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"File in the Cab!" is the non-canon thirteenth episode of TPOT by Jacknjellify. It was released on 25 May 1977, the same day that the first Star Wars came out. This episode is only headcanon to me, that is, until the real TPOT 13 (or even TPOT 2) comes out.

Previous episode: "The Heist Is Right"
Next episode: "The One Where No One Has Common Sense"

Pre-credits scenes[]

Outside the hotel[]

  • Fanny: I cannot believe you stole that car, Eraser!
  • Eraser: Dude was asking for it.
  • Lightning: At least that man didn't die.
  • Remote: Eraser is preventing death.
  • Eraser: Theft ain't so bad. Leafy stole Dream Island and now she preaches the gospel with her thirty kids and counting.
  • Pen: Hey, Eraser, going to get the room ready with me?
  • Eraser: I drove for, like, three hours; I'm going to sleep. The room thing, that's your problem, bro. [smirks]
  • Pen: Not just me, but Tree, too. Right, matey?[1]
  • Tree: Yeah, sure, I'll be up soon.
  • Pen: Night, gang.

[Exeunt Eraser and Pen. Remote nudges Tree, encouragingly.]

  • Tree: I know.
  • Lightning: Hey, look, there's Cloudy and Nickel. [realizing] Oh, cloud!

Hotel lobby[]

  • Black Hole: Er, Lightning?
  • Lightning: Two, you must wake up! [rings the hotel bell]

[Two rises, attached to their mattress like in that Gumball episode.]

  • Two: [yawns] Surprising to see you here, Death P.A.C.T. Again. You— you didn't do the last challenge. Why did you wake me up?
  • Lightning: Can you, em, recover Balloony?
  • Two: Okay! I can do that.
  • Tree: You can just recover somebody without being sad?
  • Two: Oh, but I was sad. I had this terrible nightmare that I was not Two but One!

[Beat.]

  • Two: And now that I'm awake, I suddenly feel happy again! You'd better stand back, now, 'cause I'm about to... I'm about to...

[As Death P.A.C.T. stand back, sternuit tres cylindros receptatorum.[2]]

  • Two: That.
  • Voice: [muffled, from inside one of the three cylinders] Tee hee!
  • Lightning: That sounds exactly like Bottle.
  • Fanny: She died again?
  • Tree: Exactly why she should have stayed in the pact.

[Bottle breaks through the cylinder.]

  • Bottle: There's not a better time to be alive than now!
  • Tree: Sure, at one in the morning. /s

[The second recovery cylinder breaks, revealing Balloony.]

  • Balloony: Huh? What am I doing here?
  • Lightning: Balloony, mucker, how's she cuttin'?
  • Balloony: Grand. Where's little one?

[Two suddenly uses their levitation powers to open the door to the Filing Cabinet and send Balloony there.]

  • Tree: I think you have bigger problems than that.

[Balloony makes a squeaking sound.]

  • Balloony: What's happening?

[Two sends Balloony through the portal.]

  • Balloony: Woaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh!

[The door closes as Grassy quietly crawls out of his cylinder.]

  • Two: [smiling] And now, it's time to go toOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—

[The intro plays.]

  • Two: —sleep! Good night, everyone.
  • Fanny: It was.

Pre-Cake at Stake[]

Inside the Filing Cabinet[]

  • Balloony: Huh? What is this steid?

[A light source appears in the corner of the screen. It gets brighter and brighter.]

  • Balloony: Oh no, this must be what Eternal Algebra Class Withfour is like!

[It soon becomes clear that Balloony has fallen through a system of several ventilation shafts, and his location becomes visible as we get a glimpse of the Filing Cabinet: On the ground floor is a massive, beautiful mall-like structure with a food court in the centre, with dozens of small restaurants surrounding a large number of tables evenly spaced around a rubbish bin/international currency exchange. If you look closely, you can see past the food court—there is a row of shops where people still come and go, even at 1 a.m. Directly above the vent system is a seemingly endless abundance of hotel rooms stretching upwards as far as the eye can see.[3]]

  • Balloony: Whoa.

[Next to one of the vents is a speaker system, from which a disembodied female voice can be heard.]

  • Cabinet Voice: Welcome to the Filing Cabinet.
  • Balloony: Aye, awright.
  • C.V.: If you have just been eliminated, say "one". If you haven't, say "two".
  • Balloony: Twa.
  • C.V.: Close enough. Greetings, dear guest, to your new home. In a short time you will be able to choose a residence from our wide range of hotel room options. There you will be asked about your previous place of residence, so that we may send the best object relocators to move your belongings to your room.

[Balloony is shocked for a second.]

  • Balloony: That's... that's mint!
  • C.V.: But before we let you go any further, we must ask you this: Do you solemnly, sincerely and truly declare and affirm that you will tell no one about the secret world of the Filing Cabinet, especially still-in contestants, under penalties of eternal death?
  • Balloony: I solemnly, sincerely... sorry, what were the last words again?
  • C.V.: Good enough. Just don't tell anyone about this place. And welcome, again!

[Balloony floats along.]

  • Balloony: [to himself] Weel, this is an interesting place. But och, a'body's probably friends with each other! There's no way I'll be able to integrate!
  • French Narrator: Nine months later.

Nine months later[]

  • Balloony: I feel so integrated!
  • Sigune: So, Mr. Scotland-the-Brave, tell us how you're related to Sean Conne-tree again.
  • Balloony: I dinnae ken, do you have any evidence? /j

[The recommended characters giggle. Suddenly, a round rectangular television screen appears in the middle of the food court, much like a projection screen.]

  • Two: [on the screen] Attention, everyone, it's time for Cake at Stake!
  • Nickel: Wait, why are we doing Cake at Stake...
  • Balloony: Nickel! [turns around] He's kind of my son.
  • Gaggle of recommended characters: Squee!

