Pencil and Pen shabbat

Unfinished story ahead!

"Tonight we have to avoid completion of things, like, y'know ..." - Pen
Finishing an article? This story is not finished, and due to the creator's schedule, it may need waiting.

I suggest to all you readers that you be patient or make a suggestion with this story.

Asterisk Hedge


"Wot'n ale's fozz'r'ye doin'?" - Pencil
This page contains profanity, like the sentence above. I have created two ways to censor those words, but I've also discovered that on mobile view, they lie uncensored. So please, show some cognoscience about what you may see.

If you do have a problem with profanity, please refer to this page § 3.

"Dates and Schoolgates" is a new episode of Pencil 2.O, and until recently, there has been neither number nor date associated. In this episode, After seeing how reliant on technology the family are, Citlali decides to make a change for the worse

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

After school

  • Pencil: Oi, kids, 'ow was school?

[Spoken almost at the same time.]

  • Sio: The Inventing Club raised enough money to buy a new computer!
  • Salvador: I stole some random nerd's phone!
  • Javier: Yeah, the nerd being me.
  • Salvador: Well, it was random.
  • Ximena: At school I tried on new electric glasses for our class of "optic safety".
  • Yaretzi: In English we learned the dangers of cyber bullying!
  • Zorah: And I found the good in the evil!
  • Qalam-Rassas: We had nothing to do, so we watched Aunt Match all day on her phone! Did you know she's on her 36th boyfriend? And that's just this year!
  • Cil: Goo! Goo! Goo!
  • Pencil: Woah woah woah, hold on. I 'aven' got time to reac' ter e'erythin' now e'en though I've lived with'ee so long thet I understood e'erythin' ye lot says. Let's talk o'er 'e h'a' the dinner table, yeah?


  • Pencil: Wot'n'ale's goin' on 'ere?
  • Salvador: Mum, we're reading!
  • Pencil: Readin' a wot?
  • Sio: It's the Mandatory School Paper.
  • Pencil: Oh. When I was there we got a school paper too. 'Xcep' 'e was a real bein', always a-yellin' at us to get a copy of 'e. I always wondered wot 'appened ter'e.

[Cut to the mall.]

  • Jegging: Alright, Mr Fat Ghost, it says your only experience with working was in a publishing house for the Nairobi School System. You are the perfect candidate for Fashion 4 Words.

[Cut back home.]

  • Pencil: Somethin's wrong 'ere … [she counts her children] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 … Where are Saye'n Lallie?

[Enter Saye and Citlali as she speaks. Citlali is carrying a large robot.]

  • Citlali: Hey, we're home!
  • Pencil: Saye, Citlali, wot're'ee doin' 'ome late?
  • Saye: I'm in charge of the class robot! Isn't that right, Bloodguts?
  • Bloodguts: No you are not.
  • Saye: Shut up, Bloodguts!
  • Bloodguts: Yes I am open for business?
  • Saye: Okay, let's firs' talk about the name "Bloodguts".
  • Bloodguts: No, I want to talk about the pyramids.
  • Saye: I'm going to my room and tweet about my horrible ubutu time! And there's going to be a lot of exclamation marks as well!

[She runs up to her room.]

  • Pencil: Wow. She seems upset.
  • Citlali: She made me carry Bloodguts—
  • Bloodguts: Who built them?
  • Citlali: I mean, the robot, all the way home!
  • Pencil: I'll go 'ave a steadily moral quibble with'a.
  • Citlali: Yeah, mum, you do your quibbling inelectrically, haha!

[Pencil's phone beeps.]

  • Pencil: Omg, TWUO is back!
  • Citlali: You mean TWOW—
  • Pencil: No, me game thet Aunt Match recommended to me! Tower Warders Under Orders requires ultimate skill to be a fair maiden 'o rescues the bodyguards o' the Crown Jewels of the British, thereby reversin' the traditional gender roles o' the man savin' the woman! It updates e'ery two hours, but'e gives me a better opportunity acos, well, would'ee rather a game update a little all the time er a game update a lot o'er long periods o' time? [she looks, and Citlali has gone] An' she's gone.

Girls' room

  • Citlali: I can't believe I have to do this.
  • Saye: You'd better believe it, because I'm so mad! Stupid robot.

[Citlali hears the door faintly open.]

  • Citlali: Dad's home!


  • Pen: Anyone here?
  • Citlali: Daddy! [running down] Ladies and gentlemen, the only sane person is here!
  • Pen: Sane person? [seeing the people of the house all on electronics] I see you have a point!
  • Citlali: Dad, they're zombies. Nobody's going to do anything at all and they're just going to be on their phones!
  • Pen: In that case … [gets his phone out]
  • Citlali: Noooooooooooooooo!
  • Pen: Sorry, Lallie, but you know what Mum says about peer pressure.
  • Citlali: Phone zombies, the lot of you!

[Nobody notices nor takes offence. She goes upstairs, where she bumps into Saye.]

  • Saye: Oi, watch it! I just lost the list of all my PioPio followers!
  • Citlali: Calm down, it's just a list!


  • Pencil: [not looking up] How was your day, dear?
  • Pen: Our work computers crashed so I couldn't work overtime enough, and now it's my job to do the monthly immigration reports. Also, Ximena, you have an eye appointment tomorrow so you'll have to miss school.
  • Ximena: [monotonously] Aww, I mean yay.

Guest room

TV Dad: I don't understand what's wrong with being a family of Amazon warriors!
TV Kid: Mom #5, can you please pass the toilet plunger to Dad #32?
TV Mum: I can feel the moonlight pulsating against my King James Bible.
  • Citlali: Wow, all of those weird families have their own TV shows. Woah, wait a minute!

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Before school

  • Pen: Alright, kids, have a good day!
  • Citlali: Alright, dad!
  • Ximena: Bye!
  • Saye: Why does Mona get to stay home from school and not me?
  • Pencil: She's got an eye appointmen' today.[1]

[General acclamation.]

  • Pen: So what did happen last night?
  • Pencil: I don' know, m8! The kids jus' came 'ome from school, Saye'n Citlali late, an' then we ate dinner an' fell asleep.
  • Pen: It felt weird, as if we were in some kind of magical spell … [he sees a flash of light] Pencil!
  • Pencil: [on her phone] I'm sorry, but TWOA jus' updated itself an' this time, it's allowin' users to choose wot faces the guards 'ave, so guess 'o's face I'm a-usin'?
  • Pen: William Shaft-ner?
  • Pencil: No, you! Don't'ee look good? I mean, sure'ee've got a beard, but I've seen us in 'uman form an' you're jus'—
  • Ximena: Mummy, time to get ready for the eye doctor!

[There is a knock on the door.]

  • Pencil: I wonder 'o could thet be.

[She opens the door.]

  • Pencil: Hello.
  • Telecam: Hello, stranger.
  • Pen: Ma'am, if you're coming here just to try to convert me, I'll have you know that my family's been Jewish since before the Charleston!
  • Telecam: No no no, I'm not here because of another religion. I'm here to … well … get to the bigs. How would you and your family like to be stars of a TV show?
  • Pen: [shocked] Yes!
  • Pencil: Why so certain, m8?
  • Pen: Well, I feel like the world needs to see one thing … and that's me!
  • Telecam: I'm glad you support my offer, and now it's time for me to call my boss.

[She gets out her phone.]

  • Pen: Er, excuse me, but are you, by any chance, part of that dumb koala company?
  • Telecam: Why, no! I work for "A Koala Walks Dumbly", but I can see why you're worried.
  • Pen: Yeah, the director's director tried to flirt with my daughter.
  • Telecam: Don't worry, because he got arrested in some bar incident and management has changed.
  • Pencil: Funny 'ow things get around, y'know. [She walks away.]
  • Pen: What are you doing?
  • Pencil: I'm a-gettin' a call from Match fer somethin', an' I didn' wan' ter alienate'ee by 'a'in' me an' this fine door lady.

[Ximena goes downstairs.]

  • Ximena: Woah, who's at the door?
  • Pen: This is … do I know your name?
  • Telecam: Yes, my name is Telecam Era.
  • Ximena: Omg! I know you!
  • Pen: You do?
  • Ximena: Yeah, I always see your name before all of those TV shows on the Waizinyi Channel!
  • Telecam: That's because I make the shows.
  • Ximena: OMG! [she faints]
  • Pen: Sorry, she faints when she gets starstruck.
  • Telecam: Good because I have to still make that call.

[Pen looks at her strangely for saying that Ximena's fainting was good.]

Alternating between the kitchen and living room

  • Telecam: Hello, sir?
  • Pencil: Omg, Match, 'appy anniversary, luv!
  • Telecam: Yes, I have the family.
  • Pencil: Wot, o' course I ne'er forgot thet the day you an' Eraser met was this Friday; Pen remembers the day too!
  • Telecam: What did you say, sir? I can't understand you.
  • Pencil: Sure, 'twasn' a good one fer 'im, but still.
  • Telecam: Oh, what distinguishes them from the rest!
  • Pencil: Aye, wot's'e?
  • Telecam: Yes, sir, I will ask them as soon as they sign the contract.
  • Pencil: O' couse, you can come o'er 'ere any time.
  • Telecam: Bye.
  • Pencil: Bye!


