ball: Should we try it out?
  • Golf Ball: I don't see why not.

[Golf Ball presses a button on the elevator, but it does not open. Enter Naily and Price Tag.]

  • Naily: What are thoossssse?
  • Tennis Ball: Hi, Naily, P.T., we're just trying to see if this elevator works.
  • Price Tag: We have an elevator?
  • Naily: Er, I don't think you should go in that thing.
  • Golf Ball: Why not? An elevator is an elevator. Or a "lift", as you might call it.
  • Naily: I do! Anyway, as former members of Just Not, we've had some bad experiences with broken elevators.
  • Golf Ball: Even if it were broken, it could easily be fixed!
  • Price Tag: And I know who it could be!
  • Naily: I'm starting to sense her presence in three... two...

[Enter Basketball.]

  • Basketball: Hey, everyone!
  • Naily: One. Basketball.
  • Basketball: Naily.
  • Price Tag: Price Tag!
  • Basketball: Did someone call for a lift repair? If so, they're in luck!
  • Tennis Ball: You can fix this?
  • Basketball: Sure, why not? I fixed the First Hotel's elevator with a little help from Snowball, of all contestants.
  • Naily: We're going to take the stairs.
  • Basketball: Thought you hated the stairs!
  • Price Tag: That was six years ago!
  • Basketball: No, I think you're just trying to avoid me.
  • Naily: Nyeh-heh!
  • Price Tag: Race you up?
  • Naily: Heck yeah!

Staircase[]

  • Donut: Naily, Taggy, if you shove, you're just as bad as—oh, they can't hear me.
  • Pin: Want to run too?
  • Coiny: Do I? [Pause.] Do I?
  • Barf Bag: The sooner we get up there, the less likely we'll be eliminated.
  • Coiny: Okay! Let's go, go, go!

[Dialogue-less view of the rooftop: Naily and Price Tag make it up all excited-like, while Coiny, Pin, Barf Bag and Donut get there, almost out of breath.]

Front of the hotel[]

  • Pen: Here's the thing, Eraser, I don't know who to form an alliance with in the next contest. I've got Death PACT Again, and then there's Winner. Or, of course, I could always go with you, y'know, 'cause Ma always said families always stay together. By golly, I'm a lucky guy!
  • Eraser: [lying on the ground] Oy, you could at least give me a warning before you go on about how popular you are. Better yet, tell me when you're done.
  • Pen: I'm done.
  • Eraser: [getting up] Gaah, finally!
  • Pen: You've found the strength to get up! Nice going!
  • Eraser: Before you tell me it's because you stopped talking, it's not. It's because I was lazy.
  • Pen: Come on, Rase, as páme. [Subtitles: "Let's go."]
  • Eraser: I'm way ahead of you, Socrates. Hut hut hut hut hut hut hut...

[Eraser runs up the stairs. TV gets up.]

  • Pen: Hiya, TV!
  • TV: I'm going up too! [playing the same footage of Eraser] Hut hut hut hut hut hut hut...
  • Pen: Well, at least I'm in good company... [looks around and sees that he's alone] Or not. [to himself] Okay, Pen, the teams are gone, you might be in last place and you could be an eliminated man next episode. Curse word, you've got to be strong, champ. [Beat.] But maybe it'd be better if you closed your eyes first.

Staircase[]

  • TV: ♫ Do-do-do, do, doo-doo-doo! ♫
  • Pen: Out of my tropos, I need my horos! [Subtitles: "manner", "area"]

[TV falls down the stairs again.]

  • TV: Ow, that's the second time today! Is that how it is, you suddenly turn into a big jerk as soon as the teams disappear?
  • Pen: [stops] Oh, gosh. I am so sorry, TV. I was literally not looking where I was going.

[He helps TV up.]

  • Pen: Are you okay?
  • TV: That depends. Am I cracked?
  • Pen: You're looking cool to me! [does the "finger guns"]
  • TV: Okay. It wasn't that bad; I'm still working.
  • Pen: Can I... get you anything? I'll buy you a coffee at the hotel restaurant, for sure.
  • TV: No, I don't think—
  • Pen: Teevs, you haven't lived until you've had Him Tortons.
  • TV: I just want one thing.
  • Pen: Anything for you, buddy!
  • TV: Can you get me to the top of Two's hotel so I don't get eliminated? [Beat.] Though a coffee would be nice, too.
  • Pen: I knew it!