[Cabinet Voice can be heard on the loudspeakers as the episode (as seen outside the Filing Cabinet) plays out on the big screen.]

  • C.V.: Will all the eliminated contestants find their way to the rising platform in the middle of the Food Court? Thank you!

[All the eliminated contestants from episodes 2–12 begin to make their way to the platform. Balloony notices that there is no one standing on the platform marked "Rocky".]

  • Balloony: Uh-oh, there's an injustice. Excuse me, lassies.

[He walks over and stands on the "Rocky" platform, much to the confusion of the others. Two dialogues take place simultaneously: one in the outside world and the other among the eliminated contestants in the Filing Cabinet.]

  • Two: [on the screen] There, that's better. Now you've all chosen whom you would like to rejoin. And you know what? The ones who guessed correctly get a prize! Recently I was told that I've still got to give out prizes even though I specifically said that the prize was going to be the eliminated contestant, you know what I mean, jelly bean? Anyway, they didn't seem to like that, even as I changed it to what you will see later, so I had to offer a prize anyway. So that's why those of you who have guessed correctly will be getting these: plastic shovels.
  • Fanny: Can we do Cake at Stake now? I am tired of you ranting!
  • Two: I'm glad you requested it!
  • Fanny: That wasn't a request!
  • Two: Never mind that; who's ready to hear the new Cake at Stake song?
  • Everyone: Yeah!

[At the same time, starting from when Two says "Now you've all chosen."]

  • Fries: Um, Balloony, I don't think you're meant to be here.
  • Balloony: Nah, it's fine. 'Tis my son; I can vouch for him.
  • Fries: If you say so.
  • Bell: Oh, I hope I get sent back. The Strongest Team on Earth needs more positive people!
  • Foldy: You said it.
  • Marker: That's one way to be positive.
  • Pillow: Did you know that positivity comes from electrons?
  • Tennis Ball: I think it's the other way around...
  • C.V.: Platforms rising in ten seconds. And remember, don't tell anyone about this place!

Cake at Stake[]

Hotel roof[]

Song: Act III Cake at Stake theme: Unknown voice

[Mid-seventies disco theme, not too different from "More, More, More", a popular song from around that time.]

♫ Cake at Stake! Elimination, elimination!
Cake at Stake! Elimination, elimination!
Cake at Stake! Elimination, elimination!
Ooh, who will be sent away?
Ooh, who will be sent away? ♫

  • Golf Ball: That was awful.
  • Puffball: You'll never like the new stuff, will you?
  • Golf Ball: Yes, and it's because the secondary stress should be on the second syllable. It's "e-li-mi-na-tion", not "e-limi-na-tion"!
  • Snowball: You think anyone cares?
  • Two: Don't like it? I shall call my songwriter and tell her she's done for. [sees that nobody cares] But not right now, for look, here come the eliminated contestants!

[The platforms rise, revealing Pie (on the farthest-left), followed by Ice Cube, Bomby, Fries, Balloony (standing for Rocky), Needle, Tennis Ball, Marker, Bell, Foldy and Pillow on the end. They stand in a semi-circle around Two. Cross-talk, soni exspectati.]

  • Two: Welcome, everyone, to the first rejoining of The Power of Two! If you got the most votes, you get to join my show, and you'll also get this plastic shovel...

[Everyone gasps.]

  • Two: Just like the contestants who wanted you to join in the first place!
  • Fries: What could possibly be useful about a plastic shovel?
  • Two: You'll see later, but only if you rejoin!
  • Lightning: So to clarify, who's going to rejoin?
  • Two: Well, I can't tell you right away, 'cause that would ruin the suspense.
  • Foldy: Oh, I hope it's me!
  • Two: Foldy, you got the fewest number of votes. You're out!
  • Foldy: Oh no! Was it something I said?

[Foldy falls through the tile.]

  • Two: [Aside, to the others.] Must have been her rejoin speech. [imitating Foldy] "Gogma, gogma, sacre bleh!"
  • Eggy: Hate to say this, but you hit it right on the head, Two.
  • Basketball: Did anyone here predict that Foldy would rejoin?

[Silence.]

  • Basketball: Wow, that's... harsh. Foldy was my second choice; my first one was Bell.
  • Bell: Thanks, BB, it means a lot to know someone thinks about me!
  • Two: Bell got the second-fewest.
  • Bell: Huh?

[The platform opens.]

  • Bell: I should have brought my striiiiiiiiiiiing!

[Bell falls through.]

  • Two: Sorry, Basketball, there's no shovel for you. And there's no shovel for Eggy either, because Pillow's out!

[Pillow falls through.]

  • Two: People don't really like the recently eliminated. [looks at a flashcard] Oh, and here's an interesting one: Despite winning the hearts of six still-in players—that's the most out of anyone—Ice Cube is eliminated too!
  • Clock: I guess this truce is staying dormant.
  • Winner: Once again.
  • Book: Oh no, Icy, that means you can't come back to me!
  • Ice Cube: Hmmph!

[Ice Cube falls through.]

  • Saw: Hey, Two, can you tell us how many people voted for each elimin8ed player?
  • Two: Why?

[Two whips out a giant pair of giant scissors like Blocky did in BFB 17.]

  • Two: Did you want to know how many people voted?
  • Saw: Ah! I mean, umm, not particularly. What do you think, G8y?
  • Gaty: Nope.
  • Golf Ball: Hurry up!
  • Two: Okay. Rocky, you're—

[Two looks up to see Balloony in Rocky's place.]

  • Two: Hey, you're not Rocky!
  • Balloony: Em, bul-leh?