  • Saye: No, I can't believe what I'm hearing!
  • Ms. Solarion: Excuse me, but Pencil, are you talking on your phone … in class?
  • Saye: Yeah, what're ye going to do about it?

[Cut to a lunch detention.]

  • Saye: Screw this place!

[She ditches the detention.]

Club meeting

  • Golf Ball: Now, Mr. Quispe, your club is up next.

[The Inventing Club go to the headmistress.]

  • Golf Ball: Be quick; I'm timing you!
  • Lego: Headmistress Ball, our club is the Inventing Club.
  • Golf Ball: What do you do in Inventing Club?
  • Lego: We make things.
  • Golf Ball: You recently purchased a computer for your club, is that right?
  • Lego: Yes, señora, it is.
  • Golf Ball: And what is the name of your club?
  • Lego: Inventing Club.

[Meanwhile, in the background.]

  • Sio: Hello, Eisenhower's, I'd like to place an order.
  • Sharpener: You're taking a call now? And for pizza?
  • Sio: Hey, man, I've got to eat.
  • Map: What, that's so ridiculous! You know, unless you order for me too.
  • Shieldy: Tell the person I'd like an anchory and pineapple pizza!
  • Map: That's honestly really disgusting. Who puts pineapple on pizza?
  • Sharpener: The people of Hawaii do.
  • Map: Cool, where's that? [he looks at himself through a mirror] Oh, wait.
  • Sio: Yes, for the third time, you've got our order correct.

[With Lego and Golf Ball.]

  • Golf Ball: Sorry not sorry, but you have to choose a name if you want to get out of my office.
  • Lego: I don't really know anymore, but since we got that computer I guess we've went from the guys who make to the guys to code.
  • Golf Ball: Really?
  • The other boys: YES, THAT'S RIGHT![2]
  • Golf Ball: YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL! Anyways, I'm going to deny you the special privileges.
  • Lego: What? Why?
  • Golf Ball: For one thing, your club has existed for 124 days ...
  • Shieldy: Hey, that's the smallest number where its first 3 multiples contain the digit 2!
  • Map: And you say your math level is Grade 4.
  • Golf Ball: Let me finish! Your club has existed for 124 days, and there have been no females present. What have you got to say about that?
  • Lego: We don't really think of it as a club, more like a friend gathering.
  • Sio: Yeah, it's not like we don't let other people in.
  • Sharpener: They just don't know about us because we're kind of unpopular.
  • Golf Ball: Then un-unpopular yourself! And if you don't have any female members by Thursday, I'm cancelling your club!
  • Shieldy: So, we can still be friends together.
  • Golf Ball: And I'm taking away your computer!
  • Lego: On second thought, we'd better find some more people.


  • Pencil: 'Ow many contracts mus' we sign, m8?
  • Telecam: Only the 124 left.
  • Pencil: 124!? Ain' thet the number where—
  • Pen: Penc, you want us all to end up on the boob tube, eh?
  • Pencil: Boob tube? Really?
  • Telecam: Are you even reading the contracts?
  • Pencil: O' course not! I mean, it's like the terms of use when y' go on a new website, no one reads 'em, silly.
  • Telecam: O-kay!
  • Ximena: Mummy, can we go to my eye doctor now?
  • Pencil: In a minute … [going through the contracts] Or ten.
  • Pen: I've got to be at work before someone notices I'm gone. See ya!
  • Pencil: Bye, me love!

[They kiss goodbye. Exit Pen.]

  • Ximena: Bleh!
  • Pencil: Oh, you'll get thet one day.
  • Telecam: You're funny! Mind if I video you?
  • Pencil: Er, not before the kids!
  • Ximena: What the heck?
  • Pencil: Don' worry, Mona, I'll take'ee to th' eye doctor.
  • Ximena: Goodie!

Biology class

  • Mr. Tally: … and this is why humans here usually live around 60 years old.
  • Saye: Yo, Mark! [stands up]
  • Mr. Tally: My name is Mr. Tally, Ms. Schreiber.
  • Javier: Yeah, Saye![3]
  • Saye: Shh! It's bad enough we have to sit next to each other.
  • Mr. Tally: [sigh] What do you need?
  • Saye: I don't need to know the human biological systems.
  • Mr. Tally: It's the education system that's making me do it, and besides you weren't called on, so sit down please.
  • Saye: [starts to cry] Okay, I will!
  • Fierovio: Psst … Saverio …
  • Javier: Shh, we shan't speak during the teacher's lesson!
  • Fierovio: But this is molto importante!
  • Javier: Okay!
  • Fierovio: Out of my pen ink; there is a way in which you can ... uh ... [points to his cap]
  • Javier: Of course! But make sure that nobody can see it.
  • Fierovio: Certamente!
  • Javier: Here goes. [he takes a bottle of ink from his backpack and fills up his pen]
  • Fierovio: Grazie.
  • Javier: No 'lem!
  • Fierovio: 'Lem?
  • Javier: Isn't that short for problem in this neck of the woods?
  • Fierovio: I know, I'm not from here ... and what is a neck in the woods?
  • Javier: Oh, that's—
  • Saye: If you both don't shut up about slang of the mid-2010s I'm going to—
  • Mr. Tally: Saye, what did I say about talking while I talk?
  • Saye: You didn't say anything about that … "It's the education system that's making me do it, and besides you weren't called on, so sit down please." I specifically heard you talking about standing in the middle of class, not talking.
  • The whole class: Ooh!
  • Chocolatey: [on the other side of the room] You go, girl!
  • Mr. Tally: Yes, Chocolatey, thanks for that. You go, girl.
  • Saye: What?
  • Mr. Tally: To the Headmistress's office.
  • Saye: No, why?
  • Javier: He said "go", did you not hear?

[Exit Saye angrily.]

  • Mr. Tally: What was that?
  • Chocolatey: She's just mad because she's on—
  • Javier: Okay, Chocolatey, no need to state the details!
  • Fierovio: [to Perdita] Eh, Perdita, ho qualcuno che può riempire le nostre penne per noi! E gratis questa volta![4]
  • Perdita: È questo per reale? Aspetta, ho intenzione di provare.[5] Me, Saverio'm sorry, but you can fill up my pen too? I need to write some notes.
  • Javier: Of course, Perdita!

[He does the same thing.]

  • Perdita: Grazie!
  • Javier: Wow! For the first time in history, I'm actually popular!

Eye doctor

  • Dr. Lens: Ximena Schreiber, try to see if you can read all of the letters.
  • Ximena: Got it. Wait, do I need a helmet first?
  • Dr. Lens: Nope! All that you need to do is read.
  • Ximena: Yay! [reading] E …
  • Dr. Lens: Next row.
  • Ximena: M … M …
  • Dr. Lens: Next row.
  • Ximena: A … W … A …
  • Dr. Lens: Next row.
  • Ximena: T … S … O … N.
  • Dr. Lens: Now what about this character? [points to a very complicated-looking Chinese character]
  • Ximena: I can't read that, sorry.
  • Pencil: Oh, thet's the symbol fer'm biangbiang noodles!
  • Dr. Lens: [laughs] That was a joke, she needn't not read that, only the adults have to. Your daughter's vision is perfect!
  • Pencil: 'Ear thet, Mona, yer vision's perfect!
  • Ximena: Thank you, Dr. Lens! Wait … does that mean I don't get glasses?
  • Dr. Lens: Of course not, you don't need them!
  • Ximena: Oh.
  • Pencil: It's okay, Mona, one o' yer brothers er sisters may be worse than'ee. [to the doctor] Starts with J an' ends in Avier, if'ee knows wot I mean.
  • Dr. Lens: Well, even through your eyesight is perfect, there are still glasses you can try on for fun or fashion, for that matter.
  • Ximena: Cool!

[She runs to the glasses stands, picking out which glasses she wants.]

  • Ximena: No, no, no, no, no … definitely not.
  • Pencil: Find anythin'ee like?
  • Ximena: I want the new fancy electric ones!
  • Dr. Lens: Oh, you mean the ones that answers your own voice and can take photographs and video things that you look at?
  • Ximena: Yeah, those!
  • Dr. Lens: I'm sorry, but they don't come out until Friday.
  • Ximena: No!
  • Pencil: Ah, no worries. Doctor, 'ow much do these new goggly innits cos'?
  • Dr. Lens: In Japan, currently they cost 80,000 yen.
  • Pencil: Doctor, we live in Kenya, an' we use a completely differen' currency.
  • Dr. Lens: In shillings that is … 80,000.
  • Pencil: Wot? [to Ximena] Don' worry, we can totally do thet.
  • Ximena: But I want them now!
  • Pencil: Sorry, but it's jus' thet we've got to wait. 'Tis wot it's.
  • Dr. Lens: Thanks for visiting, Mrs. Schreiber. I shall be checking your vision, too, young one.
  • Cil: Goo!


