Before BFB

Story is in Completed Mode! "Wow, spending so much time in this void has actually made me finish!" - Pen This story has officially been over. Go check out this episode's info page for information about music, characters, trivia and more! Also, please know that after 24 hours of this on an episode page, you must only edit it if the placement of words has the same amount of letters in it.

Warning! "Wot'n ale's fozz'r'ye doin'?" - Pencil This page contains profanity, like the sentence above. I have created two ways to censor those words, but I've also discovered that on mobile view, they lie uncensored. So please, show some cognoscience about what you may see. If you do have a problem with profanity, please refer to this page § 3.

"Before BFB" is a new episode of Pencil 2.O, and until recently, there has been neither number nor date associated. In this episode, Pencil and the others join BFB. This episode plays the exact same as the start of a modified "Before BFDI", but it has a crucial difference

Saturday, November 26, 2107

Pencil's room

• Pencil: Needle, 'ave'ee woken?
• Needle: No.
• Pencil: Needy ...
• Needle: [slaps] Don't call me Needy!
• Nelson: Call her Needy! [slap] Call her Needy!
• Pencil: Needle, wot time's'e?
• Needle: 8:50, wh—
• Pencil: No!

[Enter Estigua.]

• Estigua: Acorde, tens sábado detenção.
• Needle: Why?
• Pencil: Mum!

School

• Czecherson: You should all know why I gathered you here.
• Pencil: So we can be bored?
• Czecherson: No.
• Book: You know we would be bored without school!
• Czecherson: No.
• Bubble: To toirture us!
• Czecherson: Maybe.
• Ruby: I told you guys!
• Pencil: Wait ... why h'ain' Match 'ere? She was with us th'ole time!
• Ruby: I'm pretty sure she ditched us.

[The rest of them groan.]

• Czecherson: Be quiet as I call your name for role. Pencil.
• Pencil: 'Ere!
• Czecherson: Book.
• Book: [sigh] Here.
• Czecherson: Bubble.
• Bubble: Hoire!
• Czecherson: Ruby.
• Ruby: Here!
• Czecherson: Flower.
• Flower: [gets up from her corner] I'M HERE! DON'T IGNORE ME!

[Many names later.]

• Czecherson: And Pen.
• Pen: Here!
• Czecherson: That is all. Now here are the rules: No eating, no drinking, no bleeding, no thinking ...
• Pencil: Oi, Pen, you're 'ere too?
• Pen: Yeah.
• Book: Why?

[Pen points towards the Gang of 8.]

• Ruby: Well, that just ain't nice!
• Pencil: [with hearts in her eyes] Oh, 'ow I love fer a bad boy!
• Book: Ooh, me too!

[Pencil unintentionally slaps her.]

• Blocky: Look, Czecherson's sleeping! Let's go, boys!

[Exeunt. Pen hides behind the girls.]

• Czecherson: [audibly snoring] Κχχχχχχχχχχχχχχχχχ— [hears the door open] DON'T GO OUT!
• Blocky: Shiט, Ruby, it's all your fault for telling!
• Ruby: What did I do?
• Scissors: You too dumb for gem school?

[They laugh cruelly. Knife throws igneous rocks at Ruby.]

• Ruby: Oh! You monsters!
• Book: You troglodytes!
• Bubble: You woirdos!
• Pencil: Ye sad excuses fer men!
• Knife: Then stop stealing Pen from us!
• Pencil: No one takes Pen from me!

[Lots of screaming and yelling as Czecherson does not wake up. At one point, Flower grabs Pencil.]

• Flower: RGYAAAAAAAAA!
• Pencil: AAAAAAAAAAA!

[Pencil falls. She looks up at a poster saying "In the last 100 years" and gasps.]

• Pencil: OMG!
• Czecherson: RUBY, SETTLE DOWN!
• Pencil: SHUT UP! I mean, if y'please. But I've got a revelation to make.
• Pen: O.
• Pencil: Today's the day!
• Bubble: For what?
• Pencil: One 'undred years ago, exactly, somethin' bad 'appened ter us. I can't says wot 'appened, but it involved me, Bubble, Pen, Eraser, Blocky an' Flower. Wait, Blocky an' Flower, you stay.
• Blocky: No, you called our names. We're going whether you like it or not.
• Pencil: Fuク you, m8!
• Blocky: [raises his eyebrows] You really want to?
• Pen: This is outrageous, I'm out of here.
• Czecherson: Hold on! You can't just walk out of detention!
• Ruby: There's no rule against that!

[Czecherson stares, dumbfounded.]

• Ruby: Come on, Book!
• Book: But would that not be breaking a rule?
• Ruby: I said ... Come. On.
• Book: Yeeeesh!

Outside school

• Bubble: Noice save!
• Pen: You're a really politically active girlfriend.
• Pencil: Oh, an' yer such a descriptive boyfriend!
• Ruby: Dear aluminium, please don't start kissing.
• Flower: YEAH, THAT'S WHAT MORONS DO! AND ARE YOU A MORON? YES! BUT THAT IS NOT THE QUESTION, THAT! I! WAS! GOING! TO!—

[Knife throws a stone in Flower's mouth.]

• Knife: No!

[Pen and Pencil kiss. Knife then throws a flute at them, immediately going to the next scene.]

That night

• Estigua: Então, como foi a detenção?
• Pencil: 'Twas great! I got there, found 'alf o' me alliance an' me Pen there. Then we walked out early!
• Estigua: E o professor promitiu isso?
• Pencil: No.
• Estigua: Você abandonou a escola? Poderia ter tido problemas!
• Pencil: It was fer a reasonable reason. An' I thought y'di'n' care if I broke one school rule once in a while!
• Estigua: Eu acho. Mas só por isso, vou pular o trabalho porque vamos fazer compras amanhã!
• Pencil: I knew I should 'a stayed meself quiet.

Sunday, November 27, 2107

Bal-Mart

• Test Tube: Muito obrigado for taking me with you and your kids on a shopping day! I can do maths calculations on the go now!
• Estigua: Eu só pedi que você viesse comigo porque ninguém aqui fala português.
• Test Tube: That's still a really good reason!
• Pencil: Why do I think I know'ee?

[Test Tube sticks out her arm.]

• Test Tube: Tess T. Tube, Ibáñez class of '00.

[They shake each other's hands.]

• Pencil: Ain'ee h'a bit older than me?
• Test Tube: I skipped a few years.
• Pencil: Wait a second, I remember'ee! You were thet Year 9 girl 'o led me to me classroom!
• Test Tube: Oh yeah! We bonded because you said you hated glitter and clothes and other girly things! I'll take you there!
• Nelson: Finally! A friend I actually like!
• Needle: Yeah!

[Needle and Nelson follow Test Tube. Pencil is about to go, but she gets stopped by Estigua.]

• Pencil: Mum, why? Wot mus' ye be gettin' fer me thet's so h'important?
• Estigua: Brilho e roupas. E outras coisas femininas.

Clothes aisle

• Pencil: But Mum, I 'ate the clothin' aisle! It can go burn fer all I care fer!
• Estigua: Isso não é muito bom, há crianças como você que fazem isso e pode reclamar?
• Pencil: We're objects! Th' only time we need clothing's when it's cold out, an' livin' in Kenya thet ain' ter 'appen!
• Estigua: Mas, Penélope, você não quer ficar bem?

[Meanwhile, in the next aisle, a familiar face is talking on the phone.]

• Sword: What? You're asking if our new show should have a talking robot in it?

[He slowly removes the phone from himself.]

• Sword: Hold on, I'm hearing something.
• Pencil: As if I'm one o' the scene kids, "Oh, look at me! I follow all th' 'ip bands on Uso h'an' Nafasi!"
• Sword: Excuse me.
• Pencil: 'Ello.
• Sword: I was overhearing you speak and—
• Estigua: [scoffs] Grosseiro! É melhor você observar seu próprio negócio.
• Pencil: I'm sorry, me mum can be a li'l ...
• Sword: Yeah, I know.
• Pencil: Wot do y'want anyways?
• Sword: My name is Sword, I'm a talent agent.

[Estigua faints.]

• Pencil: Omg, I'm talented!
• Sword: I've been travelling all the supermarkets in Kenya trying to find true talent for my new show.
• Pencil: Show ... show ... show ...

[She recalls an event from her past by placing her hands on her head.]

• Pencil: An' wot does they call this show?
• Sword: I don't know, we're still trying to think of a name. But it's going to be fun. You should definitely think of joining.
• Pencil: Wow, really? [he hands her his business card] Thank you!

Cashier station

• Pencil: An' then 'e ga' me his business card. 'Ow are'ee not registerin' this?
• Estigua: Porque eu fiquei inconsciente quando ele me disse que ele era um agente! Penélope, esta é uma grande decisão que você faz aqui.
• Pencil: But Mum!
• Estigua: Ser uma atriz é vergonhosa para a nossa família! Eu sei que tantas pessoas fugiram e se juntaram a Kollywood.
• Pencil: Firs' of all, it's Riverwood. An' second of all, I'm a lead role at me 'igh school opera company!
• Estigua: Está me dando o sass?
• Pencil: [reculant] No, ma'am!

[Enter Test Tube with Nelson and Needle.]

• Test Tube: Please, sorry, movies-say por favor!

[She sees Estigua and Pencil.]

• Test Tube: Olá, família!
• Estigua: Graças a Deus você está aqui. A senhora leva muito tempo colocando minhas coisas em sacos. Ela deveria ser demitida!
• Test Tube: Oh. Oh! You're saying the lady takes too long ... and she should be fired!

[The cashier gives Estigua a little dirty look.]

• Pencil: Mum, can we talk about this 'ole actin' thing?
• Estigua: Sim, talvez mais tarde. Mas primeiro eu tenho que dizer o português para "Me desculpe".
• Test Tube: And now she's saying ... she doesn't want to say sorry!

[The cashier gives Estigua a death glare.]

Pencil's room

• Pencil: Girl, you know me so well!
• Match: [on the other side] Omg, innit? So this craziest thing happened today!
• Pencil: Wot was'e?
• Match: This, like, afternoon my hair was feeling all weird, so I went to hospital off Denmark Street and the lady didn't take me in! She was like, "We take but nobody here." And I thought it was because I was, like, Canadian ...

[Enter Needle.]

• Needle: Hey, Mum wants you.
• Pencil: Wot'd I do?
• Needle: She just wants to talk.
• Pencil: Okay!

[She leaves the phone on her bed, still on.]

