Drill Sergeant Daddy

Unfinished story ahead! "Tonight we have to avoid completion of things, like, y'know ..." - Pen Finishing an article? This story is not finished, and due to the creator's schedule, it may need waiting. I suggest to all you readers that you be patient or make a suggestion with this story.

Warning! "Wot'n ale's fozz'r'ye doin'?" - Pencil This page contains profanity, like the sentence above. I have created two ways to censor those words, but I've also discovered that on mobile view, they lie uncensored. So please, show some cognoscience about what you may see. If you do have a problem with profanity, please refer to this page § 3.

"Drill Sergeant Daddy" is a new episode of Pencil 2.O, and until recently, there has been neither number nor date associated. In this episode, After being faced with the death of a colleague, Pen changes the way he treats his kids when asked to complete a project for someone

Federal Court of Courtes

• gavel^{[char tag?]}: Will the jury foreperson please stand? Has the jury reached a unanimous verdict?
• OJ: Yes.
• gavel^{[char tag?]}: If the jury has reached a verdict, the clerk will get the verdict form from the foreperson and had it to the judge. The judge will read it silently before handing it back to the clerk for the reading of the verdict.
• scrunchie^{[char tag?]}: The jury finds the defendant not guilty.
• gavel^{[char tag?]}: The jury is thanked and excused. Court is adjourned.
• Court Announcer: This concludes our mock trial in the Federal Court of Courtes. We thank all of you for coming today and for taking part in our program.
• gavel^{[char tag?]}: Wait a second, you hired me for a mock trial?
• OJ: Of course! I can't see any of this happening at a regular court here.
• Clover: It's about getting an former exile out of another country into Kenya.
• OJ: That doesn't have to mean we have to get all up Hiroo Onoda in the place.
• iodina^{[char tag?]}: Why would this happen at the Federal Court of Courtes? I thought this was the one that I had to do jury duty for.
• gavel^{[char tag?]}: No, the Federal Court of Courts is the one that is the one you must be in, not the Court of Courtes. See, there is another "e".
• iodina^{[char tag?]}: Aw, dijonnaise!
• gavel^{[char tag?]}: Where is the defendant?
• OJ: We have covered them with a large cloth, them referring to her and her husband. The public does not have a good opinion on them, My Lord.
• gavel^{[char tag?]}: The defendant is cube-shaped.
• Clover: Oh yeah. We have rented them a cage so they don't escape or show recognition, My Lord.
• gavel^{[char tag?]}: A defendant has the right to be seen, citizens!
• OJ: Then it is a good thing that almost everyone has left.

[Judge Gavel removes the cloth from the defendant's chair; underneath it are Leafy and Firey.]

• Leafy: Ah!
• Firey: Hello!
• OJ: You guys, you're free to go.
• Leafy: We would have known, but Firey was sleeping so well in there.
• Firey: Who cares, we can go now!

On the streets of Nairobi

• Firey: H- how long have we been walking?
• Leafy: A long time.
• Firey: This is terrible. We've been rejected from every house we wanted to buy.
• Leafy: Yeah, and we can't even get a realtor. Firey, you shouldn't ask if there are military discounts because that turns them down.
• Firey: Yeah, that's the thing. Leafy, ever since you've been at Yoyleland, you've been seen as a symbol of betrayal.
• Leafy: No, that's Quisling!
• Firey: That sport from those books where— Hey, wait! That leaves me with a great idea.
• Leafy: Which is? I mean, what?
• Firey: Do you remember that girl from the first season of BFDI?
• Leafy: Which one, there were ten, me being one of them!
• Firey: What was her name? Oh yeah, Bubble!
• Leafy: You want us to go to Bubble's house?
• Firey: Yeah! You know that I gained my memory of BFDI's past … Leafy … Bubble … frieeeeeeeeeeends. [he does the appropriate hand gestures]
• Leafy: Ex-friends. She tried to kill us with her little Vietnamese friend.
• Firey: Maybe you have a point. I mean, she's not going to be accepting at all.
• Leafy: Gee, that surely cheers up a lady. Now let's just go to Bubble's house and we can see if she'll let us in or not.