  • Pencil: Wot'n the wide world of examinations're goin' on 'ere?
  • Ximena: There are more things happening than not happening!
  • Telecam: I'm glad you're noticing this … I'm transforming your house into the set of the new TV show!
  • Ximena: There's going to be a show on the telly, and it's going to be shot at our house? Who's going to be in it?
  • Telecam: Why, you all are!
  • Pencil: It's true … all of us're goin' to be on a television show!
  • Ximena: [who is now jumping up and down] A TV show, oh boy! I can't wait to tell the others!
  • Telecam: But before we get this thing started, I just need to tell you two things, and let me be blunt about it.
  • Pencil: Okay.
  • Ximena: Careful, Ms. Era, my mum reacts to nearly everything!
  • Telecam: We found out that your house is infested—
  • Pencil: No! It can't be true! We'd better call an exterminator.
  • Telecam: Hold it. Your house is actually infested with copyrighted material all over the place!
  • Pencil: An'?
  • Telecam: Do you ever watch reality shows where they blur out the names of the brands?
  • Pencil: Aye, why?
  • Telecam: They do that because it's not allowed to show products uncovered on the television for fear of being sued, so they cover it up.
  • Pencil: I see, so wot'r'ee goin' to do of'e? You can't blur out th' 'ole 'ouse!
  • Telecam: Actually …

[Sheets of translucent glass fall around the boundaries of the house.]

  • Pencil: Wot'n'ale?
  • Telecam: We did blur out the whole house!
  • Pencil: Oh, wait until they see this …
  • Telecam: And this brings us to our next problem … All TV shows in Riverwood are, in some way, unique from each other. We can't have another family sitcom without any distinguishing characteristics around here, do you understand?
  • Pencil: No, I don'.
  • Telecam: Well, Pencil, what would you say about your family that sets them apart from the rest of the families out here?
  • Pencil: Well …

[The door opens, and seven of the kids return home. They stand, shocked at the new scene.]

  • Sio: Woah!
  • Qalam-Rassas: Why are there cameras around the house?
  • Zorah: What's with the camera?
  • Javier: Okay, is it my vision or is the house going blurrier?
  • Salvador: It's your vision, squidwomb.
  • Citlali: No, Avi's right. I see it too. But what?

[Telecam pulls Pencil aside.]

  • Telecam: Are all of those children yours?
  • Pencil: Aye … I've got ten.
  • Telecam: That's just nonsense! I saw seven walk through the door just now, and you have Masonia and the baby with you.
  • Pencil: Aye, wot gives?
  • Telecam: That is nine children. Unless you have some sort of ghost child.
  • Pencil: Well, thet is jus' rude! Me eldes' daughter's … not 'ere. She's probably doin' somethin' rebellious.

[Cut to after-school detention, where Saye is spray painting the classroom. Cut back home.]

  • Telecam: Ooh, a rebellious older daughter! I'm already taking notes.
  • Pencil: On wot?
  • Telecam: Nothing actually, we producers just like drawing in air. Y'know, like it's a spelling bee of some sort. Anyways, if you have ten kids, you must consider yourself different from many families in Kenya, right?
  • Pencil: I wouldn' says differen', more like eccentric.
  • Telecam: Interesting. You know that they've already done a show with a lot of children before.
  • Pencil: Really? Which one?
  • Telecam: 18 Kids and Counting … or is it 19, I can't remember when I last checked.
  • Pencil: Well, there's got to be somethin' distinguishable about us …
  • Telecam: I've got it! Your husband is Greek, right?
  • Pencil: Aye, well, to be more precise, 'e's Greek-Canadian-Kenyan.
  • Telecam: Either way, you are different from him.
  • Pencil: Thet's true, but—
  • Telecam: Our show can have the first family whose parents are an interracial couple! It's getting to be a more prominent issue in Kenya, they say.
  • Pencil: Y'crazy? Wot's race got to do with'e … [it echoes for some reason]
  • Telecam: Oh, but we can't do that … they've already tried that on the Firey and Leafy show, which you may know as that Battle for Dream Island.
  • Pencil: Wait, thet's it!
  • Telecam: What's it?
  • Pencil: We can be the show to show people wot our lives is like after BFDI!
  • Telecam: That does sound plausible in the context of the show. Many people are fans of Battle for Dream Island, and they never saw the completion of the sequel, so a spin-off series does sound popular. What do you think we should call it?
  • Pencil: Maybe I'll jus' ask fer permission from me 'usband, m8.

Guest room

  • Telecam: Alright, children, when you sit in the chair, tell me something about you that makes you you. You go first.
  • Sio: Hey, you know what makes me me? I really hate when people hang up the phone without saying goodbye. Everyone does it and I have no idea why!
  • Telecam: Interesting … next!
  • Javier: I feel as if this question is pretty hard to understand. I mean, we come from some unknown location every hundred years, but my siblings and I have been synthesised after some people's deaths.
  • Telecam: Wow … next!
  • Citlali: I—
  • Pencil: [getting out of the washroom] Wot'n … y' got all the kids in queue! 'Ow'd'ee do thet? I can't e'en get'em to stay standin' fer a few seconds!

[Flashback. All the kids are playing.]


[Real life.]

  • Citlali: There was no ice cream.
  • Telecam: Next!
  • Citlali: But I didn't get to—
  • Telecam: NEXT!

[Yaretzi goes to the seat.]

  • Yaretzi: What makes me … I think it's just the quality of being nice to people. Y'know, things like doing good deeds and eating once everyone gets to the table!
  • Telecam: [groans] Next!
  • Zorah: Well, sugar, what makes me is being nice as well, just in a lady-like manner, like the way they did in the Southern United States, Alassippi, grits, farming! I'm like Yarisis here, but conceived 20 milliseconds newer, y'all!

[Some people laugh.]

  • Javier: That is the worst fake accent I've ever heard.
  • Zorah: Up your— I mean, bless my heart!
  • Salvador: The person who came next to you is not really that nice! She's a witch!
  • Zorah: Lies, lies!
  • Telecam: Then what do you like doing?
  • Salvador: I love crushing my enemies with my bare hands!
  • Telecam: Interesting … nice!
  • Ximena: I love rainbows, butterflies, lollipops and unicorns!
  • Sio: You never told us that before.
  • Ximena: Exactly.
  • Telecam: Next!
  • Qalam-Rassas: I love my school! It's so fun and we even get to not learn but watch Auntie Match's love life!
  • Telecam: Interesting … next!
  • Cil: Goo!
  • Telecam: And can you say anything other than that?
  • Cil: Goo!
  • Pencil: Wot, thet's crazy! 'E spoketh to me before!
  • Javier: He couldn't have … Cil can't speak except for—
  • Cil: Goo!
  • Javier: That.
  • Telecam: Alright, then. Everything is done! We just need to have one change. Citlali, you're fired.
  • Citlali: What? But I was the one who sent you here fabulously auditioned.
  • Telecam: Actually, you practically said nothing except for ice cream. And for that, you won't be allowed to be cast onto the show or else I would be in great legal trouble.
  • Citlali: But … but … being on TV was my whole life's goal!
  • Pencil: Aye, she's me daughter!
  • Citlali: How can I be on TV if nobody recognises me! Are you going to blur out my face?
  • Telecam: Nope. Better.


  • Citlali: Let go of me, you … you Trojan horse!
  • Telecam: I'm sorry, but it's for the good of you. And us. And the production company!
  • Citlali: What? But we never go to the attic; only to get out the Christmas décor!
  • Telecam: It's your new home.
  • Citlali: I'm going to call my agent! Wait, I don't have an agent …

[She shuts the door, leaving Citlali in total darkness. She touches around to find a light switch, and she turns it on. A few boxes are scattered around the corners of the room, and a large empty space i]

  • Citlali: Ah! This place … this place is totally awesome! I mean, there's a whole empty spot there right for my bed.

[Then, show the montage of Citlali bringing things from her room and up into the attic.]


  • Pencil: An' 'ere's yer food.

[General acclamation.]

  • Pencil: Lallie, y'can come down now!
  • Citlali: No thanks, I'm good up here!
  • Pencil: Okay, but we'll send'a food.

[Everyone goes on their phones.]

  • Telecam: Does everyone use electronics during dinner?
  • Pencil: We're not supposed to, but I jus' got a new game!
  • Yaretzi: And it's not Ritual School Paper night, so we're just doing games!
  • Telecam: [sigh] I remember a time when we didn't use machines at the table, and simply talked to each other.

[The door opens. Enter Pen.]

