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"Oh, I Don't Know" is the second part of the non-canon fifteenth episode of TPOT by Jacknjellify. It was released on 9 March 1978. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 15 (or even TPOT 2) comes out. During the creation process, this episode was known as "Calling Occupants (Of Other-Object-Showy Craft)".

Previous episode: "Can You Tell Me?"
Next episode: "Stewards of the Scenery"

Cold open[]

[A black screen. The same dialogue from the previous episode can be heard.]

  • Needle: Is her mouth opening?
  • Robot Flower: Let's throw dirt into it! She needs to get a taste of Earth anyway.
  • Basketball: As if breathing our polluted atmosphere wasn't enough.

[Iris-shaped wipe, a bit like in BFB 6. Only Pentadiplandra Brazzeana is on screen.]

  • Eggy: Well?
  • Basketball: Do you, um, have anything to say?

[Silence.]

  • Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: TuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

[The intro plays.]

Contest, continued[]

Outside on the field[]

The Strongest Team on Earth[]

  • Basketball: Two? What about 'em?
  • Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: [with a lisp] No, I mean "Tu", as in "Thank you!" That's how we say it on my part of the planet.
  • Basketball: Wow, that's really interesting.
  • Tennis Ball: You've got your own language and all!
  • Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: I wanted to thank that fellow— [points to Grassy] He's the first person I've ever met who said my name right on the first try!
  • Eggy: Aw, I feel like I've done something.
  • Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: But just so I'm not dreaming, can one of you say it again?
  • Basketball: Sure!
  • Grassy: Your name is Pentadiplandra Brazzeana!
  • Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: Yes!
  • Robot Flower: So you're a Phalalien, eh?
  • Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: As true as the sky is green.
  • Tennis Ball: I've heard so much about your world! I'm Tennis Ball, but you can call me TB.
  • Robot Flower: I'm Robot Flower and this is Eggy.
  • Eggy: Hi.
  • Basketball: And I'm Basketball. The little guy on my head, the one that said your name, that's Grassy.
  • Eggy: He's... Grassy.
  • Grassy: I'm graminaceous!

[Beat.]

  • Grassy: And this is Needy!

[Needle slaps Grassy.]

  • Needle: Don't call me Needy!

[Pentadiplandra Brazzeana gasps.]

  • Needle: I'm sorry, that was quite rude on my end.
  • Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: No, it wasn't! You engage in Insistent Terminology too!
  • Needle: I do? [Aside.] What's that?
  • Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: Y- you don't like being called that name, just like I don't like my name being abbreviated!
  • Eggy: Aw, does that mean we can't call you PB, Pentadiplandra or Pen?
  • Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: No, no and why, oh, why would you confuse me for that yutz?
  • Needle: You know him?
  • Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: I know of him. Walk with me, crew, 'cause you don't know the half of what else goes on in my world...

[The Strongest Team on Earth follow Pentadiplandra Brazzeana, who has gained the confidence to lead them.]

  • Robot Flower: Are you getting this down, Basketball?
  • Basketball: [suddenly holding a clipboard] Every other word.

The S![]

[The S! are almost walking in circles.]

  • Clock: I feel like someone's said my name. Somewhere.
  • Winner: What makes you think that?
  • Clock: I don't know. I just sense it.
  • Gaty: Oh, enough with that mumbo jumbo, Clock; just admit that we're lost.
  • Clock: We're not really lost. We are just waiting for one of those alien things to reach us.
  • Saw: But why would they come here?
  • Clock: I'm easy to talk to. Right, guys?

[At once, Gaty breaks into a fit of laughter. Saw follows, as does Winner, awkwardly.]

  • Gaty: Aaaah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
  • Saw: You're hilarious, Clock!
  • Gaty: This is funnier than the exorcism scene from that movie!
  • Clock: Well, fine. Laugh all you want, because I'm pretty sure a Fruituit alien will show up in ten seconds.
  • Gaty: [still laughing] Sure, Clock, and if a Fruituit does appear in the next ten seconds, I'll buy you a—

[Shequasar appears out of nowhere.]

  • Gaty: Drink.
  • Clock: Make it mineral water. I don't do the heavy stuff.

[In true BFDI fashion, the team make the generic screaming noise.]

  • Shequasar: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Wait. Why am I screaming? I am a police officer! I am meant to be a bulwark of strength in a deteriorating fruit community, the cornerstone of law and order, the upholder of the rules for as long as our Phala shall stand!

[Gaty yawns in the background.]

  • Clock: Hey. Shequasar, isn't it?
  • Shequasar: Yes, sir.
  • Clock: I'm Clock, they're Winner, and that's all you need to know.

[He smirks at Gaty and Saw.]

  • Clock: I like your attitude. Walk with me, Shequasar. You too, Winner!
  • Winner: M'kay.
  • Clock: And let's talk.
  • Saw: But what about us?
  • Clock: The next time we talk is at the vending machine. [Aside, deep voice.] Yeahhhhh.