• Needle: Shall I turn off the—
• Pencil: No, this girl can speak fer hours! Keep 'er 'angin'!
• Needle: Whatever you say.

[Exit Pencil.]

• Match: So I was like, "This is why Kenya needs a university health fair", that's so interesting, like, eh?
• Needle: [pretending to be Pencil] Aye, thet's really pleasin' to my ears, m8!
• Match: I'm glad you, like, understand. Now let's talk about Needy!

[Needle slaps the phone.]

• Needle: Don't call me Needy! Also, ow!

Living room

• Estigua: Mmh ...

[Enter Pencil.]

• Pencil: Oi, Mum.
• Estigua: Fique quieta por um momento! Uweel! Off! Mis! Fohtiune!
• Pencil: Oh, you're practisin' fer English. But why'd'ee call me 'ere?
• Estigua: Ah! Você se lembra mais cedo hoje, quando não queria que se tornasse atriz?
• Pencil: Aye. Wait, you've changed yer mind? Omg, Mummy, I love you!

[She runs to the room quickly and hugs her.]

• Estigua: Eu nunca disse que eu mudei de idéia.
• Pencil: Wait, wot? Yer opinion stands?
• Estigua: Essa conversa acabou.
• Pencil: [going back] When ain'e?

Pencil's room

• Needle: Gmo!
• Match: It's "Omg"!
• Needle: Oh, Pencil's back. See you later Match!
• Match: See you later, Needy!

[Needle slaps the phone.]

• Needle: Don't call me Needy!

[She gives her the phone back.]

• Pencil: 'Lo, Match!
• Match: Omg, I wish we could talk more, but watching the Nairobi, like, Go championships.
• Pencil: Really? Y'always says board games are fer nerds an' losers like yer brother.
• Match: At least ten beautiful guys on TV? To hell if I don't watch this! Bye.
• Pencil: Wait! Beautiful guys? Tomorrow'll I tell'ee 'bout someone yer type we met in Ball-Mart.
• Match: Omg, like, please do!
• Pencil: I will! Bye.
• Match: Bye!

[They both hang up. On both sides of the telephone Pencil and Match sigh.]

Monday, November 28, 2107

School

• Pencil: [sigh] Oh, it's 7:45. Where's Match gone?
• Bubble: Moybe she's late!
• Pencil: Like, 'ow late? Ruby late er jus' thirteen seconds after the bell late?
• Bubble: Woill, Match is surely somewhoire.
• Pencil: We'd be'er go to the library an' find Book.

[They run to the library. All of a sudden, Pencil sees Pen.]

• Pencil: Oi, 'lo Pen!

[Pencil kisses him.]

• Bubble: Blekkh!
• Pen: Hey, Penc, I've got some news.
• Pencil: Wot 'appened?
• Pen: Match isn't coming to school today.
• Pencil: Wot? I'd got to speak ter'a 'bout me day yester—

[Suddenly, enter Match.]

• Match: Omg, I'm here.
• Pencil: You're so late!
• Match: Yeah, I, like, had this weird dream. I was on film—
• Pencil: Oh, I wanted to be h'on film! But me mum wouldn' let me, thanks fer remindin' me, Match!

[Exit Pencil in sulking tears.]

• Bubble: Can I soy something?
• Match: Sure.
• Bubble: Bosoms!

[Exit Bubble, following Pencil.]

• Match: I don't know how, but this is all, like, your fault!
• Pen: Are you kidding, this whole thing is your f—
• Match: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

[Match starts to wrestle him. Everyone else starts to watch, including the headmistress, Golf Ball with Tennis Ball.]

• Golf Ball: Oh, such a friendly game amongst siblings.
• Tennis Ball: We need no discipline with those two.
• Pen: Why am I losing?!

Girls' bathroom

• Pencil: Okay, Penc-penc … you can do this. You're supposed to be 'ere, you've been excused! … By yer bes' friend, goddamme!

[Exterior shot of the bathroom with people entering and leaving.]

• Pencil: If anyone asks, you were shiッティng.

[She sighs and pulls out the business card again. Suddenly, enter Apple.]

• Apple: Oh my plant, it was totally crunk! She's back!
• Pencil: Omg, 'tis Apple!
• Clarion: Who's back?
• Apple: Our old professor, Mrs. Chembe! Or was it our new one?
• Pencil: [from the stall] Wait, Mrs. Chembe's come back? Yay!

[Immediately, Pencil sprints from the stall outside back to the classroom.]

• Clarion: Is that Pencil?
• Apple: She always was her favourite student. Or was it me?
• Clarion: Nah, you're just too undeniably stupid and one-dimensional.
• Apple: Wow, girl, that's … true! Or is it false?

Outside the classroom

• Match: Omg, where is she?
• Pen: Who?
• Match: Who do you think? You're girlfriend didn't show up!

[Enter Pencil.]

• Match: Omg!
• Bubble: Thoire you are!
• Book: Ruby has been getting itchy.
• Pencil: Sorry, I's talkin' with Chembe. D'y'know she's been in Americker o'er ther 'olidays?

[Everyone looks at each other.]

• The alliance: Yes. We were in class, you weren't!
• Pencil: Omg, y'says all o' thet a' the same time! Says somethin' else!

[Everyone talks at the same time, but different things.]

• Pencil: Eh, it was fun as 'twas.
• Match: We'd better, like, go.
• Book: Yeah, I wish not to be late for our next class period. Ruby and Match, to Cove! Everyone else, scatter yourselves!
• Ruby: Book-chan, can you say your going away word?
• Book: Cove, ahoy!
• Match: More like Cove, aho!

[A. R. I. of leaving.]

• Book: It is funny because aho said that.

[The girls laugh to each other.]

Tuesday, November 29, 2107

Mr. Cove's room

• Book: Hey, Mr. Cove, I would like to inquire you about my grade in this class. I only have an A, but I would like an A+ …

[Outside, Pencil and Match are waiting.]

• Match: Omg, Penc, you forgot!
• Pencil: Fergot wot? Me memory space's limited, m8.
• Match: To tell me what happened that Sunday!

[Awkward silence.]

• Pencil: Oh, thet Sunday! I'll tell'ee h'a' lunch.
• Match: About the guy that's my type?
• Pencil: Aye!
• Match: Omg, I hope it's a hot guy.

[Exit Book.]

• Book: Okay, we are ready to go!
• Match: Hot guy! Hot guy! Hot guy!

[They start to walk. Suddenly, Pencil notices Pen coming her way. He smiles at her.]

• Pencil: 'Lo, Pen, we're all a-lunchin' at 'Aroldine's. Want to come?
• Pen: Sorry, like, remember what day it is?
• Pencil: Oh yeah! Male bondin' with yer baseball bros …

[The rest of the alliance look at each other.]

• Pencil: … doesn' excuse'ee from not comin' with me!
• Match: Omg, Penc-penc, like, let it go!
• Book: We can have a girls' day like I always wanted!
• Match: Yeah! [to Pen] Bye, baka! [going] Hot guy! Hot guy! Hot guy!

[Pen sits down at a table with his other friends.]

• Pen: Hey, does anyone know what a "baka" is?

[Tsukerō hits his head with his binder.]

Haroldine's Cafe

• Pencil: So, y'wanted to hear about the guy I'd met?
• Match: Yeah!
• Ruby: ♫ Tell us, tell us all about it! ♫

[They laugh.]

• Pencil: Omg, this is 'ow 'twent.

[One explanation later.]

• Match: Seriously?
• Pencil: Aye, h'an' I'm going to call thet number right now!
• Bubble: Ooh, sign me up too!
• Ruby: Yeah!
• Pencil: Yer parents are okay with this?
• Book: Of course!
• Match: We are the lead roles at our high school opera company.
• Pencil: Thet's wot I was sayin'! Well, I'm to call an' I shall mention all o' yer names.
• Match: Omg, this is so exciting! Tell me if it's that guy answering.
• Pencil: Kay.

[Enter Caldera.]

• Caldera: Hey, you're not eating your food!
• Ruby: Omg, sorry!
• Bubble: We were just in the heat of the moment!
• Match: We didn't even know it was coming!

[Silence.]

• Caldera: How awkward is this!

[Exit Caldera.]

• Pencil: 'Ello? Is this the talent agency? … … Aye, she h'is speakin'. … … … Really? This Saturday? … Is it okay if I should bring some friends along with me? … … Their names are Match, Bubble, Ruby an' Book, but they're rather busy.

[She looks at what is happening before her: Match and Bubble are playing Spongy Cake standing on the table and Ruby is pulling Book away from a fight with Book of Horrible Situations.]

• Pencil: So thanks'ee fer callin'! Kwaheri!

[She hangs up.]

• Match: Omg, was it … he?
• Pencil: Aye, it was.
• Match: And you didn't tell me, like, at all?
• Pencil: No. H'acos … you're all goin' this Saturday!

[They all squeal in excitement.]

• Pencil: I'm tellin' Pen abou' this.
• Book: Better yet, make him go!
• Pencil: Omg, thet's a great idea!

Wednesday, November 30, 2107

Pencil's room

• Pencil: [waking up] AAAAAAH!
• Nelson: [who has been awake] Was that a scream of joy, or was that a scream of—
• Pencil: Neither! I jus' 'ad one o' those dreams thet's, like, 'appened before!
• Nelson: Déjà vu?
• Pencil: Aye! Oi, canst'ee wake up Needle? She was a part o' me dream!
• Nelson: I don't know, but I can wake up Needy.

[Needle immediately wakes up, slapping Nelson.]

• Needle: Don't call me Needy! But what?
• Nelson: Isn't that creepy when she does that?
• Pencil: I know, yeah?
• Needle: Why am I awake at 5:30?
• Pencil: Oh, thet? You were a part o' me dream!
• Needle: I play a role in your life? Interesting.
• Pencil: You an' Match an' Pen an' like e'eryone else!
• Nelson: Even me?
• Pencil: No.
• Nelson: Was it a dream where everyone died?
• Pencil: N—

[Enter Estigua.]

• Estigua: Sst! Algumas pessoas estão tentando dormir um pouco!

Early morning

• Match: Omg, Pencil, what are you, like, doing?
• Pencil: Makin' a list o' people 'o'd appeared in me dream. 'O knows, this might save the wor—
• Match: I mean, like, why do you still have that phone?
• Pencil: Wot, the Raspberry?
• Match: Everyone should get the new MePhone.
• Pen: Hey, Match, she can have whatever phone she wants … even if that phone is not as good as the MePhone.
• Book: [to Ruby] This is why we have Jokias. So things like that do not happen.
• Ruby: Abso-looloo!