  • Pen: She's here, she's here, she's here … [runs up the stairs]
  • Ximena: Has Father Christmas come?
  • Pen: No, worse!

[Enter Minola and Popsicley.]

  • Minola: Ladies, and gentlemen! Shinsa sungnyŏ yŏrŏbun![6]
  • Popsicley: We understand that at this time you might be eating dinner. With a guest. But what you'll see right now is really disturbing.
  • Qalam-Rassas: You're in our house! That's the disturbing thing.
  • Minola: Drumroll, please.

[Popsicley does a drum roll.]

  • Minola: And now … presenting the girl you are waiting for …

[Chocolatey, Boat and Shelly bring Saye inside as they stand outside the door. For some reason she is trapped inside a cage, and the point below her is nearly non-existent.]

  • Chocolatey: Ok, S-family, here she is!
  • Saye: GET. OUT!
  • Boat: Hey, we'd better go. Come on, girls!

[Exit the Friendship group.]

  • Pencil: Me God, Saye, y'look awful! But we've got news fer'ee … we're goin' to be on the telly on a new series!
  • Telecam: I don't need you to audition because just by dramatically entering you have proven me worthy of hiring you! Yay!

[Everyone else at the table cheers. Pen gets the cage carrying Saye.]

  • Pen: Oh, my daughter … I guess you have to go to a place where no man's ever stepped.

[He throws the cage up to the attic. Citlali screams.]

  • Telecam: So, are electronics the only thing you do during the dinner table!
  • Zorah: Yeah.
  • Javier: Pretty much.
  • Telecam: But that's boring! Not only was Leafy the only one who carried a cell phone during all of BFDI, but there's already a TV show with people obsessed with electronics, called Why Don't You Turn Off Your Television for One Moment and … never mind.

Girls' room

  • Pen: One, two, three … Aren't there five of you?
  • Yaretzi: Usually, but Citlali's spending the night at the attic.
  • Zorah: And we threw out Saye's cage to the backyard.
  • Ximena: Shh, that's a secret!
  • Pen: Why?
  • Yaretzi: She's scary as a bad word I'm not supposed to say.
  • Ximena: She clawed through my Spongy doll!
  • Pen: Aside from the question on why you own a plush version of one of the most irrelevant BFDI character in history, I'll let you sleep as just the three of you, but if Saye does come back tomorrow, you have to let her with you, capisce?
  • [ Yaretzi · Ximena ]: Kaposh!
  • Zorah: Whatever.
  • Voice: [extremely faintly] Aww!
  • Pen: Did you hear that?
  • Yaretzi: Yeah, Zorah's already sleeping!
  • Ximena: Good point.
  • Pen: Good night, girls.
  • Yaretzi: Night!

Thursday, March 13, 2014


  • Sun: Just great, another nightmare. Sixteenth time this week. Give me a break, woman!

[The kids go downstairs.]

  • Javier: [sigh] I had a real bad dream last night.
  • Zorah: Let me guess. You were being watched by Big Brother!
  • Javier: Close … I was watching Big Brother.
  • Sio: I actually did have a dream that someone was watching me.
  • Salvador: Same! Usually, I'm the one doing the watchity-watching.
  • Yaretzi: Wait, do you actually think that we're being watched right now?
  • Qalam-Rassas: I don't know, I'm only six.
  • Ximena: [looking up] Please don't watch us, person watching me!
  • Zorah: And who are you speaking to?
  • Javier: You mean, to whom are you—
  • Zorah: Shut up now.
  • Ximena: Where are Mummy and Daddy?
  • Sio: I don't know … usually, they're always out here.
  • Cil: Goo!
  • Javier: That is a good idea, we should definitely go to their room.
  • Sio: Alright, Chavo, Ximena, Cil and QR, you go check the attic and see if Lallie's dead.
  • Javier: If my twin-by-3 planck seconds were dead, I would be proud for knowing it first, grieve, and then feel a mixture of griving and smug upper knowledge.
  • Sio: I'll take Avi, Zorah and Izzie up.
  • Yaretzi: Excuse me, but I go by Izzy, not Izzie.
  • Sio: We have no time for a spelling bee, we have to see if everyone's okay!
  • Salvador: Wait, why can't we go with you?
  • Sio: I've seen this on TV shows; when parents don't get out of the room in the morning, they're usually—
  • Zorah: Don't say it!
  • Sio: I was going to say "still sleeping", but okay.

Parents' room

  • Javier: Why aren't Mummy and Daddy here?
  • Sio: Climate change, bad economy, a book signing.
  • Javier: I meant why aren't they in this room?
  • Pencil: Kids, is thet ye? 'Elp us!
  • Yaretzi: I think that's them!
  • Zorah: Or we could stay outside.
  • Sio: Come on.


  • Pencil: Oi, thank God y'came ter 'elp us from 'ere.
  • Zorah: Why, what happened?
  • Pen: Apparently someone thought that it was a good idea to lock us both in the bathroom's shower-and-toilet area.
  • Yaretzi: Yay, I love showers and toilets!
  • Pen: But not to brag, but your father stayed cool and collected during the whole process.
  • Pencil: The part o' the loo from which we were locked 'ad no mirror. Don' think ye was cool an' collected.
  • Pen: That's not true!
  • Pencil: It was.

[Cut to last night.]

  • Pen: We're gonna die, we're gonna die!
  • Pencil: Righ', acos e'eryone believes thet death shall 'appen if y' can't see yerself.


  • Qalam-Rassas: This place is really new to me.
  • Ximena: Same.
  • Salvador: What the hell is this place?
  • Qalam-Rassas: Shh, Chavo, not in front of the baby!
  • Salvador: I don't want to say this … CITLALI IMANI SCHREIBER, WAKE THE CURSE WORD UP!

[Cil starts to cry.]

  • Citlali: Nagete! I mean, wh- what's happening? Is it morning already?
  • Ximena: Yep, it's morning! We all just woke up.
  • Citlali: Oh, everyone, last night was so awesome! While you people were eating dinner, I was making my attic the greatest one-woman party I've ever had!
  • Salvador: Does it have to have disco lights?
  • Citlali: Yes, it really emphasises the way the moonlight pulsated against my King James Bible.
  • Ximena: Okay, what about the music?
  • Citlali: Last night was a playlist of the best J-Pop of the greater '70s. You go, Naoko-san!
  • Salvador: Well, we'd better get downstairs so the others know you're not dead.
  • Citlali: No, I'll be dead downstairs if you fools don't let me listen to the Japanese version of Blondie!

Dining room

  • Pencil: Mornin' t'r'e!
  • Ximena: Good morning.
  • Qalam-Rassas: Food tree!
  • Pencil: So, Ména, 'ow'd'ee like the attic?
  • Citlali: It's terrible, like, the worst place ever!
  • Ximena: Wait, I thought you liked the attic!
  • Citlali: Shh! If they don't know about what goes on up there, they're going to move me down. Do you want that?
  • Ximena: Kind of. I hate when Zorah acts out her dreams in public, and you're always there to shut her up!
  • Pencil: Come on, y'don' wan' to be late fer school, yeah?
  • Sio: Race you upstairs!
  • Salvador: You're on, but you lose!
  • Citlali: And I'll be in the worst place ever!

[Exeunt pæne omnes.]

  • Pen: I'll be in the backyard to provoke the beast.
  • Pencil: 'N'ale?
  • Pen: I'm going to wake up our daughter!
  • Pencil: Ah.

[Exit Pen.]

  • Telecam: Kid issues, eh?
  • Pencil: Ah! Wot'n'ale'je doin' 'ere this early in the mornin'?
  • Telecam: Stayed the night.
  • Pencil: 'Aven'ee got an 'ome?
  • Telecam: Yes, I do, but it isn't as nice as this one.
  • Pencil: Aww, thet's so nice!
  • Telecam: I have yet to give to you your first reality check.
  • Pencil: I'm a-gettin' a cheque fer jus' being 'ere? Oh, thanks'ee, bruv!
  • Telecam: No, I mean, I've reviewed the performances of you lot last night. Who knew that your children sleep for almost exactly eight hours!
  • Pencil: Wot?
  • Telecam: Don't worry, that's healthy! Or at least that's what they tell you.
  • Pencil: I mean on you spyin' on me children! They were right when they're a-havin' a bad dream las' night.
  • Telecam: Look, I can stop knowing what happens in the reality.
  • Pencil: Good!
  • Telecam: That is, if you don't want the fame and fortune!
  • Pencil: [shocked] I've got the fortune, but it'd be great ter 'ave the fame again! Spy on, girlfriend!


  • Pen: [shudders] Leafy … [to himself] Y'know, I'd better defend myself.

[He finds a stick.]

  • Pen: Hey, you look like my mother-in-law! [imitating Estigua via the stick] Hey, Fredzhi, you won'chu get a job'e, you know thatch'e? Then guess what, lady, I have a job, it's just been the interval between me seeing you last and me getting a job that … ah, forget it, the bouncer never does jokes. [he sees the cage again] Alright, Saye, it's time to go to school!