[Cloudy and Nickel move to the front of the crowd, surprised.]

  • Cloudy: Balloony, how did you end up in the Filing Cabinet? Last time we saw you, you were floating off with Ro— I mean, a suitcase.
  • Nickel: A suitcase and nothing else.
  • Balloony: Oh, em... Funny story.
  • Tree: [Aside.] One involving an ex-murderer cube.
  • Remote: I don't want to laugh because it's death.
  • Two: We've no time for stories of mirth and merriment. You, Rocky, or Balloony, or whatever your name may be, are out!
  • Balloony: See ye efter in the FC, laaaaaaaaaads!

[Balloony falls through.]

  • Two: And that means no shovels will be coming your way, Cloudy, Nickel and Bottle.
  • Bottle: In some cultures, a lack of shovels means that all work must be done by hand!
  • Cloudy: First he wants us to win, and now he wants us to be eliminated?
  • Nickel: I bet he's been possessed by a "make us lose" dem—
  • Golf Ball: [suddenly appearing] Don't you ever joke about demonic possession, Nicholas!
  • Nickel: What am I, invited to a wedding?
  • Two: You lot done yet? I'd like to announce to everyone next that Pie is eliminated.
  • Pie: Oh well. It was nice seeing the light.

[Pie falls through.]

  • Black Hole: No shovels for us.
  • [ Remote · Tree ]: [ Poor Pie. · Mm. ]
  • Two: Marker is also out! [looks at the camera, deadpan] And I bet he got all the votes from the Denmark on your planet.
  • Marker: What? I'm out? Neeeeeeeeejjjjjjj!

[Marker falls through.]

  • Two: You know what this means, Pen, Lightning and Fanny.
  • Eraser: Wait. Pen, you voted for Marker?
  • Pen: Yeah, he's our cousin... or however he says it.
  • TV: [text-to-speech voice] Fætter.
  • Pen: Gesundheit.
  • Two: Four people left! Bomby, you didn't get in, although you've got quite the support system. Barf Bag, Cake, Naily and Price Tag voted for you!
  • Bomby: My teammates!
  • Barf Bag: New and old.
  • Naily: Better luck next time, dude!

[Bomby falls through.]

  • Two: And Fries... you're out too.
  • Fries: After hearing my name, I wouldn't expect you to say anything but that.
  • Two: Eraser and Puffball, say your shovelly goodbyes.
  • Fries: So you two voted for me.
  • Yellow Face: The spirit of FREE FOOD is still alive!
  • Two: But Yellow Face, you voted for Ice Cube.

[Awkward silence as everyone looks at him.]

  • Yellow Face: I don't know what to say!

[Fries falls through without an expression on his face. A spotlight shines on Needle and Tennis Ball.]

  • Two: And now it's down to Needy and Clumsy.

[Needle slaps Two.]

  • Needle: Don't call me Needy!
  • Tennis Ball: Yeah, and I'm not really a fan of being called "clumsy" either.
  • Two: Good for you! Now, you both have some well-known supporters: Coiny, Pin, Donut and Snowball on one side, and Golf Ball, Grassy, Robot Flower and TV on the other! There's a clear difference between the groups I've just mentioned, but I won't be talking about that.
  • Snowball: You'd better not!
  • Two: In fact, I'm about to tell you something that will knock your socks off!
  • Needle: But none of us are wearing socks!
  • Puffball: [Aside.] Speak for yourself.
  • Two: How would you like it if I allowed both of you to join the game?
  • Tennis Ball: Is that a hypothetical question?
  • Two: [enunciating] No, I am asking you if you would like to rejoin, both of you, Needle and Tennis Ball.
  • Needle: I think that would be a good idea. I don't find TB problematic at all!
  • Tennis Ball: Aw, that's nice.
  • Needle: His life partner, on the other hand...
  • Golf Ball: Heh?
  • Two: Well, you're in luck. Congratulations, Needle and Tennis Ball, you are the first contestants to rejoin us in the battle for... The Power of Two!
  • Tennis Ball: Yay-owr!
  • Book: So does this mean you're no longer angry about Tennis Ball destroying your First Hotel?
  • Two: Oh, I was very angry about that for a while. But with a little help from a mental health professional who specializes in anger management, I was back at peace with myself in no time! Thanks, Sheryl!
  • Tree: [Aside, to Remote.] This sounds suspiciously like an advertisement.
  • Two: And now, we can get ready for the next challenge!

Post-Cake at Stake[]

Outside[]

  • Golf Ball: A success has been achieved in the past few minutes. First, Cake at Stake was not as tedious as I thought, and second, we have our second most important team member back!
  • Tennis Ball: Yay!
  • TV: Welcome back, Tennis Ball.

[Huc teleportat Two. Everyone on Are You Okay scream.]

  • Two: Are You Okay!
  • The team: Yeah!
  • Two: Well, you're not going to be once I tell you the news!
  • Puffball: Oh no, you don't mean—
  • Two: Oh yes, I do. Tennis Ball cannot compete on this team.
  • Golf Ball: WHAAAAAAAAAT?
  • Two: As you are probably painfully aware, your team finished second to last in the last contest.
  • Golf Ball: So?
  • Two: So, it means your team does not have enough winning potential to support a previously eliminated contestant. And in a way, neither have you, Cold Woe Bunch!
  • TV: But we were not informed of this before.

[Two claps their hands to get everyone's attention.]