Kwanzajinawa Theatre

• Bubble: Oh my goish, what is that?
• Book: That, Bubble, is a bed. Most people sleep on one of those.
• Bubble: I moin, like, is it in the opera?
• Match: Omg, what if they include a scene where, like, all of them have seקס
• Pen: Oh my G-d …
• Bubble: Oh noio!
• Pencil: Can you spray'er?
• Ruby: Sure!

[Ruby gets a bottle of perfume, walks over to the bed and sprays Mrs. Chembe.]

• Mrs. Chembe: Mungu wangu!
• Ruby: Are you doing okay?
• Gelatin: Unfortunately, Mrs. Chembe was at a party last night and get blackout drunk. So we used the school funds to buy her a bed.
• Bubble: Hi, Gelatin!
• Gelatin: I need to go polish my chorus.

[Exit Gelatin.]

• Bubble: He's so droimy.
• Pencil: I know, right?
• Pen: Dude!
• Pencil: 'E'd appeared in me dream!
• Pen: Was it a dream where everyone died?
• Pencil: Oi, y'was in'e too, m8!
• Match: Like, how many people appeared?
• Pencil: Well … h'if I should sing it to the tune o' one of our songs …

Aria
Vocalist(s): Pencil

♫ Me friends, let me tell'ee h'a tale
Thet can not fail
To get all of ye lot informed,
Precisely wary!
'Twas jus' a night ago you see,
H'as dreamt by me
A dream thet left me so unwarmed
In manner scary.

With "Yeah, I know, she's so surprised",
I h'agonised
'Ad seen they came from thet same source
As ou-er lady.
But worse ter 'ear was "Really" spoke,
As if in joke,
By me, oh me—h'an 'ittle 'oarse
Through someone shady.
Thet's when it came thet wot I'd seen before
Occurred a century ago h'or more!

Yet it wa'n' us ye see but there
Were more I swear
To these unfortunately com-
-plicated stories.
Two parts there were; I can not tell
Wot's more like 'ell:
Fer one jus' ad thet gentle calm
An' other glories!

There Leafy, Flower, Coiny were
With E-ra-ser
An' Spongy, Needle, Tennis Ball
Dorer an' Rocky,
An' Yellow Face an' then there's Pin,
An' Gelatin,
An' Golf Ball, Puffball, dumb Snowball,
An' Fries an' Blocky.
So tell yer friends, the plan they've set f'r'ye then
Is none compared to thet ye'd do h'again! ♫

[Silence. Then, everyone resumes their duties.]

• Pencil: Wot, no h'applause?
• Pen: This is musical theatre.

Saturday, December 3, 2017

Home

• Pencil: Oi, Needle, thet was a fun party.

[Needle does not wake up. Pencil sighs.]

• Pencil: Needy—

[Needle slaps her.]

• Needle: Don't call me Needy! But yeah, Mum told me she had to fight the gang just to save you lot.
• Pencil: I know, but I h'owe'e h'all ter—
• Needle: Oh my lanta, isn't it time?
• Pencil: Fer wot?
• Needle: Today's Saturday!
• Pencil: Oi, h'if Mum finds out we've been sleepin' ...

[Enter Estigua immediately.]

• Estigua: Penélope, está atrasada!
• Pencil: But 'ow can I be late fer somethin' I started?
• Estigua: Não importa isso, precisamos sair agora!

(On the way to) school

• Pencil: Omg, they're all 'ere!
• Needle: That's what "You're late" means!
• Estigua: Ok, estamos aqui. Deixe-me largar todos os dois antes que seu irmão perceba que já estive.

[She parks by the front of the school.]

• Pencil: Bye!
• Needle: We'll see you whenever! Don't worry, Pencil, I'll stay by your side.
• Pencil: Sounds coolio!
• Pen: Hey, Penc!
• Pencil: Omg, y'came!

[They kiss. Needle walks away.]

• Pen: The turnout's amazing, eh?
• Pencil: O' course! I mean, I shouldn' be surprised acos 'twas I 'o'd planned'e.
• Pen: Hey, do you know where Match is?
• Pencil: Probably still sleepin'. But she demanded thet I shan' start ere she h'arrives.
• Pen: That's so Match of her to say!
• Pencil: Innit?
• Ruby: Hey, Pencil!
• Pencil: Ruby!
• Book: They have a yoylestew bowl here.
• Pencil: Ooh, 'r'ee geh'n to drink from'e?
• Book: No, we just dipped our feet in it to prove a point.
• Pen: You're making feet juice? That's, like, Eraser's favourite.
• Ruby: No, silly, Book walked to school in the mud ... in these shoes!

[Book holds up a pair of shoes. Bubble makes drinking sounds in the background, but then ...]

• Bubble: Bleh, it toistes like feet!

[Enter Match.]

• Match: Omg, nobody, like, start anything yet!
• Pencil: As me Mum'd says, "Está atrasada".
• Match: I'm sorry, but all night I was thinking!
• Pencil: Well, it looks like e'eryone's 'ere, so h'I should talk.

[She stands on the two benches that have been stacked on top of each other. Match hands her a megaphone.]

• Pencil: Attention, people! 'Ear this, tazama!

[The crowd quiets down.]

• Pencil: [starting her speech] Firs' of all, thank all ye lot fer takin' time out o' yer Saturday schedules fer me. I know you've all got better things to do than wait fer wot we shall be doin' today, but all thet 'appened to me happened in a dream, an' it's time fer us to make amends to wote'er thet's 'appened an 'undred years ago. So h'again, thanks'ee fer yer time, an' we shall be boardin' a bus.
• Pillow: We have a bus?
• Pencil: Not jus' any bus, but the h'only private transportation known ter object! It …

[During all of this, a smaller voice has been speaking in the background completely different things.]

• Golf Ball: ... but they later turned against her.
• Pencil: Golf Ball! Wot'n'ale's'ee sayin'?
• Golf Ball: First of all, I am your headmistress ball. Treat me with the respect I deserve. Second, I was telling these heathens of a story that had happened in African American history.
• Robot Flower: [to Pencil] Nongqawuse did the same thing in Xhosaland!
• Pencil: Right, an' you're a-tellin' a story o' South Africans an' you're callin' 'em African Americans?
• Golf Ball: That is the politically correct thing to say. I can't just say African, or … [gasp] black.
• Black Hole: Hey.
• Tree: If I may interrupt this … awkward student-administration conflict, the bus has come.
• Pencil: Yay, the bus is 'ere! E'eryone aboard.

Bus

• Pencil: Now let me take attendance from this lis' I wrote down. Y'can't tell acos my 'andwritin' resembles a font an'—
• Book: [imitating Golf Ball] Get on with it! [laughs]
• Golf Ball: I agree with the woman with the glorious voice!
• Pencil: Okay! 8-Ball!
• 8-Ball: I don't have a favourite number, but I'm here.
• Pencil: Balloony!
• Balloony: Here!
• Pencil: Barf Bag!
• Balloony: Here!
• Pencil: Basketball!
• Basketball: Heeeeeurr!

[Several names later.]

• Woody: Aaaaaaaaaaa!
• Pencil: And Yellow Face!
• Yellow Face: I'm here! By the way, do you want to buy something?
• Pencil: Hold thet thought, I mus' geb contact ter our driver.
• Bus Driver: Tunaenda wapi?

[Meanwhile.]

• Firey Jr.: People, people!
• Tennis Ball: Yes, child?
• Firey: I think he sees people!
• Coiny: Where? I don't see anything at all!
• Needle: That's a surprise.
• Firey: Let them in—Wait, who are they?

[Tennis Ball looks outside the window: He sees Stapy, Foldy and Liy.]

• Tennis Ball: Hey, it's Stapy, Foldy and Liy!
• Golf Ball: I wrote them up for Saturday detention! Why are they here?
• Match: Then again, why am I here?
• Golf Ball: Whatever you do, don't let them in! I am an administratress and I say don't let them in!

[Outside.]

• Foldy: Do you think they'll let us in?
• Liy: It's probably for a club meeting! Something I was never a part of.
• Stapy: You kind of whine too much, Liy.
• Liy: You know what?

[Enter Loser.]

• Loser: Loser's coming in at the most convenient moment!
• Foldy, Liy & Stapy: Loser!
• Everyone in the bus: Loser!
• Golf Ball: So? He is not even a student! I don't have the faintest clue of how he even arrived.
• Everyone in the bus: Let him in! Let him in!
• Golf Ball: [sigh] Fine.
• Loser: Now this is a partying bus!

[Cheering noises. The bus rolls off, playing whatever counts as 22nd-century party music in the process.]

Abacaba Studios

• Sword: It's open!
• Pencil: It's Pencil!

[She opens the door. Sword had been expecting only one person to show up.]

• Sword: Welcome to my house, I mean, studio.
• Pencil: Oh. We weren't expectin' this place to be an 'ouse out in the mipaka ya mji.
• Sword: Hey, it's not about religion!
• Naily: Penc, can I have my money back?
• Pencil: I ne'er paid'ee, m8, I'm poor!
• Sword: Oh, and you brought people with you.
• Pencil: I'm sorry, w's I h'intendin' to? I thought y'liked people!

[Awkward silence.]

• Donut: The silence is awkward!
• Lollipop: This studio is a house.
• Clock: The pizza is aggressive.
• Sword: Come with me, I will show your auditioning area.

[One by one, all of the objects enter in no particular order.]

Abacaba Studios' auditioning room

• Sword: As you can see, this is where we do our auditions. It is how we get to determine who gets to be on the show or not.
• Liy: Show? We followed you people to a show?
• Golf Ball: I am not going to participate in a show! Come with me, Tennis Ball!
• Tennis Ball: But it seems like a good—
• Sword: Too bad, you have already showed up, so you have to audition.

[The end of the queue, that is, Match, enters.]

• Sword: Anyways, we will do our auditions in the same way that you entered. In a—
• Match: OMG, WHO THE HELL IS THAT HUNK OF MAN!

[Everyone looks at Match.]

• Sword: Excuse me, who are you?
• Match: My name is, like, Match Anastasia Achsah Zapałka, and I am here to be your girl!
• Sword: Your name is like that? Then what is it really?
• Golf Ball: It doesn't matter. That girl is a floozy. Let's get to the auditions!
• Book: Ha, it is funny because she called you out.
• Sword: So yeah. Let us start the auditions.
• Pencil: 'O goes first?
• Sword: Since you were the first to meet me, you go first.
• Pencil: Omg, 'ow cool!
• Match: [angrily, under her breath] Pencil...