Inside the elevator[]

  • Golf Ball: "I have always believed in your competence", "I thank you for repairing this elevator", and "You're all orange".
  • Basketball: Is it the first one?
  • Golf Ball: No, the last one.
  • Basketball: Oh yeah, I'm not orange.
  • Golf Ball: Next in this round of "Two Truths and a Lie", Tennis Ball!
  • Basketball: Wait, wait a minute, Golf Ball. Are you saying you've always believed in me?
  • Golf Ball: According to the new me, I have. I cannot speak for myself before last year.
  • Tennis Ball: She likes to retcon.
  • Basketball: Eh, I still feel good. But we've been in here for a long time; I'm starting to think this whole elevator idea was a mistake!
  • Tennis Ball: Considering how few people check into this hotel, this elevator must not have been used for years.
  • Golf Ball: But don't forget: The lift came with the hotel when Two magicked it out of the ground. It's safer to say that it has not been used at all.
  • Basketball: Spoooooooookyyyyy.

Roof[]

  • Bomby: Balls, hit me with your best shot!
  • Marker: Now I lay me down to sleep.
  • Eraser: Get up, Marker!
  • Fanny: I hate exhortations!
  • Two: [to the contestants] This is your fault for not coming up here in time!
  • Saw: [Aside, to Gaty.] Our fault?

[A ding from the elevator.]

  • Two: Wow! It's the first time that sound has been heard before!

[No one speaks, as they know they will be eliminated.]

  • Clock: As I have now been informed, three contestants are riding the suddenly available lift and two are fraternizing in the stairwell. And before anyone accuses me of talking to Two, I'm not. I'm soliloquizing.
  • Winner: But why?
  • Clock: Oh... I thought I could lighten the mood by saying something ominous.
  • Coiny: Is it working?
  • Donut: I don't think so... although I suddenly feel a surge of tension.
  • Naily: It's time!

[The door to the elevator opens. Out come Golf Ball, Tennis Ball and Basketball.]

  • Basketball: Are we in last place, guys?
  • Robot Flower: Almost!
  • Golf Ball: Almost is still not good enough.
  • Tennis Ball: Why, who are we missing?

Post-contest (and a reveal)[]

Roof[]

  • Pen: We're here!
  • Two: Who are you talking to, boy?

[Pen is about to say something, but the other contestants make "no" gestures, fearing that he might be eliminated on the spot for running his mouth. Startled, he joins the others and sits down with TV.]

  • Two: That's what I thought.

[All the conversations resume.]

  • Eraser: Wow, Pen. You're wearing out-of-style glasses and you have a cup of coffee from Shōhacks.
  • Puffball: You look like a total hipster.
  • Eraser: Suddenly I don't want to associate with you. /hj
  • Pen: They didn't have any Himmies at the hotel resto.
  • TV: We were hustled.
  • Eraser: Damn.
  • Two: Okay, everyone. Due to my superior counting skills, I can see that all the contestants are up here!

[Silence.]

  • Two: That means you can talk to me again! Yay!
  • Clock: I hate you, Two.
  • Fanny: I do too!
  • Two: Fanny, please go to where the other eliminated contestants are standing. I will now start sending you off one by one, starting from whoever had collected the fewest balls in this rejoining competition.
  • Snowball: So it was a rejoining competition!
  • Two: Obviously! What did you think it was, the Lake Disturbed Olympics?
  • Lightning: I told him and he just didn't listen.
  • Fanny: [in the back] Typical SB!

[A tile opens. No one falls through.]

  • Pin: What was that, Two?
  • Two: Oh. It was meant to be Ice Cube's tile, but she shattered the moment the first ball came.
  • Basketball: So that's why I can only see half of Eggy!
  • Robot Flower: RIP, skinny legend.

[Half of Eggy falls through. I think she is dead. This is followed by Rocky, Fanny, Foldy, Yellow Face, Bell, Pie, Cake, Grassy and Marker... These falls happen such a quick succession that no one has time to react.]

  • Nickel: Oh no, Cloudy, Rocky won't make it in!
  • Cloudy: I think he's in a better place.

[Two looks at Cloudy.]

  • Cloudy: Not that I would know.

[Bottle falls through.]

  • Bottle: Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

[Pillow falls through.]

  • Remote: Not Pillow.
  • Book: She's such a strategic player!

[Bomby falls through. Half of the contestants cheer in excitement—Fries is left.]