  • Two: Can I have everyone's attention, please?
  • Bottle: Yes!
  • Two: Okay. I should have... gulp... projected my voice, and made a bit of a clarification.
  • Lightning: I love those!
  • Two: You may think that your new friends can stay on the teams they were on before they were eliminated, but they actually have to redirect themselves and join the team that did best in the last contest.
  • Eraser: Which is?
  • Two: Oh, that's right, you weren't at the last contest. The team that did best last episode was—
  • Snowball: Us! That's right, we were the strongest because we are The Strongest Team on Earth!
  • Price Tag: [Aside.] Well, that's a humble brag. /s
  • Robot Flower: But you owe it all to me, remember?
  • Two: Alright, TB and Need—Needle, it's time to switch teams!
  • Tennis Ball: I have to be on the same team as Snowball?
  • Needle: I think I'm having a nightmare.
  • Basketball: Don't worry, guys! Remember that some of us were on the same team as you!
  • Grassy: Tennis Ball!
  • Basketball: And as for Eggy? She's got fond memories of her time on The Losers with you, Needle.
  • Eggy: Needle? I hardly know her!
  • Basketball: Shh!
  • Golf Ball: I suppose this is farewell. The two of us have never been on separate teams in the history of BFDI!
  • Tennis Ball: We're lucky in that sense. Now I have an idea, GB: How about my team and your team form an alliance? That way, we won't consciously try to eliminate each other.
  • Golf Ball: What a ludicrous idea! Yet not terrible.
  • Tennis Ball: Swell!
  • Golf Ball: Alright, propose it to your team and 23 skidoo.

[Tennis Ball and Needle walk to The Strongest Team on Earth.]

  • Two: And there you have it: [Two speaks, as the new teams are showcased with their logos above them] Just Not. The S!. Cold Woe Bunch. Are You Okay. Death PACT Again. And The Strongest Team on Earth. And during this act, the configurations of these teams will surely change!

[Everyone talks at once. Two quickly quiets them down.]

  • Two: But that's a conversation for later. Now, it's time for the challenge!

Pre-contest[]

Giant sandbox[]

  • Two: I have turned all the grass into sand!
  • All: Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
  • Basketball: Oh no, Grassy's dead again!
  • Two: Whoops. Sorry about that.
  • Eggy: Is Grassy dying every challenge going to be a thing?
  • Two: [ignoring her] Anyway, for today's contest, you have to draw something in the sand and later I will judge each drawing on how much it would be worth in the real world!
  • Naily: That seems kind of boring.
  • Price Tag: Yeah, what's with all the "judgement" contests lately?
  • Golf Ball: Don't tell us you're going to ask us to do your work for you, Two!
  • Two: What? No, no and no. This so happens to be a "gut course", as your people call it, Golf Ball.
  • Golf Ball: You people?
  • Puffball: Hmm.
  • Two: And now, let the contest begin!

Contest[]

Outside[]

Remote's team[]

[Lightning, Remote, Fanny, Tree and Black Hole approach Two, who is sitting on their throne.]

  • Remote: I noticed something, Two.
  • Two: What's that?
  • Remote: When you re-introduced the teams earlier, you called us "Death PACT Again".
  • Two: And?
  • Remote: Our team name is "Death P.A.C.T. Again", with the periods.
  • Two: As punishment for the fact that your entire team was absent last time, I have removed all the full stops from your team name.
  • Remote: Oh.
  • Black Hole: It's not that bad, Remote. To me, it looks more natural.
  • Lightning: Same here.
  • Tree: To be honest, the dots made it look a little outdated.
  • Fanny: I hate old-fashioned orthographic conventions![4]
  • Remote: Then I am fine with it too.
  • Tree: Now let's get to the contest.

Cold Woe Bunch[]

[Death P.A.C.T. Again—now "Death PACT Again"—walk past Cold Woe Bunch, who are all drawing in the sand.]

  • Barf Bag: We're making a lot of drawings here.
  • Yellow Face: Drawing is fun!
  • Barf Bag: I think Two would like it if we chose just one of them.
  • Coiny: Well, Pin's the artist of this bunch!
  • Pin: I guess I am. Thanks for pointing that out!
  • Barf Bag: But remember, the aim of the contest is to draw something that looks like it's worth a lot.
  • Yellow Face: What does that mean?
  • Barf Bag: It means that you'll have to draw for our team, Coiny.
  • Coiny: Sounds like a plan. Hey, I'll draw the richest person I know!
  • Donut: Don't say "me", Coiny; be humble.
  • Coiny: Okay... this guy. [does the finger thing]

[Donut facepalms.]

The Strongest Team on Earth[]

  • Basketball: I'm still a little confused about the contest. Do you get it, Tennis Ball?
  • Tennis Ball: Two will judge our drawings to see whose is worth the best.
  • Needle: So it's something like art, then?
  • Robot Flower: Unless there's something mechanical involved.
  • Basketball: Oh, so Two wants blueprints. TB, you're good at that!
  • Tennis Ball: Yeah, but I work best when I'm with... [looks over at Are You Okay]
  • Basketball: Golf Ball.
  • Eggy: You've spent years inside the Filing Cabinet with no sign of your other half, and suddenly you return but are forced to compete on a team that is enemies with her. Sucks eggs, man.
  • Basketball: Eggy!
  • Eggy: Someone had to say it!
  • Tennis Ball: No, she's right. That reminds me, actually...

[Tennis Ball looks up to see Snowball glaring at him, menacingly. He breathes heavily.]

  • Tennis Ball: Um, hi, Snowball.

[Snowball says nothing for a second.]

  • Snowball: TB face make me MAD!

[Exit Snowball, storming into the hotel and making unnecessary noise while doing so.]

  • Snowball: Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam...
  • Needle: Ugh.
  • Tennis Ball: So what's going on with him?
  • Basketball: Oh, he's been like that since the last contest. Whatever you do, don't crawl behind that there bu— oh, the bush isn't there. Carry on!
  • Robot Flower: And grab a shovel! [She gives Tennis Ball her prize from Cake at Stake for him to draw with.]