[Beat.]

  • Gaty: [Aside, to Saw.] Cringe.

Just Not and Death PACT Again[]

[Naily and the rest of her team are now chasing Rough Lemon to the sound of disco music—he is playing the radio after all.]

  • Naily: Come on, dude! We want to follow you!
  • Price Tag: Don't run off like a— [chicken emoticon]

[They run into Death PACT Again.]

  • Just Not: Whoa!
  • Book: Oh, hi, Deathagainners! Sorry about the Black Hole thing.
  • Remote: He will surely be missed. What a king.
  • Price Tag: Not to downplay the gravity of a fellow contestant's death, but why are you standing in our way?
  • Tree: If it's okay with you, we'd like to take Rough Lemon with us.
  • Book: Rough lemon? Isn't that some kind of fan fiction?
  • Tree: We know what it is. [blushes]
  • Lightning: Tee hee!
  • Remote: Anyway, it is our team's duty to interview this guy.
  • Book: You can't be so sure!
  • Cake: We were so close!
  • Nickel: This is just like fishing.
  • Naily: Come on, team, let's go look for somebody else.

[The team walk off, disappointed. With Death PACT Again...]

  • Fanny: I hate spontaneous interviews!
  • Tree: So, this is going to sound really wrong, er, Rough Lemon, but you've nowhere to run.
  • Remote: You are ours.
  • Rough Lemon [sigh] I've been caught in my tracks, trapped, captured and completely imprisoned.
  • Tree: Caught? Why?
  • Rough Lemon: Because I am a fruit that is naturally inclined to run free in the wild, unlike you Earthlings. I also have to cope with being hunted down by hordes of admirers on my home planet. They want me, they want me, I say!
  • Tree: You're starting to sound like a guy I know.
  • Lightning: But what's with the running here? We're good people.
  • Fanny: I hate generalizations!
  • Rough Lemon: I don't know. It's just the thought of surrounding myself with a bunch of people I am unfamiliar with, including a few people I do recognize but don't want to talk to, it's all very, very, scary. Can't believe I'm telling you this at our first meeting, but I've quite a lot of performance anxiety that is so common in shows of this nature.
  • Fanny: I hate fear!
  • Lightning: Yeah, that, that sucks. I know what it's like to be afraid.
  • Tree: Well, don't worry, because we'll try to be as nice as possible.
  • Rough Lemon: Really? That's amazing; I've never felt this happy since I watched The Ladies Object. Oh, by the way, the name—in case you haven't noticed—is Rough Lemon.
  • Remote: Then this is our guy for sure.
  • Tree: Indeed. So... [grabbing his clipboard] tell us more about yourself.

[They all sit down, with Tree closest to Rough Lemon.]

  • Rough Lemon: Well, I was born in Fruitrida (that's in the United States of Phala, by the way)...

Are You Okay[]

[Camera pan to this team. Eraser has been watching DPA interview Rough Lemon through a pair of binoculars while the others continue to search.]

  • Golf Ball: Come on, Eraser! We have to find an extraterrestrial at whom to talk!
  • Eraser: In a minute.
  • Pen: What are you looking at?
  • Eraser: Totally not Tree talking to another guy. /s [Beat.] Don't be jealous, bro.
  • Pen: I'm not jealous! Tree can talk to anyone he wants. Now hand me the binocs.
  • Golf Ball: Are You Okay!
  • Pen: Yes, it's all good here.
  • Golf Ball: Be good in this direction, because I see something moving behind the bushes.
  • TV: Why is everyone's go-to hiding spot in the bushes?
  • Puffball: My guess is that they haven't built the world's biggest fridge yet.

[Puffball removes some of the plants with her mouth to reveal who is hiding behind the bush.]

  • Cloudy: Nice job, Puffball.
  • Puffball: [to the stranger] Who are you?

[Loquat is the one hiding behind the bushes. He is meditating and does not pay attention to the team finding him.]

  • Loquat: Oh, I don't know. Who are you?
  • Golf Ball: I'm Golf Ball, and these are people I call teammates.
  • Loquat: Right. I'd know you from anywhere, Mrs. Ball. As for the rest of you, I'll go out on a limb and guess for the moment. I don't really feel like meeting new people right now.
  • Eraser: This mean you don't want to be interviewed?
  • Loquat: I don't want to, no.
  • Pen: Well, it's A-okay if you don't want to talk now, but remember, if you'd like someone to vent to, about anything, we'll be around.

[Pen pats Loquat on the back. Loquat says nothing. Perhaps he is taken by surprise.]

  • Pen: Oh, and take this. You might need it, buddy.

[He takes the newspaper out from under his cap and hands it over to Loquat, who looks too surprised even to grab it.]