[There is a growling sound.]

  • Pen: It's me, your father!

[There is another growling sound.]

  • Pen: The man who took you home from the maternity ward just … Let's see, it was February 14, 2009 when we got you, and today is the thirteenth of March, 2014, that's five years so multiply by 5, add the one because of the leap year back in 2012, carry the … Wait, I've got a phone! … So it's from 14-2-2009 to 13-3-2014 which is … 1,853 days ago! And she's gone.
  • Saye: [going on all 4's to school] MUST … GIVE … SELF … PROPER … EDUCATION!
  • Pen: Hey, on the bright side there was no provocation!


  • Chocolatey: Mia, you get the left arm!
  • Minola: Got it! Who'll get the eraser?
  • Boat: Me! [she sits on her eraser and a "clink" sound is heard] Oops, I think I broke something.
  • Shelly: Never mind that, I've got the legs!

[They then bodycuff her to the ground.]

  • Popsicley: Well, this should keep her secure for the next twenty years.

Mrs. Harlow's 1st Grade class

  • Ms. Harlow: I'm sorry, class, but today is supposed to be a holiday traditionally. I'm afraid I've got nothing to teach you today.
  • Idaka: You know what that means: party!
  • Zonophoney: Which type? Political or parlour party?
  • Idaka: What's that?
  • Qalam-Rassas: Or we could keep doing what we did yesterday.
  • Class: Yay!
  • Bowey: Airs!
  • Ms. Harlow: Honestly, that is a very good idea.

[Mrs. Harlow brings up Match's phone screen on the school projector. It is set to the website UsoKitabu.]

  • Match: [not looking up] Mrs. Harlow, can I ask you a personal question?
  • Ms. Harlow: You sure can, but is it "may I".
  • Match: I think I'm the one who's to do the question.
  • Ms. Harlow: Sure, before the children.
  • Match: But they're children!
  • Ms. Harlow: They won't do anything!
  • Match: Okay … What would a man, like, like on an anniversary of when we met?
  • Ms. Harlow: Ooh, a meet-aversary! My recommendation … how about flowers, chocolate and other stereotypical lovey-dovey things.
  • Match: [still not looking up] Nah, my man doesn't like that.
  • Ms. Harlow: Oh.
  • Match: I'd better go to the washroom and clean myself up.
  • Ms. Harlow: Stay out there too long!
  • Match: What?
  • Ms. Harlow: I mean, don't stay out there!

[Exit Match.]

  • Ms. Harlow: Sorry, it's just that the last time I heard such drama was when that crowd of high schoolers walked by.
  • Qalam-Rassas: Yes, and they were less than good.
  • Ms. Harlow: Let's just watch and see what she sees.

[Her phone screen moves, and a meme showing a pug dressed in a tutu is shown. The whole class laughs.]

  • Idaka: Oh my goodness!
  • bower[char tag?]: Pure comedy.
  • Qalam-Rassas: Hey, there's a new post by Aunt Match; that's her profile photo. What does it say, Mrs. Harlow?
  • Ms. Harlow: It says, in a way you should never write online, "Dear Internet, I need help. My sixteenth anniversary of meeting my boyfriend is coming up, and he, like, hates romance. What shall I do on this very special day?" Ooh, and the comments are coming in already; Match must be very popular! "Sixteen years is nothing. I have been with my husband for 99 years, sister, and you know nothing, once more.", "Just do something that remind you of a better time".
  • Qalam-Rassas: Of a better time?

[Enter Match. Mrs. Harlow changes the screen at once to the picture of a pug in a tutu. The class laughs again.]

  • Qalam-Rassas: That's it, of a better time! [everyone looks at him] What? Nothing!


  • Chocolatey: Hello, Saye?

[No response.]

  • Popsicley: She's not moving.
  • Minola: Maybe we'd better touch her!
  • Chocolatey: Okay, but you do it first because you suggested it.
  • Shelly: Oh no, I'm so scared! Boat, please board me!
  • Boat: On it!
  • Minola: Here goes nothing.

[She tries to touch her slowly, but at once she snaps upright, terrifying the girls.]

  • Chocolatey: OMG!
  • Minola: That was really terrifying!
  • Boat: I'm never going to sleep again.
  • Shelly: What's the fuss, I didn't even see it.
  • Popsicley: Quick! Take her to a sharpening facility!

[They run off, carrying her in the process. Meanwhile, the Inventing Club are going around campus, asking people to join.]

  • Lego: Hello, would you like to join our club?
  • Zumhort: What do you call it?
  • Lego: It's a rather funny story—
  • Zumhort: I have received not amused by funny stories.
  • Sio: Hey, Zane!
  • Zane: You know my name?
  • Sio: Of course! Whenever my sister and her friends stay at my house, they always talk about you!
  • Zane: Really?
  • Sio: Anyways, now that that's over with, how would you like to join our club? We call it "Guys Who Code".
  • Zane: Woah, man, coding? Isn't that, like, for the nerd-sandwich type of guy? Sorry, bro, but I don't do computer stuff.
  • Sharpener: You'll be sorry about this!

[Exit Zane. At the same time, enter Map and Shieldy.]

  • Lego: How'd club invitations go?
  • Map: It turns out there's at least 10 coding clubs in this school alone.
  • Shieldy: And now that it's so popular, nobody's going to join us! It's basically the mullet that died out in the 1990s, but instead of the 1990s it's now, and instead of the mullet it's us.
  • Sharpener: I guess it's time to say goodbye to whatever the heck we wish to call ourselves.
  • Ximena: Woah, it's you!
  • Sio: Mona? What are you doing with the eighth graders?
  • Ximena: Only going to the school store to by Citlali her stuff for her attic!
  • Sio: And she's making you do it for her?
  • Ximena: No, she's already bought too many stuff so her hands are full.

[She's next in the queue.]

  • Tennis Ball: So, what shall we place you today?
  • Ximena: I'd like to by one of those long cable things that take a picture from the television and put it on your wall.
  • Tennis Ball: Unfortunately, you can't buy it.
  • Ximena: Why? Have I got no money?
  • Tennis Ball: Actually, it doesn't exist.
  • Ximena: Dang it! First, the glasses, now this?

Outside the sharpening facility

[She throws the towel away, revealing Saye, whose design never actually changed save for a fully sharpened tip.]

  • Saye: How do I look?
  • Chocolatey: You look wonderful! And I would know, since I look just as wonderful.
  • Minola: Well, I'd better start running.
  • Shelly: Holy Kiel, Mia, why?
  • Minola: It's almost the end of lunch.
  • Boat: Yeah, we don't want to be late.
  • Saye: Thanks, Mrs. Redesigner, but we don't want to be late!

[They all start running to school.]

  • Saye: Look, guys, but I really feel sorry for what I did. Even though I vaguely member it, I still feel like a jerk.
  • Boat: Hey, that's not true. You only should feel like a jerk when your dull problems are not solved.
  • Saye: Thanks, guys.
  • Chocolatey: Yeah! Saye, we're going to the same class!
  • Popsicley: Meanwhile, my teacher's so mean he will give me another detention if I'm late again!

[As they get to school, a police car is outside.]

  • Chocolatey: Don't be for us, don't be for us, don't be for us.
  • U.S. Dollar: Does any of you go by the name "Pencil Cama-Nia Shanaynay Sac-Er-Bur"?
  • Minola: No!
  • Saye: No, we can't lie to a police officer.
  • Minola: Sorry, officer.
  • Saye: Yes, sir, that's me.
  • U.S. Dollar: I'm going to have to take you away!
  • Saye: What? No!

[She gets taken into the back of the police car.]

  • Saye: What's going on?
  • Chocolatey: We'll miss you, Saye!

[The car drives to the back of the school, where her class is.]

  • U.S. Dollar: Have a nice day!
  • Saye: Wait, so you scared me into going into this car just to be escorted into class? Honestly, that's just, like … thank you!

Biology class

  • Mr. Tally: Javier Schreiber.
  • Javier: Yes, Mr. Tally?
  • Mr. Tally: Because of the rumours sent to me by a certain student, I hve assigned you the role of caterer in the class.
  • Javier: Caterer, a person who provides food for an organisation. I like the sound of that!
  • Mr. Tally: Yes, but instead of providing food for the class, you'll be feeding the classroom materials.
  • Javier: Like feed the class pets? I'm really good at giving nourishment to the dust mites near my brother's side of the room.
  • Mr. Tally: Actually, you'll be feeding this room. It needs cleaning, and the desk tops are still dusty from Advanced Bio's dust lab. Do you think you can handle it?
  • Javier: I'll have to consult it with my crew.

[Suddenly, Angelavi and Devilavi from a past episode appear on Javier's shoulders.]