Bubble's house

• Bubble: Oi'd be glad to let you in!
• Firey: A house for us?
• Bubble: Of coirse! We do have a very special froindship.
• Leafy: Oh my gosh, thank you so much Bubble! I can't start telling you how bad I feel about betraying you … and you betraying me and me feeling bad about the feeling I got once I got betrayed …
• Firey: Bubble, let me just say that I can't wait to see what kind of interior you have!

Inside

• Leafy: It's very—
• Firey: Where are the furniture?
• Bubble: It is a part of my coilture to live the small loife. That means living in honest modesty and no flashy stuff.
• Firey: Bubble, your country is like the sixtieth richest country in the world. I'm sure you can afford stuff!
• Bubble: I'm sure you're roight. But I reject material culture, and Oi'm not one of those people who stalk celebrities on the Internet.

Pencil's house

• Pencil: Citlali, wot're'ee doin'?
• Citlali: Stalking celebrities on the Internet.
• Pencil: Turn'e off. Y'know the rules! No devices smaller than Daddy's ego a' the table.
• Citlali: Aw, come on! If I can't catch up on Greenlynn and Madagasker Card-Ash-Yin, how will I stay catch up on life?
• Pen: Yeah!
• Pencil: Y'agree with this, bruv?
• Pen: Of course. I think that a child has the ultimate right to know what's going on with the Card-Ash-Yin family, even if their theme of naming is misspelled islands.
• Pencil: Wote'er, m8! An' 'Avier, no playin' with food a' breakfast!
• Javier: I'm not playing with it, I'm composing it! It's good enough that you gave us alphabet soup for breakfast, I'm trying to recreate The Complete Works of Shakespeare, and I am 0.01% done!
• Pencil: I should'a known thet was a mistake.

[The phone rings.]

• Pencil: Nobody get thet!
• Salvador: [going to the phone] I don't follow directions.

[He picks up the phone. On the other line is Firey.]

• Firey: Hello?
• Salvador: Who is this?
• Firey: Um, it appears that I have the wrong number. I am looking for Pencil and Pen, who appear to have the same address according to the Green Pages.
• Salvador: DAD, MUM, IT'S FOR YOU!
• Ximena: Ow! I'm afraid of loud noises.
• Pen: I got it from here, son. [he takes the phone] Schreiber residence.
• Firey: Sir, you've got to come here!
• Pen: Firey, I'm a veteran soldier, not a 999 dispatcher. Where's "here" supposed to be?
• Firey: Bubble's house.
• Pen: Bubble's house?
• Pencil: Give me thet … aye, wot about Bubble's 'ouse?
• Firey: Woah, sir! Your voice turned into Pencil's!
• Pencil: No, this truly is Pencil.
• Firey: Wait. You guys live together?
• Pencil: Wot'n'ale? We're married!
• Firey: Huh? I could have sworn that Leafy and I were the only couple on the show.
• Pencil: If yer goin' to call us jus' to deny our existence or says Leafy's name, I'm a-leavin'.
• Firey: Wait!

[She hung up.]

• Sio: Mum, you're supposed to say "goodbye" before hanging up. I feel like this should be a more enforced rule around here!
• Yaretzi: So should the aboition of anger, yay!

[Pen is on his phone.]

• Pencil: Oi, give'e.
• Pen: Wait, it's important!
• Pencil: Okay, I shall wait.
• Citlali: Mum, the Card-Ash-Yins are important too.
• Pencil: I guess they are.
• Pen: Alright everyone, we have to go to Bubble's house.
• Pencil: An' we've got two kids still sleepin'. Pen, dear, wake 'em up please?
• Pen: Yes, honey.

[He goes upstairs.]

• Pencil: Alrigh', we're all goin' to Bubble's 'ome!
• Zorah: Is it far?
• Pencil: No, it's a' ther intersection o' Sierra Leone Street an' Liberia Lane.
• Yaretzi: Yay, I love street endings with four letters!
• Cil: Goo!