  • Golf Ball: Please excuse the capped one; his people have no concept of personal space.

[Eraser, Puffball and TV look at Golf Ball disapprovingly, while Pen and Cloudy look confused.]

  • Golf Ball: And... that is why the intersection between culture and proxemics needs to be acknowledged and respected. [Aside.] Better?
  • Eraser: If you have to ask, mm, no.
  • Golf Ball: Gadzooks!

Hotel lobby[]

The S![]

[The four members of The S!, i.e. Clock, Gaty, Saw and Winner, are sitting at a table on the darker side of the hotel restaurant adjacent to the lobby. Saw and Gaty are drinking apple juice (again), while Clock and Winner are chatting over a nice bottle of mineral water (because safe drinking water is not accessible in many parts of the world). Winner is holding a clipboard on one finger and a pencil in the other, which they use to write the commentary for the contest. Shequasar is drinking milk.]

  • Shequasar: Got milk! Boo-yah!
  • Winner: You say it like it's the strongest thing around.
  • Shequasar: Oh, but it is, at least where I come from. On our planet, you have to be 99 or older to even get a sip of that.
  • Winner: Wow. On this planet, we even give babies milk.
  • Shequasar: No.
  • Winner: Mm, it's true.
  • Clock: If you don't mind my asking, Shequasar, how old are you, exactly?
  • Shequasar: I am 99.
  • Clock: Ah.
  • Shequasar: Minus 69.

[Gaty and Saw titter in the background.]

  • Clock: [suspicious] Wait, but you're drinking that, and you're not even old enough. Won't you get in trouble with your police department?
  • Shequasar: Extraterritorial rights, yeah!
  • Clock: Well, at least you don't have what they've got. [indicates Gaty and Saw]
  • Saw: Who, us?
  • Gaty: [loopily] Hi, Clock!
  • Shequasar: What is that? It looks exotic.
  • Clock: Those two have a fondness for apple juice.
  • Shequasar: Say, that's illegal where I come from! They shouldn't be drinking that at all.
  • Winner: Oh, they're fine.
  • Gaty: Want some?
  • Saw: It's immacul8!
  • Shequasar: No, thanks. I don't do that peer pressure stuff.
  • Clock: Well, I can say that we're learning a lot about your world. Please, tell us more!

Outside[]

Cold Woe Bunch[]

[The members of this team have managed to get Acerola as the person they are to be interviewing. Barf Bag holds the clipboard]

  • Acerola: This is so exciting! My first interview and it's not for a broadcasting company!
  • Donut: Interesting fact: This was almost going to be a normal day until you all crash-landed on our planet.
  • Acerola: Why is that interesting? We crash-land all the time. My friend's great-times-sixty ancestors were responsible for that thing in Phalalien Russia 54 years ago. Made such a big boom, but no one noticed!
  • Yellow Face: Fascinating!
  • Pin: They never saw what was coming, heh.
  • Donut: Oh, um, are you talking about the Tunguska Event?
  • Acerola: You know it?
  • Donut: It's in every object history book! But... isn't that a bit more than 54 years ago?
  • Acerola: Not the way I remember it. When the sixties began a few years ago, they kind of changed the...
  • Coiny: Um, wait. Acy, what year do you think it is?
  • Acerola: The last time I checked—and that was after months on our spaceship—it was the 17th of December, 1962.
  • Coiny: 1962, huh? You know, I was in BFDI back then!
  • Pin: That's right. You spent Christmas in the TLC because you were just eliminated.

[Acerola looks confused.]

  • Barf Bag: [explaining] Those two are obsessed with their past in BFDI.
  • Pin: Not me. Just him.
  • Coiny: I am!
  • Acerola: Oh yeah, BFDI. We were watching that on our way to this planet. It's—I mean, was—on its twelfth episode!
  • Coiny: Hey! I got eliminated in that episode!
  • Pin: And I watched.
  • Acerola: I'm assuming that the series is done filming, right? If so, no spoilers, please; I don't want to know who wins Dream Island!

[Everyone makes a breathing-in noise that goes "ffffp".]

  • Donut: Acerola... you're on the set of The Power of Two right now. BFDI is in its fifth season and it's currently 1977.[1]

[Acerola's eyes grow so large that they almost fall off her face.]

  • Acerola: What.

The Strongest Team on Earth[]

  • Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: Aw, come on, you can't tell me? Are you, like, sworn to secrecy or something?
  • Tennis Ball: No, we just think it'd be much better if you let BFDI surprise you itself!
  • Basketball: Yeah, I don't think people ask for spoilers without regretting it afterwards.
  • Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: But I want to be spoiled! Please?
  • Eggy: You drive a hard bargain, Pentadiplandra Brazzeana.
  • Grassy: Grassy will spoil!
  • Basketball: Go ahead, Grassy.
  • Grassy: Firey won.
  • Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: I knew it! It was so obvious!
  • Needle: Oh my Earthling, how?
  • Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: In episode 1, he was the first person to run up when the Announcer was talking![2]
  • Tennis Ball: Pentadiplandra Brazzeana, you can't get cataract surgery with that foresight!