Are You Okay[]

  • Golf Ball: Are You Okay!
  • Pen: Yeah.
  • Puffball: Well.
  • TV: Sure.
  • Eraser: Whatever.
  • Golf Ball: Wow, that's the first time I could hear what you said distinctly! Anyway, I have a plan for this contest. Forward!
  • Pen: You're not too sad about Tennis Ball leaving you for another team, eh?
  • Golf Ball: Why? He is competing still, is he not?
  • Eraser: Answering a question with another question. Leave 'er alone, bro.
  • Golf Ball: And what does this have to do with our plans? You are not to stop our one-way ticket to victory with a sentiment check!
  • Pen: Well, no, I was just worried—
  • Golf Ball: It is so like you people to focus on feelings instead of—
  • Puffball: Ummmmm, why don't you two start working on our team's drawing?
  • Eraser: Sure about that?
  • Puffball: TV and I have a little business to take care of.

[Puffball and TV lead Golf Ball away from their team's area. Pen and Eraser look at them, confused.]

The S![]

[The team, that is, Bottle, Gaty, Saw, Clock, Cloudy and Winner, look at the work they had accomplished in the sand. The viewers don't get to see what it is just yet.]

  • Winner: Wow.
  • Cloudy: Look at it.
  • Saw: I've never seen anything like this before!
  • Gaty: Just to check, we are done, right? No need to add finishing touches or stuff like—
  • Clock: No. Hey, Two, we're done!

[Huc teleportat Two.]

  • Two: Done already?
  • Clock: Yep, we're finished. Can you judge us, please?
  • Two: Oh, a "please". [Aside.] I don't believe I've heard that from him before. [Aloud.] I'd really like to start judging your whatever-it-is, but can you tell me what it is first?
  • Clock: Can't you see?

[Clock shows Two the sand creation in more detail: A team portrait of all the members of The S! in various art styles.]

  • Clock: See, that's me in the front (of course), and there's also Winner, Cloudy, Bottle, Gaty and Saw. Everyone drew their own picture, even Cloudy.
  • Cloudy: I collect paintbrushes tailored for the teeth.
  • Two: I see.
  • Clock: No, Icy's eliminated.
  • Winner: So, Two, can you please tell us how much our artwork is worth?
  • Two: Hmm, it looks like it's worth about $30. [the number lingers in the corner of the screen with the soon-to-be other teams' prices]
  • Winner: How can you just guess that?
  • Two: I may be an amateur in Goikyan Vietnamese literature, but I am more than that. Watch this!
  • Clock: Look away, team. Watchers are wanna—

[With a flash of light, Two splits into two parts, both resembling the algebralien One.]

  • Saw: What's just happened?
  • Industrious One: You are now seeing two sides of my personality! My name is Industrious One.
  • Cloudy: Hello, Industrious One.
  • Industrious One: I am responsible for all the knowledge and willpower in Two's head. I am what's stopping Macro-Me from dropping out of hosting.
  • Gaty: That's creepy.
  • Clock: Gaty, show some respect.
  • Gaty: Fine. That's creepy, vi.[5]
  • Lazy One: And I am Lazy One. Good night.
  • Industrious One: Oi, where are you going? It's 2:22 in the aftertwon—I mean, afternoon!
  • Lazy One: Sleepy sleepy time.

[Exit Lazy One to the front desk, where they are going to sleep.]

  • Industrious One: Anyway, I have deduced that your picture is worth... about $30.
  • Clock: You know, you didn't have to split yourself up to say that.

[Silence.]

  • Industrious One: Well, this is awkward.

Just Not[]

  • Cake: Whoa, did you see that?!
  • Naily: No, what happened?
  • Cake: Two just split themselves up! Now they're two Ones.
  • Book: That is but simple mathematics.
  • Nickel: You can't argue with math.
  • Price Tag: Does the real One know about this?
  • Book: I'm pretty sure there are an infinite number of Ones at the Equation Playground.

[Beat.]

  • Nickel: I'm scared now.
  • Naily: We'd better start working. Every time there's a contest where something is judged, we always get the short end of the stick.
  • Price Tag: What does that mean?
  • Naily: Something bad happens!
  • Price Tag: Well, I blame our bad luck.
  • Book: I don't! It's a new act and a new third of the decade; we can easily win this if we try!
  • Cake: That's right! [Beat.] So what are we drawing?
  • Naily: No clue.

Sedation Station[]

  • Golf Ball: Why am I sitting here in this "calm-down corner"? It feels like fifty years ago and I'm back in grade school.
  • Puffball: Because we're worried about you. That's why we've sent you to the Sedation Station.
  • TV: You have not been too nice to our teammates, or to other people's teammates. Think of this as our very own sensitivity training.
  • Puffball: Because there's no way that Two will do this.
  • TV: Two considers all contestants equally inferior.
  • Puffball: Darn right!

[Puffball and TV laugh, aside.]

  • Golf Ball: What does this have to do with anything?
  • Puffball: We think you could be a little nicer, especially to people who are, you know, not you.
  • Golf Ball: What are you talking about, I am nice!
  • TV: Last episode, you said: [replaying footage] "My main goal is not to be nice."
  • Golf Ball: Uh...
  • Puffball: And what did you call people who aren't balls?
  • Golf Ball: Nombas, I say it all the time!
  • TV: That word is very offensive to the objects-that-are-not-balls community.
  • Golf Ball: Yeah, but—
  • Puffball: And didn't you call TB's family a mob of gormless frankfurters?
  • Golf Ball: They're in-laws; they're supposed to be derided!
  • TV: And what about when you called Pen and Eraser, our own teammates... [replaying footage] "guide-O's"?

[Pause.]