  • Angelavi: Don't do it, Avi-ji. That wouldn't be satisfactory to the classroom, and you'll be noticed by all the class!
  • Devilavi: That fool is nothing to be listened, Javier, take the opportunity. You will do good for this class.
  • Javier: Hey, here's one question.
  • Angelavi: Yeah?
  • Javier: Aren't you supposed to be the good person?
  • Angelavi: I am the good person! I'm just suggesting that you shouldn't assist your own teacher and sit back as the class rots down.
  • Devilavi: Just take the opportunity; we're losing precious screen time!
  • Javier: Woah, wait. Are you the meta one again?
  • Devilavi: Yeah, what are you going to do about it? Delete my comment?
  • Javier: You guys, stop existing! [the angel and devil versions of him disappear] Since when did I become nicer than both of my personalities?
  • Mr. Tally: So, have you made up your mind on what you want to do?
  • Javier: Yes, yes I have. I'm going to be the caterer you'll never regret hiring!
  • Mr. Tally: Good! Then go clean the lab desk.

[He goes and cleans the lab table. At the same time, enter Saye. The class gasps.]

  • Saye: Sorry I'm late, Mr. Tally.
  • Mr. Tally: Ah, Saye, you've returned. Unfortunately, you need to arrive to class on time.
  • Saye: Yes, sir.
  • Mr. Tally: On time is what you need to be.
  • Saye: What? [Javier looks up] I've been through an entire ubutu cycle without being sharpened. I've been sent out of my home because I was considered a monster ... among my own family and friends! I've ... Oh my gosh, I completely ignored my English project!
  • Javier: Yeah, we pencils honestly don't have the best lives, and a female's ubutu is something that the vast majority of the population can't experience. So please, Mr. Tally, have a heart and save this poor lassie, will ya?
  • Mr. Tally: Alright, you won't be punished.
  • Saye: Thank you, sir!
  • Mr. Tally: But, I am issuing a bill for all the desertions and vandalism you did to those detention classrooms.
  • Saye: It's okay ... I totally deserved it. I'll just tell my parents it's for my college fund. [she sits down]
  • Zane: Hey.
  • Mr. Tally: Perfect! Now for today's lesson ... But before I start, let me warn you this: Dont be tardy for Tally. The next person to walk into the room automatically gets a 4 on their online report cards.

[Enter Chocolatey.]

  • Chocolatey: Hey, everyone! ... Why is everyone looking at me?

Near the end of the school day

  • Mr. Fanaismith: Alright, class, I'm dismissing you early. It's supposed to be a school holiday.

[The class cheers.]

  • Sio: Map, you doing anything after school?
  • Map: I'm actually heading to the Karen Blixen Museum with my family ... y'know, once we can find it. Wait, don't you have to help your sister with something?
  • Sio: I guess, but I can't do it alone.

[He gets his phone and calls the Inventing Club.]

  • Sio: [on the phone] Guys, we've got an issue. More specifically, an inventing issue!
  • Lego: We're on it!

[They meet near the edge of the quadristan.]

  • Shieldy: So what do we have to make again?
  • Sharpener: Yeah, I may or may not have forgotten.
  • Sio: Our job is to make a cable from the television so you can see it from the attic.
  • Lego: Isn't that basically buying a security camera?
  • Sio: Yeah, but the sound and video quality and aspect radio must be the same as a TV screen.
  • Lego: I see ... well we can do it! Just give us a quick montage session so we can get it done as fast as possible!
  • Map: Yeah, I've got to go to the museum.
  • Lego: Then let's go!

[Montage of inventing the TV Security Camera, including them accidentally breaking the computer.]

  • Sio: And there, we're finished!
  • Sharpener: It looks well! Have we tested it yet?
  • Lego: Yeah, during the montage.
  • Sharpener: Oh yeah, I forgot.
  • Sio: I'd just want to thank you all for coming here, and—
  • Sharpener: I'd better go.
  • Map: Yeah, the museum's got to wait.
  • Lego: How about you bring this to Headmistress Hole; I think she wants to see you.
  • Sio: I'll be there.

Golf Ball's throne room

  • Golf Ball: State your name Japanesely![7]
  • Sio: Schreiber—
  • Golf Ball: Hold it, son of an emotional successor. I summoned you yesterday on account of the lack of inventresses in your club.
  • Sio: Ma'am, we have come to tell you that we have not gained a female member in our club.
  • Golf Ball: WHAT!?
  • Sio: No one wanted to meet us either.
  • Golf Ball: [sigh] Then I have no choice but to disband the GWC.
  • Sio: Okay.
  • Golf Ball: Halt, myself. What do you have with you?
  • Sio: It's our latest invention that transmits live television feed to the camera so you can watch it without seeing the TV.
  • Golf Ball: Ooh, I want to use this to spy on the Ninth Grade History teacher, Mr. U-something! Give me this, Pen.
  • Sio: I'm sorry, but it's for my sister.
  • Golf Ball: No, that thing is better in the hands legs of me than in possession by one of your family. Now give me this or else you get expelled.
  • Sio: Here.

[He hands it over to Golf Ball's throne.]

  • Sio: Maybe I'd make another one, but a certain club has been disbanded.
  • Golf Ball: Oh, your club? In the whole go social issues and in with my personal advantages; I'm reinstating you all!
  • Sio: Really? Thank you!
  • Golf Ball: I don't know how to respond to that.

After school

  • Yaretzi: Hi, Mummy!
  • Pencil: Kids, nothin' is a-goin' on, yeah?
  • Yaretzi: Okay!
  • Sio: I've been at work, and it's great to be back.
  • Ximena: [carrying a lot of things] This is for the queen.
  • Qalam-Rassas: I have a secret and nobody can know!
  • Javier: Don't we all?
  • Zorah: Quick, Chavo, help me get the balls out!
  • Salvador: [running inside] I've got it!
  • Citlali: I'm totally not going anywhere suspicious!
  • Telecam: We'll have to edit that out someday.

[Salvador takes out the ball container from the closet.]

  • Pencil: Omg, wot'r'ee doin' an' please stop this now!
  • Telecam: No, let it go on! It will make great footage!
  • Pencil: Okay, but don' mess up the house.

[Enter Saye.]

  • Saye: Guess who's back from insanity?
  • Salvador: GET 'ER!

[They start throwing balls at her.]

  • Saye: What the hell?!

[Zorah and Qalam-Rassas stop throwing balls.]

  • Qalam-Rassas: Wait!
  • Zorah: I think she's really back.
  • Saye: Yeah, please stop with the spherical objects here!

[Salvador stops throwing balls.]

  • Salvador: Sorry, Pencil, we'll clean it up.
  • Pencil: Now wot d'I does?
  • Telecam: Just keep yourselves the way you would until dinner time. Then we talk.
  • Pencil: Okay!
  • Zorah: Who are you saying that to, Mum?
  • Pencil: Oh, nothin'. Jus' keep a-doin' wot yer doin'.
  • Zorah: Whatever.


  • Pencil: Kids, dinner!

[Everyone goes downstairs.]

  • Sio: Alright, we're here!
  • Salvador: But why did you bring her?
  • Pencil: Telecam is 'ere acos she'll be watchin' us fer a few, to see 'ow we act naturally.
  • Yaretzi: Wow, that's awesome.
  • Cil: Goo!
  • Saye: [going down] Sorry I'm late, guys, I'm running a science experiment up there.
  • Telecam: Ooh, a science experiment. Tell me more about this!
  • Saye: I'd love to, but maybe later.
  • Telecam: Okay, later is fine.
  • Ximena: Excuse me, Mummy, but may I be excused and deliver this to the girl in the A-D-I-C?
  • Pencil: Sure. And it's A-T-T-I-C!
  • Ximena: Thank you!


  • Ximena: Wow, this place is a mess!
  • Citlali: I know. Did you get my food?
  • Ximena: [sarcastically] Yes, Your Highness.
  • Citlali: Good, I'm starving up here.
  • Ximena: Well, I'd better get down now!
  • Citlali: Wait! [she stops] There's just something I need to tell you.
  • Ximena: Yeah?
  • Citlali: All I do up here is hear, hear, hear, but all I want is to see, see, see! It bugs me how I can't even watch the telly up here!
  • Ximena: But you can't! Dad says no TV in our rooms!
  • Citlali: No, I mean I can watch the downstairs TV, but I'll be watching it here!
  • Ximena: That's awesome! But that does not exist.
  • Citlali: Who told you that?
  • Ximena: Mr. Ball.
  • Citlali: Isn't one of our brothers, like, a maker of things?
  • Ximena: Oh my gosh, you're right!


  • Qalam-Rassas: So do I call her Aunt Telecam or Shangazi Telecam?
  • Telecam: Well ...
  • Salvador: Ugh, dinner is so boring!
  • Javier: Are you kidding?
  • Yaretzi: Yeah, dinner is my favourite part of the day!
  • Salvador: I know what must be done. FOOD FIGHT!
  • Pencil: No, no food fight!
  • Javier: Yeah, stop killing the pacifist, there's worse things going on today.
  • Telecam: No, Pencil, let them fight with food. It stimulates children's growth.
  • Salvador: Boo-yah!