[Silence.]

  • Tennis Ball: That was a bad joke.
  • Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: What about you, Tennis Ball? Since Firey won Dream Island—
  • Needle: Under terms and conditions...
  • Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: What place did you end up in?
  • Tennis Ball: Oh, well, let's recall the order of elimination after your time.
  • Needle: He's good at this stuff.
  • Eggy: Haha, nerd. [Beat.] Love you, TB thing.
  • Tennis Ball: You forget that one nerd can make it further than five not-so-bright popular kids. Case in point: I was eliminated after Snowball, and after that, Match, Eraser, Pen and Blocky.
  • Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: Congratulations to geekdom! You know, I want to make it that far in my own show, but I can't.
  • Basketball: Why? What's the situation with the show you're on?
  • Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: Are you writing this down?
  • Basketball: "Write" as rain. /j
  • Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: Yeeeet! Anyway, I overheard a conversation between Pomegranate—that's the guy who runs our show—and he was talking to this really fancy TV guy, and it was about how our show might get cancelled.
  • Grassy: Cancellation? Grassy is here to protect!

[Basketball pats Grassy's head.]

  • Basketball: Gosh, that's awful!
  • Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: I think right now, I'm still the only one who knows about this, and I can't just tell anyone or I'll get in trouble. They might even throw me out of the show!
  • Needle: Oh, that's right.
  • Basketball: Access to backstage information is much more restricted on other planets.
  • Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: Exactly. [sigh] I just wish there was something, something I could do to stop Total Fruituits from being cancelled.
  • Needle: Oh dear, oh my, oh no!
  • Robot Flower: Needle, have a heart!
  • Needle: I did. Sarcasm's my default tone of voice now.
  • Robot Flower: Oops! Carry on, Pentadiplandra Brazzeana!
  • Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: Oh, please don't tell anyone about this, please?
  • Eggy: Now your problem seems like a really big one, and a really big one indeed. But I think there's one solution that can make everyone happy.
  • Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: What's that?
  • Eggy: Your secret will be safe with The Strongest Team on Earth, if...
  • Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: Yes?
  • Eggy: If you spoil the ending of BFDI to all your alien fruit friends.
  • Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: Wait, you don't mean...

[Eggy nods.]

  • Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: That's bad. I love it! I'm going to tell everyone your secret that's not really a secret any more on your planet, and I'm going to keep my secret that will stay a secret on my planet! Everyone wins!

[Pentadiplandra Brazzeana runs off, excited.]

  • Tennis Ball: Except for the people getting spoiled.
  • Basketball: Why'd you suggest that, Eggy?
  • Eggy: I wanted some excitement in this challenge. I was about to fall asleep here! [Basketball giggles at this.]

Are You Okay[]

[The members of Are You Okay sit in front of the bush waiting for Loquat to say something. Golf Ball is sat between Eraser and Pen on one side, and Puffball, Cloudy and TV on the other. She does not look amused.]

  • Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: [in the background] By the power of spoilaaaaage!
  • Cloudy: Life on The S! wasn't so bad. It's like you're in your own little country.
  • Puffball: A dictatorship?
  • Cloudy: More like there's always a Révolution going on, except les jacobins are on both sides.
  • TV: Damn. And I thought we had it hard.
  • Eraser: [to Pen, who has a very neutral expression] Bro, you've been staring at Tree for, like, ten minutes. Everything okay?
  • Pen: Now what exactly does he see in him?
  • Eraser: Who, Rough Lemon? Man, I think they're just pals.
  • Pen: This is treason!
  • Golf Ball: No, that would be Tree and you. [Beat.] Hey, I said something funny! I think an ace comedian can make it in this world! As the juvenile delinquents say, "up top", Eraser!

[Golf Ball raises her leg. Eraser lowers it and she returns to her bored pose.]

  • Eraser: Golf Ball, have you been out in the hot sun too long?
  • Pen: I think I'd like a nice little chat with this fella. See if he's any good for him.
  • Eraser: You're not even in a relationship with— Pen, don't.

[Pen gets up and starts to walk over.]

  • Eraser: Dude, you're making a big mistake. I know you think Tree's your special guy, but don't forget that fifteen girls said the same thing about you in '69.

[Pause.]

  • Pen: [through gritted teeth] I'll be nice, swear on Ma's grave. I won't be a big ol' baciagaloop.

[Pen walks off.]

  • Eraser: [Aside, to Golf Ball.] He means a bigger baciagaloop than he already is. /j
  • Golf Ball: Oy vey.