[A few seconds later, the queue backs up outside the door. It is Pencil's turn to audition.]

• Sword: Alright, show me what you have.

[Pencil puts a record on a gramophone in the room.]

Song
Vocalist(s): Pencil

♫ Now, Marco dear,
My wishes 'ear:
While you're away
H'it's understood
You will be good
An' not too gay. ♫

• Sword: That's nice and all—
• Pencil: Sorry, but I can understand thet. Not many people in this country like thet.
• Sword: I'm sorry, I mean in auditions, you have to do what comes to your heart! You can't just put on a record and sing playback to a—
• Pencil: Wot? Y'thinks I'm singin' playback, m8?
• Sword: That's not what I meant, Pencil.
• Pencil: Literally no one sings thet way! Y'know, methinks you're jus'—

[Outside the audition area, the others listen, astonished.]

• Pen: The auditions are going pretty well.

[Screaming.]

• Pen: Match, go first.
• Match: You know what? I will; that guy inside is hot.
• Book: If you say so!

[Inside the audition room.]

• Sword: Alright, alright, you're in! Make a note of that, Ceibo.
• Pencil: Thank you!

[Pencil skips out happily.]

• Pencil: Good luck, 'e's a jerk.
• Match: Ooh!
• Sword: Please, don't sing!

[Match realises who it is.]

• Match: Hello, gorgeous!
• Sword: [rolls his eyes] Please, tell me a little about yourself.
• Match: Well, your primary home is Buenos Aires, but you alternate with Málaga—that's in Spain, BT, like, W. And then, like, I know you're 18 years old—you just turned it, and you're studying at the NSo-Business and—
• Sword: [whose mouth has been agape] I said tell me about yourself, not myself. Where did you even get that infor—
• Match: Are you dating anyone? I'm in between boyfriends.

[Sword screams. Following is a montage of auditions, similar to those in Before BFDI.]

• Sword: [off-screen] So you're a basketball, huh? I expect a lot from you, sir!
• Basketball: I'm a girl!
• Sword: In that case, what's your favourite number?
• 8-Ball: I don't have a favourite number, yet I still don't get what you're asking.
• Sword: You don't know? As in, at all?
• Golf Ball: No, I don't know why I am here. I deserve to be superior to these people!
• Sword: Superior as in more, or bigger, or what?
• Tennis Ball: I think everyone is younger than me, and that's kind of weird.
• Firey: Wait, what was that?
• Sword: How is your academic life going? [Silent.] Why are you making this awkward and silent for me?
• Coiny: I don't think I'm the type of person to ramble on and on about things people don't care about; most people are fond of the things I say. In fact, I have to tell you a story my father told me when he was just starting being a police officer.
• Sword: So I take it that you don't hate anything?
• Needle: Well, I don't like the name Needy.
• Sword: Needy?

[She slaps him.]

• Needle: Don't call me Needy!
• Sword: [to Ceibo] La sujeta se molesta en la caída de un sombrero.
• Pin: Yeah, being bilingual can be a real benefit. Except when you're thinking of one word that you don't know in English but it comes out bằng ngôn ngữ của riêng bạn.
• Loser: Uh...
• Sword: Don't say anything more, you're hired.
• Eggy: But don't you want to hear my life story? [pause] What do you mean I'm not the type of person who has an interesting backstory?
• Clock: I am too! Confident, that is, not stupid.
• Snowball: Thine arse is but a stupid boorish thing!
• Sword: Got anything else you want to say?
• Cake: I think, therefore I am. That's exactly what Loser said to me, so it has to be true!
• Lightning: Well, you've got to let me in this show. I have so much electrical potential!
• Sword: Somehow I don't believe you.
• Liy: You know, I'm the queen of lies. I guess that's why my name is Liy! Right? You're not laughing.
• Sword: No. Say something philosophical instead!
• Pie: Life is a complicated tangle.
• Sword: I'm crying on the inside.
• Black Hole: I'm slightly immature! [pause] Does anyone else speak Swedish?
• Bottle: I agree with you.
• Sword: That you would be a terrible candidate?
• Bottle: Hey! But yes.
• Sword: For a British person, you're not that smart.
• Tree: For the last time, I'm Australian, not British! Don't worry, I didn't come for a second colonisation.

[Sword shakes his arms.]

• Pillow: What are you doing?
• Sword: Shaking my arms?
• Pillow: See, that should be illegal! It's what's wrong with this world!
• Barf Bag: Yeah, if you can't tolerate me, y'know, for being made out of barf, then... you're gross.
• Sword: Gross?
• Firey Jr.: Come on Mr. Sword, it's a totally natural process.
• Spongy: IIII AAAAM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FAAAAT.

[Bomby noises. Meanwhile, outside the studio.]

• Pen: Go ahead... You go before me... Ladies first!
• Donut: I'm a dude!
• Pencil: Looks like someone's scared t' be h'auditionin'.
• Pen: What? Of course not! Everybody knows the one who auditions last automatically gets in.
• Bubble: Oi've been acting for a long time. Roight now, I'm in a production of—
• Sword: Yeah, but what are you like?
• Bubble: W–what do I loike? No, I don't want you that way!
• Ruby: Want to see a magic trick? And no, I don't mean that silly old stage magic, we're talking pure hexery.
• Book: I like to think of myself as a friend to all creatures of the world … except for most animate objects. Seriously, some call me a misempsychist.
• Ice Cube: Revenge!
• Sword: What? I asked what your name was.
• Gaty: It's Gaty!
• Sword: Katie?
• Gaty: Gaty, with a G!
• Sword: Ooh, you play violin too?

[Dora says "Dadadadadadadada", and Teardrop says nothing.]

• Saw: I really like standing in the background. No major role, please!
• Lollipop: I'm sure you mean no harm, but honestly I could be at home, eating a sandwich or baking a taco.
• Taco: What? Did she just say that? I'm just so offended!
• Sword: You're offended? By that?
• Leafy: I get offended by everything in this world, because somewhere, even the things I might say … could be offensive, and I hope from the bottom of my heart that never happens.

[Roboty noises. Woody noises.]

• Rocky: Bleh!
• Cloudy: I'm zorry, whad were you zayink?
• Sword: Haven't I seen you before?
• Nickel: No, you haven't. Why?
• Sword: I was walking on the street one day, my eyes went astray and you appeared!
• Balloony: It's not right to make sweeping generalisations like that, you know.
• Yellow Face: You mean the fact that all salesmen are men? For 399 KSh, I'll offer you a DVD of all of the female salesmen in the world.
• Sword: Not interested.
• Bell: But you haven't even heard me speak yet!
• Sword: And yet I'm still bored.
• Foldy: What? But we are the total power couple!
• Stapy: Pen and Pencil have got nothing on us.
• Sword: That is true.
• Marker: WoAh, YoU cAn'T jUsT jUdGe SoMeOnE bY tHe SoUnD oF tHeIr VoIcE!
• Sword: What? All I said is that you sound like you swalled a helium balloon!
• Fries: That's hurtful!
• Puffball: Yeah!
• Sword: Yeah, what?
• Puffball: Sorry, was I supposed to say more things?
• Sword: Unfortunately, yes.
• Fanny: So you don't care about how inappopriate my name sounds?
• Sword: As I said, yes.
• Bracelety: Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank you so much for letting me be with Ice Cube if she ever gets in!
• Sword: We're going to need to fix that...
• Grassy: Grassy don't need to be fixed!

[TV beeps.]

• Sword: Huh?
• Robot Flower: Huh?
• Sword: Huh?
• Eraser: Wait, you're the interviewer! You don't have the power to be confused!
• Sword: And you don't have the power to be smoking in my audition room!
• Eraser: Oh, sorry.
• Blocky: You see it? Damn, I thought I was being subtle.
• Sword: The word "subtle" doesn't have an audible "B" in it, don't you know?
• Remote: Of course I know. I can analyse the pronunciation of ten million words in the English language.
• Sword: Wow, that's talent.
• Gelatin: Really? I think of myself as a completely average guy.
• Sword: That's bad.
• Flower: That's bad? That's bad? THAT'S BAD?! I'll show you what's bad!
• Sword: Uh, next?
• Donut: Wait! There are a few things I have to say, and I promise, none of them have profanity.

[Awkward silence.]

• Sword: So?
• Naily: So the manicurist goes to the circumference painter and she goes, "You sure look married today!"
• Sword: That's not funny.
• David: Aw, seriously?
• Sword: Yes, seriously.
• Pen: You'll be glad to hear that I have a monologue that I was supposed to memorise for the Pen-the-Ten-or showcase next month—
• Sword: Just say it!

[Pen clears his throat.]

• Pen: "You are very dear to me, George. We were boys together—at least I was."

[An alarm clock sounds in the distance.]

• Sword: Oh, querido, auditions have ended.

[He literally pushes Pen out of the room.]

• Sword: You're going to have to wait out here with the others.
• Pen: Wait, how am I, like, light enough for this?

[Later, all 64 auditionees are sitting on the ground.]

• Sword: We have good news and bad news.
• Coiny: State the bad news first!
• Firey: No, say the good news!
• Sword: How Manichaean of you two. The general news is that all of you appear to be terrible at acting. However, the fact that there are sixty-four of you is perfect for our show. You all got accepted.

[Everyone cheers.]

• Gaty: So what are our lines?
• Book: Yeah, when shall we start?
• Sword: Next week.

[A. R. I. of disapproval.]

• Sword: I will come up with a script for you all by the Saturday after this.
• Eraser: I guess this is goodbye then.
• Match: Duh! Listen to this, like, beauty.

Lunch

• Pencil: Wow, this is so h'excitin'!
• Pen: I know, it's like, what did they put in this?
• Ruby: It looks like organic money.
• Book: Yikes.
• Pencil: Not thet, 's in, we're to be h'on a TV show!
• Match: That's so, like, true! So, like, what do you think this show's going to be like?
• Pencil: I'm 'avin' a vision.

[She looks at some focal point in the distance. What follows is a series of moments from the past.]

Pencil: Wow, this book is the best! Okay, what are those sounds? Match! Do you know what those sounds are?