[He flings clusters of mashed potato towards Cil, who cries.]

  • Zorah: Woah, making the baby cry? That's 10 points!

[Enter Ximena.]

  • Ximena: Sio, I need your help.
  • Sio: With what?
  • Ximena: I need you to make something to connect the TV with the attic.
  • Sio: Oh, that thing! I've already made it.
  • Telecam: So, you're an inventor?
  • Sio: Sort of ... I'm in a club at school where we make things!
  • Telecam: Interesting. You never said that in your audition. All I have you down as is Boring-but-not-as-boring-as-Girl-#2.
  • Sio: Thanks, that really means a lot.
  • Ximena: So where is it?
  • Sio: Oh, that's a funny story ... someone made me give it away at school.
  • Ximena: If I see whoever stole your thingy, I will take them by their hand and crush them like my enemies; no one cares if I get suspended because I'll just patcher in as Chavo!
  • Telecam: Wait, I thought Salvador was the fighty one and you liked flowers, unicorns and butterflies.
  • Ximena: Oh yeah. Flowers, unicorns and butterflies!
  • Pencil: Well, now thet you're all 'ere, I'd thought of'e's a good time to review show rules.
  • Telecam: And here are the rules. Rule #1: Even if you see me, I want you to act as if I'm not there unless you're alone. Rule #2: From now on, all nine of you children are not to leave this house, and you are not to allow anyone in this house except for—

[Pen arrives home.]

  • Pen: Hello! Oh, you're here. Ms. Era, what a wonderful surprise.
  • Telecam: Good evening, Mr. Schreiber, I'm just reviewing the rules of filming with the children.
  • Pen: Here's the thing; I don't follow the rules unless they come from my wife.
  • Pencil: T'ay I've learned thet you should act as if Telecam doesn' exist, an' the kids can't leave ther 'ouse er let other people in.
  • Pen: What about the adults? I've got work from 8 to whenever!
  • Telecam: Fortunately, the limitation does not apply to people of working age.
  • Saye: Not fair! What if people of your age can work, but you can't? I'm, like, fifteen years old!
  • Telecam: You will need to get a job.
  • Saye: On second thought, mundane tasks aren't really that big of a deal.
  • Yaretzi: But what about school?
  • Zorah: Yeah, that's called going out of the house.
  • Telecam: We've got that covered too! You guys are no longer going to your school.
  • All: What?
  • Pencil: Okay, not e'en I's prepared fer thet.
  • Telecam: It's true! Many television actors can't go a real school, so they get educated privately!
  • Ximena: How terrible!
  • Telecam: It's only temporary; I've e-mailed your teachers about the material.
  • Javier: But I've finally become popular!
  • Sio: And my club is in its prime!
  • Salvador: Yeah, just like Dad seven years ago.
  • Telecam: I'm sorry, kids, but rules are rules.
  • Zorah: I can see why they don't put object kids on TV sitcoms.
  • Telecam: You got that right, kid.
  • Pencil: Cil, 'r'ee done with yer dinner?
  • Cil: Goo!
  • Telecam: And now that the time's come, how about I interview you, Saye?
  • Saye: I'd be delighted! I mean, I've got to get to work on my project anyways, so … yeah.
  • Pencil: Now, Ximena, Zorah'n Yaretzi, you're not to go into yer room until our gues' tells us she's done a-filmin'.
  • Yaretzi: Right-o!

Girls' room

  • Telecam: So, Saye, what are you doing?
  • Saye: Working on a science project. [Telecam gestures for her to continue] What I've got to do is take care of our class robot. His name is Bloodguts.
  • Bloodguts: I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now.
  • Telecam: And why did you name it Bloodguts?
  • Bloodguts: Backbeat, the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out.
  • Telecam: Actually, ask it why does it keep saying lyrics from Oasis.
  • Saye: Don't know. Sometimes it just goes like that, right, Bloodguts?
  • Bloodguts: Don't think that. Think of puppies. :).
  • Saye: Sorry, this might cost me a lot of points for not feeding it.
  • Telecam: What do you mean?
  • Saye: My assignment says that I'm to take care of the robot. I'm supposed to time exactly how long has it been charged, and some other weird stuff about, like, chemistry or something.
  • Telecam: Interesting … not. [to those outside] Alright, you can come in now!

[Enter omnes.]

  • Telecam: And now that I've gathered you all in here, I've assumed that it's all of your bedtimes right now.
  • Pen: It's only 2030 hours.
  • Telecam: That's so not true! It's 8:30!
  • Sio: I'm sorry, but we shouldn't sleep this early.
  • Yaretzi: Yeah, when we sleep usually it's 9:45.
  • Zorah: Plus two hours!
  • Telecam: Are you sure you don't want to wake up to my big surprise?
  • Qalam-Rassas: A big surprise? Mummy, can I sleep now?
  • Pencil: I guess so.

[The older kids sigh.]

  • Pen: Alright, honey, let's "end up" in the bathroom again.
  • Pencil: Kids, if ye need us … don't.

[Exeunt Pen and Pencil.]

  • Sio: Yeah, we'd better head off to sleep too.
  • Ximena: And I'd better say good night to Citlali my imaginary friend.


  • Saye: Even though I now realise that getting sharpened makes you really drowsy, I can't be the only one who doesn't want to sleep early.
  • Zorah: Nope. For once I'm with you.
  • Yaretzi: But it is Ms. Era's rules, and we'd better follow them.
  • Zorah: Yeah, if we want to be boring. Come on, Yarisis, let's play Spongy-Cake!
  • Yaretzi: But I—

[Saye is sleeping already.]

  • Yaretzi: Okay, we do it but we must be really quiet.
  • Zorah: QUIET IT IS!
  • Yaretzi: Shh!
  • Zorah: I'll start. One, two, three, four …
  • Yaretzi: Who do we not adore?
  • [ Zorah · Yaretzi ]: Spongy! Spongy!
  • Zorah: Five, six, seven, eight …

[Enter Ximena.]

  • Ximena: What are you guys doing?
  • Yaretzi: AH!
  • Zorah: Shut the [censored due to their being filmed] up.
  • Ximena: You guys are supposed to be sleeping!
  • Zorah: Well, we can't sleep! But you can.
  • Ximena: Okay, but if Ms. Era catches us, you're going to die.
  • Zorah: Good luck with that.
  • Yaretzi: Zorah and I are playing Spongy-Cake. Wanna play?
  • Ximena: No, I love Spongy!
  • Saye: Oh, for the love of profanities, give it a break!
  • Yaretzi: Time to be quieter, I guess.
  • Zorah: You start this time!
  • Yaretzi: One, two, three, four …
  • Zorah: Who do we not adore?
  • [ Zorah · Yaretzi ]: Spongy! Spongy!
  • Yaretzi: Five, six, seven, eight …

Thursday, March 13, 2014

6:30 in the morning

  • Saye: I am finally awake and fresh as a daisy! … Huh?
  • Yaretzi: 22,760, 22,761 …
  • Zorah: Whose blood and guts—
  • Bloodguts: His house is in the village though.

[Ximena and Saye are fully awake from the robot, whilst Yaretzi and Zorah are on the verge of sleeping.]

  • Saye: What happened to you guys?
  • Yaretzi: We were up all night …
  • Zorah: Playing Spongy-Cake.
  • Yaretzi: [slowly] We really need to go to bed now, but I know the producer's not going to like that …
  • Zorah: Whatever, let's just yell at the boys to w— wake up.
  • Ximena: And I'll be up in the A-T-I-K!
  • Saye: Mona—
  • Ximena: I know how to spell—
  • Yaretzi: Oh my gosh!
  • Saye: What is it?
  • Yaretzi: I just realised I broke the rules last night by playing Spongy-Cake when I should've been asleep. … It feels kind of … good!
  • Zorah: Yeah, now you're getting it.


  • Saye: Wait, you guys are already up?
  • Salvador: No, the four of us just decided to sleepwalk at the same time.
  • Yaretzi: That's creepy!
  • Javier: Why isn't anyone else up yet?
  • Sio: Our parents might be in the bathroom again, like yesterday.
  • Zorah: Ooooooooh! [they all look at her] What?

Parents' room

  • Pencil: Don' come in!
  • Saye: What?
  • Pen: She means don't come in until the coast is clear!

[Awkward silence.]

  • Salvador: Are you ready now?
  • Pencil: Nope, but we'll still tell'ee the news we got from Ms. Era!
  • Javier: What news?
  • Pen: You guys don't have to wake up until 7:55!
  • Pencil: Aye, now it's more than an hour until'ee should wake!
  • Sio: So we woke up early for nothing?
  • Pencil: Sorry, we should'a' told'ee!
  • Zorah: Thanks a lot, Saye, I could have got my mandatory beauty sleep!
  • Pencil: Wote'er!
  • Salvador: Come on, let's just go.