  • Golf Ball: [sigh] Goikyan Houston, we have a problem. PB, TV, I admit that I can be a little prejudiced in the contest area. But what can I do?
  • Puffball: I don't know.
  • TV: We're full-time contestants; we've no time to ponder individual responses to social inequities.
  • Puffball: Just... be nice and treat everyone with respect, even if they're not you.
  • Golf Ball: And focus on winning the contest!
  • Puffball: Yes, thanks for adding that on.
  • Golf Ball: In fact, we should focus on that right now. Let's hurry to our two spa-guide-i-O's—I mean, teammates!

[Golf Ball runs over.]

  • Golf Ball: Don't laugh at my run!

[Puffball and TV look away, whistling.]

Outside[]

Are You Okay and Death PACT Again[]

[AYO (Eraser and Pen) are working on their sand work next to DPA (Black Hole and others), whose creation looks bit more elaborate.]

  • Lightning: Wow, Are-You-Okayians, that looks amazing!
  • Pen: Say, thanks! It's the Eiffel Tower.
  • Black Hole: A building that has had an important rôle, in BFDIA.
  • Tree: Interestingly enough, that's what we're making as well.
  • Pen: Cool!
  • Tree: What can I say? I was really inspired by that film we saw.
  • Pen: Oh yeah. Paris, the city of amore.
  • Tree: [correcting him] Amour.
  • Pen: That too.

[Pen gives Tree another goofy half-smile.]

  • Eraser: Pen, your frown is broken. /j Anyway, we're finally done!

[Huc teleportat Industrious One.]

  • Industrious One: Finally done, you say?
  • Eraser: Who are you.
  • Industrious One: Why, I'm Industrious One! Lazy One's napping in my office.
  • Eraser: That's my kind of dude.
  • Industrious One: It's time for me to start judging your stuff. [Beat.] That did not come out right.
  • Eraser: How much is this worth?
  • Industrious One: Your artwork seems to be worth $64. Anything Goikyan French is in these days.
  • Tree: Was anything Goikyan French ever not popular? I mean, they gave us the word "chic".
  • Remote: So that's how you pronounce it.
  • Industrious One: Is that a valuation request, Death PACT Again?
  • Tree: No, no, not exactly.
  • Remote: We haven't finished yet.
  • Industrious One: Why not? As long as I'm here, I can judge both of your teams and the contest can end earlier.
  • Black Hole: We're really unfinished.

[Industrious One gives the team a Four-like glare.]

  • Black Hole: Okay, okay, you can judge our stuff.
  • Industrious One: [happy again] Sorry for that! Lazy One was in charge of keeping my emotions in order.
  • Lightning: Thanks for clarifying.
  • Industrious One: Hmm... you've done a good job; you are the only team that has made their creation three-dimensional. But you're not finished. However, Johann Computer Mauss wrote his "Unfinished Symphony No. 8" and it was a hit, so I declare your team's unfinished artwork to be $149.
  • Lightning: That's really expensive!
  • Tree: Thanks for that, er, One. And it's Sherbert, not Mauss. [Aside, to Pen.] See, I know my Romantic music.[6]

Just Not and Cold Woe Bunch[]

[Fade to Just Not (Book, Cake, Naily, Nickel and Price Tag) and Cold Woe Bunch (Barf Bag, Coiny, Donut, Pin and Yellow Face), who are on opposite sides of Industrious One. They are judging the former team's work first.]

  • Cake: So do you like it?
  • Nickel: Is it good?
  • Industrious One: Well...

[We see that Just Not have scribbled all over their sand sample.]

  • Industrious One: I think this is worth... $2,763.
  • The team: What?!
  • Price Tag: That's really good! [Aside.] We're using international dollars for this, right?
  • Book: I think.
  • Industrious One: I really liked how your team worked with abstract expressionism.
  • Nickel: Heh, I don't even know what that is!
  • Cake: Me either. We just scribbled lines in the sand!
  • Industrious One: It looks like we've got a Flaxen Pollock among us. If no team does better than you've done, you could be the next winner of this episode's competition! Run along, now.

[Exeunt Just Not, in good spirits.]

  • Industrious One: Cold Woe Bunch! Will you be that team?
  • Coiny: We sure will!

[Coiny shows Industrious One his team's drawing: A coin with circular eyes, a small mouth and limbs without endpoints (a bit like Firey Jr.). This coin looks suspiciously similar to another coin from a certain company.]

  • Industrious One: Oh, dear Gogma, what the hell is that?
  • Pin: Coiny drew the richest person he knows.
  • Coiny: Well, I wouldn't go that far. As someone who has connections to high society, I know a lot of people, many of whom are richer than me—
  • Industrious One: Coiny. [Beat.] ZNAAAAAAAAAAARF!

[Coiny falls to the ground with the full force of the uninhibited screech of Two, now One.]

  • Barf Bag: That was... a bit uncalled for.
  • Industrious One: I'm sorry. Lazy One was responsible for keeping my verbal abuse to a low rumble.

[Coiny gets up immediately.]

  • Coiny: Anyway, that's my drawing of the richest guy these people know.
  • Donut: Uh, yeah.
  • Industrious One: Interesting. Is this Nickel?
  • Coiny: No, it's me. Coiny!
  • Industrious One: I... I think I'm going to hurl!

[Industrious One runs off, terrified as "$0" appears in the corner of the screen with the other numbers.]

  • Needle: [who has suddenly appeared] You know, technically Nickel is richer than you.

The Strongest Team on Earth[]

[Jump cut to the end of the challenge.]