Girls' room

• Saye: Hey, everyone, today's going to be a really important day today; we're going to help out some of our friends. So in order to make this day better, why don't you all wake up?

[No response.]

• Pen: [from upstairs] HEY, PENC, THEY'RE NOT GETTING UP!
• Saye: [waking up] Uggh, we're awaaaaaake, Daddy.
• Zorah: Why so early, Dad, it's noon.

[Enter Pencil.]

• Pencil: Wot's goin' on, are they awake?
• Pen: Apparently they are now!
• Saye: Good morning, mum, dad, can I sleep now?
• Pen: There's no time, we have to leave, like, soon!
• Zorah: What's the big rush, there's not another Bar Mitzvah again, is there?
• Pen: No, look, your sisters are already coming in.
• Saye: I'm awake and hiding my diary, dad!

Downstairs

• Javier: What is with mother today? She's never usually this mean!
• Salvador: Are you kidding? Pencil's amazing right now. The only thing I'm worried about is Pen. He's starting to sound like you, Javier, just without that … y'know, thing you're known for.
• Javier: Intelligence?
• Salvador: Yeah.
• Sio: You do realise that he's always like this. I mean, when our mother acts mean, Dad becomes relatively nicer. It's a law that Lego taught me after we climbed Machu Picchu.
• Javier: You climbed Machu Picchu.
• Sio: Yeah! On Moogle Mirth.
• Salvador: Boo!

A few minutes later

• Pen: Alright everyone, Firey needs us and our mission is to help him.
• Saye: Wait. Firey from, like, BFDI?
• [ Saye · Citlali ]: Omg, omg, omg!
• Citlali: I heard that he won!
• Sio: It's too bad we didn't finish the series after mum left.
• Pencil: Aww, y'didn' watch the finale?
• Salvador: We didn't watch anything.
• Javier: Alright everyone, I have the directions for the car.
• Pencil: Car? Why drive an' waste precious petrol when we can walk?
• Zorah: Why walk?
• Pen: I don't think it's such a bad idea; it's a very short and easy route: we travel west from Kenya Key to Equatorial Guinea Extension, and from there we go north to the Neck of Nigeria, and if we travel west further, we'll end up at the intersection of Senegal Street and Liberia Lane.
• Yaretzi: Street endings with four letters, my favourite!
• Pencil: Why don't we all start walkin'?
• Sio: Yeah, let's go before weird things happen.

Song
Vocalist(s): All the former BFDI contestants

Pencil: Fer once we live Isolierung aus
Today we're off to Bubble's 'ouse,
As it's unknown why where we're go'n',
I'd like to see me friends.
Pen: We don't know why the invitation
Could it be just condemnation
For the fact that Leafy's back;
Her ire on us she spends.
Pencil: [spoken] Oh, bother, Leafy bein' back won' be a good thing fer either of us.
Pen: Yeah, it'd be awkward to see her again after we tried to, y'know …
Pencil: Oh, I know.
[The scene moves to other characters, who have also been invited.]
Match: How weird's this text to start the day?
I won't respondez s'il vous plaît
Eraser: Just park it, dear,
So then we'll hear
The sound of Bubble's voice.
Flower: I can't believe we have to go!
Snowball: We shan't see death for all I know!
Flower: Blah blah blah blah!
Snowball: Blee blee blee blee!
Blocky: Who cares, we have no choice!

Tennis Ball: Imprudence in most a degree
With passive aggresivity
In having known Firey alone
For L-E-A-F-Y.
Golf Ball: We can't ignore the flame's concerns
I shouldn't be a maid'n who spurns
Regardless of my ego's dove
Just Firey's only why-y-y!

Ice Cube: I'll never know why Firey made me come with,
It is trying just to waste my precious time.
Needle: Come on, Leafy was somebody I had fun with,
Wait, that doesn't rhyme!
Pin: Why must both of us be guiding the all the rejects
To this ngu ngốc thing at nhàm chán Firey's place!
I regret to see the old crew
And by old crew, I mean "mold crew"
Spongy: 'Cuuuuz oooof whaaaat's heeeer faaaace?