• Pencil: It's goin' to be totally different from wot we'll be h'expectin', let's jus' says thet.
• Bubble: Woit a minute!
• Pencil: Aye, Bubble?
• Bubble: What about Mrs Chembe? She'll çoirtainly feel horrible we've ditched her shoyow for the boib toibe.
• Ruby: Haha, "boob tube"!
• Match: You totally triggered our emotions!
• Pencil: Oh no, she's right! We can't commit to two things at once!
• Pen: Don't worry. Mrs C will never know we changed who we work for.

Monday, December 5, 2107

Mrs Chembe's room

• Mrs. Chembe: They changed who they work for!
• Match: Omg, she is sad!

[Beat.]

• Match: I'ma, like, organise my make-up pouch.
• Pencil: Mrs Chembe, wot's wrong?
• Mrs. Chembe: I just read the newspaper!
• Pen: It's 2107, who reads the newspaper? [Pencil elbows him]
• Mrs. Chembe: They said the cast for the hottest new show consists of... these sixty-four actors from the Greater N... Nairobi area, and... all of you are one of them!
• Pencil: We're sorry. We 'ad to be h'a part o' this acos o' this thing... Look, it don' matter. We hurt yer feelings, an' we want to make it up fer you.
• Mrs. Chembe: I have a plan that I know you'll enjoy!
• Pencil: Thanks'ee!

[Pencil goes to her seat.]

• Pen: Mrs Chembe, if I may...

[Meanwhile, at the tables.]

• Pencil: I think I'm a-feelin' too guilty.
• Match: Don't worry! Sure she's your favourite professor and our only native Kenyan one, but I'm sure, like, something good will come out of this shi—

[During this, enter Pen.]

• Pen: Hey.
• Pencil: 'Lo, 'andsome.
• Match: Omg, get out of my, like, faaaace!
• Pen: Good news! I just talked with Mrs C.
• Pencil: Wot'd she says?
• Pen: I told her that "hot" was just the cool way people say "popular", and that she was a gas that couldn't change when the temperature increases.
• Pencil: So she's all 'appy now?
• Pen: Yeah!
• Pencil: GODDAMN'E, HA'N'EE GOT ANY FLAWS?
• Match: Can I make a list?
• Pen: Oh, and by the way, she changed the day of the show from March to next Friday night.
• Pencil: Ah, thet's cool—wait, WOT?

Friday, December 9, 2107

Kwanzajinawa Theatre

• Soap: [reading] An alle, die zu besuchen, guten Abend. Heute feiern wir eine Nacht der Musik und des Tanzes, während wir das Ende der Repertoire-Saison 2107 beginnen.

[Backstage, the cast are getting into their costumes.]

• Bubble: (CASILDA) Whoy is she talking in Spanish?
• Match: (TESSA) Shh, they can, like, hear us.
• Pen: (MARCO) I'm just ready to win A-S-S now. My TAPOSE is sure to make girls faint.
• Bottle: (CONTADINA #12) So is mine.
• Ruby: (GIULIA) At least you get to marry a girl.
• Soap: Und mit einem schweren Herzen der Feierlichkeit, mit Musik von Arthur Sullivan und englischem Text von William S. Gilbert, und einer Besetzung aus Venedig—naja, nicht die meisten von uns—präsentieren wir Ihrem ehrenwerten Publikum die Männer, die Boote bauen.

[Mrs Chembe conducts the instruments that play themselves. About four minutes later, the music smoothly segues into the lyrical part of the opera: The stage lights turn on at once: 24 contadine, led by Soap, enter.]

Song
Vocalist(s): Chorus

Contadine.
♫ List and learn, list and learn.
List and learn ye dainty roses,
Roses white and roses red.
Why we bind you into posies
Ere your morning bloom has fled...

[As in "Still in a Hundred Years", I won't be posting the entire opera here—A few hours later.]

Old Xeres, adieu, Manzanilla, Montero,
We leave you with feelings of pleasure,
With feelings of pleasure! ♫

[They all wave good-bye to the audience, followed by a curtain call to the 1929 overture music.

Backstage

• Mrs. Chembe: [in the background] Our cast for next season's Princess Ida is currently empty! If you like dressing in drag, put your name by the role you want!
• Pencil: Thet was a good show.
• Pen: Agreed. Not as bad as it played in my head.
• Match: Hey, Penc-penc, isn't that your Mum approaching?

[Estigua gleefully passes them.]

• Match: Hey, Mrs Estigua, did you like the show?
• Estigua: I loved it.

[Pencil and Match giggle, but Pencil abruptly stops.]

• Pencil: Wait, d'ye jus' says a thing in English? An' I mean, a completed sentence thing?
• Estigua: Yeah, and by the way, the sign said "No smoking", Giuseppe.

[Eraser puts everything down.]

• Pen: Wow, this is amazing.
• Pencil: Wot's amazin'?
• Pen: I've never heard your mother speak English before.
• Pencil: Aye, but I ha'. But only on one occasion.
• Pen: What's that?
• Estigua: She's right here!

[Pencil's mouth drops, as the person who walks to her is none other than...]

• Estigua: Pencil and friends, I'd like you to meet her father.
• Triangle: Nzuri kukutana na wanne.
• Pencil: Wait, WOT!?—

Saturday, December 10, 2107

Abacaba Studios' waiting room

• Match: And then she went crazy!
• Book: Wow, your gossip powers are through the roof!
• Ruby: Eh, 6/10.

[Enter Pencil. She is beaming with joy.]

• Match: Hey, Penc-penc!
• Pen: You okay?
• Pencil: Aye, I'm great!
• Pen: Well, we just want to thank your father for his service to our country.
• Book: You liar, you were the one who said Canadian soldiers are superior in every way!
• Pen: That was five minutes ago!
• Pencil: Anyway, I got'ee h'all tickets to this!

[She shows a piece of paper.]

• Bubble: Ooh, there are words on it!
• Pencil: It's a draftin' ceremony.
• Ruby: What?
• Pencil: As y'know, we're at war with Brazil at present. Father is lookin' fer troops to keep morale up an' maybe we can win!
• Eraser: Ooh, so are you going to join?
• Pencil: Oh no, ladies are strictly forbidd'n, aye, but, 'tis a totally h'informal things. Y' don' got to shows up if y' don' wants.
• Pen: There's something I won't be attending.
• Pencil: Oh, come on! Me mum's Brazilian an' our country thinks of us traitors already. Nelson's too young to die fer us, an' you're basically family. Take this as an 'onour.
• Pen: Thanks but... your father married a Brazilian! If anyone should initiate the peace treaty, it's a man who calls a lady from the country he's at war with his wife.
• Pencil: Uh... oi... I can't respond to thet.

[The bell, a sound of the film studios, rings.]

• Match: Omg, he's here! How do I look?
• Book: Desparate.
• Sword: Follow me to the set please.

[They all follow sword into the audition room. This time, it has been magnificently decorated with the new scenery introduced in 2016.]

• Bubble: It's Yoyleland!
• Lightning: I almost want to learn Turkish from being here.
• Golf Ball: Zounds, how orientalist!
• Pin: Shut up, bi之.
• Sword: This is your main set, on which we shall be filming. Does anyone have any questions?

[Match raises both her hands.]

• Match: YES!
• Sword: That aren't about me. [Match's hands go down.] Anyway, we will start with our scripts. I printed 64 copies, you're welcome.
• Leafy: Thank you!
• Sword: I assume you're all familiar with a screenplay, yes?
• Nickel: Yes, obviously we'd rather buy the screenplay than watch it on TV.
• Needle: Grey Coiny's right.
• Sword: How are you not familiar? I saw most of you perform last night, good job, by the way.

[A. R. I.]

• Gaty: Those are different!
• Book: We were using actual scripts from about a century ago!
• Sword: Well, it's very easy to interpret a screenplay. You just look at your name, and read what comes under it. I assume you all know how to read.
• Golf Ball: I don't know, I've been teaching here for seven years. Kenya's literacy rate is 78.73%, so according to my calculations then there are about fourteen among us who—
• Flower: I don't know how to read!
• Golf Ball: I was right.
• Flower: I can only read swear words! Can that be my dialogue?
• Sword: No. But it's okay, because we have acting coaches on set.
• Snowball: Thou thinkest us to fail at acting, sir?
• Sword: Let's rehearse with a table read. Join me at the table of nine!
• Tennis Ball: But aren't there 64 of us?
• Sword: I get my own seat—
• Match: And I sit on top of him!
• Sword: Noooooo, you sit with your officiated groups on the back of your screenplays.

[They all turn their papers over. Much discussion.]

• Pen: That's funny, I'm not with you, Penc.
• Book: [happily] Neither am I!
• Sword: That's right, I have separated you all, mostly. It's time for you all to bond with each other, because you will be on teams. On the count of three... one, two, three, bond!

[With those which will be known as Iance.]

• Pencil: Omg, this is, like, me new group!
• Match: Yass, sisters! And brothers.
• Ruby: Why don't we shun the people we hate? Like Snowball and Flower!
• Pencil: Thet sounds like a great idea!
• Lightning: Wow, even their bullying is done with a happy tone.
• Fanny: Why are you all so positive?
• Pencil: Sorry, las' night me dad came 'ome from the mos' recent war an' I'm jus' glad we h'all reunited.
• Fanny: I'm bored now.
• Flower: They don't think so.

[Pencil, Match, Ruby and Bubble are all gossiping with each other. Meanwhile, with the future Death PACT.]

• Pie: Why don't we introduce ourselves?
• Remote: It is truly a glorious idea.
• Pen: Hey, people, my name is Pen D Schreiber, I'm 18, and I'm currently dating that lady over there. [He waves at Pencil, who waves back.]
• Liy: I know, I was a chorister last night. Are you really that self-centred?
• Pen: How'd you know?
• Liy: I know a girl who knows a girl.
• Tree: I literally heard it through the grapevine.
• Pillow: Never underestimate the communication skills of teenage girls.

[A few hours later, the bell rings.]

• Sword: [on a megaphone] Alright, the bell has rung and it's time to go, everyone!

[Exeunt omnes.]

• Pen: And what did you learn today?
• Pencil: Match has a new boyfriend! She met him online.
• Match: He weighs, like, 50 grams.
• Pen: And you didn't bother to talk with the others in your group?
• Match: Hell no!
• Pencil: Las' time we did thet, someone got deported! But they did.
• [ Bubble · Ruby ]: Yeah!
• Pen: I'll have to go soon.
• Bubble: Oh, aren't you droiving your goilfriend home today?
• Pencil: Aye, but me parents're a-pickin' up me h'an' Needy.