Death PACT Again[]

[Tree is now writing on the back side of the paper, as he has been recording Rough Lemon's words in great detail. Lightning and Fanny are in the background, playing patty-cake with their arms/legs.]

  • Rough Lemon: Yes, the community's very tight-knit.
  • Tree: Oh, that's right. It's still the sixties there. Yeah, everybody hates each other now; it's a real chiz-storm.
  • Rough Lemon: That's too bad. When we get to that point on Phala, I'll make it my duty to preach love.
  • Tree: There you have it.
  • Fanny: [listening in] I hate that!

[Enter Pen with a half-smile that you don't know if it's real or not.]

  • Tree: Er, howdy.
  • Pen: Hello, everybody.
  • Lightning: Sonny Bono gorno![3]
  • Pen: [stifling a laugh] Yeah.
  • Tree: I'd like you to meet... [blushes] Oh, I can't even speak right now.
  • Rough Lemon: Rough Lemon.
  • Lightning: It's funny, because I think Tree and Pen used to—
  • Fanny: Shut.
  • Rough Lemon: Well, it's nice to meet you.
  • Pen: Always a pleasure to meet someone new, eh?

[He offers his hand.]

  • Rough Lemon: Oh, you didn't know? On our planet, the standard greeting is to lick each other's bodies. The moister we end up, the closer we get.
  • Pen: [his eyes get big] Ummm, I know a number of people who'd be into that, but people say I'm far too vanilla for this. I'm, I'm going to go now and pretend this conversation never happened, ciao!

[He walks backwards towards where his team is.]

  • Tree: Pen, stay!
  • Rough Lemon: Wait. You're the Pen this guy keeps talking about?

[Pen stops.]

  • Pen: I'm listening.
  • Rough Lemon: You're the one that calmed Tree down after his second emotional trough.
  • Tree: Oh yeah, this is Pen. My... friend.
  • Rough Lemon: Goodness, you look even better here than on BFDI.[4]
  • Pen: Thanks, bud, that really means a lot.

[He gives his now-characteristic smile.]

  • Rough Lemon: I- I was just kidding about the whole "licking other people as a greeting" thing; we shake hands or feet or bow just like anyone on your planet does.
  • Pen: Phew, that's good to hear.

[Pen and Rough Lemon shake, Pen a bit more aggressively than usual.]

  • Rough Lemon: You have nice hands.
  • Pen: Okay, alright, I'm staying.

[They all sit down.]

  • Fanny: I hate that sentence! Sounds like it comes from a cringy F-rated fan fiction.
  • Lightning: But Fanny, you haven't even got hands.
  • Fanny: And I hate it!
  • Rough Lemon: You know, the people of Phala are known for being extremely blunt.
  • Tree: I bet they are...

Are You Okay[]

[Everyone is in the same position as they were before. Eraser smiles to himself as he sees what's going on with Death PACT Again. Just Not can be seen in the background, moping about for a few seconds until Rose Hipt appears. She takes the clipboard out of Book's hands and starts scribbling hastily on it.]

  • Eraser: [to Golf Ball] Oh, brother. So much for the third degree.
  • Loquat: I am ready to talk now!

[Cloudy, Eraser, Golf Ball, Puffball and TV turn around at the same time.]

  • Puffball: Oh. Loquat.
  • TV: Did you finish reading that newspaper?
  • Loquat: It is extremely interesting. And I've so many comments about it.
  • Eraser: Fire away, then.
  • Loquat: Well, if you don't mind, I should rather talk to that nice guy that gave me the paper in the fir—
  • Golf Ball: Pen! Get the Sheol over here and talk to Lollipop right now!
  • Eraser: He won't listen; he's with his Death Preventers. And "Sheol", really?
  • Golf Ball: It sounds less abrupt to use that instead of "hell".
  • Eraser: It really doesn't. [to Loquat] I'm sorry she got your name wrong... and that he's not coming.
  • Loquat: It's fine. I changed my mind within seconds. I've realized that I'd rather talk to a mean person, like that golf ball. [Golf Ball gasps.] After all, it is the only thing I am used to.
  • Cloudy: But I thought you came from a planet of fruits, not of golf balls.
  • Loquat: No, you don't understand. Everybody I've come into contact with since I joined this show has been exceedingly cruel to me.
  • Puffball: Aw, why's that?
  • Loquat: Nobody in my part of Phala understands where I come from. Even the other contestants think that I am weird and do not deserve to be treated like the rest of them. When they talk to me, they use slow words, and when I try to say how I really feel, they make me say, "Oh, I don't know; who are you?" whilst I pretend to meditate as they expect me to do! Even the nice ones talk to me as though I am a child, when I am in fact so much older than them by many generations! And it is totally sad! How can one be so happy living in a world full of negativity and prejudice?

[A view of most of Are You Okay, with expressions ranging from completely neutral (Cloudy, TV) to mildly sad (Eraser, Puffball). Then there is Golf Ball, who looks like she is constipated.]