  • Tennis Ball: I'm almost done.
  • Robot Flower: Really? Because I think you've been working on this picture for ages!
  • Eggy: Yeah. Give it a rest, T-E-double N-I-S-B-A-double-L!
  • Tennis Ball: I'm sorry, but if there's no one to moderate the creation process, I just get more and more detailed.
  • Robot Flower: Help you move that grain of sand for you?
  • Tennis Ball: No way! It will change the whole image.
  • Basketball: Robot Flower, I think what TB needs is a Golf Ball clone.
  • Eggy: But isn't the GBC in the Filing Cabinet?
  • Needle: Yes, she was!
  • Basketball: I've got an idea. Eh-em. [imitating Golf Ball] T! B! Why don't you stop what you're doing and fetch me a sandwich! For no other reason than my being hungry!
  • Tennis Ball: Okay!

[Exit Tennis Ball into the hotel lobby.]

  • Needle: Nice impression.
  • Eggy: Spot on.
  • Basketball: [trying not to laugh] And don't you stop running until you're done!

[Huc teleportat Industrious One. Enter the current winners, Just Not, shortly after them.]

  • Industrious One: You're done, eh?
  • Basketball: Oh, Two, what happened to you?
  • Needle: Why do you look like that?
  • Industrious One: No time for questions now! As much as I call myself "Industrious One", I want this contest to end really quickly.
  • Eggy: But we're not really finished.
  • Industrious One: Seems finished to me.
  • Needle: Told you, TB! [Beat.] Oh, he's not here.
  • Industrious One: Hmm. I'd say this drawing deserves a high price.
  • Needle: How much are we talking, like, fifty?
  • Industrious One: No. Five hundred!

[Everyone gasps.]

  • Industrious One: This is the kind of stuff rich people hang on their walls!
  • Robot Flower: Hooray! We managed to make bourgeois art!

[Enter Tennis Ball with a sandwich.]

  • Tennis Ball: Oh, we were supposed to make a piece of art?
  • Basketball: Don't worry, Tennis Ball, 'cause this thing's going to sell for $500! We got first place!
  • Naily: Correction, Basketball.
  • Price Tag: We got first place.
  • Cake: For the first time in forever!

[Snowball pops his head out of the hotel window.]

  • Snowball: Don't use that movie in vain!
  • Industrious One: I've got to go.

[Industrious One makes their arm very long to stretch Lazy One out of the hotel building, and they... 23 skidoo.]

Post-contest[]

Voting screen[]

Post-credits scenes[]

Outside the hotel[]

  • Eggy: Why are we out here again?
  • Needle: I want to see my hotel room!
  • Tennis Ball: I've got to ask you all something, and I need to know if you're okay with it.
  • Robot Flower: You can talk to us!
  • Basketball: Yeah, we're your friends.
  • Tennis Ball: Okay. [breathes in] How would you like it if we were allied with Golf Ball's team?

[Everyone gasps.]

  • Needle: Are You Okay?
  • Tennis Ball: Yes, that team. And I am okay, thanks for asking!
  • Needle: Sure, we can have an alliance.
  • Basketball: Really, Needle? Why?
  • Needle: Because...

[Flashback to BFDI 1b.]

Needle, Leafy, Tennis Ball: We choose Golf Ball!

[End flashback.]

  • Eggy: A flashback? That's as good a reason as any. Count me in, TB!
  • Robot Flower: This is a hard choice!
  • Basketball: Yeah, we see GB as a kind of enemy that must be overthrown. No offence.
  • Needle: But aren't you already enemies with all of Just Not?
  • Basketball: Oh yeah, there's that. [Pause.] I'm in, then!
  • Robot Flower: So is Robot Flower!
  • Tennis Ball: That's gre—
  • Snowball: [suddenly appearing] WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK ME?
  • Basketball: We didn't know you were coming dow—
  • Snowball: Get out of my way, weaks, armless!
  • Eggy: Okay, heesh!
  • Needle: [Aside, to Tennis Ball.] Build a wall around his bed and suck all the air out.

[Exeunt omnes except Tennis Ball. Needle goes so far as to put "bunny ears" behind Snowball's head with her fingers.]

  • Tennis Ball: Snowball, what are you doing out here, where there are one, two, three, four, five witnesses present?

[Snowball puts his arm around Tennis Ball.]

  • Snowball: It's just you and me out here! The only men on a team of weaks, and girls!
  • Tennis Ball: What are you getting at? David and Dora are men; we are balls. And I don't like what you said about girls. There's a movement underway that I am more than supportive of.
  • Snowball: Oh, clam it! You have big man warrior, big fighter inside you, behind that nerd head! Don't you know, our mighty people beat the Big 🅱️en Empire with our arms! And we'll do the same to the other teams!
  • Tennis Ball: As charming as it is to be lumped in with some barbarians I've never met, I don't think I feel so comfortable joining forces with you.
  • Snowball: You met me!
  • Tennis Ball: I'm going to have a hot bath. Good night, Snowball.

[Exit Tennis Ball.]

  • Snowball: [roars] ZGWOOOOOONK! FIGHT ME THEN!

[Enter Lightning and Fanny, who have been outside for a while.]

  • Lightning: You want to fight? You've got one.
  • Fanny: I hate fighting!

[Lightning zaps Snowball.]

  • Snowball: Grrrrraaaaaaa!
  • Lightning: Want one again, punk? [Aside.] Wait, punk's good.

[He zaps him again.]

  • Fanny: Um, Lightning?

[He zaps him a third time. This time, we only see Fanny's face—she is shocked.]

  • Lightning: This is for putting me under your spell!
  • Fanny: LN, what are you— [zap]
  • Lightning: Take that! [zap]
  • Fanny: Okay, you can stop— [zap]
  • Lightning: And that! [zap five times]
  • Fanny: You done?
  • Lightning: Sure. [to Snowball, who has turned into a puddle of water] Am I too invadable and weak now?
  • Snowball puddle: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
  • Lightning: That's what I flippin' thought. [dusts his hands off]

[Fanny looks behind to see if anyone is watching. She blows the Snowball puddle into a drain in the sand, next to which is a sign called "To Hel".]