  • Saye: What is going on up here?
  • Citlali: Saye, you're here! I can't wait to show you the morning party!
  • Javier: As much as I love your old J-pop records, Mona, we're not even supposed to be awake right now!
  • Ximena: What?
  • Citlali: Of course you are! There's school today, isn't there?
  • Ximena: [looking at Saye] Um, well …
  • Saye: We can sleep for more than an hour!
  • Citlali: Wait, you ruined my beauty sleep for this?
  • Javier: Don't get mad, at least you get to go to school!


  • Citlali: How does that not make me mad? I hate school!

7:55 in the girls' room

  • Saye: Alright, we'll wake up!
  • Yaretzi: Gosh, I haven't been yelled at that loudly since that drill sergeant thing Daddy went through!
  • Zorah: And I haven't been yelled at since yesterday when our lunch monitor caught me gently stroking that anti-violence poster.
  • Yaretzi: Actually, you were punching it!
  • Zorah: Potato tomato.

Guest room

  • Zorah: Where the hell are we?
  • Saye: This doesn't look like home!
  • Ximena: I think I'm going to be sick …
  • Saye: Wait! Walls with posters on them from the 90s, a Kenyan flag suspiciously placed above a whiteboard … a desk with "World's Best Stage Teacher" on it: I think I know where we are.
  • Yaretzi: Yeah! This is supposed to be a janitor's closet!
  • Saye: No, I mean this is our school!
  • Zorah: School? Can I ditch now?
  • Ximena: Do you really want to be yelled at again?
  • Zorah: I ain't scared of Telecam.
  • Telecam: Let's go, wake up, up up up, don't want to be late for school, hurry up, you've got five minutes; that's one twelfth of an hour, wake up, get out of bed, if you're not up now the girls will have an unfair advantage by being awake for a longer time than you!
  • Zorah: Wait, that was from the boys' room, and we could hear her?
  • Ximena: Scared now?
  • Zorah: Y- yeah!
  • Ximena: YES!

[Enter the boys.]

  • Qalam-Rassas: Why are we at school today?
  • Sio: I feel like we left our home.
  • Javier: How? This place looks like an ideal paradise!
  • Salvador: This makes me want to punch someone.

[Enter Telecam.]

  • Telecam: Good morning, students!


  • Yaretzi: Good morning, Ms. Era!
  • Telecam: Finally, a response. Anyways, I am your new teacher now!
  • Qalam-Rassas: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
  • Salvador: Why are you our teacher again?
  • Telecam: For one thing, I am your stage teacher. I teach you all about the things you need to know, just without going to school!
  • Javier: But I love my old school; I'm so popular!
  • Zorah: Don't make me defen the place I hate less than this.
  • Telecam: People, calm down.
  • Ximena: I can't calm down! I'm being taught with you people!
  • Telecam: That won't be a problem once I read to you your curriculum!
  • Qalam-Rassas: Curricu-wha?

Living room

  • Citlali: But it's not fair! Why do they get to stay home and I have to go to school?
  • Pencil: Yer brothers an' sisters are goin' to school. Jus' at 'ome.
  • Pen: And since Saye's one of the bunch, I'll be driving you to school.
  • Citlali: Dad, I'm 11 years old! I think I can handle walking alone.
  • Pen: Yeah, not really.

School room

  • Telecam: And C is for …
  • Qalam-Rassas: Cow!
  • Javier: Coppelia!
  • Telecam: And D is for …
  • Qalam-Rassas: Duck!
  • Javier: Desdemona!
  • Telecam: And E is for …
  • Qalam-Rassas: Elephant!
  • Javier: Etheridgea!
  • Ximena: [to Yaretzi] I can't believe we have to relearn the alphabet again!
  • Yaretzi: But it sure is better than what we were learning earlier.


  • Telecam: What are you all in? Beginning calculus? Ha! Maybe I'll just teach you guys Advanced Calculus!

[They mostly complain.]

  • Javier: Oh boy, I love Advanced Calculus!

[Return to the present.]

  • Telecam: Hey, you two, don't talk; you'll get your turn next! Now, K is for …
  • Qalam-Rassas: Kangaroo!
  • Javier: Kovacia!
  • Telecam: WRONG! Kangaroos live in Australia, not Kenya.

[Everyone else groans.]

2:00 PM

  • Telecam: And that's why you shouldn't make being an Okazaki fragment a career choice, right Saye?
  • Sio: Yeah, you'll make much more money being DNA ligase.
  • Telecam: Alright, I've done teaching; school is out.
  • All: Yay!
  • Javier: Wait, it's only 2:00— [Salvador covers his mouth] Ow!
  • Telecam: It is true that this school ends at an earlier time than your regular school, because you need more time to be filmed than to be educated.

[Exeunt omnes. Pencil is watching TV with a clipboard.]

  • Pencil: Alrigh', so the lady says "Thet gets so good", an' the cameraman in the background says …
  • Telecam: Alright, we're ready to film!

[They all see Pencil and step behind the translucent curtains.]

  • Ximena: Mummy, you had to be at school!
  • Salvador: Well, more like you shouldn't be at our school.
  • Sio: It's the worst place ever!
  • Pencil: I'm sure it ain' thet bad.
  • Zorah: They taught us separately!
  • Saye: Mum, this isn't fair! Lately you've been more focused on yourself than your kids.
  • Pencil: Gi' me one good example.
  • Saye: Well, when I got my ubutu you didn't try to bring me to a facility!
  • Pencil: But—
  • Saye: And you had us locked up in that horrible school room for I don't know how long!

[Telecam notices.]

  • Telecam: What's this? A mother-daughter quarrel?
  • Pencil: We can assure'ee e'erythin's fine.
  • Saye: Yeah, we're just arguing, quarrelling is much different.
  • Telecam: Well, why don't I film you? After all, it's after 2:00 and the viewers are expecting tomorrow!
  • Pencil: But—
  • Telecam: You are actually mandated by law to be filmed at any time, you know.
  • Pencil: Fine. [she turns off the television]
  • Saye: Why can't I be cared by my own mother?
  • Pencil: Carin'? Why, I always'm a-doin' some carin', I'm carin' now, yeah?
  • Telecam: And cut! Let's review your character. Saye.
  • Saye: Yeah?
  • Telecam: You are the oldest teenage daughter with the class robot and parental issues.
  • Saye: I wouldn't call it—
  • Telecam: Why don't you exaggerate yourself? You know, be mean and bratty and all.
  • Saye: Like I'm on my first stage of ubutu?
  • Telecam: Sure, whatever that means. Yaretzi and Zorah, come with me.
  • Zorah: Yay, we're going to be filmed!
  • Telecam: Say anything.
  • Yaretzi: Anything!
  • Telecam: Once I say "Action", you may talk … and action!
  • Yaretzi: Susy, little Susy, pray what is the news? The geese are running barefoot, because they've no shoes! The cobbler has leather, and plenty to spare, why can't he make the poor goose a new pair?
  • Zorah: Then they'll have to go barefoot! Eia-popeia, pray what's to be—
  • Telecam: Wait a second. Do you even know what "Eia-popeia" means?
  • Yaretzi: No, sorry. We just got the words from our school play.
  • Telecam: Can you at least say something that didn't originally come from a German opera?
  • Zorah: Thanks a lot, you know. I could have just continued with the eia-popeia!
  • Yaretzi: I'm so sorry! I promise I will never mention the year 1891 again! Wait, I just did it …
  • Zorah: I guess we can, like, apologise since we're being filmed and stuff …
  • Telecam: Cut! First of all, don't mention that you're being filmed. This is reality television, after all.
  • Yaretzi: Well, if it were reality television and you don't want us to say that we're being filmed, then doesn't that defy the meaning of reality?
  • Telecam: Huh, I never thought of that. And no, it doesn't. Next!
  • Ximena: Hello?
  • Telecam: Yes, you're being filmed, just don't say that.
  • Ximena: That! Ha! I said it.
  • Telecam: So, Ximena, what can you tell me about your sisters?
  • Ximena: Well, Yaretzi and Zorah and just normal people, but they're only trying to be nice and mean for the camera.[8] They just want your attention! I may be the youngest sister here, but I'm not the dumbest.
  • Telecam: Interesting …


  1. C: There's no way Saye would be that nice on her ubutu.
  2. They were talking to the pizza guy.
  3. In case you didn't know (before a certain date), Javier is smart enough to be in Saye's biology.
  4. (It.) "Hey, Perdita, I have someone who can refill our pens for us! And for free this time!"
  5. (It.) "And this is for real? Wait, I'm going to try."
  6. (Kor.) "Ladies and gentlemen!"
  7. Japanesely referring to being in the order of Last Name, First Name.
  8. This is obviously not true.
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