Everyone: Leafy, oooh, Leafy!
All guys: She's such a terror;
She also steals.
Everyone: Leafy, a girl of lore ye
All girls: Your fake sad story
Gives us no feels.
Everyone: Leafy, oooh, Leafy
You're using Firey
To make us come!
Tell me, oooh, tell me!
Pencil: You'll only be so—
Ice Cube: Nice but forceful—
Tennis Ball: Irremorseful—
Eraser: Lazy giver—
Spongy: Chiiii—
Needle: Don't call me Needy!
Pen: Apathetic—
Pencil: Full o' bad ick—
Coiny: Foe-admire-y—
Match: Love my Firey—
Golf Ball: Cheating dealer—
Pin: Island stealer—
Blocky: Raaaaaaaaa—
Flower: Gaaaaaaaaa—
Woody: Aaaaaaaaaa—
Snowball: Theththethetheth …
Everyone: Horribly, horribly, horribly, horribly,
Thievingly, extremèly dumb!
[Ending is a G-major chord.]

• Pencil: Whoo, thet was so fun!
• Pen: Our little impromptu musical number really got us together!
• Golf Ball: I agree, Tennis Ball, does this not remind you of our college orientation, 1981?
• Tennis Ball: Indeed! Now the only people who aren't with us are Flower and Snowball!
• Eraser: What can we say?
• Blocky: We still hate that thieving leaf.
• Tennis Ball: Yeah, about that …

[Suddenly, the kids appear, out of breath.]

• Salvador: Pencil, Pen, we're here.
• Pen: Snowball, back off. You have a restraining order against all of my children.
• Snowball: Damn it, son-of-a-houndess. First Teardrop, now thy children? Anger!
• Ximena: Dad, we're carrying these machines that you asked us for.
• Salvador: And I was the unlucky chap who got to carry Cil!
• Pen: We never asked you guys to carry any machines.
• Sio: Sorry, we just thought that if we got the stuff already, you would reward us by having us go to bed an hour later.
• Pencil: Absolutely not.
• Pen: Well, we can make an arrangement—
• Citlali: [screams] Oh my gosh, you're- you're the cast of BFDI! Blocky, Coiny, Flower, Golf Ball, Ice Cube, Pin, Rocky, Snowball, Spongy, Teardrop, Tennis Ball, Woody, Aunt Needle, Aunt Match, Uncle Eraser! It's all of you!
• Pencil: We feel obligated ter introduce'ee to our children: Sayé, Citlali, Salvador, Cil, Yaretzi, Sio, Qalam-Rassas, Ximena and Zorah.
• Tennis Ball: You brought your kids with you?
• Golf Ball: We would never do that. Our children attend four different universities in the Ivy League.
• Match: Oh great, the Ball family are back at it again with the I-vy League.
• Pin: #Takehisa, you've got a lot of children. Kenya's fertility rate hasn't even been at 9!
• Pen: Nine, what do you mean? We have ten kids!
• Pin: Yeah, and they've all got Mexican-ish names! What happened? You're Swahili and he's Greek.
• Pen: It's a long story, let's just say that.
• Pencil: [to Salvador] Oi, Chavo, no playin' on yer mobile when meetin' new people.
• Salvador: This isn't mine.
• Pencil: Fine, don' play on someone else's mobile.
• Golf Ball: Wow, Pencil. You have really matured and become motherly, and not that fun-loving girl you used to be.
• Pencil: [starting to cry] I know!
• Pen: By the way, is it okay with you guys if we stop at a sharpening facility? The wife needs help with her girl problems.
• Sio: Told you …

Outside the sharpening facility

• Coiny: Pen, I never thought that my sister-in-law would take this long.
• Needle: Sometimes we just need that to happen, Coiny.

[With the kids.]