  • Bottle: [walking by, cheerfully] And Snowball is dead!
  • Lightning: [realizing] Omg, Fanny, please don't tell the rest of the team I was after killing someone!
  • Fanny: Wouldn't dream of it, mate.

[Lightning puts his arm around Fanny and they go together to the hotel.]

  • Fanny: Besides, you're more likely to spill a secret than I am.
  • Lightning: Am not!
  • Fanny: Are too!
  • Lightning: Am not...

EXIT[]

  • Match: [pretending to file her nails] Like, crudliously? Iance gone wild.
  • Pencil: Match, what are you doing?
  • Match: Filing my pretend, like, nails. They do it all the time in the pictures.
  • Pencil: But you don't have nails.
  • Liy: You just don't.
  • Stapy: Wow, finally something you two agree on.
  • Firey Jr.: Want to know something else they both agree on? You're sitting next to the front door, Stapy, and you haven't even bothered to open it, despite the non-stop knocking!
  • Stapy: And?
  • [ Liy · Pencil ]: Open it, Stapy.
  • Stapy: Kay-kay.

[Stapy opens the door. On the other side is David.]

  • Everyone: David?
  • David: Aw, seriously?
  • Pencil: Ah! We could understand you!
  • Match: Really? What did he, like, say?
  • Liy: He says hi.
  • David: Aw, seriously?
  • 8-Ball: Now he says, "There's more."

[David puts a record on the EXIT turntable and plays it. A strange, psychedelic track from the 1960s sounds and everyone starts dancing.]

Song: David

David: ♫ Aw, seriously? Aw, seriously? Aw, seriously? Aw, seriously?
Aw, seriously? Aw, seriously? Aw, seriously? Seriously, aw?

Aw, seriously? Aw, seriously? Aw, seriously? Aw, seriously?
Aw, seriously? Aw, seriously? Aw, seriously? Seriously, aw?

Chorus: And that's what he has to say
To explain how he got that way:
"Aw, seriously?"

David and Chorus: Seriously, aw! ♫

THE END

Deleted scenes[]

  • The very beginning scene:

[Night (a few months ago, as shown on a subtitle). Crickets can be heard chirping in the background. A car approaches the "Welcome to Mahaliland" sign. View of the inside of the car: Eraser is driving back to the TPOT filming area with Pen, Black Hole, Tree, Fanny, Remote and Lightning.]
Tree: I can't believe you stole a car.
Eraser: I can't believe you didn't stop me.
Lightning: To clarify, I think we all did!
Remote: Even Pen.
Pen: The man was going to visit his wife at the hospital!
Eraser: Whatever. This baby goes fast. And look, we're already here.

  • Tree was going to say "Holy moly" again as Balloony was being transported to the Filing Cabinet.
  • Instead of "under penalties of eternal death", the disembodied voice was going to say "so help me Algebralia".
  • The Filing Cabinet scene was going to be a bit longer, with at least every eliminated contestant having a line while inside. This was scrapped for time; besides, BFDI 14 barely focused on the eliminated players before the first competition.
  • Two was going to call Tennis Ball "Tenny Bally" (an attested nickname according to The Other Wiki) instead of "clumsy".
  • The official reason for the simultaneous rejoining of Tennis Ball and Needle was going to be explained by Two in these lines. (I did not have anything written after that.)

Two: When I told my supervisors—that's the Committee of Competition Show Ethics for Righteous Play or Annoying, or COCSEFRPOA [pronounced "coxa-ferpo"]—

  • There was going to be a scene with Snowball hitting a punching bag for about thirty seconds while emitting nonsense syllables.
  • Needle was originally going to switch between teams every episode, starting with this one. This was scrapped because the Ones disappeared before the announcement was to be made.
  • Towards the end of the episode, upon learning that TB doesn't have the warrior attitude that stereotypically "suits his people":

Snowball: How dare you call yourself a German!
Tennis Ball: [going inside] I don't! I am a Goikyan American!

Notes[]

  1. Just so happens that it's [number] days until Talk Like a Pirate Day in-universe.
  2. Forgot some Latin phrases from last time!
    • Sternuit unum cylindrum receptatorum - Two sneezes one cylinder of the recovered. (Abbreviated form of "sternuit ex naribus Duorum unum cylindrum mortuorum receptatorum dum sonus pediti uvidi auditur", "sneezes from the nostrils of Two at the navel one cylinder of the recovered dead people while the sound of moistened flatulence is heard")
    • Sternuit duos cylindros receptatorum - Two sneezes two cylinders of the recovered.
    • Sternuit tres, quattuor etc. - Two sneezes three, four etc. (see here for more information; alternatively, just use Roman numerals, e.g. "Sternuit XIII cylindros receptatorum as in TPOT 6)
    • Soni exspectati - Expected noises. (the Fake TPOT version of the P2O-typical "A.R.I.")
  3. This scene was animated by the same person who did the EXIT scenes in BFB 10.
  4. In common British usage (and also in British-influenced countries such as Ireland, Australia and Nigeria, the full stop (".") is not placed after abbreviations; thus it makes sense for American-influenced Remote to be shocked about it. (This was part of my personal Manual of Style on this wiki for quite a while.) However, this wasn't always the case; in the past, abbreviations apparently always included a full stop, for example, in this programme for a production of Patience in 1900.
  5. In Slovene (Katja's Gaty's native language), vi is the polite form to refer to a person who would otherwise be called ti.
  6. Tree is totally the kind of guy who listens to classical music.

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