  • Loquat: Um, are you okay?
  • Almost everyone: Yes!
  • Golf Ball: I'm.. not! Büüüüü-hüü-hüü-hüü-hüüüü!

[Golf Ball cries, but no tears come out.]

  • Eraser: And this is why you don't cry.
  • Golf Ball: [voice quivering] I'm... sorry! I shouldn't have said all those mean things, to anyone, ever!

[Puffball and TV pog.]

  • Golf Ball: All I wanted was for everyone to be like me, all superior in challenges and stuff... and I was... I was...
  • Eraser: Wrong, GB?
  • Golf Ball: Mwi-hihihihihih! I cannot believe it took me this long to realize how terribly I have been treating my... teammates, my... friends, my... people!
  • Puffball: I think this calls for a celebration.
  • TV: She has finally seen the light.
  • Golf Ball: Nay, celebrate me not. This has been a gruelling journey in which my prejudices and stereotypes have been highly dissected. I need not be rewarded for something which should have been done sooner. Ne-yeeeeeeh!
  • Eraser: Okay, we'll have a party, but you're not invited. [Beat.] Just kidding. You're a teammate; you're coming.
  • Golf Ball: Will- will there be bran flakes?
  • Eraser: You can have all the frickin' bran flakes you want.
  • Golf Ball: God bless you all. I am going to the bathroom to see if any actual tears came out. Mbiiiieeeeeeh!

[Exit Golf Ball. Silence for a few seconds.]

  • TV: So, Loquat, do you want a quick interview? I can record a few sentences in the short time we have left. [He indicates the cloud timer that has been lingering over the contestants.]
  • Puffball: Oh. Wow.
  • Cloudy: I float and I still did not notice that.
  • Loquat: Just use this.

[Loquat hands over Pen's newspaper.]

  • Eraser: But it's from 1973.[5] Two will know—
  • Loquat: I have removed the date. A little known fact about me is that I am a master of real-life image manipulation.
  • Eraser: Wow.
  • Puffball: Nice.
  • TV: [text-to-speech voice] Dhanyavād. That's "Thank you" in Nepali.

[Loquat smiles.]

Middle of the field[]

  • Two: Attention, all! The information-gathering contest will be finished in two... two... two... two...

Just Not[]

[As this happens...]

  • Naily: Oh no, Two's calling it quits!
  • Rose Hipt: I'm almost done, guys.
  • Cake: Really? [looks over her shoulder]
  • Rose Hipt: No!
  • Book: We got this!
  • Two: [in the background] Two... two... two... one!

Post-contest[]

[A bell loudly rings in the background, ending the contest.]

  • Basketball: I miss Bell.
  • Two: Come one, come all, to the first ever judgement of extraterrestrial matters!

[Two claps their hands and everyone appears around Two's lifeguard tower. Even Golf Ball. They clap again and teleport downwards.]

  • Two: Whoop! Now I want one person from each team to give me their clipboard, and I will analyse its contents.

[They—that's Basketball (The Strongest Team on Earth), Tree (Death PACT Again), TV (Are You Okay), Barf Bag (Cold Woe Bunch), Rose Hipt (representing Just Not) and Winner (The S!)—hand Two their clipboards.]

  • Two: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, who are you, thank you.
  • Basketball: Er, Two? How'll you analyse what we wrote down?
  • Tennis Ball: Is there a systematic process or anything?
  • Two: You'll find out in a few minutes.
  • Coiny: But I want to find out now!
  • Pin: My legs are jiggling in anticipation! [her legs are literally shaking]
  • Two: Watch this.

[Two fires lasers from their eyes to read every clipboard at the same time.]

  • Everyone: Ooooh!
  • Eraser: I still flippin' want that power.
  • Eggy: So who won?
  • Robot Flower: Whose interview is the most detailed and/or has answered your question most deeply?
  • Two: There are two candidates for the first place... The first is Cold Woe Bunch, who have interviewed Acerola!
  • Acerola: Er, it's pronounced "Acerola".
  • Two: Acerola, got it. Anyway, you went into great detail in your interview. You told all, namely the question I had in mind: "Why did you come here?"
  • Some contestants: Ohh.
  • Needle: Ship, we should have totally asked that.
  • Acerola: Thanks for having me, team.
  • Donut: No. Thank you for answering our questions.
  • Barf Bag: We're still a little confused about your planet's lore, but overall you did well!
  • Acerola: OMF!
  • Coiny: Wow, Two! We got first place!
  • Two: Not exactly. There's another first-place candidate: Just Not.
  • Book: What?
  • Price Tag: Like, actually?
  • Two: Look at it!

[Two shoes Rose Hipt's clipboard to everyone. There is nothing on it but indecipherable scribbles. Everyone, even Just Not (who did not know), stands in awe.]