[Needle slaps her.]

• Needle: Don't call me Needy!
• Pen: Bye, see you Monday!
• Pencil: There's no school, m8, 'a'n'ee fergot? It's Jamhuri Day, so, Tuesday!
• Match: Yeah!
• Pencil: By the way... Merry Hanukkah!
• [ Match · Pen ]: You too!

On the highway back to the city

• Triangle: I have come with greatly unfortunate news.
• Needle: Oh no!
• Triangle: Tomorrow's theme of the Jamhuri Day Parade is to be war-themed.
• Estigua: But isn't it always war-themed?
• Triangle: It often is. But as the war with Tanzania has ended, the war against Brazil has just started. The theme of Peace will not be used.
• Pencil: But why?
• Triangle: Because we are at war at present.
• Pencil: Why can't we geh'n' stop it then?
• Triangle: It is a war, there is nothing ye common folk can do to terminate it.
• Pencil: Aye, but I think there be.
• Needle: What are you doing?
• Nelson: Interfering with authority is a big no-no!
• Pencil: Dad, you can make peace 'appen! The lady you married is Brazilian!
• Estigua: How correct!
• Triangle: I understand, but what do you mean?
• Pencil: Jus' tell the governmen' an' the public thet the woman you wed is from a country we're at war with! Wot better way to do a peace treaty?
• Triangle: Maybe you're right. All hands, clap twice!

[They all do so.]

• Voice: Good afternoon, Triángolo. How may I assist you today?
• Estigua: Goodness, I never knew it could do that!
• Triangle: I knew, but I never had the arms to do so.
• Pencil: Should you speak?
• Triangle: Please send this message to the Minister Monterelli.
• Voice: Voice recording on.
• Triangle: Sir, I am calling in request to end the war. Translate that into Portuguese, and dispatch it to the President at once.
• Voice: Call ended.
• Nelson: Hooray for marriage alliances!
• Estigua: Why didn't you just ask me to translate? My Portuguese didn't die when my English got revived!
• Triangle: It did? But tell me, who was that who had come up with that idea?
• Pencil: It was Pen.
• Needle: Her boyfriend.
• Pencil: [turning around] I shall call'ee Needy.

[Needle slaps her.]

• Needle: Don't call me Needy!
• Triangle: Oh, it's all right. I trust that he is an aboriginal Kenyan Christian gentleman.
• Pencil: [to Needle] Right... acos me mate's bein' a Greek Canadian Jewish boy'll satisfy Dad's wants.
• Needle: Right'o!
• Triangle: I know that our family will receive a large monetary reward for this. I predict 100 thousand shillings.

[The money comes through the car's keyhole.]

• Estigua: How are you doing this?
• Needle: I swear the car is magic.
• Triangle: Magic, but we really did receive that amount of money! Happy early birthdays, kids, you all get ten thousand.
• Pencil: All righ'! Thanks, Dad!
• Needle: Yeah, thanks.
• Nelson: I think the word he's looking for is Asante.
• Triangle: Amen.
• Pencil: So Dad, wot're'ee to spend the res' o' thet cash on?
• Triangle: I plan on sharing the rest of it with your mother, on things for the whole family and maybe donate the rest of that to the school.
• Pencil: Why school? I'm pretty much a-gratuatin' soon.
• Triangle: Yes, but I fear your brother and sister's educational experiences are as bad as mine is, but fortunately I have the prefect cure.

Tuesday, December 13, 2107

School

• Pencil: Football? You've spent thet money h'on football? Y'wants our school to joins the World Cup er somethin'?
• Triangle: [on the phone] No, not that football. American football!
• Pencil: Wot? But why?
• Triangle: I have done much of my war training in the States, and by God, did they talk about football. It seemed that every young adolescent male wanted a piece of a game. So here it is, in Ibáñez.
• Pencil: Why should we do h'as th' Americans do?
• Triangle: My girl, as Kenyans, it is our responsibility to be pro-American as possible.
• Pencil: Oh.

[Enter Golf Ball, who is strolling through the hall.]

• Golf Ball: Get your phone away before I crush it into electronic juice.
• Pencil: I'm sorry, it's me father! 'E's jus' established football at our school!
• Golf Ball: Football? In my school? How great! Something American for a change! It's really saved me from the foreigners I govern.

[Pencil is speechless.]

• Golf Ball: Now thank him for his services for me! He has really done well for African Americans.
• Pencil: Wait, but 'e h'ain't—ferget'e.

[Enter the alliance.]

• Match: What's with the, like, Headmistress?
• Pencil: Oh, nothin'.
• Match: So I heard they're, like, adding football!
• Pencil: Sure.
• Match: Like, Pen's been going crazy about it. Omg, you, like, sure you want him to enter that danger sport?
• Pencil: Match, I'll be strong. Don't worry.

[Enter Pen.]

• Pen: You'll never guess what just happened! They—
• Match: Added football, we, like, know already!
• Pen: I didn't even have to try out! All they asked from us was whether we were single or not.
• Pencil: About my allowin' o' thee doin' somethin' dangerous yet really masculine...

[Pencil gets a flashback of her tearful goodbye to Pen when he joined the Army a century ago.]

• Pencil: I'll allow'e. Wote'er which you'll be goin' through's probably got nothin' compared to wot me father 'ad gone through.
• Pen: Awesome! Our first game is Friday night. You'll be there?
• Pencil: Aye, great.

Pencil's room, around 8:00 pm

• Pencil: 'Ow gurt, jus' as I's a finishing this!

[She clicks the link. As soon as she does so, the screen literally explodes with tens of split screens. Everyone is talking about different things.]

• Match: [online] Hey, Pencil! You've made it!

[Pencil doesn't hear her over the sounds of multiple conversations. Match goes on her phone, and Pencil gets a text message on her phone: "Mute everyone xcept me-its that thing on the top lft"—She does so.]

• Match: WHOOOOOOOOO! Penc-penc, you're on!
• Pencil: Aye! H'an' I'd no h'idea thet I could do thet, woah...
• Eraser: And guess who tagged along with this one?

[They make out on camera.]

• Pencil: [unmuting the others] Gross, m8, y'a got children watchin'. [when they've finished] So where's Pen?
• Eraser: Oh, still at football practice.
• Pencil: Why so long? 'E's literally 'ad zero time to talk with me t'day.
• Eraser: The coach wants to turn them from little studious things to slightly less little bullies and beasts. Quote unquote.
• Pencil: Y'literally quoted fer nothin'. Anyway, h'I guess I can be glad them to be usin' me boy h'efficiently.

[Enter Needle.]

• Pencil: An' speakin' o' those 'on'ter been at school today...

[Needle takes her retainer and puts it in her mouth, adjusting it before Pencil's mirror.]

• Pencil: Oi, we got company.
• Needle: S-so, what's going on?
• Pencil: Y'totally missed wot 'appened in school today! So Ball called us all to the h'office, where we were all expected to get online with our school accounts—
• Match: And then talk about our lines for the scene Saturday!
• Needle: Omg, it's the thirteenth!
• Match: And?
• Needle: Match, ha—
• Match: Before you, like, finish that with, like, "-py birthday", you should know that my mother and Ari took a surprise trip to the Surinamese rainforest on my, like, special day! Can you believe that?
• Eraser: But we're throwing her a party the day they come back on Saturday.
• Match: And, like, they ain't invited.

[Suddenly, one by one the windows start closing.]

• Eraser: What the hell?
• Match: It's done already?
• Pencil: We shall try h'again tomorrow. Well, I'm a-stayin' on until me Pen comes.
• Match: Sorry, but, like, we have to go.
• Eraser: We're throwing our Persian caviar at strangers walking by.
• Pencil: Why?
• Match: We're, like, rich!

[Pencil sighs.]

Saturday, December 17, 2107

Pencil's house

• Needle: Ding dong!
• Triangle: Make way for the percussion instrument!

[He opens the door. On the other side are Pen and Match.]

• Triangle: Oh my, Jehovah's Witnesses!
• Pen: Hello, is Pencil home?
• Triangle: Yes, but what do you want with her?
• Pen: I'm picking up her and Needy.
• Needle: [slaps him] Don't call me Needy!
• Triangle: Oh yes, for that thing that meets every week.

[Estigua giggles. Enter Pencil.]

• Pen: Hey, you're here.
• Pencil: Aye! Can we go now?
• Match: Sure!

[A. R. I. of valediction.]

• Pencil: What's with him?
• Match: He's just, like, a little mad.
• Pen: A little? More like a lot.

Highway out of the city

• Eraser: Bruh, don't be like that. It's a holiday.
• Match: Yeah! You are, like, literally ruining my party mood!
• Needle: I hate to make it awkward here, but what the hell is going on?
• Pencil: See? We h'all're a-wonderin'.
• Match: Care to, like, tell them, bro? And make it quick! You only turn 17 once every century.
• Pen: [groan] Fine, I'll spill it. [to Pencil] You never showed up to our game!
• Pencil: Wot game? [pause] Oh, yer football!
• Pen: And you said you were going to show up last Tuesday! You're not supposed to break a promise to your boyfriend!
• Match: [on her phone] Yes, you are!
• Eraser: Yeah, we promised to stay true to each other, right, Matchke-poo?
• Match: What? I was, like, texting my other boyfriend.

[Pencil looks up, as if thinking for a second.]

• Pencil: Can I say somethin'?
• Pen: Sure, but there's nothing you can say that can change my mind on this.
• Match: Watch out. When she, like, rants, she rants and rants and you can never tell when she will be quiet.
• Pencil: Oh, stop'e, Match.
• Pen: You people are making me feel more p... pi...
• Eraser: Pissed?
• Pen: Yes, tha—
• Pencil: [to Pen] M8, y'says y'wanted me to go to yer football match las' night. Well, y'want to know where I was las' night, an' the night before thet an' the night before thet? Oi, does'ee? Well, mos' o' the 64 o' h'us were online, doin' a group chat of our scripts for the great filmin', thet's wot! We literally 'ad better shiト that we had to do, somethin' thet you was supposed to join. I h'even promised to go to yer separate 'Anukkah party tomorrow thet I really 'a got nary h'an idea why it ain' today! So maybe get yerself out o' yer delusions of anger thet I'd be h'a-doin' somethin' jus' fer you an' let me govern meself acos right now I can barely tolerate'ee fer bein' a selfish, close-minded fuッカッス!

[Silence for a few moments.]