• Saye: She should be out in a few.
• Salvador: What's she doing?
• Saye: I don't want to say this with grown-ups around, but … boys, this is what happens to Mum every month.
• Citlali: Me too!
• Saye: You? Since when?
• Citlali: Nothing, I just wanted to make a point.
• Saye: I learned in Proto-Biology that a girl, like our mother, will often have her point getting gradually duller and duller, due to this thingy that happens in the, like, atmosphere, and this will make things happen that might just interfere with our personalities. To get them back to normal they have to go to a sharpening facility. Like here.
• Sio: Well that makes sense.

[Enter Match hiding Pencil.]

• Match: Attention, everyone, it's the new and improved Pencil Badhrasa Carmencita Ohisa Triángolo Schreiber!

[Pencil is revealed; she looks exactly the same as in prior episodes.]

• Pen: Wow, she's hot!
• Pencil: Thanks! I feel so much better than usual!
• Golf Ball: Alright, how about we get the more irrelevant characters to speak here!
• Spongy: Moooooo …
• Match: Get out, Spongy, I can get, like, pepper spray.

Bubble's house

• Firey: Leafy, what you are going to do once they come here is greet them with open arms, and hug them.
• Leafy: That's all?
• Firey: Pretty much.
• Leafy: Yay! Hey, what are you eating?
• Firey: These? Oh, they're just some Congrats-on-Your-Reentry cupcakes from iiLetter.
• Leafy: But I stands for Inconspicuously and Inserted!
• Firey: So?
• Leafy: The cupcakes that iiLetter usually sends are filled with a particularly mean toxin that makes people all drowsy and lethargic and … basically Spongy. Just don't tell him I said that.

[The crowd of past contestants approach Bubble's house.]

• Everyone else: We want Leafy! We want Leafy!
• Leafy: They sound mighty angerful.
• Firey: Quick, hide in the closet!

Outside

• Blocky: Open up!
• Snowball: We know that you are thither!

[Enter Firey from the door.]

• Firey: Hey, guys!
• Citlali: Oh my gosh, Firey! You won BFDI!

[She is about to hug him.]

• Pen: Wait, Citlali! He's, y'know ...
• Citlali: Sorry, I hadn't realised that you've set fire to so many people during the show. I'll stop now!
• Firey: [after laughing a little bit] I guess you have no idea why I invited you here.
• Pin: Is Leafy here? I'd like a piece of her.
• Firey: Nope, she's ... still at Yoyleland!
• Leafy: [in the closet, to herself] Lying is mean, Firey!
• Pencil: Wot abou' Bubble? She's wot we came 'ere fer!
• Firey: She's the reason that I invited you here. Well, a third of it.
• Coiny: You know something, don't you?
• Firey: Yeah. That you're dumb!
• Coiny: I know you are but what am I?
• Firey: A giant—
• Pencil: Firey, not before the children.
• Ice Cube: Yeah! Some of us are insensitive to swearing fires! And G-rated fires ... come to think about it, all fires.
• Firey: Bubble shouldn't be back here until like 30 minutes from now. She's gone shopping for a surprise!
• Coiny: You don't even give a shiᏘ, don't you?
• Firey: I do, considering that it's my house.
• Tennis Ball: Being the second-in-command to my school, it's my job to make decisions for you. There I propose this: all of the men follow me, and women and young children just stay.
• Pencil: In the cold?
• Tennis Ball: Yes!

[They quickly split themselves: Blocky, Coiny, Eraser, Firey, Pen, Snowball and Tennis Ball against the others.]

Part of the house

• Tennis Ball: Alright, members of the male gender. We ... are going to make this house into a home.

[General caterwaul of acclamation.]

• Pen: What do you say, are you going to give us hard hats?
• Firey: And when you do, will they be resistant to fire?
• Tennis Ball: Actually, nothing will be necessary! All you need is this program I've got, and then you can see the infrastructural creation in real-time!
• Blocky: What?
• Eraser: Heinous! Heinous!
• Snowball: I should have known manual work was not necessary! [he punches a wall, leaving a hole through it]
• Coiny: We're going to need some stuff.