  • Naily: Oh my gosh, Bomby!
  • Price Tag: He's #2!
  • Two: Did someone say my name?

[Silence.]

  • Fries: What are you looking at me like that for?
  • Two: Fries, welcome to the competition... again!
  • Puffball: Fries is here? This might be the greatest day ever! Ik wil je omhelzen! [Subtitles: "I want to hug you!"]

[They embrace.]

  • Fries: No one else saw that.
  • Gaty: Would you like pictures? /j
  • Two: Now that you're here, Fries, you get to watch me scramble the contestants!
  • Fries: What's that?

[Once again, Two uses their powers to arrange all the contestants in a neat little pattern. For the outside viewer, the contestants are now in a vague alphabetical order.]

  • Two: I have now arranged you in alphabetical order in accordance with the Arabic alphabet.[2]
  • Saw: [looks around] Cool! I'm still سا! [pronounced "Sā"]
  • Clock: Not that I'm complaining, but why did you do this, Two?
  • Price Tag: Yeah, why Arabic?
  • Two: Because... I... ♫ CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
  • Basketball: Now that's a fair reason.
  • Two: Barf Bag... Black Hole... Pin... Tennis Ball... Gaty... Remote... Cloudy... Lightning... Naily. I want you to look at the person on your left. [they do so] And now I want you to look at the person on your right. [they do so]
  • Golf Ball: This activity is pointless. Why would Gaty look at me?
  • Gaty: 'Cause you're interesting to look at, Golf Ball.
  • Two: Depending on where you stand in the Arabic alphabet, I have divided you all into nine groups of three.

[Everyone gasps.]

  • Book: You don't mean these are our new teams, do you?
  • Two: No, no, heavens, no!
  • Cloudy: Good.
  • Clock: Cloudy, I thought what we had was special!
  • Cloudy: You, I don't mind. It's Snowball I don't want to be in a team with.

[Snowball grabs Cloudy.]

  • Snowball: What did you say?!

[Two claps twice.]

  • Two: [calmly] I want you to close your eyes and remember when the people next to you were competing. Did they do well? Did they do badly?
  • Pin: The guy right next to me did badly.
  • Tree: He got last place.

[Silence.]

  • Pen: You're talking about me, right?
  • Tree: No, Pen, I'm talking about the Sudanese ice hockey team. /s
  • Two: Now I want you to find out the average ranking of all the people in your group of three. What do you get?
  • Puffball: I don't know.
  • Snowball: We're not all good with numbers!
  • TV: 19.33.
  • Tennis Ball: I got the same thing.
  • Two: And do you know which three-person combination got the lowest average score?
  • TV: Eraser, Barf Bag and Basketball got 22.33rd place.
  • Eraser: Huh?
  • Basketball: How is that possible?
  • Barf Bag: Well, we lost.

Voting screen[]

  • Two: Vote in the comments using the letter and square brackets for who you don't want to be eliminated! Vote for who you want to stay! The person with the fewest votes will leave the show!

[Roll credits.]

Stinger (That's what I'm calling it now)[]

Back of the hotel[]

  • Tree: ♫ Hey there, Georgy girl... ♫ [Pause.] Come on, it's our favourite song! [Pause.] Yeah. Hey, it's what, 7:00 there? [Pause.] I know, I should be sleeping now. I'm very sorry for that, by the way. You're practically an adult now, and I admit that I was too strict. [Pause.] Yes, I shouldn't have disguised myself as Match wearing Gelatin while you were out with Graeme. [Pause.] D'you forgive me? [Pause.] "Only if you win the power of Two", crikey, Georgia! [Pause.] Obviously it was a jo—listen, I've got to go. There are people behind me.

[While this happens, the camera zooms out to show almost all the other contestants (and even recommended characters) queueing up to call their loved ones.]

  • Tree: Okay, I'll talk to you later. [Pause.] I miss you! [Pause.] Love you too. Goodbye. [hangs up]

EXIT[]