• Match: You go, girl!
• Eraser: Ha! Bro, you look whiter than usual.

[Pen starts to cry.]

• Pen: You're right! I've been a horrible boyfriend—I've spent the last week at a training camp with no one except the scum of the school!
• Match: Just pull over! It's dangerous to, like, cry and drive.
• Eraser: Ha. Wimp.
• Match: Oh, shut up, Eraser.

[He pulls over. Pencil takes the front seat.]

• Pencil: Sorry, m8, I didn' mean anythin' o' wot I says. Except I really think we should make tonigh' ther 'Anukkah party too.
• Pen: Yeah... But you should have seen us—I mean me—on the field last night. I pretty much dominated the field!
• Pencil: Don' make me turn this car around, young man.
• Match: Wow, Pencil, I thought you only do motorbikes! Since when did you, like, read the driving handbook?
• Pencil: H'as if me Mum'n Dad'd let me read thet; this is improv!

[She spins the wheel around many times, spinning the car wildly.]

• Everyone: Wait, WHAT—

Abacaba Studios

• Match: I can't believe we let Pencil drive.
• Bubble: Roilly?
• Ruby: Bubble's mum drove us.
• Book: I thought Pencil was not able to drive yet!
• Eraser: Uh-huh.
• Golf Ball: [approaching the quintet] You're late.
• Pen: We know, ma'am.
• Golf Ball: You!
• Pen: I know, I haven't been showing up at script rehearsals, but it was for a good cause!
• Golf Ball: You gave our school a victory on the football field last night! You did phenomenally, and you make our school proud.
• Pen: Oh! Thank you.
• Match: You're not going to punish him for, like, ditching?
• Golf Ball: Why should I? In reality, I should be punishing you for skipping all your Saturday detentions!
• Match: Well, so are you.
• Golf Ball: Mr. Schreiber, let me offer you something you won't regret.
• Pencil: OI! The boy's mine!
• Golf Ball: If our school wins three more games, you and the rest of the players will graduate early and get accepted to any college of your choosing. How say you, do you accept?
• Pen: Goshdarn right I do!
• Eraser: Come on, bro, let's study.
• Book: Last-minute studying? For shame!
• Pencil: [to Golf Ball] Wot, 'e'll get to graduate?
• Golf Ball: That is the way things go. Stop complaining.
• Sword: On the bright side, that attitude will really fit your character in our episode today!

[Pencil recoils in shock.]

• Pencil: 'Ow longs'ee been 'ere?
• Sword: None of your business. But I will say that it is now time for the filming! Everyone, follow me!

[They all follow him into the room of auditioning, which has now become the room of filming.]

Abacaba Studios' filming room

• Sword: I trust that you have all your lines to memory right now?

[A. R. I. of approval.]

• Sword: No last-minute studying?

[Pen is shown looking through his script for his lines.]

• Pencil: Oi, m8, wot're'ee doin'?
• Book: You will never remember all those words.
• Pen: Hey, I have a talent for memorising libretti.
• Sword: We shall begin filming in one minute.
• Pen: Oh no! Have I got any more lines?
• Pencil: I think ye jus' stop at the challenge.
• Pen: [sarcastically] Great, there's a challenge.
• Tree: Hey, mate, how are you faring with the words?
• Pen: Just awesome!

[He mouths the words "Not really" at Pencil.]

• Pencil: I believe'ee should introduce me to yer person.
• Pen: Oh! Sorry, how rash. Tree, this is my girlfriend, Pencil. Now this is Tree, my... part friend, part enemy.
• Pencil: An' wot makes'e thus?
• Tree: Everything he says is unreasonable.
• Pencil: They're unreasonable, but to h'a lovin' extent.
• Pen: That's what I said!
• Tree: I'd better get to my scene...

[Sword interrupts their conversations.]

• Sword: Are you all ready to start filming?
• Everyone: No!
• Sword: That didn't sound convincing. Are you all ready to start filming?
• Everyone: Yeah!
• Sword: Here we go! And starting with "Hey, Eraser, Eraser, Eraser", five, four, three, two!

[The filming begins!]

• Pen: Hey, Eraser, Eraser! [trips over Rocky] Eraser!
• Eraser: What?
• Pen: Look what I just found. [pulls out a parallelogram] It's a rectangle!
• Eraser: No, Pen, that's a parallelogram; I would know.
• Pen: What about this? [pulls out a pentagon]
• Eraser: Oh my G-d, Pen, that's a pentagon!
• Pen: Yeah, like if you took my name and added טגון!
• Eraser: You don't understand, Pen, pentagons are extremely scary!
• Pen: Really? I didn't think it was that scare.

[Several minutes later, filming finishes.]

• X: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Shortly after

• Pen: This is just like high school, eh?
• Tree: You're still in high school! I had the fortune of graduating.
• Pie: Aren't you like the king of the jocks?
• Pen: It is a goal of mine.

[Pencil calls him over.]

• Pencil: Psst!

[He walks towards her.]

• Pencil: Sit down, please!
• Pen: Okay.
• Match: Woah, woah, woah, you can't just, like, sit here. You have to be with your own team.
• Pencil: Pen, this is important.
• Four: Heyyyyy, Pen, you're not supposed to be here. Go back to your team.
• Pen: But my girlfriend and—

[Four lasers him back to the Death PACT table.]

• Pillow: Come on, it's not that horrible!
• Four: Alright everyone, dinner time is over. Did you all enjoy your ugali?

[A. R. I. of approval.]

• Pencil: Mus' 'a made'e really authentic, m8!
• Four: Now it's time for RECESS! Let's enjoy ourselves in accordance to supreme Reality Television Manifesto!
• All: Yay!
• Pencil: [walking] Book, I need to speak ter'ee; 't's really important!
• Book: What is it? I am going to play Cards of Objectity with Team Dwidjfxjsnw!
• Pencil: Two things: I've got a copy o' this show's form of operations an' the nex' nine episodes!
• Book: Wow. You steal from here too!
• Pencil: Oi!
• Book: I joke... mostly.
• Pencil: Sword 'a h'it gi'en to me!
• Book: Why?
• Pencil: I don' know! Maybe I'll be h'eliminated next episode!
• Saw: Book, come on!
• Taco: We want to play!
• Book: What is the other thing?
• Pencil: As I's a-sayin', I looked through the scripts, an' in none o' the episodes, I speak to Pen!
• Book: [faking concern] Oh no, mlehhh, that sounds like a you problem—Coming, Team Jdjkskwkwnnx!

[Pen sees her.]

• Pen: Hey, Penc!
• Pencil: [quickly] Pen-I-need-to-tell'ee-so'n'-really-necessady-it's!
• Blocky: Yo, Pen!
• Pen: Blocky, my man!
• Pencil: Oh aye? Well I know o' somethin' thet you don'!
• Blocky: We're playing football!
• Pen: I'm on the team, y'know.
• Blocky: We know.
• Marker: wE aLl KnOw.
• Pen: We don't have a ball, though!
• Eraser: We have something shaped like a ball, though.
• Leafy: Don't even think about it, Eraser.
• Eraser: We would never play football with a female.
• Leafy: I don't know whether to feel grateful or offended!
• Eraser: —that's an object. Marker?
• Marker: [who has grabbed Dora] iT sEeMs UnEtHiCaL, bUt OkAy!
• Dora: Dadadadadadadadada—

[With great ease, Marker takes off her head.]

• Dora: —daaaaaaaaaaaaaa—

Monday, December 19, 2107

School

• Pencil: Oi, Pen, we need to talk. H'as in, before ye get called fer practice.
• Pen: I told you, I can play football outside school. Especially if dismemberment is involved.

[Beat.]

• Pencil: I don' remember'ee sayin' thet to me. But I've got so'n' to tell'ee h'about our show!
• Pen: Ooh, is it that episodes are exported to the third dimension to determine the results of the next episode?
• Pencil: Aye... but thet's not the one I was—
• Julie B.: All members of the football squad, please report to the gymnasium.
• Pen: I got to go.
• Pencil: But wait! There's more!
• Pen: See you later, Penc.

[He kisses her briefly. Bubble throws her pencil case at him. Exit.]

• Pencil: Wot was thet?
• Bubble: Moi oidea of fun.
• Pencil: This is terrible!
• Book: [deadpan] You are going to complain to him that there are no scenes with the two of you together, a fact of which you have no complete control?
• Pencil: Aye, thet's exactly. But I need to find time to talk ter'ee, 'opefully not too far in the future.

Friday, December 23, 2107

School

• Pencil: Today, h'it's Siku Nusu—the school day's 'alf the length.
• Ruby: Well, the Ambigram Club aren't meeting today.
• Book: Neither are the Anagram Club. The football club, or team, should not either today.
• Pencil: Yay!
• Match: You should, like, go and tell Pen.
• Pencil: No, since they hain' a-meetin', I shall jus' wait until the time is righ'.
• Julie B.: All members of the football squad, please report to the Headmistress's office.
• Pen: This is weird; we weren't expecting today.
• Pencil: [about to cry] Jus' go! You might's well get married ter a football if y' can!
• Pen: [nonchalantly] Okay.

[The whole class stares at her. Exit Pen.]

• Pencil: An' now th'ole class're starin' at me... Mrs. Chembe, napenda kwenda bafuni?
• Mrs. Chembe: Bila shaka unaweza.

Girls' bathroom

• Pencil: 'Ello?
• Sword: Pencil! I come with a revelation!
• Pencil: Sword? 'S thet you? You'd be'er tell m'e h'ere I can get back to class!
• Sword: Do you remember the script that I sent for you?
• Pencil: Aye, why?
• Sword: All the votes have been counted, and you've been elimina—

[Pencil hangs up. Exit from bathroom. In the halls.]

• Julie B.: Pencil Triángolo, please report to the Headmistress's office.
• Pencil: Wot? Wot'd they want with me?

[She goes anyway.]

Headmistress's office

• Pencil: Oh me knight in shinin' wote'er-thet-is!
• Pen: Oh my beautiful ex-cheerleader!
• Golf Ball: Oh SILENCE!
• Pencil: I beg yer pardon? An' why'd'ye call us 'ere?
• Golf Ball: The boy can explain.
• Pen: I've been accused.
• Pencil: O' wot?
• Pen: May I explain, Mrs. Ball?
• Golf Ball: No, you will just corroborate your own side.
• Pen: What does that even me—
• Golf Ball: SO!

[Flashback plays as Golf Ball narrates.]