Outside

• Pencil: This is so unfair.
• Match: Yeah.
• Pencil: So much sexism's out 'ere, I swear.
• Match: Yeah.
• Pencil: We should start workin' ourselves, yeah?
• Match: Yeah. Wait, did you say working?
• Pencil: No, I said workin', there ain' a G in sight.
• Match: Never mind, leave us tied down, men.
• Golf Ball: I'm with you, sister.
• Match: What the hell do you want, GBGB?
• Golf Ball: [sigh] I remember in my day when my mother first applied to a job.
• Saye: Ooh, what was she?
• Golf Ball: A caddie.

[Beat.]

• Saye: Okay ...
• Golf Ball: Anyways, it was the year 1972, and my mother had been weening for an occupation. I had been taking care of myself at the humble age of eight. But when my momma stepped onto the green, applying, she was horribly rejected.
• Needle: So you let yourself think in that way just because of what happened 42 years ago?
• Golf Ball: Yeah! How else did I become the headmistress of the school?
• Zorah: Let me guess: head and mistress?
• Citlali: Zorah, thet's completely not PG-rated!
• Pencil: Well, I fer one shall stand up to this injustice! Why can't I be with the other guys?
• Match: Ooh, you want to be with Pen and watch him work, eh?
• Pencil: Maybe!

Song
Vocalist(s):

Pencil: So jus' acos I'm female means I sit on the sidelines,
Jus' acos I'm female means I've no respe't
Suppose we've outliven our masculine counterparts
Earth shall not perish yet!
[On the other side.]
Pen: Living as a male has got me wondering
Why is it that women can't be here with me?
It's not hard work, rather working with technology
They don't have stupidity.
[Sudden overview as in past episodes.]
[ Pencil · Pen ]: It's said in this country [ my · her ] rights have progressed,
Yet according to the Balls, segregation's best.
Some day soon, equality shall thrive.
Salvador: [with a selfie stick] I am sorry, Internetizens, I filmed this live.
Pen: Just the fact that she's a woman—
Pencil: —gives me unemployment.
Leafy: Closets aren't really a working space, too!
So if those men don't appreciate my sanity,
[she slams the door open] Them all, that's who!

• Sio: What was that sound?
• Match: It sounded pretty ugly.

[The women and children rush inside. They see Leafy, and then scream.]

• Pin: Leafy!
• Citlali: OMH, I'm your biggest fan! [realising] Sorry, I hadn't realised that you hated her in real life too.
• Needle: Firey was lying about you! Girls, let's give him a piece of our minds!

[Agreeing statements. They approach Firey, who is reclining one of those beach chairs you can buy at those stores.]

• Firey: Hey, girls, what's up?
• Golf Ball: The jig is! [Beat.] Teardrop, stop dancing. [she stops]
• Pencil: We know ye brought in Leafy.
• Firey: So?
• Pin: You know we all hate her!
• Firey: I don't care.
• Ximena: You don't care?
• Saye: You may think that you're lucky that all the women and children that you so ungraciously segregated can not beat an adult male up, but you're wrong.
• Ice Cube: Yeah, we've got the power to tell the men that they can fight you!
• Firey: Oh, them? They're just getting materials to patch up this embarrassing hole that Snowball punched.

[Enter all the men who got separated from the women and children.]

• Five of the men sans Tennis Ball: Hut hut hut hut!
• Tennis Ball: [slowly following] Yes indeed ... hut.
• Firey: Hey, will you let them know that there is nothing wrong with letting Leafy stay here?
• Blocky: What?
• Snowball: Thou lettest that thief in this house?
• Match: That's it, we're, like, out of here. [going, but stops] Unless you still love me.
• Firey: No.
• Match: Come on, let's go!

[Everyone leaves. At the same time, enter Javier, who has not appeared since the scenes at the house.]

• Javier: Excuse me, but have you seen my parents?
• Firey: If I have, they probably betrayed me.
• Javier: Oh, what did they do?

Behind the house

• Tennis Ball: Are we really just going to be in the back of the house; you can see all of us from the that Kenyazillow shot!
• Coiny: Don't worry, Tennis Ball, he's too stupid to know!