  • Naily: That's... what our team sent in?
  • Rose Hipt: Don't you like it? I wrote about the entire history of our Phalalien universe in the context of our star system, and in our native script!
  • Nickel: Oh! It's a language!
  • Two: Yep, every species in the universe can understand this writing system except... objects.[6]
  • Price Tag: Well, I sure don't feel left out.
  • Book: Don't worry, Taggy!
  • Cake: We still might be in first place!
  • Nickel: Um, will we ever know which team got first place?
  • Two: I'll tell you in a hundred days or so.
  • Nickel: Aw, seriously?
  • Two: Alright! Now that that's taken care of, let's see who got third place... Are You Okay!
  • Everyone, even the aliens: Yeah!
  • Two: [showing everyone AYO's clipboard with the newspaper attached to it] Team Are You Okay, I enjoy what you've done with your clipboard. The handwriting is brilliantly done; it looks like the font the Goiky Times used from 1971 to 1973!
  • Pen: That's because it is

[Eraser elbows Pen.]

  • Eraser: We did a good job, boyos.
  • Two: Half of the teams have been declared safe. The other half have not. Death PACT Again?
  • [ Remote · Tree ]: Yes?
  • Two: Your team is... up for elimination!
  • Tree: What, you're not even going to say who's in fourth and fifth place?
  • Two: Nope!
  • Tree: But I want to know!
  • Remote: So do I.
  • Clock: Two, you'd better tell us.
  • Two: No. I am beyond disturbed and disgusted by the lack of detail in your interview, DPA.
  • Tree: But I wrote everything down! Two, you can't be serious about this.
  • Two: Oh, but I am. See my serious face? [makes a troll face]
  • Fanny: I hate you!
  • Two: Tree, all you wrote for your team's interview are minimal notes about communal life on planet Phala, and the rest of it is just about a support group for single fathers who have lost their partners. How is that relevant?
  • Tree: I don't know; it's pretty relevant info to me.
  • Two: Not to me. I hate children!
  • Fanny: I hate them too!
  • Two: Anyway, I think most of you have done quite a good job of gathering information from our new alien friends, with whom I suspect we'll be sharing this planet.
  • Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: Yay!
  • Shequasar: I am so excited to start calling Earth my home.
  • Two: And I am so happy to have fellow non-Earthlings on this planet of... objects. Why, I think I'm going to...

[Sternuit duos cylindros receptatorum. The contestants are well used to Two sneezing out dead people by now, but the Fruituits are horrified.]

  • Shequasar: On second thought, have fun.
  • Rose Hipt: Enjoy your polluted landscape!
  • Rough Lemon: Adieu!
  • Acerola: Bye!

[Acerola, Loquat, Pentadiplandra Brazzeana, Rose Hipt, Rough Lemon and Shequasar rush into their spaceship, which flies away within milliseconds.]

  • Clock: Well, Two, you've finally managed to do something exactly twice in a lifetime.
  • Two: Oh yeah? What's that, Clock?
  • Clock: Scare off alien invaders.
  • Winner: Come on, they weren't that bad.

Voting screen[]

  • Two: Ooh. Haven't done this in a while! Vote in the comments using the letter and square brackets for who you don't want to be eliminated! Vote for who you want to stay! The two people with the fewest votes will leave the team and one of them will leave the show!

[Roll credits.]

Post-credits scenes[]

Outside the hotel[]

  • Tree: Aaaaaggh, when's Black Hole coming out? It's been hours!
  • Remote: Be patient. Black Hole has a high degree of self-control.
  • Lightning: He's not like the rest of us, who'd escape as quickly as possible if we died.
  • Tree: Uggh, I'm going inside.

[Suddenly, Black Hole escapes from the cylinder by sucking it up. Tree stops.]

  • Black Hole: Rule 1: Don't put black holes in containers.
  • Remote: Black Hole, you're back.
  • Tree: Slowly and steadily.
  • Pen: Nice to see you, champ!
  • Black Hole: Have I missed anything important?
  • Tree: Our team's up for elimination, but we're having a party in AYO's room.
  • Black Hole: Why?
  • Remote: Because GB saw the light.
  • Eraser: [shouting from the window] Eyy, bois, we're using GB's I Need A Pie Aunt's records as plates, and then we're going to do as the Greeks do!
  • Pen: What is that, eh?
  • Eraser: Smash 'em!
  • Pen: Opa!
  • Tennis Ball: You're throwing a party for Golf Ball and you didn't even invite me?
  • Pen: Hey, TB, she's yours. You can come up too!
  • Tree: And he's implying that anyone else can join us, as long as they are not prejudiced against anyone.
  • Remote: Or support death.
  • Needle: Yay!
  • Eggy: I'm going up, and I'm prejudiced against everyone equally!
  • Robot Flower: And I still like death!
  • Grassy: Grassy loves parties!
  • Basketball: Why are we out here again?