  • Roboty: That's cute. Why doesn't anyone ring here?
  • 8-Ball: Because we are too repulsive to get any callers.
  • Match: Um, like, no. It's because there are no, like, phones in this EXIT.
  • Dora: Dadadadadadadadadadadada. [Subtitles: "For once, Match is correct."]
  • Stapy: Can we have a moment to talk about Foldy?
  • Firey Jr.: Gross, no!
  • Stapy: [ignoring him] She just looks so... different. What happened to her eyebrows? They're all thin and unnatural![3]
  • Match: As a, like, fashion person, I agree. You see those a lot on the people there!
  • Pencil: Oiiiiih, enough talking about eyebrows; what's happened to Pen?
  • Match: What about him?
  • Pencil: His glasses, he looks like he's going to serenade me with "The White Rose of Athens".
  • Match: Oh, they're not that bad.
  • Pencil: Maybe you're right. Yeah, they make him look like I want to take all his lunch money, but as I make my great escape, I find that he's got a much more dominant side as an alpha object who absolutely will not take no for an answer!
  • Match: Omg, Penc-penc, you're fantasasizizing again.
  • Firey Jr.: Stop it.
  • Pencil: I see no objection to fantasizing, in moderation.
  • Stapy: You people are so judgemental. If Liy were here, she'd—
  • Pencil: If Liy were here, she'd be judging everyone harder than 8-Ball in a freezer.
  • 8-Ball: That has happened before.
  • Stapy: Sure, Pencil, but she'd keep it to herself. [sigh] Do we know where Liy is, anyway?
  • Bracelety: Ummm...

[Jump cut to Liy travelling through different backgrounds and dimensions.]

  • Liy: Where am I, anyway?
THE END

Deleted scenes[]

  • At the beginning of the episode, Black Hole was going to mention that he came from space and is disappointed at how rare trips to the moon have become. It was cut for time.
  • Eggy was going to appear in the EXIT, watching the pre-credits scene and getting jealous that Coiny and Pin got to see their children. This was scrapped because all the contestants were talking at the same time; she couldn't possibly have picked it up, especially on a '70s-quality television set.
  • Before Cake at Stake:

Two: Welcome to a new act, new you, new y... I can't be bothered to think of another word that begins with "Y" right now.
Yellow Face: New "yopportunity"!

  • When the contest is announced:

Two: If you fall down, you have to start all over again!
Lightning: Oh gosh. On the one hand, I'm well grateful that we have the opportunity to go back down, but on the other hand, the danger of having to start all over again terrifies me to no end!
Book: Don't worry, Lightning, there's no way any of this can be your fault this time!
Remote: That's right. You know the rules and so do I.
[Two's platform continues to get higher and higher.]
Golf Ball: Two, is there anything you want to say before you become inaudible?
Basketball: Yeah, maybe you should say it now so we don't have to start a mutiny against you later.

  • Black Hole to Tree:

Black Hole: This is the best alternative to a lift there is.
Tree: Whatever.

  • The eliminated contestants were to be seen in a complete competition scene, while those still in raced to the hotel roof. This became a "behind a glass window" kind of mini-contest because I thought it was confusing for readers to imagine two things happening at the same time... one of which involved about thirty players in vastly different locations.
  • Needle was going to "congratulate" Clock on his marriage by saying that he would totally lose at Queries for Couples (a Victorious reference!).
  • When TV asks Pen if he is cracked, Pen was going to compliment him by saying, "Can't break mirrors with a face like that!" Wouldn't that be referring to whatever the mirror's looking at (as opposed to the mirror itself)?
  • After getting off the elevator:

Golf Ball: Never underestimate the power of vertical conveyance!

  • During the double contest, Two was going to appear behind a glass screen and Debbie Reynolds (who was to make an appearance as The Singing Nun in this episode) was going to tell the contestants that she had been trying to get Two's attention, but alas, she can't. No one seems to question her presence, considering the fact that the community of Earth objects is diverse enough.
    • Unfortunately, all scenes with Debbie Reynolds (including one where she hatches from a large green egg covered in faux fur)[4] had to be cut due to time constraints.
  • At the end of the competition, Two was going to arrange the contestants in alphabetical order in English, rather than the object language of their choice. (I changed it because I did not want to eliminate anyone on the losing team, between Pen, Pin and Price Tag... nope!) Thus this line was going to be spoken:

Nickel: [standing between Needle and Pen] Oh great, now I feel tiny.

  • At the end of the episode, Two was going to tell a contestant that the reason this episode's contest was what it was (the same contest as TPOT 1) is because the episode coming after it includes a very special number.

Notes[]

  1. ... is Tree's stepson.
  2. Me, a few days ago: *googles Arabization of names*
  3. A line imported from the real-life version (with humans instead of objects). It still makes sense here; you can change the width of a line (i.e., an eyebrow) on Flash/Adobe Animate.
  4. The egg was made of fur, not D.R.

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