• Golf Ball: It was a fine day yesterday, and reports showed the team practising for the Christmas match.

Pencil: Christmas match—

Golf Ball: DO NOT interrupt me. It was also the day before the end of the school-week, and that means the choir was going around school, singing carols.

Choir: ♫ Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! ♫

Golf Ball: That is when this young man took one of the choir members and knocked him out of the park. Literally.

[A scream is heard, yet the choir still sing.]

Choir: ♫ Oh what fun it is to ride... ♫

[End flashback.]

• Pen: [to Pencil] That is what she is accusing me of. [to Golf Ball] Mrs. Ball, how do you know that it is me and not one of my team-mates?

[Golf Ball starts to laugh.]

• Golf Ball: Ha-hahee-hoo-ho-hiiiiiii! You naïve child.
• Pen: I'm eighteen.
• Pencil: Shh.
• Golf Ball: You think that there are other people on your football team? Think again!
• Pen: I'm sorry, what?
• Golf Ball: You were the only person on the football team!
• Pen: I don't get it.
• Golf Ball: You know how you're always talking about the other people in your team?
• Pen: Yes.
• Golf Ball: They actually don't exist!
• Pen: But I thought—
• Golf Ball: Incorrectly, my boy. The whole story is as follows: As soon was the school year stated, I knew that unless you all failed school, I'd have just a year to "tolerate" you and your crew of popular people. So, I decided to decide a plan to get rid of you as soon as the year finishes, starting with the boy, and from my above average proficiency using holograms, you were tricked into believing you could be in such a high position!
• Pencil: Thet's completely terrible! An' wot're'ee to do with me?
• Golf Ball: A sorceress never reveals her secrets.
• Pencil: I'm a-leavin'!
• Golf Ball: I am the Headmistress! You can not just walk out of a meeting like this!
• Pen: I thought Kenya was a democracy.
• Golf Ball: It is absolutely not! The only true democracy in this world is the United States of America! USA! USA! USA!

[As she chants this, Pencil takes Pen's hand and they walk away. The door attendant, Tennis Ball, escorts them out on our own will.]

• Pen: Wait, did she give us a call-slip!
• Pencil: No, she 'ates us! Our profs probably think we're still there!
• Pen: And we can't make out in the middle of class!

[Pencil's eyebrows palpitate. Embrace—They rush off-street together.]

Lunch

• Book: So! Let us talk about life! How is it?
• Pencil: Geh'n' pretty gurt. [She and Pen kiss.]
• Match: Some of us are, like, trying to eat here!
• Pencil: Sorry, m8, I'm jus' so happy! Me boy is 'ere to stay.
• Pen: Y'know, about that... There's still a chance that I might want to...
• Pencil: Oh, you don' mean...
• Ruby: We'd better go.
• Book: This is getting toxic.
• Match: But I, like, like, tension!

[Bubble drags Match to another table.]

• Pen: That was weird.
• Pencil: An' yer behaviour ain'? Please, Pen, wot'n'ale's 'appenin' 'ere?
• Pen: I'm thinking about graduating early.

[View of the school.]

• Pencil: NOOOOO!

[Zoom back in to the scene.]

• Pencil: You belong in this school!
• Pen: Penc, we'll all be graduating in half of a year. And GB was right; I don't have to be here right now; I've got all my credits! I can still fail everything and I'll still be able to graduate.
• Pencil: Omg!
• Pen: Don't be mad.
• Pencil: I h'ain' angry. In fact, I'm very proud of'ee. 'Tis jus', wot'll 'appen ter us?
• Pen: We'd still be together! I promise you!
• Pencil: I know, but... we won' be together 'ere. Thet's the bad part. I come 'ere, wantin' to see you!
• Pen: [Aside.] That is true, I like being looked at.
• Pencil: Wot's me motivation now?
• Pen: That you should achieve the spiritual nirvana as I am now?
• Pencil: Oh, me boy, you're so thought-provokin'!

[They kiss, right as the bell rings. Several professors walk around campus, telling those who are staying behind to go to class.]

• Golf Ball: Match, you have another detention.
• Match: Aww!
• Golf Ball: And you two! Get to cla—
• Pencil: In a minute, we're in love!
• Pen: I'm going home.
• Pencil: Wot, you're goin' now?
• Pen: No, I need time to think about this!

[Exit Pen. Golf Ball looks at Pencil as if she is an idiot.]

The Schreibers' living room

• Eraser: I still can't believe they gave you the chance.
• Match: Yeah? Well, like, he's special.
• Pen: This is a serious problem! You know how our counsellors always ask us, "What will you do with your life after high school?"
• Eraser: I always think, "Fuק" off.
• Match: Eraser, this is, like, serious almost. [to Pen] I can't believe you're really thinking of staying in school that you don't even have to, like, go to!
• Pen: What are you saying?
• Match: If you want to stay, then, like, do it. If not, this house is always open!
• Eraser: Literally, our lock is just a traffic light that says "Do not trespass" in Hebrew.

[Pen and Match stare at him.]

• Eraser: I go.

[Exit Eraser and Pen shortly after.]

• Match: [to herself] Wow, I'm deep!
• Katarzyna: [off-screen] Are you giving your brother advice again?
• Match: No, Mum, I'm giving it to Pen!

Pencil's room

• Pencil: [picking it up] 'Ello, President's daughter speakin'.
• Pen: Hi!
• Pencil: Pen! 'As'ee made up yer mind yet?
• Pen: Not yet.
• Pencil: You called to make me feel more stressed?
• Pen: Don't feel stressed; you'll be off for a two-week holiday!
• Pencil: "You", 's in me? An' wot about you?
• Pen: Bye, Penc.

[Kissing noises are heard from his side.]

• Pen: Sorry, that was Eraser.
• Eraser: Yay-ah!

[Pencil hangs up.]

• Needle: Yikes, that sounded bad.
• Pencil: Oh, it's jus' people problems. You'll understand when you're older.
• Needle: [Aside.] More like popular people problems.
• Pencil: Y'know wot? Fer the rest o' the night, I shall not pick up me mobile e'en once from a boy!
• Needle: Good self-control!

[The phone rings again.]

• Pencil: Ah! It's Sword!

[She picks it up.]

• Pencil: 'Ello?
• Sword: Pencil! I come with good news!
• Pencil: Wot's thet?
• Sword: We have officially counted all of the comments saying who should be eliminated … and it's you!
• Pencil: Wot? I'm firs' to go? I mean, I shan' be surprised, but wot?
• Sword: Because you were first to be sent off, I am also giving you the honour of producing, directing and writing the rest of the series for me!
• Pencil: I thought it's been ghostwritten already! Y' ga'e me the script las' week!
• Sword: I know, but I have undergone an epiphany in which I was wrong. As producers, we should be better towards our actors, especially if they are not sympathetic. I trust you are a good person and—

[Pencil screams.]

• Needle: What happened?
• Pencil: I've been assigned to produce, direct an' write new h'episodes of BFB!
• Needle: That's great! Wait... why?
• Pencil: My character's been eliminated.
• Needle: Ooh, can you make me say, like, nothing?
• Pencil: Why, I thought'ee liked th' attention! You was Inez!
• Needle: Yeah, she only has one song.
• Pencil: Wow. Well, let me take thet into la considération, along with the h'other changes I shall be h'a-makin'.
• Needle: Aren't you still worried about Pen?
• Pencil: Honestly a' this point, I've stopped carin', maybe I'll gi'e me boy a line or two. I'm goin' to be producin'!

Saturday, December 24, 2107

Noon

• Pencil: Firs' daughter speakin'.
• Pen: Hey, Penc! Merry Christmas!
• Pencil: Omg, Pen! One thing, though... I'm a h'ask-ee once... 'As'ee made up yer mind yet?
• Pen: Yes! I figured out what I'm going to do: On the Tuesday we return, I'll stay at home, but arrive at school for lunch. You'll be able to eat lunch with me!
• Pencil: Yay! But wot about class?
• Pen: In classes that I had with you, I'll text you all through class. That way it's like I'd never left!
• Pencil: Thet's... thet's actually a plan't'll work. An' another thing?
• Pen: Yeah?
• Pencil: Christmas is tomorrow.
• Pen: You know I'm Jewish, right?

[Pencil rolls her eyes.]

• Pencil: Wait, you ne'er saw thet.
• Pen: Haha, bye mate, love you!
• Pencil: Love'ee too! Bye!

[They both hang up. Pencil brings her elbow to her knee in victory.]

Saturday, January 7, 2108

Abacaba Studios' filming room

• Sword: Attention, everyone!

[Everyone stops what they are doing, even Four, who is shooting lasers out of his arms towards some contestants.]

• Sword: I desire to make an announcement.
• Match: Haha, desires. Me every day, am I right?
• Ruby: Yeah!
• Sword: For the first time ever, this will be the first time where I am not directing!

[A. R. I.]

• Sword: Instead, I shall be handing the directorial sword to the most recently eliminated contestant, Pencil!

[Half of the crowd claps.]

• Golf Ball: If I had arms, I still wouldn't clap.
• Lightning: If I didn't have arms, I would clap too!
• Pencil: Ladies an' gentlemen, children an' adults. It's with great honour thet I present meself as yer director! These episodes will be, like, amazin'!
• Fanny: You'd better prove it!
• Loser: Loser is interested in your skills!

[A. R. I. of agreement, which devolves into...]

• Everyone: Loser! Loser! Loser!
• Pencil: An' so, I would like to dedicate this episode to h'all of Africa.
• Sword: Ready?
• Pencil: Absolutely!
• Sword: In five, four, three, two!

[Credits music as Pencil directs the episode in the background.]

THE END?

No, because we have an...

Epilogue

The words of this are played out as if on silent film intertitles or 1930s title sequences.

In the end, Pencil ended up directing the next and all following episodes of BFB.

The show went on for under three years…

… though Pencil's time as director lasted half as long.

Following the summer of 2108, much of the cast parted ways.

Eraser was the one who joined the Kenyan Army at the President's behest, never making the ranks past private.

Pencil and Match stayed at home, both studying at the Multimedia University of Kenya.

Though his short-lived career was illegitimate, Pen still received a football scholarship and attended some large "party school" in the States.

Dissatisfied that "Greek life" was nothing as he expected, Pen moved to study in Sapienza …

… where, by coincidence, Pencil had transferred from MMU, as says the adage, "all roads lead to Rome".

They meet at university, moved back to Kenya, and they lived happily and had many children.

And if they will have not died, they are still living a century from now.

The end!