[Exeunt omnes. As soon as everyone is indoors, Snowball breaks out of his cylinder.]

  • Snowball: Pngweh! [beats where his chest should be] O-yee-o-yee-o-yee!

[Silence.]

  • Snowball: Where is everyone? Why didn't they wait for me?

EXIT[]

  • Match: Because no one likes you, SB. [throws a crumpled-up piece of paper at the television]
  • Pencil: So, uh, Golf Ball. She's nice now?
  • Roboty: It appears so.
  • Pencil: Shut up, Roboty, I wasn't talking to you.
  • Liy: Looks like you have something to learn from this new GB.
  • Stapy: Ooh, ooh! You know who else she can learn from?
  • Liy: No.
  • Stapy: Foldy. She's the nicest person in the world.
  • Match: I could tell by how she, like, wanted our team to, like, lose in episode 11. Foldy is, like, a total diddly-bop.
  • Stapy: [sad] Mm.
  • Liy: Yeah. And would Foldy do this?

[Liy reveals that she has placed a chair up against the EXIT's back door.]

  • David: Aw, seriously?
  • Liy: Yeah, David, it's not that impressive. But check this out.

[Liy jumps up from the chair to hold on to the edge of the vent system. She points to the vent.]

  • Liy: I've found my next adventure!
  • Stapy: Oh, cool. So are you going to go through the vents, or...
  • Liy: No, Stapy, I'm going to act out the game Hangman. Guess a letter and I'll slap you silly. /s
  • Bracelety: But Liy, when will you go through? Four might be back any second!
  • Liy: Then it's now... or never.

[Dramatic sting. A "To be continued" sign against a white background signifies that the episode has reached...]

THE END

Deleted scenes[]

  • Tennis Ball would have said that Foldy would have had a kick out of seeing I Need A get a pie thrown at her face, particularly because of the religious aspect of it.
  • After Saw asks what it means to be charismatic:

TV: "Charismatic" is a form of Christianity that focuses on spirituality and supernatural turns of events.
Saw: Yeah, that's, that's not me.

  • Winner was going to have the second least number of votes, not Cloudy. This was changed after I realized that Winner got the most votes in TPOT 1.
  • Tens of fruit names were considered; six were chosen. Among the names that did not make it in were: Sweet Lemon, Velvet Apple, Moluccan Brambleberry (Grassy was going to be the only one able to communicate with him) and American Black Elderberry (that sounds like a recipe for undue stereotypes).
  • Tennis Ball was going to tell Golf Ball during the contest, "It's 1977, a person can choose to talk if they want to." This was scrapped because they aren't on the same team.
  • Coiny would have called Donut "Bay City Rocker", a direct reference to a contemporary band of a very similar name. But check what TPOT 17 is called! Can't be too repetitive.
  • This series of lines was too out of character, even for Clock:

Pentadiplandra Brazzeana: Now, I hope you're all good with names.
Basketball: Don't worry! I think this whole team's got that covered.
Eggy: Um, not me.
Basketball: Except Eggy.
Eggy: Like, remember the time I forgot Clock in episode 15?
Clock: I TICKING HEARD THAT!
[Beat.]
Basketball Okay, most of us are good with names.

  • I was going to make a "BFB is vegan" joke but that's run its course by now, at least on the subreddit.
  • Lightning was just going to say "Bono gorno" as a greeting. Bono and U2 wouldn't be so internationally famous until the 1980s.
  • After Two asks how DPA's interview is relevant:

Lightning: Because Tree, he is a—
Fanny: We know!

  • The episode was going to end in a contestant mutiny, just like TPOT 1. This was dropped because Two wouldn't be happy enough to recover Snowball and Black Hole.
  • Another innuendo-laden joke from Lightning after the credits:

Lightning: Why are these recovery cylinders so big?
Remote: Because one of them has Black Hole in it, and the other has Snowball.
Fanny: And Snowball is big!
Lightning: Mm, yes, he is.
[His eyebrows go up.]
Fanny: Lightning, I swear—
Lightning: What, he is! By the looks of it, he is about as tall as Tennis Ball is.
Tennis Ball: Confirmed.

Notes[]

  1. The episode came out in 1978, but it was filmed in '77. For comparison, "Get in the Van" was released on 2 January 2013, but I don't think the whole development happened in a day or two.
  2. BFDI 1: 3:31.
  3. Poor Lightning, can't even say "buongiorno".
  4. Unless this is a remark about the difference between BFDI and BFB/TPOT assets, this line makes no sense when it's not about their human versions.
  5. It (2021) is currently 1973 in Yterbite years... that's the year this whole Total Fruit Island brouhaha came about.
  6. Disambiguation: Two thinks that objects can only come from Earth. They believe the objects from other planets are different.

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